Sara Benincasa wrote about how I spent a night at the Plaza with her and Mandy Stadtmiller for a story. It was a truly wonderful experience. I wasn't supposed to post about it before. But Sara did, so ... we'll see if someone tells me to take it down :)

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When will society accept that all straight guys aren't schlubs who trudge around in a testosterone haze, resenting their overbearing girlfriends? Some of us enjoy being emasculated; it's actually sort of relaxing after centuries of oppressing everyone all the time.

From this well written superbowl recap via gawker.

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Sean Patton is a local comedian, friend, and sincerely talented dude! Check him out on Fallon:


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Please give your money and support to the Boner Center.

The John H. Boner Community Center - your community center - serves Indianapolis' near Eastside. Every contribution supports the center's work by providing the financial resources needed to help continue individuals move towards self reliance and encourages people to an improved quality of life!

By providing its many services and programs, the John H. Boner Community Center is a vital element to the quality of life of its residents. Without your support, the Boner Center cannot exist.

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CNN takes on "the G Spot"

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A super cool video Ted Talk about making sounds visual via their natural vibration patterns.

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Rare Photos of famous people. A very random, fun list.

George Clooney

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Katheryn Bigelow GO GET EM TIGER

Kathryn Bigelow became the first-ever female winner of the Directors' Guild of America (DGA) award for best direction in a feature film.

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Arcade Fire's incredible fusion of web and film for Black Mirror, they did something incredibly impressive with the web before for Neon Bible.

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Ratatouille is one of the best films I've seen. So completely fun and well executed, great story. I'm not so into seeing animated disney features. Now I get it.

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My friend Raphael Bob-Waskberg showed me how he's even MORE talented than I knew before after I saw his play the Mike and Morgan show. His writing was phenomenal - mark my words - this man can write extremely well, and anyone who gives him money, like a movie studio, will be rewarded. RBW is a comedy writer/performer best known for his group Olde English.

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I don't care if Die Antwoord is South Africa's Ali G and a joke, the songs are fun and they look great. Also, props to the Dutch language, and I heard them playing the Ninja song at some trendy sceney dance night. Cory Kennedy and entourage was also there so we experienced a Nylon magazine photoshoot come to life. That was after having dinner at the Waverly Inn, a notch on the New Yorker belt.
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AND FINALLY A SONG

Gang Bang Suicide by Broken Social Scene

Labels: knowledges

I had fun with my Aesthetics II: Production Design Homework where we had to compare 2 images and discuss how color effects the feeling/impact of the imagery.
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The burger on top is beautiful, sumptuous, exciting. I want to take a bite of that juicy happy burger. The reds and greens are fresh and inviting. The yellow is friendly. The toppings have a glorious sheen. They contrast against a gently colored bun. The burger itself is there, but its big bad brown color isn't as prominent.



The burger on bottom is a burger of shame. This is the burger of the bullemics. It's dark and ominous, bacon and cheese drooling down the eerie grayed brown sides of the meat. The whole scene is just depressing, shadowed, and bleak. This burger is someone's painful memory and shameful night. This is the burger that you ate when you got that nasty VD on that night when you drank too much and took those pills because you were trying to forget. Right?

I find it hilarious just thinking about how weird it must be for Woody Allen to make a hot alpha male offspring
Ronan Farrow

this clip also has billy dee williams

Calla Spring 2010 is beautiful.


I love the model in the photos too - the lighting on her skin, her hairstyle.
Want these outfits.

jj - let go mp3

I'm doing standup tomorrow night. Then I think that's it till summertime, the semester is very soon swallowing me whole. But I like being swallowed! Wait. Yeah, no, definitely. Like I'm inside a big wet esophageal tube of life experience.



Rockstars were nice young and in black and white






OK. BACK TO THE HOMEWORK.

I just saw Todd Solondz' Happiness for the first time and loved it. The opening scene was my favorite part. Jon Lovitz gives an impeccable performance and the fact that Solondz was able to get that performance out of him is truly impressive. John Lovitz is perfectly talented, he just rarely does such honest, emotionally driven work. Todd Solondz teaches directing at NYU in the 2nd or 3rd year of the graduate program - I MUST HAVE HIM! I hope so anyway.

Aside from that the film is disturbing, fun, hilarious in a sometimes over the top way (which is funny because it's a bunch of subtle moments layered over big ones). He finds humor in the painful moments - which is something I intend to do as a filmmaker - though I'm less "quirky" about my storytelling. This isn't a movie to watch with your parents, hopefully.

