Saturday, November 21, 2015

From A Woman Director Who Wants to Be Hired And Keeps Reading All the Articles About Women Not Being Hired In Hollywood

I feel powerful.

I know really well how to make movies and tv.
I've been studying for a very long time.

In my childhood, making silly comedy videos.

In college, studying theatre, making more silly comedy videos.

In my early 20s, acting, doing improv and standup, making comedy youtube videos.

In my late 20s, dropping everything to attend Grad Film school at NYU, studying, shooting, learning the technical and creative art.

In my early 30s, becoming a union sound person/boom op, spending most of my days on the set of Oscar winning performances and some of the most watched tv shows and movies. Watching director after director, film crew after film crew, do a million crazy, ambitious, and sometimes small and simple things - watching them do it right. Figuring out what works and what doesn't work.

At 34, completing my first feature film which I financed almost completely by myself, with the exception of 20% of the total budget which came from kickstarter.

Having been rejected by countless grants I've applied for, and investors who didn't end up investing.
In debt.
Owning my movie.
Owning my work.

My work is imperfect, I still have more learning to do.
My upcoming first feature film has plenty of flaws, errors, and weaknesses I wish weren't there.

But I am a great Director. I have no Apocalypse Now or Pulp Fiction under my belt, not even close.

If you got me on set of a big tv show, I'd sure as hell be green.

But I'm telling you, I am a great Director.

I've been studying. I've been shooting. I've been Directing with small budgets, non stop, since youth. I understand how it all works inside and out. I've been inside, in front of the camera and I understand the actor. I've been studying Directing and have Directed films. And as a member of the crew, I get how all of the nuts and bolts work. I know how to ask for what I need.

I'm sick of reading all the articles about Women Directors and Women in Hollywood.

I want to be hired.

I'm doing all the things I can do aside from weird sex stuff to get there.

Also because the weird sex stuff probably wouldn't work. If anyone's blown their way to Direct a multi million dollar film or tv show, I'd like to meet them and hear their story.

I'm doing all the things.
Aside from the weird sex stuff.

Hire me because that last director you hired blew your budget on stupid shit and pissed off the cast and crew and you're hoping to find someone who really knows what they are doing.

Hire me because I know what I'm doing and how to do it. I'll make it good. I'm practical. I understand how to properly use a film budget. I know what things cost. I know what works and what doesn't work and can make adjustments on the fly. I know how to talk to actors. I know how to talk to the film crew. I have a unique creative vision and sensibility. I can do special things.
Hire me because I can handle failures big and small and get right back up again after a fall and push forward.
I know what I'm doing.

I know I have soft flowy blonde hair and I smile all the time and I seem like a nice girl who wants to giggle and party with you - maybe I do.

But that doesn't mean I couldn't whip out my skills and direct the shit out of a movie so stop underestimating me just because I fucking moisturize and do pilates sometimes.

I feel powerful because of all the things I know how to do.

I know there are other women directors who want to be hired but right now I'm speaking for me because fuck it if I can change all that right now.
Hire me.

Saturday, November 14, 2015

The truth is that horrible things can happen at any time, anywhere in the world, and where you are could be next.

War won't stop it, protests won't stop it, nothing will stop it.  But you're going to be ok, and you need to keep living your life in the most loving and productive way possible.

I know that logically one of the causes of terrorism big picture wise is global inequality - those in poor countries that don't have things view how things are in countries that are thriving economically - typically pointing at the "Western World" and it angers them - especially also since there's such a stark difference in values.  By denouncing these countries and getting angry and huffing and puffing and getting together to view people of the Western World as inhuman - as the source of your problems, as a route to happiness if destroyed (just as Hitler viewed destroying the Jews as a path to happiness/a stronger economy) ... well - deciding to destroy those who have more than you, or are different than you - is better for some than just being poor and powerless.  So they get guns and explosives in some hope to change their world and make it better.

Wouldn't it be great if instead of having mass refugee exodus - the good people of economically and politically disadvantaged countries stayed in their countries and got together to make it a better place?  Yes that would be great but it's illogical to think it will happen anytime soon - the fact that nearby countries simultaneously exist in a different and better reality - it's just natural to migrate to safety rather than try to somehow have a revolution because one person doesn't nearly have the means to make this change.  Immigration will keep happening in our modern world and will only decrease if economic conditions and human rights conditions become more globally equal.  That's not going to happen tomorrow, perhaps in decades or centuries if we evolve.  I'm sorry to tell you that everyone from other countries isn't evil, and that you can't just bomb them all or shut your borders.  If it makes you sad that you can't just declare "THEM" all the enemy - think about the fact that you can't do this: because so many of THEM are human, loving, and capable of peace and beauty.

