Saturday, July 17, 2004

Feeling a little better

So my parents came by today and helped me really get moved into my place.  It looks nice but its so big and empty in here.  It really seems made for 2.  So I really can't wait till I have a roommate, that will make this place so much better, and the kitty too.  Slowly and surely this will become my place, and the empty side of my bed will not be the place where Brian sleeps, it'll be the place for me to spread out and roll around, or maybe the kitty can make himself a nice little cosy spot over there.
And I ate a peice of bread today and kept it down.  I am a champion!
And some guys from high school, for you Roxbury readers, its Eli, Yoda (do people still call him that??) and Cummins, some of the silliest people I went to school with - especially when they are together- are gonna hang out with me here, considering my newfound hatred for bars- it's exactly the company I need.  Especially with Jim's infectious laughing and turkey trots and "zzzzzaaa"s or whatever the hell they are.
A big plus was for the day was my realization that even though I have this feeling inside me like what we had was so special, and this respect for him and love for him and who he was that haunts me- one thing that is very true is that he isn't ready in his life for a serious relationship.  He isn't emotionally mature, and even for the both of us, we are just such strong minded people- we weren't going to help one another grow.  So even if we did have something special and even if he some how is "the one", he obviously didn't know how to act or treat someone in a real adult relationship, and in his life, he has so much more growing to do before he is ready for something serious. 
And the mid twenties are the famous time in your life when you find yourself in the world.  I am especially changing in my life and I feel good seeing myself transform in the world and fit into it more and more each day.  He needs to figure himself out so very much too.
He isn't and wasn't ready for me in his life.  He hasn't taken the time to critically evaluate himself in the world and he desperately needs that. 

So lets see- in 3 or 5 years maybe he will grow up, and realize all the wrong he has done, and know how to treat me as i deserve.  Maybe in 3 to 5 years I will still love him somehow- but by then I too will know myself better, and maybe already have found someone better for me. Maybe in 3 to 5 years he doesn't grow and becomes worse.  And then I can feel even better I am rid of him.
But this is something I can stomach.  This is a way of looking at it that I can accept and come to terms with.  I got his damn underwear and computer and some pictures and some other things out of here today.  I smelled the laundry to see if I could smell him on it- and I didn't even recognize his scent anymore.   That also made me feel better.
But don't get me wrong, the pain is still far from gone.  And lord to I hate that stupid little plain looking 19 year old soon-to-be college freshman with no problems or worries in life from her stupid small town bitch. 

Desperately seeking small grey kitten who tends to snuggle in a little ball on 23 year old girls' beds.

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