Tuesday, July 20, 2004

It's Truly the First Day of the Rest of My Life

Wow- what a difference a day makes!

I woke up this morning after having a horrifying dream that we were still together, and couldn't go back to bed because I was afraid of dreaming of him, and then I take a vitamin, drink some water, and a few minutes later I am puking that up. I sadly take my shower and feel lifeless and depressed as I walk into work.

By the way, today was my first day at my new job at for a director/production company that deals mainly in making commercials. I find out that I am not an Office Assistant- I am an Office Manager. Fun. And it's such a beautiful office in SoHo- one the prettiest neighborhoods in Manhattan. And I basically manage all the stuff that goes on in the office with mainly the director I am working for, and then also with this other guy who gets directors for projects, and then there's some other people associated with the place who are Producers and the like. And I actually have an important job and people will be calling to speak to me. It's so exciting to me! And I can use the editing software to make my own movies on downtime. So ASAP, I am going to start on this. I can actually make my own sketch videos at work on the nice ass software and equipment that they have there. It's so unbelievable- I will get to do what I love for work! And I don't have any more homework!

And then I get there, and I drink some Arizona Green Tea, get some energy, and start talking to a man I will refer to as Kevin Bacon because he looks a lot like a young Kevin Bacon. He is currently the office manager and he will be around the next few weeks showing me how to do his job. He is leaving to write for TV in LA. Anyhow, he's a chill person and after spending time teaching me to do stuff, we talk and talk and talk. I am in a good mood and for lunch I EAT! I ate some super yummy pasta- and god is it good to lunch in New York cause nothing is mediocre here- you have the best of the best everywhere. Hooray. So through this talking and being in this new mode in my life, and coming to realize that I am about to be working at something I absolutely love I start to feel really good. Of course I must beat the dead horse and talk to Mr. Bacon about Mr. Peice of Shit. And I really got a lot out.   Oh yeah, and they have the radio on in the background, and I get over step one and can actually listen to all the songs without getting sad- and one more thing- I get to watch director's reels-  so I get to watch cool stuff and be entertained for a good chunk of each day.  Yay.

I can't even rehash all of the lovely thoughts I was thinking, but I revisted some memories- and most importantly, my own memories of not being happy with Brian. I remember saying to him about a month ago on the phone, "Brian, you are so quiet and seem so happy. That scares the hell out me because I think there must be something you aren't telling me, like some secret evil side of you you don't let out . . .but of course there isn't. You are just good!" But dammit I knew it then! He is a sick little evil fucker who decieved me and hid his true feelings. He even decieved himself into thinking he didn't really cheat on me. And duh, he so did. (Cause he didn't actually "get" with her until the day of or day after the breakup- and asshole- if you are flirting with and talking to a girl like she is your girlfriend, and exchanging pictures with her and dating her- you are cheating you son-of-a-bitch- you just timed your break-up cause it was about time to get your nasty wanker sucked)


I know a lot of the pain is from being rejected and from being cheated on. And also how easily he threw me away and treated me so coldly, and didn't even do it to my face. And the fact that he says doesn't fucking find me attractive, which is an awful thing to hear from someone you were with for a year- especially after seeing a picture of the new girl who is very very nothing special. Just plain- not ugly, pretty enough to get male attention, but seriously, nothing interesting- I guess pretty but never beautiful. Oh yeah, and the fact that she is 19 and all she knows is high school and I am sorry but a high school graduate has little to offer yet- they haven't even lived on their own yet or anything . . . plus you know how much you change in college- I know he became a different person from high school to college from what he tells me. And so he is dating someone who has yet to find out and develop into the person they really are. So whatever, sucks for him. That loser will be waiting around for her in the misery that is law school while she bangs frat boys on weekends. Ha!

And I don't care so much anymore. He doesn't find me attractive- well he used to anyway, something is just wrong with him and he wants fresh meat. I can't say today that I am over him, or that I don't care at all. I know that right now I just feel fantastic, but I know this pain is going to linger inside me for a little while. And I am prepared for relapses of missing him and maybe wanting to be with him.

But when I think about being with him, I think about having sex with him, or hugging him, or sleeping with him. But I don't think about talking to him. That leaves me to believe I just need some physical affection, and feel kinda lonely on top of rejected and perhaps that is all. Especially after I faithfully waited around for him and haven't gotten any in 2 months. I want to be cuddled with in his big bed, but I'd like to cuddle in that bed with someone more worthy and less retarded.

