Monday, October 13, 2014

I don't think you're a bad person for looking at the naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence.

I see a link that says see Jennifer Lawrence's hacked leaked photos and I look for many reasons:  is this real? I am curious.  what's this like? what's this about?  this is weird.  did this really happen?  It's something that never happened before.

You look at naked J Lawr, and you looked at footage of the twin towers burning on 9-11 too.
You didn't hack those photos, and you didn't fly a plane into that tower either.
Of course it's not the same, but what is the same is the experience of viewing versus doing.

Technology impacts life faster than our ability to develop a firm moral compass around it.

Celeb photos being stolen from a cloud is weird for all of us.
It's weird that there's a cloud.

What would make you a disgusting person is if you JUDGED the photos.  Because judging does imply ownership or entitlement.  If you judged her body, if you judged her for taking the photos, I'd say you need to check yourself, fool.

Life hurls us through time and sometimes life is simple and boring and orderly, but more often is chaotic and strange and unpredictable.  We act and react.  Someone gives us technology so we can take pictures, and then we discover we can take pictures of butts and vaginas and boobs.  And then we do that.  WE'RE ALL NEW AT FIGURING OUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF TECHNOLOGY.  Don't hate, haters. 

We touch stoves, we try things.  Have some empathy for cryin out loud!

I think it's ok to look.  
But to be a dick about it is another story.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Inside You Update - Something Happened Yesterday.

Yesterday, I lost my shoot!  We turned the truck around on it's way to check out the equipment because (long story short) we lost a lead cast member due to an emergency, without enough time to re-cast, and pushing the shoot even 1 day, we'd start losing locations, crew, cast and schedule.

Yes, I did cry and feel horrible weird stress throughout my body and spine.  But I got to the other side of it.  Because hell, what can you do?  I have felt like a failure before but I don't now.

We have done SO MUCH WORK to get this far, and strangely enough my first and foremost feeling this morning is gratitude and love.

Weird, right?

I never expected this - but the reason is - getting THIS FAR with the movie - I needed the support of SO many people, and my family along the way.  People have come out for the film in HUGE ways, and it makes me feel great.  This experience has shown me that people do believe in me and this movie, and I never knew it quite like this before!  Self doubt can be crippling as an artist, and people don't often have the reason to show their support - but this movie gave people that opportunity (and I'll still very much need it moving forward!).

I feel deeply motivated, strengthened and inspired to put even more heart and elbow grease into this movie.

We pushed the shoot to March 2015.  Do I like being in this position?  Not at first, but here I am - I better get used to it.  
This is not the worst.  I'm making a movie and that is COOL, dudes!

A vision of the future:

My mom and dad bought me this fancy chair!  Nola Slates made me this BEAUTIFUL (and reasonably priced) Custom Slate!  THAT CHAIR WILL BE SAT IN and THAT SLATE WILL BE CLAPPED!!!  MARCH 2015 FTW

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Suicide: the big WHY

Robin Williams' death is affecting me more than I ever expected, and now I want to try and examine WHY for the sake of understanding. I believe that the reason a person wants to die is that living feels meaningless, and they are unable to connect to meaning.

There’s also pain and sadness involved. But I think the feeling of despair caused by meaninglessness is the primary thing going through a suicidal person’s head.

How can Robin Williams feel meaninglessness?  His career and work meant a lot to people, he was loved, he had children and loved ones.  He was both creatively successful, and successful in traditional measurements, and had people in his life that mattered to him and that he mattered to.

Usually despair comes from a lack of these things. (At least for me.)

Perhaps his existence as incredibly famous, especially as a funny person who makes people feel amazing - was also incredibly alienating and lonely.  He couldn’t relate to most people or identify with them.  He had an expectation of who he was supposed to be and how he was supposed to act.  He was not SUPPOSED to be depressed.

Perhaps he was driven mad by the fact that he couldn’t make himself feel the way he made others feel. Maybe it was the suffering in the middle east.  Maybe it was tension at home, or an inability to love or be loved as he desired.  A disconnect.  Maybe he felt powerless and unable to change or feel.  If he was able to make people laugh so easily - why didn’t it work for him, when he was alone?  I can only imagine this was maddening.  And so his great power, his gift, the world’s wonderful gift of laughter - felt empty, shallow, pointless.

