Thursday, December 30, 2004

This is here because I thought my website needed more absurd features. Enjoy.



Enter the name of a celebrity or a movie title to search NudeBase™ and find out which male actors have appeared in the nude and where.



I am so fucking done with 2004. GET ME OUT OF HERE.


In the Cut
I watched this on On Demand last night whilst cleaning my little love shack that needed oh so terribly to be tidied up. That was whistful of me, no? On Demand plus 2 free week trial of Blockbuster online rentals means I am watching lots of movies in my spare pockets of time. Anyhow . . . In the Cut is AWESOME. Fuck the Tomatometer. One of the best thriller mysteries I've ever seen, and I definately appreciate the erotic elements. I'd give this a number 2 spot in my list of best get-you-all-hotted-up movies. Number one is "Henry and June". I think number 3 might be Wild Things . . . anyhow- In the Cut. Well done and well manipulated, as all thrillers must be- a game of audience manipulation- but it's not too contrived, and the pacing works. The movie kind of ebbs and flows, from soft slow scenes to spots where it knows to be quicker. Not sure if Ryan was the best for the part but she did do a good job. And DAMN Mark Ruffalo. I didn't think of him as sexy really until this movie. That boy has a very very nice body. And the whole sexy detective thing really really works for him. SWAT was on the HBO afterwards so of course I just had to have it on for eye candy purposes- but last evening I'd say Mr. Ruffalo left me with the greater proportion of dirty thoughts. And I think that this female director really cared about making the movie sexy for the female viewer. Thanks!

MUSCCCCCCCCCCCI
I got me lots of new music. I like to join the BMG music club once every few years, get all my free cds, and cancel my membership after I buy my one obligatory CD, and it works well and serves as a good way to update my music collection. My shipment came in today and boy oh boy am I rockin out! Right now I am enjoying Rooney. Single highlights: Rooney's "Blueside" and "I'm a Terrible Person". I also got Rachel Yamagata, Keane, Beck, Ryan Adams "Love is Hell", more Thrills, and some Jet cause I like that one song about Love even though I hate their other generic shit. I am gonna get me some Sondre Leche and Old Coldplay I think, oh and more Johnny Cash. That'll be good.

Here's my query of the day: How come there's a plethora of sexy actors on the screen and not in my real world? What with Mark Ruffalo, Topher Grace, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Brody, Tom Welling and Colin Farrell bein all out there and so cute, where's the real life counterparts? I mean the only reason I crush on the famous is cause they are all in front of my face and crap. In reality I think the fun of dating a famous person would only last a month and then it would get to be a real pain in the ass cause they would be banging like a hundred other people and be all over the world and you can't come with and doing like 5 kinds of drugs at a time. SO whateva . . . unfortunately the down side of having high standards is being sexless. High five.

I said High Five, son.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004

He's lucky I am concealing his identity

leatherfink: i would love to meet a young man who has been f--ked in the ass by a girl with a strap on
------: done that too
leatherfink: have you?
------: uh
------: no
------: missed out on tht fun
------: was probably buisy with the missionary position or something
leatherfink: i want to do that some time
leatherfink: i think it would be horrifying
leatherfink: yet informative
------: with a strap on
------: tell you whst...if you buy me dinner...
-----: I'll let you f-ck me with a strap on

leatherfink: awesome

(PS- NO I would never want to actually do that and no this is not a REAL DEAL, and I put little dashes in cause I don't want people googling that and ending up here.)

Also in today's footnotes:
Intermission is a good movie although it's not terribly original, it's entertaining and charming - I love the opening scene- and I like Cillian Murphy. Also, Before Sunrise is good- at first I found both actors unattractive and boring, but as it continued I got wrapped up in it and it was just very very realistic and sweet. Looking forward to Before Sunset. I am excited cause it's oscar time and so I'll be screening the following new and old releases for FREEEE: Hotel Rwanda, A Love Song for Bobby Long, Incredibles, and Life Aquatic. At least that's all I wanna see for now of the stuff that's been sent to the office.
Did I forget to mention? Even as a dispicable villain I love him . . .

From Intermission

Finally, one other comforting thought in the face of being single in your 20s and being paranoid that all the good guys are taken and I'll never find true love and finding true love would be great-
Julia Roberts and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Both have lived awesome lives, and they have awesome husbands n babies later on in life. And their lives seem much more perfect than any I could imagine and I suppose having a happy exciting career and youth followed by late 30s family/settling down would be pretty ideal. So that whole notion makes me feel younger. It's a rebirth!


My favorite selection from the Scholastic Book Club, I am 2 away from free personal pan pizza! YEaaahhhhhhhh.

Sin City YAY so awesome
Funny

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Mother Fucker


Here I am, waiting in the office for anyone to enter. Go away- don't make me work! You can't come in unless you have pizza or kitties!

Goddamn it. Here I am again. In the damn office at work. My boss seriously forgot that he told me I had off this week about a month ago. My other (favorite) boss gave me off this week. Cause we have a commercial coming up. That's why I have to be in right now. But I just know that everyone else we are working with is taking a break too, so I am really not going to be needed. And there's no freakin messages or important shit that I need to take care of. Grrrr. Whatever, I didn't come in yesterday and I still have off Friday. But I was looking forward to visiting a friend in Princeton and having a day in the city with my family- CANCELLED.

What-the-fuck ever. My hair is so goddamn fabulous right now that it's making up for my irritation just a little bit. I recently starting using motha-fucking-fabulous Aussie Mega Conditioner- only like 3 bucks at your local grocery store. And boy oh boy am I happy with the results. So it's just me and my motha-fuck-fabulous hair in this empty ass office right now eating a goddamn yogurt cup and getting all gassy.

There's Snow-place Like Home
My parent's house is so freakin cosy. For my high school friends who haven't visited since, my house used to be in desperate need of renovation as it hadn't been changed since it was built in about 1979. But by now every single room is different, it's been painted since, and we even repaved that evil "sure to trip and fall on" walkway in the front with Home Depot's successful wet dream- pavers. In the living room we got one of those big tvs and a remote control fireplace and we are truly enjoying these modern accoutrements (not a word?) of modern living.

And the snow on Sunday night was sooo dreamy. It was big soft powdery snowflakes and it made the perfect powdery fluffy snow. The kind that doesn't get slushy or nasty or anything. And I ended up kind of driving around in it with some friends, and everything looked so beautiful. Where I am from is slightly more mountainous and we get some more snow than in the city. Anyhow, we ended up at this art-deco diner with a silly neon sign, but it never looked better than when it was dressed in this snow. Speaking of which I had just had some fun stopping in some hometown places and seeing friendly familiar faces and it was kind of nice. On Christmas night we went to this shithole hole in the wall bar that I had thought only big burly motorcycle guys might go- but instead since it was the only bar open in town, there was a pleasant mix of youngsters. And nice enough there was a time where every girl in the bar started dancing and bouncing around. It was rather merry.

Oh yeah, and long story short- my plans to go to Japan had actually changed to go to Thailand with some lady friends. But now Thailand is all fucked up. What to do? What part of Asia will Heather end up in March? We shall see . . .

Sweet Leather Embellished Materialism
In the new year I am gonna dress a little more kickass. I love what you can get away with wearing in NYC. You can really make any damn thing work. Me and my mom did a little tour of Marshalls, TJ Max and Daffy's yesterday (we ran out of time for Loehmans and Filene's)and boy did I find some cool shit. I got these thigh high pink suede boots that go up over the knee. Those will be paired with black tights, a pink sweater, and a jean skirt. And I found these awesome little french sneakers from a small brand "le coq sportif" and it says le coq sportif on them, and they are really cool looking black and white leather sneakers in a modern style with a little rooster on em. Yay I have sporty cock shoes. And I got these insane italian pants with weird buckles all over. Those will be paired with my grey cowboy boots. Oh there's this bright blue mini skirt. Oh, and a very well priced brown leather motorcycle jacket that fits LIKE A GLOVE. A well fitting glove. I really have grown into a shoe-loving ho. There's the grey cowboy boots, red cowboy boots with flashy red snakeskin embellishments, the white leather boots with little dots, the light tan boots, the dark brown boots with kitten heel, the tan, heeled gollashes, the pink suede stilletoes, the killer black suede stilletoes with patent leather piping, the pink suede thigh high boots, the coq shoes, and also new knee high black moccasin boots. Half of those shoes are from my mommas closet and the other half were on SALE baby. But dammit they are all so much FUN to wear. CApitoL LETTERs are SAVVY and FEISTY!!

