Saturday, July 30, 2005

Dumbass, get yo ass to the porcelain asap.

Most of the songs on Pretty Hate Machine make me horny. Especially that song "The Only Time". Actually maybe it's more that I generally abstain from sex. I think looking at the bottle of dishsoap on the kitchen counter has something sexy about it too, so yeah. Fuck, why does lack of sex mess with your brains so much? Maybe it's because I am in my 20s and nature's all like "Have some babies, cmon go for it" and I'm all like "Shut the fuck up nature you're stupid, ps, nice job with seahorses, they're so dumb".

Listen nature, I just can't go sleepin' round. There's so much dirt nastiness in all these people's crotches out there, and also if I didn't, what on earth would be my criteria for limiting the amount of people I sleep with? I mean, it's fairly easy to find a tasty fish in the sea on any given night of the week in NYC. I never understand that. I mean, if I was drunk and in the moment, and was cool with sleeping with anyone so long as there was attraction, wouldn't I have sex with like 100 people or something? I mean my main reason is that I actually think the act is special and I only want to share it with someone meaningful to me- blah blah blah- but seriously- I know people who don't care about that, and they haven't had sex with buckets of people- so how do people resist if they have no moral issue with it? I don't get it I don't.

People think it's funny when you get really into your iPod in front of them. Especially on the Path. Foolproof way to make giggles.

Puked soo much this morning. But I deserved it a lot. 1. Homemade Cosmos at the apartment, 2. Grapefruit Mojito at some other place, 3. Beer and Cheap Whisky shot special at Orchard Bar, 4. some guy's bottle service- aka, cup of vodka and ice with a splash of juice. And Pad Thai and ice cream cones. Thank god I at least left before half of our group went to Bungalow 8 till like a hundred o clock in the morning. Duh Heather! Who do you think you are drinking that? Woo lookit me I think I'm Liza Minelli all of the sudden.

Speaking of Liza Minelli, got a call back from the gay porn place. I am one of 3 "finalists" and so I have to write a press release for a new porno coming out. Best pitch and press release wins the job. This assignment sure beats reflecting on my favorite holiday for that bitch Mrs. Chabookian and her stupid alergies to mold and giving me an F on that research paper.

Friday, July 29, 2005

Filth and Depravity up in here!

(sandwich + puppy= better than many other things!)
I woke up this morning in a friend's Manhattan apartment and thought it wise to wonder around the city. I walked down my old Bedford St path that I used to walk to work and saw the old Italians and chatted with them. They thought it had been a year since I had walked by. I miss my old morning walk. It was the prettiest commute. I knew it would happen, I would regret leaving my old job. It was awesome. I learned a lot, could do whatever I wanted all day long, and got to spend my days in SoHo. But it didn't pay well, and I saw myself getting too comfortable and going nowhere- that's really why I left. But man, do I miss it.

Went to the apple store and got the cool creature speakers. Damn you iPod you have expensive accessories that I can't resist. Cut that shit out.

My fingers smell like tuna fish. It's cause I ate some tuna fish.

So- yesterday I had the coolest job interview ever. I'll find out on Monday if I got the job. I didn't quite realize where I was interviewing, the title of the company was entertainment. The job was to be a Public Relations Coordinator, and I would get to write humorous/edgy press releases and organize fun events and things like that. Sounds like a super cool position. And it pays well.

But here's the awesome part:

It's a gay porn company. And not just any gay porn company my friends- a high class grade A kinda place. I was given one of their masterworks and this is some high budget well written stuff my friends. The models are hot gay European dudes. So I'm waiting for the call on monday to find out if I can truly say, "I work in gay porn." I've already seen the boss' ass and junk (via DVD). Yay! It was by far the coolest interview I've ever been on. And the only one that sent me home with my own copy of men having sex with each other. Speaking of which one of my slutty friends just asked me to go buy porn with her. Well it's lookin like I just caint exscape it these days, eh? Ah well, they got all kinds of cool pantyhose in those stores.

