Friday, July 30, 2004

Good Morning.

I woke up this morning and out of nowhere my neck was all fucked up. This past December I fucked up my neck like this for the first time in my life. It's so bad that I can hardly get up, the strain on my neck from the motion of sitting up is fucking unbearable. And when I lie down I can't fucking move my head or adjust myself. Last time this happened, Brian was there. He would hold my neck for me so that I could at least sit up or get up. Now it's a process. I can't fucking turn my head or anything. God- so now I wake up in the morning, my heart physically hurts, my stomach hurts, and now my neck can't move. And of course when I feel this pain, it reminds me of when I felt it last, and it reminds me of him being there, and the pain screams to me that he is gone.

I seriously can't fucking handle all of this. Waking up in the morning and facing my life is the worst part of my day. After I have been up a few hours, things are ok because I have no choice but to accept that this is my life. And god, I know things can be worse, and that other kinds of bad things happen, but as my last boss said to me (we talked on a personal level), "Heather, this is about as bad as it can be for someone at this age in life". It's really really hard not to get down right now. I have certain things that are my MO in my daily life. For example, I try to live by a rule that just because the world is bad or people are fucked up, it doesn't mean I should be bad to anyone. I am very "turn the other cheek". I have a sense of what right and wrong is, and I don't let myself do the wrong thing- at least not if I know better.

And I applied myself- tried to reach for some high goals- I really want to strive for and work to be not only the best that I can be, but stretch myself farther than I think I can go. And I tried to do law school, something that countless assholes have accomplished.   And not only could I not fucking do that, but I missed the boat by a thread. I really did learn the stuff. I really did do ok. I looked at my report card last weekend and it's really astonishing. It has nothing but C's and one B on it- and I get no damn second chance. I didn't do that terribly. But here I am, a dream chased, time spent, and 30,000 dollars later, starting at the bottom, not using my brain. Not thinking, not stretching myself. On a slow, patient road of entry level jobs and directionless effort. It's a lot to stomach that I had my chance at a life dream of mine, went for it, and wasn't good enough. I failed without actually failing.

And I was faithful to Brian, treated him with endless respect and love and support even when he was being a total fucking asshole. I patiently endured his own issues and the difficulty of us both being in law school. I would've taken a bullet for this self-centered idealistic cold peice of shit. And he can't even do anything at all for me. He rationalizes and makes sense of what has happened as if it was all meant to be. He thinks that this is just how it happens, and it's just life. Like when he was tempted by the 19 year old it's some sign that this is the next move he needs to make. He is so stupid he can't even see that things happen because of your actions. This relationship died because of his actions, because of his disconnect from the reality of relationships- his only knowledge of people comes from movies and the warped musings of his antisocial self. It died because he was incapable of communicating with me, or acknowleging his emotions, which is necessary of people at any level. He says- well I know people who love eachother for years and don't have rough spots. Well I will guarantee that they have their rough spots, and when it calls for it, these people who are in love communicate and work out their problems. He seems to think that if there's problems in a relationship, or that things don't feel quite right for him, there's just nothing to be done about it. It is what it is, and it needs to be dropped. He acts as though life is some thing, and all the things you do "just happen" but it isn't that way. Everything that has happened with us is a result of something he decided to do or not to do. He fucked this up. He fucked me over. He rationalized the situation for the sake of satisfying some juvenille urge to indulge in this 19 year old, and also largely because he is to lazy to take the effort to improve our situation regardless of the fact that it has endless potential to improve.

And there were times when he seemed incapable of saying anything nice or positive to me. I have never looked at myself in a worse light or hated myself more. I remember there was one other time in my life when I had decided I had had enough of it all and all of the bullshit, and that despite my best efforts, the world was cold and my participation would make no difference. This was in eighth grade. That time was a time where my wide eyed young self had seen the world through adult eyes for the first time and didn't like what she saw. A large part of it is dissatisfaction with the cruelty of others. I guess I care a lot about other people, strangers, friends, anyone. I have a hard time accepting that other people don't give a fuck about people, and are capable of willingly being the source of someone else's pain. Something I hope to avoid at all costs. And maybe its boys. I just don't have a desire to lie to boys or cheat on boys, or degrade them. I mean I don't want to be with or marry every guy, but I don't want to use them or fuck them over either. In eighth grade I had my first experiences with boys and I just found it so amazing how easily boys will fuck you over, and that I am someohow naive and should expect to be fucked over. It doesn't leave much to look forward to.

