Friday, September 30, 2005

Stand-up Show No. 4.0 Report

(yesterday was a good day)
I just feel great this morning. Each time I do stand up, thank god, I do improve. It's just slowly realizing things about yourself and what you're doing. This time I was actually very happy with the whole thing. It was my first performance where I wasn't holding my notes the whole time and I really felt comfortable with all the jokes. No joke sucked entirely, which felt really good cause I didn't get that - ah god I missed it- thing.

The biggest lesson from last night was that I really have to slow it down. That will help. I am a really fast talker as is- especially when I am excited and nervous, so that'll be a challenge. Also, this one part of a joke was missed cause I didn't articulate the word properly.

And though I normally don't feel comfortable discussing my relations on this site, I will say- to be honest about how lovely the last 24 hours have been, I have had some nice relations with a kind young fellow lately that were some lovely icing on the cake indeed.

(Put that icing on there bitches!)

It also felt great because a lot of my friends showed up and that is just so goddamned nice. If you have friend who is an actor or singer or something, if you go to their show, it means a lot to them. Plus positive feedback is so encouraging. It makes you feel like your efforts are actually worth something. Seriously. This blog is a little over a year old, but because of the format, it's the first time I've really had my writing read by a large audience, and it's the first time in my life I've had people, outside of a teacher's remarks on an essay, say that I am a good writer. "You're a good writer." That phrase has meant a lot to me this year and really helped me "find myself". Those kinds of remarks are like Fink Biscuits. Like I am a puppy and I am getting treats. Am I being too cheesy right now? Well up yours. That's right. Up. Yours. Ah jeez, didn't mean to get so vile right there with my filth mouth. But seriously. My mouth is filthy. You wouldn't believe the things I put in there. (pause) Sandwiches, sodas, pen caps, tempeh bacon. Hoo boy! It sure gets nuts in there! (wink wink)

Thursday, September 29, 2005

It was an interesting day

And I mean interesting in the way that people describe my job, or interesting in the disapproving yet understanding way my sister describes me and everything I do. Moving on . . .


I would have much preferred stationary with Happy Pancakes on them than this breakfasting experience . . .

This morning
I went to order my breakfast at one of those bagel places. I was listening to my ipod and one of the two guys behind the counter asked me my order. There was a girl in front of me talking to some other guy.
Me: I'll have an egg wrap w-
Her: (nostrils flaring from her thin, pale, protestant face as her secretary pants purchased from the GAP in the 90's hung from her waspy little hips like a dusty old curtain) AN EVERYTHING BAGEL WITH CREAM CHEESE
Me: (looking at her like "eh???") Um, I'm sorry but I thought that other guy was taking your order.
Her: I'm FIRST in line. I am in front of you. I order first.
Me: (staring straight into her crazy passionless eyes) You're being such a bitch right now.
Her: I am first.
Me: It's just a misunderstanding, I thought the other guy was helping you. Whatever. (I walk to the payment line, it's not exactly a line as it is a crowd, she stands next to me. I motion towards her)
You first, by all fucking means . . .
Her: Oh no, you see, you are first this time.
Me: Um, ok . . .

Then I get a call about my jeans. I bought my first pair of expensive jeans ever, which include free custom tailoring. They were ready. I had to pick them up- perhaps wearing them will give me just the right kind of self-validation I need for my show tonight. So I went to pick them up, and to kinko's for some much needed work related documents. And I had them in a folder. And the wind takes them from me and throws them in some traffic and puddles. So I have to go back to the office. "You're back?" "Um, I lost the folder." "Uh?" "The street, um, took it."

AND THEN
as I walk down a dark and quiet 7th avenue, an aged but cute man walks past me. I recognize him, give him the most flirtatious smile I could muster thinking - oh I loved you in Training Day . . . but dropped it when I remembered about my homegirl Uma, and he smiled and laughed a little, then, after we passed, I turned around to get another look, and that was when I saw Ethan Hawke, head turned right round, checking out my ass, in my fantastic new jeans.

I know what you're lookin at mister.

The day she's a spring chicken. I've got my 4th ever stand-up comedy performance. It ain't over till it's over and I am nervous.

Also, this looks interesting: Tokion Creativity Now Conference

Oh yeah, I also officially signed up for Kickboxing with enough pain to my pocketbook to make it a real commitment. It's pretty tight.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

How I bring home the washing machine, and other tall tales . . .


A page from The Preacher which I am still reading that made me fall in love with the story even more. When I sit down and read this thing I am absolutely happy. I'm on volume 5 of 10. Hope it never ends, but, . . . but it does. So sad.

