Tuesday, August 31, 2004
Beau Soir (Beautiful Evening)
Claude Debussy, arranged by Linda Steen Spevacek
When, ’neath the setting sun,
flows a river in evening,
and the warm summer wind blows out across the field
Then from all things a thought arises to be happy,
and it counsels the troubled heart.
And it tells us we should enjoy the gift of living
while we’re youngand the sun is setting in full bloom.
For we shall go away,
like water that is flowing.
It to the sea,
we to the tomb.
If you're interested in more on Debussy., particularly this song- it's really characteristic of this time period, very much in line with Americans like Maxfeild Parish. It was a really nice time in art.
They have a new video up today, a cover of the song Against All Odds, and the song is really beautiful.
Featured on the soundtrack of against all odds, Phil Collins ,1984
How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
How can you just walk away from me,
When all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we’ve shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, oh there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me,
Just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against all odds and that’s what I’ve got to face
I wish I could just make you turn around,
Turn around and see me cry
There’s so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You’re the only one who really knew me at all
So take a look at me now, well there’s just an empty space
And there’s nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there’s just an empty space
But to wait for you, is all I can do and that’s what I’ve got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I’ll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It’s the chance I’ve gotta take
Take a look at me now
Here's my office, the space where I sit, Monday through Friday, 9-5.
Today's a hard day I would say. There's about as much going on outside me as inside me. Yesterday the PATH ride home was all fucked up because apparantly there was a terror worry at the Hoboken PATH and some cop overreacted and ran around the station with his machine gun. As it was backed up the station was so hot I was just sitting in sweat. And then on the path everyone was so squished, I started laughing to myself at everyone, someone noticed and he laughed with me. It was like being at a concert up in the front.
But otherwise the city is so empty and dead and it's easy to get a seat on the PATH during rush hour. The fucking republicans scared all the workers away. And it's funny how so many look the same. Middle aged married couples with really bad hair who like a lot like Frank and Peggy Hill. I remember inauguration weekend in DC in Jan 2001. I had never seen so many women in big fur coats with massive Texas hair, fake hot pink nails and hot pink lipstick. They totally uglied up the district with their attempts at winter fashions. And now they are in new york uglying it up again.
Maybe I should try to see a play or go to an exclusive restaurant cause apparantly these things are all empty. But I am kinda sick. Go figure. And I really have to see Peter Krause in "After the Fall" eventually.
Monday, August 30, 2004
That's me and my "buddy", she's got a fancy headset on. I didnt get one of those, just a cool clippy mike that the guys on set kept reaching in my shirt to adjust. By the end of the day I got totally used to someone just grabbing at the thing in the back and in the front and moving it around, I dont even know how many of these fuckers touched my T and A. But it was strictly professional . . .
Here's some dudes backstage. There were like 20-50 people working on this thing.
Here's the date's arm. That's the guy I was supposed to cream over. He was into mutual funds.
That's the GW friend that visited this weekend as we stand in front of the NYC waterfront and City Bistro. Unfortunately everything in the picture is on fire, including us from the looks of it, but I think it looks cool.
Ugh, and there are a few things I want to bitch about but I can't because certain people I know read this thing, and I can't pick and chose who reads it! As I become a "blog writer" more regularly I start to learn which things I can and can't say here. It's funny because on the one hand I feel some obligation to update the blog with important information, but on the other hand that's rather tedious, plus there's many people out there with whom I share certain experiences who I think want to remain annonymous. And I have revealed extremely personal things here, and seriously, I wish I could just tell the whole world the deepest and darkest things on my mind because I am not ashamed of any of it. But then some people freak out over some things I write. I seriously think everyone has problems and thinks some of the same things I do, they just don't say it. But now that I am saying some things I have to watch out because some people are bombarding me with "Are you Ok" and stuff like that and that's my least favorite question.
Especially when I am not ok, and I am letting the feelings surrounding why and how I am not ok swirl around in my mind, I don't want to have that process interrupted at the very moment someone wants to know if I am ok. Actually whenever I feel a slight bit off, when someone asks if I am ok or wants to hug me, it usually triggers me to either want to cry, or just break down for a few seconds. Sometimes whatever is up there isn't done swirling around, and letting it out before its developed into a statement or a conclusion results in a mental pause of unfinished frustration. Yes, my new statement for all intents and purposes and for all to know is
I am OK.
I am so OK you've never seen someone OKer.
So now that that's established and I sit here in the office chilling in my self-declared in-between everything and not particularly anywhere mode, I'd like to continue forth. Are you ready? Ok.
Out and about Hoboken yesterday I saw these police-type dudes chillin in a black van with massive assault rifles, driving slowly around with the smug faces of excited little boys. They were in psuedo swat gear, their legs slung about and piled in the back, almost stroking their massive weapons. Yeah- that's really freakin creepy. We aren't a society that's used to having assault weapons carted around by smiling officers, I don't care how close I am to the Port Authority, I'm not expecting it. So to all the officers out there- either walk up to me and let me play with your guns, or try to look at bit professional so you don't creep us all out.
Speaking of assault weapons, I of course do not look forward to the anticipated expiration of the assault weapons ban in the U.S., but I know someone who does. This would be my friendly ex, Justin. He's very cool, but very silly, and has played a bit too much Counter-Strike and Bond for Nintendo 64 and has developed a penchant for AK-47s. Although he would very much like to fire some rounds off on various non-living targets, I still feel that Assault Weapons should be banned, not sure why, just seems kinda smart, no?
I know what I am getting mom for X-mas this year!!!
Sunday, August 29, 2004
PS, the director of Robocop, Paul Verhoeven, is Dutch. Yes indeed. Hup Holland mothafucka.
If you haven't seen Robocop, its more awesome than one might expect.
And goddamn Garden State was good, and its predictable ending was ok for me because I don't see it as a plot driven movie, and either way a traditional ending speaks to things we might brush off as mundane actually not being mundane.
It was great staying in Hoboken most of the weekend. I so dread the madness of the convention that I have to face going to work this week. New York City is too hot and crowded for this stuff, unlike DC where there's massive feilds and wide streets. It's so peaceful on this side of the water as the madness burns on the city streets. But then again its nice seeing political ferver again. After the 2000 election a lot of the people I campaigned with were pretty disenfranchised for a while. We all really threw ourselves into that campaign and I am stepping back this time around. I think if I allowed myself to get as passionate about politics as I used to be, I would just get so frazzled cause what's at stake now is so much more intense and so much more personal for our people. Anyhow, fun enough I bumped into someone cool, who was on the board of the GW College Democrats with me, in Hoboken. Yay, I like when more fun people move to Hoboken, plus I so rarely bump into GW people. Cool.
Saturday, August 28, 2004
I often thought the easy or more obvious part was knowing what the right thing is, but the hard part was not having the courage or strength or moral tenacity to be a responsible or ethical person. But lately I've really been questioning what is even right anymore. Obviously a lot of standards of right and wrong are just social norms and are supported by cultural tradition rather than any kind of substantive purpose. But I've been reevaluating all of the standards and rules I live by that have even worked and made me happy. I am starting to think that I might be growing out of my old standards. And how do you know if you're compromising something when you don't even know what it is?
Ooh look, a blimp is in the sky. Yeah, my attention has wondered, I guess I'll be stuck here in the middle like fog between the sky and the earth.
*OH MY GOD, a man just walked by with a little baby kitty on his shoulder. Yay kitty kitty.*
So this morning after my buddy left I just chilled out on the pier in Hoboken getting some sun and watching the cruise ships sail by like moving buildings with non-moving buildings in the background. It's really freakin nice outside right now.
