Friday, July 30, 2004

Oh yeah

And oh yeah, so my family planned a week down the shore this past spring, and we picked a week so that Brian can come too. And he's not coming of course, and of course my friends could come if it's a different week- but we planned it so that Brian could come with us- so if anyone wants to come there's a spot open on the weekdays Aug 16-20 and possibly the weekends too. Email me or hit me up with a comment about it- Heather.

Good Morning.

I woke up this morning and out of nowhere my neck was all fucked up. This past December I fucked up my neck like this for the first time in my life. It's so bad that I can hardly get up, the strain on my neck from the motion of sitting up is fucking unbearable. And when I lie down I can't fucking move my head or adjust myself. Last time this happened, Brian was there. He would hold my neck for me so that I could at least sit up or get up. Now it's a process. I can't fucking turn my head or anything. God- so now I wake up in the morning, my heart physically hurts, my stomach hurts, and now my neck can't move. And of course when I feel this pain, it reminds me of when I felt it last, and it reminds me of him being there, and the pain screams to me that he is gone.

I seriously can't fucking handle all of this. Waking up in the morning and facing my life is the worst part of my day. After I have been up a few hours, things are ok because I have no choice but to accept that this is my life. And god, I know things can be worse, and that other kinds of bad things happen, but as my last boss said to me (we talked on a personal level), "Heather, this is about as bad as it can be for someone at this age in life". It's really really hard not to get down right now. I have certain things that are my MO in my daily life. For example, I try to live by a rule that just because the world is bad or people are fucked up, it doesn't mean I should be bad to anyone. I am very "turn the other cheek". I have a sense of what right and wrong is, and I don't let myself do the wrong thing- at least not if I know better.

And I applied myself- tried to reach for some high goals- I really want to strive for and work to be not only the best that I can be, but stretch myself farther than I think I can go. And I tried to do law school, something that countless assholes have accomplished.   And not only could I not fucking do that, but I missed the boat by a thread. I really did learn the stuff. I really did do ok. I looked at my report card last weekend and it's really astonishing. It has nothing but C's and one B on it- and I get no damn second chance. I didn't do that terribly. But here I am, a dream chased, time spent, and 30,000 dollars later, starting at the bottom, not using my brain. Not thinking, not stretching myself. On a slow, patient road of entry level jobs and directionless effort. It's a lot to stomach that I had my chance at a life dream of mine, went for it, and wasn't good enough. I failed without actually failing.

And I was faithful to Brian, treated him with endless respect and love and support even when he was being a total fucking asshole. I patiently endured his own issues and the difficulty of us both being in law school. I would've taken a bullet for this self-centered idealistic cold peice of shit. And he can't even do anything at all for me. He rationalizes and makes sense of what has happened as if it was all meant to be. He thinks that this is just how it happens, and it's just life. Like when he was tempted by the 19 year old it's some sign that this is the next move he needs to make. He is so stupid he can't even see that things happen because of your actions. This relationship died because of his actions, because of his disconnect from the reality of relationships- his only knowledge of people comes from movies and the warped musings of his antisocial self. It died because he was incapable of communicating with me, or acknowleging his emotions, which is necessary of people at any level. He says- well I know people who love eachother for years and don't have rough spots. Well I will guarantee that they have their rough spots, and when it calls for it, these people who are in love communicate and work out their problems. He seems to think that if there's problems in a relationship, or that things don't feel quite right for him, there's just nothing to be done about it. It is what it is, and it needs to be dropped. He acts as though life is some thing, and all the things you do "just happen" but it isn't that way. Everything that has happened with us is a result of something he decided to do or not to do. He fucked this up. He fucked me over. He rationalized the situation for the sake of satisfying some juvenille urge to indulge in this 19 year old, and also largely because he is to lazy to take the effort to improve our situation regardless of the fact that it has endless potential to improve.

And there were times when he seemed incapable of saying anything nice or positive to me. I have never looked at myself in a worse light or hated myself more. I remember there was one other time in my life when I had decided I had had enough of it all and all of the bullshit, and that despite my best efforts, the world was cold and my participation would make no difference. This was in eighth grade. That time was a time where my wide eyed young self had seen the world through adult eyes for the first time and didn't like what she saw. A large part of it is dissatisfaction with the cruelty of others. I guess I care a lot about other people, strangers, friends, anyone. I have a hard time accepting that other people don't give a fuck about people, and are capable of willingly being the source of someone else's pain. Something I hope to avoid at all costs. And maybe its boys. I just don't have a desire to lie to boys or cheat on boys, or degrade them. I mean I don't want to be with or marry every guy, but I don't want to use them or fuck them over either. In eighth grade I had my first experiences with boys and I just found it so amazing how easily boys will fuck you over, and that I am someohow naive and should expect to be fucked over. It doesn't leave much to look forward to.

I am really having a hard time stomaching that I can love someone and treat them well, and devote every hour of myself to this person and have them in my life for a year, and they can happily fucking dispose of me forever and instantly for some fleeting uninformed idea and some youthful dumb crush. Something that meant so much to me, and was under the impression that we had something real- how could I not, he wanted to move in with me as much as I wanted to move in with him- this something is now dead. And it was killed with a phone call from miles away.

How do I accept the explanationless arbitrary nature of these things? When people invest their heart and labor in something- anything- they do it because there is some expectation that this labor will cultivate something beneficial for them. With law school- I can't even get any of the credits I worked for- even the B. With Brian, I am left with less than nothing.

And I have always been able to see the bright side of things and the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't see anything right now. The things I care about and desire in life seem so pointless to me at this point. And the fact that I can invest myself in something and have it arbitrarily ripped away makes me afraid to start up and start over new. And I am caught in the classic existential absurdity of life- known as the moment when the pointlessness of life becomes so vivid and obvious, yet for some unexplainable reason- some kind of "faith"- the biggest asshole idea of all- you just go on living anyway. I am a Kafka cockroach.

And what's fucking worse is I hate hearing myself say these things and feel this way- but I feel so fucking alienated from myself I just don't know where the hell I am. I am truly lost, clueless, losing hope, and pathetically enough- giving up little by little each day. I miss who I thought I was. But I can't find a shred of me anywhere.

I am banking on time to be my savior. If time heals all wounds, I imagine it's going to take a lot of time this time around. And the menaces who cut me so deeply- Brian and Seton Hall Law School (aka "the system"?) are just such fucking peices of shit it's fucked up that they have this power to rip my heart right out.

But as every cell in my body tells me to drown in all of this and bury myself and hide, there is some sweet thing I am ironically thankful for dragging me out into the world every morning.

Maybe I just need to shut the fuck up and have a beer and some nachos.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

I'd like to order a fistful of Europeans. Comment allez-vous?

Image courtesy of this website: Restaurants are no place for children
Highlights from the site include "The table behind has a wailing toddler who is upset that his complimentary blue crayon snapped in two. "We'll get you another one, honey," coos the dingbat mother, trying to placate the horrid beast. Why would anyone do such a thing? "Shut up, you cretin!" is the proper response to such a display."

And last night I hung out with some lovely company, people I know mainly via Bernard- future Presidential or Senate candidate, and Shayna, designer extraordinaire. Shayna and I will soon be selling some of the lovely T-Shirts she designed on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon in Union Square. I think that will be fun.

Some of Shayna's work.

And I think I need a rubdown. Perhaps I will treat myself to a salon- my back kills me- I don't know why, and of course the daily morning dry heaving leaves me a bit "off" in the morning.

Gimmie some of that action!

And I was entertained on this morning's walk to work by an Emergency crew that had showed up on Bedford where something had somehow fallen out of the sky and smashed stuff.  I saw a bike all smashed up in the street and some tar all over, and these big black cylindrical things.  No idea what happened, but there were hot cops, looked like actors, and there was smashing. 

And Jeff Corwin is a dreamboat. I want one.

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

It tastes like Burning.

So I put my finger on exactly what I feel like every day. You know the scene in Fight Club where Brad Pitt pours lye onto Norton's hand- And there's the burning and the scar? At night before I go to sleep I feel that burning right on my heart, and then when I wake up I feel that burning in my stomach. Like the lye has been poured straight on. And then I walk around detached because I can't seperate myself from the feeling I felt the night before. I do things, I think things, I say things, but I know my mind is truly somewhere else. I wish a prescription drug would cater to me. Do you feel like burning? When you sleep at night does your heart feel like it is bleeding and mutilated? When then try Xinophilpropyl. It will make you a happy thing and you will feel no pain. Side effects include the desintigration of the lining of your skin.


I'd like to learn how to take a punch like this man.

Sin City

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Um, Dating? What?

Yeah, so I have never "dated" before. I always wound up going out with a guy that I liked and knew somehow or whatever. I am doing the first of a few dates I have set up tomorrow. What the hell do I do? I don't even like the idea of dating- but I am very why the fuck not about it. I mean, I am going out tomorrow with a group, not just the guy, so that should make it better. I just don't expect anything. I mean if I like him that's cool.

