Wednesday, November 30, 2005

jaw-dropping moments of whimsy run amok

Crap- it's a musical.
Every morning I see a commercial for the broadway musical "In My Life" and this critic says it has jaw-dropping moments of whimsy run amok. That doesn't sound like the kind of moments I'd be fuckin comfortable with. I looked up this movie, and here's what other reviewers had to say:
"Boy meets girl; boy gets brain tumor; boy's dead sister intervenes with God, while angels roam around a big room filled with silver filing cabinets (that's heaven) and occasionally put on lavish period costumes to perform mock operas."- Ben Brantley of The New York Times

"In My Life is awful, but as disasters go, it's minor league"- Howard Kissel of The New York Daily News

"Long before a giant lemon (not kidding!) descends to dominate the stage in the final song, the suspicion arises that this might be an elaborate joke… But no such trickery seems intended…" -David Rooney of Variety

"It's more fun to talk about In My Life, the bizarre new musical at Broadway's Music Box Theatre, than actually sit through it."- Michael Kuchwara of The Associated Press

I agree with Mr Kuchwara, it is fun to talk about this musical. But being how I don't like musicals much as it is, (Les Mis for example, has many guns, little shooting, too much crying) I will not be seeing "In My Life". Click here to read more hilarious reviews.

The frumious Bandersnatch!

I am often emailing myself from my home email to my work email. Today I sent myself this link: Jabberwocky
Last night I was sitting in bed and the phrase "Twas brillig, and the slithy toves" popped into my head. I was trying to remember where that was from. Then I thought about the movie Alice and the Looking Glass. Man that was great. Alice in Wonderland is my favorite Disney movie. Really crazy stuff in that one. And the dancing oysters always make me hungry. Anyhow I am pretty sure I memorized that poem as a child in school. What a great one, with such words as "vorpal sword" and "manxome foe". Another awesome poem I memorized in high school, also read by Mr. Bean in 4 Weddings and a Funeral:
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone
It's a nice poem when you'd like to feel tragic or pout.


I saw the movie The Upside of Anger this weekend. First thing to say about this movie- Excellent rental choice. Good for all ages, varied tastes. I could imagine watching it with any mix of friends and family, which I can rarely say. It's a great movie. Great mix of drama and comedy. Artfully acted by a great ensemble cast, and it's even got a twist. Joan Allen and Kevin Costner are so outstanding- I see both performances as one of those obscure possibilities for some kind of nomination. Very well written and well directed. I really liked the lighting too. They used a lot of sun. Man oh man that Joan Allen- have you seen The Contender? You really should.

Bodies, The Exhibition. Looks cool.
Ex Machina movie gets an imdb page, legitimacy- yes! Which reminds me that Aeon Flux is coming out this weekend. They better not ruin that for me. Damned hollywood. It looks cool in commercials but it lacks the erotic, sharp style of the animated Aeon. Trevor too- doesn't look anything like the character.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Chocolate Lies and Other Stories

My parents are without a doubt the most disobedient people. The most notable element of my Thanksgiving was when the terrorists won, via taking advantage of my parents' weakness- disobedience- doing things their own way- not following directions terribly well. I am no dumb cookie. I know a terrorist act when I see one. So the woolens were not pulled over my eyes as my family tried to enjoy an innocent new purchase this holiday weekend. The chocolate fountain. I know what you are thinking-
"oh nice! happy fountain of chocolate! yay I am looking forward to sticking things in there!"

And while my office hasn't attempted to make use of this tempting invention, my parents innocently purchased the chocolate fountain in a well meaning attempt at filling all of our lives with more animated liquid chocolate than was previously in our lives. Perhaps my parents, disobedient as they are, did not follow the proper recipe for making fountain worthy chocolate, but I suspect otherwise. The machine did not warm the chocolate enough to make it very liquidy. It was much more like plops. The unpleasantness of it all- what with such grand expectations and excitement for what was supposed to be a pleasant evening of dipping and coating, was surrounded by bitter remarks and general grumpiness. There were also excited, very messy children.

Now my family handled this with general disappointment and some "ew, gross' and a little bit of "you're doing it wrong!" But I couldn't help but think about all of the other families out there with less fortunate attitudes. The ones undoubtedly screaming, children crying, with chocolate all over treasured carpets and party dresses. It's unfortunate, but obvious, yes yes, the terrorists tried their damnedest to mess things up again. But we are wise to it, and we Finks don't let anyone drag us down. When recognizing that you have been foiled, it's best to keep in the best spirits possible, and meet adversity with a smile. But by all means, do not let this evil invention into your home.

No one is immune from the joys of posing with the famous.

So I was at this party on Wednesday night that had a high per capita concentration of celebrities. And I see Heather Graham, and I am kinda drunk, and I ask her if I can take a picture with her. And she's kinda like falling over drunk and says "nah". I always feel so stupid asking celebrities if I can take a picture with them. But I've got quite a cool collection of pictures with the famous from the past few years, and though I've always felt so stupid asking, I've always been pretty happy with the results.

