Monday, July 26, 2004

See you in Hell . . .

So Route 7 that connects Route 280 to where Hoboken is is flooded after Friday's fat rains. As I traveled back to Hoboken Sunday evening, to avoid the flooded road, I took the Turnpike. The freakin turnpike had a 45 minute wait into the Holland Tunnel - which is where you have to go to get to Hoboken. And it was one of those hot, muggy, weird twilight times of day. And I swear to god, as I sat there in bumper to bumper traffic, there were two airliners flying extremely close to each other and it looked like they were going to crash into the Goldman Sachs Building- Jersey's tallest, in Jersey City. I don't like this feeling. I didn't like seeing it and I don't know why they were flying like that. It reminded me of the first time the planes started flying over DC again after September 11. Every time I looked up and saw one I just felt like something was terribly wrong.

Sitting there a tremendous sense of how much has changed in so little time came over me. First it's the world. The changed meaning of seeing an airplane in the sky. But earlier this day I visited my sister's new house for the first time. Much like it was weird a few years ago to see my dad walk my sister down the aisle, I could not believe that I was pulling into the driveway of a house, and my sister and her husband's cars were parked in the driveway. It's weirder too cause its a house across the street from my best friend Kim. This house she is in is the American Dream. It's modest, but wonderful, and it's got a pool too. I can't imagine wanting more. I think I would be very satisfied with such a house even if I was super duper rich. And my one cousin just had a baby. For so long we were the babies- the young ones sitting at the kids table on Thanksgiving . . . And my Uncle Wim (in Holland) is retiring, and my Aunt Ellie and her husband closed down their lifelong business as Shoemakers (also in Holland)- and the whole town there considers it the end of an era. It's so strange to watch my parents and their siblings enter "the elderly" stage of life. Settling down and beginning the last march of life- not that my parents are retiring any time soon- we are the workaholic type.

And the day has come that I will not take out any loans. I will start paying off what I have done. I have no more studying to do. School is over. I am working a full-time job. I am 23 and single in New York City. Look at me now. And yet I spent much of my weekend revisiting high school. I broke out some boxes of old clothes and put on some of my favorites I just couldn't throw out. I went to the mall and shopped amongst 16 year olds at Pacific Sunwear and bought myself some Paris Hilton pants- I like them very much. I opened up this "event journal" I had in High School. I would write in there all of the cool stuff and parties that happened- the good high lights. Kind of like an old fashioned blog. I didn't tell secrets in there- I just recapped the fun stuff. I kept my old ticket stubs and some old notes passed. I have an old list of the boys I hooked up with in high school. It's immensely entertaining. And holy shit did I throw a great party in 97. Anyone reading this- do you remember that party? God it's just great reading through the Warped Tours, punk shows, crazy road trips, shore trips, and weird ass summer nights.

And there is something I am very fortunate for. I can look back and say, yes, I loved high school (of course I hated stuff also), and I really enjoyed my childhood. There's tragic shit packed in there too of course, but I am happy with what's happened so far. I am glad to live this life.

It's just harder looking at the future right now. I was with someone who I thought made every little thing better. And after tasting that it just makes every thing less good than I think it can be. Maybe it's because I have been waiting here so faithfully for him to come back as he never has. I haven't kissed anybody or gotten near anyone since May when he was here. And I can't say that I want to touch any body else right now- which I am sure won't be true when I am drunk enough. But still . . . I don't look forward to getting wasted and hooking up with losers. I just think that some local celebrity should bump into me on the street and ask me out. If I can just hold out for Hugh Grant, I think it could happen. Or maybe Hal Sparks. I am slowly falling for him on I love the 90s. He's straight- right??? Hmm, and Justin Timberlake is single now. He seems like he would be good in bed. My two favorites, Johnny Depp and Colin Ferrel are no good cause Colin is too slutty and I don't think I want to risk my health for a night with him. And Depp is married and I am not a nasty ho bitch. Well I am a nasty ho bitch, but I don't break up relationships . . . at least not after that one time when I was 15 . . .

And something I am not sure to come to grips with is the fact that I am relating to Avril Lavigne. I don't think I should, but she has this new song. Here's the lyrics:
So much for my happy ending

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something you said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead held up so high
On such a breakable thread

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending

You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do

You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

A picture I took on my recent vacation to hell.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hal sparks is hot...yes indeed he is.