Friday, September 17, 2004


I run low on fairy princess . . .

More than anything I wish I could be- so often I wish I could just be a man. Then I could do and say all of the things that I want with greater freedom and acceptance. As a chick people have to get over the fucking packaging they see me in before they are able to just see me for what I am. Guys can be disgusting, ambitious, weird, multifaceted, and just not give a fuck, and screw up- and people just accept it. As a woman I feel like my mistakes are amplified. Just the fact that a man could even desire modesty as an important quality in a woman makes me wonder what kind of fucking life I am supposed to lead born into this kind of body. Everywhere I go and everything I do- I am a woman when I do it, rather than just a person.

My last boss at the lawfirm was just like- "Heather, how did you get to be so interested in things that boys are typically interested in? Why do you do the things you do?" By this I think he meant my activities in website design, politics, video editing, law, philosophy, comedy, and taste in movies. Well I guess there's a few answers to that. First off- those things are far more interesting then, well, what the hell are girls supposed to be interested in anyway by modern standards? Are we not expected to be good at much else than hanging out with girlfriends and getting degrees for the sake of meeting future husbands? Am I supposed to fall in love with handbags and work for world peace and drink cosmos and listen to popular top 40 radio hits? Am I supposed to call daddy or my neighbors every time I need to fix something or put together IKEA furnature? Am I supposed to suck?

I am not simply going to tailor my personality so that men find me attractive- as many poor young ladies out there do. And in order to be who I want to be in the world, I am going to have to be ugly sometimes. By ugly, I don't mean decietful, back stabbing, dishonest or mean. I mean that I am going to have to be a little full of myself. Now men can get away with this flawlessly. But for women you've got the attractive factor to battle.

There is no female "Trump" in this world. I do not like Trump because he is too full of himself, and also because there isn't much that's appealing about him other than last season's apprentice, and I surely didn't watch the show to see him. But he is a cocky bastard, and he is still accepted and admired. Martha Stewart is no less full of herself and less despicable- but she is chastised and spit on. If she was a man, people wouldn't fucking care that she's mean. mark my word- she would get away with it.

But if I want to do anything more with myself in this world I have to believe in myself and think that there is something great about me. It's imperitive for me to feel that way. Every celebrity, male or female, is successful because they believe that they are great at something (unless of course they are trust fund babies). That's what celebrity is- it is the result of marketing a person. It is an individual going out into the world and say, hey- look at me, I am great at this! Watch me sing, watch me dance, watch me direct this movie! And for women you either have to think you are great at something- or you have to get naked and get a boob job and blow someone to get somewhere. And sorry, but this chick isn't going to do a spread for Hef. Even if I was born with massive knockers, long blond hair and a barbie waist and was offered 1 billion dollars- sorry- no. But I would do a spread for Herb Ritts for the price of a Big Mac. That's just me.

I must unapologetically be unbecoming and be just a little full of myself if I want to take a step beyond my own ordinary. I don't want to be a Marylin Monroe- the depressed icon of classic beauty whose opinion we know nothing of, only the shape of her legs and her face, who killed herself- or a Mona Lisa, a quiet subject who says nothing and is simply coy as she is stared at by admirers. I look up to Madonna far more. I want to be a real and whole human being, and shed the body of woman. (Ps- on a superficial level I still do enjoy lipgloss and pink skirts, don't get me wrong. . .) I simply aspire to be seen as someone with some kind of talent and ability. I am not even sure what I will pursue just yet, though I have some ideas. Heather Fink- director, writer, etc. I am not interested in being beautiful, I am interested in creating something, and actualizing whatever potentials are in me. And if for one second you find yourself saying, my, how concieted, or how egotisitical, go ahead. I guess it's the sacrifice I am willing to make in order to actually be "all that I can be". And I think that the very concept of achievement innately requires ego, self love, and self confidence. You have to know your own worth before cashing in on it.

So. To the men and women of the world who wish I blushed a little more, or apologized a little more, or held back an opinion here and there, and was maybe less simple, more lady like, more accomodating, less harsh, and good god- more modest LIKE HUNDREDS OF OTHER PRETTY GIRLS IN THIS WORLD . . . fuck you.

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Had some tequila last night, forgot how good it is. It's Friday night. Yay. Fiesta.

This picture is so stupid.

PS- Blink 182 Dude Ranch was a great album, but I whole heartedly believe that all albums after that one from Blink 182 totally suck, and the lyrics aren't as fun and orginal as they used ta be either . . .

And Steven Spielberg will be shooting some of ."War of the Worlds" in Bayonne, NJ, also the home of Nada Surf's "popular" video. That's cool.

Ivan will be arriving in New Jersey this evening. I hope he also doesn't come into my basement like Francis did.

One last note. I googled my mom. It's fun to be able to quote her saying "businesses need competitive intelligence to gauge their performance, says (I'm keeping her first name private) Fink, enterprise market manager for Lexis-Nexis. Working from her home office in (private), Fink asks her customers what information they need to do their jobs well.
“They need to know what’s out there from pricing, feature, functionality, all the way around,” says Fink. “If you are delivering a product, you need to know that you are doing the best you can. You’re trying to become a preferred provider."

Indeed mommy, indeed that is important if you are trying to become a preferred provider.

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