The Post-Awesome
All is well. I affirm what was said in my "Awesome" entry, screw that son-of-bitch. He was a total jerk and cold as hell. How priceless is it that after the breakup he tried to explain things by saying he wasn't honest with me earlier because "I was just sure that I would lose you if I expressed my doubts, and at the time I just didn't know if I was ready for that." Mother fucker. How priceless is that? So priceless. I still can't believe it's actually true that we were moving in together and making that commitment. God damn. It's just so unbelievable that a year ago at this time, I was a happy law student who didn't get in a single grade yet, in Florida with my sweetheart rolling around in his bed while we told each other how we couldn't envision things being any more perfect. And I am happy to not be there and to not be that boring person now. My mom's happy I am done with him too. She said she'd never met someone so cold and unfriendly. She just thought it was damn weird how he would shut off some times. And that's exactly the kind of scary little trait you don't want to marry someone with- cause lord knows that's a warning sign of a man who will surely develop into a weird super asshole after years of marriage. You know- those guys who are really great at first but later on that passive aggressive selfishness inside of them just takes over and you don't see the person who you married anymore. I see that in him for sure. I bet I would've had a horrible life with him. Possibly sucked into his town in the middle of nowhere abiding by his rules and feeling ugly about myself. Fuck him and his pretty little face. That too will fade. And I love his new girlfriend. She's my new secret best friend cause I know she's the one who will give him his first heartbreak. So by all means I want him to fall for her as hard as he can. And I'm cool. I can do this single independent thing. I haven't shed a tear since my recent enlightenment and I am not shedding a single fucking tear for him ever again.

Mmm time for some relaxing Muse, and my found-lost Tori Amos CD "Scarlett's Walk" which is really pretty good and might appeal to more conventional tastes. Oh and another musical love- Racheal Yamagata is gonna be on the OC Feb 3! Mmmmm Seth Cohen.

Finally finally- an email informed me this morning that "Aaliyah already has a rolax! Get yours! aden". I'd better get on that shizit before all the rolaxes are gone, eh?

Oh but finally now, I really mean I am gonna end it here- I rented A Home At the End of the World, with the famously deleted cock shot of Colin Farrell. And he's why I rented it- and he's the only good thing about it. The story is a terrible mess, horribly put together. I don't feel much sympathy for these characters, and rather, I am creeped out by them. The gayness wasn't sweet like in Six Feet Under. It was slightly unnerving. But damn, Colin does get naked. And he plays a character that is entirely different from anything he's done- and he did it well. I was really impressed and he just kind of showed his range and earnestness. The boy can act, and let's hope that he avoids shitty scripts like SWAT from now on. But then again if I was a wiley Irish boy like him, I think I might accept that fat paycheck anyways. I really do love his public persona. He seems as though he might actually be as cool as he seems. And I don't hold it against him that he's a slut. I would do the same damn thing. It's gotta be so fun to just take a piece of all the American booty in Hollywood. Scarlett Johanson seems to be doing it- and that girl is smart- saying things like how she wants to meet Prince William in the papers. That's so awesome. She totally knows she could tap that ass. Ugh I wish I was her. I definitely do- accept when she does her hair and makeup all scary sometimes, then she looks like an ass. But anyways. If I was a famous moviestar- I'd definitely put off settling down as someone's faithful little darling for a while until I've tapped all the fabulous ass out there. And if I was Colin I think it would surely be fun to have a piece of Britney. Like woah I'm all up in Britney Spears . . . this is fun! Ah . . . that guy . . . he gives me hope that there's some fine pieces out there waiting to be nibbled on . . .
back
to
work.

Saturday, December 25, 2004

My priority on most Christmases is to not shower and sit around in my pajamas no matter what.


I really don't like NutCrackers very much. But I love you! Merry Christmas. Here is a gift:


When this guy "makes" on the carpet, he makes presents. What a dreamboat!

Check it out!

By the way, my Dad never saw the video I made with Capitol goga called "CRT vs Equal", where a packet of Equal sugar battles a TV set which I refer to as CRT (Cathode Ray Tube), but in the past few days, he has been referring to TVs as CRTs, something which I never noticed him doing before. For example, he asked if my sister could see the "CRT". That is all.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

AWESOME

Today is a very new day. Fucking finally, for the very FIRST time, some things have been clicking and falling into place, and last night, I was finally able to take the first big step in moving forward after the breakup. See, the whole situation was easier to deal with when I knew they were apart. But now that he is back home with her, it's just whole new shit to deal with. So here I am thinking about that and getting really sad again. And I had also just been really feeling like such an asshole for feeling this hurt and hung up on things 5 months later. I was mad at myself for not having come farther than I have. Also, Brian and I had been talking pretty much every day still, on the phone or over emails or instant messenger. I was being so stupid and I thought I could handle it. I thought it was just easier. I thought I just didn't have it in me to be tough enough to just suck it up and cut him off.

But it's torture. And I have had enough of it. I cannot take talking to him anymore. I don't need to be making him laugh and smile anymore. Dammit I used to make audiences of 100-200 people laugh, I don't need this one. I can't take being heartbroken anymore. I am fucking fed up with this pathetic, whiney, complainey little wussy bitch me. Fuck it, she's gone. I am not having anyone tell me about him anymore- so attention EVERYONE
EVERYONE AT SHU LAW SCHOOL AND BRIAN'S FRIENDS FROM HOME:
Stop telling me shit about him. I don't want to fucking hear it. It's boring. Who cares. He sucks. He's old news. I can't stand hearing about him anymore. And quite honestly, I can't handle hearing it. It's really fucking depressing. OK?
Ok.
Nothing that happens to him matters really.

And I am fucking strong enough to forget about him. And screw giving into weakness- cause I have been indulging in self-pity and misery and that's total bullshit. I just got stabbed in my Achilles heel, but I can still be Achilles. I really have been just letting myself think all this sad shit because it's much easier than trying hard to be happy. I have been destroying myself to such an extent that it's absurd. Fuck it. I love challenges. I just love em. And finally I can see things in a way that I can accept them. It is a challenge for me to be strong here, and get over him, and cut him off. But I can do it. If I give a shit about myself at all, I will. I have to. There's really just no other way. It's not me. It's just not the me that I've been all my life. All my life I've been a strong person. On purpose. Strong, and always doing what's right. And now I have to do what's right for me and nobody else. It isn't ok to hurt yourself. In a way I think some people accept hurting themselves as ok. I mean that people think so long as what they do doesn't hurt anyone else, it's ok- like when you lie. Even if you lie to someone else, and in lying you are avoiding hurting someone- it hurts you and your soul to be a liar.

So I finally was ready to tell him that I am sick of all this shit and I have had enough and it's over. And do you know that that son of a bitch wouldn't even answer the phone then? I called him like 10 times in a row- which is the first time I have ever done that to him- cause it was so so important to me to get this over with- I couldn't wait another minute. And that son of a bitch turned off the ringer cause he was playing cards with his girlfriend's parents. I mean what if I was in trouble or in an emergency? Seriously- when someone calls you that many times in a row that means it's really important. Asshole. Well he finally called me back. But still that asshole stole my thunder by not answering when I was super ready to say what I had to say. Anyhow, I got it out.