And I am really not old fashioned, but it's starting to bore me. Who pays? I always liked to split things but as I get older I start to think fuck it, you are taking my time, you pay. But this guy seems really nice so I don't approach it that way. Money makes me so uncomfortable. I think I sometimes want to pay for stuff so it isn't even a question. My two serious boyfriends were cheap and lazy and didn't get me anything accept for the essential holiday gifts. The guys I have dated non seriously in the past have been payers. I am torn. And other stuff. I mean what it comes down to is that I don't care who pays, but what to do at the time the check comes out? Isn't it supposed to have meanings what you do? I mean I don't care about money- but should I just let it slide and let him pick it up? This is just an example to me of how I don't know what the hell to expect.

Who knows, maybe I will enjoy the experience. It just sucks for whoever dates me cause I am still madly in love with someone else and have NO closure! But I think that sucks for me more than anyone.

I really like Putty from Seinfeld.

Pretty little internet

So I was looking at fun stuff on the net, getting very into imdb and stuff like that (why yes I do have some downtime at work and a fast internet connection), and I was looking at directors. Vincent Gallo didn't direct Jay Z's latest video- it was Mark Romanek, who has a really cool website and a great links list chock full o neat stuff, from which I found the above graphic. (the best links ever- including Roger Avery's blog.  How cool)
He's directed tons of videos, take a look at the page of stuff he's done. And I looked at David LaChappelle's stuff too. Don't ask why. But he puts lots of boobies in all his stuff. Here's his stuff:
dave's site but it's cool looking.

And the more I think about it the more I am infatuated with Vincent Gallo, as stupid of a celebrity that he may be at times, he's insanely sexy I think. I am looking forward to seeing the scene in "Brown Bunny" where Chloe Sevigny and Vincent engage in some fellating. Woo hoo for that.

Morning Walky Poo

Highlight of the morning walk:

I scratch an itch on the bottom of my bottom and turn behind me to see who has seen my scratching, and there's a man who looks like an unattractive Vincent Gallo behind me walking with ferocity. He is saying firmly but quietly as he marches down West Houston "Fuck you. Oh fuck you you are an asshole. You fuck, fuck you . . ." not to me particularly, to everyone. And we walk past a church and he hawks a fat loogy on a Virgin Mary Statue and then another one on a statute of a priest, following with "Fuck you". And then soon after I see a homeless fat man in a wheelchair rolling himself down the middle of West Houston, a 3 lane busy street. Oh yeah, and there was a man with Down Syndrome in Pink Suit with the most cheerful disposition talking to his trash can. But he seemed happiest of all the characters I passed on my walk. Brilliant, as my man Huey G would say.

Oh yes and lets congratulate me. First morning in weeks without vomiting. Oh joy. And in last night's dream I wasn't with Brian anymore for the first time. Instead I dreamt that we were in the law school and in the center of the building was a series of big escalators and I saw him and tried to talk to him and he pushed me down them. And then later there were lots of people and he started a fight with some Stone Cold Steve Austin look alike and got his ass beat. And I kind of followed him through the building and then he was hooking up with all these slutty girls. And then later on in the dream I had me some sex with this hot guy I know and haven't talked to in a while. Perhaps I should call him cause he was really good. Not that I shall be shacking up any time soon, I don't think. On the one hand I hate all men to a certain extent and on the other hand I haven't gotten any since May. Fuck him! And it's been about a year and a half since I had me a male model. I like those.

And speaking of Vincent Gallo, I have always found him extremely hot, even though he is also very spooky, but I like Trent Reznor too. What do you think? He's got this moive "Brown Bunny" coming to the US in August, and Ebert said it was the worst thing ever made, but I saw "Buffalo 66" and loved it very much. And he also directed Jay Z's latest video which I think kicks ass. He's in the video for a second too.
Here he is
Do you like?

Monday, July 26, 2004

Lovely Afternoon

God damn is it a beautiful day. Feels about high 70s- low 80s, sunny, warm, not humid. Just plain pleasant. And it's nearly unbearable how pretty SoHo is. I never spent enough time down here.

And MoveOn and DNC put out a kick ass CD to raise money for Kerry in 2004.

Track Listing:

OK Go : This Will Be Our Year
David Byrne : Ain't Got So Far To Go
Jimmy Eat World : Game of Pricks (BBC evening session)
Death Cab For Cutie : This Temporary Life
Blink-182 : I Miss You (James Guthrie mix)
Mike Doughty : Move On
Ben Kweller : Jerry Falwell Destroyed Earth
Sleater-Kinney : Off With Your Head
R.E.M. : Final Straw (MoveOn mix)
Bright Eyes : Going for the Gold (live)
The Long Winters : The Commander Thinks Aloud (future mix) of The Black Eyed Peas : Money
They Might Be Giants : Tippecanoe And Tyler Too
Clem Snide : The Ballad of David Icke
Yeah Yeah Yeahs : Date With the Night (live)
Fountains of Wayne : Everything's Ruined (acoustic)
Nada Surf : Your Legs Grow
The Flaming Lips : Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (live on the BBC)
Old 97's : Northern Line
Laura Cantrell : Sam Stone
Tom Waits : Day After Tomorrow
Elliott Smith : A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free

Buy it here:

Kicks ass doesn't it now?

Right now I am in the mood for a cowboy. An urban cowboy, not Travolta, but maybe that guy from Joe Millionaire 2, in Manhattan, thus urbanizing him.

Oh yes, and a little snippet from the internet- Squirrels defined as:
"furry little bitches that come at me when I try to get the paper"

See you in Hell . . .

So Route 7 that connects Route 280 to where Hoboken is is flooded after Friday's fat rains. As I traveled back to Hoboken Sunday evening, to avoid the flooded road, I took the Turnpike. The freakin turnpike had a 45 minute wait into the Holland Tunnel - which is where you have to go to get to Hoboken. And it was one of those hot, muggy, weird twilight times of day. And I swear to god, as I sat there in bumper to bumper traffic, there were two airliners flying extremely close to each other and it looked like they were going to crash into the Goldman Sachs Building- Jersey's tallest, in Jersey City. I don't like this feeling. I didn't like seeing it and I don't know why they were flying like that. It reminded me of the first time the planes started flying over DC again after September 11. Every time I looked up and saw one I just felt like something was terribly wrong.

Sitting there a tremendous sense of how much has changed in so little time came over me. First it's the world. The changed meaning of seeing an airplane in the sky. But earlier this day I visited my sister's new house for the first time. Much like it was weird a few years ago to see my dad walk my sister down the aisle, I could not believe that I was pulling into the driveway of a house, and my sister and her husband's cars were parked in the driveway. It's weirder too cause its a house across the street from my best friend Kim. This house she is in is the American Dream. It's modest, but wonderful, and it's got a pool too. I can't imagine wanting more. I think I would be very satisfied with such a house even if I was super duper rich. And my one cousin just had a baby. For so long we were the babies- the young ones sitting at the kids table on Thanksgiving . . . And my Uncle Wim (in Holland) is retiring, and my Aunt Ellie and her husband closed down their lifelong business as Shoemakers (also in Holland)- and the whole town there considers it the end of an era. It's so strange to watch my parents and their siblings enter "the elderly" stage of life. Settling down and beginning the last march of life- not that my parents are retiring any time soon- we are the workaholic type.

And the day has come that I will not take out any loans. I will start paying off what I have done. I have no more studying to do. School is over. I am working a full-time job. I am 23 and single in New York City. Look at me now. And yet I spent much of my weekend revisiting high school. I broke out some boxes of old clothes and put on some of my favorites I just couldn't throw out. I went to the mall and shopped amongst 16 year olds at Pacific Sunwear and bought myself some Paris Hilton pants- I like them very much. I opened up this "event journal" I had in High School. I would write in there all of the cool stuff and parties that happened- the good high lights. Kind of like an old fashioned blog. I didn't tell secrets in there- I just recapped the fun stuff. I kept my old ticket stubs and some old notes passed. I have an old list of the boys I hooked up with in high school. It's immensely entertaining. And holy shit did I throw a great party in 97. Anyone reading this- do you remember that party? God it's just great reading through the Warped Tours, punk shows, crazy road trips, shore trips, and weird ass summer nights.

And there is something I am very fortunate for. I can look back and say, yes, I loved high school (of course I hated stuff also), and I really enjoyed my childhood. There's tragic shit packed in there too of course, but I am happy with what's happened so far. I am glad to live this life.