Why? Why do I care about these kinds of things? I've had friends tell me, "eh, I don't care much about celebrities or hangin with them." Because in places like New York City, it's not all that odd to see or spend time with some reknown individual. It is actually something that we city folk have grown accustomed to. Now I don't know if they are being snobby, pretending that they don't care and are cooler than the famous people. Or maybe I am the snobby one with occasional bragging rights. But I know why I like it. It's that Forest Gump effect. The story of a life woven in with so many universally interesting moments. Celebrities, historical figures, icons of pop culture- these people shape our society. They make history. They impact and influence our daily lives. And many of them got there for being really great or outstanding in some way. We watch shows about them and our sense of fashion is changed by them. And historical figures, well, they're colossal in their own sense. To be able to look at my life and say, hey, I had this moment with this great person- just makes me smile. To share the earth with great and talented people. Or just newsworthy. I've got a pretty funny picture with the nasty Donald Trump.

I respect the best of the best. But more than that, and above all else- these silly encounters and pictures make great stories. Stories are great. Stories last. I get excited at the thought of having kids and telling them some day about that time that mommy shared a plane ride with President Clinton, a man who'll just be in their history books. When my dad tells me his stories of when he used to know Jackie Kennedy as a kid, or Steve Forbes in the army, or Harley Davidson Jr in college, it's just mesmerizing. Pop culture is just great. It's like- look at what we people have come up with! Great stories. Stories are something we all treasure, what's got me thinking about that is this great play I saw last night
"Walking in Memphis, The Life of a Southern Jew" written and starring Jonathan Adam Ross, or JAR.

The greatest thing I got from JAR's play was a renewed sense of just how wonderful our stories are. Everybody has theirs. Every family has their stories that have been told over and over again. And he has made a play about his. Now at first I asked myself, is this guy really doing something any of us could do? Just telling our great stories we treasure- the ones shared at dinner tables over and over again? Yes, he is- but in "Walking in Memphis" he actually pays the stories the careful attention they so rarely receive. Our stories are glorious, and here he is, sharing them with his obviously well instructed gestures and intonations. Every time he imitates another person in a story, he really acts them- becomes the character, effectively taking you to his moment and his memory in his mind far more vividly than your dinner table fare. It was disconcerting to learn that some of his stories weren't entirely true- but he addresses this to the audience saying that he's aware of it and he "doesn't give a shit". Good stories are embellished and changed over time, and I guess it's what makes fairy tales magic. Though for the gullible folk like me, it always makes me sad to find out things aren't true.

Performing Stand-up at Variety Underground again-
This Thursday.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005


Why do people eat dinner so early on holidays? Why won't they call it lunch? Cause they are afraid it doesn't sound as fancy? Why do we lie to ourselves so bad sometimes? Because the true truth hurts.

It makes me so happy that the pilgrims and the indians had a nice dinner together and they each cooked a big meal and gave thanks for all kinds of stuff. Did you ever kill an indian? Isn't it funny how ethnic people eat such weird foods? It's pretty cool to kill ethnic people. Especially as a white woman. White women make great killers and I feel they are an under represented social group in killings. I wish I could find an indian to kill to make tomorrow more festive. I know some people who have some small percentage in em, like this one guy who is like 15% cherokee blood. But then I would feel 85% bad about killing that man. Oh what to do what to do . . .

I am making comedy tonight again. That's my way of doing something for my country and against the terrorists. What have YOOOO done to fight the terror today? I believe in America. I am so excited about being American! Every day I look in the mirror, stretch, glance at my lean white skin as it hugs my meaty curves, and think, good god- you have a stomach and a torso too- and you're an American! Yep every morning, I rise and shine to the American flag I have waving above my bed and when I sit up on the edge of thee bed I take crayons to the wood floors and scratch the words "America America Eat My Ass If You're Not America" and then with marker I draw Uncle Sam all over my legs and one quick marker etching of male genitals on my back. I am proud to be an American. And I want to keep this America love in mind as I celebrate this wonderful thanksgiving and think about the beginnings of this great nation.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Yay P*rn

Today's another one of those busy days. A certain gay celebrity is directing a scene for one of our lovely movies today while a certain reporter for a certain prominent newspaper observes. The office is chaotic with stars, stylist, makeup artists and the daily grind. A well liked co-worker's desk is now empty. The mood is mixed. And I'm nervous about tomorrow's show. I want to be good. This will be new. The last time I performed at UCB, it was located in a different theatre, and I was doing improv. My parent's birthday is coming up (same day). So is Christmas. So is the end of the year. What am I going to eat for dinner? One p*rn star turned chef brought me some homemade cookie dough. The other showed me his drawings, some amazing comic book style etchings. I'm eating chocolates from Barcelona in crazy flavors like curry and they're almost the best I've ever tasted, aside from these ones I had in Brussels. The weather is so cold it burns my pantyhosed legs when they get rained on. I'm wearing an unusual raw silk sweater that I bought from Daffy's in Eighth grade and used to get made fun of for, but it's pretty great. I never wrote about how much I loved "Preacher" when I finished it. Too good for words. I've started reading Fables. Snow White is fucking nuts. Good nuts. Did you know that at Bonobos, a raw food restaurant on 23rd street, a popular menu item is the Nut Meat? Nut meat salad. I prefer the one with the arugula. I wish I woke up early enough on a Saturday to go to Union Square's market and buy fresh arugula. Fuck it, I can just just go to a restaurant. Do I have any money left in my checking account? Boy I am I glad I switched to Commerce Bank, those Bank of America fuckers are fuckers. Am I eating wings tonight? The girls are eating wings. Why can't I eat those without getting sauce on my face. What's wrong with the human mouth? It should be more precise.

and in the news:
Teacher S*x
Of course she's not going to jail- that shit is way hot! Man oh man where are all the 14 year old boys when you need em? Not at the schoolhouse on 24th street.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Walk the Line + Closer Reviews

I saw two movies this weekend- both supposed to be really good, both not bad, but disappointing.