And I realized so much. I had been projecting. I had been only seeing the good in him. And it's my own hopes and optimism that morphed him into some perfect person that he simpy isn't. He's not good enough for me, and he has even said before that he's not good enough for me. And that's fucking sad that he's just not even interested in being a better man and being good enough. He knows he only looks out for himself, that when it's really important, he doesn't do the right thing, that he won't make sacrifices- even small ones- for another person's well-being, that he was a horrible boyfriend, that he used me, he drained me and sucked me dry, and never had the decency to just fucking be honest or up front with me in spite of the fact that I gave him everything and treated him better than he'll ever be treated by anyone, no doubt. I don't doubt for one goddamn second that he'll ever be treated as well, with more respect, care, and devotion. SO fuck him for throwing that all away! These are the choices he has made and they reflect that he is a person of weak character if any character at all. And I DON'T love him. I was fucking fixated and infatuated and stupid. It's not love when it's one-sided. It's just some other crazy bullshit, and I am soooo sick of being crazy over him.

What I want in a man more than anything else is for him to "not just be like everyone else". And he is. He's just a blurred face in a crowd of followers. He's not a hero. He's not. There is nothing inside of him that makes him admirable. And I need someone admirable and strong hearted. He's a goddamn tragic dissapointment. And I know how important it is to not let people down. It's imperative, especially to the people you care about. And for him to let me down after how fucking close we were, how he knew me and what he had is a fucking crime. In a sense I was like family to him. That close. On his side. An intimate part of his world. And for some time it was like we were married. Anyone who could be as cruel and heartless and selfish as he was is not for me. I need someone who has the capacity for greatness. I need someone who holds himself by the highest standards he can and higher. I need someone who wants to be the best he can be. And Brian lacks that quality entirely. He's fucking attractive- attractive personality and looks, and good lord he's charming- but fuck that- Hugh Grant's charming as hell and he fucks hookers. And basically Brian is just like that. Great qualities like Hugh Grant. I'm sure Hugh Grant would be really hard to get over cause he has great qualities and doesn't suck. But the man fucks hookers! The man fucked a hooker while he had Liz Hurley- who is like totally awesome! And I suppose Mr. Grant is probably that same kind of man. Attractive, but not admirable. Not someone you see as strong hearted or an exemplary human being.

I'm sorry boys. I'm sorry for these past few months where I saw only the good parts in Brian and the bad parts in you. It's fucking stupid. But I am snapping the hell out of it. But I'm still very selective though, and I'm not sleeping with you unless you're really special (or Colin), no doubt. I know now that no matter what happened with me and Brian, he's not changing because of it. Perhaps he has some sense that what he did was wrong, but there's no reason for me to be so stupid as think he isn't capable of being a weak asshole once again. People simply don't change that quickly.

So. It's OVER! I am done with it. I am done with him. I am done with allowing myself to indulge in the misery of it all. Fuck that. That's just not the kind of person I really truly am. No man should destroy me or hold me back. He should only bring out the best in me.

And I had applied to this special comedy writing class that starts in January and performs in NYC in March at a great venue. I got accepted. Everything is falling into place. God had mercy on my ass and kicked me out of law school so that I could pursue a happier life. I would have never had the balls to really pursue comedy seriously if I hadn't tried with law school. But now I have the license to reinvent myself and follow my dreams because it's my only damn choice. Balls balls balls. It's all about balls and I've got em now. For the first time I can truly say, I don't love him. He doesn't love me. He's not worth it.

It's fucking over.
He's not my problem or my baggage anymore.
I am smiling. It wasn't easy, but now I am smiling inside and out!
(And a good link I can at least relate to)

And finally- the soundtrack for today:
My homegirl Kelly's Since U Been Goneand not as applicable, but still
Alicia Keys "Karma"

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

I love me a nice bowl of celebrity.

My behavior when I am alone is atrocious. A man who does business with my work just dropped by and left the office with a big tray of holiday cookies. They looked fabulous and colorful and smelled yummy. After the man left and it was just me and the cookies, I sort of flapped/waved my hands about excitedly and bit my lip while a big smile developed on my face. I realized I was doing this over cookies. I should really be penalized for this. So I am not gonna let myself have one of those cookies till I learn how to play it cool and calm the hell down/chill the fuck out and stop acting like a goddamn sissy. Oh how I wish that Jesse Ventura's character from Predator was here to tell me that and get me in shape. Oh I love that character- here's the best quote from that movie delivered by mister Ventura himself:
Blain: "Bunch of slack-jawed faggots around here. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me."

Moving onward, inspired by Arif, I am gonna share a brief recap of my celebrity encounters thusfar. But let me preface it by saying that I really like meeting celebrities and having interludes with them because celebrities are basically the accomplished people in this world who make the most impact- at least the people that make the most impact tend to be famous- not that I think AT ALL that all celebrities are important in the least bit. Plus they tend to be interesting and talented. It's kind of like in Forrest Gump- these interactions with people who shape history. And to meet people who inspire you- it's all good stuff.
So here's the list:
Ed Harris- took picture with
Janet Reno- asked question and took picture with on diff occasions
Senator Kennedy- interned for, took picture with
Al Gore- shook hands a lot, campaigned for
Bill Bradley- shook hands, took picture, chatted
Jake Gyllenhaal- made fun of him, took picture
Famke Jansson- said wassup to
Vincent Gallo- emailed, bumped into
Bill Murray- asked question, told me I had nice boobs
Spike Lee- asked question
Martin Scorcese- asked question
Kenneth Lonergan- shook hands, gave a wassup to
John Cleese- asked question
Nancy Pelosi- shook hands, chatted with
Edward Norton- He moved a chair out of the way for me so that I could get by at a bar
Bill and Hillary Clinton- shared a plane ride with, chatted with both and shook hands, got autograph and well wishes from Bill
Barbara Walters- bumped into, gave a wassup to, she wasn't very friendly
Derrek Jeter- When I was in high school, I had no idea who he was, but he said hi to me. I just thought he was some friendly man and said hi and walked past. My friends (boys) saw from afar and freaked out (do you know who that was?).
Howard Dean- shook hands
Donald Trump- took picture with
Sandra Day O'Connor- took picture with
Senator McCain- Shared little train under the capitol with
George Stephanopolous- physically bumped into once, bumped into again at a Cosi
Bob Dole- asked question
Tori Amos- shook hands
Rufus Wainwright- chatted with
Cong. Gephardt- asked question
Colin Powell- asked question, shook hands
the following MTV VJs: Gideon Yago (chatted with), John Norris (chatted with), and Carson Daily (shook hands)
Those dudes from Crossfire
Plus various encounters with a bunch of commedians from SNL, Conan O Brian, The State, Stella, Daily Show, Reno 911 and UCB, Sarah Silverman, Janeane Garafolo, Jon Stewart, Ben Stiller, etc.
I guess I've seen others, but I wouldn't count my encounters with them to be significant enough, plus I don't know how famous they are.
I think that's it for now.
I think all of these encounters took place in DC and NYC.

I'd say my most favorite encounter was with Bill and Hillary Clinton. And when I told Jake Gyllenhaal to stop acting like a little bitch cause he was acting like a little bitch. Actually Edward Norton goes up there too cause he gave me the sexiest little smile when he moved that chair out of my way. How polite. I was rendered speechless and just walked on by. Is this boring? I dunno. Arif thought it was interesting stuff. So blame him if you don't like it.

The poem that was here, she's gone. I suppose she doesn't fit in.
But I am really fucking so pissed off that it's December and I really haven't come very far in getting over that dude. It's driving me nuts.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Puss-hats and so much more.


Kitty needs a puss-hat.

