Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Plotting the Course

I have never ever been in a place in life like I am right now. Right now I am finding that there is an opportunity to explore a path for every single interest I have, and right now, the only thing I am doing is the one thing I decided about four years ago that I would drop so that I could focus on other things.

Is it me?

My office is frequently empty. My bosses call in and tell me what needs to be done a lot of the time while they either do business or pleasure out of the office, like the one who skipped out on work to go to the US Open the other day. So I have this space to myself, and this morning I was just singing and singing. I had taken voice lessons for a little over 7 years, starting when I was 12. But I just learned way too damned much about it, I lost the heart in singing that I needed, and it all felt so technical after a while, that's when I decided to say goodbye to it. But this morning I was just kinda singing and making up my own songs, I even found a way to fit the word "dissipate" into one of the songs. It was pleasing. But the only place I could see myself singing is as a "torch singer", one of those chicks in a glittery dress slung above a piano. In my last year of voice lessons I told the teacher I wanted to try that. Unfortunately I was in DC, and I didn't really see any venues I liked. But now I am in NYC. Maybe that's yet another thing I should try . . . I'd love to end up in one of those Harlem Rennaisance style places, or of course I can dream of being at Cafe Carlyle, the place I am having a boy take me if he's got lots of loot for a date. It's this hot jazz spot on the upper east side where Woody Allen performs jazz on Monday nights. Well anyway I am more ready to sing now cause I have a lot more soul than when I said goodbye to singing at 19. And lord knows my momma would be so happy if I sang again. We'll see . . .

But I got this call yesterday from someone at a really huge venue in NYC. He had seen the tape of the stuff I did in Capitol goga and was really excited about it all. Now the group that once was on the tape no longer exists, and quite truthfully, none of the ladies from that group have any desire to really commit to taking the group beyond where it currently is. I was interested in perhaps contacting some of the ladies from the group that I could maybe do something new with- but I really think the old group is kind of dead and so are their ambitions in the comedy field. What they do now is absolutley not in line with anything I wanted for the group, and I mean, I am not in it anymore, so more power to them if they want to have fun with what is left of it. I guess it's just painfully obvious it's time for the next chapter of creative projects in my life. And I am really at the very beginning again like a freakin virgin to it all. AND I REALLY DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO! I just desperately desire other people who can actually work hard at something and not slack off to work with. The ladies in CG were totally talented and smart and funny, but overall I never really saw in them the ability to chase dreams and be ambitious about it. They had other stuff that was more important to them besides the group anyway, so I don't blame them. I really know all of them are great.

Well I guess it's pretty boring for me to describe the other shit going on, but basically I've been getting a lot of offers lately, people saying, hey, when you have your stuff written n ready, we want to put it up, we have a place for you to show it, and people even interested in TV show ideas. But I don't have anything right now but myself. If only I had the offers back in the Capitol goga days. The only thing that's certain is that it's time for me to step up to the plate but nothing really feels right. Plus at all of my moments when I have really achieved anything I have been able to have someone to support me and give me their energy, and while that can't be something I need, I have to thank the ex Justin for being there during CG's days because his support and encouragement really helped me have the energy and drive to go full stream ahead with it all. They say behind every great man is a great woman, and I understand that because I like having a little wind beneath my wings. I guess a companion is kind of like fuel to me. So not having one at this very in between spot in life, especially unexpectedly, it's a bit off setting. Plus I am wasting all of this energy just trying to cope with everything.

So since I don't feel quite whole and quite ready to shove myself out there, it's time to just be really cerebral and play around with all of the things going on in my mind. I want to hold political office, I want to make more websites, I want to sing, I wouldn't mind some more acting, I want to write tv shows, I want to make movies, I want to write social propaganda, I want to rip apart the world and examine it with a microscope, and I want to rearrange everything I see so that it's exactly as I would want it to be- and oh yes, travel travel travel.

You know what- that'll happen. Right now it's my time to watch, learn, observe, consume. My personal assingment is to keep going out constantly, doing 'lunch', consuming parties like a food group, and absorbing all the art, music, and interesting people that I can. And one of my bosses is helping me achieve that. He's ordering all these foreign movies I never saw to the office because he thinks I need to see them. These boxes come in, and he says watch them. I can definately handle that assignment.

I am going to be a Renaissance Woman maybe and let DaVinci be my role model instead of Madonna, Sofia Coppola, Sarah Silverman, or Hillary Clinton. Master of all trades? That's why I want to pursue the Philosophy degree. If I did that I would just be tuning my mind like an instrument so it could play any damned song in the world. I need to be more Vincent Gallo, a man with a website, a painter, a musician, a directing and acting career, pimp daddy lifestyle, and many fine bitches (in an Ali G sense of the word "bitch"). Who cares if I can do it all, or I suck at doing it all- I WANT to do it all! And if there's a will-
there's a way.
Hopefully I'll have such a diverse resume that people can look up and me and say - You've got to be fucking kidding me.

The new me. How do I look?

I am fucking kidding you. And I don't want a new boyfriend right now. I just want sweet n tasty arm candy.

Musical sample for today? It's Gary Jules's Mad World
But there's only a sample of it on that site. Try to download the whole thing.
Or search for Bjork and listen to Isobel. It's on that site full length.

And by the way, fucking Mac's are NOT user friendly. Just pretty. If I owned the Mac at work, I would smash it. I would definately smash it.

PS- I am postponing this weekend's party. I want to stay down the shore another day longer. It'll be Saturday September 11 instead.

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