I am definately in one of those modes where I have so much to do I don't even know where to begin. I think thats probably the best time to just do nothing. Mmkokay. I already decided to stay in Hoboken for my evening festivities, hope to make it out next Saturday to LBI again, gotta start slowly on the PhD path, readin some info on the GRE n stuff . . .
Dude, seriously, like watch out, cuz there's something standing behind you . . .
Friday, August 27, 2004
I started feeling good after 3 things happened- 1, I realized that much of my pain is from the difficulties in dealing with the law school thing, which is something I can actually do something about, such as: 2, I started to realize about how much I want the Philosophy degree thing, and I've been talking and thinking about things lately that are making my soul just seriously blossom, and 3- I made an appointment with a therapist who I am going to see in about an hour. Just making that move to be like- fuck feeling horrible and hating life- I am gonna take care of myself and make sure that my shit is in check and see a therapist, it's comforting.
Anyhow last night I went out and partied and got drunk and had fun and felt myself for the first time since everything has happened. And being single it wasn't just ordinary fun, I was definately more myself than when I had Brian dragging me down with his crazy low energy and crapola. I talked to boys and some were actually not sucky. But actually I am like so bad at being single, I don't know how to do the phone number thing, and I forgot about giving out the wrong number to get the boy to go away so I actually was really stupid and gave my really number to a boy I totally don't like! He better not call ack!! And I even *closed mouth* kissed the most adorable and smart guy- and he was kinda shy too- bonus (I love shy). And I was in great company last night and I just got really drunk and stuff and it felt nothing but good.
THE NEXT DAY
Ok, so I woke up in the morning for the first time just thinking about the night before instead of the fucking pain and Brian and everything. And I didn't puke. And I took a new path while walking to work and discovered new beautiful alley ways and charming little hang outs. And I am in work for about an hour when the power goes off (just in my building), and they say it's gonna be off all day. So my bosses say I can go home- yay! So I decided to head over to NYU's grad philosophy dept, and I met with admissions and the department over there and it was so great.
So yes, I know it's one of the top programs in the country, but as I was there I felt that feeling I got the first time I visited GW. I was just like, holy shit, this is where I want to be and who I want to be with. GW was so beautiful and wonderful and I decided to only apply to that one school, and put all my effort into that school, and if I didn't get in, I would just apply to others. And yay I got into GW, me and GW were meant to be, and I loved it. So that's how I felt about this place. Everything about it is attractive and strikes a chord with the adult Heather I want to be. The professors there strike a nerve deep inside my mind (with some of their stuff I've read) and the students there I know will have the most wonderful things to say, and I would be able to step it up a notch to be in their company.
So I chatted a whole ton with admissions and we really got along, and the guy there seemed to think based on our conversation that I would likely have a good chance of getting in. And when I went over to the department and asked quesitons they let me know more about the program and what I should be doing to get in. And they also said from the way I was talking that they thought I am the kind of person who has a good chance. FUCK YEAH!
And then I bumped into a friend
And we sat down and talked- and I was beeming about everything, and we were talking about it all and he asked me what my thesis was about. And I started telling him about it, and he started asking me questions, and my brain was leaping into the thoughts I used to have. And he was making good points and I was exploring all different things in my mind. I swear it just energized me inside and out again. And here's why I want this degree- the learning- I want my brain to learn all these different theories and explore as much as possible. As a Philosphy professor and grad student I will have to write and research things, and I want to do that, and I want to write massive things and make myself let it all out of my brain. And I would be able to do something that is meaningful to me and think meaningful thoughts as a profession. Plus my mind would be so ripe and exercised I could create all the things I've ever wanted to. When I was active in classes as an undergrad, my mind was working well and I was able to make some great comedy and write like a mofo. I feel like delving into this deep a level of study I would be able to apply my mind to achieve great mental heights. And what I learn would just make me a better person no matter what I do, and I want that so much.
And we also went to this super nice place Dos Caminos and sat outside in the lovely weather and got that fresh Guacomole, which was just heavenly.
we saw the movie Garden State
Now this was a big step for me because I haven't seen a movie since Brian and going to the movies was something we shared, plus we had been talking about seeing Garden State back when we were together and were looking forward to it. And the music in the movie was all songs that we would listen to together, speaking of which there was actually one moment when I felt sad for a bit last night- when that song "Breathe In" from Dashboard Confessional came on- we used to listen to that when we started going out and do it to that album, so I couldnt help but think about him- but that was it. Anyhow, he would even send me some of the songs from Garden State over the summer so I could listen to em- so I was afraid to see it.
But fuck it, I was on a roll, so I jumped into this movie. And it was so fucking great- new addition to my top 10 movies of all time. Brilliant. Actually this is the third of new movies that actually have female characters I can relate to and that speak to the heart of me. I really related to Scarlett Johanson's character in Lost in Translation, to Kate Winslet's in Eternal Sunshine, and now to Natalie Portman's in Garden State. I swear, some of Zack Braff's dialogue is stuff I've said before, even written in this blog. Like one of the things he said in the movie I said to Brian a few days ago, it was so crazy. And I felt like Natalie's character was a part of me that jumped out of my mind and onto the screen, I identified with her so damned much.
And I felt happy seeing it, and then at the very end I felt sad for a moment because I saw that Brian and I were exactly like how they were. That special way the characters related was so much like how we related and felt together. That fucking high of love and happiness was so identical to us. And it made me sad because I felt like I was seeing the past, who Brian was, and it reminded me of that so well, that I realized that Brian totally died on me around January. I feel sad for him because he isn't really happy anymore, something is wrong, and he is like a total stranger. But I didn't die. I am still me. And its so sad because Brian used to be wonderful. Plus I did make him so happy, and if I stopped making him happy, its not because of me, its because he is like seriously depressed. I know he needs to find himself and everything but the life decisions and shit he says lately is so evil and fucked up, he is only becoming more like the worst parts of himself.
Oh man I gotta be somewhere and stop writing. But one last bit of happy, I am seeing my most favorite friend from college tonight who lives on the west coast and is visiting. YAY!
Ok have a lovely weekend, I have a shitload more than this to write, so watch out!
Thursday, August 26, 2004
I had always thought that being a professor might be boring- but hot young smart people exploring my most favorite topics- awesome! Plus I would have a chance to write books and things like that. I obviously enjoy sharing my thoughts, and being able to research topics and write would be so great- and then maybe I could go further and express the ideas via film or comedy. Maybe then my mind would actually be fed by something and I could be inspired enough to produce the things I want to produce.
So what's my next step? I think I'll just take the GRE's- I'll prepare a little, but I won't spend money on a course. And then I'll just apply for next year and see what happens. In the meantime I'll keep at this job and continue pursuing the comedy stuff. But this would give me something bigger and better to look forward to, and I always want bigger and better- which is ironic cause I haven't been to into black dudes in my past, but ah well. Plus I think I would totally rock a brown courdoroy jacket with leather elbows.
This picture has nothing to do with anything but I like it.
1. Garden State
2. Brown Bunny
4. Before Sunset
5. Harry Potter 4
6. Harold and Kumar
7. Shrek 2
8. Napoleon Dynamite
9. Manchurian Candidate
10. The Day After Tomorrow
And maybe also the Bourne Supremacy. Oh and I'd like to rent:
1. Bubba Ho-Tep
2. 13 going on 30
4. Mystic River
5. Bad Santa
Actually screw this list, there's too many.
And Bjork has a new CD coming out- yay! And on this one she's got Mike Patton of Faith No More/Mr Bungle and Rahzel. Yay! Finally my favorite artists are coming out with new stuff, like NIN who's releasing "Bleed Through" soon. Now I just need the Wu-Tang to cut some new shizit and I am well on my way to being musically pleasured.
And on the topic of music I just thought about the scariest music video ever, Genesis' Land of Confusion with all the evil puppets.
