Friday, April 15, 2005

Medical warning: babies. Please consult physician before administering to eyes. Cause they make my one friend puke on demand.

Hey guys, can I come join you?

When I want to feel sorry for myself, I play the following Beach Boys songs:
God Only Knows
Wouldn't It Be Nice

In my estimation, those are the saddest songs ever made. I think they are all happy and innocent on the outside, but filled with pain and desperation on the inside. And sometimes that's exactly what I am salatiously hungry for.

Salatious isn't a word. But here I needed to use it with you to communicate a certain feeling. Here's my definition: a kind of mouth-watering salvatory desire. Similar to salacious, but modified for my current usage. Accept it as truth and fucking move on so I can make my point ok?

It's nice feeling sorry for yourself sometimes. I mean I am pretty happy lately. I enjoy life these days and have little to worry about- no major issues, no major battles to fight. I don't enjoy negative energy or bitching or complaining, but there is one major plus to sadness that I don't want to miss out on simply because I am happy.

Just cause I am happy doesn't mean I can't have some self-indulgence and self-babying sessions. As a kid I admit I would pretend that something was wrong simply so I could indulge in my mother's babying.

So I guess this is a reflection of being one who loves attention. But don't knock that. Attention is the opposite of a tree falling in the forest. Attention is great. It can make you feel alive. It's acknowledgement by others and encouragement to be free and encouragement to further engage in whatever you're engaging in. And in the realm of feeling sorry for yourself, it invites coddling and babying and snuggling. Very different than pity. Pity sucks- more nurturing. More like laying down all of the ego's desires and going on a pathetic-vacation. But of course I don't want that kind of attention from just anybody. I used to like it from the parents. Now I only want that from my 'rents when I am really sick. And I have been known to like that kind of attention from a boyfriend. Not from a dater. I don't even like those mofos to touch my stuff. But I trust it from myself.

Self- go coddle self!

Everybody hurts. Sometimes.

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