Miss Mopey Mopey Is DEAD

Who's that pathetic and sad peice of crap? Not me- anymore at least.
Good god I was so fucking depressed last year. You faithful readers from the very beginning witnessed my mess. You all witnessed me totally losing my shit. Saying and thinking the biggest bullshit my mind has ever been capable of creating.

I always find it so annoying when people tell me they think I am crazy in a non-endearing way- cause surprise surprise- they do it all the time. I say- hey- listen- what you gotta watch out for is the quiet ones- those are the ones with something to hide. With me, all my shit is out there on the table. If I think I am losing it, I tell you- no scary weird shit is hiding in any places. If I think a sick sick thought or something perverted or twisted, I'll happily share it. Cause I find those thoughts awfully delightful, and they produce no guilt or shame in me- which I guess is the kind of supression that makes other people so weird and crazy. Like that weird guy that spooged and freaked out without just admitting it like a normal boy and then it would've been no big damn deal.

Anyhow, back to why I brought it up- man, depression does some weird shit to your brain. When you are that sad you think some terrible thoughts. And you become desperate in some ways. Like you so desperately want to not be depressed anymore you think that there's things you would do that you would never have ever done before - like lie. I know a lot of people lie- but I don't. I can't. I get a burning awful feeling in my stomach if I tell a lie. I don't think anybody could believe my lies- if I ever lie I have a smirk on my face and a glow in my eyes. If I was ever called out on one I would be so embarrased I would start laughing. I fucking hate lying and I can't do it. But I lied here and there back when I was feeling all depressed. Mostly to the ex, but I thought he didn't deserve or earn my honesty anyway so I justified it. It's funny that I can't lie, but I can act. Cause with acting, your audience knows what you are doing is false, so it's ok.

Damn I can type fast. I fucking rule. These keyboard keys ain't got nothin on my mad crazy typing skills. Bam you take that you little buttony letters. Aw yeah you take it and you like it.

Anyhow. I am bringing it all up because I would like to declare my mess officially over. I was thinking it was over on New Years being all much happier, and now it's been given more time and more reflection and it's super over. It's just fucking shocking and appauling to me though. I definately understand and empathize with human weakness much more. Honestly, I was way too tough of a cookie before. It was really naive of me I think. It's good I was broken down and ripped apart, cause well, it understand what it really means to be a big girl now. And I appreciate the happy shit so much more.

I don't deserve to bitch anymore. I am too fucking fortunate in life to even deserve one ounce of sadness, one more tear, or one more complaint. Screw that. I have it pretty damn good all things considered and I don't think I'd be justified in recieving any more sympathy from a soul. Oh and PS- law students- getting the boot from law school isn't the worst thing in the world even though it seems like it. In spite of the 30,000 dollar inconveninece it has caused and the infliction of feelings that I am a loser-failure, it's the awesomest. Life is so much more fun when you can say to yourself, eh, that wasn't for me, and feel no guilt being irresponsible and trying to pursue something totally non-practical like becoming a comedy writer. I feel so free. The practical lawyer path was not for me so I have a liscense to ill and be the illest dopest mofo I can be.

Ohh Oh and can I say one more happy thought? Of course I can this is my website. Ok, so I LOVE my comedy class. It's so wonderful and happymaking. I basically go to this place every weekend and laugh laugh laugh my ass off. We watch and critique some of my absolute favorite sketches, pitch sketches- and everyone in the class is so good and funny and a pleasure to read/listen to, and just make eachother laugh for 3 hrs straight, and I have an audience for my sketches too! It feels great when the crap in your head gets to come out and make people smile. Money don't mean a thing. I have the least amount of money I have ever had and I am happiest for it. Of course if I was like really poorer I would care more- but high five- I'm not! Woo yah.

We are doing business with a guy named Ali G, I got to ask for Ali G when I called. Neat.

Ok- So more on Bright Eyes, if you go into the ITunes Music Store, you can download "When the President Talks to God" for free. My boss really likes it and says it reminds him of Dylan. If you don't have ITunes, download it for free. And then if you're really nice I can email you songs to play. I've become quite the little music-whore lately with a plethora of mindblowinglygood songs in my collection. Now if only I blowed less cashmoney on drinks and bought myself an ipod . . . if only . . .

Conor Oberst RhythmFucked Me Last Night

And to be fair, so did the whole band.

So the Bright Eyes concert last night was amazingly great. And like I said before, certain music is so physical to me- which I guess makes sense because melodies and rhythms are movement.

