Friday, April 29, 2005

File this under . . . images that give me a hard-on.

Goddamn it. In the past 24 hours I have come across FIVE people not doing fun stuff with me so that they can go to YANKEE games. Damn sports. They scare and confuse me why do people have to like them so much. They just remind me of how much I suck at them. I don't like to think about sucking. I like to think about Lisa Frank's amazing world of fantasy.

Ah. Goddamn that's so fucking soothing. Puppies and Dolphins in one multiverse. That's genius that goddamn Lisa Frank. Wait a sec- does that teddy bear have a TOP HAT on! Well well, I'll be darned.

In Honour (british spelling in honour of hitchhiker's guide) of Frowned Upon's show coming up this Saturday, I am posting an amazing movie script written by Mr. Devon T Coleman and his friend Jason who has such an awesome website that it gives me a hard-on on top of my Lisa Frank hard-on.
Here it is:
(email me for the story, it takes up a lot of room on the page, I assume interested readers read this treat over the weekend)

Thursday, April 28, 2005


This is from my 3rd favorite movie of all time, The Princess and The Warrior. It's hard to get, but right now Christina is borrowing my DVD. You should watch it. The soundtrack is cool too. I was just reminding myself how hot that guy in it is. He's hot.

I resurfaced my high school ring today. It's pretty cool but it's kind of big on me. My mom had me raised so that I always by things big "so that I can grow into them". But she always insisted on this, even when I was already 17. And the ring is kind of falling off my middle finger, but I'll wear it anyway. On one side I show the world, hey I'm artistic and creative, as there are theatre masks, music notes, and a paint brush. On the other side is my sign, gemini, cause my other favorite high school past time, jerking off lots of dudes on their parent's beds, wasn't available. But the gemini symbol is cool cause it's the twins, and it really looks like it's two chicks making out. That's right. Everyone loves it when chicks make out, and I've got it emblazoned in 14 carat gold.

I started writing this sketch and I decided it was better off not finishing. I'll put it here. Enjoy?
Lawyer: I object, this witness is clearly drunk!
Witness: I’m not drunk! I am a student of the bible!
Lawyer: What bible? The drunken loser bible?
Witness: No. The King James bible.
Lawyer: Your honor, this witness has dipped her fingers in urine and I object!
Witness: I didn’t dip my fingers in urine! I think urine is gross!
Lawyer: This witness is obviously drunk out of her mind. Must the court be subjected to this display of alcoholic debauchery?
Big Explosion. Everything is on fire.
The End.

Observation Deck:
1. Russel Crowe released a CD. Isn't that, um . . . Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are dating! Yeah. That's important for us to talk about. CNN this shit up now dude.
2. My boss keeps scratching his back up against the wall like a cat. For some reason I love it.
3. Stop Yelling at the iPod. You're making it sad. Don't fuck with your fucking iPod you don't know what it can do and you don't know what it will do.
4. More info on The Baxter. And a snippet.
5. The less I want a relationship, the more I care about looks. I love love love hot dudes. When I see a really hot one, I just want to pounce on him and take his underpants and pinch his nipples so hard he screams like he's dying. Well. No I really just want to make out with him. I'm not that into nipple.

Watch your nipples hot dude!
6. Tampons are so cool and aerodynamic. The word tampon is in my top five favorite words.
7. Cereal is really delicious. Cereal and milk is something that I look forward to.
8. Interesting.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Double Yum.

Preview the Entire "With Teeth"


401 k me baby.

But more importantly, what can you do for my lil giblet?

So I'm officially ready to move on to a bigger and better paycheck (more than just a lil raise). I readied myself and told the boss it was time. I feel bad cause I love it here. I just no longer make enough. I had a cushion of savings when I started out so I was ok, but I'm back to needing mom and pop to contribute. And that just ain't right. But also, with my experience here, I find myself eligible for some nicer positions. I've started interviewing with some places and a lot of them seem really cool. I turned down this one job this morning cause it didn't pay enough at this really really nice post-production company where they do editing, animation/CGI, voice over studios, and casting. BUT they said they have another position for me at a partner editing post-production boutique in SoHo that will pay what I desire. So I got my fingers crossed for that one. (I have to interview with the people over there too). And another interview today with a production company in tribecca/soho. I want me a big girl job with big girl benefits! Yum!

This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer. This is your beer.

This is currently what you see in the Hoboken PATH station. It's maddening. There's three different people in the ads. Apparently Michelob Ultra Light comes with steriods up in it cause there's all these mad toned stomached people up in them ads. Or so it seems to suggest. Goddamn it get out of my brain. Every single ad on the walls is this one. This is your beer this is your beer. Accompanied by all these stomachs! It's too much stomachs!


if I did want to be like those flat stomached people, apparently a solution is not far away. I got a wonderful offer today from a fine lady of the lovely name "Miranda Qrioy". She said "Feel yourself living in the clouds! New route of losing weight." Oh really Ms. Qrioy? Is that so.

Yum yum yum. GET YOUR DIRTY ON ME.

Something conceptually quite interesting.


Directing Frowned Upon has been really fun as they are so darn talented and funny. The show this Saturday should be spectacular, although I am worried since half of Frowned Upon has a cold- hopefully he'll be healed up good for Saturday so you can delight in them.

Monday, April 25, 2005

We didn't start the fire.

She would've been sweeter.

I met this woman from Hell on Saturday afternoon. She was giving out free granola bars along with advertisements for a church on Saturday. She gave me mine and I said thank you, and then noticed it was apple. I am not a fan of the apple flavor granola bar, and so I kindly asked,

"Oh, can I have the oatmeal kind instead."

