Monday, July 19, 2004

Who The Hell Knows what helps . . .

They say it's important to know exactly what you want. They might be right. So here goes:

1) A rock hard sense of morals- a man who does the right thing no matter what, and when he messes up, he fesses up to it as soon as possible and who has a conscience.

2) Someone who appreciates me. Someone who understands the kind of person I am and who will be wholly satisfied with me filling that role of whatever in his life.

3) Someone who is thoughtful and pays attention to me. Someone who learns who I really am and all the subtle elements of my personality.

4) Someone who balances a strong sense of self and self confidence with a desire to please others, a desire to help others even if there is no direct benefit to him- he will smile at strangers, open doors for people, and pick up something for someone if they drop it.

5) Someone who understands people, and has a lot of compassion and has many friends who care about him and that he cares about. His friends aren't all assholes, they are fun, decent people.

6) Someone smart, ideally who knows about things that I don't know about and can teach me. Someone who think of things similarly but can bring up great points that I didn't think of. Someone who can point out ideas that I am missing.

7) Someone who isn't too serious, but still passionate. He would be light hearted, easy going, and chill. He wouldn't make a big deal out of things that aren't important. But he would get all worked up about important things- he would be able to show emotions if something is worth getting upset over.

8) Someone who is silly, and a risk taker while at the same time not obnoxious. So I guess he'd be funny, playful- definately really playful- but not annoying or attention greedy. Not a stand up comic, good lord not a stand up comic, but definately maybe a sketch writer . . .

9) He'd be free-spirited. The kind of person who grabs life by the ass and spanks it. The kind of guy that will cooperate with my crazy whims and go do something spontaneous. The kind of guy that will blow money on an experience just cause he hasn't tried it before. He needs to be able to try anything new- so longs as it's not nasty.

10) Someone who has their shit together and doesn't depend on me for anything but lovin. He needs to be focused, have a goal in life, have thought about what's important and has a fighting determined sense of going for it.

11) Someone who clicks with me socially- he will spend hours with me just watching tv or movies, but when there's a party going on, or at least once a weekend, he can be just plain fun when we go out- and actually talks to people and is friendly. Not shy but not obnoxious.

12) Someone with unusual taste. He is interested in culture, movies, books, and music that stems from his own personal tastes and isn't modeled based on what is popular. He can look or listen to something new and find something interesting about it. He can see beauty in all kinds of things. He will get off his ass and go to a museum with me, a concert, a comedy show, something on broadway.

13) Someone who is good in bed- enough said- but he has to enjoy pleasing me as much as I please him.

14) And of course he has to be attractive to me, but certain looks I don't think I could ever like. For example- I can't stand juice heads, or fake looking guys. He most importantly has to have an interesting face. One of those faces that the more I look at the more I can appreciate it rather than get bored with it. Some of the hottest guys I have dated have grown ugly to me over time.

15) And he has to be up front and honest. No nonsense and no bullshit.

And with all of that I think I would be happy as a clam. But it's picky I guess. I am kind of sure I need all of that. I know I could love someone who doesn't have all of that, but if one of those things are missing, I think it would always annoy me.

I know Brian isn't any of these things. But I just can't cut off people. I feel such strong connections with people I have had in my life- I always wonder about what old friends are up to, things like that. Maybe that's part of the explanation of my mystery- as to why the hell I still love him with all my heart.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Funny thing is that my therapist made me do that same exercise when I was trying to get over someone... It is a brilliant moment when you realize that the person you have lost was not what you even wanted.
keep up the nice work ;-)