Using this as an example:


And that's not nearly the most disturbing moment of the film.

Happiness deals a lot with sexual repression, perversion, and sexual angst. It all builds to the perfect finish.

Labels: movie

New Air video!


Casey Spooner - Faye Dunaway mp3

The Knife - "Colouring Of Pigeons" mp3
about the song

Owl City is a terrible ripper offer musician. Avoid their fireflies!

And this Sunday - a live symphonic retrospective of David Bowie's career featuring a full orchestra and rock band along with a cavalcade of musical and cabaret performers!

Labels: music

Right now the heartbreak really feels intensely painful. I think that might be good. I should feel intensely terrible and then maybe it'll purge out of my system. I just wish it would fucking go away! It's a pest and it's unwelcome and I wish I could just let it go already but I don't even know how.

It's so hard to focus on everything about it that really sucked. I cannot shake these stupid ideals of hope when I think about him, and that it could've been better. It could've been better but it never got better and that's why I ended it - but it never ever gets easier to accept that. Actually I just haven't accepted it. I haven't accepted the idea that the relationship sucked and I'm better off without him - I'm only aware of it on a superficial level - but my heart definitely doesn't know it.

Truth is, that I'm left with the fact that we've loved each other so deeply and intensely in spite of fuck ups and conflict. No matter how stupid anything seemed, I loved him anyway, and he loved me. We both love each other and miss each other. How can I move on? It seems completely impossible - but totally healthy - and the right thing to do.

I wish I could know when these feelings would end, and just let go of their vice grip on me. I wish to seriously move on, but it's all still very present and entirely terrible.

There is something inside of the human spirit that makes love more tangible than the tangible. The pain we feel from the loss of love is intense and real. There's something to that, now isn't there? We were built to feel all of these things. We were built to suffer and built to know that love is important.

Labels: essay

Catch me this Thursday night January 14th
JELLY NYC new comedy show (The Pool Parties people)
hosted by Jordan HB w/ standup guests incl me and my favorite standup Hanibal Burress.
Williamsburg BKLYN
8pm



Also
Friday Jan 29th
@ Ochi's Lounge/Comix on 14th st near 9th Avenue
353 West 14th
The Backroom Comedy show
Hosted by Paul Case

Labels: shows

Street Meat co-host and favorite person Rob Lathan just released a book!
"Get Psyched"

And former Street Meat guest Andrew WK is hosting an evening at Santos to defend himself as actually being himself.

Other former Street Meat guest Ann Carr has an awesome new web series!

Right before New Years Eve, I wrote something below and called it "MY NEW YEARS TOAST" - I often write things and decide not to post them.

Thing is, when I found the time to post this, I didn't feel that way anymore. In general I've felt quite badly all year, but something happened to me on New Years, the combination of working on 2nd year students' films and meeting great new people changed my perspective. I feel like we are a couple of days into 2010 and god is being good to me already. He has sent me some things to cheer me up, and for that I'm grateful. Either way - below was how I felt in December. It's just not how I feel right now. Maybe.

MY NEW YEARS TOAST

Dear friends,

I'm Depressed.

Just gonna come out and say it. PLEASE PLEASE DON'T MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT! It happens in people's lives sometimes, and it's not really a big deal. I recognize that I'm having a bad year, a year full of things that don't bring me happiness - and I think bad years just happen sometimes. Can't all be peaches n cream, but I'm sure life will get better eventually.

This is just how things are in my life right now. It's scary because when you're out, you're not your best you, and there's a fear you are going to get caught or something. You can't just hang out with people and be a total dick and let them know you aren't enjoying yourself.

Right now I'm fairly demanding when it comes to situations being enjoyable. First of all, I don't like bars. Just don't, unless -> I really like having a good conversation with an interesting person. That's often what I like most when I go anywhere, having a good conversation with an interesting person. I also like adventures or trying something new that I haven't tried before. But not drugs. And for that matter, I get more depressed when people are being fucked up or shady. I can't stand when people do for real drugs. It makes me look at the world as tainted. And I can't stand witnessing guys either be violent or gross to women or cheating. That's just bleak and makes the world seem ugly. And I can't stand seeing women act stupid. And I'm not into getting shitfaced drunk because it's dumb and unhealthy and only fun once in a blue moon. And I don't like being hit on because it's annoying and painful when men can't just be themselves/getting into my pants these days is like getting into NYU's prestigious Graduate Film Program. So honestly I can get grumpy and distant all too easily like a pissy old man.