His happiness was fleeting.  It left him.  He wanted to escape.

He escaped all his life.
In his performance, and in a bottle.

It was ultimately just too much.

Can you imagine what it feels like to have everything at your fingertips that SHOULD make you happy - but it’s not working?  What if you had money, freedom, loved ones, influence, fame, and appreciation AND STILL you couldn’t FEEL right?!  Can you imagine that?  I am certain that it’s not the case of him not appreciating it.  I am certain that he felt even guilty, like absolute shit, for not being able to feel good, perhaps not being able to truly feel anything at all, in spite of all of his fortune.  That’s the disease of depression.


Killing yourself is sad, but I don’t think it’s evil.  It’s something else.

The truth is, it’s a choice, as it’s a choice to stay alive, which some philosophers refer to as “the existential absurdity.”

I wonder about the sex slave’s will to live.  
I wonder about the severely impoverished and diseased people’s will to live.

Why would they stay alive?  Their life is misery and torture.

Maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s why the caged bird sings.  

we only know darkness because we know light
we also know that we all wanted Robin to live

I think we all identify with Robin now more than ever


One of the most remarkable songs about survival in the face of trauma is Tori Amos’ “Me And A Gun” which recounts her thoughts during and after surviving rape.

The refrain is “but I haven’t seen Barbados, so I must get out of this.”
And that’s the tiny voice that Robin Williams couldn’t hear inside his own mind, the cry of survival.  The will to live.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I was a class clown.

This meant mischief, pranks, and being a big mouth. But it was always for the sake of fun. I wasn't a mean clown.

I will NEVER forget one day in a high school class when a kid named Ben, a nice but opinionated boy who played soccer, who I also never had conflict with nor too much interaction with other than casual friendliness - RAILED against me in the middle of the class. The teacher wasn't in the same part of the room when this happened so he didn't hear it.

I don't remember the specifics of what was said - but I remember that I could not figure out WHY he was saying it.
I know this:
I made a joke.
Ben tore me down in front of the room, going off on me for being a clown, yelling at me as though it was impossible to hurt my feelings - as though I didn't have any,
I remember the shock and surprise that anyone could possibly think that
I remember yelling back "how can you say that! how can you think I can't be insulted! how can you think I don't have feelings?! Stop!"

And I remember him being smug and suggesting that I don't have feelings - because I'm such a loudmouth, because I'm always making jokes.

I can't remember the words.
But I'll never forget learning that.

He thought I deserved to be taken down.

In my life, at times, I've encountered difficult people who have the perception that I can take everything that's thrown at me. I can't.

Putting yourself out there can be an invitation for others to hurt you - but it shouldn't be. We shouldn't rape people for wearing sexy clothes. We shouldn't yell at people for speaking their mind (let's exclude hate speech). We shouldn't suffocate celebrities with unrelenting paparazzi and gossip reporting.

Robin Williams' death is a reminder to all people that every living person should not ever be objectified. He's a human being beyond what you knew of him. We all just learned that our extroverted clown was sad, felt pain, and didn't want to live.

Every person you encounter has a private soul.

The comedian's desire to make people laugh is a compulsion.

When you know you can, you feed it, and it feeds you.
But it cannot be found when the comedian is alone.  

It thrives on you, on others being there.  Your presence gives permission for the comedian to escape into you.  Your presence is the ignition of the flame.  You can really feel it when the fire is out, and it takes a lot to feel good while extinguished.

And that's part of why it's hard to be alone as a comedian.
But it's so very possible.

If you can accept and embrace your life's circumstance.
Without having to lie to yourself about it.
While knowing you're trying your best because you are.
And that's certainly universally true.

People often say comedy and standup comedy is hard.
But when you are born with that compulsion, the difficulty of it feels irrelevant.  It doesn't feel entirely like a choice, it feels partly like an obligation.  Ambitions are often admired but one quality of ambition is that it's just there - you don't know how it got there.  You were born with it. You don't know why or how other people don't have it but you know it's ok that they don't because people are different and that's good.

