Thursday, August 26, 2004

Am I ok?

Someone asked in a comment further down if I am ok. Well lately, honestly, my answer is no. I am not feeling ok- but actually as of yesterday and today I have felt a little elevated and different/better and I am not sure where it's coming from. I actually think a large part is something that I realized yesterday. I wasn't really recognizing that a big part of why I feel so freakin terrible is the fact that I am not going back to law school. It really is a bigger blow to my self esteem than I was acknowledging. I guess it gives me some hope that not all of my deterioration is because of Brian.

I guess I thought that since I hated law school so much and recognized after working at a law firm that it is all not quite right for me, that I was "over" it all. But it's not just about that. I have never been out of school. I have never not had school to go to in the fall and I wasn't quite ready for it all just yet. I only had a matter of weeks to just accept that the life I had prepared for and anticipated wasn't going to materialize as I had intented it to. Plus the whole not getting anything back for all of the work that I have done element of this is a little hard to handle. That for all of the shit and misery I put up with, I wasn't able to walk away with anything- but an "experience" of course, but owing all of these loans I think I just took a huge step backwards.

Before I left for law school, I was offered a full-time job at a friendly Georgetown law firm, and I was cast for a part in a professional comedy group- but I turned down both fucking offers! I want so desperately to be moving forward instead of being in this unsatisfying "figuring myself out" stasis I am in. Right now I am basically the personal assistant to these guys I work for. And they are cool, and I like them, but I am merely supporting them and not actually producing anything representative of my own labor. But I mean, it's ok because we all have to start at the bottom they say. My problem is that I've never been good at doing easy or simple things. But I can do compicated and challenging things. That's also a huge reason why I miss school. I wish I could be challenged. Law school wasn't mentally challenging in the least. It was just insanely tedious and draining. The info was in my brain, but I guess it wasn't drilled in the "right" way- and to this day I don't know what the fuck little exam detail really even makes a difference because the grading is so bizarre.

And back to whether or not I am ok- I hope to regain the distance between Brian that I need because whenever I talk to him he continues to say completely fucked up things to me. He talks to me lately because he says he's concerned about me, yet when we talk, he just uses the conversation as an opportunity to defend himself and re-state all of the hurtful things he's said before. It's just like- ok- I've heard it- but right now the only good you are to me is if you can offer me some of the supportiveness that you were able to offer me in the past. And he needs to stop defending himself to me. He just can't even be supportive without trying to somehow use me to make himself feel better. And I swear he wants my friendship just so that he can live with himself. He wants to laugh with me and joke around with me, but he doesn't deserve to experience my better side or my companionship. And sometimes- just sometimes he'll say things that'll seem like he's coming around and starting to understand exactly what he's done, but then he turns right back around and his words are those of an infantile man-child. Sometimes it even sounds rehearsed- like some bullshit he's been feeding himself and repeating to himself. I really don't want to ever see him again and I want to stop talking to him. He says he wants to go to Florida, and maybe he can and just melt into his middle-of-nowhere world where only 100 people will know he even exists. I can't imagine this desire to be average and unnoticed that he has, but he's succeeding. All that he was last year that made him stand out was my boyfriend. I would just talk to everyone, and he'd be my arm candy and make friends that way- at least outside of the two people he talked to before. Oh man, yes, I am really hating him.

Anyhow, right now I'd say I am a lighter without any lighter fluid. I've got big n bad sparks in me but I can't light any freakin flames and so for now, I am kind of useless and incapable of performing as I normally do. I'll figure something out. It takes time they say, but right now, time has not kicked in and it feels quite bad.

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