Oh what a frosty morning. It's 12 degrees out and the ground is covered in a soft blanket of moderately evil snow. I have got my big floppy furry aviator hat complete with fur ear flaps and a neck clasp that sometimes gets stuck so that when it comes time to take off my big floppy furry aviator hat it stays on a little longer than necessary leaving me vulnerable to awkward moments of unnecessary hat wearing. Big fat mittens kept my fingerers(*) in check. Set out like a warrior against the cold, the only places that got attacked were my nose and my knees. And my toes but that's all my fault. Me and self-control have a rocky relationship. I love to squish and crush the snow under my boots. And if there's little ice patches on the ground, I simply must step on the patch and feel my feet slide just a little bit, so I get that momentary ice skating sensation. And I have a semi-long walk from the PATH to the office, so all this snow smooshing and compacting tends to leave the toes and feet colder than they would otherwise be if they weren't subjected to my cruel and relentless snow-love.
Dear Toes,
I'm sorry to you as well.
I am a naughty naughty girl.
So naughty. And bad.
Spank me.
-Heather

I am a Heather.
I thought that if I did commit suicide, I could at least make it funny. I could do a "Heathers" spoof, which might be really appropriate. I could drink Drano and highlight the word eskimo in some novel. And Drano is pretty powerful stuff, so it's probably pretty foolproof. Or at least I felt a little inspired when I Dranoed my tub yesterday. I put the bottle down though. I am not nearly famous enough to be committing suicide. I figure that I am only allowed to if and when I am famous and in my prime. And my parents would have to be gone by then. I think it would also be good if I was like in my thirties and unmarried with no kids. Oh, well maybe I would have a husband that I never truly loved. That would work. And some big scandalous secret that only gets revealed to upon death. I'd also have to put together a lot of really great art to be discovered so that I could be posthumously appreciated far more than when I was alive. But I am so not properly outfitted by life to carry out such a plan as of yet.

Taming the Shrew
So with the risk of boys reading this and knowing more about me than they ought to, I am going to reveal a little somethin somethin. I am like crazy crazy afraid of commitment right now. And it's a service to you men, really. I am in no way shape or form over my ex, so the truth is, no matter who you are or how much or little I like you, I am thinking about him at least a little bit when I am with you. So really, why would you want to bother with that kind of baggage? Not to say that I don't want you men. Some of you attract me, some of you are fun, some of you are neat. But I can't be tamed at this point in time. Boys, I like you, I need you for entertainment and companionship, but for no longer than a few hours. Wine me. Dine me. Then give me some space.
Anyhow I am a damn little bitch. One thing I like with boyfriends is to make little demands. Like give me a hot chocolate! It's so luxurious to get away with making demands. But I am a giver too. For every demand I make, I surely compensate wink wink (I have plenty of 10 percent off coupons to Subway to go around, awww yeaah I treat the fellas right mm hmm).


Number Munchers
up in this peice.
And for the real deal I got some mothafukin logo turtle up in here too. repeat 3 [forward 50 right 60] biiiitch. Also, you can't take more than 200 pounds of meat on the wagon you know that, don't you? Fucking Peter's Dyptheria.

Um wow. My boss just gave me a Christmas present. He said he was going to give me an Ipod, but didn't know if I had one. So instead he gave me more than enough cash to cover the cost of one. Being in the workforce is soo cool!!!

*fingerers is a borrowed word first used by someone else

Saturday, December 18, 2004

If you go to Pastis try the warm chocolate cake, it gave me a sensation that I faintly remember from the "sex" I had, oh about a year ago . . .

Back in college on the last day of class in Philosophy 119: Nineteenth Century Philosophy, we sat there and ate holiday snacks that the Professor had brought in for the last class. She was German and had just shared with us that she liked Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Then this kid stood up and said, "What is wrong, really, with hating black people and being racist?"

Friday, December 17, 2004

Sportif!

Where's my Hot Toddy?
I want a hot toddy (I've never had a hot toddy, I'd like to try one).


Chrismukkah backlash

Oh god I love the O.C. Last night's episode was sublime. I love the new lesbian plot that's about to unfold. I wish Summer got better stuff to say like last season. I wish I could hang out with Seth Cohen and have his babies. I love Seth Cohen so he's getting a poem too:
Dear Seth Cohen
I wish you were real
and we were fucking.

Tonight me and the ladies are going to the meatpacking district. I heard it's really trendy so I want to make sure I fit in and so I got me this outfit:

And I don't want to seem like I am some kind of amature, so I got a steak and rubbed it in to make it really authentic.
Pastis. Tonight's destination.



So my commrades have finished their first semester of law school which I was not a part of. Watching them do it, I got sad that I didn't have a second chance to prove myself. The curve is new, I know my shit, I could surely do it. And there lies the only reason I would ever want to go back- because I could shut people up and show them I could do it if I wanted to. But that's a stupid ass reason to do it. I don't want to be a lawyer. I decided in July I don't want anything to do with the law. Since July I'd say I turned down about 5 paralegal jobs, 1 legal secretary job, and 2 legal research jobs with higher pay and better benefits. I want this job I have. I get paid shit, but I get to be in SoHo everyday, my bosses treat me well and are basically friends with me, I get to learn about the entertainment biz and about art, and I get all this extra time to write and do other things I actually enjoy, and I can use the office space if I ever need to rehearse or other stuff like that. I'm not stressed out, there's nobody in the office pissing me off or bringing me down. I can watch movies and listen to music and play on the internet all day. Basically no worries. It's a great place to be right now as I find my way and find where I really want to be.

What the fuck links:
Everyone's favorite murderer?
Not a bad idea (especially for Southerners and Nova Scotia)

And finally, I'll share some beef about being single in a post-college world (and in an environment with few co-workers for that matter). When you're not in school, you're not in a group setting. In a group setting, you can get to know a member of the opposite sex without ever having to be one on one. You have all the time in the world to discover whether or not this person is attractive. I fucking hate dates and I hate dating. The only part I like is going to new places and stuff like that. But I never really dated before. I never wanted anyone to have my damn phone number. I don't like the one on one thing. I want to have one on one time with someone I've developed some long winded crush on. And that usually happens with someone you spend a lot of time with in a non-dating capacity. But that won't happen in this little life I'm living right now. It's so annoying. The only guys I've ever had crushes on were from school, work, or an activity I did where I saw them all the time and there were other people and other tasks at hand. So honestly, I have been forcing myself to date lately- cause it blows being this in love with my ex. And I don't even like it. I just wanna hang. I hate the expectations. I hate the awkward moments. I hate having them pay and then me feeling like I owe them something.

I'm such a little bitch. Somebody give me a goddamn pedicure and a caramel apple. And a hot toddy. And a blow job (yes, I mean you Farrel, goddamn it son git your shit together).

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Mood Over Butter.

Just letting y'all know that I slept fine the last two nights and everything is cool with me on that end. I am really happy that everything with the break in turned out ok for what could have turned out badly. Also, I have been having pleasant evenings and pleasant dinners lately with pleasant people. I feel pleasant about it.

I waaaas feeling sad this morning. I was going to type up a mood peice on sad stuff. Like this:

Here is a puppy that nobody wants and is on it's way to die.

But my boss and I are having fun today. For gifts for his clients, he picked up a bunch of Dear Santa letters that they get at the post office. Some of the letters are really sad and the kids ask for stuff, and you can tell they are poor and everything, and so my boss is buying the gifts for the kids. So for each of his clients and friends he picked a different letter, and he bought these cool glittery boxes, and fancy colored parchment paper, and I am designing a nice printout for it, and we are attaching the kid's letter. One little girl said she doesn't have much monies (don't worry, I corrected it in red pen and sent it back to her) and all she wants is a McDonalds McFlurry Maker- described by Target "Make your own McFlurry just like they do at McDonald's and be the envy of all your friends. This personal-sized snack bar lets you mix up a McFlurry any time, any place." Man. How can I live without that? And also this boss treated me to lunch. I love that. Little perks- like just being given a cookie even- totally perks me up. I guess that's why I am glad I am not super rich. Cause it must be harder to please a rich person.

Yesterday someone searched "Why does my back feel like burning?" and wound up at my site. That's my favorite so far. I don't suppose I provided any answers. But perhaps I provided a youthful sense of disdain and maybe sleep apnea. I don't know if I can provide that even, but, just imagine . . . what if? . . .

Mood Change: Irritated. I was bouncing about and cheerful just before- remember? But then the other boss comes in. He's a good guy but he comes in late and has me do stupid crap when there's not much time left in the day, and has me put money in his meter- that's right- in the freezing cold. (Today's a real whore of a day I tell ya) The water in my cells froze into little cell ice cubes. But all over the streets are frozen puddles of pee and spit. And I prefer it that way cause it's easier to avoid (or collect).