There's a million manifestations of ambition and talent, and those born with those things know that they have this extra hunger.  This extra obligation to something they can't explain.

Why did Robin Williams need to make us laugh and act so silly while he was suffering inside?
Because he couldn't help it.  He was born with that hunger.  With his natural impulses.  

And when he was alone, he had to face his pain.  His best medicine could not be found.
He loved you as much as you loved him.  He didn't do this because he wanted to hurt you.  I don't know him, but I know this.


Friday, July 11, 2014

Success! THANK YOU!

I'm so deeply excited to announce that the Kickstarter campaign for my upcoming feature film "Inside You" was a success!  I'm incredibly grateful to supporters and am so excited to shoot this film in September.

For those of you who missed the deadline to give via Kickstarter and still want to support the film, you may donate here:

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Dear UCB and comedy community,

Do you remember the first time you saw a show at the UCB theatre?  Do you remember your first Del Close Marathon?

I remember the hot summer of 2001, waiting in line at the UCB theatre on 22nd street to watch some crazy wrestling improv show with Rob Huebel, Rob Riggle, Amy Poehler, Horatio Sanz and others.  At the time, Horatio was the only really famous one.  Afterwards the crowd went to a nearby bar called McManus, and the people I just idolized were hanging out and drinking beers together.  I was thrilled in 2002 when my college comedy group “Capitol goga” performed at the Del Close Improv Marathon.  We wore matching shirts.  Serious stuff. Since then I've taken every improv class at the theatre, auditioned for Harold teams just like many of you, and performed at many sketch and standup shows at the theatre.

On our way to perform at the 2002 DCM.
Over the years, we’ve witnessed the UCB transform into a phenomenon unlike anything else.  The UCB theatre moved from 22nd to 26th street, and then on to LA.  Now there’s even shiny elevators and a corporate building instead of running operations from that dingy 22nd street basement!  We lost great clubs like Rififi and Mo Pitkins, but we gained the UCB East and new improv theatres like The PIT and The Magnet.  

I did standup for years in NYC while spending all of my money from dayjobs on film equipment and UCB classes, performing and shooting comedy videos on my nights and weekends.  Eventually I began NYU’s Grad Film program, and I gave up every other comedy discipline to focus on film writing and directing.  It was heartbreaking to separate myself from that world and watch it grow and thrive without me, but I was determined that my new skills and expertise would pay off. I'm shooting my first feature film this September in NYC. It's a comedy called "Inside You" about a couple that switches bodies magically in the tone of modern comedies like Louis, Girls, and Apatow movies.

Now is a critical moment when I need your support.  Please consider backing this project on kickstarter and telling people about it.  Even $1 donations are meaningful.  They are a vote of confidence, and the amount of backers helps create visibility.

My hope is that you realize “she’s just like me!” and think, “if I’m in her shoes, I hope that the community supports me too.”  I’ll always tell writers and actors that the UCB theatre is the number one place to develop their craft.  And sometimes I’ll tell humans that improv classes are the number one place to develop their humanity.

You have been a part of my work from the beginning, and I hope to keep you with me every step of the way.

Thank you,

Heather Fink

Saturday, June 14, 2014

My very first kickstarter is LIVE!

for Heather Fink's Birthday Party Film Event Comedy Variety Show

Lulu's in Greenpoint: 113 Franklin St
Thursday June 19

Hannibal Buress
Chris Gethard
Jacqueline Novak
Jamie Lee
Sunita Mani
Rob Lathan
Anya Marina

Free - No Cover Charge
But those who make donations to Fink's feature film "Inside You" kickstarter will be handsomely rewarded (it’s not a catch ok, you can have fun anyway even if you are a turd and don’t give anything).  Also FREE PIZZA from Lulu's when you buy a drink.

Monday, June 09, 2014

Pain Anniversaries and Perspective

“Heather you know what today is.” said my mom

It’s the 4 year anniversary of my dad’s stroke.

This is the only anniversary of a painful thing that I keep track of, perhaps you have yours.

Today felt like two other things: the day before my birthday, and the day I intended to launch my kickstarter but I had a glitch, now it’s launching tomorrow morning on my birthday.

