Friday, July 16, 2004

It actually can feel worse

So I just went out to some bar with my friends. I was ok and feeling better when we were at my apartment, but as soon as we left, I felt even worse. I haven't been out to any bars yet since all this- just met sometimes to get a bite with a friend, went to people's houses.

This was horrifying. Seeing the couples walk by I felt like I was watching the ghost of my relationship, so dead, walking by. When I went to the bar there was a sea of cute eligible bachelors- and looking at them all made me sick. Each face just disgusted me. I just can't stomach strangers right now. And there were some calling at me to talk to me, at the bar and on the street. My heart started beating and my stomach felt more sick. I really haven't and can't eat anything- believe me, I couldn't get past one french fry.

I just felt like seeing all of those people melted my insides into pain. I darted out of the bar. I hope I can sleep again.

And seeing "Fink/Knowles" written on my mailbox as I enter doesn't help either.

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