Friday, July 23, 2004

If I wanted to be on a roller coaster, I'd have gone to Dorney Park, Thank you.

Dammit, it's just all unplanned ups and downs. I was feeling up, sort of positive, able to move on. But then all of the sudden thoughts overwhelmed me and built up into a strong mess of feelings I couldn't ignore. Every little thing is part of a peice of a memory of something we did that I enjoyed doing with him. I walked past one of those hot nuts vendors, and I remember the first and only ever time I tried them, we got them together outside of the Barnes and Noble outside Lincoln Center and hung out there before going to see a movie next door.

I miss him when I think back I think about his calm and peaceful manner that toned my excitable side. It's funny- I always thought of myself as kind of obnoxious and loud, but my last boss told me he enjoyed how peaceful and collected I was. He said he liked how I would sit in the office, to myself, and patiently do whatever I needed to do, and then when it was just him and I, I would tell him all kinds of things. But he said he liked how quiet and calm I was when I was working. I guess quietness can be soothing. I liked doing things with Brian because I thought he appreciated certain odd things in the same way. I liked when he was quiet, but I could see that he was enjoying himself. I liked that he had responses, but when he shared them he would only share his most favorite thought about them rather than the whole thing.

It makes me so sad that we never had a summer together. It was always law school, so miserable, so time consuming. I wish we had a vacation, or a week with no time commitments to anyone- nothing we had to go to. Just time to spend and relax away from everyone- away from our parents and friends. I hate that he shares his summer with a new girl. Something I just never had.

It's so painful that what was done can't be undone. But I am honestly afraid that I could never be happy with another person again, and the only happiness I have to look forward to would be generated by me alone, by myself. Knowing that in spite of our differences and the things I didn't like about him- I still enjoyed doing everything with him, boring or exciting- makes me sad because I think I will have less of a happy life without him- and it has to be true to some extent. I enjoy doing almost everything more if he is there. From eating to sleeping to doing some activity. And it's never going to happen again.

And what hurts the most at this time is the thought that while I was loving every experience that we shared, that he wasn't loving it. That the moments I look back at as happy in his mind weren't enough for him. That all he remembers are the low times, the times when we went through stress, and when we had just been around eachother too much non stop and being together wasn't exciting any more.

Ok, I gotta go. I guess I am going out tonight, but I honestly wouldn't mind staying in and being alone. Big Party tommorrow night though. I better fucking have a good time and not be a sour puss. Maybe all I need is a nap.

A picture of me pretending to enjoy myself at a bar last weekend . . .
nice company though.


Anonymous said...

sorry, we tried.

Anonymous said...

Hey like I said- the company was good. Thanks- Heather

Anonymous said...

no comment

Anonymous said...

cummins your hot