It's just so so awful. Bad Phil Collins, bad. Mr. Collins, you should've made it less scary and more whimsical like Mr Gabrial's Sledgehammer.
I guess I thought that since I hated law school so much and recognized after working at a law firm that it is all not quite right for me, that I was "over" it all. But it's not just about that. I have never been out of school. I have never not had school to go to in the fall and I wasn't quite ready for it all just yet. I only had a matter of weeks to just accept that the life I had prepared for and anticipated wasn't going to materialize as I had intented it to. Plus the whole not getting anything back for all of the work that I have done element of this is a little hard to handle. That for all of the shit and misery I put up with, I wasn't able to walk away with anything- but an "experience" of course, but owing all of these loans I think I just took a huge step backwards.
Before I left for law school, I was offered a full-time job at a friendly Georgetown law firm, and I was cast for a part in a professional comedy group- but I turned down both fucking offers! I want so desperately to be moving forward instead of being in this unsatisfying "figuring myself out" stasis I am in. Right now I am basically the personal assistant to these guys I work for. And they are cool, and I like them, but I am merely supporting them and not actually producing anything representative of my own labor. But I mean, it's ok because we all have to start at the bottom they say. My problem is that I've never been good at doing easy or simple things. But I can do compicated and challenging things. That's also a huge reason why I miss school. I wish I could be challenged. Law school wasn't mentally challenging in the least. It was just insanely tedious and draining. The info was in my brain, but I guess it wasn't drilled in the "right" way- and to this day I don't know what the fuck little exam detail really even makes a difference because the grading is so bizarre.
And back to whether or not I am ok- I hope to regain the distance between Brian that I need because whenever I talk to him he continues to say completely fucked up things to me. He talks to me lately because he says he's concerned about me, yet when we talk, he just uses the conversation as an opportunity to defend himself and re-state all of the hurtful things he's said before. It's just like- ok- I've heard it- but right now the only good you are to me is if you can offer me some of the supportiveness that you were able to offer me in the past. And he needs to stop defending himself to me. He just can't even be supportive without trying to somehow use me to make himself feel better. And I swear he wants my friendship just so that he can live with himself. He wants to laugh with me and joke around with me, but he doesn't deserve to experience my better side or my companionship. And sometimes- just sometimes he'll say things that'll seem like he's coming around and starting to understand exactly what he's done, but then he turns right back around and his words are those of an infantile man-child. Sometimes it even sounds rehearsed- like some bullshit he's been feeding himself and repeating to himself. I really don't want to ever see him again and I want to stop talking to him. He says he wants to go to Florida, and maybe he can and just melt into his middle-of-nowhere world where only 100 people will know he even exists. I can't imagine this desire to be average and unnoticed that he has, but he's succeeding. All that he was last year that made him stand out was my boyfriend. I would just talk to everyone, and he'd be my arm candy and make friends that way- at least outside of the two people he talked to before. Oh man, yes, I am really hating him.
Anyhow, right now I'd say I am a lighter without any lighter fluid. I've got big n bad sparks in me but I can't light any freakin flames and so for now, I am kind of useless and incapable of performing as I normally do. I'll figure something out. It takes time they say, but right now, time has not kicked in and it feels quite bad.
Bring signs, bring yourself, bring friends. Get energized. Start the weekend right!
Meet up at 5:30 at
Morris County Democratic Headquarters
11 Washington Street
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Well I got NYU, New School and Columbia to send me an application. Rutgers actually has an amazing program too- and they are really affordable- but I'd rather pay out my ass than not live in NYC. And I was thinking about my fellow philosophy majors and classmates at GW. God did I love em. I almost never hung out with most of them outside of class, but some people just had amazing ideas, I loved hearing them and spitting out my ideas and hearing them criticized. And there were some cute ones, but I almost liked them so much I never wanted them to know I thought they were cute. I guess I do that sometimes- I'd rather be a friend with a guy I am attracted to then find out they might not be interested in me- that's pretty wussy, huh?
But there was this one guy who I had liked in class. He looked like a cross between Alec Baldwin and David Schwimmer, dark hair, bright blue eyes, scruffy face- and he had a fascinating mind.
And one night we were out at a bar- I think it was "Froggy Bottom" for the DC people out there. I think I wasn't even 21 at the time- a Sophomore, and he was a Senior. And this is a pitchers of beer and pool tables kind of place. He saw me there, and I hadn't usually seen him outside of class so I guess we were very talkative. We were just talking and drinking all night. At the end of the night I went to leave, a friend of mine was going to meet me at my apartment because she wanted to sleep there or something like that. And then the guy followed me out and asked if he could walk me home. I said to him "I guess so, but just a walk, that's it" As far as I remember he was coming on really strong, and cute as he was, usually if I actually like a guy I won't let a hook-up happen until later on- at least days later. . . He was like- fine I just want to talk with you more.
Then we walked back to my place to the front door, we sat and talked a bit more and then I said goodnight and went into the building. Then I got a knock on my door. I opened and thought it was my friend from down the hall but it wasn't. It was him. I was like- how did you get here? He was like- oh I followed someone in, and I said- how did you find my room? And this is a dorm (co-ed) and he said that he saw that I had signed someone in and my room number was there. Ah really- well then my friend you are fucking nuts! I thought. And so I said what do you want? And he said- to kiss you- and I said- you're crazy, go home. And then he ran into my apartment and threw himself on my bed. I was just looking at him across the room- like oh my god, whatever chance in hell I was interested in this guy has just entirely disappeared. He was all "kiss me, come over here, come on" and I said no, I won't kiss you blah blah blah, and this guy wasn't leaving after a while, and then a stroke of genious came into my mind. I offered him something else.
I said, "I will not kiss you, but I can offer you a bologna sandwhich and a glass of milk."
And he asked, "Do you have cheese."
I said "Yes, and if I give it to you, you can eat it but then you have to leave."
I made him this sandwhich, with mayo on white bread, and gave him the milk. He ate it, I told him to get out (in a stern way, yet smiling, entertained by it all), and he left. It was in fact the first and only time that I used the bologna sandwhich defence tactic, but it was highly effective, for reasons that I cannot explain and have yet to understand. But after thinking about this story I went and got myself a bologna sandwhich for breakfast. It's nice.
Yummy yummy (and powerful) sandwich.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
I guess the true way of summing up what's going on is that I don't know how to cope with the pain that I am feeling. I have previously been equipped to take a lot of blows. Usually when frustration or sadness build up inside of me I just let it all out- I'll cry or something, sleep on it, and the bad feelings just go away and the next day is a new day- no problem. This time no matter how much I cry, it's just not working. I am not able to think straight on a daily basis and my sense of self and judgment are extremely blurred and recognizing all of this doesn't change a damned thing. It is truly overwhelming me to deal with both my new life- the law school thing- and the Brian thing. I have always been able to have a real grip on myself and on my choices.
I have also always been extremely motivated and optimistic and the person to talk to when you are feeling all messed up and need advice, but now all of the words I have spoken and believed aren't worth a damned thing. I have always been able to streamline the mess of thoughts in my mind- focus, and have a lot of direction. I always set goals for myself and see to it that I carry them out- but now I don't know exactly enough what I want on top of the fact that I am thinking the most absurd thoughts in the world.
People I know have said to me in a fight or a moment of frustration something along the line of "Well I am not perfect like you" or "well then I guess you're perfect". And I know why. I have always been this solid inpenetrable person. So accepting of my own flaws and the world's flaws that none of it ever phased me or threw me off balance. Being a good person and doing the right thing no matter what life throws you has always motivated me in everything I did, and satisfied me.
