Saturday, July 17, 2004

Goddamn it I am awake

Fuck. I woke up at 7 am. Why Why Why.

Nagging thought this morning- how could he just move on so quickly to some other bitch. Guess he's already quite over me.

And the hurting. The physical pain thing. How the hell do I stop it and how long does it last!

And how do you have anything to vomit when there is nothing in your stomach! Well Screw you stomach! I just put water and a tums in you and you wouldn't let me keep that! Perhaps it is the greedy toilet always trying to take more than it deserves.

And you know, something I know about myself, and that others tell me, sometimes to my disadvantage, I am a strong person.

But I am a person, and this "love" thing makes you weak, I think no matter who you are. It's attacking my system like AIDS on T Cells. All I can think about is how much I love him- but he has just treated me so badly. I can't help but think that if I broke up with him, or we talked it out and decided to seperate, I wouldn't feel like this. It's like automatic, if someone cheats on you and dumps you, all you can think about are the good times. It just makes no sense- because why would I want to be with someone who is treating me like this! Why would I want to be with someone who doesn't appreciate me?

God it's just not that. There's nothing rational going on here- just pain pain ouchy pain.

And I was wondering? Should I stay with my parents for few days? I can't stand being alone in this place, but I am not sure I want to be in my hometown seeing as how Hoboken is where my friends are at. Actually the most of them are down the shore right now and no one is here. Gotta hate how that happens here in the summer- often times the scene is dead cause everyone is down the shore.

And dude, I know I just need to move on to another guy, but it makes it so much harder that I am not a bar person. I know that the only time I enjoy bars is when I am there with friends I already know, and I don't really care to talk to strangers. I will never meet a guy in a bar, there is something so grotesque about it to me. God. Brian's new little hooker isn't even old enough to drink. That is so rediculous- the age of a college freshman. A dumb college freshman/sophomore! Could you imagine dating one of those!!! God you all remember being that age- and being 24 and going out with someone that age!

Man its just so hard cause the feelings I shared with Brian are not quite what I have ever felt with anyone. 

I really loved him- like real true love,  me and everyone who knew us knew that he loved me too with all his heart!  We just stopped having fun for a while - it was all outside stuff I know its true.   I mean how can he think this is something that is just easy to come by!  I know he doesnt love the new girl.  Arggghhh.
I just didn't expect it to hurt this much worse on top of before because of the 19 year old.  If what goes around comes around, Brian's stomach tumor and internal bleeding should be coming any day now. 

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