Perhaps some change is possible - but there WILL ALWAYS BE EVIL. There will always be violence - and THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO STOP IT.  There's nothing you can do to other people that is.
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE OTHER PEOPLE YOU DON'T KNOW CHANGE.  There's nothing you can do to stop the mass shootings or terrorism at large.

The only thing you can do is with yourself and those immediate to you - your family and friends.  Those with whom you can make immediate and intimate connections.  Those with whom you can have real conversations.
This is your absolute power.  This is the point of everything I'm writing here.

Revolutions happen - but nothing happens without starting at the micro level.  And so I say stop thinking there's anything you can do - like declare WAR - that will make any difference to stop atrocities.

Yes, writing about how men should not be so selfish or angry, or this or that ideological thing needs to change has it's points - but there's not a practical solution there - perhaps education but practically how can we change global education right now?  Similarly, I am sure some practical changes like gun control will help, but we do know that it will always be possible for a bad guy to get a gun - regardless if good guys have guns too.  (Seriously though who fucking wants good guys to be packing heat all the time? That's a fucking weird universe, let the good guys go to the gym or get a coffee without being cocked and loaded please.)

All you can do is "be the change you want to see."
All you can control is what's happening in your life - and so I think your great mission if you want to be in a happy and peaceful world is to ensure that you act with love.  Anger, selfishness, dishonesty ... they happen, acknowledge them, deal with them - but don't let them result in violence as much as you can help it.  For the sake of love and spirituality - don't sit around angry - don't obsess about the news.  Be one who loves and creates and contributes to the world.

Enjoy life.

No this doesn't mean you're some peaceful flower of a person who skips through fields with puppies.  I'm sure your life is gonna be hard and ugly sometimes but for fucks sake do whatever you can to let go of petty bullshit and misplaced anger and try to be the best person you can.  If you could benefit from a therapist to be a better person, or from exercise to have a clearer mind and health, or from being more brave and bold and honest in your personal life - DO THOSE THINGS.  Be as good as you can figure out how to be.  Be as soulful and rejecting of superficial material things (but by all means enjoy a manicure or nice leather boots if it's not hurting anyone).

the point is
and try your best
TRY though, don't sit around like a lazy selfish fart worrying about dumb shit like your cellphone or that guy who said that thing to you.

Terrorism and mass shootings won't stop.
That's the power of the human will and determination which should never be squashed.
Liberty is worth this horror, but it is a horror and not a norm.

Wonderful beautiful things can also happen at any time.
The yin and the yang are always simultaneously active and this is the reality of our existence.

You may not have the power to stop terrorism right now.

You do have power.

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Oh hi

I'm writing to you from the set of a TV show that I've been working on since July in the sound department.  I'm not booming this shot and there's quite a long monologue so it's time to dive knuckle deep up in this blog right now.

What else is up?  WELLLLLL

- Here's our current schedule.

- I'm collaborating with the amazing Sara Benincasa and Directing her upcoming film "The Focus Group"

- I wrote an article for a luxury apartments magazine

I have so many other FEELINGS and thoughts I want to express ... but blogging hasn't been the same for me since .. oh I dunno SINCE EVERYBODY STARTED DOING IT AND THEN I WASN'T SPECIAL ANYMORE.


I'm sorry you are special too
I'm sorry I bothered you clearly you are busy!

FUCK I FUCKED THIS UP ryuijoucfgxhdgjbltuyxdfjghkvbluvcyxfigy8fgibnk


It's still ok?


Monday, June 15, 2015

To the woman who made me feel American

There was this day I was walking out of the parking lot at my dad's Stroke Rehabilitation Center, and I asked a nurse .... "so do you think he'll ever be able to build furniture with me again?  We always build ikea things together and stuff like that."

She said "maybe" - but it was the kind of lying maybe that we both knew was a "no."  In that moment, I had to say goodbye to something I cherished.  Something that will never happen again.
Something that is over.

Today I'm saying a similar kind of goodbye. My Great Aunt Florence died yesterday, my Grandma Gertrude's sister.