Other coolness? An ATM gave me an extra 20 bucks yesterday. Also awesome. I may start performing in a musical stage version of The Daily Show- haven't sang in a while so that should be cool. Also got a job as a PA on a Feature being shot in Brooklyn, which is cool because I have never worked on a feature and this one includes gun violence. Never worked with fight scenes either. Always gotta keep on keepin on bitches.

Endlessly entertaining


Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Most Of All

So I watched that movie Thirteen. Reminded me a lot of going through all that- but for me it was around 14. Not that it was as bad or I was as stupid. My bad behavior included making out, alcohol, shoplifting, wearing too much lipliner, sneaking out, hating my body cause it's not like in Victoria's Secret, wearing really short skirts anyway, and lighting stuff on fire. No drugs or sex or blowjobs or anorexia or self mutilation or lesbian stuff. Definitely some crappy handjobs. And a crash course in learning the hard way exactly what hooking up meant. That shaped me pretty much for the rest of my life. Like "hmm, I guess they don't necessarily call you back." I learned simple emotional detachment from physical activity. And that hasn't made me into a slut who sleeps around. Rather it enables me to both throw the same shit back into men's faces as they do to most women, and I wholeheartedly enjoy hookups as something nice and fun at that moment and at that time. Not letting it go too far and being selective about the person who you hook up with are the 2 key ingredients to happy emotionally vacant hookups. There is pure good in just plain kissing a young hot piece of ass. It's awesome. Granted I enjoy doing more than that. But I don't fuck around, literally.

And there is a difference between a good hookup and real intimacy. A good hookup is a Robert Rodriguez movie, glossy, curvy, sparkling, luscious. And if you’re lucky it’s a little James Cameron, with some cold hard metal and large boats. A good hookup is a juicy peach. It should fill your mouth with wet sweetness and leave you hungry for more when you’re done. But not real sweetness. Something immediate. Something instantly satisfying.

But when you eat a lot of peaches you can forget about all the beauty that’s overlooked in your devouring.

And when you experience intimacy you know it. It hits you hard in the face with its glaring reality. It’s sobering, it’s in the light of day. And it had been almost a year before I felt it again without even remembering that I had been missing it (this didn’t happen recently btw). It took me by such surprise that I cried to myself. It’s the kind of touching that tells you that your skin is the most beautiful thing in the world, that reminds you of all these forgotten places on your body that are suddenly being celebrated. The places you can’t see in the mirror feel like heaven when kissed caringly and gently. It reminds you that your body is an amazing and beautiful temple to be worshipped. When you have a physical relationship with someone you love, you forget that the love is there even when you just touch. That the little things, like kissing someone’s neck in the morning and brushing past the inside of their arms, stop happening when you aren’t in love or don’t have intimacy with someone. I’m not afraid of intimacy. I just refuse to pass that shit around. I don’t want my hand held or my bed occupied in the morning by someone who is there for nighttime purposes only. And in the name of things being awesome, this doesn’t mean that nighttime purposes aren’t important purposes.

But I did have intimacy without love this past year. And it was based on a special kind of connection I had with someone, a unique kind of trust. Maybe it was the trust that made it possible, but for some reason, I was able to be affected by this person. I let him in. I let him stay in the morning. I let him see me cry. I looked forward to seeing him. He is a friend.

I love men.

Sometimes I hate them too.