Walk The Line

This is a boring, long movie, but I do think it's worth seeing and I really like what Witherspoon and Phoenix did. The performances, the music, and the acting are fantastic. The story is not. Johnny Cash is an extremely interesting person and the story gives you very little insight on him as a man. There's some moving moments, but there's very little movement in the piece. One day you see him singing some of his cool ass lyrics, and you're hoping that the movie will give you a taste of where this comes from, but it hardly does. Just all the sudden he's making music. The movie really just focuses on Johnny and June and what went on between them. But it really doesn't go deeply enough into their stories to be compelling. It's well made, but the story does shit compared to its potential. All I am left with is this feeling that I still know nothing about Cash and Carter. It's just a bunch of things that happened. It did make me more interested in their biographies though.

The real Cash and Carter

Mark Romanek's Hurt Video by Johnny Cash


Finally saw this. Also not compelling. It's like- ok- there's all this shitty breaking up and cheating and all, but I don't really care because the story hasn't made me care about the characters or their relationship. Jude Law's character was never attractive, sexy, or charming, like it should have been. Natalie Portman's character wasn't as powerful as it should have been. Julia Roberts impressed me most. The scene where she and Clive argue in the house is the best in the movie I think. Some others stand out too, like Clive at the nudie bar in the lil room with Natalie. It's not a bad movie. It's well done, interesting. I just don't think it really goes as deeply as I wanted it to. Someone told me it just hurts to watch. But I didn't care about these people. I found my own personal shit more dramatic than all this- and I expect my movies to be more dramatic. None of these relationships seemed worth saving or caring about. I just wished these idiot characters would get out to a bar or take up a hobby and meet new people.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Stick it to the Man! The Man is a Jerk.

So another night of standup. That would make it my 5th time, not counting a recent "preview" at a dinner table a few days ago. At this moment, it feels like more than 5 times, so perhaps that means I am getting more comfortable with the whole thing. I'm glad I didn't chicken out the other times cause I almost always felt like I wasn't ready for it. But now I enjoy it, which is a good thing. This time the show was short and small, only 4 standups. So I did a little longer act, but the audience was really small too, which makes for less energy in the room. I really like to feed off audience energy, so I am really looking forward to some larger audiences, like the one that should be there this Wednesday.

Did I forget to mention? Next Wednesday I will be performing at the UCB Theatre!
Wednesday 11/23 @ 11pm.
The Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre
307 West 26th Street, corner of 8th Ave.
It's a FREE show so there is no need for reservations.
So tell your peeps that they can just show up and grab a seat.
Plus there is no drink minimum at the bar.
I will be part of a line-up that also includes the UCB house improv
team "Killebrew" and the sketch comedy team of "Chuck D & Jawnee".
I recommend coming to this show early, as shows at this theatre usually have a line, fill up quickly, and sell out. And I'm first billed so I imagine I might be opening. Come on time!

Anyhow, back to the show last night. There were 2 different things that made last night extra special.
1- I had my camera and recorded it. So I got to watch myself to standup for the first time.
Verdict- Too many nervous laughs. I think I need to cut that out. One problem is that I tell jokes I really enjoy telling, and I know the moments where my friends have laughed, so when I get to certain points I have a hard time not giggling. But I try, cause I think that can ruin a joke.
2- I tried new material with more substance. The kind of bit where I actually speak from my heart and in my joking, I reveal political views or ideas that I am passionate about that also have a jokey punchline to it. Now this is the direction I've been wanting to go with all of the comedy in the first place. I want to be that kind of comedian who has something to say. Well it went well enough that the joke worked. But I've never been so terrified on stage before. Because the things that I was saying could be so patently offensive, but moreso that I was revealing these personal things I felt strongly about. It was scary just putting that out there. And also having that control on stage where everyone was listening to every word, and having this fear that in the end they would just be mortified and there would be no laughter and then I'd feel really stupid. Anyhow, that was a happy first time. I will be taking this direction with my material much more. And I look forward to doing this material on Wednesday.

Moving along, check out this cool music video:
It was directed by the editor at Nylon magazine- a really gorgeous cool mag that is targeted at women but has a lot of stuff men would enjoy too. It's from Eisley, called "I Wasn't Prepared". The girls voices remind me a lot of Tanya Donnelly of Breeders and Belly. But the sound of the sound is a lot sweeter, smokier, and bluesier like a soprano Fiona Apple. Brooding and high pitched doesn't usually mix, but I think these chicks have a little of that with their sweetness.