So in 2010, on my 29th birthday I was in the hospital where I was born, listening to the emergency helicopters land on the roof, alongside other beeps.  Sitting by my dad’s side as my sister, mom and I took turns, I volunteered for the wee hours.  He kept waking up, looking around, confused.  Fresh out of the stroke his body was mostly paralyzed and he couldn’t speak at all.  His eyes would open wide and he would look around the room and I thought about how scary that must have been to wake up and not know what the FUCK is happening to you, why can’t I speak, why can’t I move?  So every time he did that I would say to him “You just had a stroke, you are in the hospital.” or something like that.

A lot has happened these past four years.  His right side is paralyzed.  He can say the words: Hi, Bye, Yes, No, Ok.  He can write the first letter of a word sometimes.  He has his memory, personality, and can read and comprehend - the part of his brain that takes in language is different from the part that puts it out.  His motor skills are impaired so he can’t just learn sign language.  He cannot use the bathroom without assistance.  My mother has to brush his teeth, cut his food, transfer him in and out of various chairs, beds and cars.

He cannot be left alone, and he has constant needs that he cannot take care of himself.  The world is not built for a wheelchair, his medicine is at least 800 a month WITH insurance, and all of his handicapped things like a chair lift up the stairs and a special van for the special chair cost thousands of dollars.  My mom doesn’t get to relax.  The idea of a vacation is so difficult since the world isn’t built for wheelchairs and especially not most places you like to visit, my mom is exhausted at the idea of trying.

But I call my parents just about every day and I try to visit them once a week.  They are funny.  They are loving.  They are alive.  They raised me in an incredibly supportive, loving, and safe, even if ecclectic, environment.  I’ve had the opportunity to live a life full of adventure and have seen and experienced some of the most incredible things life has to offer.

The number one thing I got from all of this is perspective.
What is BAD really?  What is DIFFICULT really?  What is personal FREEDOM really?

Those voices on the end of the phone are so cute and vibrant and loving.

Some people are able bodied and they are totally miserable to be around.  Which is worse?

These generous people, my parents - I’m lucky to have them, and I’m lucky they are alive, and I’m lucky they are so silly and I’m lucky that I know they love me.  I know not everyone has that.

And they have me too. Maybe one day I’ll be big and successful and then they can have piƱa coladas on a comfy beach and someone that helps bring them over. On the one hand money isn’t everything, maybe you are someone who has lots of money and no happiness. You can’t force happiness no matter how hard you spend. And so then you need perspective.

And so in that light, the value of perspective shines.

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Why won't people date me? A reaction to today's tragedy.

What happened today is extremely sad and disturbing.  I think there's other people out there who feel upset about dating and girls or boys "not wanting them" so I want to talk to those people.

There are many different reasons why many of us haven’t found someone to be with.  

1) Maybe you are unattractive.  
The solution to that is to work on being the most attractive person you can be, examine: your health, your personality (are you pleasant to be around), what you have to offer (do you have any skills or hobbies? do you have anything to say? do you know things?).  Those things can all be worked on: exercise, eating right, seeing a therapist, meditating, education, travel, learning a skill, working, volunteering - the list goes on and on and there’s a million things in your control that can make you more attractive!

I truly believe that you will attract someone who is as attractive as you.  And attractiveness is a reflection of the efforts you make in life.  If you are kind, you can attract someone kind.  Don’t expect a supermodel if you don’t look like one.  Maybe you can “get one” based on your personality or money BUT it’s unfair to EXPECT something that you can’t offer AND perhaps your values are screwed up (you just want someone for superficial reasons and expect someone to want you for the real you?!).  
How can you expect someone to love you for absolutely no reason?  You have to give someone happiness and love in order to get happiness and love in return.  If you don’t like someone for a REAL reason, and you just want them for their money or looks, you won’t have solved your loneliness or desire problem.  You are just being stupid, and you know better.  You do.