But mostly, I love them. I love to sample all the different flavors. I love their stupid smiles and dumb comments. I love how transparent and simple they are. I love how easy they are to trick, and how easy they are to see right through. I love how they think being irritable is being tough, and how silly they can be when they are mad. I love how easily they can get me all worked up because they have no idea how to communicate. I love what sappy emotional messes they are when their vulnerability is exposed. I love their comradery and their sense of youth and fun. I love being in cars with them. I love their friendship. I love how much beer they can drink. I love their eyes and big hands and chest hair. But most of all, I love their cocks.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Brain Cells

This is a bad month to try and be productive. It's too damn hot, sticky, and non-airconditioned in my crib. Plus, as of yesterday, I think I can actually feel the dead brain cells flowing slowly around my brain cavity. I just feel stupified, like I can't think. Like I'm not all that sharp and I can't focus. Maybe it's the heat. But maybe, just maybe, I've been murdering them with my high fallutin drink a lot lifestyle. They say that drinking kills brain cells. Will this theory actually show itself in my young days? Will it actually make me stupid when I'm sober? Aren't people in their 20s invincible? I'm not sure. Perhaps I should reflect over a cold Jager shot.

I really liked my celebrity sighting of yesterday. We were in the secluded Freeman's Alley on L.E.S. and there was a group of peeps talkin, which included Sophia Coppola, Molly Shannon, and three other not famous people. Sophia is really pretty I thought. Good god I wanted to say hi to her. But she was in such a secluded area, definitely going there to get away from people who want to say hi to her. I couldn't do it. Oh well.

Did stand up for my second time last night. I liked it a lot better than my first time- the crowd here was cooler. Once again, I know that I wasn't great. I am just not there yet. I didn't bomb. People laughed at all the right places. I was nervous and I didn't try to hide it. I just took out my notes, looked at them unapologetically, and went for the jokes. I smiled throughout, and enjoyed the opportunity to share my shit with some ears. I still prefer sketch writing a hell of a lot more, but it's not time for me to give up on this yet. I suppose I should keep doin it. Friends told me they think I am funnier in this blog and in person than with what I do in standup. So it's safe to say I haven't found my zone yet. Ah well. There's something to be said for doing something you fucking hate doing. It's kind of thrilling to put yourself in that position.

Wedding Crashers SUCKED.
Some very cool people have been saying it was great. They are wrong. Me and the person I saw it with both thought it was not good. But there were some moments. The female performances were what really stood out. The crazy chick, played by Isla Fisher, was awesome- perfect with perfect timing and energy. Rachel McAdams was so freakin striking. I was so impressed by her charisma and charm on-screen. I would cast her in lots of stuff. She's got tons of potential. Her and Alexis Bledel- young up and coming actresses that I think are pretty great. And this makes me happy cause a lot of the comedies lately seem to have strong female characters. Most of the comedy movies of the past objectify women to absurd extents with few exceptions- the Jerk being one exception- where Bernadette Peters was especially delightful. But also, I just saw Anchorman. That has a slow start and some stupid elements, but overall, I thought it was hilarious and had tons of funny moments that I could enjoy watching again and again. And Christina Applegate was great in it. Also, in the Girl Next Door, a movie I thought made some weird choices, Elisha Cuthbert was kind of funny and strong too (especially cool was her line "It's a little funny"). I hope the trend of having strong and compelling female roles in comedies continues.

Back to this movie. They underused Christopher Walken. He's so damn funny, use him. The bad guy was too bad. The movie was so freakin long. There was a halfway point where I thought it was over. Good god was I wrong. And the director kept getting confused as to whether he was directing a comedy or a bull shit drama soap opera. So predictable and chickflickish. Will Ferrell's short presence was welcome. It's very clear to me that Will Ferrell is a comic power player of our time, whatever that means. He has a "thing" and he owns it. He comes on screen and you get what you hope for out of him. The beginning montage of wedding crashing was seizure inducing and way too much. Where were the editors on this damn movie dammit! Ah whateva.
And- I finally got an iPod Tuesday! It's a 20 gb regular white one- but the new regular ones have color screens and automatically allow you to put photos on them, but I haven't figured out how to do that yet, and I'd rather use the space for songs anyways. One problem I am having is that I am far to excited to have so many choices at my fingertips, I find it really really hard to sit through one song without getting excited for another one. So I've been experiencing more excitement than enjoyment, but I suppose once the newness wears off, that'll happen. Now I just need me a docking station with some phat speakers.

