Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Another morning of another day.

So I am at work early this morning. Perfect opportunity to write in Mr. Blog. I just can't get over how easy it is to get to work. I feel compelled to give myself an hour to get here. But it doesn't take a half hour to get here even, it's more like 20 minutes. Just one stop on the PATH and then it's a straight shot walking down Bedford

A google image search for Bedford street brought this lovliness to my screen . . .

to get here. And during rush hour the PATH runs all the time, so I don't have to wait for it.

Anyhow, I wake up again with more bad dreams and more vomiting. I actually ate yesterday, so I was hoping this would stop. It's just a crazy identical cycle every morning. I wake up to early, start shivering, take my shower, and then spend some time - dammit- as Brian would say- "chowing" up. I don't know why that popped into my head.

Walking down the street I get another Joey Tribiani "How you doin" as I walk by. This is the third this week. I usually just smile and say nothing. And then as I continued further ahead, I saw a barely eaten container of some gourmet salad half opened, on top of a garbage can, set there I think so that some homeless person could find it. Now this is something that I do all of the time. It made me feel good to know there might be some Amelie-Nino like person out there with this little habit of leaving food on top of garbage cans so that homeless people can find it easier. But it's probably a chick that left it there, or possibly some kind of rabid feces wearing club kid. But still, it was a nice thought for a moment.

So I am doing my thing. My general feeling that has changed and remained for today is that I will be ok without him. And I am starting to feel like I can move forward in my life and not be so sad. I do feel generally down, but I am able to laugh and have a briteness in my voice. I decided I need to watch a movie, one that even reminds me of him so I can start doing that again. It really felt good not to ignore love songs and just endure them. I also look head on at dogs, and I am going to go to a baseball game with a friend. Brian took me to my first professional sports game. A hockey game- my favorite sport. He also was the first person to get me to watch baseball and the first person I ever intimately knew who gave a damn about sports. So I think going to a baseball game with someone and learning to enjoy it would be good. I guess its kind of like facing my fears, and making things my own again.

Like my friend commented in yesterday's post, I recognize that I am not going to be over him yet. I feel love and hate for him. The hate is from how much he hurt me and the cold hard rejection from someone who I only knew as a person who cared for me. The hurt is from how little to no effort came on his part to communicate with me in a way that wouldn't destroy me. Little to no throught was put into what I would feel. But his flaws that I complain about aren't enough for me to just let go. I believe everyone has good and bad in themselves and I believe in redemption, rehabilitation, and emotional journeys. I know how special and rare relationships with people are. I don't care if conventional wisdom points in different directions. I am not simple and I don't expect my life to be.

And I feel so good about writing comedy again. I used to just rip my camera out and grab whoever I needed and made videos. Sometimes I had an idea in one day and two days later a video was finished. I want to be that fervent creative person I know I can be. I just need to sleep and eat more so that I have more mental energy.

My whole life is so different now and I haven't even had time to truly grasp what has become of me. It's funny how we define ourselves in so many ways, yet what is left behind when you strip all of your personal identities can be very surprising. I am starting to learn who and what I am so much better now. And it feels very good to be yourself.



2 comments:

Joe LoBello said...

How are you? I haven't visited heatherfink.com in a long time. I hope to see you this Saturday at the party...my stomach hurts...oh well probably just a cramp. Anyway I was just saying that I will definitely be there so...my stomach is mongoose? There is no way that my stomach could possibly be mongoose. I have not had enough occupations beyond Felthmore. Lester...how dare thee show thy face! EXEUNT LESTER EXEUENT LESTER! How dare thee accuse me of such actions put there forth! The mongoose can not take over a body of such magnitude.
NO NO!!! THE MONGOOSE OF FELTHMORE IS BEYOND ME AND MONGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSE! LET THE MONGOOSE EAT THE FELTHMORE!
I am mongoose.

Anonymous said...

Oh man Joe- I can hear your high school answering maching all over again, I believe there was something about lester and a mongoose back in the day- on top of some spotted tigers and condor girlfriends. If only we had answering machines like back in the say and noone professional called- we should all buy seperate phone lines just for stupid ass messages. I think I recall having a multi-mailbox system and have a voicebox for "Paco" back in the day. C Perruso I think left a message threatening to kill Paco. It was scary.

TTYL dude- see you at the partay.
-Heather