Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Just another self-hating (half) Jew I guess . . .

absorb my damn hostility you gangsta ass dairy holder

It's fucking hard to be a person. I have been taking issue with personal flaws lately and it's been tearing me apart. Making life decisions is hard. Knowing how to be is hard. But I let someone who doesn't even put any thought into who he is rip me apart for my own flaws. I have a really hard time accepting them. And I can't let anyone crucify me for my own problems. Let he who is without sin cast the first fucking stone, ya know? But,

I am sorry, world, that I am loud and obnoxious sometimes.
I am sorry, world, for how fucking narcissistic this website is.
I am sorry everybody, for frequently being the center of attention,
for offending all the people I offend,
for not being more fucking appropriate,
for getting awfully wild when I am drunk,
and for all this damned intensity.

I am very sincerely sorry, world, if it's annoying you. This is not sarcasm. I really don't want to annoy you. I am sorry if it offends your values or turns you off. I am sorry if you get irritated with me.

But I have had this personality for a very very long time. And as much as maturity and critical self-evaluation has weeded out many of my own vices- I cannot drop these. I am loud, I can't avoid the narcissism because I want to succeed in entertainment and therefore have to market my own self as a product, and you just get a lot of attention when you are loud and weird.

But I am loud and weird, and believe me- I have tried to tame it. And of course I can in certain situations. I turn it off completely in office environments for example. But otherwise, the suppression makes me miserable. Because then I am not being myself. I am being other people. And that's a personal nightmare. I mean, there are so many souls in the world, who's gonna have this one? This one is mine- I gotta own it. I gotta take it on, right?

It's truly ok to be hated and rejected by some people. That's absolutely not the worst thing in the world. I mean, you've probably got a problem that needs to be dealt with if you are entirely friendless and hated. But I can deal with a handful of non-fans, and well, I have to. There's no choice. I'm just coming to accept that I can't be me and also change these things about me.

SO sorry world, and in the same breath- suck me world. Embrace me or eat me alive, but I refuse to eat myself alive.

I must just listen to that guy in my yearbook who said "Stay cool. Don't ever change! Have a great summer- Call me! xxx oooo" Fuckin right. I'm not changing.

Anyhow . . . on a more peaceful note, I'm quite happy. Had a lovely weekend and the whole nine yards. Here's a little story about a lowlight of the weekend.

It's also sometimes just so hard to get the fruit in the bottom of the yogurt cup to come up and I don't like when it stays at the bottom in the little creases of the cup cause the unmixed fruit flavors are way too intense. Fuck you yogurt cup. Sorry acidophilus.

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