Wednesday, September 15, 2004

Welcome back, self, it's nice to see you.

So since my "first breakthrough" yesterday, so much has started clicking in and falling into place for me that hadn't been before. Fuck being vulnerable. I am done with that bullshit now.

Feeling better
Ya see, before I had been suffering from a variety of things, like being profoundly indecisive- unable to make any simple or complicated decisions- not having any clue what I wanted- not wanting anything more than the pain I felt to end and not knowing how to make it end. Those kinds of feelings quite honestly resulted in me waking up every morning feeling like I wanted to die. Yeah, I know, dramatic, but it was truly what I was dealing with. I was also unmotivated, unproductive, and obsessing over Brian, and the way things used to be, and the way that I used to be. BUT

a lot of the madness in my mind has completely stopped. Every time I saw something I associated with him, I thought of it in terms of him. Yesterday and today I saw lots of stuff that would've made me sad, and I recognized myself not caring. Now finally, instead of just hearing phrases like- I'm better off without him and what was I even thinking being with him, is the kind of stuff that I actually feel.

Work
And everything so far is just a lot better. At work I am more productive and creative. There seems to be more to do, I get along with my bosses really well. I've been chopping custom reels and things like that happily and rather skillfully if I do say so myself. I am happy to have finally started a good working relationship with the bloody MAC G4 I use for my daily jobs. And I decided what I would do next as far as porducing new comedy stuff. And I am so happy to have actually come to a decision about what to do next. I am not going to start a new comedy group. I am going to reshoot the stuff I already wrote (but only the best stuff), but this time cast it, use real actors, a real crew, and ensure that this time it comes out exactly as I wanted instead of cringing over every shot- knowing how I really wanted it to come out. My goal in doing that is to preserve the good stuff I've already done and show it to a new audience, and use the old stuff as a way of getting back into the game of it all, so that I'll be ready to write and shoot new stuff again. I even wrote a prelude already to one of my older sketches, for those of you who know it- it's the "Meat" one. I just want to put together a body of work and have a DVD of good stuff under my own name that I can pass along to basically get jobs and also to show for the purpose of entertaining others.

The Philosophy Thing
The class I went to last night and the students I met were great. I actually wasn't that into the topic of the class though- a subtopic of Philsophy of Science- High Level Explanation. I'd say Philosophy of Science is one of the least interesting subject areas in philosophy to me. It always comes down to linguistics and catagorizations which I don't find all that meaningful. But still. I liked being there. I was really suprised I was able to follow the conversation and remember what words like teleological and empirical meant. I think I might want to sit in on a different class that's more what I am in to. But I also found out that NYU, like many philosophy grad programs, focuses more on analytic philosophy rather than continental, and I am more into continental stuff. So I suppose I'll be looking at places like the New School, Columbia, CUNY and Stoneybrook. Princeton, NYU and Rutgers apparently are more about the analytical type stuff. Anyhow, I just told the other students- listen, if you want an audience to explain your thesis to, or if you are going to teach a class and want someone to try out your lesson plan on, or even if you are reading some great stuff and want to pass it along my way, please, I invite it. And some students were takers of my offer. Yay. I guess this is my way of garnering a free mini-education- but I so desperately desire having that kind of learning and discussion in my life again.

But here's a cool ass fact. You don't pay to get your PhD. They pay you. At NYU they may pay you something like 22,000 a year, and you get benefits and the summer off, and maybe even an office. That is so so cool. Stupid law school! Ha! You dont get my damn money and you don't get to take my soul either! So anyhow, my applying or not is something that's not going to happen just yet. Maybe in a year or 2 years. But before then I think I would benefit from reading more philosophy and learning about programs, etc.

The Passion of the Fink
Realizing that I had this addiction going on with Brian made me realize how weird that freakin kid was. The fact that it even happened that we were always around each other was bizarre. But that's gotta be all him. I used to tell him stuff like that he could totally feel free to go out on his own more- that when we used to go into the city with this one friend of his I hated that he didn't have to bring me, and he'd be all like, no, I want to bring you, blah blah blah. I know I let it happen because I did have this insane animal attraction to him. Also the fact that he sucked in bed made me want more so terribly much- cause I was never satisfied by the guy- isn't that ironic? To want more from someone who was incapbable of providing? Yeah but I guess that was true out of the sack as well . . .

Which got me thinking about the power of animal attraction. I've had these "flings" with guys in my past where there was unexplainable mad passion that had nothing to do with anything logical or meaningful. But I always had boundaries with these flings. Never seeing them on a daily basis and never actually going past "third base" (I've only hit homeruns with 2 people in my life btw) however sloppy third base might have gotten (ew, right?). Some people I've just had this crazy chemistry with. I even had a month long fling with a Republican of all people! Well actually I did have an on and off thing with this one fellow in high school when he was a Senior and I was a Junior who was republican, but I had a legit crush on him, so that's different.

But there was one person in my past who stands out more than anyone as being a result of mad unexplainable chemistry. I had gone to high school with him, he was a year older, but in school we never really talked. I met up with him while visiting a friend at his college (later to be my college) when I was a senior in high school. We talked a little, but all I can say is that we were both inexplicably drawn to eachother. It was like we couldn't wait to get home. We actually ended up finding a cosy on campus elevator to start macking it, but of course we didn't stay there, too long that is. It was late at night so there wasn't anyone else in the elevator by the way. For the rest of the weekend it was all about waiting till the others went to sleep so we could secretly jump on each other. And there was no number exchange- surely no call ya sometime. Neither of us wanted that. It just was what it was.

And I saw him when he came home for some holiday at a party in my hometown. Our eyes met, no talking, and we ended up outside on the side on the house on the lawn like a lion on an antelope. It was quite lovely. And we are friendly to each other. And we both recognized it, like what the fuck is this? We agreed it was just mad chemistry. Splendid mad chemistry. I saw him at someone's college graduation party last summer. He looked fantastic. And we chatted and smirked. At the time we both just broke up with people- me with the college ex and him with some other lady. Ah, good times, good times.

Rubbish
And I don't feel bad about trashing him and being a mega bitch to Brian. He broke a cardinal rule of being a decent human being. He lied, cheated, and was happy about it. He's a cheater and the feminist in me simply cannot show sympathy towards the scumbag for it. And he was a total pussy bitch, not ever freakin admitting to anything and lying about the whole thing. And he's a total asshole to me. And he HURT ME so very much! And he treated me with utter disrespect via his actions and frequently his words. And he has the "boring whoreface barely legal slutbag". So hoorah for him and bon appetit. And why do I hate her? Cause she knew all about me - even talked to me before-and didn't give a damn. So yeah, I feel entitled.

And here's an important point, my previous ex of 4 years is someone I would never trash. He's a wonderful person and would make a great boyfriend and husband for someone one day- not my own- I've already decided that much- but for someone. By the way this person is one of the Justins who comments on my site. The one that doesn't call me "Finky". And Justin did things that pissed me off even- but he was a genuine and caring person. And I forgive him for any bad shit. And we are friends now, and when we broke up- it was done humanly. We fought it out, we let it out, and it ended right. So I respect him, and I would use that break up as a model for any future breakup I may have to experience.

See, he was a cutie.
(He's totally going to kill me for this . . . Ha!)

Song of the day:
http://www.mtv.com/bands/az/simian/audvid.jhtml
Click on "La Breeze"

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