Mood Change: Cheerful. Christmas music (there's some beach boys xmas on). And also there's glitter all over the office from the gift boxes. As a small boy I used to like to dip my hands in the glitter that we used to make stuff with in art class. And I would also pour the glitter on my face and hair in small amounts. People would sometimes tell me I had glitter on me like it was a problem. It was not a problem to me. Coat anything ANYTHING in glitter and it becomes like 10 times better. Even 98 degrees!

Oh you guys, you are 2 much!

All I want for Christmas is a Reebok Sneaker Car.

And to be loved. By somebody.

Even this guy.

According to his website, he likes chains.

Monday, December 13, 2004

I'm a kitty

This morning I noticed a strange amount of people smiling at me and looking at me kinda funny. One man on his bike even giggled as he made eye contact. Perhaps it is my particularly charming furry neck scarf. Or perhaps it is the fact that I have a fixed look of terror on my face and I look like I am totally buggin out. Screw the Kafka cockroach, I've turned into a paranoid little kitty ever since yesterday at approximately 4pm. Let me explain:

So I had originally planned to go to Williamsburg Sunday to a commercial shoot which my place of employment is doing some production work on. But I didn't. Nobody was home and I did my favorite Sunday activity- shamelessly doing nothing- tv, internet, effortless snacking with no real cooking, sitting on my ass, and hell no I hadn't bothered to shower or brush them teeths. At about 4pm I hear a weird knock on the door, but houses are close together in Hoboken, so I figure maybe it's the neighbors, I'm not expecting anyone- and if it was important they could ring the doorbell or call my cell. But it was a weird knock anyway. A poundy-knock. I don't look out the window cause I don't want whoever is out there to see me not answering the door. A minute or so later, I hear pounding.

Oh and about my place, I live in a 3 floor brownstone in Hoboken, there's a basement which nobody lives in and we share with the 2nd floor. On the 1st and 2nd floors are separate apartments.

So I peek out the window, I don't see anybody. Nobody is by the front door. But I can't see the basement door from the window, and a bike is leaning up against the little fence and it's not locked up so whoever it is might be leaving in a hurry. And so I hear the weird and scary pounding. Of course I am thinking -who is that-what the hell is that- what are they doing. I call the landlord, it's not him. I peek out my front door into the hallway. I look downstairs to the basement and the thumping is coming from in there. Ack I am scared. I consider going to check it out. Perhaps if I bring my pepper spray it would be ok. But in the vain of rock paper scissors, potential gun beats out pepper spray hands down. I call the cops- but you know- I was still wondering if I should, maybe I was hearing things, maybe it's the girl from upstairs doing something weird. So I call them. I am peering out the window like a freaked out cat, with my digital camera in hand so I could take a picture of any potential bad guy if I had to. Camera dies on me. Gulp.

Cops arrive pretty quickly, all I can see is them run up to the basement and drag out a big scary man! Ack! I'm not going out there! I am glued to my window . . . what if there's more! There weren't. There was this large man and I didn't see his face but man he was not a gentle looking lad in the least. It's awfully surprising to see such a thing pulled out of your house. Oh and that thumping was so scary I have to say. Like in the movies where you can hear the bad guy coming for you. That's what it seemed like. I have no idea what's on the other side of the door, just that it seems like it's bad and it's coming to get me.

But I was so happy when those cops were there, I felt like I won the lottery. They got him! I was safe, my stuff was fine, all he busted was the window and the door in the basement. I thought it turned out really well for what could've turned out badly. Nothing bad happened to me at all, so I thought that sleeping last night would be easier.

It wasn't. Nothing bad happened to me but that guy really scared the crap out of me! And I lie in bed last night all jittery and then the thoughts come on, what if I went down there. What if he hit me with that big crowbar, he only had a bike to escape, so how much could he take with him, maybe he was coming for us girls . . . oh my god, what if he has been watching us and scoping out the place. . . what if he knows stuff about us . . . maybe that's why he targeted us, a house full of girls . . . maybe he was there to get us . . . what if someone is watching in my house right now, one of this guy's friends . . . what if they are mad at us for calling the cops and busting him . . . my stomach hurts . . .

Yeah I only got about 2 hours of sleep last night. I have turned into a kitty. Right as it happened I was glued to the window sill, peeking out like a scared and frantic little thing, my eyes wide open. I didn't know what to do after the cops left and the landlord didn't get there yet. I was just kind of buzzing about the room like a cat scurrying away from whatever they scurry from. This morning I have the demeanor of a cat when you wave a feather in front of its face, how the kitty kind of jilts its head about with watchful eyes. And weird enough, in order for me to gain those two hours of sleep, I asked myself what would make me feel better. The answer was to have my ex there (he's a big guy too) sort of just next to me, tucking me into my blankets, petting me. Well not petting me like a kitty, but doing that sort of hand stroking your hair, calming and soothing you to sleep, whispering that everything is gonna be ok. So I took a big pillow and put it next to me like he was there and let my imagination take me to sleep. And it worked. For a few hours. Soon after the clock was laughing at me every time I looked at it- like - you think you're gonna go back to sleep- dream on. Oh wait you cant dream on cause you can't sleep. Booyah. Stupid clock.

Ugh so I am a stupid wussy girl right now and all I want is a man to take care of me at this point in time. But it's only cause you guys are bad and do bad stuff to scare the crap out of us women. Otherwise I can open jars and build stuff so don't get the wrong idea here. I think I just need a good nights sleep to shake it off. Here's hoping for better luck tonight. Oh yeah, and my really nice landlord owns a steakhouse in Jersey City and he treated me to dinner there and it was such an amazing meal. All the dishes there are about 30 bucks plus and I got to have whatever I wanted! Meat's the best! I got me a big ol juicy steak and oysters and wine and cappuccino and other stuff. He encouraged it. So that was a nice fringe benefit of the whole thing. Oh and one final mentionable of the weekend, I had a lot of fun Saturday night at the Onion Holiday party and Todd Barry and Stella were reliably great (ps- Stella will probably have this year's holiday show in January) and then stopped at what appeared to be Ed Helms' Holiday party where there were really yummy whoresderves (ha! whorsederves, I am 2 much!) but unfortunately they needed some reheating. Time to stop talking. Must find yarn and hit at it with my paws.

Let me go you crazy bitch!

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Scary!

As you could see from my previous post I was doing nothing much on this Sunday other than sitting on my ass. Well someone just broke into my house and the police came and arrested him and it was crazy. I am ok, my stuff is ok. I am freaked out. My heart is beating. I am not staying in this place. Peace out dudes, I'll fill you in on details later . . .

Flickin Through the Channels on a Sunday Mornin

Robo-Maid. Fuck that. That is so 80s robot design. That's so not gonna fly in my apartment. My basic rule of life is that my robotic carpet cleaner should be streamlined and in touch with modern 21st century sensibilies.

YES


NO

Also, I just think it’s really fucked up how the entire Spanish speaking American population is suffering of severe mental deficiency and not a one of us are doing anything to help. Now I’ve met some Spanish Speaking Americans, and talking to them face to face they seem ok. But COME ON! Have you seen the Spanish Channel? Once you are able to peel your eyes away from the plentiful and delicious ass that’s shaking in front of you, the gentle landscape left behind is no Manet. No. If you really take notice of what these people are watching, it’s pretty sick. Now I don’t know, I mean Save the Children and March for Dimes have been around a long time and I doubt they still need your money. Now I know that charities are few and far between, so I guess why I am even bothering bringing this up is cause I saw a goddamn man in a spandex sailor suit on the tv this morning have a seal (the recording artist- not really- the animal- ha! Ha!) move about the stage, and everyone was screaming and clapping. And then a man on a plastic bike yells “Ricky Martin”, dips his face in cake, as a hot chick screams at him while squeezing a dog toy.

I am telling you, this is feeding the cultural divide. There’s a reason why the American Spanish speaking population is economically disadvantaged- they are being fed this fascistic oppressive bullshit and it’s maybe even giving them stupidity induced brain damage. My solution? Donate money and we can raise enough to finally afford the massive gas chambers we need to put them out of their misery.

