Thursday, August 12, 2004

It's time to give myself the credit that I am due.

Before I start this post, two new updates, Celebrity spotting of "Steve" from Sex and the City" walking his dog on Bedford- cute smile, very non-famous looking. And I got my first PSEG bill today- addressed to Heather Fink and Brian Knowles. Super Fucking Duper.

Anyhow, as I have been thinking a million thoughts, I am starting to get a bit more objective. A lot of what has happened and a lot of what had been said is actually kind of typical for any cheater. I have had a really hard time with my own self worth and feeling like I am just nothing if I can be tossed away for some small town boring little 19 year old girl. But that's not really what it is.

Here's my conclusion about him loving me/not loving me. He did love me absolutely and I did make him happy in spite of the fact that outside/unrelated circumstances made both of our lives unhappy. BUT at the time the Ashley came along he did not love me anymore and I no longer meant something to him. He no longer had feelings for me at the time and it had so much more to do with him than with me. He liked her. Getting attention from her made him feel great. I could not do that for him anymore because he already had me, and me being "into" him is no longer a compliment to him because he'd gotten over that for a while now. I could not give him that feeling anymore- the feeling when someone you find attractive finds you attractive is a great feeling. And it is so much more exciting than this girl who you aren't going to see for 2 more months who you just instant message and talk to on the phone to sometimes.

And seriously, he wasn't feeling anything for me at the time because he didn't WANT to anymore, but not because he didn't actually love me. If he acknowledged what I really meant to him, he COULDN'T do what he wanted to do- which was be with this girl. And I have to seperate his desire to be with her from his desire for me- especially considering his lack of experience and the fact that this is something that never happened to him before- an old crush showing interest in him. I am fortunate enough to have had that happen, and find out in the long run that those things don't really matter.

Just because he wanted to cheat, doesn't mean that I didn't make him happy and that I wasn't someone who was important to him.

When he broke up with me he had a mean and very terse tone of voice with me. He even thought it ok to insult me, saying things like that I would be annoying to talk to about it, so it's my fault he didn't talk things over with me- or that I wasn't making him happy- in his mind because I didn't have something in me to make him happy. But it isn't my job to make him happy. If he couldn't be happy with me- someone who he felt more love for than for anyone ever before- it's because something isn't right with him, and he is at a weird young uncertain place in his life- and most importantly because he has a hard time understanding what his emotions are telling him. But he can't blame me for what he has done and that is so insanely unfair and disrespectful to me and my dignity.

And he is stuck in a very infantile state- almost blaming the world and distancing himself from everything because he went through a traumatic time a few years ago due to a family tragedy. But he hasn't been able to grow past that. In many ways he is stuck in that state- using it as an excuse for certain feelings and actions of his- and it holds him back a great deal because he has so many unanswered questions. He feels that since that has happened he is on another plateau, because he cannot feel greater pain- nor can any other thing be more important. But he has to come back to earth and live his own normal life- where other smaller things do matter just as much as before. He also needs to acknowledge that other people can feel just as much pain.

He really did blame me for the fact that he didn't want to be honest with me- but of course it isn't me. Nobody wants to have to tell someone "the truth" if it's something difficult to say. It doesn't matter who the audience was and it wasn't me. I think part of the reason he was really rude and cold to me at times is because its easier on him if my reaction is anger, because then it's easier for him to hate me- which helps him move on and dismiss me and somehow feel glad about the fact that he got rid of me. But the truth is that he knows very well that I am a good person with a whole lot to offer. And if he was ready for a woman instead of a girl, I could offer him more than most anyone.

So I can't feel so fucking pathetic. I need to part with those feelings and take solace in the fact that this is his weakness and his mistake. It is not as he put it- simply that he doesn't love me and these things happen, so it's only fitting that he be with someone else. I made that man happy. We had a lot of fun together. We had great intimacy, and endless sweet moments. We shared a view of the world that was our own unique vantage point. I can take pride in the fact that I was honest and I treated him with the utmost respect. And I was not a fool for loving him, for he was the one who tricked me with the cold hearted blood in his veins. I can always hold my head up high and know that I know how to love, and that I am worth all of the credit that such faithfulness, loyalty, and compassion deserves.

I may still be plagued by missing him, a good deal of general pain, jealousy, and the desire to call up the kids in the mob who grew up on the street where I was raised and have them kick the shit out of him, and beat down that wench if she ever shows her face in the NYC metropolitain area- but alas, I hope that these thoughts will pass too. But for now I am starting to regain my self worth. Which is of course the most powerful thing any woman can have.

PS- I just saw McGreevey's speech- damned impressive.

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