But it's also not everywhere. It's NYC, there are magical nights. That's the thing I am supposed to remind myself because it will make you feel like you don't have to remind me. I know, I know, it's not all bad. I'm also lucky and fortunate and thankful for a wide variety of things, are we clear on that? Yeah ok so anyway.

It's a bad year. And I'm not perfect or my best. And now I have to be afraid that the world is going to have a problem with this, as one of my best friends basically told me he doesn't like me anymore and one of his reasons was that I'm too negative and emotional. So being in this state isn't exactly safe. By the way it was Stephen who said that, so if you know him, know that I hate that motherfucker for kicking me when I'm down/not being a true friend/turning out to be a real asshole/never just talking to me about what bothered him/not being there when it really counts/replacing me with a more successful female comedian best friend/being so goddamn superficial and cold. I've grown paranoid that I've fucked up as a human being/that the person I really am is not ok/afraid that anyone could turn on me at any time no matter what I do/am still in shock that anyone could be that much of a dick and don't want to believe he's really that terrible ... so YEAH! Um that was bad and so back to what I was saying.

If you must know the science of why such a bad year- here: lost job, lost apartment and deeply dislike my living situation but it's just so affordable, breakup with boyfriend, breakup with best friend, wish to have achieved more with life/am struggling artist/tearing self up about the things I want to create, started using cream for the prevention of eye wrinkles - see, it's just a period of life that'll bring me to what's next in this magical journey.

I'm going to deal with this, and do things to make it better - but depressed is just where I'm at right now and it will probably last a decent amount of time. I've always expected me to be perfect for myself, and if I'm going to be ok with it, you have to be ok with it too.

And please understand why I am sharing this information - I'm not searching for sympathy, pity, or your prescription for how to make it better - I just want to be honest about being depressed - because I'm pretty sure you've been there too, and I'd rather not be in the closet about it. Maybe next year or the year after that I'll be so fucking awesome and fancy and cool as shit and deeply fulfilled in my soul and have a washer/dryer in my apartment or something really fucking incredible like that.

** Cheers **

Labels: essay

i still update flickr

VOYEUR THIS:


That's what I look like when I'm a DP Cameralady person! I look cool!

watch out Fonze



NOOoooo go away I SAID WATCH OUT!

Yes. This:
http://dontevenreply.com/

Labels: humor

If you are wienering around (isn't that more pleasant than saying "dicking" around?) and haven't got much to do - or just don't feel like doing it - reward yourself by watching scenes from Alan Berliner's documentary "Nobody's Business"

enjoy these clips here because it's hard to find anywhere!

And enjoy this clip from the Documentary "American Movie" about some Wisconsin guys trying to make a low budget movie, where pretty much everything goes wrong that could go wrong - this is a scene where the director is trying to get his dad to do a voice over:



And here's an excellent film about cat massage:


I truly love this new Massive Attack song and very NSFW music video:
New Massive Attack Video - "Paradise Circus" (Feat. Hope Sandoval) (NSFW) Adult movies used to be shot on real film and were completely visually different, and a truly unique look at 1970s human behavior.

Speaking of NSFW - Chef Academy's Emmanuel!!!! I love reality shows about cooking and now I love them more.


AND ON A PERSONAL NOTE
My first semester of film school is just about over. Tomorrow the faculty evaluates my film, and I've already started shooting my documentary project and writing my adaptation (we adapt a short story into a short film) which will keep me well occupied till May!

That's about as personal as it gets right now. I shall lead you to believe that I am a goal oriented and focused young lady.

Labels: movie

(it's real, not a joke)



Courtney,

When I say I love you, I am not ashamed, nor will anyone ever ever come close to intimidating, persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise.

I wear you on my sleeve. I spread out wide open with the wing span of a peacock, yet all too often with the attention span of a bullet to the head.

I think its pathetic that the entire world looks upon a person with patience and a calm demeanor as the desired model citizen, yet there’s something to be said about the ability to explain ones self with a toned down, tune deaf tone.

And I will say it: I am what they call the boy who is slow. How I metamorphosised from hyperactive to cement is for the lack of a better knife to the throat hu, annoying, aggrevating, confusing as dense as cement.