But now for the first time it hasn't mattered at all that I did everything right, and that I was good and that I was a good enough law student and a good girlfriend. I lost both of these things without really fucking up. I can't look back at what I did in law school and think for a second that I didn't know the material well enough because I did. And I can't look back at me and Brian and say that I did anything wrong, because he fucked up and he even says he was happy with me, but in the end he thinks he can be even happier so he wanted to end it before it got too good again. It obviously ended because he's fucked up- but that's out of my hand.
It's just my knowing that no matter what I do or how I live, I can't make the world a good place to be and I can't make people be good to each other. And perhaps my problem is that I have been able to control my life a whole lot up until now. I chose who I associate with, avoid assholes, and try to do amazing things with my life. But finally I've been blasted with a massive dose of reality, something I am sure that other people have experienced. I am absolutely certain that I am not alone in that I feel so much pain right now, and that knowledge doesn't help either.
I want to know people who are truly happy because of conscious life choices who have good heads on their shoulders. I discount people who say they are happy, but it's just because they are stupid or have lots of money and don't know any better. I want to know a thinking person who has gone through life with self awareness and wisdom and who is truly happy. I want to know that that person has been caught off guard too.
Well I obviously don't know what the hell to say or think anymore but I am just going to keep on talking and talking because I DO know how to do that and it definately helps me figure things out. And I need to move on because a huge part of what I plan to do next is to write funny stuff and I am definately not very funny lately.
The event will be headlined by renowned cover band Parrotville.
Tickets can be purchased for $35 per person by calling (732) 496-7915 in advance. Tickets can also be reserved by emailing Democrats2000@aol.com or purchased at the door.
I think I'd like to go to this, and of course I'd like to promote it to those like minded peoples who might be interested (and don't forget about my lady Shayna's shirts- "Save the Trees, Not the Bushes, which she shall be selling at various locations in NYC- email me for more info on that, and you can get it at her website: www.shaynakulik.com.
So my battery died on my camera and I didn't get the Elimidate pics out of it yet, but- here's LBI- the most beautiful beaches in all of the land!
On a cloudy day . . .
That's us celebrating the man in the white hair's birthday. He's my mom's best friend's husband, and he's one of the best people I've ever met. He reminds me of Roberto Begnini and is most certainly the most optimistic man alive. We had the lobster and crab special feast. I really like feasting so this was a good thing. The young men at the table are the sons of my mom's best friend and their cousins. I grew up with these young men and they are the closest thing to brothers I've ever had. I actually didn't know that they were coming this year, so it was a nice surprise. We have been going to LBI every summer all together since I was like 11, and last year was the first year we didn't go. Anyhow, more photo fun:
Dara came with me the first day. We all met at this bar that had the worst cover band ever- who made every single fun hapy song into the boringest song in the world. And we were just about the only young people in there, and about 50 to 100 middle aged folks were kickin it. If you look harder you can see that I have an ultra cool glow-necklase headband on my head because I am rockin out. After that we left the bar and went to the boys' beach house and it was pouring out and Dara didn't want to have every one pile in the car because she didn't want to get pulled over. I am quite certain that they didn't like when we drove past them as they walked in the rain. But wet is good- no?
And the weather was good, it did rain a bit and get cloudy on most days, but every day we were able to get in some sun. The beach and bay are so healthy there. They really keep it clean, it's so nice. There were dolphins and porpises swimming in the ocean, and little baby purple clams all over crawling into the sand. And we ate lots of seafood. When my dad discovered that you could dig for fresh clams in the bay he started eating buckets of em every day. Oh yeah, and Matt caught tons n tons of crabs because in my opinion he is an expert crabberman. One especially cool thing was when we visited one of our parent's friends who has a majorly pimped out beach house in LBI on the bay. This house could totally be in "Cribs". It's on the bay with a hot tub on the roof, marble all over the damned place, cool sculptures, and of course the house's owner had two sons who made sure to keep a fresh kegger of Yuengling on tap at all times, cause ya never know when you are gonna need that.
The expert crabberman.
And I dare not forget the best part of the week when Joe talked on his cell phone.
I do have more fun pics, but I'll put em up later when I get new batteries for my stupid camera cause the rechargable ones aren't working. Grr.
Monday, August 23, 2004
My law school transcript
Unofficial PROFESSIONAL ACADEMIC RECORD
LAW 6001CC CIVIL PROCEDURE I C 2 4.00
LAW 6003EA LEGAL RES & WRITING I IP/B 2 6.00
LAW 6005CC CONTRACTS D 5 5.00
LAW 6008CC TORTS I C 4 8.00
LAW 6010GG PROPERTY I C+ 2 4.66
AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA
Current 15 15 15 27.66 1.844
Cumulative 15 15 15 27.66 1.844
LAW 6002CC CIVIL PROCEDURE II C- 3 5.01
LAW 6004EA LEGAL RES & WRITING II B 1 3.00
LAW 6011GG PROPERTY II C 3 6.00
LAW 6015CC CONSTITUTIONAL LAW C 5 10.00
AHRS EHRS QHRS QPTS GPA
Current 12 12 12 24.01 2.001
Cumulative 27 27 27 51.67 1.914
-----------End of PROFESSIONAL ACADEMIC RECORD--------------
Also- there's been a few out there "making fun" of the website. Well then don't read it assholes. It's MY site and I'll say what I want to! And if you have shit to say about this site without actually having one of your own- suck it! I fully well know that things I say here can make me look bad and sad and embarrass me- but I don't give a fuck because I enjoy coming out with it. It feels quite nice. Plus some people have told me that it helps them to read because they went through something similar. Um, yeah, so in summation, if you don't like it, stop reading, dipshits.
ELIMIDATE (pictures will be added tonight)
This experience really takes the cake as far as me making an ass of myself, possibly. It really depends how they edit it. It was going to be on a beach but they moved it indoors because of the weather. We started out at a bar on the upper east side called "Big Easy" where they have beer pong tables (its a cool place). The first part of the date was fun and there was a good deal of joking going on. They got me to do an on-camera impersonation of my grandma so that's definately going to be super silly.
But let me let you in on some secrets of that show- they get you drunk and wear you down for hours and you get so exhausted and frustrated with it- they also pretty much tell you what to say and they get you really pissed off and angry for the show. So here's how they brain wash you:
First of all they tell you what questions to ask the other people, and then I think they tell the other people stuff about the other people off camera so they can use it. Here's the WORST part- they exploited the Brian situation.
There was this one super slutty bitch who was all like "What underwear do you wear- I don't wear underwear- what kind of vibrator do you have, let me lick you, look at my ass, I like to have sex all the time" and so they encouraged me to call her a slut n stuff and make fun of how much she sucked and how dumb she was- so I was like- sure- sounds fun. She also made out with him and molested him n stuff. But then that stupid girl was all about the Brian thing, and she badgered me with it- like - he cheated on you- you suck, why are you even on this show, you aren't ready to be here, you had two serious boyfriends in a row, you are so dependant what's wrong with you- shit like that. Every time I was just like- shut up about it, and she totally got under my skin. It was all hot out and each part of the show was taking hours to film so I was already tired and cranky. And they seperate you from everyone between segments so you don't know what's goin on at all.
And that bitchy girl was saying that I "looked like a dyke" and of course I made fun of her for saying that and got in plenty of underhanded comments- too many to post here- my favorite was when she said the word "contradictioning" and I said "contradictioning" is not a word, dumbass, and she said "yes it is you are so stupid" and I was like "No sweety, the word is contradictary".
Ah man, there really are too many details, I don't feel like writing them out, but to sum it up- the producers said it was the most vicious white girl show they ever had. We were total babies, at each other's throats, yelling at each other. I am quite certain the show is going to be hilarious, including the moment when I almost threw pizza in her face. I made it to the last round and then he picked the other (slutty) girl because he didn't think I was "ready for a new man" yet. I wanted to kill the producers for pushing my ex because that's what I know they did and they told that girl what to say to me.