Anyhow.

Sitting there I swear that Conor Oberst was shooting out Spiderman style spiderwebs of musical intensity right into my solar plexis, cause I could feel his music pulling at me as he purged his intense words right into the heart of me. I think that if he hit on some of those oh so perfect combinations of sounds for just a little longer, he'd be rubbing my musical g-spot right into orgasmville. The whole band is so amazing- 7 people total, and damn what a show. The combinations of unusual keys and sounds blend together to make a deeply dramatic sound that when you hear it you can't ignore. You'd be inhuman and dead inside not to be stirred by this music.

And did you know, Conor Oberst actually talks like that? Like his crazy whiney voice? It's funny. Some chick yelled "The guy from Rilo Kiley", and then the guy from Rilo Kiley said "Hey that's me." And Conor pouts in his super pouty way, "Hey that's not Rilo Kiley's drummer, that's Bright Eyes' drummer." Ah, that was cute. One of the musicians had a baby and the baby was all happy and came on the stage and then Conor put the baby up to the mike and she made little baby sounds. It was kinda awesome to hear a baby voice on these big loud speakers like that.

The show was so fucking great. He didn't even play any of my favorite songs, being Kathy With a K song, Emily, Haligh, Lover I Don't Have to Love, Easy/Lucky/Free, Touch or Calendar Hung Itself- and he played a lot of his more mellow stuff- but he ended in a fanfuckingtastic finale of "Road to Joy" and the instrumentals on that were so nuts great. This dude with a modified trumpet is on it, and the drums are kickass on it too. And in the end Conor put the guitar in the amp for some great sounding feedback and just started smooshing the guitar into the amp and like humping it kinda funny. He was also standing on top of the drums and rocking out, fell off the drums and knocked them over- and the whole time still sounding awesome and playing the song. And then the drummer knocked and smashed over his whole durm set and it sounded great. Ah, it was super good. Also, Conor hates W Bush, and he wrote this killer great new song "When the President Talks to God" and it's pretty funny. Also new, "The Portuguese Song/Lua", with delightfully great lyrics as usual. The whole time I couldn't help but chairdance (my word for sitting down and dancing in the chair), which I love to do. I was overcome with uncontrollable, yet gentle, bouts of swaying and bopping around.


Tilly And The Wall's Tap Dancer is in the blue tights.
Furthermore, I'd like to say that the Opening acts kicked ass. Tilly and The Wall are fun and cute, and have a tap dancer instead of a drummer. But they didn't really blow me away. Instead, I was blown the fuck away by Coco Rosie. Download some Coco Rosie here, I recommend "By Your Side", which goes out to my former self. Coco Rosie are some of the most amazing shit I have ever seen. The lead singer is a cross between Portishead, Bjork, and Edith Piaf, and then there was a French beatboxing MC who wore a big Indian feather hat, and this Opera singing Keyboard player/guitarist. All 3 people in it were awesome. This was by far the best surprise I have ever experienced in an opening act, better than when I saw Rufus Wainwright even. Ugh it was unreal. And with really charming lyrics. And the lead singer used toys for a lot of the songs. They used all different little noisy toys and it sounded so cool- you know like the kind babies play with with lights and stuff. They even used the kazoo. And at their merchandise table their shirts were all different and handmade and were super awesome, so I just had to get this super cute little yellow thermal thingy. Subject of later conversation.

He said:

"Is that shirt for a child?"
Me: No.
Him: "But it's unreasonably small."
Me: Why do you think I am so large?
Him: "I don't know, you have that big jacket on, you look kind of large."

Me: Thank you.
And then I tried it on over my clothes and explained to him about how girls shirts are often small, and they stretch. He agreed and felt that it looked "very nice".

Oh yeah, I also forgot to say, Lisa lost her favorite hat last night. She loved that hat and now it's gone. I would like it if we could all take a moment of silence for Lisa's beloved hat.




Ok. Thank you.

Some really cool Death Cab for Cutie videos

A line from a story board for a Hong Kong commercial "One boy discovered that girls aren't yuk." Who writes this stuff?

more to come . . .

My Innermost Thoughts

Snuggling is sooo great.
I am such a happy lady this morning. On the way to work the sweetest little kitty was in front of this deli and he let me pet his cute little kitty cat head.

