Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Let the nightmares begin

So I woke up last night after having my first nightmare about this whole thing. The funny part was that it is much like what really happened. In the dream, we had moved in together, and we had a kitty cat, and we were snuggling on the couch and watching tv together. We were laughing and joking. This all went on for a while. And then I went to hug him and he told me that he hated me and pushed me away. And then he wasn't there anymore. Then I couldn't call him, and he would laugh and hang up on me. And he was just dumping me all over again.

I just wake up like this every fucking morning, plus I have this sour taste in my mouth from not eating enough. I just wish for things the way they used to be- they were so good. I mean I know I am better off without him- I would never want to be with someone who has this capacity for cruelty, and who is just so immature he never can even express his feelings or talk about us, problems or whatever. It is much like dating an idiot 15 year old kid or something who can't be bothered by the realities of a relationship.

I wish it would stop raining like this, but I think it helps me sleep. I hate being alone in that apartment right now. I think what I need is to buy a blow up doll or rent somebody to sleep next to me. Or perhaps a professional hugger and cuddler.

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