Saturday, December 11, 2004

The House of Sand and Fog


I think this movie is about pain. I had felt I wanted to die before. At that time I was reading about it and one statement that puts that desire in a nutshell best was that it comes when your pain outweights your ability and resources to cope with the pain. I think one reason pain hurts worse is when the pain seems to come undeserved, without reason, or with an unexplainable magnitude far greater than what is manageable. This movie asks questions about pain and leaves them unanswered, and in that way it mirrors life with sharp resolution. There's no answers or moral declarations, simply explorations.

It's beautifully acted. Ben Kingsley and Shohreh Aghdashloo were nominated for their performances, and Ben was so so amazing. Shohreh's role was much smaller though. Really great, but it's surprising to me that she was nominated and Jennifer Connelly was not. She was so amazing in this. I really think she could just do any role and be magnetic and powerful. I think she's one of the best living actresses out there and anyone who's lucky enough to cast her has a gem on their hands. I truly think she could do no wrong. Also, the son was played really well, but the guy who played deputy was really good, but not as stellar as the others. I really hated the Deputy as a character though.

Bravo to the movie's art director and/or DP. Whoever was responsible for those magnificent landscapes and perfectly composed shots deserves a big shout out. Whole thing was great. And it's one of the few movies that actually made me cry. I recommend it.

About 2 other movies I've seen recently- The Life and Death of Peter Sellers- it was ok. It used a really cool storytelling technique I've never seen before and it should be applauded for that, but overall, it was kind of messy. And not Rush's best work either. Also, the Bourne Supremacy. That was fun and suspenceful. Nothing spectacular. Well done though and a good movie. Bless that Matt Damon and his well developed body. Joan Allen really stood out for me in that one. I think she could be cast in powerful roles that are originally written for men. Also, if you haven't seen her in The Contender, you're missing out.

Friday, December 10, 2004

Oh hell yeah

New Trailer for War of the Worlds

FINISH HIM



I'm feeling utterly uninspired today, but I simply cannot leave you for the weekend with the echos of my unfulfilled concupiscence set forth in yesterday's post. The plans on the weekend horizon are promising, so I promise to give you juicy oysters on Monday. I love when chefs refer to juicy peices of turkey meat that you pull off the bird as oysters (which I am not sure actually happens or if it's in my imagination, it's still nice). Moving along,

Devon reminded me that I love Mortal Kombat and Tekken 2. Which further reminds me that I take a whole hearted pleasure specifically in making video game characters move in innane ways. I love making Mario walk into a wall and watch him as he keeps trying to walk forward when common sense dictates that he is simply not going to get anywhere. And back to Mortal Kombat, I loved making the oh so cool Johnny Cage do splits over and over. He'd be in his tough battle stance, yet under my control his fists of fury are rendered utterly useless as I make him do split after split, up and down. Yes, an impertinent milktoast like myself who enjoys the likes of Nietzsche and who can properly pronounce Goethe (Guurtah) finds great pleasure in watching Johnny Cage do splits over and over again.

INTERMISSION
I interrupt this posting to give you some useful information

The Blue on this chart represents the amount of time that I think about doing Colin Farrell. The Red, which represents all of my leftover time, is consumed by contruction paper and glue crafts in which I make greeting cards and collages for my parents to put up on the fridge.

MY FATHER
Speaking on the phone with my dad today, I remembered my Dad's search for boiled peanuts. We drove to Florida when I was young, I think in 5th grade. And he pulled off the highway cause he saw some cardboard sign for boiled peanuts. He insisted it was a regional specialty and that it would be really "neat" to try them. So here we are, cooped up kids in our crappy pontiac with no A.C. and hot hot heat, and dad decided we need boiled peanuts. To which we moan and whine, "Ew, boiled peanuts", and "No dad, we want to go to Disney World, when are we going to get to Disney World" and "we want to play" and "Why isn't mom driving". My mother concurs. But no. Dad insists we need to try this regional specialty. So all I remember is getting off this exit, in that crappy let me out of the goddamn car mode, and there's no bioled peanuts. There's weird shacks made out of scrap metal and a whole lot of nothing in the middle of nowhere Florida. Long story short I think he put a what is in my memory a few hours to get these peanuts. Verdict- "Not bad." Years later I had them in Florida when I visited Brian. They're pretty good. Not drive all over the damn place in the hot heat good. But good.

My dad's quirky. To an extent you could never fathom in a million years. Today we laughed because he found this sign I stole years ago from a park in LBI that says "No Dogs Allowed in Park". We stole it cause of some memory we had with the sign (my friends and I, not my parents). I had stolen this other funny sign from this park in my home town (Imagination Station) and my mom found it and came with me to take it back where it came from. So my dad was about to take the No Dogs sign back to the park in my town cause he thought it was from there (he's cleaning outthe garage). And he just started laughing really hard and thought maybe he should bring the sign there anyway and wait with his digital camera to take pictures of all the pissed off people who try to bring their dogs to the park cause they are normally allowed to. I'm pretty sure he's not going to do that. I asked him to keep the sign for me. It will have a good home some day.

Amusing Johnny Depp.

Sometimes I just wish for Normal Reproduction.

This will be good (for Justin, a fan of the novel).

PS- Friends, on the subject of New Years Eve, everyone is all "What are you doin New Years" and I am all, "No idea". Anybody got ideas, suggestions?

Thursday, December 09, 2004

What Christmas Means to me

Dear Santa,

Seeing as how I save intercourse for someone really special, in the meantime, I wish for good quality heterosexual pornography that includes men who are really attractive, you know, they resemble Colin, Depp, Adam Brody, Ron Livingston, Brad Pitt, etc. The men must not look like they are on steriods or like Ron Jeremy or Fabio, must have fit bodies, really cute faces, and be equipped with normal, healthy looking and medium-large sized weaponry. They must not be hairless. Groomed is more like it. I wish for them to perhaps be dressed in college guy clothing- most specifically the long sleeved shirt with short sleeve shirt over it, paired with distressed look jeans, and they shall have moderate facial hair and soft messy hair. And they should be wearing boxers or boxer briefs- ya know, all before they begin their work. I would like them to be rather excellent lovers and I would like to see lots of close ups of their activities. Because you see, there is an awful lot of pornography on the internet, yet none with individuals starring in it as I have set forth herein. And Santa, you fucking fat peice of shit, no, you're not eligible for the part.
Thanks.

Love,
Heather

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Colin Farrell is so hot I would eat my friends for an opportunity to heartily palm his naked bottom with my bare hands.

Spike Lee
So I had a great time on Monday night when I went to see Spike Lee speak at the Apple Store with my boss and his friend. I actually got a lot of perspective on being a filmmaker, more than I expected to gain from this short talk with questions and answers. But he has a quality that I place utmost importance on- honesty and sincerity. If a person can talk to you straightforward- no bullshit- no niceties- no mask- they just have so much more to offer in each enunciation. So thanks Spikey (which apparantly his grandma used to call him . . .).

I would say that Spike brought up tons and tons of interesting points so I can't share it all, but here's some highlights:
Much of the evening he spoke about issues with funding and financing films (for Do The Right Thing- to buy more rolls of film he and his crew actually saved bottles and recycled them for the 5 cents), getting your work seen, and about how new technology makes filmmaking so much more affordable and available to the masses. A lot of talk was also about how if you want to be a filmmaker, or pursue any dream, you just have to get your ass up and do it. So when this dude was asking (bitching) about how his film was rejected from Sundance 6 times and how he's never going to get it made and it's all Sundance's fault- Spike got pretty pissed at him- all like what are you talking about you dumbass, etc. And then he also shared how awards don't matter either, reminded us that the film that won the Academy Award the year that "Do The Right Thing" came out was Driving Miss Daisy. And nobody gives a crap about Driving Miss Daisy today, but people care about and talk about Do The Right Thing.

