Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Basal Metabolism

That's me, and I have always sucked at sports.
I feel like I did when I was a kid and they made us do physical fitness tests in school and we had to run around a track and I was always last. I was a little runt. And I hated sports. And I hated when they made us do stuff. And I was always last pick. Even when I tried, I could never quite absorb all the rules. Why can't there be more pushing in basketball? And god almighty, I couldn't catch a ball. I hated when a ball was coming my way.
Here's what it was like for me:

La la la, standing around in the outfield, I like the grass, pretty birds are chirping, oh fuck, oh no, the ball is coming my way, why why why, I was having such a nice time, oh no, now the boy I like is going to start yelling at me and telling me that I suck cause I am going to do something I am not supposed to do with the ball, I wish I could just catch it and throw it where I am supposed to throw it, where do I throw it, that would be so great if I caught it and threw it where it was supposed to go, what if I fall down and hurt myself and what if the ball hits me in the face, leave me alone you stupid ball.

My only pride in gym class was this one time in sixth grade when we had to sit/lean against a wall and see how long we could hold it. I lasted the longest in the class. That was in fact the only time I did anything well in gym class.

And today I see all the kids around me running faster. I know a lot of successful comedy writers, artists, go getters, and just all around greatly talented individuals. Some of these individuals tell me that I am talented too. But I don't know how to purge and apply these talents, and once again I feel like the little runt I was, shortest kid in the class with my chubby little face.

I told myself that it's ok to take things easy. I don't have to vigorously pursue some grandiose ambitiousness. I can take my time and figure things out. But it makes me feel really uneasy to do so. I have to start being spectacular or marching down a definite road to spectacle, and I have to start now. My existence seems pointless. Can't I be more useful to the world? Somebody, something, please validate my life- please? Oh shutup self, you know you like your job. Just stick it out, build up the resume. Get a fancy job with a conference room where you have to have a little magnetic id card so you can swipe into the door.

I don't want to be a machine of consumption, I want to be a machine of production. I fear my stagnance. I am even more afraid of it cause it doesn't even sound like a word, but it is a word.

By the way, isn't it fascinating how all forms of life rely on consumption? What's up with that? Is the point to create some sort of dependency on others and other things? That we are by nature a part of something bigger and we cannot exist on our own, we cannot exist with out consuming other things? We must and we should depend on others and build from social capital? That desperation, starvation, ambition and desire are all tools of nature to make us need each other and other things? Does technology and innovation make us more or less independent when by nature technology is the product of dependence on past innovations? See that's the only reason I could think why.

The opera was a good time last night. It peaked my interest to see more, even though the music in this one was somewhat of a let down. Did you know that operas are 4 hours long? They are.

An official recommendation: Chocolate soy milk is, by nature, delicious and nutritious. I know what you're thinking. Chocolate soy milk? Heather's not the kind of person who drinks that. But I am. I SHOCK and I AWE!

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