Friday, August 27, 2004

Holy Shit

Yeah, so this is going to be a long long post- BECAUSE I am finally going up from out of this deep fucking pit I've been buried in. I have seriously felt more myself and good for the first time starting yesterday and it has been lasting. You have to know that I had felt that I was a stranger in my own mind lately, and that I had lost myself, and lost hope for meaning and satisfaction from this world we live in. I was heartbroken and lost. I still am, but now I am taking the first few steps out of it.

I started feeling good after 3 things happened- 1, I realized that much of my pain is from the difficulties in dealing with the law school thing, which is something I can actually do something about, such as: 2, I started to realize about how much I want the Philosophy degree thing, and I've been talking and thinking about things lately that are making my soul just seriously blossom, and 3- I made an appointment with a therapist who I am going to see in about an hour. Just making that move to be like- fuck feeling horrible and hating life- I am gonna take care of myself and make sure that my shit is in check and see a therapist, it's comforting.

Anyhow last night I went out and partied and got drunk and had fun and felt myself for the first time since everything has happened. And being single it wasn't just ordinary fun, I was definately more myself than when I had Brian dragging me down with his crazy low energy and crapola. I talked to boys and some were actually not sucky. But actually I am like so bad at being single, I don't know how to do the phone number thing, and I forgot about giving out the wrong number to get the boy to go away so I actually was really stupid and gave my really number to a boy I totally don't like! He better not call ack!! And I even *closed mouth* kissed the most adorable and smart guy- and he was kinda shy too- bonus (I love shy). And I was in great company last night and I just got really drunk and stuff and it felt nothing but good.


Ok, so I woke up in the morning for the first time just thinking about the night before instead of the fucking pain and Brian and everything. And I didn't puke. And I took a new path while walking to work and discovered new beautiful alley ways and charming little hang outs. And I am in work for about an hour when the power goes off (just in my building), and they say it's gonna be off all day. So my bosses say I can go home- yay! So I decided to head over to NYU's grad philosophy dept, and I met with admissions and the department over there and it was so great.
So yes, I know it's one of the top programs in the country, but as I was there I felt that feeling I got the first time I visited GW. I was just like, holy shit, this is where I want to be and who I want to be with. GW was so beautiful and wonderful and I decided to only apply to that one school, and put all my effort into that school, and if I didn't get in, I would just apply to others. And yay I got into GW, me and GW were meant to be, and I loved it. So that's how I felt about this place. Everything about it is attractive and strikes a chord with the adult Heather I want to be. The professors there strike a nerve deep inside my mind (with some of their stuff I've read) and the students there I know will have the most wonderful things to say, and I would be able to step it up a notch to be in their company.

So I chatted a whole ton with admissions and we really got along, and the guy there seemed to think based on our conversation that I would likely have a good chance of getting in. And when I went over to the department and asked quesitons they let me know more about the program and what I should be doing to get in. And they also said from the way I was talking that they thought I am the kind of person who has a good chance. FUCK YEAH!

And then I bumped into a friend
And we sat down and talked- and I was beeming about everything, and we were talking about it all and he asked me what my thesis was about. And I started telling him about it, and he started asking me questions, and my brain was leaping into the thoughts I used to have. And he was making good points and I was exploring all different things in my mind. I swear it just energized me inside and out again. And here's why I want this degree- the learning- I want my brain to learn all these different theories and explore as much as possible. As a Philosphy professor and grad student I will have to write and research things, and I want to do that, and I want to write massive things and make myself let it all out of my brain. And I would be able to do something that is meaningful to me and think meaningful thoughts as a profession. Plus my mind would be so ripe and exercised I could create all the things I've ever wanted to. When I was active in classes as an undergrad, my mind was working well and I was able to make some great comedy and write like a mofo. I feel like delving into this deep a level of study I would be able to apply my mind to achieve great mental heights. And what I learn would just make me a better person no matter what I do, and I want that so much.

And we also went to this super nice place Dos Caminos and sat outside in the lovely weather and got that fresh Guacomole, which was just heavenly.

And then
we saw the movie Garden State
Now this was a big step for me because I haven't seen a movie since Brian and going to the movies was something we shared, plus we had been talking about seeing Garden State back when we were together and were looking forward to it. And the music in the movie was all songs that we would listen to together, speaking of which there was actually one moment when I felt sad for a bit last night- when that song "Breathe In" from Dashboard Confessional came on- we used to listen to that when we started going out and do it to that album, so I couldnt help but think about him- but that was it. Anyhow, he would even send me some of the songs from Garden State over the summer so I could listen to em- so I was afraid to see it.

But fuck it, I was on a roll, so I jumped into this movie. And it was so fucking great- new addition to my top 10 movies of all time. Brilliant. Actually this is the third of new movies that actually have female characters I can relate to and that speak to the heart of me. I really related to Scarlett Johanson's character in Lost in Translation, to Kate Winslet's in Eternal Sunshine, and now to Natalie Portman's in Garden State. I swear, some of Zack Braff's dialogue is stuff I've said before, even written in this blog. Like one of the things he said in the movie I said to Brian a few days ago, it was so crazy. And I felt like Natalie's character was a part of me that jumped out of my mind and onto the screen, I identified with her so damned much.

And I felt happy seeing it, and then at the very end I felt sad for a moment because I saw that Brian and I were exactly like how they were. That special way the characters related was so much like how we related and felt together. That fucking high of love and happiness was so identical to us. And it made me sad because I felt like I was seeing the past, who Brian was, and it reminded me of that so well, that I realized that Brian totally died on me around January. I feel sad for him because he isn't really happy anymore, something is wrong, and he is like a total stranger. But I didn't die. I am still me. And its so sad because Brian used to be wonderful. Plus I did make him so happy, and if I stopped making him happy, its not because of me, its because he is like seriously depressed. I know he needs to find himself and everything but the life decisions and shit he says lately is so evil and fucked up, he is only becoming more like the worst parts of himself.

Oh man I gotta be somewhere and stop writing. But one last bit of happy, I am seeing my most favorite friend from college tonight who lives on the west coast and is visiting. YAY!

Ok have a lovely weekend, I have a shitload more than this to write, so watch out!

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