And oh yeah- dare I forget the most humiliating moment which certainly needs celebration. In the final round the girl kept saying shit about how he cheated on me and rubbing it in my face n stuff- even though I was like "Shut up about it!" and "so what" and everything- and guess what happened! Well at this moment it was about 9pm, I was exhausted and the date had been filming since 11am- and she got to me. I walked off camera, covered my face and fucking cried. I look up, and the cameras had followed me, and then the douchebag dorky guy was standing there, hugging me- or at least going into a hug. It was total insanity. At that point I just wiped my tears and said exactly whatever they were telling me to say like "tell us how it was nice when he hugged you" because I just wanted to peace out.
But hey, I will walk away from it as a cool and unique experience, and I was tan and I got to show off a cute new outfit of mine if that is any consolation prize. And the "backstage" people were all really cool and I made friends with some of em. Yay friends!
Seriously though, it should be funny, in editing I might come out looking good based on what I gave em, but I know they could just edit where I got mad n stuff and make me look stupid. I don't really care cause its just a silly show, but man reality tv is stressful! I mean- it got personal- some of the shit is real, and that's creepy. Overall being on the show just reminded me of the fact that I am freakin ridiculous. I really am.
This is the first fall I have ever not gone back to school. My friends are all getting ready for Law or Dental or whatever ever other school they are going back to, but I have no new outfit for the first day! I remember my first day last year. I remember thanking god for the fact that I was able to take this path and live the life I thought I was going to live. I felt so fortunate that I had turned out as a person who was about to start a path to greatness, going to law school, being the best that I can be. Ah well, now it's time to see what I am really made of. Like an E True Hollywood story, maybe this is my low and it's time to pick my shit back up, make no excuses, and do EXACTLY whatever it is I can do. No one is pushing me, I've got to push myself past the unattainable normal that I can hardly materialize. It's just such a crazy change for me- no school- just work!
Ah fuck I can't do this anymore. I don't even want to talk about my personal shit here anymore. After this post I'll start telling you about Elimidate and the shore and happy shit like this cool old man who sits on Bedford every day and night and says hi to me and all the ladies as we walk by. Or stupid shit like how I went to IKEA with my roommate yesterday and I swear to god that an IKEA store is the manifestation of all that is bad in the world. So much cool stuff there, but every peice of furniture is draped in a small dirty child that has wondered away from his or her parents, and irritating people from all nations join to stand right in front of my fucking shopping cart which I most certainly did ever so gently "accidently" push into people who wouldn't move saying "Sorry, I didn't see you there". That store is a sick and inhumane human experiment- a massive maze you can't move around in with lines galore. But I did get a super cute blue hamper for 9.99 and have a cup of the magical Sweedish Lingonberry Juice!!!
Screw this post, gotta git back to work. More stories and pictures are a comin'.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
All I know is that I love him and felt feelings for him that made me feel better than I ever thought was even possible on earth. He said he felt that way too. He said the new girl doesn't make him feel that way, but at the same time he says she is still what he wants for right now.
It's all so strange, that he speaks so highly of me, can tell me that he is so confident that he sees great things for me, telling me how wonderful I am. It's so insane to hear that from the mouth of someone who doesn't want me any more. And yet he is sad that we won't be friends any more. It just seems that he knows nothing.
It's so not even about having a boyfriend or finding a new one or anything like that. It's about the fact that I was able to feel such great things with him that I never even knew were humanly possible and now it's over, and it just seemed so unique that I can't realistically expect to ever feel that way again.
Ah fuck- it's over now! If there's one thing I'm not- it's stupid- and I will never be stupid enough talk to him or see him again for so long as I live and for so long as I can hope not to bump into him.
HELLO new life- I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I may never feel as good again but what the fuck! That's life and I just have to know that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Do you think maybe I should also try some Neosporin? It can't hurt. I am gonna go fill up a bath with pounds of that sweet sweet ointment.
FYI- Elimidate and Shore updates coming tomorrow . . .
Saturday, August 21, 2004
And if you didn't already know I will be having a fall kickoff party at my place very soon, feel free to email the email that's displayed on the right hand side of the webpage if you would like more info. . .
Friday, August 13, 2004
I'm sure I'll have plenty of fun stories for you when I get back . . . stay tuned . . .
PS- For some reason I woke up this morning and started writing a sitcom.
Thursday, August 12, 2004
Anyhow, as I have been thinking a million thoughts, I am starting to get a bit more objective. A lot of what has happened and a lot of what had been said is actually kind of typical for any cheater. I have had a really hard time with my own self worth and feeling like I am just nothing if I can be tossed away for some small town boring little 19 year old girl. But that's not really what it is.
Here's my conclusion about him loving me/not loving me. He did love me absolutely and I did make him happy in spite of the fact that outside/unrelated circumstances made both of our lives unhappy. BUT at the time the Ashley came along he did not love me anymore and I no longer meant something to him. He no longer had feelings for me at the time and it had so much more to do with him than with me. He liked her. Getting attention from her made him feel great. I could not do that for him anymore because he already had me, and me being "into" him is no longer a compliment to him because he'd gotten over that for a while now. I could not give him that feeling anymore- the feeling when someone you find attractive finds you attractive is a great feeling. And it is so much more exciting than this girl who you aren't going to see for 2 more months who you just instant message and talk to on the phone to sometimes.
And seriously, he wasn't feeling anything for me at the time because he didn't WANT to anymore, but not because he didn't actually love me. If he acknowledged what I really meant to him, he COULDN'T do what he wanted to do- which was be with this girl. And I have to seperate his desire to be with her from his desire for me- especially considering his lack of experience and the fact that this is something that never happened to him before- an old crush showing interest in him. I am fortunate enough to have had that happen, and find out in the long run that those things don't really matter.
Just because he wanted to cheat, doesn't mean that I didn't make him happy and that I wasn't someone who was important to him.
When he broke up with me he had a mean and very terse tone of voice with me. He even thought it ok to insult me, saying things like that I would be annoying to talk to about it, so it's my fault he didn't talk things over with me- or that I wasn't making him happy- in his mind because I didn't have something in me to make him happy. But it isn't my job to make him happy. If he couldn't be happy with me- someone who he felt more love for than for anyone ever before- it's because something isn't right with him, and he is at a weird young uncertain place in his life- and most importantly because he has a hard time understanding what his emotions are telling him. But he can't blame me for what he has done and that is so insanely unfair and disrespectful to me and my dignity.
And he is stuck in a very infantile state- almost blaming the world and distancing himself from everything because he went through a traumatic time a few years ago due to a family tragedy. But he hasn't been able to grow past that. In many ways he is stuck in that state- using it as an excuse for certain feelings and actions of his- and it holds him back a great deal because he has so many unanswered questions. He feels that since that has happened he is on another plateau, because he cannot feel greater pain- nor can any other thing be more important. But he has to come back to earth and live his own normal life- where other smaller things do matter just as much as before. He also needs to acknowledge that other people can feel just as much pain.
He really did blame me for the fact that he didn't want to be honest with me- but of course it isn't me. Nobody wants to have to tell someone "the truth" if it's something difficult to say. It doesn't matter who the audience was and it wasn't me. I think part of the reason he was really rude and cold to me at times is because its easier on him if my reaction is anger, because then it's easier for him to hate me- which helps him move on and dismiss me and somehow feel glad about the fact that he got rid of me. But the truth is that he knows very well that I am a good person with a whole lot to offer. And if he was ready for a woman instead of a girl, I could offer him more than most anyone.