My American Grandma Gertrude was severely schizophrenic, and my other Oma Gesina lived all the way across the Atlantic Ocean in Holland.  My parents gave me so much in life, but Florence's yearly gatherings were the only thing in my life since childhood where I got to experience family the way it's written about in novels and sitcoms.  There were familiar faces, familiar foods, bar stools that spun around, the drive to her house where we got to see the awesome Flushing Meadows globe out the window, the exercise bicycle where me and my cousin Erin rode on one pedal each.  Visiting her family gatherings made me and my sister feel like maybe we were American too, and we belonged here among all the other families that ate meatloaf and watched football.

Florence lived until 91, and in her life she accomplished so many things - recently self publishing a memoir, a book of haikus, and coming to our family's side in hard times even as she reached her late years.  She outlived her sisters and remained a loving matriarch for so many people.  She was a fine artist - painting, etching, and sculpture.  Many of her works are in my parent's house, some of her handmade cards in my apartment.  She was even a kickstarter donor for my film that I'm shooting now, and an occasional participant in some of my more heated facebook threads.

I didn't tell her this, but I'd been writing a sitcom pilot script that involves Brooklyn Jewish girls, both older in modern times, and going back in time to their teenage years (that's not the concept, but the setting).  I'd named one of the characters after her.  Her and my Grandmother's maiden name is also the last name of the main character in my movie.

This year will be the first year I don't get to see Florence at our yearly gatherings, but I'm so thankful for all of the years she already gave us - and for living her life to the fullest with kindness, creativity, gusto, and grace.

Rest in peace dear Florence.  Love to her wonderful children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren who are are also responsible for so many years of warm memories.

with her husband Milt

Florence on the top right, my Grandma Gertrude on the bottom left

 Florence on the left

Finishing her autobiography

Rest In Peace.

Tuesday, March 24, 2015

poor lil snoop bloggy blog

I haven't made time for you blog lately



yeehaw Inside You will shoot May 27 - June 16 in NYC

I'll leave you with some treasures:

- stuff the Pope said that was worthwhile

- cool women talkin bout babies

- Don't tell me what to do!  Don't try to change me in any way ---- yahhhahhhh ... don't tie me down 'cause i'd never stay ...whheeee ---- I'm free and I love to be free

- great article on Kimmy Schmidt

- my Male Feminists in da house!

Terry Crews is a real man

Aziz Ansari is da best

Andrew WK's advice is always next level Party riffic

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Wednesday, January 07, 2015

I got hacked!

My first site hacking omg.

It was by something called privacypost ?

I don't really understand.

Don't do that!

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Racist Jokes are important, and Privacy is even more so: The Sony Hacks

Why is it that when people work in film and television, people via social media, magazines, and gossip, are treated like they aren't human and don't have feelings and are open to being trashed, and their privacy has no value?  You guys LIKE movies and tv shows DON'T YOU?  

I think the SONY hack is a tremendous violation of privacy, and I'm certain that the victims of the hack are suffering from immeasurable anxiety and stress.  These people have families and lives and souls and it's the holidays for them too.  Where is your sympathy?  Is it hiding behind all of your judgement?!

Let's make a rule for all of the privacy hacks from this day on: WE DON'T JUDGE THE VICTIMS!  ONLY THE HACKERS.

Also - I don't believe those racist emails indicate that the people who sent them actually make decisions based on race when it actually counts.  Yes, they were racist JOKES.  They were NOT racist ACTIONS.  

I admire and respect Shonda Rhimes and her thoughts regarding the Sony Execs racist email leaks.  Shonda is right, these jokes are racist - but I also think that anybody who isn't a complete uptight waste of space makes racist jokes.

EVERYBODY of EVERY RACE does this.  And they usually do it privately, because they know it would be inappropriate.  Often times big famous popular comedians have race jokes in their act.  Because yes there IS a time and a place for them.

Here is an EXAMPLE of 2 Sarah Silverman jokes where the JOKE ITSELF is how inappropriate it is to say these things, and how obvious it is that the joke teller doesn't actually mean them:

There's mean spirited racist jokes - which any decent person doesn't like and has a right to complain about, and then there's a huge category of racist jokes that get a laugh BECAUSE they are so unacceptable and inappropriate - and everyone of every race makes these jokes.  It's IMPORTANT to make these jokes because that means we are AT LEAST CAPABLE OF TALKING ABOUT RACE!!!!