She was tall and pretty- pretty in a southern, I shop at JC Penney's, go to church, and wear too much foundation kind of way, with big dark pupils. As she opened her mouth to speak her face was glossy like a tv screen, and I swear there was no soul in there.

With a big vapid grin she said, "No." She had a box full of bars and there weren't many people around.

"No?" I said in disbelief. "Well, um ok then, here's this bar back, I don't really like apple."

And I gave it back to her, as I could silently feel the cold winds of hell blow from her lips upon mine eyes, bellowing "Fuck off".

Alexis Bledel

Sin City
Heh, more like shit city dude! It was visually stunning, yes. And regardless of what others may say, I think Robert Rodriguez is amazing for what he can do. This man knows light and luster and the body in its most degraded and lucious form. And damn he can edit. His pacing and juxtapositioning of shots is always perfect. But the script. I mean damn, yeah I was entertained and it was interesting. But damn. The characters were all such tired overplayed archetypes. There was nothing original or new or interesting about it- plotwise as well. Every woman was a hooker in this movie. I mean it was definately one of the most degrading- woman as peice of meat movie in a long time- literally woman as meat. They get hot and naked and eaten at one point. But still. Rodriguez made it look great while they were doing it. It's really a shame though to have used this style on such a weak-ass script. God Josh Harnett is hot. He's not in it much, but enough to remind me how hot he is. I think he's a good actor too. I call him the next Johnny Depp/Brad Pitt (hot guy who earns street cred and gets real roles). I also thought Alexis Bledel had great screen presence. Jamie King too. I like her. And oh yeah, there was a whole lot of injuring people in the genitals in this movie.

From a recent article about Murakami:
(In Japan) Fashion and shopping provide bits of distracting and addictive glitter. Murakami calls this culture “superflat,” by which he means, in part, that the interior life of the nation has been ironed into an ahistorical and decorative field of games, melodrama, apocalypse, shopping, and cuteness. Everywhere in Japan, for example, you come upon that appallingly cute little figure called Hello Kitty. It has no mouth and no developed limbs—an image of powerlessness and, Murakami suggests, sublimated hysteria.

Neat. Free drinks for your name!

Apparantly there exists a website for assholes.

We sorry. Sunday, no beers.

Friday, April 22, 2005

I am really pissed off at you

I have had a link to this website on my website for a long while now and I am almost positive you haven't clicked on it.

Can't read it cause it's too small? click here moron.

Also, this Bikini collection is only cool cause of its name: Bikini Girls in Super Heaven. Ooh that sounds great.

I am just too pissed off at you right now. This post is so over.
No wait. I am sorry. I realize how stupid all of this anger is. It's bad, like that 1800 Dentist commercial. That lady is so creepy and threatening. "I told you to call, but you didn't listen, so now I am going to burn patches of hair on your arm." Yikes (stripes fruit stripe gum). Oh dear, must focus, get back to matter at hand.

Oh yeah. I forgive you. Here's something cool called BSTV The Best Shows on TV. But I don't forgive the OC for shortening the band name Death Cab for Cutie to "Death Cab" and having us assume that the lamo jocks at school would listen to them. Cause they wouldn't. Their brains still can't get past the whole DMB phenomenon.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

L'herbe est plus verte . . .

People have often accused me of having penis envy. And I'll deny it. I mean I honestly do love my lipgloss and cute shoes and crying. But sometimes I just wish so bad I could be one of the guys- not a girl amongst the guys, but one of them. They have so much fun together. And they don't let us in their club 100%, if ever it's just kind of. And peeing standing up? That's so cool. Not to mention that they can aim it and write in the snow with it, and they do it quickly too so their lines are shorter. Plus sex seems fun from the other side. And I'd love to get a blow job, why I've never seen a happier expression on a person than on the face of a bj receiver.

Anyhow, I can get bitter cause I am not a guy at times, and I deny that I have said envy and remind myself of the cool things about being a girl. But last night I dreamt that I had a penis. If this aint a sign of penis envy, well, call me Melissa and tell me to eat mayonnaise! But rather than being cool, it was really quite embarrassing. See in the dream I was hooking up with this dude and he discovered it and totally didn't like it. Boy was I mortified! Contrary to popular belief, if I had a penis, I now realize that it would be pretty un-cool and probably cause me some personal problems later on in life. Wake up and smell the lady parts- cause I'm happy I've got mine! Which I do.

Back to being full of lady juice:

Goddamn you hot son of a bitch.

Please go see "A Lot Like Love". It looks cute anyway. Amanda Peet is always delightful, and I know the masses are split on Kutcher, but I like him. Anyhow, see this link here. God gave us all this wonderful body, and it's our duty, out of respect for god's divine work, to ensure that it dawns massive billboards across the country, and magazines and other such mediums. It would be so awesome to see him in a Marky-Markesque way.

"Grrr. I'm a grizzly!"- Mark "math is for pussies" Wahlberg.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Happy 4/20

The famous day when the American Rhinocerous was incarnated into the Southwest Indiana Library hall of fame.
No no no you stupid hippies. Now don't forget to smoke your blasted herb!

It's so nice outside I am gonna sit in the sun. It's so nice outside I am gonna take a walk. It's so nice outside I am going to sing me a song. It's so nice outside I am going to molest me a rabbit. Summer is on its way!

Moving on:
I just made sandwiches
and I am going to blog about it.

Everything but the tuna.
"I think I am going to make tuna sandwiches today"- Me

"Here's my credit card." - Boss

So the situation turned into me picking up ingredients and other stuff for the office kitchen. And I didn't make just any tuna sandwich. Oh no, not me. For sandwiches are in the same simple pleasure catagory as the cupcake, and they need to be done right.

