Sunday, August 22, 2004

The Ointment of the Gods

So I saw him for the first time yesterday. It's just so unbelievable because I thought I wouldn't love him after all of this but I did so very much. Being able to hug and kiss him and stuff one last time I thought would help me say goodbye, that I would be hugging a different man who didn't love me, but that wasn't how it felt. I was planning to go out after but that never happened. I had wanted him to leave and be out of my life for good, and then I'd drink fountains of champagne and celebrate whatever was left for me, but that's not what happened. He stayed there till 1 in the morning, and he wasn't leaving. I couldn't and I can't understand him at all. He didn't want to leave just yet but it was him who threw me out. He made sure to let me know how much he cared about me and loved me, and so it makes it all even harder to understand any of it.

All I know is that I love him and felt feelings for him that made me feel better than I ever thought was even possible on earth. He said he felt that way too. He said the new girl doesn't make him feel that way, but at the same time he says she is still what he wants for right now.

It's all so strange, that he speaks so highly of me, can tell me that he is so confident that he sees great things for me, telling me how wonderful I am. It's so insane to hear that from the mouth of someone who doesn't want me any more. And yet he is sad that we won't be friends any more. It just seems that he knows nothing.

It's so not even about having a boyfriend or finding a new one or anything like that. It's about the fact that I was able to feel such great things with him that I never even knew were humanly possible and now it's over, and it just seemed so unique that I can't realistically expect to ever feel that way again.

Ah fuck- it's over now! If there's one thing I'm not- it's stupid- and I will never be stupid enough talk to him or see him again for so long as I live and for so long as I can hope not to bump into him.

HELLO new life- I just have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I may never feel as good again but what the fuck! That's life and I just have to know that TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. Do you think maybe I should also try some Neosporin? It can't hurt. I am gonna go fill up a bath with pounds of that sweet sweet ointment.

FYI- Elimidate and Shore updates coming tomorrow . . .

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