One of the biggest problems stunting the advancement of civil rights in the modern day world is a confusion, and often lack of ability to intelligently discus race.  If we can't joke about it - that won't help either.  Racist jokes are important and have a time and place in our society because jokes are important.

How dare people be so stupid that they take what was a private conversation - a forum where a racist joke is entirely acceptable, and judge it as though it was a public statement.  NO, if a Hollywood exec makes a private racist joke to another Hollywood exec, it DOES NOT MEAN that they are racist.

Suggesting that you ask Obama if "12 Years a Slave" or "Django" are his favorite movie is funny because it's wildly inappropriate and these Sony execs know they wouldn't ever do that in real life.

It doesn't show whatsoever that they are racist against Obama.  He's famously our first black President.  His blackness is important, relevant, and on people's minds.  To me, it seems racist when people are OVERLY sensitive, tiptoeing around black people - using terms like "African American" and being overtly, insincerely nice to black people instead of just regular and courteous as you would be to anybody.

You can't be so afraid of offending that you don't say anything.

As I go through life on my ever flaming feminist crusade - I am certainly sensitive to sexist remarks and comments BUT FUCK YES I need to have a sense of humor about it too.  There's a difference between the mean spirited jokes and the healthy ones.  There's a difference between public remarks and private ones.

It's healthy for our society to make jokes!  And not be beheaded for them!  And you are all guilty of making inappropriate PRIVATE remarks!!!

The more comfortable black and white people are with joking about and discussing race, the farther will we advance.  Sensitivity is important.  Over sensitivity is crippling.

How could Bill Cosby do what he has done?  He has both raped women and abused his power and the public's love of him, and broken a deeply moving and important movement.  Bill Cosby's contribution to entertainment and modern society was enormously influential.

Know this
--- he has already done his good work, and talented people have already built upon it.  Nobody can take that away.

Bill Cosby is a rapist, but black stories and entertainers belong on television, and there they will stay.

And now, I'll pass this off to Richard Pryor for the final words in this post.  Enjoy:

Monday, November 03, 2014

So we're judging 7 year olds now.

I read the Lena Dunham stuff.

Her sister stuffing pebbles in her lady parts certainly made me think, ouch, what?  Because at that age I certainly never poked around there and the middle hole was absolutely not open for business.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if the thing was sealed shut.  Inserting a tampon was dang near impossible at 13 (which I've heard is common) so I have no idea how anyone would shove pebbles in there as a little girl.  However, I'm not going to judge her for doing so.  And I'm not going to judge Lena for any of her weird curiosity and interest in her sister's sexuality either.


Because children are weird little perverts by design.  We don't really know anything about sex.  And we are curious about it.  

We may be taught not be mean, not to be violent, but messages about sex are confusing.

When I was little, there was a neighbor boy who stole porno mags from the dumpster behind the convenience store.  We might have been about 8 years old, I have no idea.  He used to show the magazines to me and other kids, and on 2 occasions we went outside and he asked me to pose like the girls in the magazines, which I did in my underwear, and on another occasion we decided to "have sex."

So me and the boy went in my closet, got naked, and stood next to each other in silence.  That was all we could figure out.

Then my mom found us and we were in trouble and it was incredibly embarrassing.

In 4th grade I found some VHS nudie movies and watched them and shared them with my friends.  And then I started drawing explicit images of people having sex  - imitating a lot of the hyper sexualized images that exist everywhere.  I actually remember emulating a ridiculously sexual looking woman in a comic book, as they are drawn that way.  My teacher found them and had a "talk with my parents" about it.  Thanks teach.

And when I was younger, no idea what age, I remember making Barbie and Ken engage in some hot and heavy activity and my sister calling me out on it.

You remember those moments vividly because embarrassment lasts.  It's tied in with confusion and fear, but also learning, and discovery.

Yep, Lena Dunham's story with her sister sounds pretty weird, but sex is weird, and so is being a kid.

Shut your crazy little mouth if you want to judge the sexual weirdness of a 7 year old.

I actually don't think you should judge children at all.

Discipline them, teach them sure - but judge?
Get your noses out of the celeb gossip and start remembering that being a human is complicated.
You friggin trolls, the whole lot of you!