In the news: Elementary School Principle is a dickhead. See this is the shit I am talking about that made me disrespect authority from a young age. Yes, I was always a rabblerouser. But I was a well-meaning, happy little girl, and fairly sweet too. But I was always mischeivous. Always very much wanting to make jokes and goof off. And some teachers freakin HATED me. And some picked me out so hardcore I was totally fucked with. They helped give me a thick skin, and while many of you out there don't have problems with authority, I'd noticed quite young that adults can me more immature than me. Examples: In 5th grade I was the only disobedient (meaning a harmless jokester, never mean spirited or actually damaging or ruining stuff- more like talking out of turn and making jokes, often dirty and innapropriate) kid cause it was the Gifted and Talented class and all those kids were good kids. So the teacher sat me in a chair in the center of a classroom while the whole class sat in a circle around me. The topic of discussion was "Why is Heather so bad?" Answers included "Heather sells candy at school" and "Heather drew pictures of trolls having sex" and etc. Or the first day of school in the 6th grade when the teacher saw my nametag and in front of the class Mrs. Appelbaum said, "Oh, Heather Fink. I was told about you. You won't be getting away with any of your nonsense in this classroom this year." The first day of school! I cried. Jerks. I don't trust authority and I never will! Dammit let's talk about something else.

This Sunday:
Turkey Hunt NYC

All city scavenger hunt. Everyone is welcome to attend: There are
several requirements for participation. Every team must have a
digital camera or camera phone (you will be taking a lot of pictures
so come prepared). You must bring some sort of bag to carry items you
have collected. Transportation is up to you. You can bring your bike,
skateboard, unicycle, car, or unlimited train pass. You must have
fun. This is a city-wide scavenger hunt so plan to be moving around.
Teams of three.

South End of Union Square
14th Street and Broadway, Manhattan
Noon; $5 entry fee per person.

Isla Fisher and Sacha Baron Cohen are boyfriend girlfriend. Engaged in fact. THAT's SOOO COOL!
The crazy chick from the Wedding Crashers, and Ali G. I mean she is so likable, so funny and made an otherwise totally crap movie totally funny. And Ali G? Come on! He's like above and beyond my most desired celebrity crush, well at least at Trent Reznor level. And the actors I have crushes on don't compare- cause who really wants to marry an actor? Not that I'm discriminating Peter Krause and Ron Livingston, you can call me anything anytime. Ah I get so distracted in these thoughts. Where was I? Ah yes, Isla and Sacha. What a freakin cool couple! I'm like so jealous, those two are so awesome, and such great looking people too. They must be the funnest ever to hang out with. Man o man some people have it good. I have a dream that some day they will come to my birthday party.

Get me a birthday present you guys! I like ice creams and running shorts. Write it down, you'll forget!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport

I want more positivity in here!
It's time to flush out the pervy vibes!

Face squeezing! No way, that's no good. Face squeezing is pervy too. Let's try again.

Hmm something's not right about these bunnies. I have a sneaking suspicition that none of them can operate a motor vehicle. All is still not well.

Ahhhh. Bunnies the way they ought to be. That's better.

By the way I updated my SoHo Shopping Guide again- if you love NYC, you'll love H Fink's SoHo Guide. If you hate NYC, you'll love my friend Ronald's mom. Ronald's mom Vanessa likes stuff that comes in cartons but damns them for their difficult to open nature on account of her weak hands. She is nothing like NYC at all.

Borat is getting bullied by a country.
Kazakhstan's Foreign Ministry threatened legal action Monday against a British comedian who wins laughs by portraying the central Asian state as a country populated by drunks who enjoy cow-punching as a sport.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Look at me I'm on the internet!

It seems my mysterious little volunteer Publicist is up to his shennanigans again. It's kind of funny cause I get mad hits on my website from the this. And it seems kind of mean but the only thing he's doing is getting me more readers. Ah well. I guess it just means that a lot of people read Craigslist every day. And to answer his question, I suppose Heather Fink is a slut. A slut for camcorders! Check out what I did last night:
(so hotttt! so slutty! tee hee)

Last night I bought a Sony DCR-HC21. It's a great little bitty Mini-DV camcorder that costs about 300 bucks! Can you believe it- camcorders are so cheap these days. Goodbye old 90s Digital Hi-8 camcorder- hello camcorder that fits in my purse! So cool. Now I can record shows and shoot more comedy videos. I don't give a poo about the non-professional video quality so long as it's got CONTENT. I love content. And I have this great vintage plastic purse from my grandmother that's going make a super cute protective little camera bag.

Did I mention that I really wanna see Walk The Line and Zathura and the new Harry Potter movie? It's true.

This actually happened in real life:
A miniature robot released by a Japanese space probe to a small asteroid circling the sun was lost before it was able to land on the asteroid's surface, the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency (JAXA) said on Sunday.
Minerva, a can-shaped "baby" robot 10 centimeters (3.9 inches) long, had been designed to gather information on the Itokawa asteroid as part of a rehearsal ahead of the unmanned Hayabusa probe's own landing on the asteroid Itokawa, scheduled for November 19.

It's really fun to read the paragraph above out loud and with great emphasis and yelling while saying the words. Go ahead- imagine it in your mind. It's nice.
Japanese robot lost in asteroid mission.
A moment of silence please for our fallen hero.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Fair or not, Arnold always has the best guns.

Shotguns are so funny.

I have a dream, that one day I can walk down the streets of New York, blasting pigeons with a shotgun.

Gatling Guns are so great. I have a dream that one day all children- rich and poor, big and small, retarded and not retarded, armed and armless- can each have a gatling gun of their own in their home.