It's just harder looking at the future right now. I was with someone who I thought made every little thing better. And after tasting that it just makes every thing less good than I think it can be. Maybe it's because I have been waiting here so faithfully for him to come back as he never has. I haven't kissed anybody or gotten near anyone since May when he was here. And I can't say that I want to touch any body else right now- which I am sure won't be true when I am drunk enough. But still . . . I don't look forward to getting wasted and hooking up with losers. I just think that some local celebrity should bump into me on the street and ask me out. If I can just hold out for Hugh Grant, I think it could happen. Or maybe Hal Sparks. I am slowly falling for him on I love the 90s. He's straight- right??? Hmm, and Justin Timberlake is single now. He seems like he would be good in bed. My two favorites, Johnny Depp and Colin Ferrel are no good cause Colin is too slutty and I don't think I want to risk my health for a night with him. And Depp is married and I am not a nasty ho bitch. Well I am a nasty ho bitch, but I don't break up relationships . . . at least not after that one time when I was 15 . . .

And something I am not sure to come to grips with is the fact that I am relating to Avril Lavigne. I don't think I should, but she has this new song. Here's the lyrics:
So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

A picture I took on my recent vacation to hell.

Saturday, July 24, 2004


I don't care what anybody says.  I love Balls! 

Good morning world! I got me some balls!

Friday, July 23, 2004

If I wanted to be on a roller coaster, I'd have gone to Dorney Park, Thank you.

Dammit, it's just all unplanned ups and downs. I was feeling up, sort of positive, able to move on. But then all of the sudden thoughts overwhelmed me and built up into a strong mess of feelings I couldn't ignore. Every little thing is part of a peice of a memory of something we did that I enjoyed doing with him. I walked past one of those hot nuts vendors, and I remember the first and only ever time I tried them, we got them together outside of the Barnes and Noble outside Lincoln Center and hung out there before going to see a movie next door.

I miss him when I think back I think about his calm and peaceful manner that toned my excitable side. It's funny- I always thought of myself as kind of obnoxious and loud, but my last boss told me he enjoyed how peaceful and collected I was. He said he liked how I would sit in the office, to myself, and patiently do whatever I needed to do, and then when it was just him and I, I would tell him all kinds of things. But he said he liked how quiet and calm I was when I was working. I guess quietness can be soothing. I liked doing things with Brian because I thought he appreciated certain odd things in the same way. I liked when he was quiet, but I could see that he was enjoying himself. I liked that he had responses, but when he shared them he would only share his most favorite thought about them rather than the whole thing.

It makes me so sad that we never had a summer together. It was always law school, so miserable, so time consuming. I wish we had a vacation, or a week with no time commitments to anyone- nothing we had to go to. Just time to spend and relax away from everyone- away from our parents and friends. I hate that he shares his summer with a new girl. Something I just never had.

It's so painful that what was done can't be undone. But I am honestly afraid that I could never be happy with another person again, and the only happiness I have to look forward to would be generated by me alone, by myself. Knowing that in spite of our differences and the things I didn't like about him- I still enjoyed doing everything with him, boring or exciting- makes me sad because I think I will have less of a happy life without him- and it has to be true to some extent. I enjoy doing almost everything more if he is there. From eating to sleeping to doing some activity. And it's never going to happen again.

And what hurts the most at this time is the thought that while I was loving every experience that we shared, that he wasn't loving it. That the moments I look back at as happy in his mind weren't enough for him. That all he remembers are the low times, the times when we went through stress, and when we had just been around eachother too much non stop and being together wasn't exciting any more.

Ok, I gotta go. I guess I am going out tonight, but I honestly wouldn't mind staying in and being alone. Big Party tommorrow night though. I better fucking have a good time and not be a sour puss. Maybe all I need is a nap.

A picture of me pretending to enjoy myself at a bar last weekend . . .
nice company though.

Celeb World

Oh yeah, so it is the norm to see celebs around town in these here parts of Manhattan. I saw my first since working here yesterday on the street.. It was this guy:

"CT" from the Real World Paris- the weird one who likes punching. He looked really hot, like hotter than on TV. Most celebs look less hot in person, like Edward Norton who looks kinda gay and Paul Rudd who looks kinda chubby.

And I was looking through some contact info for different companies while at work. The contact names at Tarantino's company are Mr. White and Mr. Brown. Cute Mr. Tarantino. Real Cute.

Oh but then I wonder if he has a themed work environment. I don't doubt that there's a general sense of bloodiness in the office. And his only offices are in Cali, none in NYC. I always figured he was a bit New Yorky but I guess he's a flashy fella as well. Cali makes sense.

Tri-State Dismantling- How can I help you?

So, today I am going after work to my blind date audition. They are filming the part of the show where you talk about yourself before you go on they date. I don't know if I will be on the show yet, but they just film that part. I am supposed to dress sexy- and not wear a white, red, black, or blue shirt. So that was a bit challenging. I have like 10 "sexy shirts" and then about 3 shirts not any of those colors, and then one that still fits. So that one shirt better be good enough, or else I am going to hit people in their arms for two hours straight. Not out of frustration- it's really not that frustrating- just because.

Oh yes, and since I am going to start shooting comedy sketches again, all of my peoples with a desire to act, or to contribute funny ideas, let me know because I am going to start soon- and I want to know who wants a peice of the action. Hit me up with an email or comment if you want to participate.

And as I walked into work I saw a truck that said "Tri-state Dismantling Company" on the side. Now THERE's a job for me! What a dream job to dismantle for the Tri-State Area!
"Hi, I'm Heather Fink, I am here to dismantle."
"Oh great, thank goodness you have arrived, we have been needing dismantling for a long time. Please go to the back, we have a computer and mid-sized noctural mammal that need to be dismantled ASAP."
"I'm right on it, sir, or mam, what gender are you?"
"Oh that's funny you should ask! I get asked that all the time! Well you see, I am a woman, but I am rather masculine."
"Ok, I have to get to the dismantling. Nice meeting you. Here's my number"
Or at least I imagine my daily job to go something like that.

Oh yes.

Thursday, July 22, 2004


Well, I have lost so much weight that this is how my pants fit me now. I took that picture of myself yesterday, and I don't mean to brag- but don't I look good?

I am going home this weekend and I plan to tear out my semi-slutty high school clothes and toss some on. I wouldn't say they were really slutty- but I did actually wear skirts and short shorts back in the day. Sometimes- only sometimes- a tasteful crop top would come out as well. And fuck it I might as well wear it while the bod is here. I started eating normal about 2 days ago so I started exercising again. I also plan to go to the beach without wearing shorts over the bikini for the first time in years cause the ghetto booty has been slightly tamed.

And yeah I still wake up in the morning after dreaming about him, and like clockwork I puke in the morning. But, I just give it an hour and I feel ok. It's so weird cause I wasn't doing this until after I found out about the cheating. I hear from friends that cheating makes you puke. Hell if I knew I could get it done this way I wouldn't have drank so much all them years! So yeah- for all of those people out there who are dying to puke every morning- try being cheated on/left for a dumb fucking high schooler- works like a charm.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

The coolest thing

If you have Windows XP, open your control panel, click on "speech" and then write in some words and a robot voice will say them for you. It's very fun.  And play with the speed while your robot computer talks.  It can provide such thrills!

Everyone likes talking to robots.

Also, if you are from Roxbury High School, you might be interested in a 2000 grad's band (remember a kid named Bryce?). He's friends with Eli- he pointed them out to me. They are really amazing, kind of remind me of TOOL, here's their website:

Another morning of another day.

So I am at work early this morning. Perfect opportunity to write in Mr. Blog. I just can't get over how easy it is to get to work. I feel compelled to give myself an hour to get here. But it doesn't take a half hour to get here even, it's more like 20 minutes. Just one stop on the PATH and then it's a straight shot walking down Bedford

A google image search for Bedford street brought this lovliness to my screen . . .

to get here. And during rush hour the PATH runs all the time, so I don't have to wait for it.

Anyhow, I wake up again with more bad dreams and more vomiting. I actually ate yesterday, so I was hoping this would stop. It's just a crazy identical cycle every morning. I wake up to early, start shivering, take my shower, and then spend some time - dammit- as Brian would say- "chowing" up. I don't know why that popped into my head.

Walking down the street I get another Joey Tribiani "How you doin" as I walk by. This is the third this week. I usually just smile and say nothing. And then as I continued further ahead, I saw a barely eaten container of some gourmet salad half opened, on top of a garbage can, set there I think so that some homeless person could find it. Now this is something that I do all of the time. It made me feel good to know there might be some Amelie-Nino like person out there with this little habit of leaving food on top of garbage cans so that homeless people can find it easier. But it's probably a chick that left it there, or possibly some kind of rabid feces wearing club kid. But still, it was a nice thought for a moment.