I've been rethinking my feelings about this, since it was ADULT Lena that chose to write about her sister's sexuality in this way, and unless the sister consented to that, something does feel wrong about it.  I would hope that she did and that she hasn't scarred her.  Uffff.  

Why Lena why would you share that?  What do you like about these memories?

The Unexpected Fitness Enthusiast Tells You How to Fitness

I was last picked in gym class and when I joined New York Sports Club in 2004, I quit 1 month later telling the sales guy "Sorry, it's boring and I just don't hate my body that much."

I didn't get it.  And I didn't enjoy exercise either.

Now at 33 I F'ING LOVE WORKING OUT SO MUCH.  It started at 31 when I tried Cardio Barre in LA for the first time, which is amazing - fun, total body workout, made my body feel feminine and move gracefully.  I searched for Cardio Barre or similar workouts in NYC and that's when I started trying new things I thought I'd never try.  

AND THEN CLASSPASS came into my life and changed everything!  Classpass is an affordable monthly membership where I try all kinds of fancy workout classes, so I mix up my workout and have tried just about every exercise class in NYC.  It's not often that one company's service changes my life like this one has.  This isn't a paid advertisement.  It's a raving review.

Here are my favorite classes:


Barre uses Ballet movements plus pilates and general strength training/aerobics.  Some classes focus more on strengthening movements with less ballet, some have more ballet and more cardio (that's my preference).

1. Xtend Barre - Brooklyn Heights.  I LOVE XTEND BARRE.  It's the closest thing to Cardio Barre I've found.  A beautiful studio with friendly staff, plus they provide towels.  There's cardio plus a lot of wonderful ballet movements.

2. Ballet Bungee - Chaise Fitness (Flatiron and UES) - negatives are that it's always booked and it's 45 mins vs an hour.  But I love the ballet movements and cardio in the workout, plus instead of a barre they use bungee hoops which incorporates balance in the workout.  They have a water fountain and towels.  No showers.

3. These are all tied for 3rd place: Fly Barre, Core Fusion Barre at Exhale, Barre at Chelsea Mind Body Studio, Local Barre - Hoboken; all 4 are great places but I wish they had more classical ballet movements and more cardio

Fly Barre - Flatiron and Lincoln Center: free water, towels, and showers, Fun music, great classes, great all over workout, high quality class and studio, some cardio in there; negative is assigned mats, they have a great dancy cardio w weights section with simple, easy to learn moves, I like that you can go barefoot and dont need the grippy socks

Core Fusion Barre - Exhale (many locations): some locations of Exhale have fancy facilities with a spa, some locations have more space than others too.  High quality classes and instruction, I love Core Fusion Sweat Barre which has more cardio

Barre at Chelsea Mind Body Studio - nice space, water, towels provided, no shower, large space, Total Barre and Sweat Barre are both great choices, solid teachers, always a good class, variety in instruction based on the teacher

Local Barre - Hoboken - beautiful space, love their ball shaped hand weights, overall great classes, whenever I'm in NJ I try to take a class here, they have towels and water, no shower

4. Pure Barre, Physique 57, Zalla Pilates - These are all perfectly good workouts, just based on my personal preferences they aren't ranked higher.  These classes focus more on strengthening movements and have less cardio and classical ballet.  Each class is different.  I really wish Pure Barre had a water fountain and provided towels.  Physique 57 has a fancy space and uppity vibe.  Zalla Pilates is small and personal with a great Greenpoint location, but I visit them less since they aren't part of Classpass.

I go to Pure Barre a lot because they have a great schedule with many classes and a convenient location for me in Williamsburg (they are all over).  It is a solid workout and I like the teachers so I feel bad ranking it lower - but here's what they'd need to get more love: water fountain, towels, and more cardio and classic ballet movements.

-- KM Barre - Fit + Flow Yoga - Williamsburg - I like the teachers there but I don't love the method. It goes against what a lot of other classes teach as far as tucking and posture and movement, and I feel I spend so much time on form, and I spend a lot of time confused.  Maybe their movements are better than other methods but I just can't tell.  This workout might be the perfect fit for someone else's preferences.  It's a convenient Williamsburg location with nice lighting.


There are many classes with different names that are 1 hour long, where your instructor guides you through a sequence of moves that strengthen each area of your body with weights or using your own body or bands, plus some cardio and tabata style movies.  I've learned to LOVE these classes, they are real, serious, total body workouts.  The key is finding a cool instructor who's fun and plays good music.