Hollister- a new company in my hometown's mall. Not in the city, but in Jersey malls. It has awesome cheap jeans and all sorts of other awesome clothes.

Deodorant is so cool. I just put some on and it totally knocked out my nasty unemployment stench. Yessssss.

The fire department was at my apartment yesterday. Some alarm wouldn't go off. When asked if she was dizzy (carbon monoxide alarm was going off I think), my roommate responds "Yes, but I think that's cause I didn't finish my nap". Before they came (I wasn't home), she shoved all questionable items we owned into a pair of my shorts and tossed them in my room. I picked them up today and all sorts of items fell out. I was amused.

Monday, July 18, 2005


I've been busy, but still, unemployment allows a person to be at home during the day. Pleasures:

- I've discovered something extremely wonderful. When I spend time with it, I am instantly happy. I think of all the possible uses, there's got to be endless things I can do with this thing. I hate washing dishes, but I love to use my new Dawn Power Dish Brush or "Vroum-Vaisselle", 4 AA batteries included! It's a cordless scrubber. You can scrub all kinds of things set to the tune of a little vroom vroom motor. 7.99. You can scrub all kinds of things. You can scrub them in a really fast and powerful way.

- There are some whack moms out there. Just watch Date My Mom and you'll see.
- A NIN fan for many years now, I never played "The Downward Spiral" while working out. I think I'm probably the perkiest NIN fan out there. By working out I mean kicking ass on my mini stepper.

I LOVE my mini-stepper. It's a whole exercise machine in my apartment. I don't use those arm bands. I dance/step. A kind of boogying with ass-bouncing action during the steps that's a unique non-rhythmic work-out I made up all my own. Some times I bust it hardcore with little 5 pound weights in hand, but either way I sweat like a sweaty person in warmth while I do it. Anyhow, The Downward Spiral is the very best workout music ever.
- Plain yogurt is a good if not tastier mayo substitute. Combine with lemon juice, cucumber, and tobasco.
- I don't like Montel Williams.
- I really like lists. You can make all kinds of lists.
Here is a list within this list:
Doctors, Credit Cards, Measuring Cups, Keanu Reeves
-> answer- things that remind me of my childhood? incorrect. Things that make you go hmm

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Let's not Suck

any more cock than truly neccessary . . .

No that's not what I meant. I meant let's not let this blog suck too bad by not updating it even though I am not in optimal blog writing form (yes "optimal blog writing form" is a phrase mouthed by me, which is authentically dorky, and in this day and age, dorky is cool, and authentic dorky is ten-fold pimp- bitch!).

Things worth mentioning:
1. Siefried and Roy look so good all the time, how do they do it?!
2. I just painted my toenails hot pink. This was a mistake.
3. My gyno is a fat man with a combover and a Hawaiian shirt. I scream and cry inside when he a) pinches my nipples and b) ugh . . . I have penis envy. All in the name of not being pregnable.
4. Collecting unemployment is so awesome. They give you a decent amount of money.
5. I laugh to myself when I think about this story this guy at my last job told me about how his family moved to the suburbs when he was like 8 and he was wondering around suburban New Jersey one day when this guy asked him if he was lost and he huffed and puffed "Where is the damn subway!".
6. I've said this before, but never here, Jenifer Connolly would've been the perfect Rachel Dawes in the newest Batman. She and Kate Winslet are my favorite young actresses.
7. The new video from NIN "Only" is on the net, directed by "Fight Club"s David Fincher.
8. Grape Ape