So I am doing my thing. My general feeling that has changed and remained for today is that I will be ok without him. And I am starting to feel like I can move forward in my life and not be so sad. I do feel generally down, but I am able to laugh and have a briteness in my voice. I decided I need to watch a movie, one that even reminds me of him so I can start doing that again. It really felt good not to ignore love songs and just endure them. I also look head on at dogs, and I am going to go to a baseball game with a friend. Brian took me to my first professional sports game. A hockey game- my favorite sport. He also was the first person to get me to watch baseball and the first person I ever intimately knew who gave a damn about sports. So I think going to a baseball game with someone and learning to enjoy it would be good. I guess its kind of like facing my fears, and making things my own again.

Like my friend commented in yesterday's post, I recognize that I am not going to be over him yet. I feel love and hate for him. The hate is from how much he hurt me and the cold hard rejection from someone who I only knew as a person who cared for me. The hurt is from how little to no effort came on his part to communicate with me in a way that wouldn't destroy me. Little to no throught was put into what I would feel. But his flaws that I complain about aren't enough for me to just let go. I believe everyone has good and bad in themselves and I believe in redemption, rehabilitation, and emotional journeys. I know how special and rare relationships with people are. I don't care if conventional wisdom points in different directions. I am not simple and I don't expect my life to be.

And I feel so good about writing comedy again. I used to just rip my camera out and grab whoever I needed and made videos. Sometimes I had an idea in one day and two days later a video was finished. I want to be that fervent creative person I know I can be. I just need to sleep and eat more so that I have more mental energy.

My whole life is so different now and I haven't even had time to truly grasp what has become of me. It's funny how we define ourselves in so many ways, yet what is left behind when you strip all of your personal identities can be very surprising. I am starting to learn who and what I am so much better now. And it feels very good to be yourself.

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

It's Truly the First Day of the Rest of My Life

Wow- what a difference a day makes!

I woke up this morning after having a horrifying dream that we were still together, and couldn't go back to bed because I was afraid of dreaming of him, and then I take a vitamin, drink some water, and a few minutes later I am puking that up. I sadly take my shower and feel lifeless and depressed as I walk into work.

By the way, today was my first day at my new job at for a director/production company that deals mainly in making commercials. I find out that I am not an Office Assistant- I am an Office Manager. Fun. And it's such a beautiful office in SoHo- one the prettiest neighborhoods in Manhattan. And I basically manage all the stuff that goes on in the office with mainly the director I am working for, and then also with this other guy who gets directors for projects, and then there's some other people associated with the place who are Producers and the like. And I actually have an important job and people will be calling to speak to me. It's so exciting to me! And I can use the editing software to make my own movies on downtime. So ASAP, I am going to start on this. I can actually make my own sketch videos at work on the nice ass software and equipment that they have there. It's so unbelievable- I will get to do what I love for work! And I don't have any more homework!

And then I get there, and I drink some Arizona Green Tea, get some energy, and start talking to a man I will refer to as Kevin Bacon because he looks a lot like a young Kevin Bacon. He is currently the office manager and he will be around the next few weeks showing me how to do his job. He is leaving to write for TV in LA. Anyhow, he's a chill person and after spending time teaching me to do stuff, we talk and talk and talk. I am in a good mood and for lunch I EAT! I ate some super yummy pasta- and god is it good to lunch in New York cause nothing is mediocre here- you have the best of the best everywhere. Hooray. So through this talking and being in this new mode in my life, and coming to realize that I am about to be working at something I absolutely love I start to feel really good. Of course I must beat the dead horse and talk to Mr. Bacon about Mr. Peice of Shit. And I really got a lot out.   Oh yeah, and they have the radio on in the background, and I get over step one and can actually listen to all the songs without getting sad- and one more thing- I get to watch director's reels-  so I get to watch cool stuff and be entertained for a good chunk of each day.  Yay.

I can't even rehash all of the lovely thoughts I was thinking, but I revisted some memories- and most importantly, my own memories of not being happy with Brian. I remember saying to him about a month ago on the phone, "Brian, you are so quiet and seem so happy. That scares the hell out me because I think there must be something you aren't telling me, like some secret evil side of you you don't let out . . .but of course there isn't. You are just good!" But dammit I knew it then! He is a sick little evil fucker who decieved me and hid his true feelings. He even decieved himself into thinking he didn't really cheat on me. And duh, he so did. (Cause he didn't actually "get" with her until the day of or day after the breakup- and asshole- if you are flirting with and talking to a girl like she is your girlfriend, and exchanging pictures with her and dating her- you are cheating you son-of-a-bitch- you just timed your break-up cause it was about time to get your nasty wanker sucked)


I know a lot of the pain is from being rejected and from being cheated on. And also how easily he threw me away and treated me so coldly, and didn't even do it to my face. And the fact that he says doesn't fucking find me attractive, which is an awful thing to hear from someone you were with for a year- especially after seeing a picture of the new girl who is very very nothing special. Just plain- not ugly, pretty enough to get male attention, but seriously, nothing interesting- I guess pretty but never beautiful. Oh yeah, and the fact that she is 19 and all she knows is high school and I am sorry but a high school graduate has little to offer yet- they haven't even lived on their own yet or anything . . . plus you know how much you change in college- I know he became a different person from high school to college from what he tells me. And so he is dating someone who has yet to find out and develop into the person they really are. So whatever, sucks for him. That loser will be waiting around for her in the misery that is law school while she bangs frat boys on weekends. Ha!

And I don't care so much anymore. He doesn't find me attractive- well he used to anyway, something is just wrong with him and he wants fresh meat. I can't say today that I am over him, or that I don't care at all. I know that right now I just feel fantastic, but I know this pain is going to linger inside me for a little while. And I am prepared for relapses of missing him and maybe wanting to be with him.

But when I think about being with him, I think about having sex with him, or hugging him, or sleeping with him. But I don't think about talking to him. That leaves me to believe I just need some physical affection, and feel kinda lonely on top of rejected and perhaps that is all. Especially after I faithfully waited around for him and haven't gotten any in 2 months. I want to be cuddled with in his big bed, but I'd like to cuddle in that bed with someone more worthy and less retarded.

So I am snapping out of it. I am so suprised it's happening already. I don't think I will be at the stage of "what did I ever see in him". I know what I saw in him. I know that he will be able to get lots of chicks after me too (but I highly doubt that he will keep any of them). It basically comes down to the fact that he has a cute face and is quiet and doesn't talk to girls. He is too pussy to go up to any girl and talk to her, and girls love guys who don't try- I know that I loved that about him. He is also quiet, which makes him seem mysterious- but as I learned he is quiet cause he truly has nothing to say. And he's cute enough- and since there are few cute guys- at times- I am sure he will get hit on and stuff. But behind the mask and persona there is nothing stable or remarkable. I find his whole image so truly sexy. But it was totally superficial of me to fall in love with someone for their looks and their taste in movies and music and cause he is in law school (well I did also think he was a good person- found out that wasn't true later on). It's just all on the surface- all of it.

Plus he isn't even tracing his dreams. Right now I think I have his dream job. I know he is only going to law school cause he thought he'd be good at it, and he wants to buy sports cars. It is most definately for the money. He has no passion for law. What he's becoming is just so dull and predictible- so "typical bonehead guy"- (you know being with the 19 year old girl and chasing the fat dollar) it's gross to someone like me.

So anyhow, I felt great walking off the PATH into Hoboken amongst the other workers. There were tons of adorable faces in suits- faces of men with good jobs who are my neighbors! And in that pool of cute job-having men, there has got to be something- at least something that will bring me joy for a few weeks . . . which might be all I am ready for right now.

And I am as thin as I was in high school and it feels great. I see the body I once had and it makes me happy to see it back. As I eat more normally, I will continue to work out- just as I started a week before the asshole dumped me. I have nothing to hate about myself. I didn't do anything wrong, I have great friends who support me, I have the opportunity to pursue my dream, starting writing comedy again, and spend my days in the best city in the world. I am a good person and I will continue to be. I will never cheat on or decieve a man, and I will pick up things for people when they drop them, and I will be there for people when they need me. I am not wrecked and I am good enough for Brian, he is just not good enough for me, and deep down he knows and somewhat admits that I am too much for him. And he knows I don't deserve his issues and I don't deserve the way he treats me. So I guess I thank him cause I don't think I would've dumped him because things just weren't bad enough for me to do that. They weren't bad, they weren't anything after a while.

And my friend calls me up today and he is dying to set me up with some friends of his he says are just soo totally awesome and live in the city and he thinks I have to meet them. Well I have never really dated- but what the hell. It's time for me to start having fun- and going on dates beats bars hands down. Plus he is cool and I know he runs with a cool circle of people. So it's a good sign.

And I guess I am feeling this way so soon because I have been getting everything off my chest and into this blog. It's so great to realize that my longing for him is largely my need to physical attention and deprivation of kisses for the past 2 months. It's great to recognize that so what if he has a cute face- there's hundreds of cute faces out there. It's great to recognize that it doesn't mean anything that he doesn't find me attractive. He has weird taste anyway and the fact that he can't feel anything for me says more about him than it does about me.