This is all part of why I am happy, very happy, that I am not becoming a lawyer or politician anymore. The Supreme Court is hearing Anna Nicole Smith's case. Click here. I mean are you fucking kidding me? The Supreme Court is packed with a bunch of petty dorks who are paid to be better than all of us and instead they turn down what I can imagine are hundreds more pressing cases of human rights to hear this pathetic sensationalised crap! First that wussy O'Connor can't hang on a little longer to show up to her easy ass job where she is on vacation most of the year- to simply ensure that the court isn't heinously unbalanced. Grr. I mean what the hell- a miserly, greedy, horny old man screws over his family for tits? Yeah, men are pigs, blah blah blah, no court is going to change that. Fucking unbelievable. My collegiate hopes and dreams about American justice and politics were definitely crushed by the poor showing of the American government in the past few years.

Yeah it's all bullshit. But at least in the past we had the charismatic, intelligent, progressive thinking Clinton to sugarcoat our bleeding hearts. At least there was something there that enabled me to call myself an American with some sense of hope. Because I am a firm believer that anyone who makes it that far in politics is incapable of pushing through it without a good solid tumble in the "machine". The machine that cleans you, molds you, and shoots you out as some acceptable talking head that can be easily digested by the mainstream. That machine is of course the colleagues/other politicians, press, public opinion, and damage control. You just can't be voted anywhere without realizing you have to please people. And politicians will always be tainted by the needs of others. Yes, I really think working in porn is more respectable, because it's honest. And honesty is everything!

On another note:

Kickboxing at Club KO in Hoboken is a lot like this.
My butt hurthttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifs me. I tried kick-boxing yesterday. I think I will go again Wednesday. We will see if I keep up with it as I tend to quit things and become bored with them very easily. For now it's still my flavor of the week.

Ebert:
"Speaking in my official capacity as a Pulitzer Prize winner, Mr. Schneider, your movie sucks." (link suggestion from Tien Mao)
Rob Schneider's attack ad.
Rob Schneider's attack ad not well researched.

Cool Events:
1. The Daily Show Presents- Films from it's writers
2. Christina Olson (I'm seeing this one)
3. Classical Turntablism (I wanna see this one)
4. Monday, October 3, 7 p.m.
Free Advance Screening Of Good Night, And Good Luck
Loews Village 7
66 3rd Ave. (@ 11th St.)
5. Three Hours Of Three Olives Vodka Drinks For $3 Dollars
From 6-9 p.m., all month long, enjoy Three Olives Vodka drinks for only $3 at these locations:
Monday thru Friday:
ROGUE BAR, 757 6th Ave. (b/t 25th & 26th Sts.)
THADY CON'S, 915 2nd Ave. (b/t 48th & 49th Sts.)
CANAL BAR, 270 3rd Ave. (Brooklyn)

Wednesdays:
STITCH BAR, 247 W. 37th St. (b/t 7th & 8th Aves.)
STONE CREEK, 140 E. 27th St. (b/t Lex. & 3rd Aves.)
BROOKLYN ALE HOUSE, 103 Berry St. @ N. 8th St. (Williamsburg)
LAST EXIT, 136 Atlantic Ave. @ Henry St. (Brooklyn Hts.)

Thursdays:
THE TOWN TAVERN, 134 W. 3rd St. (b/t MacDougal & 6th Ave.)
THE COLLINS BAR, 735 8th Ave. (b/t 46th & 47th Sts.)
THE NEW NATHAN HALE'S, 22 Warren St. (b/t B'way & Church St.)
THE MARK BAR, 1025 Manhattan Ave. @ Green St. (Greenpoiint)
MOOD, 120-29 83rd Ave. (Kew Gardens)

Fridays:
REDEMPTION COCKTAIL LOUNGE, 1003 2nd Ave. @ 53rd St.
BAR COASTAL, 1495 1st Ave. (b/t 78th & 79th Sts.)

And don't forget about Thursday, www.varietyunderground.com. I'm doin the stand up.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Really Immature Fun

From Kitten Pants

PUBERTY PALS
Today we bring you a sneak preview of the upcoming Kittenpants-produced feature film, PUBERTY: THE MOVIE. The movie stars Joe Lo Truglio, Caitlin Miller, Todd Barry, David Wain, Jon Benjamin, Eugene Mirman, Corn Mo, and Amy Sedaris, as the voice of a talking penis.

The clip below is only a small animated segment from the film, in which some singing body parts teach kids about puberty.

Click here to watch.

Monday, September 26, 2005

How I bring home the bacon.


From the TimeOut NY shoot- about my job- on Friday.
Answers to typical questions about my lovely new job. (Note, asterisks are used for words that I don't want people googling to get here.)
What do you do?
The title is Public Relations Coordinator at an (all-male) gay p*rn company. And since my boss is a sort of celebrity, I am also his publicist. I write all kinds of things, like: the copy on the boxes and website, press releases, attention grabbing letters to magazines, reviewers, fans, etc- whatever I can to get good press, and assist my boss in writing his blog. I often have opportunity to incorporate jokes into my workproduct. I keep track of our press, which includes gathering reviews and press mentions, etc. I deal with friends of the company and try to keep them happy. Magazines often request materials from me, I have to gather them. I deal with public appearances and interviews, etc. I have to come up with new ideas as to how to get publicity and how to help our image. There's a bunch of random things to do that come up in a day. It's a very demanding and important job to the company because if I don't do a good job, we don't sell, and we don't make money.