So I am snapping out of it. I am so suprised it's happening already. I don't think I will be at the stage of "what did I ever see in him". I know what I saw in him. I know that he will be able to get lots of chicks after me too (but I highly doubt that he will keep any of them). It basically comes down to the fact that he has a cute face and is quiet and doesn't talk to girls. He is too pussy to go up to any girl and talk to her, and girls love guys who don't try- I know that I loved that about him. He is also quiet, which makes him seem mysterious- but as I learned he is quiet cause he truly has nothing to say. And he's cute enough- and since there are few cute guys- at times- I am sure he will get hit on and stuff. But behind the mask and persona there is nothing stable or remarkable. I find his whole image so truly sexy. But it was totally superficial of me to fall in love with someone for their looks and their taste in movies and music and cause he is in law school (well I did also think he was a good person- found out that wasn't true later on). It's just all on the surface- all of it.

Plus he isn't even tracing his dreams. Right now I think I have his dream job. I know he is only going to law school cause he thought he'd be good at it, and he wants to buy sports cars. It is most definately for the money. He has no passion for law. What he's becoming is just so dull and predictible- so "typical bonehead guy"- (you know being with the 19 year old girl and chasing the fat dollar) it's gross to someone like me.

So anyhow, I felt great walking off the PATH into Hoboken amongst the other workers. There were tons of adorable faces in suits- faces of men with good jobs who are my neighbors! And in that pool of cute job-having men, there has got to be something- at least something that will bring me joy for a few weeks . . . which might be all I am ready for right now.

And I am as thin as I was in high school and it feels great. I see the body I once had and it makes me happy to see it back. As I eat more normally, I will continue to work out- just as I started a week before the asshole dumped me. I have nothing to hate about myself. I didn't do anything wrong, I have great friends who support me, I have the opportunity to pursue my dream, starting writing comedy again, and spend my days in the best city in the world. I am a good person and I will continue to be. I will never cheat on or decieve a man, and I will pick up things for people when they drop them, and I will be there for people when they need me. I am not wrecked and I am good enough for Brian, he is just not good enough for me, and deep down he knows and somewhat admits that I am too much for him. And he knows I don't deserve his issues and I don't deserve the way he treats me. So I guess I thank him cause I don't think I would've dumped him because things just weren't bad enough for me to do that. They weren't bad, they weren't anything after a while.

And my friend calls me up today and he is dying to set me up with some friends of his he says are just soo totally awesome and live in the city and he thinks I have to meet them. Well I have never really dated- but what the hell. It's time for me to start having fun- and going on dates beats bars hands down. Plus he is cool and I know he runs with a cool circle of people. So it's a good sign.

And I guess I am feeling this way so soon because I have been getting everything off my chest and into this blog. It's so great to realize that my longing for him is largely my need to physical attention and deprivation of kisses for the past 2 months. It's great to recognize that so what if he has a cute face- there's hundreds of cute faces out there. It's great to recognize that it doesn't mean anything that he doesn't find me attractive. He has weird taste anyway and the fact that he can't feel anything for me says more about him than it does about me.

So fuck him.

What a long strange trip it has been. I am so glad that my life is becoming what it is becoming and I can leave everything from the worst year of my life behind me.

What a difference a day can make. It's time to go meet a friend for beer and FOOD!

1 comment:

iluvnyc said...

Heather darling,

It will take you a long time to get over this relationship. No matter what happens, he will always have a place in your life. You must come to accept this. It takes time. I told you about how it took me three years to get over the one person in my life that I truly loved and even now, I'm not sure I'm 100% over her. Don't rush it. Don't rush into anything. Take it one day at a time. You are not going to wake up tomorrow and be over it.

Strange things happen every day. When you least expect it, something nice will happen. I promise. It always does. Today, I went to the Carmine Street Rec Center with my son to take him swimming and I wound up meeting a lady from Jersey City that I am crazy about and, believe it or not, she's crazy about me too. So, after all tis time, I may be dating someone and when I woke up this morning, I had no idea that today would be the day. The same thing will happen to you, but it wont happen today or tomorrow. It will take time.

Hang in there Heather. Take it one day at a time. Enjoy your life. Eat in NYC. Move to NYC.

I'm rooting for you.