I have a dream, that one day a big pony will give me a pile of 100,000 US dollars cash in a sleek leather briefcase that will match my shoes and have pom poms similar to the ones on pom pom socks glued all over the outside of it.

Speaking of guns, did you know that the volley gun is suitable for close-range defense against missiles, aircraft and small boats?

If only I could make the claim
"Welcome to the internet's oldest flattop haircut site.

This is a good website to go to if you have a lot of money and want to buy your way into high society. It lists all the charities and galas that people pay lots of money to attend. So there's a bunch of people out there who actually shell out a ton of money to see and be seen.

Here's pictures from Friday's event that I attended. I don't think anybody paid to be there. It was free to invitees. Free snacks too!

Ok, peace on earth. Violence is bad. Don't shoot stuff if it isn't going to be funny.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

New night of Stand-Up

This Thursday

Me, here:
November 17
@the Parkside Lounge
317 E. Houston St.
F/V to 2nd Avenue
Free admission - 2 drink minimum
Lower East Side, NYC

Friday, November 11, 2005

Dear heather,

I would like to see more pictures on this website.


Dear Christy,

I would love to give you more images, but with the meager supplies I have in my cupboard and but a small few primative tools I have laying about the shed,
the following photos of:
Trent Reznor
The Puppy of Impending Doom
and Spoons
were all I could suffice that would even nearly pass muster.



Apologies for any inconvience the picture shortage may have caused you. Please be advised systems have been modified per addendumnages.

PS- Richard gave me a peice of pizza and it was really delicious.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Sarah Silverman: like Jesus, only Female, American, and less bleedy in the hands

And by the way, Jesus is Magic
says her new film
called, um, "Jesus is Magic."

I first saw Sarah Silverman live in Stella in the late 90s when I realized she was my living idol.
I was stunned.
Are people really laughing at a beautiful woman's jokes?
Are people applauding her?
Is this woman really, truly funny- forget that she's a smokin hot chick?
yes yes yes

Not funny for a girl, not butchy or dikey, this female commedian is attractive! And people weren't threatened by the lethal combo of female sexiness and being funny as hell. They liked it. They wanted more. Sure there's been Lucille Balls and Carol Burnetts. But Sarah Silverman is the first woman in my generation and style of comedians who is both pretty and successful.

Growing up with the echos of "girls aren't funny" and "you're weird" I finally felt validated watching her. A woman with a mouth as foul as mine, legitimized by her truly funny jokes. She's not the most famous comedian out there, but she's gone pretty damn far. And she's just plain good. My man loves and connects with his Bill Hicks, but I've got my Sarah Silverman, and she just made a movie.

That's what I am here to talk about right? Her new movie "Jesus is Magic", premiered at Tribecca Grand on Tuesday night in an event hosted by Fader magazine.

Two main points about the movie-
1) It inspired me and pumped me up. I wrote a bunch of standup material after watching it.
2) It was a little disappointing, but she delivered a consistently great and entertaining performance.

So the movie starts out with a really smart and entertaining scene. And you think it's going to be more of a movie than what it really is, which is a Sarah Silverman PR vehicle and a showcase of her standup comedy- specifically her comedy that deals with offensiveness. She drives the offensive factor to such a specific and intense level that it becomes a very purposeful commentary on all angles of offense. You think about stereotypes, political correctness, attitudes and relationships that people have towards the basic idea of being offended. After all, Sarah claims to give you "Learn-edy" rather than just comedy.

Her striking sense of self-awareness characterizes her stage disposition- and the result is alarmingly powerful. She knows she's attractive too, completely stripping the power from any man to make you feel one way or the other about yourself based on his statements about your looks.

The problem is that at some point everyone, including me, will find her schtick tiresome. If it weren't for the fact that each joke was a wholly clever play on the way that people generalize and react to ideas about social identity- the audience might give up halfway through the show. Her subject material is the very same kind of thing you're hearing at hundreds of depressing open mikes on every night of the week in America, only it's different. I have seen her do standup before and it wasn't all pushing the vulgar, offensive and obscene. But she is good at it, and filling an entire movie with that kind of material seems to make a point at the end. But it's always problematic when you see greater potential in material than what you are given. She should have gone more places and done more scenes. To weave standup into a movie is one thing, but to weave a movie into standup is another.

That said, at no point did I nod off or become bored. This is entertaining and very strong material- and yes she does get away with it. "Jesus is Magic" has a lot to offer- especially those outside of LA and NYC who might never have the chance to see her live. And looking at the male dominated state of comedy, they wouldn't likely see her in such a spotlight on TV or in movies without her taking on a project like this. This should open the door for her career a little wider.

Go Democrats

iBods in Time Out NY quotes my alter ego, Ms Reznor. (worksafe)

And I got an Amex card yesterday. Boy oh boy I am a grown up now! Better go check on my mutual bond investment funds!

PS- I actually wrote this whole thing yesterday and the freakin computer froze and I lost most of it. Don't worry, I punched the computer good and hard. You can't let that techno-scum get away with shit like that.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Craigs List

Ok, so some crazy, very likely the same crazy as the guy below, posted stuff about me all over Craigs List. While I doubt my readers are stupid enough to believe it- it's just nonsense. And I am way too freakin busy at work today to post on Craigs list at all. ANYTHING you see on that site is NOT written by me.

