Friday, July 16, 2004

So much worse than I thought he was

There is and was another woman.  I just found out last night and here I am at 6am, I woke up too early and I can't go to sleep.  My stomach is killing me.  It's just so horrible to think, he is happy right now, and he was just a fucking liar.  A total fucking liar.  And this tops the list of why no woman could ever want a peice of shit like him.
And he doesn't admit any real guilt.  After everything we went through, he doesn't really feel bad that he is putting me through this.  And I found out on my own unfortunately. 
It's a blessing as well as a stab through my heart.  I know he is a worthless person.  Of all of my male friends who have been stupid kids, and even cheated, none of them have laid it down like this.
And I know that Brian has some friend out there who is reading this blog and thinks that I've lost my mind or something- but hey lady- fuck you.  You haven't had to be on the recieving end of this and it hurts!  So just suck it up because you never went out with him and going out with him is a miserable experience!
And this dumb 19 year old he is with now is so naive to be with him when he obviously has shown his colors with me to be with someone for a year and in love with them enough to be moving in with them, and just kicking me to the curb and happily picking up some other girl.   How could you be with a monster like that?  He is being the exact same with her as he was with me, and he only enjoyed the famous "honeymoon" part of the relationship- the happy first part that you are able to feel that way with absolutely every one and every thing when a relationship is new.  But when the "going gets tough" he just fucking up and left.  Well whatever, she is in the middle of nowhere Florida, and I understand there are slim pickins, and it doesn't really matter, and shouldn't matter to me. 
And I KNOW I am better off without him, I can do better, and damn you know- I've never had a problem having boys like me- I know.  And I even have male friends I enjoy spending time with more so than with Brian.  But it just hurts, and it's just going to take time to get over.  Sweet lovely time.  And I just found out, and it's Friday, and a few guys have been calling, interested in dating or whatever, and all I need is a new guy in my life to get my mind off of it, and to treat me with the dignity and respect I deserve.
Because that is what I deserve.

This is a lesson that I didn't want to and didn't need to learn, and I would happily erase him from my life in a second because he taught me nothing.  It's not like I didn't learn that when I was 14, men can be assholes.  An idiot like Brian had so little to offer, other than mutual interest in music and movies, and this "boyish charm" which is really just this quietness he uses to mask that he really has nothing to say.
I haven't been through much death, but my mom said this feels as bad as death because when this happens its like the person dies on you, or at least he is dead to me.  There is nothing more I would like than for him to get hit by a bus right now.  I would be relieved that the world could take a sick fuck like that off the streets.
And this is who he is- a boring small town wanna be lawyer who has shit grades in law school anyway, and a sleezy untrustworthy little swine of man- the exact kind that makes lesbians lesbians.
But alas, it is Friday, and I start that job for a few days as a Production Assistant.  And more than half of the office is cute boys.  And they are funny too.  God bless distractions, and god bless the wonderful life I have ahead of me.  God bless the fact that I can be rid of this disgusting person.  God bless the fact that I have everything it takes to move on.
And god bless my cousin Ross and his new baby, and all of the happiness that life can bring when you are with good people.  Here is the mother, Alison, with their new baby, Jack.  Welcome to the world Jack!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

better days lie ahead. stay strong. bp.