Thursday, October 13, 2005

A Basket of Hope for the Holidays

Did you know that I set foot in a synagogue yesterday? I did. For Yom Kippur. It's a fact. And it filled me with the silent intimidation that only gym class and religious worship can instill. Ah yes, two areas in my life where I have been weak. Athletic activity and participation in organized religion are two areas where I feel like a foreigner. But recently I got over the athletic thing- the fear lies in trying to seriously participate in an athletic activity when other people can see me- with the kickboxing. So I figured it would be cool to take in some organized religion as well. And it was just fine. Not that I'll ever be that kind of believer. These are essentially my religious beliefs. But much like working in gay p*rn and seeing the inside of a world that goes on day by day that wasn't within my consciousness before- people do all kinds of things that I never see in places of worship. I like reminding myself of the world outside of my own.

So anyway I am half Jewish by heredity. So I half fasted. I didn't eat after sundown last night. But I ate me some soup and nuts this morning. Yum! My god I am being boring. Dammit.

So instead I'll be hopeful. Like Sartre.
This is a picture of Jean-Paul Mad Dog Sartre. He loved pounding 40s and loved Japanese baseball players. I'm pretty sure that's what he was famous for anyway.

Back to being Hopeful. Let me say a something about the future. In the future baskets, wicker, Easter, Fruit, and otherwise, will become far more important.

Also, at this point in the game, I've learned a lot. If any of you decide to go back, or have already read the first few months of, you will see a sad, pathetic, desperate mess. I'd also add, an incomplete, struggling, empty, wretched little girl.

So about the future.

There's a lot of sad and miserable, hopeless people out there. I am a strong proponent of the power of human will. "Free" will is kind of what I am talking about but I'm entirely sure the extent to which I believe free will exists, but I know that the will does. And the sexiest part of the will is choice. There's at least some embodiment of the ability to choose in the human mind and it's really the main purpose of human existence- our distinguishing characteristic in comparison to all existence is the power to reason, and the next step as far as the practicality of reason lies in exercising choice/making decisions. And don't ever forget that you have that power.

Self-victimization is the laziest and most pathetic thing you can do. Losing hope and giving up and pitying yourself is indulgent. It has is value as a temporary therapeutic tool. If you are prone to always be in control and powerful within your own sphere- feeling victimized and weak and wallowing in all the sadness you can is extremely cathartic and helpful. But of course this is no way to live and when it overshadows your hope to choose to live differently- so much so that you feel you can't choose a better way to be alive.

That said- I have never hated my self and life moreso than last winter. And I'm about to say something that embarrasses me. Every morning when I woke up from about August- December 2004, I wished that I was dead. I would search on the internet about suicide, learning that people often seek it when they feel that their pain outweighs their ability to cope with that pain. Very insightful. I was sad and hopeless in so many ways. I was faced with the quarter-life crisis and despair of not knowing what to do with my life, and feeling so disconnected from any possible way to achieve my dreams, and I lost what I thought was the greatest love of my life- and was so heartbroken that I thought I would never be able to love or be loved again.

So yes, last year, about this time, I had to abruptly face that the life choice, years in the making- going to law school as a stepping stone to being a Congresswoman or whatever, was not happening. And my other dream, being a comedy writer, was too unattainable at the time. I was overwhelmed. Some tiny thing inside what felt like a dead shell of a person was fluttering with a little light- but it had no idea where to fly and where it wanted to go. All roads seemed vague. You cannot attack without a target.

And I'm not going to go over the events that took place between then and now. But all I am saying is that I was there. I would open my eyes, alone in a queen bed, which seemed like a vast oasis of open space, missing what I had, incapable of envisioning a hopeful future. Aware of the pain and failures of the world around me, thinking I'd rather not bother with all of it, as it seemed like a whole lot of bullshit. It seemed like I could release it all in one swift blow if I could just die. Yeah that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I wanted to. I could say how I thought of carrying it out and why I didn't do it, but it's kind of off topic.

So I was there.
But now I'm here.

Here I am free. I am confident. I am happy. I am content. I am fulfilled but still hungry. And I did it my way.

Tyler Durden taught us that it's not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.

Here I am now. Only 24. I love my friends, I do not feel alone. I love my job, I am finally applying my mind in a new and interesting way. I love my social life, and where and how I live. I am writing comedy and sharing it in various ways. I was able to do stand up. I was able to assert independence from my parents while at the same time maintaining a loving relationship with them. I feel good about my body and appearance, which I reclaimed from the freshman, sophomore, junior, senior and 1L "fifteen". And I am involved in a caring, intimate and positive relationship. I feel that the sky's the limit given what I've got on the table.

And so I offer you a simple fact. A year ago I felt so horrible that waking up was the most painful thing I faced every day. And now, I just never want the day or night to end.

Things change.


*christina* said...

With out change, there is no growth. That was once said by my first inspiration.

On top of that cherry, let's talk about relationships shall we because they can be a funny thing.

Relationships (of any kind) - They are your best teachers. It takes some longer than other's to realize.. You make the choices. You make your very own life experiences.

Once this start's to make sense you know you've come a long way.

voxul said...

Does this mean you going to get Mary-ed?

The Beatles-"Let It Be"

What I believe about most good religions is that the bad apples mars the names of most religions. But again bad apples can claim their own religion as well I suppose?

Heather said...

I am not getting married.

Andrew said...

Welcome to the life-Zimmerman said it best "When you ain't got nothin', you got nothin' to lose". My opinion, nihilism is only another state of mind, as is spiritual mythology and all other 'closed systems'. Open systems require huge bravery and the journey is long.

nika said...

justin mentioned your october 13 blog today.... i just read it and i think it's brilliant.... i am a fan

Heather said...

Nika! Good to hear from you, you Czech Siren! Thanks and I hope you are enjoying SD :)