Thursday, August 05, 2004

Steve is my friend.

So I woke up this morning feeling kinda groggy. And I am sitting there in my bed just waking up, expressionless. And all of the sudden I start crying uncontrollably. My mind was blank, wasn't even thinking about stuff. But I just start crying and crying my head off. I guess I really miss that peice of shit. But the vomiting in the morning actually stopped around Wednesday of last week. And I hadn't actually been crying in about a week or so too. And then I cried a little on the PATH train this morning as well. I am really quite honestly, very sad.

I was talking to someone yesterday about all kinds of things. She told me that her boyfriend who she was in love with was cheating on her and dumped her and she remembers how painful it was and how weak she felt. One of the things she discussed with me was how you learn a lot from the experience, after it she learned to develop more self esteem and strength. But I have a pretty strong sense of self and I've always been rather strong. Actually what I have learned more than anything is greater empathy. I never understood why people would accept it if other people treated them badly, or even feel something for someone who cheated on them. I always thought it was so much more simple.

One thing that my brain knows and not my heart is that he is profoundly not worthy of me. I think even he knows that and says it. During the break up- he said- yeah, I think you're too much for me, and you don't deserve to be treated this way. It's like he is incapable of being good enough and is scared or too weak to be a better person. Plus I loved him with all of my heart and respected him endlessly and was considerate of him and faithful and also a best friend. I mean we had everything. We had trust- trust which can never be mended, and an understanding, a mutual love of relaxing together, a shared sense of humor and our own little world of jokes and mockery of every one and every thing else, and very nice cuddling abilities. And we were about to have this great little life. He would be at school studying away, and I would get home from work and put my things down, start cooking up something yummy, he'd come home and not have to think about school for a bit. We'd watch some tv or a movie and have our little kitty sit with us. Then I'd write some sketch comedy or something while he finished up his reading for tomorrow. And every night we'd have sex in some new corner or counter top of the apartment.

But that was how it could have been anyway. And up until my new roommate moves in the whole apartment reeks of what could have been and never was. People keep telling me a few things- like that he will remember and will want me back and try to make things happen again- and also that I should burn or sell all of his stuff. I don't think either thing should happen. But we'll just see how he acts towards me when he gets back up here.

And oh yeah- I have to cancel my Saturday plans because I just realized I have to go home and drive my matress to my apartment cause I won't have time to get it before Brian gets back here- but wait a second- didn't I already haul a queen sized matress into my apartment and wasn't it a real pain in the ass- why yes, yes it really was. And now it's time to do it again.

Anyhow, as I said I developed greater empathy towards heartbreak after having experienced it. And so many songs mean something different to me now. Like this one very much so:

Steven Tyler speaks to me in his melodic Aerosmithmic ways with the song "What It Takes":

There goes my old girlfriend
There's another diamond ring
And a all those late night promises
I guess they don't mean a thing
So baby, what's the story
Did you find another man
Is it easy to sleep in the bed that we made
When you don't look back I guess
The feelings start to fade away
I used to feel your fire
But now it's cold inside
And you're back on the street
Like you didn't miss a beat, yeah

Tell me What It Takes to let you go
Tell me how the pain's supposed to go
Tell me how it is that you can sleep
In the night, withouth thinkin' you lost
Everything that was good in your life
To the toss of a dice
Tell me What It Takes to let you go


Girl, before I met you, I was F.I.N.E - fine
But your love made me a prisoner
yeah, my heart's been doing time
You spent me up like money
Then you hung me out to dry
It was easy to keep all your lies in disguise
'Cause you had me in deep
With the devil in your eyes



Tell me that you're happy that you're on your own
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Tell me that it's better when you're all alone
Tell me that your body doesn't miss my touch
Tell me that my lovin' didn't mean that much
Tell me you ain't dying
When you're cryin' for me

(Repeat Chorus)

Tell me who's to blame for thinkin' twice
'Cause i don't wanna burn in Paradise
Oh, let it go, let it go...

I don't wanna burn....

Tell it like it is Steven, Tell it like it is . . .

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