Would you ever appear in p*rn?
No. Absolutely not. For a few reasons. First of all, I don't want to be objectified. I don't want someone to give value to my body over my mind. I don't want to be seen without some contribution from my soul. Secondly, I want to choose who sees me naked. That's something intimate I want to reserve for me and who I choose to share it with. I would, however, appear in something artistic. I don't have a problem with nudity, if it is beautiful and is able to show the nude form with some sense of humanity rather than treat it as something solely for getting off on. I would do something like that out of curiosity as to what the artist could see in me. But this is about my choice, not others. P*rn actors are people too. Just because they make choices that I wouldn't make, doesn't mean they are bad or worthless or anything like this. Sure, maybe some are, but not all. Actually, from my experience, they tend to be very interesting and complicated people.

What are your feelings about working there?
I would never work in straight p*rn. I think that women in p*rn tend to be cut up and mutilated- which is how I view cosmetic surgery. Their god given bodies are cut up not for their own good, but purely to please the tastes of mid-life crisis Bush-voting mofo's sitting in their basements while their wives are asleep, frat boys, or pre-pubescent little jerks among some decent people as well. Making personal life choices simply to benefit the tastes of others, let alone others who include all kinds of assh*les, disgusts me. I make my choices when I know they are right by my terms and no one else's. I can't imagine cutting up my body because some guys like Barbie lookalikes.

Gay p*rn is different, I think. But I could be wrong. Men seem to have a lot more power as subjects, and it is not all about being degraded and humiliated as I find often happens to women in p*rn. It seems a lot more consensual to me. And while I have met plenty of gay people in my life, I've never had a close relationship with a gay person. Gay people are a whole sector of society that I didn't understand or know as well before, and I am happy to be a part of it. You learn more about life from people and how they live, and I'd welcome the opportunity to have an inside look into other social and racial groups as well.

How did you get this job?
The ad said something about wanting a funny, edgy writer. I sent in my resume, came for an interview, submitted a writing sample. Then it was narrowed down to 3 people and we had to write a press release. I won the job because they said I wrote the best press release.

What's the office like?
Same as any, but there's some interesting magazine covers on the wall. We have a sense of humor about what we do, so the office has a great energy. It's cool because it's a medium sized company, and jobs are split between few people. You see how individual business decisions greatly impact everyone.

How do you feel, morally, about being there?
This is not your ordinary p*rn company. Their goal is to make sexy videos of safe, drug-free fantasy. We have a strict condom policy and will not work with actors who have done b*reback (no condom) films. On big productions, we drug test the actors. The message is that sex can be fun and great even when it is safe and without drugs. We are also very concerned with fashion and beauty. One of our slogans is that we are "New York's Best Defense Against Bad P*rn." My boss often questions why p*rn has to be so cheesy and stupid looking. We aspire to be the champagne and caviar of gay p*rn. They are also not into "gay for p*y" or using straight actors. They want to use guys who want to be there. I am really happy to assist a company with these goals. Maybe I'll find that I don't believe in this company down the road. I suppose if that happens I will leave. But as far as I can see, this industry is just the kind of honest, no bullshit, kind of place that I am. Kind of. I am not a place. Kind of.

Do you have to watch a lot of p*rn?
No, not really. I find some of it gross and I may have someone else at work watch it for me to help me know what to call the things that are happening. I'll watch it but fast forward through the stuff I don't really enjoy. I don't have time to sit through it all anyway. I definitely enjoy the plot. I don't go to set and I don't deal with casting. I am in an office at a desk with a computer.

Do you like p*rn?
It's alright. I prefer the real thing. I find movies like Henry & June more enticing. I get more worked up seeing my favorite sexy actors in movies or tv shows. I am also more excited by memories of real experiences. But I must say, some of the pictures of hot guys at work are rather appealing. Sometimes I am just struck by some of our images. I've taken a new appreciation of male beauty.

How's the pay?
Better than anything I've had before. Great benefits, hours, and delightful co-workers. And instead of coworkers checking out my ass, they're checking out my freakin cute shoes.

Is everyone there gay? Do any women work there?
It's a medium sized office, but the business keeps expanding and we've hired 3 new people since I have been there. Yeah, there's a few women, and about half of the office is straight.

Do you like an*l s*x?
No. I haven't tried it and I never will. As I've said before and I will say it again, why do an*l when you have a perfectly good hole next door? Men supposedly have some kind of g spot there, but women don't. Plus my V serves me perfectly fine for all such purposes. I think it's insulting to the V. She shouldn't be ignored. She does the job very well as is. Plus all things associated with poop strike me as un-sexy. I don't have anything against men doing it with each other. I am glad they can have such a nice time together.