So I can't feel so fucking pathetic. I need to part with those feelings and take solace in the fact that this is his weakness and his mistake. It is not as he put it- simply that he doesn't love me and these things happen, so it's only fitting that he be with someone else. I made that man happy. We had a lot of fun together. We had great intimacy, and endless sweet moments. We shared a view of the world that was our own unique vantage point. I can take pride in the fact that I was honest and I treated him with the utmost respect. And I was not a fool for loving him, for he was the one who tricked me with the cold hearted blood in his veins. I can always hold my head up high and know that I know how to love, and that I am worth all of the credit that such faithfulness, loyalty, and compassion deserves.
I may still be plagued by missing him, a good deal of general pain, jealousy, and the desire to call up the kids in the mob who grew up on the street where I was raised and have them kick the shit out of him, and beat down that wench if she ever shows her face in the NYC metropolitain area- but alas, I hope that these thoughts will pass too. But for now I am starting to regain my self worth. Which is of course the most powerful thing any woman can have.
PS- I just saw McGreevey's speech- damned impressive.
at this website:
Designed by the Fabulous
McGreevey resigns today! (PS- I heard he was gay from insiders Waaaay back anyways. God I really hate gays who are in the closet. Come the hell out already!!)
Ok- so now I read his statement. "I am a gay-American" That's cool, and a pretty interesting sign of the times. I predict that this man will become and entirely different public figure and perhaps much more famous over time. Who knows what opportunity will open up to him as a poster child for succesful gay people. Ah hell, he went to Columbia, Georgetown Law, and got a Masters from Harvard- I am sure he will figure out something.
Garden State Parkway, soon we will be one, with your Cheesequakian rest stop, bright Digital Billboard for the former Garden State Arts Center, now bearing the name of the PNC Bank, your miles of wooden trees, endless tolls every mile, little marshy waterways, and two lane stretches where each and every beach bound jersian rides each other's asses as one motherfucker in a minivan drives 50mph in the left lane. Garden State Parkway, how I love that your exit numbers sometimes skip, so that exit 53 seems not sooo far. Garden State parkway with your Veterans Memorial stop displayed for us on a lovely brown sign, calling to us "hey you, driving to the beach, don't forget about the veterans, perhaps you will take a break and look at our memorial", Garden State Parkway, you lovely sole, I remember pulling over to puke on your grassy medians, upon driving back from a prom weekend, Garden State Parkway, you take me to the Stone Pony in Asbury Park where I can see punk bands and ska bands, Garden State parkway, full of state troopers aplenty, thank you for connecting my little suburbia and my new Hoboken to happy beaches, so that I may get a tan and show off the belly ring that I got on my 18th birthday. See ya this weekend kiddo.
Wow, a fake frat party at a bar? I think I can groove to that. That's a pretty sweet idea. Perhaps I shall copy that theme for my next party. Unfortunately I will not be available for this event- but if I were- I would get crrraaazay. I have found upon going out lately that I have a bit of an attitude goin on. Now I have always been a good deal "I don't give a fuck", at least of what othersa are thinking, and I most certainly don't give a fuck about embarrassing myself or acting like a silly nincompoop- but the "fuck it" mantra has been pulsating through my mind so much more than usual. And I make the beer my bitch. I take it into submission and down it like a 15 year old at her first keg party. Not to say that I drink a lot of them, I am a poontang when it comes to that. It's just that when I take that unknowing glass into my hands I devour it like the peice of shit it is. Perhaps its my sexual frustration manifested. Perhaps I just find going out so fucking boring sometimes that I entertain myself with beer domination fantasies.
But ya know what I really love? It's meeting up with people after work to get food n drinks. It's just so fucking relaxing, you can sit down, unwind, often times on a nice lil terrace, and enjoy wherever you are at a whole lot more. I guess I am not really in the right "place" to enjoy bars. I could give 2 shits about meeting guys, and I just feel so fucking sad right now in my very core, I just don't expect to be able to brush that off and toss it out.
In other news I found a theatre space in Hoboken for my new untitled Hoboken Comedy Project. There's really only like 2 theatre spaces in Hoboken, and this one place is in an amazing historical theatre, and it normally costs lots o money to use, but I talked with the guy working out a "deal" which involves us donating proceeds of show money to charity and me possibly teaching some improv classes without getting paid for it, and we can get our hands on weekly rehearsal space. Not a bad start- eh? PS- the students at Stevens, a tech college, are hot (and many are older students and grad students FYI- so I'm not a super perv into college freshman). It was really great talking to the theatre manager cause he kind of gave me a time frame- as in what times of year we could put on a show- so that'll motivate me to get my shit together.
Come to me so that I may take you into submission . . .
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
I just can't wait for this peice of heaven. (Long Beach Island, NJ)
It's so pretty there, far from the dirty over crowed shore spots. Beach in the day and bay at night- one of the most relaxing places ever. Hmm, here's my favorite beaches I've been to list (I'm sure there's way better I haven't been to!):
1. Maegan's Bay, St Thomas
2. St. John
3. South Beach, Miami
4. Cannes, France
5. LBI (NJ)
6. San Diego
7. Monte Carlo, Monaco
8. Scheveningen, Holland
9. Outer Banks, NC
It's just a preference thing. I like LBI a whole lot and haven't spent much time in the Carribean. Least favorite beaches include Seaside Heights, Belmar, Nice (france), Connecticut beaches, Delaware and MD beaches, Clearwater, FL.
It would be soooo funny to have a boyfriend via meeting him on a reality show, but that's not why I am doing it. I am doing it cause it should be a blast and I am in it to WIN! Oh yeah, and I get a "buddy" for the day who carries around my stuff and helps me get changed and everything. I like buddies.
PS- I asked why I can't be the girl with the guys competing over her. They said that the producers said they can't do those anymore because they get way worse ratings because the guys don't watch it. They like to see the girls competing over the guy. Duh! Apparantly they haven't filmed one of those all season.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
My body starts to shiver
I think it’s giving up on me
The tall tower raised inside of me is leaning
My solid foundation is ridden with cracks
Rock center all pieces resting on each other for support
Keystone jutting out so ready to slip and fall onto dead earth
If a breath of wind came inside and pushed through the cracks
I would crumble
And I crumble
I am shivering right now. I crumble every day.
The only breath it takes is a memory or emotion
Spawned by the fact that you are living and breathing and I know that
I cannot live and know you are alive
I cannot live and know that she is alive
I watch the footprints you leave in the world
Evidence is everywhere that you still exist
Memories like time travel bring me back to recent realities
So when I visit another day and sit in that moment in that time and place in your arms
When you and I knew we would love each other forever
When I could not imagine a world apart
When I knew you loved me and you told me
That you need nothing else
Fear bleeds a furious river
Someone who promised to love you
Someone who loved you
Someone who stood tall like the tower I once was
An unwaivering heart of iron
A permanent fixture
I am standing on the biggest bridge in the world
And it is collapsing right now as I stand on it
You were the sturdiest ground I have ever stood on
And now that ground is dust in air
How can I stand?
How can I walk?
I cannot trust the ground to hold my feet above it
The only solace I can have is in the bliss of ignorance
The only defense known to man is to forget, hide, and mask these kinds of wounds
I’ve never been a fan of caves
So I resign myself to this fucking field open to the winds
Accepting that I live broken
Life as dust
Put your cock in my mouth and pull the fucking trigger
I am your trash
You are my terrorist
I just ate some Indian leftovers, and seriously, there must be drugs or something in that food. Any tikka masala, butter chicken, vindaloo or curry is just so fucking good. I swear, that creamy sauce has opium in it or something because when I eat it I think my pupils dialate out of pure pleasure it's so good.