I made Italian style tuna with baby spinich and vine ripe tomatoes in a tomato basil wrap. I made the tuna part with tuna, EV Olive Oil, Red Wine Vinegar, lemon juice, and olive tapanade (which had some roasted peppers and garlic in it). And we had ourselves a yumfest!

However this yumfest did not happen without a few scuffles along the way. See, I got some other stuff at the store, as I intend to make guacamole and stuff for tomorrow. But- Aye Dios Mio! I forgot the tuna! I sure am a character.

Got the tuna.

But Aye Dios Mio!

No can opener.

Got the can opener and also decided we needed watermelon.

Yumfest occurred.

This surely was a 4/20 to remember.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Hi Fish Lady! You rock on with your bad self.

Hey, if you've got it- flaunt it.

For the second year in a row, the Empire State Building's lighting scheme will be orange from April 29 - May 1, to celebrate Dutch Queen's Day (April 30). HUP HOLLAND!

I haven't done a weekend recap in a lil while. But I had a lovely weekend. So I think it would be in good form for me to deliver now. But not with out a flashy intro.


Damn I love it when NYC gets all summery up in it. Abe Lincoln used to say, "Heather, there's really only two kinds of weekend nights- nights that are kinda crappy and you're just not feelin it, and super-fun nights where you have a great time."

So Friday was kind of lame. We went to a bunch of fun places but none of them really did it for us. I think that East Village bars in general should be avoided. So many of them are the kinds of places we Jersey high school kids would get our fake ids out for. And I am pretty sure that's what we had attended (one spot- Second Nature- sheesh). A convention of users of successful fake ids and the gelled hair, booby shirts, and all the drakkar noir that follows. We even tried a polar opposite- The Spotted Pig on Greenwich St- but alas it was filled with boring older people. But I did manage to get Cheech and Chonged up by the end of the night, so fun was not a total loss. To answer my Friday night munchies I indulged in the few residents my sparsely populated fridge by chowing down on countless bowls of total and soymilk. To which my friend Christopher exclaimed "There is no way that can be good. Gimmie that." And he too was drawn into total and soymilks' seductive trance. We ate like 5 bowls! We are wild and crazy!

Saturday Shug Mc Shuggington visited. He is an old GW chum who I hadn't seen since DC. He joined Kaya and I for an evening of laziness in Boken. One really great relaxing spot is Quays on the waterfront. They have really cozy lounge chairs and yummy cocktails and tasty espresso. Also notable is their weekday Prix Fixe menu. I recommend it. And come night time we went with a moderately sized Hoboken crew to the Meatpacking. The night air was soft and warm like a small child. We checked out the Gainsevoort Hotel- which has a lovely roof bar. BUT it's way too packed and drinks are way too expensive. I think it could be fun- but it's kind of overpopulated by Hamptons assholes. We tried to go to this other place but it was too full so we randomly tried this really little place "Asa" a wine bar. 5 dollar upscale beers in the meatpacking- not bad. It had a good vibe and it lent to a lovely last spot for the night. Even though I somehow had a stomach cramp that debilitated me and rendered me unable to walk at the end of the night- I had a nice time. Kaya's pics were better and more plentiful than mine.

Sunday was just FUCKING GOREGOOUS. I woke up and strolled past some places I hadn't checked out before thanks to recommendations of Mr. Steven K. Chelsea Market is this place on 15th and 9th Ave and it's like a weird indoor shopping mall with cool architecture and it's open all the time, and it's a lot like Boston's Haymarket square. And then strolled about a daytime meatpacking which is really worth checking out, and the waterfront. AND then went to this chocolate place on Broome btwn West Broadway and Wooster which is a chocolate store with a cafe in back, and ate CHOCOLATE DIPPED IN CHOCOLATE. Yep. You take a piece of this soft chocolate, and dip it in a different flavored chocolate sauce.

And then I rehearsed with Frowned upon. They are so super duper. I really enjoy directing these crabcakes.

Frowned Upon's D'arcy and Devon.

Watch the video clip of Tyra. (scroll down to the last picture on the linked-page) It's full of awesome juice.

Friday, April 15, 2005

Medical warning: babies. Please consult physician before administering to eyes. Cause they make my one friend puke on demand.

Hey guys, can I come join you?

When I want to feel sorry for myself, I play the following Beach Boys songs:
God Only Knows
Wouldn't It Be Nice

In my estimation, those are the saddest songs ever made. I think they are all happy and innocent on the outside, but filled with pain and desperation on the inside. And sometimes that's exactly what I am salatiously hungry for.

Salatious isn't a word. But here I needed to use it with you to communicate a certain feeling. Here's my definition: a kind of mouth-watering salvatory desire. Similar to salacious, but modified for my current usage. Accept it as truth and fucking move on so I can make my point ok?

It's nice feeling sorry for yourself sometimes. I mean I am pretty happy lately. I enjoy life these days and have little to worry about- no major issues, no major battles to fight. I don't enjoy negative energy or bitching or complaining, but there is one major plus to sadness that I don't want to miss out on simply because I am happy.

Just cause I am happy doesn't mean I can't have some self-indulgence and self-babying sessions. As a kid I admit I would pretend that something was wrong simply so I could indulge in my mother's babying.

So I guess this is a reflection of being one who loves attention. But don't knock that. Attention is the opposite of a tree falling in the forest. Attention is great. It can make you feel alive. It's acknowledgement by others and encouragement to be free and encouragement to further engage in whatever you're engaging in. And in the realm of feeling sorry for yourself, it invites coddling and babying and snuggling. Very different than pity. Pity sucks- more nurturing. More like laying down all of the ego's desires and going on a pathetic-vacation. But of course I don't want that kind of attention from just anybody. I used to like it from the parents. Now I only want that from my 'rents when I am really sick. And I have been known to like that kind of attention from a boyfriend. Not from a dater. I don't even like those mofos to touch my stuff. But I trust it from myself.