9. Ok so my current famous dudes I want/need to tap the asses of: Peter Krause, Trent Reznor, Billy Crudup.
10. Josh Hartnett too. He's the next Brad Pitt/Johnny Depp "I'm super hot but I'm a deeply interesting and versitile actor too".
11. Corey Feldman in Fatal Attraction?
12. Recently caught Peggy Bundy saying something like "Were you thinking of that Pippy Longstocking girl? . . . I hate her." on a rerun.
13. Women always tell each other about the size of dudes they get with's thingies. Why don't we just keep an international database of this crap so there's less surprises. If we know what we're getting into, we're less likely to react unpredictably. Oh wait, I know why we don't do that. Cause we're not dicks.
14. "What is the deal" with celebrity sex tapes? I mean come on? Don't they have enough money to put it in DVD format. VHS? What is that?
15. And on that note, I am dreading doing more standup, but I will be doing it: July 21- Thursday, Lower East Side; Here's the details. See it. Or don't see it. WhateverIdontCare.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Chance of Hooking Up with 15 year old Goth Kid: Up 60 %

YESSS! Finally - I got tickets- great tickets- to a NIN concert. All because I spent extra money to join the NIN fan club, so I can get exclusive ticket pre-sales, and even get a special members entrance at the shows or something like that (and neat member thingies like merchandise). Yesss! I have no fucking doubt in my mind that I will immensely enjoy this show. Trent is such a fucking awesome performer it's sick. And my tickets are for his show at MSG- a totally shitty venue- but they are on the floor level! And they're reserved seats- so I can be at floor level without being all smooshed! And it's totally the case that when you are at that level, you can get up closer to the stage I think. Yay yay! Show's not till Nov though. I am so excited I just can't hide it! I've been waiting sooooo long to see NIN live FINALLY I can see em. Woo haaa. I'm a member of "The Spiral" and I am so cool!

Fellow Spiral Member

Worked on another Short Film yesterday and it's such an awesome crew and cast I love it! It's really awesome to learn while on set. The latest gigs I have gotten were not as a P.A. either but as 2nd A.D. and Script Supervisor, and I must say it's a lot nicer to do that kind of work than to do the PA stuff. Not to say that I don't help out with P.A. stuff, I do. But I have to admit I haven't learned all about what those little metal clamps and wires do. But on the job experience is the coolest. It's especially great to work with a crew and director that teaches you and is patient with you. I ask a lot of questions and let them know I am not experienced. I always think that's better cause being thrown into these situations is absolutely humbling. But this crew is one of the friendliest I've worked with so far. We are shooting out in upstate NY where there's lots of animals and weird stuff in the woods. Tomorrow National Lampoon is coming and doing a story on the film so that should be cool (it's a comedy).

Why is Ryan Seacrest so cool?

PS- Baby Wants Candy is performing at the Abingdon Theatre in NYC next week- one of the most talented comedy groups I know of- It's actually musical improv and it's so incredibly good it's sick!

Monday, July 11, 2005

Jersey rules again!

Jersey is the number 1 and 9 best place to live! I already knew that- ha. Chatham is like 2 towns east of me too. Proving that where I am from is cooler than where-ever y'all are from. Yay.
Best Places to Live.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Dick Cream

Or at least that was the perfect title for today's post until this morning. But I was thinking about cream, dick cream, yesterday. So I already knew this was going here. And some times require adaptation. This morning, I'm not interested in it.

This morning's London attacks leave me feeling somber, but I am way too disconnected from it to cry or feel super sad like other people probably do. Of course I am sad for the victims, but you know, it's not hitting me close to home. But walking around town this morning reminded me of all the fear. Yeah right go back to normal. This whole town, whole country, is just a big macho man afraid to cry. Not that we don't cry and don't remember. And that it would be entirely impossible to walk around all messed up in the head everyday. But dammit, I hate the talk "Don't let them make us live in fear." We lose, it's scary. I'm scared of new attacks. But I'll still throw on stilletos and wait for a PATH train for a half hour so I can get wasted at some bar with fabulous people multiple nights of the week. Yeah, I go on living. Yeah, I don't think about it all the time. But dammit it's scary. As New Yorkers we know that the end of our world could come at any time. It's entirely plausible to be blown up today or tomorrow. We live in a Volcano pit. We're a good people though. We know it's worth it for all the fun we're having today. And really, fuck it, you can't stop the world from turning. I exist at this moment and that's all I can control as far as whether I am dead or alive.

