Monday, August 23, 2004

To all the readers; and ELIMIDATE

So here's a quick message to all the readers out there to clear up some confusion. First of all, I by no means "tell it all" here. I never tell anything that someone told me here that they wouldn't want me to, and ask people if they want to be annonymous on the blog or not, or only include tiny details about other people. As far as guys that I "talk to" go- I don't share that here, as I don't share any really private things that go on with my friends. The most private stuff I share is my general shit about Brian, and quite honestly what goes here is just the tip of the iceberg. I am coming to realize that even that has to quit because the thoughts in my head are becoming the same almost every day. I hate this shit. I hate feeling this pain- and I have no control over the situation, I love him, and it totally sucks- the whole thing, and I don't even care to accept things or grow or change. All I can do is fucking move on and make sure that I have a life. And so that's what's going on here.

Also- there's been a few out there "making fun" of the website. Well then don't read it assholes. It's MY site and I'll say what I want to! And if you have shit to say about this site without actually having one of your own- suck it! I fully well know that things I say here can make me look bad and sad and embarrass me- but I don't give a fuck because I enjoy coming out with it. It feels quite nice. Plus some people have told me that it helps them to read because they went through something similar. Um, yeah, so in summation, if you don't like it, stop reading, dipshits.

(pictures will be added tonight)
This experience really takes the cake as far as me making an ass of myself, possibly. It really depends how they edit it. It was going to be on a beach but they moved it indoors because of the weather. We started out at a bar on the upper east side called "Big Easy" where they have beer pong tables (its a cool place). The first part of the date was fun and there was a good deal of joking going on. They got me to do an on-camera impersonation of my grandma so that's definately going to be super silly.

But let me let you in on some secrets of that show- they get you drunk and wear you down for hours and you get so exhausted and frustrated with it- they also pretty much tell you what to say and they get you really pissed off and angry for the show. So here's how they brain wash you:

First of all they tell you what questions to ask the other people, and then I think they tell the other people stuff about the other people off camera so they can use it. Here's the WORST part- they exploited the Brian situation.

There was this one super slutty bitch who was all like "What underwear do you wear- I don't wear underwear- what kind of vibrator do you have, let me lick you, look at my ass, I like to have sex all the time" and so they encouraged me to call her a slut n stuff and make fun of how much she sucked and how dumb she was- so I was like- sure- sounds fun. She also made out with him and molested him n stuff. But then that stupid girl was all about the Brian thing, and she badgered me with it- like - he cheated on you- you suck, why are you even on this show, you aren't ready to be here, you had two serious boyfriends in a row, you are so dependant what's wrong with you- shit like that. Every time I was just like- shut up about it, and she totally got under my skin. It was all hot out and each part of the show was taking hours to film so I was already tired and cranky. And they seperate you from everyone between segments so you don't know what's goin on at all.

And that bitchy girl was saying that I "looked like a dyke" and of course I made fun of her for saying that and got in plenty of underhanded comments- too many to post here- my favorite was when she said the word "contradictioning" and I said "contradictioning" is not a word, dumbass, and she said "yes it is you are so stupid" and I was like "No sweety, the word is contradictary".

Ah man, there really are too many details, I don't feel like writing them out, but to sum it up- the producers said it was the most vicious white girl show they ever had. We were total babies, at each other's throats, yelling at each other. I am quite certain the show is going to be hilarious, including the moment when I almost threw pizza in her face. I made it to the last round and then he picked the other (slutty) girl because he didn't think I was "ready for a new man" yet. I wanted to kill the producers for pushing my ex because that's what I know they did and they told that girl what to say to me.

And oh yeah- dare I forget the most humiliating moment which certainly needs celebration. In the final round the girl kept saying shit about how he cheated on me and rubbing it in my face n stuff- even though I was like "Shut up about it!" and "so what" and everything- and guess what happened! Well at this moment it was about 9pm, I was exhausted and the date had been filming since 11am- and she got to me. I walked off camera, covered my face and fucking cried. I look up, and the cameras had followed me, and then the douchebag dorky guy was standing there, hugging me- or at least going into a hug. It was total insanity. At that point I just wiped my tears and said exactly whatever they were telling me to say like "tell us how it was nice when he hugged you" because I just wanted to peace out.

But hey, I will walk away from it as a cool and unique experience, and I was tan and I got to show off a cute new outfit of mine if that is any consolation prize. And the "backstage" people were all really cool and I made friends with some of em. Yay friends!

Seriously though, it should be funny, in editing I might come out looking good based on what I gave em, but I know they could just edit where I got mad n stuff and make me look stupid. I don't really care cause its just a silly show, but man reality tv is stressful! I mean- it got personal- some of the shit is real, and that's creepy. Overall being on the show just reminded me of the fact that I am freakin ridiculous. I really am.

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