1. Geneva Simms - Cardio Circuit at Sync Studio Williamsburg, or a variety of classes at The Living Room Brooklyn; Geneva was my favorite right away, she plays great music and her energy is awesome.  I trust her exercises and enjoy how she changes it up.  She challenges me and also is understanding and flexible if something doesn't feel right so you can feel comfortable even if you aren't good at something ... yet.  You'll get there and have fun doing it.

2. Ania W - Body Sculpt - Awakening NY in Greenpoint - Ania is such a badass.  Greenpoint is a traditionally Polish neighborhood and many of Awakening's instructors are Polish like Ania, which makes her seem tougher in a good way.  She's also the fittest looking instructor I've ever had and her class is one of the hardest classes I've taken.  She pushes you to try heavier weights and do intense moves like burpees, but she's understanding if you can't do certain things so don't be intimidated.  It's always rewarding when I know I can keep up with her class.  She likes rock n roll and you'll catch some Metallica or similar in her music mix.

3. Shayla McGrady - P90X - Breakin Boundaries Greenpoint (recently moved to a new location!  will update with more info)
Shayla reminds me of Michelle Obama and she's gotten the comparison many times.  It's not just her looks though, there's something very calm about her which I like when she instructs.  She carefully calculates each movement and the timing, and there's enough variety in both the exercises and music that keeps me coming back.  Great total body workout.

4. Erica Robertello - The Living Room Brooklyn - really smart and fun, all of her classes are highly recommended and I trust her knowledge and expertise
Mindy - Breakin Down - Breakin Boundaries Greenpoint - just recently discovered her, a lot of intense cardio, I really broke a sweat
PNT Fitness - Awesome Arms and Butts and Gutts (I wish these were 1 single class instead of 2 half hour classes, I would go more often if that was the case)


Pilates - I love Flesh and Bone Studios in Williamsburg,  Monica's Pilates classes at Awakening NY are also hugely popular and very different I think.  Monica's classes have more strengthening involved.  Flesh and Bone leaves me stretched and rejuvenated and it's a special treat when you use their machines.  A friend recommended I do Pilates once a week because it's good for my body AND it helps lengthen you so you are actually taller - well, my height has gotten slightly taller, and it does feel like I'm reorganizing my body and setting everything right as it should be.

Dancy classes - there's a ton of really hard classes that infuse dance movements into the class.  I tried these for a while but don't take them anymore.  I'm not very coordinated or good at learning dance moves (don't get me wrong, I love to dance in my own way, but just can't learn a damn dance and feel stupid doing it)  If that's not a problem for you here's some amazing classes that infuse dance with aerobic strength training and sometimes barre:   AKT, Body by Simone, Hip Hop Aerobics (various locations - Davon Chance is a really awesome and fun instructor), Viva Bodyroll, Body Conceptions by Mahri (their dance moves aren't as hard for me as the others)
Many of these are "disciples" of Tracy Anderson - who charges $900 a month or some crazy ish like that.

Yoga, kickboxing, and Cycle classes - I'm just not into it, so I haven't tried many. Lots of folks swear by these things.

-- At McCarren Park there's some great boot camp classes like Traditional Tribal Fitness.  That's the only class I take that seems to have more men in it.  It's nice to work out outside and Kiki is truly awesome.  I just don't take it as often because I find the movements are not as targeted to the female body as some other classes I like.

-- Brooklyn Bodyburn is the only class I truly hate.  It seems unsafe, I feel no happiness or pleasure during the workout, and I feel like I'm going to hurt myself.  Plus there's no stretching!


2 more tips:  Stretching matters, so it and enjoy it instead of rushing away.  Eating: eat something about an hour to half hour before working out, and have protein at least 20 minutes after a workout.  I like yogurt and I read labels to get a higher protein to sugar ratio.


Long story short I LOVE WORKING OUT.  I've found a place for it in my life and you'll most often find me walking the streets in my workout clothes and sneaks these days.  

It's great for my health and I know that.  I love the way my body can move now and how strong I am.  It's brought a great deal of happiness to my life.  I'm deeply grateful that classpass exists as well as all of my wonderful instructors.

Monday, October 13, 2014

I don't think you're a bad person for looking at the naked pictures of Jennifer Lawrence.