So fuck him.

What a long strange trip it has been. I am so glad that my life is becoming what it is becoming and I can leave everything from the worst year of my life behind me.

What a difference a day can make. It's time to go meet a friend for beer and FOOD!

Monday, July 19, 2004

Who The Hell Knows what helps . . .

They say it's important to know exactly what you want. They might be right. So here goes:

1) A rock hard sense of morals- a man who does the right thing no matter what, and when he messes up, he fesses up to it as soon as possible and who has a conscience.

2) Someone who appreciates me. Someone who understands the kind of person I am and who will be wholly satisfied with me filling that role of whatever in his life.

3) Someone who is thoughtful and pays attention to me. Someone who learns who I really am and all the subtle elements of my personality.

4) Someone who balances a strong sense of self and self confidence with a desire to please others, a desire to help others even if there is no direct benefit to him- he will smile at strangers, open doors for people, and pick up something for someone if they drop it.

5) Someone who understands people, and has a lot of compassion and has many friends who care about him and that he cares about. His friends aren't all assholes, they are fun, decent people.

6) Someone smart, ideally who knows about things that I don't know about and can teach me. Someone who think of things similarly but can bring up great points that I didn't think of. Someone who can point out ideas that I am missing.

7) Someone who isn't too serious, but still passionate. He would be light hearted, easy going, and chill. He wouldn't make a big deal out of things that aren't important. But he would get all worked up about important things- he would be able to show emotions if something is worth getting upset over.

8) Someone who is silly, and a risk taker while at the same time not obnoxious. So I guess he'd be funny, playful- definately really playful- but not annoying or attention greedy. Not a stand up comic, good lord not a stand up comic, but definately maybe a sketch writer . . .

9) He'd be free-spirited. The kind of person who grabs life by the ass and spanks it. The kind of guy that will cooperate with my crazy whims and go do something spontaneous. The kind of guy that will blow money on an experience just cause he hasn't tried it before. He needs to be able to try anything new- so longs as it's not nasty.

10) Someone who has their shit together and doesn't depend on me for anything but lovin. He needs to be focused, have a goal in life, have thought about what's important and has a fighting determined sense of going for it.

11) Someone who clicks with me socially- he will spend hours with me just watching tv or movies, but when there's a party going on, or at least once a weekend, he can be just plain fun when we go out- and actually talks to people and is friendly. Not shy but not obnoxious.

12) Someone with unusual taste. He is interested in culture, movies, books, and music that stems from his own personal tastes and isn't modeled based on what is popular. He can look or listen to something new and find something interesting about it. He can see beauty in all kinds of things. He will get off his ass and go to a museum with me, a concert, a comedy show, something on broadway.

13) Someone who is good in bed- enough said- but he has to enjoy pleasing me as much as I please him.

14) And of course he has to be attractive to me, but certain looks I don't think I could ever like. For example- I can't stand juice heads, or fake looking guys. He most importantly has to have an interesting face. One of those faces that the more I look at the more I can appreciate it rather than get bored with it. Some of the hottest guys I have dated have grown ugly to me over time.

15) And he has to be up front and honest. No nonsense and no bullshit.

And with all of that I think I would be happy as a clam. But it's picky I guess. I am kind of sure I need all of that. I know I could love someone who doesn't have all of that, but if one of those things are missing, I think it would always annoy me.

I know Brian isn't any of these things. But I just can't cut off people. I feel such strong connections with people I have had in my life- I always wonder about what old friends are up to, things like that. Maybe that's part of the explanation of my mystery- as to why the hell I still love him with all my heart.

And I got a special message from yahoo

I am sure you might have seen this before, but I really feel that this kid feels my pain, ya know. . .

I'm there for ya kid. And so is CIGI Direct Insurance Services Incorporated.


I am going to share more feelings.

First I need to give a shout out to my friend Bernie.  He is someone I only talked to now and then at GW, but he did something to really cheer me up, and that's really very awesome.  He sent me some candy, a dvd of when harry met sally, a candle and bubble bath.  Now its time for me to get Hallmark on you, because I think that its so nice just to see that people care.  Thank you Bernie.

I was walking through the town running errands and of course my only company is my thoughts.  I haven't really left the house much in the past few days.  I left the house and went to a bar on Friday and Saturday nights, which I really didn't enjoy, but I haven't been out in the daytime.

I really don't like being hit on right now though.  I doesn't make me feel better.  It makes me feel like I am surrounded by pigs.  Gross little piggies everywhere!  And every guy's face blurs right now into one mess.  I actually got that feeling of being a peice of meat again as I walked down the street and heard stupid little cat calls or whatever.  Right now I am thinking of back in my Sophomore year of college.  In the same month, I found out that there were pictures taken of me when I was sunbathing in Washington, DC with a telephoto camera.  A friend of mine discovered them on the net when he was looking at porn.  That just felt so awful.  There were psycho pedifiles whacking off to me somewhere and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then about a week later some guy pulled over on the side of the road in DC to ask me for directions, and when I went up to tell him, I saw him whacking off.  And then that summer, I was walking down the street with some friends in NYC and this guy was walking behind us whacking off; and there's still more!  The next night that weekend I was walking to the subway and this homeless man was whacking off on the stairs of someone's house!  Around this time in my life I didn't want to leave the house without a baggy sweatshirt on.  I just didn't want to be looked at ever again it was so gross.  Well right now I don't want to be looked at.  Brian makes me feel like a discarded peice of meat, being exchanged for something that gets him a little more, well, you know.  And before I end this paragraph I might add that this kind of incident happened to me again last June.  I was in Holland and I was walking through a park in a small town.  There was this crazy Euro guy jogging in Speedos.  He jogged past me, and I didn't see him any more.  But then I saw him standing in the woods just whacking it off like crazy.  I was horrified, frozen, I wanted to throw a rock at him but I was totally scared.  That really puts a damper on your day.  Hey men, you've got to start doing some catch up work cause you're not worthy!  (most of you)
Anyhow, feelings, back to feelings.

Many of my friends have been saying to get revenge on him in all these different ways.  The only reason I feel kind of convinced is because I don't want to be a fool and make this easy on him.  I mean he ditched me with this place.  I am going to be paying 1200 more dollars this year because I can't find someone to share this apartment even.  I mean, my friend is going to live in the living room and pay less, in my situation I am lucky to get anyone in here.  And he refused to take care of the place and pay for it either.  So of course I get the idea that I shouldn't be the one getting dicked over like this.  But I just don't like revenge at all.  I did do one thing thats harmless yesterday- he'll find out what that is . . . but it really turned my stomach to do it. 

I just have to believe in the principles that I have always believed in.  I started to feel this stuff slip away from my mind.  But I can't lose who I am.  And I believe that the good are good and the bad are bad.  The only punishment that bad people need is just having to be themselves.  I am so glad I am not someone like Brian.  I am so glad that I wouldn't do things to make other people feel so bad.  I am happy that I have more passion and caring for other people than he does.  I am glad that I loved him and he didn't love me because I am happy to have a heart.  It's like losing your vision or hearing- it's a sense, and I am glad I can feel in ways that he never will.  I mean he thinks he knows love but he's only touched the surface. 

So this girl is like this crush he's always had, and he just found out that he can have her and so he dumped me cold turkey- and somehow he's convinced that he needs to be with her right now, asap, no waiting- a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with this idealized crush he has had on this little girl.  This trophy little girl that he always told me about how all the high school boys loved her.  It's like a kid in a candy store.  I don't know what values he has but as far as I remember he doesn't believe in god.  I am not religous but I believe in god and I believe in goodness and the soul.  This isn't good for his soul.  He truly has become less of a man.   He has chosen lust over love and he is confusing the two. 

But still, as I walked down the street all I wanted was to have him walking by my side as he used to, holding my hand, and for some stupid reason I think the best feeling in the world would be to be hugged by him again.  And you know its just all this rejection.  To be rejected and unwanted and tossed out by someone like this, it makes you feel worthless.  To be trashed as soon as this one girl gives him the time of day- it just takes a huge chunk of self worth away.

And he has the nerve to judge me, to judge this blog, to judge how I am handling this.  He can't even let me get over this the best way I can.  So what if it gets ugly.  I deserve something.  Anything.  It is so fundamentally wrong that he is the one that screwed me over and he has her company right now.  So so wrong.

I guess some day he will face the music, we will all face the music and come to terms with the things we have done.  I can't let him eat up who I am, and the good parts of me, because I don't think I have ever been weaker in my life.  And if I don't get out of this soon he will have truly stolen a part of me that I can never get back.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Six Feet Under

Holy Shit! Six Feet under is sooo good it's really unbelievable. It brings movie quality to a weekly show, god it's like nothing that was ever on tv!

Dammit if you don't watch it you are missing out.

And it's 30 minutes till Ali G! Oh god. Yes it's true, the highlight of my day is this TV line up.

