Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Up n Down like a 'sex worker' on the job

Did you know that the politically correct term for hoes is 'sex worker'? It's a fact.

So for a little while now each day, each week, has many quickly changing ups and downs. Yesterday I experienced a number of ups all in a row. I have sort of been chatting with some blokes over at NYU's grad philosophy dept, and one of them suggested that I sit in on a class. So I talked to the professor of the class and not only was he happy to have me come to the class, but wanted to meet me and said I could come by his office before class starts. Score! I am so psyched because this means that whether or not I get into the program next year, I can be exposed to it this year. So I'll be going to that class today and I am very happy about it. Philosomophy is my favoritest!! (and I'll be sure to let them know it, I figured I ought to show my appreciation for being there by running around the classroom like a chipmunk, arms waving about, screaming 'Yay Philosophy my favorite, MY FAVVVVOURITE" in a very shrill voice) And that's a big reason I love NYC- the accessability factor. If you want it, you can access it here.

And then as I walked home, my homeboy, the old italian man who sits in the street with his buddies every day and chats with me as I walk back and forth from work- usually about weather, the city, how ya doin kind of stuff- he stops me and says, just a second, I got somethin for ya . . . and hands me a bag of these amazing home grown tomatoes, and tells me to go have a nice salad with them. Indeed.

And then I had a really great therapy session. This therapy by the way is something I decided I needed. I freakin hate being depressed like i have been. And I am not talking like a bad mood. I am talking like if I was a man I think I would have erectile dysfunction in this mental state. I've only been to a few sessions, but it's pretty cool. One thing we talked about yesterday made me feel really normal about it all, cause honestly, I think its kind of rediculous how much this breakup has affected me, and I am surprised at myself for not being able to handle it better.

Anyhow. She said that what I am experiencing is a "withdrawl period". Because what Brian and I experienced was something called emeshing or immeshing or whatever, where if you are with someone 24 hours a day, you are actually probably "too close", and you become addicted to having that person there, and although you are capable of doing things without that person, you automatically get into this thing where when you cope with the daily stresses of life, you have the person there for every second of it. So the pyschological effect of having contact with that person cut off is much like when an addict of any kind has to stop "using", and you feel that you need that person to survive, etc. And good lord does that put a new spin on things for me. Brian and I absolutely were addicted to eachother. During the one class that we had seperately, we would instant message each other, and then we would only be seperate often when he would go to his apartment to pick up some things and shower, but then he'd immediately return to my door as soon as possible. And this was never at my request- just that's how we were. I guess at the time it just seemed like we were so in love and we just didn't want to be apart. But looking back at it I guess we just became dependant on eachother.

Anyhow, I guess that's why I am so mindfucked by the whole experience. I have always been so extremely independant and strong, and this is the first time in my life I am not comfortable with being alone and things like that. This is the first time in my life I have ever experienced a lot of weird feelings, and I guess this is why. I went through a weird ass relationship that warped my little mind. It did transform and change me. So in the end I had something to deal with that I wasn't equipped to deal with. I vow to never make this mistake again! Something about the whole experience drilled right into my most vulnerable of nerves and made me think stupid ass crap. Like missing his laundry, I mean why the hell would I miss seeing his stupid boxer briefs!

But I talked to him about it, and one thing that I walked away from the conversation with was him telling me that no, he doesn't miss me at all. And he doesn't care. Well that response combined with the realization that I had developed a dependancy makes me think that perhaps it wasn't love, it was addiction. And I guess I just ask myself now, how did I let myself get fooled into liking this kind of a man? I mean he is the most superficial person I have ever met. He actually said to me yesterday- yeah, well I've always been a superficial person. Ew! I think even Paris Hilton has more soul and more to say. Towards the end all he concerned himself with was buying a new car with his money, which makes sense cause he is the type to need to compensate for his lack of good working parts. His only passion was internet shopping for expensive new things- and fantasy sports. And all that he wants in life is just to make the big bucks and the big lawyer money. And this stupid kid is all about having the newest best electronics and devices, just for the sake of having them. And talk about image- last year was I'd say my least attractive looking year- with the law school weight and the lack of time to think about dressing well or whatever. But as soon as I equipped him with the confidence that he could get women, he snatched up himself a little trophy wife asap. And that's all she is, his little teenage girl prom queenesque trophy.

But this is the first day that I am getting a grip on things, and really the first day I am able to ask myself, "how the fuck did I ever fall for this collosal asshole?" He is so profoundly not good enough for me- he's even admitted that. It's bizarre too cause he has no desire to be a better person. He recognizes that he's a pig, and he likes to be. Well I guess I'll learn my lesson. He's a heartless, stupid, sophmorish pig. And his life sucks. And I don't need him. And I don't want him. And thank god I never have to have boring sex with him ever again.

So ups, yes, those things are all ups, besides the nasty chunky vomit I saw on the street this morning, oh yeah, and when the PATH conductor slammed on the breaks this morning and we all thought something really bad was happening- that is, after we all fell down on our asses.

And I found the old Capitol goga collection and I am editing it into a DVD right now. And that makes me a happy little piss clam.

Piss Clams, or Ipswitch clams. A New England delicacy shared with me in my girlhood days by my raised in Rhode Island dad.

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