Self- go coddle self!

Everybody hurts. Sometimes.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Watch Out

Jon Corzine is running for New Jersey Governor! I actually haven't been following politics too much lately and didn't realize it until today. Corzine rules. I campaigned for his senate bid back in 2000 and got to meet some of his family too, and he's great. He's a really sincere and intelligent guy who actually has a lot to say. Well, he's about as sincere as a Senator can be. He's done more as a Freshman Senator than almost anyone else (besides Hillary) in this session has. Always outspoken and eloquent, he's also pretty fiscally moderate/conservative. Prior to his Senate bid, he was head dude at Goldman-Sachs and he's rather business minded. Plus he's nice.

Anyhow, Vote for Corzine! Forrester is a douchebag!

Meanwhile, Paul Weitz has a new play out with 20 dollar student tickets: Privilege

Orlando: The Happiest Place on Earth?

Are You Ready to Get Pumped? (thank Devon for this)

Design your own T-Shirt and drink espresso for free at Filativa. Opening this Friday.

I just want to say,

P.S. web people and multimedia afficionados:
Holy Shit. (thanks Justin) (this site is about to get much better)

google truly is the best company ever

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

I Disturb Me

It's about time, right?

And it's not because I eat prunes all day. And I do. They are techincally dried plums. If you love dates or dried apricots, or even if you are an "eater of the raisins", you'll probably like them too. They are sweet and tasty and a good snack. And I am pretty sick of their bad rep for being old people poop food. And that's just bullshit too cause it reflects our society's anti-old people disrespect. Phew. Enough of that tirade. But yeah I am a jerk to myself cause prunes make you gassy, and like the United Nations used to say, "When you fart, it sucks for you because you are the one in the most immediate proximity of the stink, and then you are always smelling stinky smells, which is unpleasant." I should've named this post Stinky Finky, but then that opens way too many childhood wounds.

No no no, let's get back to the heart of the matter.

I disturb me because I read this old letter I was going to send my ex that I never sent. Goddamn. I can be dramatic (exhibit B, please see blogging from July-November?). What the fuck was I talkin about? It's just amazing. I feel like I should title that segment of my life "How to be weak." by Clarissa Darling. No wait, by Heather Fink. Yeah. And maybe a little "Ever Been a Psycho Bitch? Why Not Try It Out For A Bit." But to be honest I wasn't bitchy as much as I was in a place of barren pain and desperation. It's just amazing how your entire belief system and better judgment deteriorates when you're traumatized by something. It's instant, fast and hard depression, and it knocks your worth away- self worth and who you are to other people. So I am patient with assholes and jerkoffs cause I pitty them. Maybe it's their weak spot leaving them open like a scar bleeding all over the wrong places. I would like to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope to myself that they'll grow out of it. But who knows how long I'll be waiting. Maybe forever. Well whatever, I haven't tapped my well of hope in the human race. Yet.

We're casting for a mobster type thing in here today. It's very funny to see older men swear and act like goombas. It's a welcome source of office entertainment.

I got this thing I am just aching to bitch about here. I am gonna write it and put it up later. In the meantime, I may note that my appearance on "the Party Planner" was nothing more than as a background person. My friend Helene however, proved to be more entertaining than the host of the show. I need a goshdarn VCR though. Can't live off my friends' tivo forever. As my friend Dave L says about fuckin VCRs, you can just walk right in one of the nearby SoHo apartments here and say "I am taking your vcr cause you don’t use it. Fuck it." I must say I think Mr. L es correcto.

Rawr. It's mine.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Information about the arrest of Scott Winfield's murderer. Article number 2 (there's a picture of the bastard).

All I can think over and over is stop the fucking violence people. It really pisses me off to see bar fights or the beginning of bar fights these days. That's what really makes me hate boys. Newsflash- only nasty skanks are attracted to men if they show they are tough and go around kicking people's asses. We ladies really don't care and aren't into it when you guys start acting tough. We're usually embarrased of you when that happens. So whatever your reasons, cool off and WALK AWAY!

Monday, April 11, 2005

Sometimes the best method is the most rythmical one.

Check out "The Party Planner" on the Discovery Channel tomorrow, April 12th, 2005 (Tuesday) at 11:00 a.m. I was drunk while a camera was rolling, so, you know, there might be some delightful surprises a la elimidate. And nope, I haven't seen it myself yet. I may humiliate myself even more, or not even be in the final cut. We'll see.

Trent Reznor is so hot. And I do like the new single- I am just not blown away . . . yet. Gosh darn it I want that CD. Trent Reznor is in my top 3 people I would sleep with no questions asked and no relationship necessary. Hmm- it smells like list time! Let's make a list!
1. Johnny Depp
2. Trent Reznor
3. It's a Secret.

Come on now people, this is both good and cool.

Did I ever tell you that I like Pamela Anderson? I think she's totally underrated- let's just say in the busty babe is also funny and charming vain of Susanne Summers and the potential Jenny McCarthy had if she was a tad subdued, I think she's delightful. Just like the O.C. is quality tv that needs to be watched by the nutscuffs that mock it without actually watching it- that show V.I.P. was totally awesome. The show was a joke. It wasn't trying to be serious. And if you give it a closer look, it's hilarious. Trust me, I have sat people down to this show before to prove my point and they all agree, yes, it's funny. Pam also writes a column for JANE magazine, and it's always insightful and entertaining. I look forward to Stacked.