We live in a world where some men are enraged by confident, happy, and independent women. But I will never ever change my behavior out of fear.

All my life I have angered men by being outspoken. And with each psychotic rant littered with objectifying sexual slander, I am only more motivated to keep up the good work.

You don't like my website? Don't fucking read it. It's just a blog.

PS- Speaking of outspoken women- Check out Sarah Silverman's Jesus Is Magic in Williamsburg tomorrow at Galapagos Art Space! I may be seeing it tonight, so perhaps a review will be here tomorrow as well. She's sooo my hero!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Leave me alone!

Aw yeah I gone done quote Michael Jackson. Things are gettin good.

So you may have noticed the following new things on my site:
Reminder: There is a difference between meeting someone in life vs reading their blog. I do not meet in person with people I do not know.
AIM: available by request

These changes were made because I've been getting a lot of unbelievable IMs and emails lately. They've been around since I started having this site, but with increased exposure comes increased attention, fans, and haters alike.
And I never post them, no matter how hilarious or absurd because I am afraid that they are psychos and I don't really want to have psychos bothering me. But this one, I just could not avoid. The final email was just the freakin icing on the cake. And to think I thought the funniest part was going to be the fact that he's a lawyer.

> I saw your stuff, and while its bordeline clever,
> you need some real cock stuffed into that tight
> litle package that is you. stop hanging out with all
> those closet fags. Your man,
> W

Heather Fink wrote: Hey buddy, fuck you.

that is my sole objective, to fuck you. youre quite lovely and Im smitten. keep the mind open, baby. cmon...I dont give up that easily.

Heather Fink wrote: I have a boyfriend, and I am not interested in strangers, especially ones who talk to me like that.
Give up now, it will never ever happen.

well, you dont exactly project the most demure image on the net (breat smells like dick, or something like that). sorry. let me buy you a drink. I think youll be pleased.

Heather Fink wrote: No. That's a really stupid idea. I am not interested and I am not available, and it's stupid for a woman to meet up with some stranger from the internet.
I am not interested because yes I get this shit sent to me all the time, if you'd like to sit down and read the near 100 other emails men have sent me just like this, I'll forward some to you.
I am also not interested because I have a boyfriend who satisfies me.
I am also not interested because I find the way you contacted me really unattractive.
And you use the term "fags" in a degrading way.
I have plenty of men of my choosing and I am not looking. I am not available, you don't know me, and I don't appreciate the way you speak to me. I use foul language in joking, not when addressing people I don't even know. Just because I can make you laugh or "borderline" make you laugh, doesn't mean you have the right to request anything else of me.

Heather, youre not being fair. I got caught up in the whole anonymous internet thing and didnt think youd take offense to a word as benign as fag. Not to dwell on negatives, all Im angling at is that you agree to meet me. I respect the sanctity of relationships, but what I am proposing (initiallly) is totally innocent. The boyfriend must realize that you meet hundreds of men in the course of your daily life. I am 40, so that in itself may be incentive enought to get to know soemone outside your normal social sphere. Theres life beyond the porn sofa, heath. cmon!

I never meet people who contact me in this way. It says it on my site. Sorry. I get emails like this constantly. No.

You probably dont. Here's my last attempt to bring you around: I see you bailed on law school, and I want to try to convince you to go back. I am an attorney in private practice, and will give you an hour (or two) of free legal / career advice over martinis at the Harvard Club.
What do you say?
(PS My name's not willie c.)

You're an attorney? How am I not surprised.
Might I refer you to this entry:

Answer is still no. I don't like that the internet has replaced the intimacy of chance and fate in this world. The net is far too accessible to be chocked up to anything meaningful.

hahahaa! Im not 30something. Im 40something! Ive got lots of women of all ages clamoring over me too. cant say I didnt give you a shot. see you, heather.

this time I do not respond, yet I see this email sent hours later

oh, and good luck with your carrie bradshaw/sex and the city wannabe act. Its tired, but you pull it off pretty well. heres a pic of my 25 year old girlfriend. the one who broke up with me because I wouldnt marry her. eat your heart out, nibbles.
And then he ended the email by attaching a picture of a woman's breasts. Not a picture of his totally awesome self mind you, no. Of a woman's breasts.

Well now I have great regret to deal with. I missed out on a once in a lifetime chance. Now I must cry.

Moving along, can I please say that yeah I happen to be busy. I am not better or cooler than many of you folks out there- but I am trying to balance having an increasingly demanding job, kickboxing, a new relationship, my social life, family and my comedy thang. I don't really understand why some people email or IM me personal questions. Anything I really want to tell to people I don't know, I will tell on my site. Yet I have also gotten some really cool emails from people and had some really cool people IM me because of the site. So anyway all I am saying is just to anyone I don't know- please understand if I don't really want to answer question after question about my personal life. There's really nothing enjoyable about doing that.
From this article.
Out of the blue, Phoenix suddenly changed the subject, asking, "Do I have a large frog in my hair?"

Reporter: No, no.

Phoenix: "Something's crawling out of my scalp."

Reporter: No, you look great.

Phoenix: "No, but I feel it. I'm not worried about the looks. I'm worried about the sensation of my brain being eaten. ... What did you ask me?"