Back to the all important Dick Cream
In any capacity, the "dick cream" can spice up a sentence, phrase, or birthday party very well. My new penchant for the word was discovered while sitting in the kitchen of my Manasquan summer dwelling. And it's so inspiring. What a muse the simple phrase is. Simply relabel every item in your kitchen cupboard or house "dick cream", and you've got a lot of amusement coming your way. Something most especially about relabelling a jar of peanut butter as dick cream delights me most. Simple pleasures.

Oh yeah, but I was gonna talk creams with you. I found some time to go shopping yesterday- the whorebeast she is, shopping. I love to have cool stuff and bring cool stuff home with me (finally got The Adventures of Pete and Pete on DVD), but good lord I can't go past an hour without getting all pissy and irritable. And Sephora. God help that wretched beast as well. I want all that stuff in there. But there's just sooo many damned creams. Like thousands and thousands of all these creams that I am sure I need for all these important reasons that will give my ass an edge above all the other asses out there. And they all smell so good and seem to have all these special powers, some for elbows or eyeballs, or even insecurity. And I'm not really prone to anxiety, but lordy lordy I become so anxious when I am in that damned store. There's just so many items and so many kinds of each item, all of which I think I would like. Like I totally love lipgloss. But there's about a hundred lipglosses in that store that I want to take home with me and make my baby. And I just can't. And I can't pick just one. So I huff and puff inside and go home creamless. Aye carramba Sephora. Aye!

And I started writing music reviews for FHM magazine. One got in, the other didn't, but that doesn't mean I can't share my review that didn't get in with you guys! Yay!
Alanis' Jagged Little Pill Acoustic:
What in the name of yogurt commercials and elevator music is this
crap? Alanis used to be all crazy sexy like that chick in that movie
where Jim Carey and Kate Winslet fucked. And her music used to be
filled with anger and excitement like that movie where Vin Diesel
drives stuff. Jagged Little Pill "acoustic" may find it's way to the
cd rack of a wine and cheese party collection between K.D. Lang and
Sting, but the only thing this album did for me was make me want to
hear the original. It's cool to be pissed off when you're an
angst-ridden teen blowing Dave Coulier in movie theatres, but
platinum-selling songstresses should spare us the attempt at
career-salvaging re-hashes (see: George Lucas). Isn't it ironic? No,
just like the instances in her song, it's not ironic, it just sucks.
Seriously, Alanis, take some advice from your ex and "Cut-It-Out".
Alanis remake we'd love to see? Surely Weird Al could do something
with "One Hand in My Pocket".

Jason Segel is really sexy.
-> related: Slackers Film Fest on the Waterfront in NYC. And some Slackers quote action.

Awesome New Jersey Shirts printed on American Apparel.

Note about dick cream:
The phrase was used in Wet Hot American Summer by the actor Christopher Meloni at this moment
Gene: Now we need to make 8 gallons of bug juice by snack hour, do you know where the powder packets are?
Gary: Yeah.
Gene: In the pantry, above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream. Uh, wait, forget that last part.

Monday, July 04, 2005


A bunch of disgusting stuff.
I can't leave that hostile post at the very top of my site for sooo many days.
This weekend was very wonderful and filled with beachtime, substance abuse, friends, and some Kentucky boys (cute ones- yeah if you're reading this I mean you, really there's no other Kentucky boys, I don't even think I've seen anybody from Kentucky before this weekend, Colonel Sanders aside). AND not only did I get to enjoy 4th of July wknd at the beach, but I still have time to see the Macy's fireworks tonight on a friend's rooftop! I've never seen em before. I'm a lucky lady! Come on USA, can't we all just Hug It Out? Here's to great new catch phrases, and old ones too, Hasta La Vista.