John Cassavetes.
Finally, the history of kike.

"The toy division has come up with a new doll idea to go along with our children's clothing line. We call them Melon Patch Kids. Now, the competition exploits the notion that their dolls are orphans. The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans... they're abandoned! We think it's a winner." - Back to School

This is my friend Scott.

And we'll never forget him. He was one of the nicest, sweetest people I have ever met, and everyone truly loved him.

I would like for all of my friends touched by what happened to realize that he left us all with a realization of how good and selfless he was. He saved many lives as an organ donor, he was kind to everyone, worked for habit for humanity, rarely complained, was calm, patient, and caring. He was never rude or selfish, never held grudges, and treated people with respect. So the next time you find you're being a jerk, or selfish, or getting all pissed off about some stupid little thing, or have an ounce of meanness in you, remember that Scott wasn't like that, and for that he is remembered with endless love by everyone who knew him. Because human beings should be humbled by their bodies, vessels for life, which have an expiration date. Stop taking your mortal life for granted. Be like Scott in the sense that, just like him, you know you've made people smile while you were here.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Poltergeist is a really scary movie.


So yesterday's fashion show was hilariously bad. The clothes catered to upper east side old ladies and there were plenty of them there actually buying the awfullness displayed before us.

One of the old ladies there was the awesomest ever. Her skin was so worn by sun and age that it sort of hung off her bones, she had a bright blue crepe jacket on and a little green hat. Her face was covered in some overpriced make-up and she just stood there in some sort of vicodin induced state of confusion and frustration. There was free wine and hores dervees and she wanted them so badly but she couldn't make due in a world of waiting your turn rather than being waited on. There was a table with a man who was pouring glasses of wine. Rather than stand in front of the table like everyone else and get her glass as it freely flowed, she stood off to the side, behind the man pouring the wine, with her hands out and open at her sides moaning in her barely audible voice which was probably happy to exit the stale caverns of her body, "Where's my wine. What does a woman have to do . . . What does a woman have to do to get some wine. I want my wine." As the man pouring the wine kindly suggested she take a glass from the table. Next, as trays of snacks were brought out and quickly crowded by everyone around, rather than simply taking a snack from the tray, every time the snacks came out, she would stand behind the girl with the tray going "What do I have to do to get food around here? Where's mine? Give me some food." People would move past her and onto other conversations and other treats, and she would just stand there in pissed off oblivion- her mind processing the world around her slower than Anna Nicole Smith. Needless to say, this lady was awesome.

And the show was done by Vanity Fair, and they gave free copies of the new Vanity Fair with the controversial Desperate Housewives cover. Have you seen it? The one with the airbrushed leg of Teri Hatcher and a pissed off (still awesome) Marica Cross on it? The one where they make the talented Felicity Huffman look like a cheap prostitute- a move which makes me question the santity of the art director on this shoot. And I might be in the next issue of Vanity Fair, which is probably the funnest side note to yesterday. The photographer seemed to like me and Shayna. He took like litterally 20 pictures of us. We asked him what his deal was and he said that they would use one of the pictures from the event on their "intelligencer" page next month. And he said he indeed did like us. So maybe we'll be there. That would be neat.

Ended up at Tortilla Flats last night too. I recommend it for the warm weather ambiance. That place is cute and has an amazing Strawberry Margarita- So it's my recommendation for the moment when you say "Damn it's nice out, I'm in the food for a margarita, in NYC, at a cute place, in a great neighborhood."

PS- I am getting desperate here and I am going to say someone's name. To all Roxbury people, for the love of all that is good and holy, if you know Tiffany- yeah the only Tiffany that went to school with us, and you hang out with her, get my f'ing rain jacket back from her. It's been sitting in her apartment for like a year now and I can't seem to get the damn thing back. It's my go-to just-in-case-it-rains/durable-enough-to-end-up-on-a-bar-floor-so-if-it's-cold-and-I'm-going-out-at-night-I-will-wear-this-jacket jacket. I WANT IT!
From IMDB-
"Author Hunter S. Thompson's ashes will be fired by cannon across his American estate, as requested in his will. The bizarre ceremony will take place in August, after a giant cannon has been built and mounted inside a 54-feet tall sculpture of a 'Gonzo fist' - Thompson's trademark and a nod to the 'gonzo' style of journalism he invented - which itself will stand on a 100-feet high pillar. The event will be part of a ceremony to celebrate the life of the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas writer, who committed suicide at his secure compound near Aspen, Colorado, in February at the age of 67. His wife Anita says, "It's expensive, but worth every penny. I'd like to have several explosions. He loved explosions."
Dude- Hunter Thompson and I are kindred spirits. When I die, I want explosions too. Please, have an outdoor ceremony, and blow something up. Better yet, melt something cool. Like dolls. Those look so crazy when you melt them. Seriously.

And finally- when did Rob Thomas from Matchbox 20 decide to become Justin Timberlake? I don't care if he "don't want to be lonely no more." That's one whack doubebag-a-morphosis.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

In case of vulnerability, show a chart.

I thought maybe this would help.

Change is good.
Ok- so maybe not for you, but for me, this past year has gone by so fast (instead of slowly and painfully like last year), and I feel like I am standing in some kind of time warpy wind tunnel. It's going to be summer very shortly and everything is in flux!