Phoenix then turned away to whisper to his publicist, who smiled broadly and laughed with the actor. It appeared Phoenix was just messing with the reporter, only to return to the interview line, smile, reach out and briefly, gently massage his earlobe. A wave of laughs erupted from many of those within earshot.

Finally, beyond the complaining, I love having this site. I realize that I "ask for it" and "invite it" by having it. But do you really think that's why I do it? Oh well, anything this enjoyable comes with its price. I just hope that it stays worth it. I love having a place to say anything and knowing that people will actually hear it if they elect to. That instead of just telling people stuff, they can pick and choose what they want to hear. And that I can get a whole lot out there. It's totally theraputic. And I love making jokes. And I really don't think that all the pervert freakjobs in the world should stop one girl who has some confidence from being confident in herself and her words. Take back the night bitches! and I'm Rick James bitch!

Hungry Monday

Not to be confused with hungry toushies, which apparently is a big draw in the dude on dude biz. I HATE the word toushie by the way, it reminds me of people who have babies and like church.

"Tiene mucho hambre in mi estomago
It hurts me it hurts me
I dunno why but my tummy hurts me
and I feel hungry but I don't know what I want to eat"
- Timmy Van Patten, 12, Motherless Child

See, I was just feeling really hungry and my stomach hurt so I typed the words above so that I could express my feelings with you. Then I realized they would be far more precious, albeit, priceless, coming from a child who has no mother. What's especially funny about this supposed child is his stupid name. Timmy is undoubtedly weak. And the fact that he is saying how hungry he is and that his tummy hurts, for a child in his situation, is likely because he is starving or malnourished. I can't escape the seething hilarity of the whole situation. Just kidding, donate money to starving kids:
The preceding has been an advertisement for feeding starving kids.

Open mike nights: I am going to try to do some more of those. The only bitch about that is that the good places are often by lottery so you are not guaranteed a timeslot. Dammit. I think I am going to do this Sunday night at Mo Pitkens. If you like to watch me make comedy, then you'll surely like: "Heather Fink sits around at an open mike night nervously hoping that she gets randomly selected to go up on stage on a Sunday."

Friday, November 04, 2005

Nine Inch Nails show, Nov 3 2005 at Madison Square Garden

So I fulfilled a decade long dream last night by finally seeing Trent Reznor perform live in Nine Inch Nails. I discovered and fell in love with his music about 11 years ago and remember how awestruck I was watching Trent perform at Woodstock 94, let alone in his videos. This man is the pure physical embodiment of testosterone with an artistic and intelligent mind.

First of all- I love NIN so much because I think Reznor's music is perfect. Perfect perfect perfect. I am most impressed by the composition. The way that the sounds are arranged and the keys, the way that notes are paired. He is so manipulative with sound. He masterfully rips sounds out of the air and moves them around. It reminds me of Johnny Depp's acting a little bit- both exercise such control over their medium. And his lyrics are totally from the gut and heart. It's just a total package- the sound is completely unique as Reznor is always experimenting with different instruments and electronics, and it's just so touching, moving, on both basic and complex levels. His music offers me everything I want in a song. Even the albums, artwork and videos, are all carefully and tastefully executed.

Calculated animalism- that's how I'd characterize Trent's vocals. He is so intense. There is no way a performance like his can be chocked up to simple showmanship. The man has so much heart and such raw guts on stage. His voice sounds as flawless as it does on the albums. It's powerful and it permeates the entire stadium.

And the man himself- Trent Reznor is 40 years old! And yet he is such a freakin rockstar. You just look at his life and career and it's amazing. This man is an icon of a time of guitar bashing and that whole alternative/industrial movement in the early 90s. He's embraced kink, sexuality, fetish, disturbing imagery- and now you see him here as this adult. He is older now with a more ordinary look- shaved head, black tshirt. But he's still got some rockstar leather pants on and this incredible body. I don't know if I've ever seen such powerful arms. He moves on stage with so much energy- jumping and writhing about to each song. I am grateful that he gives so much to a show.

(a pre-haircut picture, but I believe it demonstrates the body)

I greatly appreciated what he said. He did very little talking aside from "Thank you. A few years ago I thought I could never do this again." The fact that he enjoys being there and doing what he does just made me feel all happy watching him.

I just wonder where did this come from- how did he find this in him so young? Pretty Hate Machine is such a beautiful album, and for a band's debut album, the songs are so powerful and modern.

As far as a rundown on the actual happenings of the show- well- we had the best seats in the house! Aside from this front stage mosh pit which seemed to have people with backstage passes and stuff in it, our seats were as close as you could get. Our actual seats were further back but we just saw this chaotic area in the front and these 2 seats where no one was sitting so we just kinda sat there and crossed our fingers. Nobody bothered us! I felt so special and excited to be right on the floor of Madison Square Garden- I've gone to many events there- all in nosebleed. Attending events like this brings back all kinds of childish joy.

He played all sorts of songs- the most famous accept he didn't play We're in This Together Now, which I really wanted to hear. He played stuff from PHM, Downward Spiral etc. Of course he played Closer, and in no way was his performance tired. Ugh so sexy! And so intense when he played softer songs like Hurt and Something I Can Never Have. It was so awesome seeing him sing my most favorite songs that have been my favorites for such a long time.