"I'm not interested in any of that/I'm not gay/Keep me away from that"
Listen straight boy. Nobody cares about you. There are plenty of hot g*y men out there and they could give a crap about you. They've heard of homophobia, they don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. Get over it, you're not that cute anyway.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Honeymoon on Mars

I was in a little flick called Honeymoon on Mars.
You can watch it here: Honeymoon on Mars. Newest version of Quicktime needed.


PS- I really loved the movie A Lot Like Love with Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet and I don't give a crap about the haters. I don't think people out of my generation will connect with it though, and the plot is really lame and frustrating (but not bad enough to ruin the movie). That said- the dialogue, directing, lighting, style/makeup, acting, and writing are excellent. It has unconventional characters and moments and does an excellent job of highlighting moments (sorry for repeating the word but I couldn't think of a better one) that bring realism and sensitivity to what's going on.

Amanda Peet is a really charismatic and talented actress. And I like Kutcher. A lot. He's just not cut out for dramas though. Or maybe he doesn't know how to pick a script (Butterfly Effect).

Friday, September 23, 2005

Hello from Heather Reznor


So I'm slowly developing my altar ego "Heather Reznor". That is my workname as it seems customary to have a pseudonym in this industry. Just guess how I chose the name . . .

Anyhow I think it's time for me to talk about my job so I will make a point to write about it this weekend. And hopefully give you guys an inside look on a very interesting world. And yes, I am very happy I chose to accept the position here. This morning I did a shoot for Time Out NY's Oct 9 issue about the industry, and last night I went to a VIP shopping night at Dutch retailer Mexx (as well as other fashion week things), all because of this job.

I am also learning a lot about the beast of the press, as they are who I work with. You can see much of the excitement Michael has generated in the gossip world at his site: click here. Since I have been here, I too have been written about in a few newsletters and publications as simply "Heather". Perhaps the Reznor is too obvious. If you pick up the latest copy of Next magazine (you know, the next time you're in Chelsea) you can see that they wrote all about me, and that they of course found their own clever way of twisting my words around. I'll tell you- they are sneaky bastards. And who knows what the hell they were talking about in Page Six this week. Fortunately Michael has captivated the mind of one style editor at New York Times, so I am really looking forward to seeing their fashion article on him which they will be working on in late October, probably not to be printed till November.

It's hard for a gay p*rn star to get favorable press. But he's less of a wh*re than many of the Paris Hilton types out there- because when he makes p*rn he labels it as such rather than doing the stupid Britney Spears/Jessica Simpson "I'm an innocent virgin but don't I look cute in this thong" complete bullshit/facade existence. One thing I do know is that this is the most honest industry that exists. When it's nasty, it labels itself nasty. Michael himself knows that what he does isn't art and he'll tell you that he thinks that a hundred times over. But as far as creating healthy and beautiful sexual expression that caters to upscale appetites- yeah, we think it is just that.

Just check out the pics of the guys in this entry, they sure as hell look classier than Lohan. This one on the right is Michael (They are all very GQ, eh?).


Anyhow, for those enquiring minds, I'll tell all about the biz very soon . . . In the meantime, enjoy a dating tip from my homeboy David W:

Wanna impress a girl? It's easy as pie! When out on a first date, if you happen to see a revolving door coming, allow her to go ahead of you and say, "here, let me hold the door for you". Then, when she's going through, stop the door as hard and as fast as you can. If she runs into the door, then you know it's real.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I just Don't know what to do with myself . . .

. . . maybe she's just trying to figure it out?

Cute Boots Kate! Fashion tips from Ms. Moss-> In: Cocaine Out: Family Picnics or other gatherings with eating


Kate Moss always looks SUPER CUTE! Even when she's wearing tampons for a nose ring and hand jewelry! You go girl!

PS- My next stand-up date finally exists

SEPTEMBER 29
Variety Underground.

Come see :)
Thursday 7pm
Lower East Side; 317 E Houston St., the room all the way in the back of the bar
F/V to second Ave (you can catch this train at the 14th st PATH station)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Life moves like molasses, without sex.

Yes the sexless day or the day without the promise of sex is a day of focus and determination, an hour free of interruption from the fact that you are a hungry animal. Seconds call upon you to fulfill your noble goals, plateau of satisfaction upon their completion. Great is the viscosity of minutes when there is no proper number to drunk dial. When your options are nihil. Caffinate my cells with fire. Love is humidity. I am dry as age. When there is no object of my desire, all I can think of is the days end, when I have grown nearer to ordinary achievments. I am forced to focus on the future. All actions are practical. Tedious. Libido is the kindest friend of immediacy. Everyone loves to at least have a crush. When all else fails, she sees the empty magician. Smoke and mirrors. Masturbation. Tick-tock.

Monday, September 19, 2005

Emmy Explosion!

Defamer's Emmy Moments (they're funny)

Marcia Cross looked super cool!


Oh Piven, so silly.

So me and some comrades decided that it was urgent to make some lists.

Here's mine, and I am sure there are people left out. I'll update it accordingly as it is of utmost importance.

