Sunday, July 18, 2004

Sick as FUCK

SO of course I have been having this not sleeping or eating and vomiting thing. And believe me, I want to eat so bad and I want to sleep so bad. When I lie down my body hurts, and then I can't lie down, and if I do sleep and I wake up just half way- it's all over, I can't sleep. I can't be put to rest with all of these fucked up thoughts. I just wish I could check my ass into some hospital, but I know that it's just fucking heartbreak- and my cure is eating and sleeping. I also know I am such a fucking optimist that I can get my attitude together and be strong and everything. But the physical pain is just getting in the way of all that. I mean, maybe I wouldn't feel bad today, but days of not eating is just making me feel worse.

And eating does you no good when it just ends up in the goddamn toilet.

This just sucks so bad- I mean if I had cheated on him, or taken him for granted, or been mean to him, or unsupportive, maybe somehow I might deserve this. But I treated him like a king, with respect and honesty and love. And this is what I have to fucking feel right now.

He should've just flown up here and beat the shit out of me, maybe then I would be unconscious and not have to feel this shit. I just feel like a diseased old animal who should be put to sleep to get it out of the physical pain.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? But I am already fucking strong- all of you who know me know I am plenty strong enough and I don't need this lesson or whatever. It's just a fucking boy. It's just a fucking stupid ass idiot peice of shit boy. But unfortunately I loved him, and I guess this is how it goes.

I wish "time" the ulitimate cure could fucking move a little faster. This pain is so stupid.

But as with all things that are worth feeling sad about, its about people. People matter to eachother, and none of us are immune from other people. When Aristotle said "man is a political animal" he was only scratching the damn surface.

For every one out there who has had a death, or disease, or a loss of some kind, oh I don't know, I have just seen so many of my friends be so amazing to people and make sacrifices for others in their lives. You know who you are and don't ever give up.

Like when we were taking care of my grandmother. She was paranoid schidzophrenic and lived in our house from when I was 15 to when I was 21. My mom left her home in Holland when she was 19 and came to America. I know that every once in a while she would have this insane homesickness and just cry. And her brothers and sisters are so close to her, and all they have is the telephone and occasional visits and letters. And I just see so much love. And my mom lost her mom a while back, but she slaved over my dad's mom when she lived with us. As horrible as it was to deal with her, my mom sucked it up and never gave up. We could've put her away in a home or institution, but that's just not how to treat people.

No matter what, never ever lose sight of how important it is to treat other people with care and respect. Especially those who love you and those who you love. But especially those who love you. No matter what shit you go through, don't become embittered and cold. Don't ever shut other people out.

Duh, I just thought about this episode of Tiny Toons where they found the secret of life and it was "friends". Don't ask my why I remember that. Man is that shit true.

Gandhi, Thick Nayt Hanh, those dudes are so right. It's all about love, patience, tolerance, other people.

Writing this helps make my situation seem so much less important. But if you let someone in your life, and there's love, there is so much potential for real pain. It's just not a game.


2 comments:

seeelle1 said...

It is Sunday. Go to NYC, go to "Spice" for a great Thai meal and then go to "Boom" or "Panagea" I promise you will feel better. He was no John Stamos.

seeelle1 said...

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