People are breaking up, lives are different, and my favorite office perk is leaving me and I'm not sure what to do. We got word yesterday that the landlord is selling the building my office is in. Amazing SoHo office, goodbye- at least in July. I am not sure what to do with this. I mean, we are going to find another space, maybe another great SoHo space, but right now we have no idea what we are going to do. I mean, perhaps this is a sign that it's time to move to job number 2? But I have been enjoying the laidbackness of this place and the various perks. And still I could use a bigger more voluptuous paycheck. And I have contacts so I could start being a PA, and I probably should- but then I abandon my health insurance and pick up late hours- which I don't think works with my lifestyle right now.

And the warm weather is making people act awry, or at least I'd like to think is happening. Had some drinks after rehearsing with Frowned Upon last night. And I must say, I am a chick magnet. These cute drunk girls came up to me and my friend at a Hoboken bar last night pretty much all over us and talking loud and drunkily, and using us to hold themselves up. We, um, had to leave to go do something important. Or so we told them. Bicurious or straight as a pole, drunk sloppy chicks have a 10 minute expiration date. Cause after 10 minutes they cease to amuse. Anyhow. Everyone was kind of out and about and being rowdy and silly. Some young men decided they should follow my friend and I making ape noises, and quickly moved ahead to interact with a homeless man who was pointing to a bicycle on the sidewalk shouting "It's out of gas, my bike is out of gas! Help me get home!", and then some kid was pushed out of Panera by his co-workers while wrapped from neck to ankles in saran wrap. Who knows, maybe something's in the water. But I think the temperature excites us all. It's like mating season or something.

Oh and here's Heather's lil opinion corner- I don't care about the Pope. I recognize the moment's historical significance. But I don't think he was any kind of awesome. I think the Catholic church is corrupt, and it wastes money on papal jewels and it's wealth is sucked from impoverished worshippers, at least it was in the past. And he didn't do any more than any other pope would have done. It's his damn job to be holy and do-good. Honestly I am sure he could've done more. Like Mother Teresa. She kicked some ass. And he didn't speak out enough against the Holocaust and he was all anti-condoms and anti-women and anti-choice. Someone please tell me why a woman can't be a minister? Why is that even important. Whatever, I don't even care anyway cause I think the whole church is a money making scam and that some religions seperate people more than brings them together and I think it's the most hypocrytical and corrupt organization in existance . . . blah blah blah. The only thing that makes me smile about the pope, besides the beauty of the Vatican, is that State sketch "The Popes-A Visit", you know, where the Popa- he's a comin. Classic.

Ok, got me a lil project to work on here. Goin to a fashion show tonight- never been to one before, should be cool.

Finally, something in the media has been frightening the shit out of me every time it comes on tv. I don't know what it is or what it wants to do to my boobies but I am standing firm, I'm not going to let it anywhere near my dirty pillows. It's the Ipex. And god help me (not that god would being as how I am a pope-hater) if that thing comes near me I am screaming bloody murder. I'll have no evil technology or bra from the future on my soft parts.

(I got tix for the Ars-Nova one)
Show: Flight of the Conchords (with special guest Eugene Mirman – this
date only)
Date: Monday, April 18
Time: 9:30PM
Place: Ars Nova, 511 W. 54th St
Price: $5
More info:
For more information on Flight of the Conchords, check their fan site:

Other New York dates:

Date: Sunday, April 17
Time: 8PM
Price: $5
Place: Living Room, 154 Ludlow between Stanton and Rivington.
More info:

Date: Monday, April 18 (same night as above, but earlier)
Time: 7PM
Price: $5
Place: UCB Theater, 307 W. 26th Street
More info:

Date: Wednesday, April 20
Time: 8PM
Price: $5
Place: CBGB Gallery 313 Bowery at Bleecker
More info:

Date: Thursday, April 21
Time: 8PM
Price: $6
Place: The Knitting Factory –- old office. 74 Leonard between Broadway
and Church.
More info:

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

They caught the guy who hit Scott! It's really great because it seemed like no one would figure out who did it, but they did. So at least there can be a little bit of justice, at least this violent bastard won't get away with it. And that helps a little.

Can you feel it?

Feel the goddamn love up in here. Let me explain:

Life is Precious

I was standing in the ocean, warm water brushing slowly past my feet, soft sand below, and sunshine above, tropical paradise in eye view and all I could think to myself was- What have I done to deserve this! I felt so fortunate. I looked back at the previous months. Times when I hated life and I didn't even want to live anymore. When I was so disenfranchised with what the world had to offer that I just didn't think it was worth bothering with all of the bullshit that composes a day's effort. But those feelings had become a memory by this point, and no part of me embraced my former mental state.

I truly feel that I have everything to be grateful for right now. It's this sense of having all that I need right now. I don't make much money, but I make enough. I have not achieved my dreams yet, but I see them at arm's length. I'm the youngest I've ever been because I am free. I am more independent than I have ever been. It's silly the way that independence manifests itself. I am consolidating some loans and part of me was like- oh I better get my dad's permission before I do this. But then I just realized, well, these are my burden, I can make this decision for myself. I mean, it's the combination of independence from parents, not being in college anymore, and independence from a boyfriend that is combining to create this great stage in my life.

That and being in NYC. NYC loves single girls.

ANYHOW. I just feel damned privileged to live this way, to be able to see the world, to be able to have such leisure. And if you're feeling bummed and pissy- I encourage a reality check for you too! Chances are you are better off than you are giving your life credit for! Appreciate it!

Um, ok, so sometimes the world is not all smiles.

I am having a great time being home now too. It's very nice to be missed. Having a life built up and established here in NYC after years of being away and after last year's law school/boyfriend hibernation is satisfying because this place is somewhere that I can call home. I'm not new here anymore.