Favorite Actresses/Actresses to look out for and cast in all kinds of stuff:
Evangeline Lilly
Alexis Bledel
Rachel McAdams
Kate Winslet
Jenifer Connolly
Jenifer Garner
Isla Fischer
Cate Blanchett
Famke Janson
Marcia Cross
Juliane Moore
Felicity Huffman
Audrey Tatou
Gweneth P (sometimes she irritates, what with that fucker Apple baby)
Portia DeRossi
Ellen D
Laura Linney
Sandra Bullock
Julia Roberts
Julia Ormond
Rachel Griffiths
Francis Conroy
UMA
Claire Danes
Christina Applegate
Penelope Cruz
Candace Bergen
Jane Kazmereck or whatev the mom from Malcolm is called.

Though discussed much before, I don't mind repeating their names,
Favorite Actors:
Matthew Fox
Ron Livingston
Josh Hartnett
Johnny Depp
Brad Pitt
Edward Norton
Alec Baldwin
Mark Ruffalo
Colin Farrell
Pierce Brosnan
Hugh Grant
Orlando B
Peter Krause
Saarsgard
Justin Theroux
Jamie Foxx
Denzel
Christopher Meloni
Paul Rudd
Billy Crudup
Gandolfini
Sascha Baron Cohen
Dudes with last name Fiennes
Jason Lee
Thomas Everett Scott
Young Tom Hanks and Bruce Willis
Ted McGinley
Ed Harris
Liam Neeson
Jim Carrey

IRRITATING LADIES LIST:
Usher
Scarlett Johanson (also my favorite sometimes)
Natalie Portman (like her in moments too)
Halle Berry (she cries too much)
The lady in the Toyota Commercial "September Clearance Event"

DISLIKE:
Jenifer Love Hewitt
Angelina Jolie (fake pretentiousness, she aint punkrock, she's the daughter of rich daddy John Voight)
Kirsten Dunst (but she was ok in Eternal Sunshine)
Jessica Alba
Jessica and Ashley Simpson
Nicolette Sheridan and Eva Langoria

And I didn't try to think of actors I don't like, but actually I don't like Tom Cruise and Adrian Grenier even though I like Entourage, and anyone who watches that knows Shatner robbed Piven (the episode where he gets fired? C'mon!) And Ali G should've won some of Daily Show's awards. I love Daily Show but goddamn Ali G is some fine fine Television!

And here's Christy Ciccatello's take on this whole listey-poo:
Actors i LOVE: Chuck Knoblauch, John Travolta, My Cousin Scott Baio, & The Host of The Amazing Race.

Actors i HATE: Richard Nixon & Vermont Teddy Bears.

Actresses i LOVE: Olivia Newton-John & Jennifer Aniston

Actresses i HATE: Rutie from the Cosby Show & CATHERINE ZETA-JONES


Finally after last night I can say that in this year I have had "relations" with both an emmy award nominee and an actor that I got to see on the big screen. And that's just a plain fun single-livin fact.

Want to hear another fun fact? This Friday I will be doing a photo shoot with Time Out NY as a part of a feature story in their October 9 "Sex" issue. They are interviewing me about my job. Neato! So unless something gets fucked up at the shoot or whatever, you will see me in Time Out NY. Yay.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Never Forget


Uncle Wim and me at the World Trade Center.
I watched "In Memoriam" a 9/11 documentary on HBO On Demand last night. Remembered, cried. My god did that hurt. Of course we have Bush as president. Hell yeah the terrorists won. We are all so fucked in the fucking head from what happened. I can't explain what happened where we voted for him in the first place, but there is this quote in the beginning of this comic book I am reading "The Book of Jesse":
As democracy is perfected, the office of the President represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.
- H.L. Mencken


When I got home from the city Sunday night, drunk off wine, anxious to kick of my shoes, I walked past Hobson's, a popular Hoboken bar, and saw a sign in the window "9/11 benefit in memory of Wayne Hobson who died in the WTC attacks" or however it was worded. Oh yeah. Today is September 11. This is the first year that people really seemed to move on with their lives on that day, at least in New York, maybe the rest of the world moved on sooner. Maybe it's Katrina, probably it's that people want to move on. I've learned in this past year for the first time that there is virtue in ignorance, at least educated ignorance- acknowledging the truth and then moving on. I do this with politics. Social issues pain me far too much to wrap my head around them as I used to.

There's nothing wrong with choosing happiness over obsession with the truth. If I wanted to be happy this year, I had to ignore my heartbreak. I had to choose to be happy and choose to move on. I had to choose me. I know what happened, now it's time to fucking buck up and enjoy these hours on earth. And living in this America I feel like I stand in the middle of a field of burning babies and suffering and molding and rotting misery while I have a refreshing import beer and a steak. This culture and its ideals rot every day, Yet I am cushioned by this insular city and this fabulous life and I ought not exercise my peripheral vision if I don't want to spoil my meal. FEMA fucked up, women are stoned to death in foreign countries for getting raped, cancer, fuck man- we didn't start the fire. My point is that there's this "Never Forget" thing. But that's just too crippling. 9/11 hurt and it hurt bad. And we aren't the same America or New York that we used to be. We are scared and threatened and weirded the hell out. And collectively, we aren't thinking rationally. And I believe that explains George W. And maybe Katrina was a wakeup call.