I seriously can't wait till I can move on from Brian cause I think my little girl hormones are getting kind of pissed off lately. They haven't been getting like any attention at all. If I could get surgery to remove my feelings for him, and it cost like thousands of dollars- I think I would get it. I absolutely despise how much I love him.
When a Sure thing turns into No thing, It's hard to believe that anything in life is more than a fairytale.
On another note, I do not like smoking cigarrettes, but I had one yesterday just for shits n giggles and drank a beer and the experience reminded me of my young high school days. I never smoked or was a smoker, but when I was about 14 my friends and I tried to sneak cigarettes, and I would get my hands on one and smoke one cause it seemed kind of cool. I remember hanging out with one of my friends behind a strip mall when she "taught" me how to smoke one, back in the day when the cool boys would be back there on their skateboards as the ladies sat on the sidewalk. Back in the day when we would get our hands on a beer and split it between three of us . . . Ah summer time . . .
Click on the picture . . .
Monday, August 09, 2004
And so I guess I will be seeing him when I get back from the beach. I have this week to get my shit together, not put off any left over "moving in" because when I get back from the beach my new roommate will be there too. I have to make sure I've combed out every last sock and pair of underpants from my things before he gets there so that hopefully after it's all done I never have to see him again.
And I can't wait to see him. It's like in Mortal Kombat when the dudes reach into the other dudes' body and rip out their heart- I feel like his fist is clenched on my heart and holding it stationary and partially mobile. I feel like I need to see him in front of my face, and then maybe his grip will loosen and he'll let go. I just want my heart back, beating, out of his control. Either way there's nothing more true than the fact that my blood is on his hands, even when he holds her hands. But he won't let me go until it is convenient for him. It is all so convenient for him. Fuck my life, my plans, my schedule. So long as everything works out so he can move on, but funny enough he already has. He's like heroin for a heroin addict. I want him more than anything in the world but I know he only exists in my world to destroy me. Tool wrote some lyrics fitting for who he is in the song "Sober"
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me. Trust Me.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
I want what I want.
And happily enough as I hauled my fucking mattress to my apartment, a truck was driving right along side me for much of the trip, in front of me just enough so I could read the back window where bid red cursive letters spelling "Ashley" colored my view. Ashley is the whoreface's name. So yeah, it was really entertaining.
Interruption- I see a naked woman out my window across the street. I think she lives there. She's really pale and drinking milk. What the hell?
Back to blog. So he wrote all these emails to a friend apparantly about how he felt about our situation before dumping me- thinking it over. I am so fucking insanely pissed that for all he was telling his friend he never told me anything. It really is like dating a high school kid- I mean he owed it to me to tell me all that he told his friend and its insane that he never communicated any of it to me. Why can't a fucking asteroid fall on him? Is it too much to ask for a crater right where he stands at this very moment?
The weekend was alright. I got to see my friend Tom on Friday. Interesting fact I never knew about him till then- he and his uncle designed and patented a highway in Chicago. Hmm. And then I went home and hung out with Dara and at my sister's. Had to bring the mattress home anyways. And I bought a digital camera which I think will pimp out this blog once I get it up n rollin. Plus I went to this "pajama party" at this bar in Roxbury called Mo's or whatever.
Me at Mo's partying suburban-style, attractive- huh? Especially with the red demon eyes and vampire mouth- you gotta want to kick it with that . . .
It was ok. Me and Dara did not wear pajamas. But we saw some old friends. For anyone who knows Elissa and Bobby- you've got to hear this bit of sweetness:
He rented a room at the Plaza in NYC for Elissa's "graduation" from college. Then they went on a carriage ride in Central Park to Tavern on the Green for dinner, and on the carriage he proposed to her- and they've been going out for years and a while back she kind of said a ring she liked to him- and he got her a ring like 2 times the size the one she wanted. Now I think it's all incredibly sweet, he isn't loaded, doesn't have all that much money I don't think- but he worked really hard and saved up. Now I don't think it's important that a man spend lots of money on his lady- but it really means something if you work really hard and it makes you happy to blow a bunch of cash on her- because it just shows that you put her before all things practical- and that you don't mind working your ass off just to make her feel special- and I like his whole old-school traditional theme. I guess to me it's more about effort than cash.
And I got Jay-Z's black album this weekend. Half of the tracks blow me away and they are really quite great, but the other half just cater to the commercial TRL bullshit taste- and they suck. Dammit Jay-Z.
One last lyrical note, he once sent these song lyrics to me from the band "Postal Service":
i'll be the grapes fermented, bottled and
served with the table set in my finest suit
like a perfect gentleman.
i'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the
ancient brick where you will sit and
contemplate your day.
i'll be the waterwings that save you if you
start drowning in an open tab when your
judgement's on the brink.
i'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
albums back as your lying there drifting off
i'll be the platform shoes and undo what
heredity's done to you: you won't have to
strain to look into my eyes.
i'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped
straight to the throat with the collar up so
you won't catch cold.
i want to take you far away from the cynics in this
town and kiss you on the mouth.
we'll cut our bodies free from the tethers of
this scene, start a brand new colony
where everything will change, we'll give
ourselves new names (identities erased.)
the sun will heat the ground under our bare
feet in this brand new colony.
everything will change...
Friday, August 06, 2004
And yeah, so I have been paid a major compliment by a man named Keith. This is his webpage. He was walking in the streets in SoHo and he was staring at me and I thought it was kind of creepy, but he stopped me and was like, hey- would you be interested in modeling for me, and I noticed his nice camera, so I didn't totally blow him off. And he was like, it's not fashion photogrpahy, but art photography, and said he thought I had classical beauty. Classical beauty, eh? Take that Brian! I got me some classical beauty- do you have that? I think not! So anyway, I checked this webpage from his card he gave me. There's not much but it seems rather good.
But being a photography subject of a stranger is kinda weird to me because being photographed is kinda personal and can even be intimate, so I don't know. What would Jesus do?
And have you ever played with a P Touch label maker? It's a good thing.
And isn't this a strange fact: I have found a use for Brian's clothes. Since July I have for random reasons needed to provide men's clothing for borrowing to about 5 different house guests- in non-romantic situations. I reccommend to everyone to have a stash of boy clothes around. It really comes in handy. And I mean, I did his freakin laundry for him before all of this bullshit happened, so I feel entitled to make use of my efforts.
Ah well, the bosses are out for the day, the music is up high, I have my Jane magazine- my fave women's mag, and the weather is nice. Perhaps I will sit on the window ledge again. I sure wish the phone was closer to the window.
Not too bad, eh?
I think the movie is coming out this month.
UPDATE- here's the correct image:
Oh that crazy Gallo!
I'd still bed him any time.
Moving forward, I had a lovely evening with a woman I had met some time back at a wedding I went to with my mom. The wedding was for one of my mom's colleagues, so I met some of her coworkers. I actually really got along with a few of them, espcially Ruth who is an ultracool woman living in the city. She's an artist, influenced by some of my favorites, Maxfeild Parish and Gerhard Richter. She offered to take me out to dinner, and I am going to make a website for her. Now Ruth reminded me of something I had learned a bit back when I engaged in some activities in DC with different Feminist groups like NOW and the Women's Leadership Forum. When I went to these events there were all of these older women there who were absolutely fascinating and fabulous with these intoxicating life stories full of adventure. Ruth is like these women. She just has such an interesting background of experiences, and more years and perspective which makes her stories richer, and it was really cool talking to her because she is single, and some elements of people's romantic lives are just plain universal no matter where you are in life. She once went to NYU film school among other things, and what I really enjoyed was her love of art and living it up in all different ways.
