Thursday, November 18, 2004

God Bless Us Everyone

I pray almost every day that my ex will end his relationship with the fetus. So many things happen all the time in this world, why can't that be one of the things that happens? I remember earlier this semester when he told me, "Sometimes I just think I should do away with it." I always think he should. If that happened it would be like a small orphan boy getting a loving family for Christmas. Or when Scrooge brings a goose for Tiny Tim. For the sake of all that is good in this world I would be the happiest little wisher if that wish came true. I am not funny today. It's not in there right now. That physical discomfort from earlier this week is lingering and I am just irritable and I want to break free. I was drunk some night this week and just jumping around.

I miss you Justin M in San Diego. I was dancing my eclectic dances last night and I had wished for the good old days of unsuitable dancing back in college. I missed the old house near U street and the puppy. I missed the disdain for other people. Justin M, oh and Dara too, those two people bring out the "Drop Dead Fred" in me to the fullest and better than anybody I know. Or at least a young lady named Marissa told Justin M that I was his Drop Dead Fred. And I liked to be. Justin M is a muse. He was friends with all the most amazing ladies at GW, he had tons of female friends. And his male friends were a more select group, but they were a special bunch. Everyone loved the Jamaican. And his girlfriend is a real Mermaid like in Splash. He brings out the best in people.

The only thing I have in my soul right now is to do my dances that I have shared with few. Maybe I will take a night alone in my room, shut the door, and videotape them and put them up on the blog. No. I won't. I don't know what kind of sick fucks would like that and take it and put it up on some bullshit site for assholes. Like that time I was on a site (against my desirings) under the catagory "teens in tubes and tanks". What kind of sick fuck has a thing for teens who are wearing tube tobs? Naked chicks isn't enough? You specifically desire chicks in a specific cut of shirts??!! I fear those who looked at it. I had this one friend who told me he had alone time with these pictures. It was Don. Don you're a real peice of work. And I mean that. A real peice of work. I'm not taking that back either.

I saw these fudge cups at a sandwich shop and they claimed to be really delicious cups of homestyle fudge. They came in brown boxes. I wanted them, but didn't buy them. I imagine them to be great.

I am going to another movie screening tonight. This time it's Mickeybo and Me.

We are finally in production on a commercial at work. This job is so much cooler when we are in production. The actors are all supposed to be real beauty queens. They are very polite on the phone.

I have had friends express concern that I am not over my ex yet. I have tried hating him and tried pretending to ignore him and his existence. It doesn't work because it's not even what I want. I just trust that when it happens it happens. In the meantime I am not going to pretend that I don't care because I think that's bullshit and it won't last. I much prefer being honest to myself about my own feelings no matter how fucking stupid they are. This way I'll have dealt with all my baggage so that when the time is right, I can really wash my hands clean of all of it. I don't want any residual bullshit popping up for me later on. I say to the pain- hey pain, fucking bring it on. I don't want to be scratched, I want to be stabbed. And then I'll heal a hundred times stronger and maybe even develop immunity. I think the more pain I allow in the more indestructable my heart will be, like Supergirl.


Kitty Cat


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