Hello! Good Morning! Wake-up! All that your president is is a socialite- an image whose sole job is as a figurehead. All he does is convey messages, with symbolic acts and a team that delicately balances his PR. All his acts are symbolic and their only purpose is to create and manipulate his image. He doesn't care what he does and he doesn't really seem to do anything on purpose. And with Katrina it's like he's been caught. It's like watching Christina Applegate in Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead, but in the end she actually did a good job. He's caught, he's unqualified, it's all an act. Incompetence rears its whorish head. We been fucked by democracy's power to create a tyranny of the majority.

And now it's time you dickheads, for a personal declaration.
I am an American and I am a New Yorker. I don't give a shit if someone is more New York than me and humped the ground of Manhattan themselves. This is me. I love these people and this city and it is the center of the only universe that matters to me. It is the most thinking and most evolved social center of the modern world. It's a meccca of ideas and art and it knows what life is. And it comes with the freedom to go on vacation from it. New York is the culture that cultivated me and I grew up in its shadow. I love this place. I love this country. I love my home, but damn, sometimes she's a bitch.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Keep Your Eye On the Prize, Girlfriend.


Sometime's there just aren't enough balls. That's when you have to take things into your own hands. So if you're playing tennis, and the balls have bounced away, and there's a hot sweaty man around, get him on the ground and start making out with him. Now while you may think that you can get more balls by grabbing at his testes, don't be so vulgar and childish. Indeed I am not speaking of those balls. Regardless, if you don't know the man well he may not be so trusting as to let you just up and at his balls. Surely you could get at them some how but that kind of hand ball intimacy may need to be based off of a solid foundation of trust. Testes are very sensitive and indeed a man may feel as though he's got his life in your hands. Do not let yourself be distracted by desires to go for his nut gold regardless of how tempted you are. You are losing site of your goal. You want more balls. Tennis balls, and those ones on the ground are no good for whatever reason. You're making out with him because he is a man and you are a woman and you are a lazy one at that and don't make no money cause women shouldn't be working, they should be in the kitchen makin lunchboxes, so you need to steal his money by a quick ass/wallet grab so you can go buy more balls. Or, if you're not a thief, alas no worry, no moral barriers will stand in the way of your achievement of said balls. Indeed you can and you will succeed. I have been with a man or two in my day, and let me let you in on a little sexy tip I learned along the way: deliver a swift prod in the chode with your right forefinger. He will dispense tennis balls in caccoon like form that will develop into full grown tennis balls in approximately 5-8 days. Moving on,

The Gap commercial asked me what my favorite song is. I think it's Epic from Faith No More. Songs are great - am I right or am I right, c'mon people!
Today's songs on the ipod getting the most play are:
Orenda Fink "Leave it All"
Kanye West "Gold Digger" and "Diamonds from Sierra Lione"
Jimmy Eat World (who has a new 5 song EP on itunes) "Game of Pricks"
Shakira "Lo Imprescindible"
Elvis "Any Way You Want Me"
Portishead "It's a Fire"

Buy tickets to Beer on the Pier 2 before they runsout!

I slept in Astoria last night. On purpose.
And the night before that I had this dream that all of my viens had turned dark bright purple and you could see them through my skin all over my body.


One of the Beautiful Images at ArtWingNY

Sundays are MTV reality show day. I treasure them, as I treasure that 70s house. MTV does reality best.

If you recently bought a computer or ipod (like myself) you're missing out. You could've gotten it in color instead . . . At least I know there's an enticing way to waste an extra hundred here and there one day when I have it to waste.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Would You Like Fries With That?


I returned to New York this weekend for the start of a new year of adventures. (see flickr photo page for evidence of such activity) The most exciting news of the weekend was that by April my niece will have either a brother or a sister.

The bad news is that I am almost certain that I drank too much this summer. Like sea monkeys on vacation, I think I can feel the dead brain cells swimming around in my head with no place to go.
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One personal improvement I have made to myself is that at all times I am carrying a sizable quantity of lube and army men in my purse. While on a skee-ball excursion exactly one fortnight ago, my superior amateur skills were winning enough to earn me quite a number of tickets, which I brought to a rather impressive "prize counter". My discerning tastes quickly drew me towards a lovely basket of light grey army men, of various combat poses. I politely told the lady at the counter "I'll take as many as these tickets can get me, and throw in one of those clappy plastic thingies as well please." Shortly thereafter in my Manhattan office, I discovered that we have a large drawer filled to the brim with portable packets of lube, and well, as they say in showbiz, the rest is history.
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I really really like fashion week. It's a lot more fun when you're actually cool enough to go to some events. Or at least know someone cool enough.
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Another achievement of the weekend that I feel most excellently about, and prior to my sister's news was the highlight of my weekend, was a simple text message from a friend. This friend, Miss Christy, called me for advice on where to go in DC. I made some suggestions, and later that night she said "You were so right!". It wasn't the being right that excited me- it was that exclamation point. The thought that she was having a great time because of my simple suggestion. I fucking love that- the power to please. The power to please is the most interesting of all powers and my favorite one of all. Just getting an opportunity where you can bring your knowledge and talents to fruition, to influence the ebbs and flows of the world to be good ones. Oh it just makes me feel so goddamned good!