Last night's reality tv thingy was a lot more fun than I expected. Cause the deal was that my friend threw her husband a surprise birthday party with a Canadian theme, and the show was about her planning the party with the help of the party planner. And it was really cool. They decorated it to look like Canada cause they are Canadians, and they had really good snacks and free drinks. I drank a whole lot of Caesars- which are some kind of Canadian bloody mary, and so I got drunk. I unfortunately didn't flash everyone and start screaming as hoped for, but I think I said some stupid crap on camera. So hopefully this will make for funny happy tv moments as opposed to my elimidate shame or that time that Paul Begala called me prude on Crossfire. Anyhow I didn't sleep much last night so my plans for tonight are being cancelled- you like that? Friends of mine who I may forget (purposely cause I am a real jerk) to call about tonight- good thing you're reading the blog today so you know I'm ditching. Sound good? How do you like that jerk love- eh?

I am so excited I found a friend to go see Debussy's Opera (only 4 performances!) at the Met. I don't care that we are sitting in nosebleed seats neither. I got my grandma's pink mother of pearl opera binoculars so I am gonna pimp it hardcore.

Also, I am kind of sad cause my bosses keep giving me work to do, but I much prefer to sit here and type away to create these blog entries. I think that my real job takes away from the quality of the blogging. Sorry.

Ted Turner is cool.

Back to being happy and sharing with you my innermost thoughts. I like wearing my snowboots a lot. They make me happy when I wear them even though they aren't that cute looking and are just rather practical. It's the whole yucky outside, cosy inside combo that makes me love wearing them. Kinda like how it's very nice to be warm inside when it's icky raining outside (you homeless sure are missing out). I prefer to step and squish in mushy dirty snow slush just cause I know it can't penetrate the snuggle fortress that is my snowboot. Ahh. Niceness.

Go to this for me cause I gotta work!

www.boyinthedrain.com - The trailer looks really fun.
This is an invitation to attend an afternoon screening for the film First Time Caller.

It is a science fiction comedy about late night radio, strange visitors possibly from another world, alligators and cosmic questions answered with chicken wings.

David Alan Basche, one of the stars of Steven Spielberg's up coming War of the Worlds, stars.

Patrick Warburton ("Puddy" from Seinfeld and "The Tick"),
Chris Elliott ("There's Something About Mary"),
Fred Willard ("A Mighty Wind", "Waiting For Guffman"),
Thomas Gibson (Greg from "Dharma and Greg")
Ed Helms ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart")
Mo Rocca ("The Daily Show with Jon Stewart", "I Love the 90s")
and many more co star.

Cinema Blend calls the film "A Hilarious and Thought Provoking Romp" and gave it 3 1/2 Stars.

The trailer and other information can be found on our website.
http://firsttimecaller.com/

This is an industry showcase and our last free screening before distribution.
So please RSVP.
INFO for the screening:
Thursday, February 3, 2005
4 PM Sharp
Tribeca Grand Hotel Screening Room
2 Avenue of the Americas (Between Church and White Street)

Seating is limited so RSVP as soon as possible

A Baloo Is a Bear

"Samoa cookies are not really made by girl scouts. They are way too tasty for that. They are really made by the director of Lemony Snikets, Brad Siberling, and are the inspiration for the film. I would like to take this oportunity to personally thank Brad Siberling for Samoa cookies. They are truly delicious."
Or at least, in a perfect world directed by me, that's how Scorcese or Eastwood's acceptance speech should read when they win best director at this year's Oscars.

You know, today I just can't leave you non descript peoples with just my reflections of the art of being pleasantly single. There's much more going on.

First off, Oscar nominations are in:
http://us.imdb.com/features/rto/2005/oscars
Here's not who I think will win, but who I want to win-
-Best Picture- none- I'm not excited by these pics, and haven't seen Ray and don't want to see Million Dollar Baby based on the seriously cheesy dialogue and overplayed storyline from the trailer. Maybe Finding Neverland but it won't win.
-Leo for the Aviator- he was so awesome in it, but I didn't see Ray so I dunno. Depp is hot and was great but not as amazing as Leo was in the Aviator.
-Kate Winslett for Eternal Sunshine- or the chick from Vera Drake or Maria Full of Grace even though I didn't see them either. I just like when unknowns of cool indie films win stuff.
-Clive Owen- I love that guy
-Laura Linney for Kinsey
-None of the director choices. I would've wanted Gondry.
-Eternal Sunshine for best screenplay
Eh, I am bored of making this list. Screw it. BTW I think it's really funny that Incredibles is going up against Shark Tale. That catagory kind of sucks right now.
And what the fuck- NOTHING for Kill Bill 2. That's some real bullshit right there. Seriously- Sideways or Million Dollar Baby better than Kill Bill 2? Stupid Hollywood.

related: Razzie Noms.