Cement holds no other mineral. You can’t even find fools gold in it. Its strictly man made and youve taught me it’s ok to be a man and in the classic mans world

I parade you around proudly like the ring on my finger which also holds no mineral.

Love Kurt

This makes me happy:


This makes me afraid:
Alligator F---house

This weekend I decided to sing again.

Reason:
to enjoy it.

The last time I sang I was 18. I had about 10 years of voice lessons, mostly classical, and used to sing in all sorts of choirs. I miss it. It felt good, it kept my mind active in a partly soul warming partly mathematical way.

So I will start taking private voice lessons again, 1 hour a week, get my voice back into shape - because it is out of shape, and I want to relearn all of my favorite classical songs. I prefer to sing Italian arias and have a couple favorites in French and Spanish too. So I'd like to relearn those, and if I get good enough, I'll perform them on a stage! Maybe mix classical Italian pieces with comedy. Could be something fun to play with there - already getting ideas!

I'll start lessons in a couple of weeks.

Here's one of my favorite songs by Claude Debussy

And I will definitely relearn this one!!!
Beau Soir (Beautiful Evening)
Claude Debussy, arranged by Linda Steen Spevacek

When, ’neath the setting sun,
flows a river in evening,
and the warm summer wind blows out across the field
Then from all things a thought arises to be happy,
and it counsels the troubled heart.
And it tells us we should enjoy the gift of living
while we’re young and the sun is setting in full bloom.
For we shall go away,
like water that is flowing.
It to the sea,
we to the tomb.

See - hilarious.

Labels: music

One of the reasons my ex best friend dumped me is because he said I've been too sad and too negative all this year.
And he's right.
I've been much more sad and negative than in the past.

I'd lost my job.
I left my favorite apartment where I used to love life.
I was getting too old and not amounting to anything yet.
And I was in a terrible relationship with a wonderful man who I loved deeply.

Today the sky is giving out coldness and beautiful interesting drops of half snow rains.
I love the rain and love the snow more.
I miss the view out of my 5th floor window onto Delancey Street.
I miss going out into the living room with weird Annemarie and the ease of laughter that came along with it.
I miss the warm oven and the meals we made.
I miss Stephen and Evan and Adam on Saturdays eating my cooking.
My fridge always stocked with beer and my cabinets always stocked with whisky.
The stemless wine glasses before they all broke, they would sit on my windowsill in the mornings after.
My iPod alarm clock played all of the songs we loved.

Last Christmas I bought a wreath made of fresh pine.
My bank account was full and fat and the streets of SoHo invited me to buy things made of leather.

I'm still in love with the man who made me cry too many times.
Still in love with the view from the fifth floor window and the music of the people and cars below. I always dreamed about the empty penthouse across the street with the big windows and spiral staircase.

I'm absolutely nowhere right now but in between.
There's really no love, just labor.

This is the year of doing the right thing.
Clinical
Pharmaceutical
Goal Oriented
Road for Traveling.

Labels: essay

My best friend doesn't like me anymore. No, seriously. And it would be weird to go into details, but he basically thinks that we aren't like each other, that he's grown out of me. His reasons that he gave hurt. Bigtime. It feels deeply terrible to be judged and rejected by someone you really care about, and especially as I feel blindsided by it, and that it is a surprise.

I've also broken up with my boyfriend recently.

And this year I'm no longer affiliated with the fashion designer I used to support, nor am I a part of their world which includes events that many of my friends take part in. That's due to an offensive incident that was too offensive to forgive without an apology.

A closed door, a person with whom I need to stop speaking to because it's not healthy, and a burned bridge.

There are some people in my life I've experienced great difficulty with. Some that I need to love with distance because we don't get along, and I love them nonetheless. But ending love where it doesn't need to end is quite the beast, which is how I feel about the ex friend.

Human connections and relationships are deeply valuable and shouldn't be taken for granted or thrown away. Especially not completely. I think, for the sake of humanity, it's important to try to connect, sometimes especially when it's challenging. At least in a case where a sincere connection existed.

I'm really hurt - I mean how could he? Right? That's there. It's sad, disappointing. How could he. It's pain, it's ugliness, it's bad stuff - and that bad stuff is so hard to understand.