He talked a lot about how what you have to do is find your unique voice in filmmaking. I asked him why, since his body of work and his unique voice has focused on the Civil Rights movement and the Black American Experience, he was interested in the subject material of 25th Hour. And then he was like, what about Summer of Sam? And I said, yeah that too. And he said, (more or less) "well I have a voice even when there's no black star in my movies. A huge part of me is my voice as a New Yorker. And all of my films were shot in New York (everyone cheered for that)." He was interested in these stories as an element of the New York experience. And 25th Hour was one of the first films to shoot a post 9-11 NYC (including a memorable shot of Ground Zero. Other interesting insight was when he discussed the process of making a film you wrote vs one someone else wrote. He said that the well enjoyed scene in 25th hour where Norton is in front of the mirror was originally taken out of the adaptation (it was in the novel) cause the studio (Disney) thought it wasn't likable, but he fought to get it back in. On the subject of ownership he said that it saddens him that the only film of his that he owns is Do The Right Thing, and he envies Jim Jarmush for owning all of his. He talked about the benefits of film school but also how you don't need it to succeed. Also, about a regret of his, he said that if he had more maturity when he made Do The Right Thing, he would have used more sensitivity in filming the rape scene, which he says he approached too casually, and he wishes he could change that.

And then after I went to dinner with my boss and his friend. His friend reminds me of a cheerful more delightful Jon Lovitz. And his (my boss's friend) son is an up and coming talented actor who was on CSI last night getting beat up by Ice T. My boss watched and says he's got loads of talent. Cool. I love the people in this gosh darned city and all their gosh darned talent. Also cool- he does this thing you all should know about- Operation Santa. He is trying to spread the word about something he's been doing for years. Every year the big post office in NYC (the pretty on next to MSG) gets tons of Dear Santa letters from kids asking for things for Xmas. And he goes and asks for some and tries to get what the kids ask for and send them to the kids. Anyone can do it. Often it's needy kids asking for bare necessities or a job for one of their parents or something. And he works to try to make these things happen. And other people do too- check it out.

Interesting Links- Hoaxes.
Cartoonista
Most awesome link ever
If you want a review of Life Aquatic from a blogger who saw it.
I mentioned this link before, but I really love Mark Romanek's site.

Onwards, Ho! (Ho is to be pronounced in the style of the Thundercats- I NEED this Halloween costume for next year)

So I went to a bar for "trivia night" last night, and purposely gave a wrong answer just cause me and my teammate freakin hated the guy who was on out team and just wanted him to be wrong. This guy was taking the trivia game all seriously, with comments like "Aw yeah boy, 5 points 5 points for us" and "That answer was all me" to other teams in a really non-cute non-appealing way. Seriously, what good is a guy if he isn't cute? No good. No good at all. This guy didn't even know any of the answers and we didnt need or want his stupid ass on our team anyways. But we did want the 50 dollar prize. But who's an even bigger asshole? I'll tell you:

Unnamed Executive at Unnamed Company we are making a commercial for. This big shot who's name is in the name of the company has been such a cheap bastard, and so annoying and always making up crap. And today he tried to get me in trouble! He was all pissy with my boss this morning, calling him up to say why didn't you call me yet, I told Heather to tell you I called yesterday around 4:30. And my boss asked me about it, and I was like, what the heck is he talking about? (my boss knows he's an ass anyway) Turns out there's a message on the voicemail and he had called at 6:30. Duh? Why the heck does mister bigshot want to get me in trouble? What a pain in the neck. Another example- he lost this folder of his and was acting like it was our responsibility to find it. SUCK me! Nah it's ok though cause he has mood swings and he's nice this hour.

The DVD of Damage Control has been made. Let me know if you would like to watch it.

New Family Version 3.1 (see previous posts)

My Japanese Family chewed through their wraught iron cage yesterday and left nothing but their "droppings". Hopefully these guys are less fiesty and more forward-thinking.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Is this spam?

An email recieved this morning:
Good Day My name is Rose & Inna i hope you are feeling fine to have my mail so i want to tell you that my client want to rent your aprt room for 3 week rent my client want to star from june 2005 next year and also my client will pay for the tax because my client son will be uesd bicycle in the art so i want you to give the cost of 3 week rent so willing to haer from yousoon. Thanks alot.
Curry&Inna....

Now I've seen those ones with all the silly words trying to sell me stuff so that my penis will be better than it currently is, but what are they selling here? Why are they bothering? Is email perhaps the tool of the fucking stupid to just go be fucking stupid as they please? I am starting to believe we should deprive the mentally slow of keyboards if they are gonna lay this crap upon us. I mean first we let them talk (the RNC- with microphones nonetheless), but letting them type and communicate over the net? I'm not havin it. Exhibit B This blog focuses on a nice topic, but very uninformative.

Mildly Entertaining article.
and also in the news-

Another skinny white dude gets a prime comedy job: Ferguson=boring. Yeah, it's long bothered me that the "important" jobs in comedy, or at least the most recognized, are entirely dominated by skinny (eh, sometimes fat too) white men. When the fuck am I going to have a female late night talk show host? What is so great about Jimmy Kimmel, Carson Daily, and Jay Leno? Yeah, Conan is a genious, Kilborn is amusing (no Conan)and at least hot, and Letterman an awesome guy. But still- the only comedy we are seeing is from that point of view. And of course I could go on about how I feel comedy is power and we reaffirm exactly who is the status quo by who we have as our voice of satire- but seriously- in NYC, there's so many brilliant female comedians and none get shows on comedy central or late night talk show jobs. I like some of the shows on comedy central, but it might as well be called spike tv part two cause think about it- the man show, and every single other show stars men, even South Park . . . its like college boys are the only respected comedy demographic out there. SUCK ME you comedy bourgeousie!

Mmkay, I'll tell ya about Spike Lee later, I got me some work to do.

NYC SUBLET AVAILABLE:
"I was just offered a leading role in "Shear Madness" at The Kennedy Center in D.C. And FINALLY my Equity Card! I will be leaving 1/25 and returning 6/25. I will need to sublet my apartment. If you know of any trustworthy people looking to sublet for this time, please forward the link below. http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/sub/51280515.html Thanks Gang! I hope you are all well! Brad (Haley)" For those of you who saw Damage Control, that was the guy who played my romantic interest. Pretty cool for him, eh?

NEW MUSIC:
Every song I have heard from Azure Ray is great. Really great.

Monday, December 06, 2004

My Sunday afternoon in happy town

independent & Small Press Book Fair

I came to see the Daily Show vs Onion, but came early and caught a special little ditty about Howard Zinn's Voices of a People's History.
A charming surprise to remind me of all the things that used to inspire me before much of my recent disillusionment with modern life. Passages from the book were read by some actors.


Brendan Sexton III- who I loved in Pecker, and enjoyed in Welcome to the Dollhouse even though he was rather creepy in that one. And I envy him. I always wish I could be a Heather Fink III or something, but ladies don't do that. Would it be whack to name my kid of the future Heather Fink II? Nah, I already decided I would name my kid of the future Hagface. Yeah I know it's a bit of a hippy name, but what can I say, I drink soymilk like it was my mother's breast milk and I just can't get enough! Mmm especially in flavors like Chocolate Dream. Anyhow Mr. Sexton has an honest, natural appeal to him. I'd cast him.

(I know it's a bad picture, but she's the blonde in the middle)And then there was this chick, Christina Kirk, who knocked my socks off reading a passage by Susan B Anthony (she also kicked ass in her other readings) and I couldn't place my finger on where I knew her from. I knew her from the Stella Videos- which I have watched like a hundred million times. This chick can freakin act though. She has an Uma Thurman quality about her.


And then I had a friendly encounter with Wallace Shawn who was giving me a funny look. And I in turn gave him a funny look cause I hadn't recognized him yet and I was like, wait a minute, you're an actor. And he gave me a strange smile. Turns out that I was standing next to a man who had given him bad reviews and he thought that I was with him. And he thought I was taunting him by smiling at him. Ah well, bygons, I clarified that I in fact was not a critic. And I enjoyed his readings as well. This man has such a cheerful disposition and energy in his delivery, and of course a unique sensibility which I am sure earned him his Princess Bride role. You teenyboppers may remember him from Clueless.