2) Maybe you are very attractive.
You aren’t good at flirting or dating.  
Maybe that’s a confidence thing.  Maybe you could observe others, or just become more aware of social cues, or really think about the kinds of things that make you smile, and think about how to do that with others.   Or maybe you have a hard time seeing the opposite sex as just regular people.  Don’t put them on a pedestal or treat them as alien creatures.  Treat them as friends and family.  Just talk to them like you would talk to any person.  Speak to them how you would like to be spoken to.  If you're awkward that's ok, it can be really cute, as long as you are SINCERE.  If they don’t like what you have to say, and you aren’t being a jerk - then maybe they aren’t very attractive or cool after all.  Don’t desire someone who doesn’t understand you or like the things you like.  That’s silly.

You will also have more to say, and be more natural at saying it, if you live a little.  Get out there and make experiences.  JUST DO THINGS ALREADY!  Don't be sheltered.  Do stuff.  There's all kinds of stuff to do.

You probably have to learn how to be friends with people from the opposite sex before you learn how to be attractive to them.  If you don't see them as normal people, you won't act normally around them, and you just might be creepy.  It's important to not be creepy.  People have natural instincts to protect themselves from harm, and romantic interactions are only possible when someone is comfortable enough to be vulnerable around you.

Important note: being pushy and forceful and not being able to sense how the other person feels - is extremely unattractive.  You have to learn social norms and understand people in order to make someone feel comfortable and interested in you.  You are desirable when someone is able to learn what is great about you, and then they have the opportunity to win you over!  You can make someone like you simply by showing them your best self, and creating the opportunity for that person to talk to you.  Don't repel them by being pushy, attract and entice them by being awesome.

3) Maybe you are very attractive AND you ARE good at dating and flirting.
But you just can’t find the right person.
This is a difficult one, but it's also normal and common, so give yourself a break.  You must accept that you can’t control what life brings your way, or who likes you, or how people act.  You can only control yourself.  You really must make it a priority to have a fulfilling and meaningful life outside of a relationship.  This can be challenging, but also very rewarding.  Appreciate the time you have to focus on your own projects and desires in life.  It’s really wonderful that love and sex are possible in life, but don’t stress out if you can’t find someone you want to do that with.  It doesn’t grow on trees.  Some people are less picky, or more lucky.  These are things you can’t help.  Life is mysterious and unpredictable.

I don't believe spending all of your time TRYING to date and meet people works very well, but obviously you won't meet anyone if you hide inside your house.  Balance is always healthy.

I do believe that the harder something is to achieve, the greater the reward.  I’m single still after a long time, and I feel attractive and that men like me - but I don’t feel something special with most men I meet - even if they are attractive, those special feelings are never guaranteed.  It happens once in a while and of course I enjoy it when it all works out.  Sure, I wish it happened all the time, that would be really fun.  But I can’t force my feelings, and I don't want to pretend to like someone, or settle for something less.  That's a recipe for disaster!  The loneliness that causes enhances my need to do great things on my own.  The fact that there’s no man around to support me has forced me to become a stronger and more capable person because I really have to face a lot of situations where I've got to be strong for myself, and figure out how to do something for myself.  I think that has a meaningful purpose in my life story, and that will influence how it all works out.  I also think that means that I have a lot more to give, and help me have a relationship out of desire and pleasure rather than necessity and dependency.  So those are all meaningful ways to look at that situation.

Good luck out there, kids.


If you have the desire to hurt someone, please talk about it and try to figure it out.   Discussion and thought really help people let go of their anger and hurt. 

Expect that your life will include sadness and pain and learn how to accept and process those things!

You CAN have a life full of joy and meaning.  You MAY NOT be able to have the life that you WANT if what you WANT is unreasonable, unrealistic, or simply out of reach.  That doesn't matter.  You can still have a good life that didn't go the way you PLANNED because life is MAGIC and MAGIC CAN'T BE PLANNED!  

Do your best and life does the rest.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Beware the Fem-cho Garbage, ladies

It’s fine and wonderful to like makeup and cupcakes.  I like those things.  But when I look at those YouTube ads for the makeup lady and cooking and self esteem videos I’m grossed out.  Is THIS what a girl is?  I feel like this Pinteresty garbage is turning women’s brains into cute zombie mush.

I don’t like cute and I don’t like quirky.  I find "quirky" deeply repulsive in both men and women and I suspect I'm not alone.  Then again I’m pretty macho for a hetero woman.  But also not!  Hey I’m possibly the best manicured boom operator in the union!