I'm going to try and learn from the things he told me he didn't like. I'm going to try to focus on the friendships I do have and strengthen them. I'm going to focus on myself, my career, school, developing my abilities. That's all I can figure out, and I have to remind myself of it because it isn't an automatic instinct. There's definitely petty, angry, discouraged moments - which are fine to experience - those honest emotions should be dealt with.

In Terminator 2, Arnold said "It's in your nature to destroy yourselves." as a robot speaking about humans.

I'm not sure if he's right, but if we are a people who devalue human connection, who cannot see the humanity in each other - no matter if someone is a bad guy, weak, or misguided - then we will fail. I believe there is a balance between destruction and creation. The destruction of love between people probably sends pulses of evil through the ether. But there is joy and there is happiness and there is creation. It exists.

Both god and the devil are inside us, and we destroy and nurture ourselves throughout our existence. I'm sure that the destruction of love hurts our souls. So in conclusion, I say - try not to.

And I don't think the robots will take over in the end, but there might be lots of lasers, which seem awesome until they are searing your flesh.

Labels: essay

tonight I am experiencing terrible insomnia, largely because sad things and stressful things are distressing me and making me toss and turn

I didn't want to get up out of bed

I wanted the sleeping to commence

but I'm thankful that I did

I found my way to some really great kitten videos



thank you kittens
for being cute and being proof of goodness

I needed a reminder

cause there's poopies in my tea
really, that's what I'm feeling like, to an extent

That I had a really nice cup of tea and there's an actual real little poopy in there.

wtf

the kittens. the lack of sleep. that's why I said that
just forget it.

Gwar is coming to town Dec 13 and I think I want to go to that.


Rob Lathan did something very funny for Improv Everywhere! Rob makes the best confused face.

Those UHO jars are a scam.

This is sad and scary. This photo is especially haunting.

Speaking of sad, scary and haunting, I finally saw Schindler's list, which I avoided because who is ever up for sitting down to experience the holocaust in film? I will say that I was more afraid of it than I should be. It's more historical, and trying to be uplifting, especially with the ending, than I expected. I feel like I learned something from this depiction. I was afraid that I'd just be sitting down to hours of horror, considering the subject material, but it's mostly hours of humanity - yes showing horror but not in a way that is simply meant to be terrible. Get it? See it.

Emails from Crazy People.


Jan Terri!!! Please watch until she starts to sing. This song is so catchy. Gotta love her.
"Jan Terri (born December 31, 1960?) is a former musician from Chicago who gained notoriety for her VHS music videos. She recorded two albums, High Risk[1] and Baby Blues[2] in the early 90s, along with VHS cassettes including her music videos, which have recently become popular with the advent of YouTube." - wikipedia

Also saw Funny People while at home for thanksgiving. So many bad words! And naked boobs! My parents insisted on watching with me. SOOO embarrassing. Thought it was a well written story and good film, not especially funny, but also I think overdoing on the dick jokes on purpose to realistically portray what you will find in standup these days. Still a big fan of Apatow and Rogan.

Here, have some:

Bear in Heaven - Lovesick Teenagers

Yeasayer - Ambling Alp

Both links give you mp3s.

And these lyrics to Ambling Alp just feel so good to hear:

Now, the world can be an unfair place at times
But your lows will have their complement of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride

You must stick up for yourself, son
Never mind what anybody else done

The track has a joyous 80s feel, and is so positive, uplifting, and fun.

If you really want to take off to another level, have yourself some Feel Flows


I was also really excited to see this video from a fellow classmate in my film program:

Pink from Sarah-Violet Bliss on Vimeo.

The dialogue is really awesome and smart! There's a lot of talent among my classmates, but it made me especially excited to know I'm in the company of someone who wants to make great comedies too.


How are you spending your sunday? I'm having a nice evening at home licking my J&D's Bacon Flavored Mmmvelopes.

Labels: music

Musical ones. I don't really know how to play them.
I tried guitar when I was 15, and sang and read sheet music and all that.
But I've never absorbed an instrument successfully.

It's crazy how you have to learn something with patience, diligence, and precision, in order to burst it apart and make hysterical noise.

I think musical instruments are artificial appendages that must be learned to be used.
Sad that one must be calmed down for the learning process.

Mostly I'm just sad, I'd really love to get inside Dave Grohl's brain like in the Malkovich movie, and feel what it's like to drum Lithium, and I'd really like to feel that RIGHT NOW!

Labels: music