I am really having a hard time stomaching that I can love someone and treat them well, and devote every hour of myself to this person and have them in my life for a year, and they can happily fucking dispose of me forever and instantly for some fleeting uninformed idea and some youthful dumb crush. Something that meant so much to me, and was under the impression that we had something real- how could I not, he wanted to move in with me as much as I wanted to move in with him- this something is now dead. And it was killed with a phone call from miles away.

How do I accept the explanationless arbitrary nature of these things? When people invest their heart and labor in something- anything- they do it because there is some expectation that this labor will cultivate something beneficial for them. With law school- I can't even get any of the credits I worked for- even the B. With Brian, I am left with less than nothing.

And I have always been able to see the bright side of things and the light at the end of the tunnel but I don't see anything right now. The things I care about and desire in life seem so pointless to me at this point. And the fact that I can invest myself in something and have it arbitrarily ripped away makes me afraid to start up and start over new. And I am caught in the classic existential absurdity of life- known as the moment when the pointlessness of life becomes so vivid and obvious, yet for some unexplainable reason- some kind of "faith"- the biggest asshole idea of all- you just go on living anyway. I am a Kafka cockroach.

And what's fucking worse is I hate hearing myself say these things and feel this way- but I feel so fucking alienated from myself I just don't know where the hell I am. I am truly lost, clueless, losing hope, and pathetically enough- giving up little by little each day. I miss who I thought I was. But I can't find a shred of me anywhere.

I am banking on time to be my savior. If time heals all wounds, I imagine it's going to take a lot of time this time around. And the menaces who cut me so deeply- Brian and Seton Hall Law School (aka "the system"?) are just such fucking peices of shit it's fucked up that they have this power to rip my heart right out.

But as every cell in my body tells me to drown in all of this and bury myself and hide, there is some sweet thing I am ironically thankful for dragging me out into the world every morning.

Maybe I just need to shut the fuck up and have a beer and some nachos.


Anonymous said...

If you give up now you are a loser. 23 years old, with an undergraduate degree from a very good school - the whole world is open to you. Many succeed with far less and others would love to have half as much.

Anonymous said...

Hey Dude. Just a tad bit o food for thought. No real starting point.

It's not that "all" guys are bad, or all "chicks" are bad(from a male standpoint). I suppose 99% of the population has been screwed over at different levels of severity regardless of gender, and I suppose there is that indefinite period of hating the other sex...then that indefinite period of just feeling like kicking it alone and not trying to mack on some hot tottie. What's I'm sayings here is you just gotta smack yourself in the face with the reality of it (which I'm sure you have already). Ya seem to say that you think you're at rock bottom, but there is that cliche positive that there's nowhere to go but up. You got a new jobby job involved with what you have always had a knack for...the entertainment business, actin a fool and making jokes and kids laugh and whatnot. That law school business is malarky to me (no offense, law students). You aren't the law-paper-case-fetching type anyhow. But I'm an engineer, so who knows. Pick yer chin up and focus on them positives. Or you'll get an ulcer. Sing "Bump-n-Grind" in your head when walking down the street, cause you'll probably end up laughing. I do.

-Old New Mexico Prospector

H Fink said...

Oh man, First anonymous poster- I know you are right, that's why I fucking hate that I feel this way but I do. - Heather

Anonymous said...

And might I add that it's not about the degree, the badges I wear or stuff I have. Wanting to be loved and wanting to succeed are important desires that preside over everything else. Yeah there's so much I have to be lucky for and appreciate, but I can't fucking feel it right now. If you saw me in person you would see a smile. You would see someone able to converse with others and sit back and party it up, but its just all packaging. And I'll keep up that behavior just so that I can persist. But underneath it all is one seriously disenfranchised person- and I can't fake feeling any different even if that makes me a whiney bitch. I guess I know well enough that things will change but my mind is way ahead of my heart in knowing that.- Heather