The power to please is a power I'll get drunk on any day. That's like half of why I love to perform comedy. That you alone can make someone smile and laugh. To be the provider of laughs is so sexy to me. I think comedy is so powerful because of this. I also believe that our culture is used to giving men this power and that is one reason why we are reluctant to see women as funny. Of course women have historically been objectified and seen as able to please in demeaning or purely sexual ways, but that's not a power that's innately hers. The power to please via laughter and comedy is a special function of an individual's potential. Not to say that I don't enjoy providing that sexual kind of . . . philanthropy. Indeed- one of my little secrets is that I kiss with my eyes open. I want to see their face, well besides that I think the mouth is extremely hot when kissing and I wanna see it . . . I absolutely get a kick out of seeing the guy's "happiness". A recipient of my relations will notice my suddenly deviant smile, because I'm not only loving how much pleasure they are experiencing, but I'm absolutely drunk on that power to please.

Philanthropy isn't selfless and thank god. Selflessness is a pointless and vapid concept anyway. There is virtue in community, and when you're trying to be selfless, you sacrifice your connection to others. The power to please, via contributing to the great social capital of our culture, making someone smile, laugh, or shoot a big . . .
I'll stop here. My point has been made.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Football Season is Over

No More Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun - for anybody. 67. You are getting Greedy. Act your old age. Relax - This won't hurt.

Hunter S Thompson's Suicide Note.



PS- See Flight of the Conchords on HBO
Want to download the super funny "Business Time" song? Do so here.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Fortunately there is a better man.

This is what they mean when they say "be the better man". They mean that you should be like He-Man.

"The Man" is the title of a new movie that looks very bad. I haven't seen it yet, but this movie is very depressing because, well, because it was made. If "The Man" was a man, I'd say to that man, "Too bad your biological father did not jiz onto your mom's pancake breakfast instead." And then I would have shown "The Man" how bad it is that he exists, by showing him pictures of how much better the world would be without him, by using my special edition Future viewmaster machine. Which can only be used in the nude, like so:


Wouldn't it be great if they gave a stage and a microphone to the people in the Houston Astrodome or whatever it's called so that they could express themselves in a community setting? Kids could brighten up by putting on music shows or something, and people could bond with shared words. I mean, sure I'm idealizing it, but why not give these people somewhere to bond and hear each other and a way to pass the time by getting creative? Hasn't music and art historically helped cultures through hardship?

And White House- couldn't you have come up with a better one? Dorks.

What's George Michael UP TO these days, eh?????

Did you know that brazilian bikini wax means that it includes butthole waxing? Unbelievable! It's like totally no big deal to a bunch of girls that someone puts hot wax near their anus and then rips the hairs out of it! Man that's crazy. But as they say, don't knock it till you tried it. Which is why I inhale Phenobarbital.

I slept like a baby last night. I haven't slept so hard like that in a while. I woke up all diagonal and in a weird position on the bed. It was . . . great and I want you ALL to know!

I can't for the life of me figure out why page six isn't on page six. I just had to look for some article in the NY Post about my boss and couldn't find it. It doesn't make any sense!

Kate Cruise
? Honey, his real last name is Mapother. So if you want to keep it real, you'll be Mrs. Mapother. Might as well change your name to Crappy Shmomes with a name like that.

Kurt Cobain and Courtney's kid Frances Bean grows up. I'm that old?

The WTC tower light is on again. It's always reliable for getting mixed reactions outta me.

And the O.C. is on tonight, but I've made other plans. What have I become.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Summertime may be over, but President Bush still hates him some black people- let the fall begin!


Mike Myers at one of his most pointless moments. Anybody notice how Harry Connick Jr has magically transformed into a superhero? Did you see him shirtlessly carrying some lady out of her home? He's sexy, can sing, awfully helpful, and in that movie Copycat he calls underpants "Squirrel Covers" and that is some funny shit. So as far as my hurricane thinking goes. It's really amazing (in a bad way) what this has all turned into. It looks like a warzone on tv. Really the first time I've seen America look like this. And it's revealing an awful lot about us as a society.

