Tuesday, October 05, 2004

"It's only after you've lost everything, that you're free to do anything"

- Tyler Durden

It doesn't take much to have Tyler Durden on my mind.

Freedom is all about the ability to make choices, but sometimes we choose to limit our options. When you have certain things in your life, the presence of these things, even if we treasure them, can disable us from knowing ourselves in our purest, most individual of states.

And I've lost two big things at once recently, and I really quite truly feel freedom in the aftermath of the pain. I suppose mine didn't come in the form of lye on my hand, but it sure as hell felt like there was lye on my bitty little heart. If this law school thing didn't stop, I don't know if I would have ever felt free to do less than everything. I've always felt obligated to push forward through life like a madwoman trying to conquer the world. But now I feel the freedom to step back, play around, be lazy sometimes, and feel out what I really want to do. And that's kind of fortunate for me because I feel like I am laying the groundwork for establishing the kind of future where I do what I love.

And with boys, well I felt kind of imprisoned with my last relationship because while I was able to be myself with the ex, I was only able to be half of me. The other half- the freethinking, experimental, curious, adventurous and just plain silly me had no place to play. With him, all I was was the reserved, chillin, domestic me. I suppose many of my friends out there don't even know that side, but yeah, when I'm not out in public, just at home, the risk taker does not surface. I actually became inept at going out over time, cause I think it was difficult to turn off my domesticated mode when I was out with him. I went in early, was always bored when we went out, and I never got drunk right. Isn't that crazy? When I was with him, either I wasn't getting proper drunk, or I'd get sick all too easy. Alas I can take shots again and party hard and truly be in my 20s in NYC, and answer to no one- I got nobody tellin me what to do, no kids, and I got 99 problems but a Bitch Ain't One.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey there.. I don't know if you still blog here.. Ah.. I just came back for work,with thousand thoughts in my head...about my freedom. And I was browsing,when I came upon what you wrote.. 7 years ago.
Damn it, dude! You are a stranger, who helped me to make a very important decision, concerning my future ;] I will bury the domestic me for the rest at least 10 years... Thank you!