And the most eventful thing of the show that I saw was this girl who must have been ODing on some drugs or just really crazy, but all of the sudden she was screaming- before the show started- and was writhing all over the place and punching the guards. They had 5 men trying to hold her down and she kept struggling, they pulled her to the hallway by her legs cause she was clawing and punching and stuff. I have never seen anything like it. They tried to pin her down and she just wouldn't stop or give up for like 15 minutes. They each took an arm and a leg and carried her into some back room. Pretty crazy stuff.

Opener Queens of the Stone Age was totally boring. I like the songs they have on the radio a lot, but their performance was so dull and uninspired. Not impressed at all. Accept for the fact that the lead singer is really hot and has this gorgeous tall torso, sexy posture, and perfect shoulders. Yum. I guess that's important.

And last night I walked past this church. I am glad Capuchin monkeys finally have a place of worship. I mean hey they let the Catholics worship after all.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Whatevs- Gag Me With A Spork

And now, "Just Because", images of Valley Girls!



I'm super excited because tonight is the Nine Inch Nails concert- something I have been waiting years to do. Ah I'll never forget The Downward Spiral, my first or second CD (I think the first one was Liz Phair's Whip Smart), right when we got a CD player. The packaging was so cool. The songs said words like "fuck" in them. Trent Reznor was sooo cute. And I was all moody and poetry writing- hating boys, telling my mom to leave me alone, sneaking a single beer to share with my friends and smoking cigarettes without inhaling ... back in the days when Cobain was still alive and Beavis and Butthead choked on chicken, ahhh. (For some reason that time period makes me think about taco bell sporks). Later on taking a high school class titled "The internet and you", when I learned html for the first time and plastered my home page with images of Nine Inch Nails. Oh I better stop now before it gets too cheesy.

So, I figure I better recap some interesting items from my week before I get all wrapped up in what happens next. A friend of mine said he liked it better when I casually talked about my day. Now I've personally grown a little bored of that, but I think he's right that it's nice to add a personal touch to everything. Soo

On Halloween a girl came up to me on the busy streets of New York City and said "Cute costume". I looked at her face and was like "Hey I know you ..." I knew her. Cool, eh?

On Tuesday night after dinner with friends at the corner of 23rd and 6th avenue, a man points at me and hollars "Hey you, I saw you on Elimidate- you got your heart broken! You were crying!" And then ran away.

Also on Tuesday, I visited with a charming man in his charming studio where they manufacture all kinds of custom products for celebrities and private clients. He was working on this private cosmetics line which was really cool- I am gonna do a little write up on in it a few days. He gave me tons of free makeup, making me feel so awesome feeling! Yes yes lipglosses and sparkly things. Sooo good. And the Lipglosses come in little cupcake style packaging-

speaking of the cupcake craze- the following 3 places are Hipsterizing Hoboken, even more that is: W Hotel, American Apparel, and a Cupcake Shop are all being built. Ahhh Hoboken, my favorite little slice of gentrified pie!

5 Dutch Days in NYC

tee hee, that guy is sleeping with that other guy; in his ass!

And work is just great. Lucas Entertainment is the first studio to put adult video clips on iPods so we are getting some press from Washington Post and some other places this weekend, and we are working on something for the NYT. That's cool, right? Way to jump on video iPod technology! Our web and production guys are da bomb. Look! I took a picture of one of the video iPods with a still from one of our video clips.

Work is also fun. They are filming some interview in the studio upstairs and we just built a makeup area with this big table and it's all stocked with all kinds of makeup and makeup tools and my boss calls me up cause he wants me to try all the great stuff. So he gets out all these bronzers and gets me all luminous looking. Lipgloss, bronzers and iPods . . . yeah that's my day for ya.

Lastly- Spellcheck- why are you so stupid? Why don't you know any words?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Rocketless Pockets

From What does Bush keep in his pockets?

"WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Bush may be burdened with the world's problems, but his pockets are pretty light."

Ha hah hahahahhahahhaha
I'll bet.
commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

She knows how I feel even though she's in the future. I feel so understood.

Said to the man on the subway/PATH/Metro whose legs are spread wide as the big blue ocean with all the cute little fishes and whales swimming about,
"Sir, is your dick really that big that you must take up two seats."

"Yeah, baby, bigger than you've ever seen . . ."

"My dear, I work in gay porn and quite regularly interact with a man with a massive 11 inch penis. He has no problem sitting like a gentleman. Kindly close your legs."

Now sadly enough, this is an imagined conversation. I usually just look at such men with disgust or anger, and then sit right there, or stand near there if I have to, and continue to broadcast my dirty looks upon them. How am I supposed to read my comic books while standing? I can't do that. I have to sit. You've got to move your big aggravating legs- rrrr so aggravating . . .
Nope I can't be confrontational or perky in transit or elevators. It's too scary to be so close to people in such tight places.


Leave me alone so I can concentrate on my putting. Please! That's all I want. I just want to concentrate. I can do this . . . . ahhhhhh . . slow, and, easy . . .

Last night was Halloween.

A man dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire began freaking out and going "Ohh! Oh! Ohhhh!" and beating his chest with pot covers. It was just the perfect amount of obnoxious while still maintaining the ability to be amusing. Enjoyable, even. Two thumbs up.