Who I Am

So I was watching my wonderful new cable today. CNN was running a story about Martha Stewart, and I can't for the life of me understand what the hell is so wrong with her. Her "insider trading" didn't really screw investors, it wasn't any kind of Enron or anything.

And our society is littered with men who are determined and all about their jobs, and that's what Martha is exactly. And I like that, and she doesn't act all feminine and people should stop caring so much. Everyone calls her bitchy and difficult, but I think that's the right of any intelligent woman to be that way when appropriate.

I mean don't get me wrong, I have a big problem with people who are mean or bitchy for no reason, but I have no reason to think that Martha was a bitch. How could she be with such pretty floral creations?

Anyhow, it just reminds me, in the vain of Hillary and Martha, that our society really does not embrace focused, successful women. I mean, I guess their problem is that they aren't known for a chill or fun persona. Perhaps that's what the next generation of successful women need.

The poor Olson twins let me down. I saw big things for them, but ah that nagging body image crap screwed them up. But I dunno, I am pretty sure we haven't seen the last of them.

I am kind of certain that I was too much of an individual for Brian. A lot of women are able to make statements like, I am smart, pretty, funny, and I deserve to be treated right. A lot of my great friends know that much, and I know it too. It's very important to understand your self worth and what you deserve. He told me he hated that I said that. He's just old fashioned and he's not interested in a woman who is a fully developed individual and who has her own agenda, and who just doesn't conform to his whims. Because I know I will never change my last name, move to the south, or say yes mam or yes sir. And if I want to state my opinion, I will pay no mind to whether or not that opinion is flattering.

And that right there is the very essence of who I am and what I am alllll about. I am all about justs laying it all out there. No games, no colorful packaging, no predetermined way of packaging my intentions, just nothing fake. I don't change or apologize for who I am ever. The only time I owe apologies is when I have wronged someone else. But I don't care at all if my behavior is unflattering, or if it is unpopular. I do think that is the number one thing Brian doesn't like about me, and that really shows me that he is just too little of a person to handle a real woman as opposed to a little girl.

And that's what I need, because I think it's a quality I have that makes me who I am. I just have a sense that I have no reason to hide what I really feel (exhibit A- this blog) because I am human, and if I feel anything, it has to be valid, because I believe in logic and universality. I believe that if something makes me feel a certain way- it's ok. So I am pretty much constantly unfiltered.

I think he is a fan of prepackaged bullshit. Perhaps I should have expected this from a man who's favorite restaurant is Olive Garden. Goddamn southerners- I WISH they succeeded from the damn union cause we don't need em.

Sick as FUCK

SO of course I have been having this not sleeping or eating and vomiting thing. And believe me, I want to eat so bad and I want to sleep so bad. When I lie down my body hurts, and then I can't lie down, and if I do sleep and I wake up just half way- it's all over, I can't sleep. I can't be put to rest with all of these fucked up thoughts. I just wish I could check my ass into some hospital, but I know that it's just fucking heartbreak- and my cure is eating and sleeping. I also know I am such a fucking optimist that I can get my attitude together and be strong and everything. But the physical pain is just getting in the way of all that. I mean, maybe I wouldn't feel bad today, but days of not eating is just making me feel worse.

And eating does you no good when it just ends up in the goddamn toilet.

This just sucks so bad- I mean if I had cheated on him, or taken him for granted, or been mean to him, or unsupportive, maybe somehow I might deserve this. But I treated him like a king, with respect and honesty and love. And this is what I have to fucking feel right now.

He should've just flown up here and beat the shit out of me, maybe then I would be unconscious and not have to feel this shit. I just feel like a diseased old animal who should be put to sleep to get it out of the physical pain.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? But I am already fucking strong- all of you who know me know I am plenty strong enough and I don't need this lesson or whatever. It's just a fucking boy. It's just a fucking stupid ass idiot peice of shit boy. But unfortunately I loved him, and I guess this is how it goes.

I wish "time" the ulitimate cure could fucking move a little faster. This pain is so stupid.

But as with all things that are worth feeling sad about, its about people. People matter to eachother, and none of us are immune from other people. When Aristotle said "man is a political animal" he was only scratching the damn surface.

For every one out there who has had a death, or disease, or a loss of some kind, oh I don't know, I have just seen so many of my friends be so amazing to people and make sacrifices for others in their lives. You know who you are and don't ever give up.

Like when we were taking care of my grandmother. She was paranoid schidzophrenic and lived in our house from when I was 15 to when I was 21. My mom left her home in Holland when she was 19 and came to America. I know that every once in a while she would have this insane homesickness and just cry. And her brothers and sisters are so close to her, and all they have is the telephone and occasional visits and letters. And I just see so much love. And my mom lost her mom a while back, but she slaved over my dad's mom when she lived with us. As horrible as it was to deal with her, my mom sucked it up and never gave up. We could've put her away in a home or institution, but that's just not how to treat people.

No matter what, never ever lose sight of how important it is to treat other people with care and respect. Especially those who love you and those who you love. But especially those who love you. No matter what shit you go through, don't become embittered and cold. Don't ever shut other people out.

Duh, I just thought about this episode of Tiny Toons where they found the secret of life and it was "friends". Don't ask my why I remember that. Man is that shit true.

Gandhi, Thick Nayt Hanh, those dudes are so right. It's all about love, patience, tolerance, other people.

Writing this helps make my situation seem so much less important. But if you let someone in your life, and there's love, there is so much potential for real pain. It's just not a game.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

Feeling a little better

So my parents came by today and helped me really get moved into my place.  It looks nice but its so big and empty in here.  It really seems made for 2.  So I really can't wait till I have a roommate, that will make this place so much better, and the kitty too.  Slowly and surely this will become my place, and the empty side of my bed will not be the place where Brian sleeps, it'll be the place for me to spread out and roll around, or maybe the kitty can make himself a nice little cosy spot over there.
And I ate a peice of bread today and kept it down.  I am a champion!
And some guys from high school, for you Roxbury readers, its Eli, Yoda (do people still call him that??) and Cummins, some of the silliest people I went to school with - especially when they are together- are gonna hang out with me here, considering my newfound hatred for bars- it's exactly the company I need.  Especially with Jim's infectious laughing and turkey trots and "zzzzzaaa"s or whatever the hell they are.
A big plus was for the day was my realization that even though I have this feeling inside me like what we had was so special, and this respect for him and love for him and who he was that haunts me- one thing that is very true is that he isn't ready in his life for a serious relationship.  He isn't emotionally mature, and even for the both of us, we are just such strong minded people- we weren't going to help one another grow.  So even if we did have something special and even if he some how is "the one", he obviously didn't know how to act or treat someone in a real adult relationship, and in his life, he has so much more growing to do before he is ready for something serious. 
And the mid twenties are the famous time in your life when you find yourself in the world.  I am especially changing in my life and I feel good seeing myself transform in the world and fit into it more and more each day.  He needs to figure himself out so very much too.
He isn't and wasn't ready for me in his life.  He hasn't taken the time to critically evaluate himself in the world and he desperately needs that. 

So lets see- in 3 or 5 years maybe he will grow up, and realize all the wrong he has done, and know how to treat me as i deserve.  Maybe in 3 to 5 years I will still love him somehow- but by then I too will know myself better, and maybe already have found someone better for me. Maybe in 3 to 5 years he doesn't grow and becomes worse.  And then I can feel even better I am rid of him.
But this is something I can stomach.  This is a way of looking at it that I can accept and come to terms with.  I got his damn underwear and computer and some pictures and some other things out of here today.  I smelled the laundry to see if I could smell him on it- and I didn't even recognize his scent anymore.   That also made me feel better.
But don't get me wrong, the pain is still far from gone.  And lord to I hate that stupid little plain looking 19 year old soon-to-be college freshman with no problems or worries in life from her stupid small town bitch. 

Desperately seeking small grey kitten who tends to snuggle in a little ball on 23 year old girls' beds.

The Sountrack behind the movie

So certain songs have been jumping into my mind, my involuntary soundtrack.  Here's the track list so far:
Click the links for the lyrics-
You Outghta Know
I Can't Make You Love Me
Love Don't Live Here Anymore
Cold-Hearted Snake
 and oh boy I would never buy this crappy CD.
and these are the songs I can't listen too cause they make me sick to my stomach-
Fell in Love with a girl
Anything White Stripes, Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World (which is music I enjoy)
Anything about people happy in love
The Cure
These songs remind me of us, and also I think he listens to them and feels them for the new girl.  It's all oh oh soooo stupid.


I just found a fascinating website:
And I am noticing my counter at the bottom of this page- so I've had a lot of readers lately.  And only some of you have come out an emailed me or called me about it.  Who are the others out there. . .  I'm curious.

Goddamn it I am awake

Fuck. I woke up at 7 am. Why Why Why.

