Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Insane in the Membrane

Now I am able to clearly recognize something that is very strange. I am losing some element of my sanity lately. I do not have my shit together and I am not thinking straight and this is something that I have never experienced before. I know that something is very wrong here because looking back on who I have always been and how I have always felt- no matter what hard times I have experienced, I have never broken down like this ever in my life.

I guess the true way of summing up what's going on is that I don't know how to cope with the pain that I am feeling. I have previously been equipped to take a lot of blows. Usually when frustration or sadness build up inside of me I just let it all out- I'll cry or something, sleep on it, and the bad feelings just go away and the next day is a new day- no problem. This time no matter how much I cry, it's just not working. I am not able to think straight on a daily basis and my sense of self and judgment are extremely blurred and recognizing all of this doesn't change a damned thing. It is truly overwhelming me to deal with both my new life- the law school thing- and the Brian thing. I have always been able to have a real grip on myself and on my choices.

I have also always been extremely motivated and optimistic and the person to talk to when you are feeling all messed up and need advice, but now all of the words I have spoken and believed aren't worth a damned thing. I have always been able to streamline the mess of thoughts in my mind- focus, and have a lot of direction. I always set goals for myself and see to it that I carry them out- but now I don't know exactly enough what I want on top of the fact that I am thinking the most absurd thoughts in the world.

People I know have said to me in a fight or a moment of frustration something along the line of "Well I am not perfect like you" or "well then I guess you're perfect". And I know why. I have always been this solid inpenetrable person. So accepting of my own flaws and the world's flaws that none of it ever phased me or threw me off balance. Being a good person and doing the right thing no matter what life throws you has always motivated me in everything I did, and satisfied me.

But now for the first time it hasn't mattered at all that I did everything right, and that I was good and that I was a good enough law student and a good girlfriend. I lost both of these things without really fucking up. I can't look back at what I did in law school and think for a second that I didn't know the material well enough because I did. And I can't look back at me and Brian and say that I did anything wrong, because he fucked up and he even says he was happy with me, but in the end he thinks he can be even happier so he wanted to end it before it got too good again. It obviously ended because he's fucked up- but that's out of my hand.

It's just my knowing that no matter what I do or how I live, I can't make the world a good place to be and I can't make people be good to each other. And perhaps my problem is that I have been able to control my life a whole lot up until now. I chose who I associate with, avoid assholes, and try to do amazing things with my life. But finally I've been blasted with a massive dose of reality, something I am sure that other people have experienced. I am absolutely certain that I am not alone in that I feel so much pain right now, and that knowledge doesn't help either.

I want to know people who are truly happy because of conscious life choices who have good heads on their shoulders. I discount people who say they are happy, but it's just because they are stupid or have lots of money and don't know any better. I want to know a thinking person who has gone through life with self awareness and wisdom and who is truly happy. I want to know that that person has been caught off guard too.

Well I obviously don't know what the hell to say or think anymore but I am just going to keep on talking and talking because I DO know how to do that and it definately helps me figure things out. And I need to move on because a huge part of what I plan to do next is to write funny stuff and I am definately not very funny lately.

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