Feminine isn’t pastel colors and those stupid freakin cake shop fonts they toss around.

True femininity is more subtle and personal than that.   It's those indescribable moments when someone catches you being a girl.  Or it's how you can't help but move your body.  The rest of it - the really surface stuff - much like superficial masculinity — ya know unjustified “macho” ness - is terrible.

So I don’t know what to call it - being Fem-cho?

It’s Fem-cho garbage, ladies.

Being CUTE isn’t about being the living embodiment of “girly home” magazine.  That shizz is just annoying.  Sometimes not annoying, but - too much of it makes you an empty lil cream puff.  Do your makeup so your face looks nice.  Spend extra time on cupcakes if it’s for someone special and you really enjoy it.  BUT FOR FARKS SAKE aside from making them for a special occasion, if you’re not an entrepreneur with your own cupcake business - IT’S KINDA LAME.

LIPGLOSS IS NICE FOR THE 10 SECONDS IT TAKES TO APPLY IT.  And I totally understand getting sucked into fun makeup times and girly stuff sometimes - it is fun and nothing to be ashamed of.  But - fluff is fluff.

Being a human being (remember girl, you are one of those) requires more than cuteness to do it right.  Ever notice how someone who comes off as too cute seems really fake?  That's because too much of it feels like a mask over the person's friggin soul.  Don't mask your soul with garbage!  Let 'er rip!!!  Healthy doses (HEALTHY DOSES!) mixed with real life experiences, honest human interaction, and some self-awareness (ask yourself the hard questions on a regular basis) and you won't be a vanilla pudding head fem-cho.

Wednesday, April 30, 2014

I can only show you my face when it's smiling

Right people?

Listen, I'm all for being real and truthful over vapid and full of it - but I don't want that last blog post to be the most recent thing I posted, for all those who google me for one reason or another to find first and foremost.

A major message behind that post is that I want to reinforce the concept that experiencing depression, low points, or even thinking about suicide at some point in your life isn't something to be ashamed of.  Life isn't easy, and you are human, so you feel things.

But that wasn't a cry for help.  That was me trying to relate to you and say, hey - it's ok.  You can get past it.

I'm happy now


I'm full speed ahead in Pre-Production for my feature film "Inside You" which will shoot in NYC in September.  I'M SO HAPPY I WROTE A CHEAPER SCRIPT WHICH IS SIMPLE AND UNCOMPLICATED.

Also, I love Iggy Azalea.  She's magic.

Monday, April 07, 2014

To my brothers and sisters in comedy: My own struggles with depression, and the disappearance of the beautiful, smart, and funny Jiwon Lee.

Jiwon Lee has been missing since April 1. I had received texts from her reaching out after we hadn't spoken in years shortly before this happened. Yes this affects the way I feel right now.

I remember the first time that I felt like I didn’t want to live anymore.
When I was 13, the world came crashing down around me when I realized the realities of dating and boys and girls.

Our whole life we are sold ideas of disney princes, romantic movies, love, caring, and respectful partners.  So when I suddenly became popular at 13, I hooked up with a boy for the first time.  It was my first time getting played.  He didn’t care about me as a person.  He didn’t call me back.  He simply “got some” and I didn’t know what that meant.

I felt like I had been lied to.  I felt like adults were stupid and they fed us nothing but bullshit.  I felt that all the aspirational ideas about romance were complete crap.  I spent the next few years adapting to the realities of intimacy and accepting them.  But THEN at that moment, I felt the world was meaningless and I had nothing to look forward to.  I was listening to great music like Hole, NIN, Nirvana, Tori Amos watching MTV.  Melting things in my room.  I was in full on teen angst mode, wrote poetry, hung out with skateboarder kids.  And I remember being in my room, writing things like “Why god did you give us minds to think and hearts to feel if all you wanted to do was fuck us?”

What got me past it - even in that moment I felt NOTHING mattered - was that famous Dylan Thomas poem “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night.” and to "rage against the dying of the light."  Even if I felt no light at the end of the tunnel, there was an underlying idea that you can’t go out without a fight, and that possibility of a spark exists.  And every time in my future that I revisited this feeling, this sentiment - DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO THAT GOODNIGHT surfaced inside of me.