Nagging thought this morning- how could he just move on so quickly to some other bitch. Guess he's already quite over me.

And the hurting. The physical pain thing. How the hell do I stop it and how long does it last!

And how do you have anything to vomit when there is nothing in your stomach! Well Screw you stomach! I just put water and a tums in you and you wouldn't let me keep that! Perhaps it is the greedy toilet always trying to take more than it deserves.

And you know, something I know about myself, and that others tell me, sometimes to my disadvantage, I am a strong person.

But I am a person, and this "love" thing makes you weak, I think no matter who you are. It's attacking my system like AIDS on T Cells. All I can think about is how much I love him- but he has just treated me so badly. I can't help but think that if I broke up with him, or we talked it out and decided to seperate, I wouldn't feel like this. It's like automatic, if someone cheats on you and dumps you, all you can think about are the good times. It just makes no sense- because why would I want to be with someone who is treating me like this! Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me?

God it's just not that. There's nothing rational going on here- just pain pain ouchy pain.

And I was wondering? Should I stay with my parents for few days? I can't stand being alone in this place, but I am not sure I want to be in my hometown seeing as how Hoboken is where my friends are at. Actually the most of them are down the shore right now and no one is here. Gotta hate how that happens here in the summer- often times the scene is dead cause everyone is down the shore.

And dude, I know I just need to move on to another guy, but it makes it so much harder that I am not a bar person. I know that the only time I enjoy bars is when I am there with friends I already know, and I don't really care to talk to strangers. I will never meet a guy in a bar, there is something so grotesque about it to me. God. Brian's new little hooker isn't even old enough to drink. That is so rediculous- the age of a college freshman. A dumb college freshman/sophomore! Could you imagine dating one of those!!! God you all remember being that age- and being 24 and going out with someone that age!

Man its just so hard cause the feelings I shared with Brian are not quite what I have ever felt with anyone. 

I really loved him- like real true love,  me and everyone who knew us knew that he loved me too with all his heart!  We just stopped having fun for a while - it was all outside stuff I know its true.   I mean how can he think this is something that is just easy to come by!  I know he doesnt love the new girl.  Arggghhh.
I just didn't expect it to hurt this much worse on top of before because of the 19 year old.  If what goes around comes around, Brian's stomach tumor and internal bleeding should be coming any day now. 

Friday, July 16, 2004

It actually can feel worse

So I just went out to some bar with my friends. I was ok and feeling better when we were at my apartment, but as soon as we left, I felt even worse. I haven't been out to any bars yet since all this- just met sometimes to get a bite with a friend, went to people's houses.

This was horrifying. Seeing the couples walk by I felt like I was watching the ghost of my relationship, so dead, walking by. When I went to the bar there was a sea of cute eligible bachelors- and looking at them all made me sick. Each face just disgusted me. I just can't stomach strangers right now. And there were some calling at me to talk to me, at the bar and on the street. My heart started beating and my stomach felt more sick. I really haven't and can't eat anything- believe me, I couldn't get past one french fry.

I just felt like seeing all of those people melted my insides into pain. I darted out of the bar. I hope I can sleep again.

And seeing "Fink/Knowles" written on my mailbox as I enter doesn't help either.

The Scariest Thing Ever

So Poltergiest has always been the scariest movie ever to me, but this is the scariest product ever:

Every time I see this in the cereal isle my body shudders and I seek shelter.

So much worse than I thought he was

There is and was another woman.  I just found out last night and here I am at 6am, I woke up too early and I can't go to sleep.  My stomach is killing me.  It's just so horrible to think, he is happy right now, and he was just a fucking liar.  A total fucking liar.  And this tops the list of why no woman could ever want a peice of shit like him.
And he doesn't admit any real guilt.  After everything we went through, he doesn't really feel bad that he is putting me through this.  And I found out on my own unfortunately. 
It's a blessing as well as a stab through my heart.  I know he is a worthless person.  Of all of my male friends who have been stupid kids, and even cheated, none of them have laid it down like this.
And I know that Brian has some friend out there who is reading this blog and thinks that I've lost my mind or something- but hey lady- fuck you.  You haven't had to be on the recieving end of this and it hurts!  So just suck it up because you never went out with him and going out with him is a miserable experience!
And this dumb 19 year old he is with now is so naive to be with him when he obviously has shown his colors with me to be with someone for a year and in love with them enough to be moving in with them, and just kicking me to the curb and happily picking up some other girl.   How could you be with a monster like that?  He is being the exact same with her as he was with me, and he only enjoyed the famous "honeymoon" part of the relationship- the happy first part that you are able to feel that way with absolutely every one and every thing when a relationship is new.  But when the "going gets tough" he just fucking up and left.  Well whatever, she is in the middle of nowhere Florida, and I understand there are slim pickins, and it doesn't really matter, and shouldn't matter to me. 
And I KNOW I am better off without him, I can do better, and damn you know- I've never had a problem having boys like me- I know.  And I even have male friends I enjoy spending time with more so than with Brian.  But it just hurts, and it's just going to take time to get over.  Sweet lovely time.  And I just found out, and it's Friday, and a few guys have been calling, interested in dating or whatever, and all I need is a new guy in my life to get my mind off of it, and to treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve.
Because that is what I deserve.

This is a lesson that I didn't want to and didn't need to learn, and I would happily erase him from my life in a second because he taught me nothing.  It's not like I didn't learn that when I was 14, men can be assholes.  An idiot like Brian had so little to offer, other than mutual interest in music and movies, and this "boyish charm" which is really just this quietness he uses to mask that he really has nothing to say.
I haven't been through much death, but my mom said this feels as bad as death because when this happens its like the person dies on you, or at least he is dead to me.  There is nothing more I would like than for him to get hit by a bus right now.  I would be relieved that the world could take a sick fuck like that off the streets.
And this is who he is- a boring small town wanna be lawyer who has shit grades in law school anyway, and a sleezy untrustworthy little swine of man- the exact kind that makes lesbians lesbians.
But alas, it is Friday, and I start that job for a few days as a Production Assistant.  And more than half of the office is cute boys.  And they are funny too.  God bless distractions, and god bless the wonderful life I have ahead of me.  God bless the fact that I can be rid of this disgusting person.  God bless the fact that I have everything it takes to move on.
And god bless my cousin Ross and his new baby, and all of the happiness that life can bring when you are with good people.  Here is the mother, Alison, with their new baby, Jack.  Welcome to the world Jack!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

My exciting life . . .

Ok- so I just got the job.  I will be working full time for Perretti Productions in SoHo.  There's pay and possible benefits in 6 months- and apparantly every person who works there goes on to a better job, such as this guy that works there now.  He is moving to LA to work on a TV show.  Hellz yeah I am big pimpin now.

The very best boss.

So today is my last day at work, and my boss Frank ( has become like a best friend over time. I actually talk to him about personal stuff and he talks to me. I definately don't expect to come across a boss like that again- but you never know. I am only leaving because I do not want to work in law anymore.

But he said to me today, "Heather, I am so excited for you, I know you were upset before, but what I think is happening is the best week of your life! You are going to look back and see that this was the week where your life changed for the good and you left all the negative crap behind! And look at you- you have this exciting job ahead of you, you will meet all these exciting new people, and Brian is stuck in the same place, in Newark."

Indeed. And the new people at all these jobs I have been interviewing at, are almost all pretty hot. Nice bonus.

And while I have this Production Assistant job for 6 weeks, I have a follow up interview for a permanent position as an Office Manager at a SoHo television/movie production company on Wednesday.

Now this is what I love. This is life and I am living it.

Don't let the bastards get you down! And better yet, fuck em!

THIS is what happens when you have no work to do at work and you have the internet

This is a Domokun, a lovable monster from Japan. I think he speaks for himself.

And this is why Domokun is famous:
followed by this

and don't forget- the best TV Show ever besides 6 ft Under is Da Ali G Show- which debuts this Sunday night.
So who has HBO and is going to let me watch it at their place???? You know you want to.

And if you don't know what this show is- it's just about the funniest damn thing ever.
Educate yourself.

Being the bigger person is overrated

And now, for my pleasure if not yours, The Top Ten Reasons why I should be happy that we broke up, and why no woman would ever be happy with him.

OK- So I had posted them here, but later decided it wasn't right- for those of you who already read them, it's all true baby. All true.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

The first battle of the season

Ok, so maybe I am just wasted and a little, but I decided I would have some fun with a battle. Here it is:

Chia Pet vs Brian

Chia Pet WINS!!!! Chia Pet WINS! GO CHIA PET YAY YAY YAY! Chia pet wins because Chia pet is better to talk to and has better hair.

Email me if you have any good ideas for battles.

Yay my first job in the movies!

I just got my first job in the movies as a Production Assistant on a new movie starring this lady (Maggie Gyllenhaal)
and this guy- as seen in Once Upon A Time in Mexico.