The weekend was lovely, and though it was filled with drinking and being 24, I loved the end of the weekend the best. After packing my car before going out on Sunday night, I woke up at 7:30 am on Monday morning, went to a sale a Shopright and bought five 1 1/4 lb lobsters for 35 bucks total. Ate breakfast with my folks- did you know that soft boiled poached eggs are really awesome if you're a runny yolk lover like myself? Eat em in a bowl so you can eat the yolk with a spoon- it's great! , took a nap, and then around 3pm we made a feast in the backyard. It was sunny out and my parents completely re-did the backyard and there's this big screened in patio out there. We set the table and sat in the perfectly warm and not too humid air, boiled up the lobsters, boiled up some of the best fresh Jersey corn ever, roasted red peppers on the bbq, and had ourselves a feast. And then had another impromptu evening dinner w/ wine and margaritas in my friend's Hoboken backyard. And there were cupcakes. Nuff said.


Input:

- There will be free drinks and music at the Deisel Denim Gallery in SoHo tonight from 7-9 at 68 Greene St.

- Kanye super cool West!

- Did you know that Jodie Foster is a lesbian icon? Just found that out today.

- Death Race 2005

Welcome to the busy and beautiful fall. And if I can't have summer, at least I've got Summer. Fuck yeah it's PUNTIME.

Season begins THIS THURSDAY.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

I've got contractions! (yay weekend)


Lookit, Skeet's got a nice warm scarf on! How nice!
Last night at a bar there was this guy I thought looked really super hot. I says to my friends, - hey, isn't that guy soooo hot? And they was like, - no, he looks trashy. Granted he did. He was with these guys who looked like Sopranos/construction worker/voted for Bush types if they voted at all. But I just wanted that fucker to pick me up in his muddy truck and be impressed with me that I graduated high school. You know, one of those guys who thinks you're "one of them fancy types" cause you live in Hoboken (for you city folk, suburban New Jerseyans have been known to say that . . .). So maybe I'm getting too into those comic book hero types- the simple man from a simple town who's so much more than that. Anyway . . . in walks my roommate, she says to me- man that guy is hot- and he sees her across the room and goes and buys her a drink. And then the other boys (friends) we were with went home, and it turned into a group of 4 girls. One girl says- "go over there and tell him something!", and I'm like- fuck no- you do not dare. Those fuckers can grow some balls and come over here and say something to our girl if he wants to. I mean please, we're not that damn easy that you can buy a cheap drink from across the bar and then we'll come running. No I don't think so. Buying a girl a drink is not a ticket for her to escort you all freakin evening. Anyway. From across the bar he looked like Skeet Ulrich. But when he stands up and comes over- finally- to talk to my lady friend in the light- he looks poopy. And then he writes his number on a napkin and gives it to her. Yeah right! Dude, we is fancy bitches, and we ain't gonna do that kind of leg work. I at least do not call. Guys are such pains in the asses. If they want to hang out, they've got to be the ones making the first call. I don't want to deal with the bullshit how many days to call what should I say crap nonsense at all. Too many fish in the sea to throw a line at some catch reeled in in a bar.

Looking forward to the new Fox line-up. Prison Break, Reunion, Head Cases, and the War at Home all seem like they could be good. Glad that they're finally putting out a ton of non-reality tv shows. I think we've reached a threshold as far as new reality shows. At least that fewer new ones will be successful. Just glad there's so many new shows on the agenda cause, well, I wanna write for tv shows. I got tickets to a screening of Head Cases and Reunion, not sure if I'll see it though cause it's only one day before it premieres, and that's not terribly special. I like special. That guy from Prison Break is really hot.

Arrest me and then send me to prison and then have it be in the prison in this tv show and have it be a co-ed prison and then have this fictional character save me from that prison and then we can make like we're making babies but I'll be on the pill cause I'm too young to have babies! Yeah!

About Katrina, I'm annoyed about that prayer thing, but otherwise, seeing the destruction is extremely sad stuff. But what I find most interesting is thinking about the struggle for individuals affected by it all. I don't like thinking about mass death and thousands of lives being destroyed. I like to think of each individual person and the difference in their struggles. The one person who gets picked up by a coast guard helicopter, some teenage kid in a split up family on some bus to Houston. I like to see when people try to help save just one life even when everything around them is turning to shit on such a widespread scale. I do think that things happen as they may, and quite seriously, some people just must die. But some people don't, and they do what they can. Yeah, this devastation is wide spread, but it's just a sign of how vulnerable our world of abstracts is. Markets, economies, and numbers are all abstract ideas we thought of, not tangible real things like apples or monkeys. The extent of destruction to an entire economy and city (New Orleans) seems so complex, but in the bigger picture of earth, it's just one place and one moment in time, one place just situated somewhere not suitable to withstand its natural environ. I don't know how ok things will be, or how bad this will be, or how well people will pick up. All I know is that the earth is still turning and people survive many days. Things will be ok simply because they exist. We will get past it because that's our only choice other than death. So long as there's no apocalypse, there's just going to be another day.

Have a great weekend everyone! I start mine tonight. Labor day labor day, we love labor!!!

this is a "water childbirth" according to the folks over at American Preggers