One thing she said to me really resonated- that it seemed with law school and Brian, these are two things I was really dedicated to, and I certainly wasn't going to give up on it. So the universe was all like, "Yo, Heather, no- cut this out- this isn't for you, and if you aren't going to give up on this path, we are gonna have to boot your ass out for you!" And that makes some sense. I mean, I was reluctant to pursue my creative interests because of the lack of financial security too, so now I have free license to dedicate myself to this path without regrets.
It's just really cool to meet people from different generations with the very same taste, like my last boss Frank- the other afternoon I stopped in the office and we watched Home Star Runner cartoons together- and Frank is a lawyer mind you. But he likes the White Stripes and Curb Your Enthusiasm and Kill Bill and Run Lola Run and Princess and the Warrior. And my new boss ordered this old Roman Polanski DVD, and when it comes in he wants me to take it home and watch it and I am going to lend him Princess and the Warrior.
PS- Have you tried MTV radio at MTV.com? Listen to the 100 greatest pop songs channel. It rules! And damn, sittin on the dock of the bay came on and I was groovin to it just like they did in that old "state" sketch.
The aforementioned artists:
Gerhard Richter (yes, this is done with paint and no photo)
also GR- and not a photo- it's paint. You should see his paintings of fire!
Maxfield Parrish- American Watercolor
and his most famous peice:
Thursday, August 05, 2004
I was talking to someone yesterday about all kinds of things. She told me that her boyfriend who she was in love with was cheating on her and dumped her and she remembers how painful it was and how weak she felt. One of the things she discussed with me was how you learn a lot from the experience, after it she learned to develop more self esteem and strength. But I have a pretty strong sense of self and I've always been rather strong. Actually what I have learned more than anything is greater empathy. I never understood why people would accept it if other people treated them badly, or even feel something for someone who cheated on them. I always thought it was so much more simple.
One thing that my brain knows and not my heart is that he is profoundly not worthy of me. I think even he knows that and says it. During the break up- he said- yeah, I think you're too much for me, and you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's like he is incapable of being good enough and is scared or too weak to be a better person. Plus I loved him with all of my heart and respected him endlessly and was considerate of him and faithful and also a best friend. I mean we had everything. We had trust- trust which can never be mended, and an understanding, a mutual love of relaxing together, a shared sense of humor and our own little world of jokes and mockery of every one and every thing else, and very nice cuddling abilities. And we were about to have this great little life. He would be at school studying away, and I would get home from work and put my things down, start cooking up something yummy, he'd come home and not have to think about school for a bit. We'd watch some tv or a movie and have our little kitty sit with us. Then I'd write some sketch comedy or something while he finished up his reading for tomorrow. And every night we'd have sex in some new corner or counter top of the apartment.
But that was how it could have been anyway. And up until my new roommate moves in the whole apartment reeks of what could have been and never was. People keep telling me a few things- like that he will remember and will want me back and try to make things happen again- and also that I should burn or sell all of his stuff. I don't think either thing should happen. But we'll just see how he acts towards me when he gets back up here.
And oh yeah- I have to cancel my Saturday plans because I just realized I have to go home and drive my matress to my apartment cause I won't have time to get it before Brian gets back here- but wait a second- didn't I already haul a queen sized matress into my apartment and wasn't it a real pain in the ass- why yes, yes it really was. And now it's time to do it again.
Anyhow, as I said I developed greater empathy towards heartbreak after having experienced it. And so many songs mean something different to me now. Like this one very much so:
Steven Tyler speaks to me in his melodic Aerosmithmic ways with the song "What It Takes":
There goes my old girlfriend
There's another diamond ring
And a all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story
Did you find another man
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made
When you don't look back I guess
The feelings start to fade away
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
Like you didn't miss a beat, yeah
Tell me What It Takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep
In the night, withouth thinkin' you lost
Everything that was good in your life
To the toss of a dice
Tell me What It Takes to let you go
Girl, before I met you, I was F.I.N.E - fine
But your love made me a prisoner
yeah, my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money
Then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep
With the devil in your eyes
Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dying
When you're cryin' for me
Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
'Cause i don't wanna burn in Paradise
Oh, let it go, let it go...
I don't wanna burn....
Tell it like it is Steven, Tell it like it is . . .
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Oh yeah, so a lot of people's comments are wiped out cause I was fixing up the site. Sorry dudes. I promise this is the last revamping of the comments.
So I have been feeling more enriched lately, after work I had some time to kill before meeting with a friend so I explored SoHo and man is it a treat for the mind and senses. I am just surrounded by sensory overloads. I went to this neat make-up store I had known about from some House Of Style Episode from back in 8th grade, and it's this super cool professional makeup store where the stuff is made from pure pigments and super crazy ass materials. And in the store were professional make up artists who do movies n stuff and it was cool listening to them talk about the tools of their trade. And then I explored some kick ass photography- this one place specializing in famous musicians from the past, and the apple store- which is a modern high tech gallery that is just plain beautiful. Then there's this neat toy store with vintage and rare toys, all kinds of places, and of course Anthropologie too- a store so filled with wonderful stuff I just blurted out to this sales guy "Oh my god there's so much great stuff here I think my mind is exploding." He smiled and said "I know." And then my last stop was a "tea workshop" called athelier and its a little zen like tea place where it's like the art of tea is amplified here. Weird, I know.
Back to New Adventure No. 587.9775. So I met up with Jakob who moved to the city with his friends who own/run Collge Humor and Busted Tees with him. I like the tees better than the College Humor cause the tees are genuinely cute and rather good. However, as far as I gathered, the College Humor site is not created with what the owners think is funny, rather they cater to a specific brand of booby loving midwestern frat boy sensibility- and that's not my schtick- not to say I wouldn't mind having a few midwestern frat boys scattered about my apartment, I just don't think we share the same taste- not that I don't love boobies- I just don't love sleeze.
I don't know how to describe the evening's adventure, but it involved placing leftover food at the top of the trash so as to ease the pursuits of the homeless, a deep delve into the water filtration world, drinking "daddy water", his mission to "replace" Brian in a very in the style of "The Net", a chance encounter with a gentle young man who had cool hair and was dropping out of film school to work for Micheal Moore and had actually heard about Samuel Beckett's films to my delight, lots-o-ball talk, and a deep interconnecting of Kelly Kapowski and the KKK. Oh yeah, the not-watching of "Thirteen" and of course more Ali G. Oh yes, and his requisite wearing of girl shorts. Needless to say it was an enjoyable melding of the minds and I am sure he will be quite useful as I develop my sketches.
I got me another meeting tonight with a Second Cityer who seems promising. So that should be nice, and I have a meeting with some one else for unrelated purposes tomorrow night in SoHo and I can't for the life of me pick a restaurant. Anyone got any suggestions? It's not a romantic meeting- if you recall I am not doing that. No dating- it's really weird, I'd rather just meet people in a natural and organic way, and develop attraction via something just popping up.
I am a little bit asexual lately and a little bit ultrasexual. On the one hand I have been checking guys out like crazy and having smut on the brain like all the time, but the idea of actually getting it on with anyone freaks me out and depresses me. It was shocking how much I thought about Brian when I kissed someone else. And for a little while now I have wanted nothing more than Brian and have been exclusively attached to the idea that he is my bottomless resource of "ass". But even if I could get it now, and even if I am plagued with wanting it at least a little, I actually feel a little vomitacious when I think about actually kissing that bag of shit, or crapbag if you will.
Ah well, in the meantime I will distract myself and be a little japalicious as I indulge in some superficial shopping.
Too bad it was busy today. I want to improve on my dancing, swirling, and run-slide on the slippery wood floor techniques. Speaking of techniques, did you know about this?
My New Fighting Technique Is Unstoppable. Read the comics.
Have I lost you? I didn't mean to. I hope to find you, actually.