Monday, July 19, 2004

Feelings

I am going to share more feelings.

First I need to give a shout out to my friend Bernie.  He is someone I only talked to now and then at GW, but he did something to really cheer me up, and that's really very awesome.  He sent me some candy, a dvd of when harry met sally, a candle and bubble bath.  Now its time for me to get Hallmark on you, because I think that its so nice just to see that people care.  Thank you Bernie.

I was walking through the town running errands and of course my only company is my thoughts.  I haven't really left the house much in the past few days.  I left the house and went to a bar on Friday and Saturday nights, which I really didn't enjoy, but I haven't been out in the daytime.

I really don't like being hit on right now though.  I doesn't make me feel better.  It makes me feel like I am surrounded by pigs.  Gross little piggies everywhere!  And every guy's face blurs right now into one mess.  I actually got that feeling of being a peice of meat again as I walked down the street and heard stupid little cat calls or whatever.  Right now I am thinking of back in my Sophomore year of college.  In the same month, I found out that there were pictures taken of me when I was sunbathing in Washington, DC with a telephoto camera.  A friend of mine discovered them on the net when he was looking at porn.  That just felt so awful.  There were psycho pedifiles whacking off to me somewhere and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then about a week later some guy pulled over on the side of the road in DC to ask me for directions, and when I went up to tell him, I saw him whacking off.  And then that summer, I was walking down the street with some friends in NYC and this guy was walking behind us whacking off; and there's still more!  The next night that weekend I was walking to the subway and this homeless man was whacking off on the stairs of someone's house!  Around this time in my life I didn't want to leave the house without a baggy sweatshirt on.  I just didn't want to be looked at ever again it was so gross.  Well right now I don't want to be looked at.  Brian makes me feel like a discarded peice of meat, being exchanged for something that gets him a little more, well, you know.  And before I end this paragraph I might add that this kind of incident happened to me again last June.  I was in Holland and I was walking through a park in a small town.  There was this crazy Euro guy jogging in Speedos.  He jogged past me, and I didn't see him any more.  But then I saw him standing in the woods just whacking it off like crazy.  I was horrified, frozen, I wanted to throw a rock at him but I was totally scared.  That really puts a damper on your day.  Hey men, you've got to start doing some catch up work cause you're not worthy!  (most of you)
Anyhow, feelings, back to feelings.

Many of my friends have been saying to get revenge on him in all these different ways.  The only reason I feel kind of convinced is because I don't want to be a fool and make this easy on him.  I mean he ditched me with this place.  I am going to be paying 1200 more dollars this year because I can't find someone to share this apartment even.  I mean, my friend is going to live in the living room and pay less, in my situation I am lucky to get anyone in here.  And he refused to take care of the place and pay for it either.  So of course I get the idea that I shouldn't be the one getting dicked over like this.  But I just don't like revenge at all.  I did do one thing thats harmless yesterday- he'll find out what that is . . . but it really turned my stomach to do it. 

I just have to believe in the principles that I have always believed in.  I started to feel this stuff slip away from my mind.  But I can't lose who I am.  And I believe that the good are good and the bad are bad.  The only punishment that bad people need is just having to be themselves.  I am so glad I am not someone like Brian.  I am so glad that I wouldn't do things to make other people feel so bad.  I am happy that I have more passion and caring for other people than he does.  I am glad that I loved him and he didn't love me because I am happy to have a heart.  It's like losing your vision or hearing- it's a sense, and I am glad I can feel in ways that he never will.  I mean he thinks he knows love but he's only touched the surface. 

So this girl is like this crush he's always had, and he just found out that he can have her and so he dumped me cold turkey- and somehow he's convinced that he needs to be with her right now, asap, no waiting- a once in a lifetime opportunity to be with this idealized crush he has had on this little girl.  This trophy little girl that he always told me about how all the high school boys loved her.  It's like a kid in a candy store.  I don't know what values he has but as far as I remember he doesn't believe in god.  I am not religous but I believe in god and I believe in goodness and the soul.  This isn't good for his soul.  He truly has become less of a man.   He has chosen lust over love and he is confusing the two. 

But still, as I walked down the street all I wanted was to have him walking by my side as he used to, holding my hand, and for some stupid reason I think the best feeling in the world would be to be hugged by him again.  And you know its just all this rejection.  To be rejected and unwanted and tossed out by someone like this, it makes you feel worthless.  To be trashed as soon as this one girl gives him the time of day- it just takes a huge chunk of self worth away.

And he has the nerve to judge me, to judge this blog, to judge how I am handling this.  He can't even let me get over this the best way I can.  So what if it gets ugly.  I deserve something.  Anything.  It is so fundamentally wrong that he is the one that screwed me over and he has her company right now.  So so wrong.

I guess some day he will face the music, we will all face the music and come to terms with the things we have done.  I can't let him eat up who I am, and the good parts of me, because I don't think I have ever been weaker in my life.  And if I don't get out of this soon he will have truly stolen a part of me that I can never get back.


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

oh but you have made others feels bad haven't you..

H Fink said...

Who are you? Um, I feel that you are perhaps suggesting something? What is it? I suppose I have made others feel bad. Most recently I told my sister that I thought that my neice was spoiled. That hurt her feelings. I told her that I was sorry and that I was just worried about her cause she is my neice too. So yeah. You are most certainly right, I have made others feel bad. What's your point?