I see a link that says see Jennifer Lawrence's hacked leaked photos and I look for many reasons:  is this real? I am curious.  what's this like? what's this about?  this is weird.  did this really happen?  It's something that never happened before.

You look at naked J Lawr, and you looked at footage of the twin towers burning on 9-11 too.
You didn't hack those photos, and you didn't fly a plane into that tower either.
Of course it's not the same, but what is the same is the experience of viewing versus doing.

Technology impacts life faster than our ability to develop a firm moral compass around it.

Celeb photos being stolen from a cloud is weird for all of us.
It's weird that there's a cloud.

What would make you a disgusting person is if you JUDGED the photos.  Because judging does imply ownership or entitlement.  If you judged her body, if you judged her for taking the photos, I'd say you need to check yourself, fool.

Life hurls us through time and sometimes life is simple and boring and orderly, but more often is chaotic and strange and unpredictable.  We act and react.  Someone gives us technology so we can take pictures, and then we discover we can take pictures of butts and vaginas and boobs.  And then we do that.  WE'RE ALL NEW AT FIGURING OUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF TECHNOLOGY.  Don't hate, haters. 

We touch stoves, we try things.  Have some empathy for cryin out loud!

I think it's ok to look.  
But to be a dick about it is another story.

Wednesday, October 01, 2014

Inside You Update - Something Happened Yesterday.

Yesterday, I lost my shoot!  We turned the truck around on it's way to check out the equipment because (long story short) we lost a lead cast member due to an emergency, without enough time to re-cast, and pushing the shoot even 1 day, we'd start losing locations, crew, cast and schedule.

Yes, I did cry and feel horrible weird stress throughout my body and spine.  But I got to the other side of it.  Because hell, what can you do?  I have felt like a failure before but I don't now.

We have done SO MUCH WORK to get this far, and strangely enough my first and foremost feeling this morning is gratitude and love.

Weird, right?

I never expected this - but the reason is - getting THIS FAR with the movie - I needed the support of SO many people, and my family along the way.  People have come out for the film in HUGE ways, and it makes me feel great.  This experience has shown me that people do believe in me and this movie, and I never knew it quite like this before!  Self doubt can be crippling as an artist, and people don't often have the reason to show their support - but this movie gave people that opportunity (and I'll still very much need it moving forward!).

I feel deeply motivated, strengthened and inspired to put even more heart and elbow grease into this movie.

We pushed the shoot to March 2015.  Do I like being in this position?  Not at first, but here I am - I better get used to it.  
This is not the worst.  I'm making a movie and that is COOL, dudes!

A vision of the future:

My mom and dad bought me this fancy chair!  Nola Slates made me this BEAUTIFUL (and reasonably priced) Custom Slate!  THAT CHAIR WILL BE SAT IN and THAT SLATE WILL BE CLAPPED!!!  MARCH 2015 FTW

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Suicide: the big WHY

Robin Williams' death is affecting me more than I ever expected, and now I want to try and examine WHY for the sake of understanding. I believe that the reason a person wants to die is that living feels meaningless, and they are unable to connect to meaning.

There’s also pain and sadness involved. But I think the feeling of despair caused by meaninglessness is the primary thing going through a suicidal person’s head.

How can Robin Williams feel meaninglessness?  His career and work meant a lot to people, he was loved, he had children and loved ones.  He was both creatively successful, and successful in traditional measurements, and had people in his life that mattered to him and that he mattered to.

Usually despair comes from a lack of these things. (At least for me.)

Perhaps his existence as incredibly famous, especially as a funny person who makes people feel amazing - was also incredibly alienating and lonely.  He couldn’t relate to most people or identify with them.  He had an expectation of who he was supposed to be and how he was supposed to act.  He was not SUPPOSED to be depressed.

Perhaps he was driven mad by the fact that he couldn’t make himself feel the way he made others feel. Maybe it was the suffering in the middle east.  Maybe it was tension at home, or an inability to love or be loved as he desired.  A disconnect.  Maybe he felt powerless and unable to change or feel.  If he was able to make people laugh so easily - why didn’t it work for him, when he was alone?  I can only imagine this was maddening.  And so his great power, his gift, the world’s wonderful gift of laughter - felt empty, shallow, pointless.

His happiness was fleeting.  It left him.  He wanted to escape.

He escaped all his life.
In his performance, and in a bottle.

It was ultimately just too much.