And I get to drive the actors around, which I don't mind one bit.

Yummy Cupcakes

And because I wanted to give something a little extra this morning, I wanted to share yummy cupcakes with you. I googled it and Weight Watchers came up. Those sick fucks. I wanted yummy cupcakes and you put imagery in my mind of middle aged house wives using a calorie counter and wearing leg warmers. Weight Watchers be damned and damn Fergie and Whoopie to hell with you!

And now, without further delay, I bring you:

courtesy of the Google search engine.

There's a little bit of Happy up in here . . .

I have really come to accept and be happy that I am not returning to law school.

But I don't regret going- maybe to Seton Hall Law School in particular, but maybe it's good it was so bad cause I got out before it was all over! I don't regret it because I had to do it. I wanted to for so long. What I thought law school was going to be like is dramatically different from what it was like. What I had expected was something I would have enjoyed- but hell, I came from George Washington University after majoring in Philosophy. I loved all of my classes there. They were absolutely great and I loved being there. I think I expected I would be immersed in a higher level of thought and analysis in my law classes, and law school just isn't conducive to thinking. FYI, law school is simply learning the law, and stripping down a case to whatever the law says it is- and no matter what they tell you- there is only one right answer and only one winning verdict.

Anyhow, I had to get it out of my system. I wanted to be sure in life that I strived to be the best thing that I could be, and going to law school seemed like an important part in that process- but I don't need it to be me and to become what I want and need to become. I know that now and I didn't know it before.

And thank god I have many other passions in life. Now that I know there are a decent amount of entry level positions at film/tv production companies in New York City, I am really excited. I like that whole feild especially because it is really dependant on your skills and work experience and not your education. A masters in film actually doesn't mean all that much, or so I've been told. Plus it's creative! Which is my forte! The whole industry is a great mix of business and creativity. I know it has its evil side too- but I still feel really excited to be moving in this direction.

So I have divorced myself from any legal ambitions- but not from politics of course. The one and only thing I did love in law school was thinking about the way that laws are written, and I would love to be a law maker in Congress and write the laws. But hell, many great politicians are not lawyers and somewhere down the line I hope to be a part of it all.

Yes, I hated law school. It breeds misery. I am glad not to have to go back there anymore!

A picture of the entrance to the school- very Prison meets Minority Report- don't you think?

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

TV Dating and me, WTF?

So a few weeks ago, when I was not single, I was cast on Elimidate- I wanted to do it cause I thought it would be fun and funny too- not to meet a dude.

and now Blind Date just called me because they want me to audition for their show.

Is this some kind of sign?

So I may be on my 2 favorite dating shows during this fall season. Interesting.

Just an info update

Yeah, so for those of you who don't know- this is my life right now:
1. Not going back to law school, trying to get an entry level position at a NYC Film/TV Production Company- getting interviews- a good thing.

2. My friends interested in Real Estate Law please contact me, when I leave my current job at , I would refer you to replace me. Contact me about it.

3. Just moved into a new apartment in Hoboken, was supposed to move in with the boyfriend, I think I found someone else to live there.

4. Asshole boring mean cold heartless boyfriend dumped me out of the blue a week after I moved into OUR new apartment.

5. I feel good about leaving law school, I hopefully will feel good about ending things with Brian. Hopefully I will get some distractions.

That is all for now.

Let the nightmares begin

So I woke up last night after having my first nightmare about this whole thing. The funny part was that it is much like what really happened. In the dream, we had moved in together, and we had a kitty cat, and we were snuggling on the couch and watching tv together. We were laughing and joking. This all went on for a while. And then I went to hug him and he told me that he hated me and pushed me away. And then he wasn't there anymore. Then I couldn't call him, and he would laugh and hang up on me. And he was just dumping me all over again.

I just wake up like this every fucking morning, plus I have this sour taste in my mouth from not eating enough. I just wish for things the way they used to be- they were so good. I mean I know I am better off without him- I would never want to be with someone who has this capacity for cruelty, and who is just so immature he never can even express his feelings or talk about us, problems or whatever. It is much like dating an idiot 15 year old kid or something who can't be bothered by the realities of a relationship.

I wish it would stop raining like this, but I think it helps me sleep. I hate being alone in that apartment right now. I think what I need is to buy a blow up doll or rent somebody to sleep next to me. Or perhaps a professional hugger and cuddler.

Monday, July 12, 2004

I hate him

I hate him. I really do. He really has an amazing capacity for cruelty, meanness, and he's a freakin jerk. Yes, he is definately a mean person. And he isn't really sorry and I won't buy that. He is pathetic.

But, I found a new roommate, Palwasha, a really awesome girl, one of the few fun ones from law school, so there's some light at the end of the tunnel. And I can still get a kitty cause she wants one too. Happy. I looked at kitties this weekend cause I was depressed and I found this sweety who was very snuggly and soft- but this girl had already started filing out paperwork for it. I guess he just wasn't the one. Alas there will be others . . .

And I recently weighed myself- I lost 10 pounds. Yay.

And I had a really awesome job interview that went really well for a job I really want and hope I get at

And I need this light at the end of the tunnel. After all, I just got kicked out of law school without actually failing a single class and getting one D the entire time, and my dad is getting sued, and I got dumped, and I loved him so very much, and all I did that was really important at work today was get my boss some coffee and it was bad coffee and he asked me to get him another cup.

Oh yeah, and he told me he thought I was irritating to talk to. But then he also said he liked spending time with me because I am funny and fun to be around. For better or worse? He stopped liking me after he saw my family too I think, there's a lot of aruing there, and he has no interest in being supportive when I need it cause I have had a hard time with my family especiallt with the stress of law school.

He just wants someone perfect and he's never going to get it. What a waste of a cute face. But fuck that premature ejaculating peice of crap and his boring sex. And fuck his boring conversations and his inability to see past the end of his nose.

Ugly breakup number one for me. I much prefer my former friendly breakup.

If I could turn back time so that this never happened, I would. I miss him and I miss what could've been if this never happened.

Baseball, dogs, and movies hurt right now. He took them from me.

Brian and I had our problems, but we never worked them out. Whenever I asked him what was wrong, he would assure me that it wasn’t me. To this day I believe that it is true. Right now I believe that it is not me, and that he would still be happy with me and love me if he wanted to work things out.

But he doesn’t. He said that he decided he doesn’t love me and that he just doesn’t want to work it out or talk it out. What should a person do with this new information? That the man you fell in love with and were about to move in with just told you for the first time that he doesn’t think he loves you? According to him, “People break up, and I don’t love you, deal with it.” If he had a soul or some heart, I believe he would say, “Heather, I am worried, I don’t know what’s wrong, but I don’t feel right about us. I know it’s horrible, but I think I have lost my feelings for you. What should we do?” And then maybe we would or wouldn’t work things out. But at least then things would be human, make sense, be rational, be tolerable. After all, we were a team, a partnership, for a whole year, taking on life together, certainly if we were to end our journey, I could also take some part in it. But that isn’t what happened. I had nothing to do with it. He lost his heart and he lost his will. And I don’t know where he went. He is now a stranger and he has drained me from his heart without letting me know. The blood that beats in his heart has frozen cold and he feels nothing for me. But of course when your blood is frozen, you can’t feel anything for anybody, so maybe I can’t take it personally.

And now I sleep in our new apartment that I just moved into. I sleep in his bed. His sheets are under my body, a stale basket of his laundry sits in my bedroom. The air conditioner I made sure to buy so that he would be happy here, while I was happy using a fan, cools my body, and I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I cannot figure out why this has happened to me.

But slowly and surely he will remember me too. When he flies back up here, and sees the world without me, we will remember. He is safe in another world right now, his hometown, a place where I never existed. But he will not be safe when he escapes from his cocoon, the sheltered bubble he calls his home. And maybe there will be another woman in his life, probably not just yet. But he will see that he will not be loved or accepted as I loved and embraced him. I will have to see him when he moves his bed and his things out of my apartment, and he will remember. And when he remembers, and perhaps remembers the love that he felt for me, then perhaps his blood will thaw from its frozen coffin. And if that happens, maybe he will ask for my love again. But I cannot give it to him. Dead inside or not, my love for him has gone away and turned into throbbing pain.

Maybe that’s why he likes zombie movies so much. He can relate to people who are dead inside. I don’t know when he became a zombie but I would have done anything to help him come back to life.

But that’s the difference. I care. He does not. How could he not care? That is the question, how could anyone not care about something like this.

He is my monster, and he haunts me every moment that I have to look at the world without him in my heart or by my side. The man who got me to watch baseball, like dogs, and who loved movies as much as I did, no longer shares my life or shares my happy moments. As I revisit each memory, my heart fills with the poison and pain of his absence.

He was not the one for me. We had our differences. But I miss him. He is a stranger now. He is my monster and my ghost.