Had a nice time chillin outdoors having drinks with some friends last night. Springtime I want you inside me! And then we went to the "Romantic Boutique" (it's very romantic in there) in Hoboken cause a friend of mine needed a battery operated personal assistant. And then the guy offered us 50 percent off anything in the store. So we bought pornos. One of my friends preferred the one with the story time. I tell you there is nothing that pisses me off more in a porno than when they start talking. I made sure to get one with minimal plot. So I bought my first porno yesterday. I can't believe I own this thing. I realized I had left it out this morning. The cover of that box is not something I want to wake up to.

Other new thing I'm doing- a friend asked me to be in his short film. I really like his ideas so I am excited for this project.

I have been keeping my eye on Improv Everywhere. They are pretty cool. Check out their last mission.

Kashmir is a band that's really hot in Denmark, as I was informed by some nice young Danes in Thailand.

David LaChappelle's current NYC exhibit.

Nine Inch Nails released a new single on iTunes. It's nothing special. I am disappointed. All previous albums were masterpieces. The Fragile was most impressive- their last work- a 2 disk piece of awesomeness. I really hope With Teeth is all that I've been hoping for, and not like Tori Amos' recent stuff. See I think she's genius- but her latest stuff is a sign of her "maturing" and kind of safe and soft and not as jagged and raw as her previous stuff. It's losing it's edge basically- and less capable of ripping into my soul.

Clark 2004!!!!

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Goddamn Burning Eyeball.

Arg! I am feeling so irritable this morning. When I got out of the shower this morning my eyeball was randomly burning. Blasted burning eyeball WTF! I don't know why but it was just burning and burning for like 15 minutes. I flushed it with water but it was one of those hurts where you feel all helpless and desperate and wish someone to help you help it stop. I was all "Roommate, my eye is burning help me help me!". But other than flushing it with water we were at a loss as to what to do. But it did go away. But that's not the half of it.

My f'ing ankle is hurting. I got these awesome new fink shoes. Customizable nike ID sneakers where you pick out the color and they will embrioder something on it. They are so cool they don't even make my model anymore, but they do make a cool men's basketball model. I got "Fink" on the shoes and they look so super fly. But the socks I wore on one of my feet this morning was thicker than the other and the thick sock was too thick and it started to hurt but I couldn't do anything about it cause I was already running late to work because of my burning eyeball and so by the time I got in the office I was all limping and bloody in the ankle. Goddamn it. And then I ate this yogurt with honey thing and I got the honey all on my fingers and they are sticky now. WTF. Arg Arg. I throw my fist in the air to physical discomfort but alas it doesn't do me any good.

But I am listening to "Drop it Like it's Hot" and it has an oddly soothing comforting quality to it. Calm the fuck down Heather! Drop it like it's hot, click click click click . . . ah . . .

So I'm back. Dealing with Scott passing has been weird. It really bothered me not to be with my friends at the funeral. It just broke my heart to picture some people that I care about getting dressed in black, ready to say goodbye. I know how much he meant to so many. It hurt me but what was worse to me was to think of how hurtful and hard this is for certain people. I mean of course his fiance. They were apparantly ring shopping the week before. And I'd also like to say that I had mentioned earlier that me and Scott had a little something at one point in time. I'd like to clarify that that was years ago and he was not with Lisa at the time. And after he was with Lisa he was never inappropriate towards me or anything. Ok- so back to business. My friends that were hurt the worst, like Dave and Chris- they are just so sweet- such good people. I wanted so badly to reach across the Pacific Ocean and hug em good and hard. And I got to see one of them last night and it made me feel so much better to see a smile on his face. And I talked to the other one and they are really grounded and they are doing really well considering everything. It felt good to share some memories but I kind of realized that everyone has been bombarding them with talking about Scott so I told them we don't have to talk about it anymore. The summer is going to be weird but a bunch of us are going to be at a new Shore spot instead of LBI. I know my boys will be at Manasquan too, so it's going to be a really fun summer. The only thing is I think that summer will be the hardest cause that's when we were all home from college together. Anyhow.
Time for the soothing sounds of Thailand, a large town off the New Jersey coast. Yes yes Thailand, like many other great things, is also in New Jersey.

That's us on our last day. There we are on the pier waiting to go to the sky train.

Khoa Sahn road is a busy road in Bangkok which is kind of like a crazy European/Asian spring break. All of the bars were hot and open air with lots of people singing and drinking and hooking up. The streets were littered with vendors and stuff to buy. And these old Thai men kept asking us to see Ping Pong and we weren't sure what the hell that really meant. They would get all weird in your face "See Ping Pong show See Ping Pong show." I was suspicious that it was some kind of scary sex show with ping pong balls coming out of lady's happy places. But Maria thought it was probably some other kind of money making scam.

The full moon party was madness. Tons of people on a soft sandy beach. All kinds of fire shows and lots of American music. I must say it's weird to rock out to Nirvana on a remote Southeast Asian beach surrounded by people from Sweden. One fun thing about going to big parties is meeting hot people from the opposite sex. But a lot of the hot dudes were all over the Thai women and not interested in us white chicks. Oh well. It was still a big spectacle. One of the finest personal moments was on the boat back at 6am. I had a lot to think about and I got to sail past the island looking at the beautiful coast and bright blue water as the sun came up and in the company of silly drunk people. Getting in and out of a "taxi" via the ocean is pretty cool.

We road on an elephant. Isn't that cool? She hardly noticed us on top of her and just kind of went about eating shrubs and stuff.

Thong Nai Pan was so beautiful. We randomly came across this beach because of the hotel/bungalows we stayed at. Because of the full moon party, most places were fully booked. This place had one opening. Apparantly it's the nicest beach on the island and few people know about it. We met these guys from San Fransisco who gave up their lives in the US and now live on this beach and sell and buy property there. There are actually many people on these beaches who came for vacation initially, but fell in love with the place and stay there. Most people who go go for months at a time.

