Friday, October 15, 2004

So, maybe you need some advice.

It's a gloomy, dull day. On days like these it's important to think of friends. If you don't have friends, I recommend them. They are nice to have. As a Tiny Toons episode that I watched as an innocent nubile young girl pointed out to me, "Friendship is the secret of life."

So here's a guide to how to make friends:
1. If you are going to make friends, you are going to have to have the right outfit on. Now ask yourself, if someone is going to like me, what outfit would make them like me? The answer is here. This outfit:

Now you might say, "Can I carry off such high fashion? I've never worn couture before." Worry not. This outfit is unisex, and it looks great on everyone, so that's why I am recommending it. I would not steer you wrong.

2. Select a friend. Make sure that your target is a "cool dude", a sort of modern Gatsby, cool, aloof, and unsuspecting.

A cool dude.
Do not be thrown off by fancy sunglasses. This is an age old trick used to lure people. Friendships with such people often end up wrapped in malicious pyramid schemes.

Don't be fooled by one of these people.

3. Mark your territory. Watch out for suspicious onlookers who may hone in or your target friend.

Not to be trusted.
(Photo Courtesy of Chichester District Council website

4. Next, you'll actually have to walk up to your new friend. It is best to approach quietly from behind or from an angle.

5. Once your new friend has taken notice of your presence, it's your chance to charm them. You've got to know what to say. A simple "Will you be my friend?" will not work. Especially not with a cool dude. What you've got to say is something universally appealing, like "Hey, that governor of New Jersey is gay." or "Hey, aren't you a black person? I think slavery was wrong." or "Yo, what's up, Ja Rule's new single is slammin. Slammin!" Or you could play real cool and throw them a curveball like, "I'm not a virgin."

And that's really all it takes. I'm sure you'll do fine on your own from here. Remember, the hard part is luring them in. But it works for me, and I have a multitude of friends.
These are my friends.

I cherish them.

Sometimes (almost never unless you are worthless) this method doesn't work. So that's when you've got to take initiative. You might try handing out an informational booklet about yourself, highlighting your good qualities.

This method worked for Patricia!

Good luck. I care about you.

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