On to the main event, which was quite a contrast to the Zinn reading- The Onion vs The Daily Show writers in a presidential debate. The Power kept going off. They speculated it was on account of the man keeping his watchful eye over us. Those millions of C-Span 7 viewers must have been sorely disappointed in this live telecast. What can I say, it was a lovely time. Reliably funny, with a touch of post election pain. These guys have got to love their audience. When you've got something as popular as the Daily Show and the Onion, people come hungry for laughs and they just love everything they hear. Comedians can't underestimate the power of the audience. Once you win them, they are the fuel that drives the show.


You know what else is happening? Well do you love Monty Python? Eric Idle? Mike Nichols? David Hyde Pierce? Tim Curry? Hank Azaria? Well let's bloody hope so if you have decent taste. And if you love these things, you'll love this: Spamalot. At least I hope I'll love it, seeing as how either I will shell out tons of money for the expensive as hell tickets, or somebody who really really thinks I am a swell gal will find it in their heart to buy me a ticket . . .

Then I went with a friend all about midtown on this perfectly Sunny day. And goddamn there's some awesome buildings nestled in between the numerous constructed business pillars with their massive glass and metal bodies pushing into the midtown skyline. To see pictures of some of these pretty buildings, chiggidy check my new flickr photos, dude. But I did come across something frightening, a company by the name

with a name like that they can only be working towards evil. I can only suppose there's evil 80s scifi robots being made in there and some big scary man in a big chair with lots of green lights in his office and hates children and steals their lunches and replaces the their lunches with small peices of gravel.

And then I ate some green curry beef.

To Be Alive

Heather, why are you so crazy?
-Because I make an effort to choose the road never traveled

Why if it makes you seem so weird sometimes?
-Because it's the only way to find out my potential

Why?
-Because if I am able to do something special I'm going to have to aquire it by exceptional means

Why?
-Because I want to share whatever I can inside me

Why?
-Because I have shared a little over the years and people liked it

Why?
-Because it can make people happy

What about you?
-Because it makes my cells move. So that the little cells in the dark caverns of my body have a chance to wake up and breathe. So that I make sure I use everything I've got. To be alive.

Huh?
-Because I know what it's like to want to die and if I am going to want to live I am going to have to want life.

Saturday, December 04, 2004

My head hurt brings you this Bollocks


The leftovers after a filling dinner of all the fish in the sea.

I found out yesterday that Brian's stupid fetus girlfriend visited here a few weeks ago, and he fucking took her to school with him. In the law school library. The library where I blew him. The library where we spent hours together. It's like our own special restaurant. That was our place where I think we spent most of our time together, besides my room. I feel like he took her to our place. And I feel embarrassed. That was my fucking old school. And it's so small. And they all know about me and Brian. And he brings this fucking girl, so they can all see and judge and see how I was replaced by some perky little teenager, and they can parade around together and there's nothing I can do about it. But I did hear she was short and plain looking.

It embarrasses me. Because I was so head over heels. Because I was stupid enough to think that we were so perfect and moving in together was a good idea. Because I thought our relationship was strong enough to last a summer apart. Because I believed all of his lies. Because I believed that I was a good enough person to not be cheated on. Because I believed that he was more of a man than he is. And him walking around with her in front of people I know is like physical evidence that I am the fucking fool. I was totally fooled. And I swear to god if I can't have a man who won't cheat and lie, then I don't want a fucking man at all. I'd rather fuck chia pets in their grating little chia holes.

I was really upset about this news yesterday. Then I spoke on the phone with an old friend who is the funniest person I have ever known and he cheered me right up. I couldn't believe it either, I haven't talked to him in years and he was the absolute perfect person to call. I think I laughed the entire time. Thank you sir. Oh yeah and before I talked to him I had a long ass convo with another old friend who I fell out of touch with. There was a bit of drama with us, but I had realized enough time and circumstances had passed that it's cool now. And . . . biggest best news of yesterday- I'm going to Japan! He lives there and is leaving in April and it occurred to me that it would be totally cool to visit there cause I never had a friend in Japan before. He said that would be totally cool and that I could come. I am going in March. I almost bought the tix yesterday- I found some for 700 with tax and everything. But I am gonna make sure I work it out with my bosses first. I'm so psyched- Japan!!! I figure if I don't go now I never will. Oh yeah and some friends will have a place in Warsaw and Krackow in Poland I could stay in April. If I can do both I would be the happiest little cracker this side of the Mississippi. Oh yeah and I have a friend moving to Puerto Rico now too. Hmmmm.

My brain hurts me. I drank way too much, but had lots of fun. Went to Sushi Samba and spent too much on fashionable sushi and drinks- which weren't enough so we went for pizza and a cheap bottle of wine right after. Sushi Samba is really cute and there's fun people, but for that price I've had much better sushi (Blue Ribbon on Sullivan!). But I did order one Kumamoto Oyster (Kumamotos and Blue Points are my favorite) and it was by far the most amazing one I have ever had. And then after the cocktails, bottle of wine, complimentary glass of wine from the Italian dudes who own the pizza place, we went onward for 2 for one drinks at some Wine bar, and ended up at Asylum. So yeah- I drank a lot. We all drank a lot. I have head hurt.


Remember how I confided in you all about my stolen family? Well I found out about this one in Japan who appear to have charmingly large eyebrows, and I found their addresses and likes and dislikes. Little Jen likes to collect funny shaped hats. It's only fair for me to steal my own. Quid pro quo baby. Quid quo pro.

Thursday, December 02, 2004

Avoidance of White Noise

Dear Mittens:
I'm really sorry for getting coffee on you this morning. I know it's too late to mention now, but if it helps, it was decaf.
Love,
Heather

I may have mentioned these bands before, but here's a reminder
Good music:
Muse
Keane
Decemberists
Rachael Yamagata
Bright Eyes
Cursive
And today's featured video: Straylight Run "Existentialism on Prom Night"- good song, and the whole video is shot on the PATH cars, where I spend most of my life. But at least I'm not riding it to Newark anymore. New York City baby, aw yeah. I'm sleepy.

Oh oui, et moi aiment le magasin de Apple dans SoHo. Vous devez le vérifier. Je vais voir le Spike Lee là lundi. Je parle seulement en français quand je parle du magasin de Apple.


My family was stolen and this family photo is all I have left of them.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Blogs are Number One! Go Blogs!


Don't forget to remember: Che was totally hot.

Blogs are "word of the year".
This is a blog. If you don't have a blog by now you are out of the times. Get with the times you grandpas. Also in the news, last night I died my hair red like the blood that flows through my veins. Alert the proper authorities.

It's so wet outside my gollashes cannot defend me. They do nothing to protect my thighs from the cold wet misery that pounds into them on wet and windy days like this. I wish instead of falling on me and making me wet, it would just let me join it and I could be a happy little rain drop traveling from cloud to city street or on somebody's jacket. Or I could spend my afternoon floating around with my friends in a puddle and splish splash. But if I were a rain drop I wouldn't get to pop bubble wrap or pet tigers. So never mind.


Alien visitors have been known to come to Earth
I saw these very skinny Malaysian girls walking in the city streets last night and they looked to me like how aliens taking human form and visiting our planet trying to go unnoticed would look. They were very thin, and had sharp, focused stares. They had layers upon layer of new, oversized, unmatched clothing on. It looked as though they went into a store, trying to imitate humans, and grabbed every item and put it on, regardless of coordinating colors or flattering cuts. They had floppy hats on and open jackets, and they walked very steadily, in what I suspect was a perfectly straight line. I wonder why they are here. Perhaps they were going to see the tree lighting and the great Jessica Simpson.

Also in the news, this morning in the PATH station, some dude was whispering in a low and creepy voice "Goood Mornnning, Goooood Morning . . . " over the loudspeaker. And I looked around with my "What the fuck is that" facial expression, and nobody else had that look. They were business men and women on the go. They truly could not be fucked with and pulled out of their zones. I hate that- when I think something is totally weird or out of whack and everyone else is all whatever.

My final piece of news is that yesterday one of the beauty queens asked me what state I represented. Yay! That's much better than the time I was mistaken for Montana Secretary of State, Bob Brown.


I bought this to protect me and my property, kind of like a gun, but more effective.