There have been other times in my life that I’ve revisited this deep meaninglessness and the times that stand out the strongest are the following:
- In 2004 when I was asked to repeat my first year of law school (C average meant failing on the bell curve) and a week later my boyfriend who I moved in with dumped me for another woman.  So at 23 I lost who I thought I was going to be career wise, and the man I thought I was going to marry.  I was young and had no sense of how much life I had ahead of me.  This was my deepest depression and most hopeless time.  I lost 30 pounds, even puked from sadness.  When I fantasized about offing myself it was specifically to jump in the hudson river.  I was unable to be productive, clean my dishes, or do anything.  I was crazy minded and volatile.  I was a complete total mess.
- In 2007 after 2 years of working in gay porn.  That’s right - after law school I found a fun job as head of a PR and marketing for a gay adult company and was a standup comedian.  It was actually a wonderful experience however 2 years into it, I hadn’t had enough success in comedy and felt like a failure.  I was afraid that my life revolved around empty, meaningless things and I had screwed it up.  I didn’t feel connected to my dreams and aspirations.  I remember being in Los Angeles and having a terrible time, wishing for better, and then a man I confided in ended up scaring me and thinking he was going to force himself on me sexually - which he got close to doing but I got out of the situation.  I remember sitting on the phone with my friend Dan from a Malibu hotel, him trying to console me.  Beauty feels shitty when you aren’t in the right place to enjoy it.
- Most recently in February of this year I felt this way for a bit.  This has happened periodically but not in big ways like mentioned earlier.  I felt like a failure for not achieving enough in comedy and film.  I was trying to write my feature film script and I didn’t have enough pages and I kept watching internet tv.  I struggle with aging, with losing my looks, with being single, with my family situation which is deeply sad since my dad suffered his stroke.

But I didn’t get like this in 2010 when my dad had his stroke.  There couldn’t be a single thought of suicide because I felt so deeply connected to my family and their needs and how insanely selfish it would be to do something like that.  Even though it’s the hardest, saddest thing I’ve ever been through, there was no thought of meaninglessness.  Every action felt so meaningful in the face of loss - even when painful.

Today I don’t feel this.  Why?  Well I just finished the first draft of my feature screenplay, and I’ve been working sound jobs more as I’m in the union, and learning new things, working on big fun fancy movies.  Both of those things are extremely rewarding and I feel connected to the things I want in life.

I know there’s one way out of depression and suicidal thoughts:

Doing things, and using creative energies.

This could be in the form of being healthy: exercise.  Or doing activities, getting out, cleaning your room - or throwing yourself into your big ambitions and dreams.  When you’re really depressed it doesn’t matter that you KNOW getting up and doing good things will make you feel better.  You don’t have much of the capacity to do them.

Jiwon Lee has communicated to the world that she was depressed and lost feeling before going missing.  That leads us to assume that she is missing because of suicide, or because she was seeking meaning or entertainment - or SOMETHING - that led her to a dangerous situation.  Either way she gave her cry for help and now she is gone and hopefully not forever.

I’ve been connecting with others in the comedy community since Jiwon’s disappearance and we are shaken and confused.  

Do you have any idea how talented and capable you are?  My fellow comedians, we all keep chasing our dreams, exposing ourselves, opening up to sometimes dead rooms, competing against each other from time to time.

Sometimes we change our dreams and change our course but we will always be standup comedians inside.  Some of us have specials on Comedy Central.  Some of us end up on SNL.  Some of us end up in the suburbs with a family and miss the life  - and don’t realize how beautiful their new life is, and wonder if they were ever loved or appreciated in their old life.  

We are all dying to “get there”
We don’t often tell each other how much we admire each other.

I’m moved by realizing what our community is, that so often we are passing ships in a “scene.”  Night after night of shows and bullshitting and sharing and baring it all on stage and showing up at things.

Nobody can love everybody, or be there for everybody, or save everybody.

I’m taking a second to say, hey, you mean something to me, and I care about you.

More photos of Jiwon.