Wednesday, December 22, 2004

AWESOME

Today is a very new day. Fucking finally, for the very FIRST time, some things have been clicking and falling into place, and last night, I was finally able to take the first big step in moving forward after the breakup. See, the whole situation was easier to deal with when I knew they were apart. But now that he is back home with her, it's just whole new shit to deal with. So here I am thinking about that and getting really sad again. And I had also just been really feeling like such an asshole for feeling this hurt and hung up on things 5 months later. I was mad at myself for not having come farther than I have. Also, Brian and I had been talking pretty much every day still, on the phone or over emails or instant messenger. I was being so stupid and I thought I could handle it. I thought it was just easier. I thought I just didn't have it in me to be tough enough to just suck it up and cut him off.

But it's torture. And I have had enough of it. I cannot take talking to him anymore. I don't need to be making him laugh and smile anymore. Dammit I used to make audiences of 100-200 people laugh, I don't need this one. I can't take being heartbroken anymore. I am fucking fed up with this pathetic, whiney, complainey little wussy bitch me. Fuck it, she's gone. I am not having anyone tell me about him anymore- so attention EVERYONE
EVERYONE AT SHU LAW SCHOOL AND BRIAN'S FRIENDS FROM HOME:
Stop telling me shit about him. I don't want to fucking hear it. It's boring. Who cares. He sucks. He's old news. I can't stand hearing about him anymore. And quite honestly, I can't handle hearing it. It's really fucking depressing. OK?
Ok.
Nothing that happens to him matters really.

And I am fucking strong enough to forget about him. And screw giving into weakness- cause I have been indulging in self-pity and misery and that's total bullshit. I just got stabbed in my Achilles heel, but I can still be Achilles. I really have been just letting myself think all this sad shit because it's much easier than trying hard to be happy. I have been destroying myself to such an extent that it's absurd. Fuck it. I love challenges. I just love em. And finally I can see things in a way that I can accept them. It is a challenge for me to be strong here, and get over him, and cut him off. But I can do it. If I give a shit about myself at all, I will. I have to. There's really just no other way. It's not me. It's just not the me that I've been all my life. All my life I've been a strong person. On purpose. Strong, and always doing what's right. And now I have to do what's right for me and nobody else. It isn't ok to hurt yourself. In a way I think some people accept hurting themselves as ok. I mean that people think so long as what they do doesn't hurt anyone else, it's ok- like when you lie. Even if you lie to someone else, and in lying you are avoiding hurting someone- it hurts you and your soul to be a liar.

So I finally was ready to tell him that I am sick of all this shit and I have had enough and it's over. And do you know that that son of a bitch wouldn't even answer the phone then? I called him like 10 times in a row- which is the first time I have ever done that to him- cause it was so so important to me to get this over with- I couldn't wait another minute. And that son of a bitch turned off the ringer cause he was playing cards with his girlfriend's parents. I mean what if I was in trouble or in an emergency? Seriously- when someone calls you that many times in a row that means it's really important. Asshole. Well he finally called me back. But still that asshole stole my thunder by not answering when I was super ready to say what I had to say. Anyhow, I got it out.

And I realized so much. I had been projecting. I had been only seeing the good in him. And it's my own hopes and optimism that morphed him into some perfect person that he simpy isn't. He's not good enough for me, and he has even said before that he's not good enough for me. And that's fucking sad that he's just not even interested in being a better man and being good enough. He knows he only looks out for himself, that when it's really important, he doesn't do the right thing, that he won't make sacrifices- even small ones- for another person's well-being, that he was a horrible boyfriend, that he used me, he drained me and sucked me dry, and never had the decency to just fucking be honest or up front with me in spite of the fact that I gave him everything and treated him better than he'll ever be treated by anyone, no doubt. I don't doubt for one goddamn second that he'll ever be treated as well, with more respect, care, and devotion. SO fuck him for throwing that all away! These are the choices he has made and they reflect that he is a person of weak character if any character at all. And I DON'T love him. I was fucking fixated and infatuated and stupid. It's not love when it's one-sided. It's just some other crazy bullshit, and I am soooo sick of being crazy over him.

What I want in a man more than anything else is for him to "not just be like everyone else". And he is. He's just a blurred face in a crowd of followers. He's not a hero. He's not. There is nothing inside of him that makes him admirable. And I need someone admirable and strong hearted. He's a goddamn tragic dissapointment. And I know how important it is to not let people down. It's imperative, especially to the people you care about. And for him to let me down after how fucking close we were, how he knew me and what he had is a fucking crime. In a sense I was like family to him. That close. On his side. An intimate part of his world. And for some time it was like we were married. Anyone who could be as cruel and heartless and selfish as he was is not for me. I need someone who has the capacity for greatness. I need someone who holds himself by the highest standards he can and higher. I need someone who wants to be the best he can be. And Brian lacks that quality entirely. He's fucking attractive- attractive personality and looks, and good lord he's charming- but fuck that- Hugh Grant's charming as hell and he fucks hookers. And basically Brian is just like that. Great qualities like Hugh Grant. I'm sure Hugh Grant would be really hard to get over cause he has great qualities and doesn't suck. But the man fucks hookers! The man fucked a hooker while he had Liz Hurley- who is like totally awesome! And I suppose Mr. Grant is probably that same kind of man. Attractive, but not admirable. Not someone you see as strong hearted or an exemplary human being.

I'm sorry boys. I'm sorry for these past few months where I saw only the good parts in Brian and the bad parts in you. It's fucking stupid. But I am snapping the hell out of it. But I'm still very selective though, and I'm not sleeping with you unless you're really special (or Colin), no doubt. I know now that no matter what happened with me and Brian, he's not changing because of it. Perhaps he has some sense that what he did was wrong, but there's no reason for me to be so stupid as think he isn't capable of being a weak asshole once again. People simply don't change that quickly.

So. It's OVER! I am done with it. I am done with him. I am done with allowing myself to indulge in the misery of it all. Fuck that. That's just not the kind of person I really truly am. No man should destroy me or hold me back. He should only bring out the best in me.

And I had applied to this special comedy writing class that starts in January and performs in NYC in March at a great venue. I got accepted. Everything is falling into place. God had mercy on my ass and kicked me out of law school so that I could pursue a happier life. I would have never had the balls to really pursue comedy seriously if I hadn't tried with law school. But now I have the license to reinvent myself and follow my dreams because it's my only damn choice. Balls balls balls. It's all about balls and I've got em now. For the first time I can truly say, I don't love him. He doesn't love me. He's not worth it.

It's fucking over.
He's not my problem or my baggage anymore.
I am smiling. It wasn't easy, but now I am smiling inside and out!
(And a good link I can at least relate to)

And finally- the soundtrack for today:
My homegirl Kelly's Since U Been Goneand not as applicable, but still
Alicia Keys "Karma"

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