This is at Chaweng beach. What was really cool is you sit on these wooden platforms on the beach, and these cool Thai cushions are on the platforms and they put little tables on the platform where they serve you stuff like these fresh fruit drinks. I had a banana colada with Bailey's in it. That's my fave combo.

I really loved the Wat Pho and Wat Arun. Wats are temples. It's amazing to see that kind of Asian architecture because it's so different than any European or Western architecture I have ever seen.

Anyhow, here's a taste of my pics. I have tons of them all on my flickr page. There's a lot of exciting things going on in NYC these days. I love being single. One new fun thing is dating guys who don't know about my site. I don't tell some guys about it because I find it fun when they don't already know these things about me and this little world here. And I can quickly tell when they have googled me and discovered me by their responses to things I say. If I mention something that was discussed in here, they get a little glimmer in their eyes and then I just call them out on it- like- hmm, you googled me, didn't you? And then there's an embarrassed yes. Which is totally fine. But it is becoming a small luxury when I spend time with someone who doesn't read all this stuff here. Not that I don't love the people who do. I love you guys. You're nice people. Being an open book is ok because it has a lot of perks- for example discovering that you have various obscure things in common with people. But still, it can be a bit much at times.

Ugh I feel like I am all backed up with non-blogging blue balls. I just have all this stuff in my head I want to burst out of there. I get so used to having this outlet for all the crap in there. It's such a pleasure to write in this thing here. So many words in the brain! So so many words up there!!!

PS- Watch this Bewitched trailer if you want to laugh out loud. Man that Will Ferrell is talented.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Hello from Soho, again.

Back in my normal blogging seat again. Damn it's cold here.

I am slowly slowly working on saving my photos as smaller photos and uploading them all.

(flickr isn't working, picture coming soon)
Here's us on our last day at the Marriott Bangkok- our one night where we decided to stay somewhere luxurious- and it was kinda awesome.

I'm feelin sleepy, but nonetheless I have a lot to tackle! Phone calls, emails, comedy stuff. I am really excited to direct and also I have been writing a lot of stand up- so I want to do a stand up show asap cause I just think that's an arena I need to tackle as far as trying to be a comedy writer. I think people expect you to do stand up. So here's to hoping that's a good idea.

Yawn, I am sleepy. I think I have some mild jetlag. Damn dawg, I have so much to tell you all, so much reflection, I think I will wait to upload the pictures and tell stories one by one. Should I tell some things in general? Yeah ok- the flight was tolerable, although United Air's stewards are more like diner waiters than stewards. The Thai people are so friendly and they like visitors. Although there is a poorer standard of living there, the people seem somewhat unfazed and are very happy and content with the world they live in- in general. I love Thai people and Thai children. The kids are so cute and sweet and not spoiled or complainy. They love american culture and american music and movies. Many of the beaches are unspoiled and remote/rustic. It's hot as hell there too, most days were 100 degrees. The bugs were not a problem either and the air always felt so perfect. Bangkok is a really cool city with a lot of partying and some great old temples. Stunning temples and pagodas were sprinkled across the countryside, from poor towns to big cities.

This was what we did day by day:
Day 1- Bangkok, Outside of the Royal Palace, Wat Pho, Khao Sarn Road, dinner in China Town; Night train to Surat Thani (Night trains are lots of fun)
Day 2- Koh Samui's Chaweng Beach, very touristy, lots of Germans and British people, kinda Cancun-like, we prefer something more remote
Day 3- Koh Phagnan, Thong Nai Pan- rumored to be one of the very best beaches in Thailand, very remote, very few people, the most beautiful place we visited
Day 4- Koh Phagnan, Haad Rin for the Full Moon Party
Day 5- Recovery from party still at Thong Nai Pan
Day 6- travel back to Bangkok
Day 7- travel to Koh Chang
Day 8- Koh Chang's Lonely Beach
Day 9- Koh Chang and Elephant ride through the jungle
Day 10- Koh Chang and travel
Day 11- Bangkok
Day 12- Ayuttaya, the ancient capitol of the Siamese empire
Day 13- Bangkok, we stay for a night of luxury at the Marriott Bankok Resort and Spa, I splurge on Spa services and we go on a night cruise down the Chao Pharaya river on an ancient rice barge with a pagoda style roof.
Day 14- ride the sky train to the big market and finish up some shopping, last night we go out on Khao Sahn road.

Ah there's just so much to tell and I have some jetlag. That's all for now.

In America while I was gone, Sin City opened. I love Rodriquez so much, so I am eagerly awaiting this movie, but I heard the plot sucked. Either way it appears to be visually groundbreaking, so, ya know, I gotta give some props to my man and check it out.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Killin time in Tokyo

I'm waiting here for my connecting flight to JFK. There's lots of weird happy candies all over this place.

Bye Bye Bangkok
(I wrote this little blurb last night but it didn't publish correctly . . . )
That's a fun and not fun thing to say. Fun for alliteration, and not fun for the fact that I have to leave now. This place rules. I have had an awesome time and can't wait to upload the 200 pictures I have taken. Thailand rocks. By now we have visited Ko Samui, Ko Phagnan, Ko Chang, Bangkok, Ayuttaya, and some other little stopovers on the way to the islands in small towns. We also got to see a lot out of the windows of buses, trains and ferries. The sky rail is super fun. But that's a somewhat inept statement. It's midnight here and I fly out at 4 am. Hooray! So you'll be hearing from me Monday morning, or Sunday night if I am super excited with my pictures. Furthermore, sometimes I think Bangkok makes one crap a lot more than normal.