Can you imagine what it feels like to have everything at your fingertips that SHOULD make you happy - but it’s not working?  What if you had money, freedom, loved ones, influence, fame, and appreciation AND STILL you couldn’t FEEL right?!  Can you imagine that?  I am certain that it’s not the case of him not appreciating it.  I am certain that he felt even guilty, like absolute shit, for not being able to feel good, perhaps not being able to truly feel anything at all, in spite of all of his fortune.  That’s the disease of depression.


Killing yourself is sad, but I don’t think it’s evil.  It’s something else.

The truth is, it’s a choice, as it’s a choice to stay alive, which some philosophers refer to as “the existential absurdity.”

I wonder about the sex slave’s will to live.  
I wonder about the severely impoverished and diseased people’s will to live.

Why would they stay alive?  Their life is misery and torture.

Maybe it’s not.  Maybe it’s why the caged bird sings.  

we only know darkness because we know light
we also know that we all wanted Robin to live

I think we all identify with Robin now more than ever


One of the most remarkable songs about survival in the face of trauma is Tori Amos’ “Me And A Gun” which recounts her thoughts during and after surviving rape.

The refrain is “but I haven’t seen Barbados, so I must get out of this.”
And that’s the tiny voice that Robin Williams couldn’t hear inside his own mind, the cry of survival.  The will to live.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I was a class clown.

This meant mischief, pranks, and being a big mouth. But it was always for the sake of fun. I wasn't a mean clown.

I will NEVER forget one day in a high school class when a kid named Ben, a nice but opinionated boy who played soccer, who I also never had conflict with nor too much interaction with other than casual friendliness - RAILED against me in the middle of the class. The teacher wasn't in the same part of the room when this happened so he didn't hear it.

I don't remember the specifics of what was said - but I remember that I could not figure out WHY he was saying it.
I know this:
I made a joke.
Ben tore me down in front of the room, going off on me for being a clown, yelling at me as though it was impossible to hurt my feelings - as though I didn't have any,
I remember the shock and surprise that anyone could possibly think that
I remember yelling back "how can you say that! how can you think I can't be insulted! how can you think I don't have feelings?! Stop!"

And I remember him being smug and suggesting that I don't have feelings - because I'm such a loudmouth, because I'm always making jokes.

I can't remember the words.
But I'll never forget learning that.

He thought I deserved to be taken down.

In my life, at times, I've encountered difficult people who have the perception that I can take everything that's thrown at me. I can't.

Putting yourself out there can be an invitation for others to hurt you - but it shouldn't be. We shouldn't rape people for wearing sexy clothes. We shouldn't yell at people for speaking their mind (let's exclude hate speech). We shouldn't suffocate celebrities with unrelenting paparazzi and gossip reporting.

Robin Williams' death is a reminder to all people that every living person should not ever be objectified. He's a human being beyond what you knew of him. We all just learned that our extroverted clown was sad, felt pain, and didn't want to live.

Every person you encounter has a private soul.

The comedian's desire to make people laugh is a compulsion.

When you know you can, you feed it, and it feeds you.
But it cannot be found when the comedian is alone.  

It thrives on you, on others being there.  Your presence gives permission for the comedian to escape into you.  Your presence is the ignition of the flame.  You can really feel it when the fire is out, and it takes a lot to feel good while extinguished.

And that's part of why it's hard to be alone as a comedian.
But it's so very possible.

If you can accept and embrace your life's circumstance.
Without having to lie to yourself about it.
While knowing you're trying your best because you are.
And that's certainly universally true.

People often say comedy and standup comedy is hard.
But when you are born with that compulsion, the difficulty of it feels irrelevant.  It doesn't feel entirely like a choice, it feels partly like an obligation.  Ambitions are often admired but one quality of ambition is that it's just there - you don't know how it got there.  You were born with it. You don't know why or how other people don't have it but you know it's ok that they don't because people are different and that's good.

There's a million manifestations of ambition and talent, and those born with those things know that they have this extra hunger.  This extra obligation to something they can't explain.

Why did Robin Williams need to make us laugh and act so silly while he was suffering inside?
Because he couldn't help it.  He was born with that hunger.  With his natural impulses.  

And when he was alone, he had to face his pain.  His best medicine could not be found.
He loved you as much as you loved him.  He didn't do this because he wanted to hurt you.  I don't know him, but I know this.