"Bears are Crazy. They'll bite your head if you're wearing a steak on it. "

Tim Burton is being really cool again. Gotta love when he collaborates with Caroline Thompson.

I'll be part of a reality show tonight. Hopefully I won't cry like a wussy bitch this time. My friend is filming something called "The Party Planner with celebrity host, David Tutera" on the Discovery Channel, where I attend a party with others. I assume that it will be something like one of those many TLC shows I've seen on Sundays. Free drinks though. I should probably get wasted and start screaming and flashing everyone, you know, like usual.

Other Childhood Lies

Mere Mortals

Much bullshit has been waxed poetic on the subject of what boys really want and what girls really want, but it’s precisely that, bullshit- at least for those of us who aren’t lame as hell. I am repeating myself here by saying my life changes have overwhelmed me. But I am starting to fully own a new me and fulfill my new role in society. My goals and wants are very different now and the greatest gift I can give my “love life” is to know what I do and don’t want, and to ensure that I vocalize it when it’s called for.

I remember lying in bed next to my ex and imagining his smiling face as we would say our marriage vows. Me telling him how much I loved him and how devoted I was to him in front of my friends and family. Yes. I imagined this, and yeah it’s embarrassing to admit- even thinking about it makes me want to hurl. Don’t ask where it came from but I imagine this devil is in all of us who add someone’s last name to ours and look at another person and think how cute your kids would be. But you know, we did this. We decided that when we lived in suburbia together we would have both a weimeriener puppy and a grey kitty. We started arguing over what car to buy. But these are all horrible things for a 23 year old girl with heart and soul to imagine. Because when you start imagining these things, and you’re with someone who can make them a reality, you’re only growing closer to death.

There’s points in life, A, B, C, D, etc. At point A you are born. One of those points is marriage. That’s a big damn point for most people aside from popularity of divorce- but that’s way too trendy for me, and I don’t think I want to rock divorce in my future- so I hope to marry for the long term if and when it does happen. Anyhow, once you get to marriage, so many other variables become known. So much is determined. So many options are no longer up for exploration. Your life becomes less a real life and more like that of a predictable animal. Behaving in ways carved out by norms and living a life that is a mere imitation of other lives rather than a reflection of individual choice. Free will dissolves into a barely cognizable notion.

Right now I am a person who is not interested in having a serious relationship. I just got out of one that tore my insides into pieces and it was pretty exhausting. But it’s not so much the fear of breaking up and pain and rejection that makes me not want to jump into the boyfriend boat again. It’s that when I was in the relationship, the beautiful dove of independence and freedom suffocated and died inside. It's not that I didn't do my own thing (granted when I did my "own thing" he was there trailing by my side) or have my own mind and opinions. It's that I had surrendered to the idea that I was happy with my possible fate of being with him for the rest of my life. I was accepting a future with endless variables known, at 23. And that’s the problem. This kind of situation serves to remind people of their own mortality. Because we are, in fact, mortals. We will die. And life can be a thing in which you pick and choose and plan your A, B, C, and D and simply go along the line until that point when it’s death. But it doesn’t need to be. And the longer you can put off solving for X and answering those variables, the longer that dove can fly. And she should fly.

Inside me now is the beautiful, sometimes dangerous, bird of freedom. I can feel her inside, happy and beaming with something- maybe energy, hope, life, soul- not really sure what- but she’s beaming. It’s the very same bird that tempts boys to be the fucking lousy cheaters and commitment-phobes we know them for- but she’s not all bad when combined with sensibility. And she is one damn pretty bird. I can just picture that if you were to cut my ribs open, she would fly out with rays of light beaming across the room, and granted it would be a bit of a bloody mess, but it would nonetheless be beautiful. This dove is youth. And this dove is the gift of the single.

I have Thailand to explore, and hopefully next year, even Macchu Picchu. I have all of NYC to hit up. I have to try my hand at being a rock star. I have never even dated a hot sugar daddy, and I surely should, just once. I have a whole planet here to consume. I can’t be picking out wedding dresses and looking into a plot of suburban real estate. I am young goddamn it. And I have a whole mind to use and she’ll take me somewhere- to some conclusions and destinies that I can’t and don’t want to know about yet. And it’s not even about hooking up with random dudes or taking it up some new orifice. That’s not what it’s all about, at least not for me. It’s about not knowing exactly where the night is going to take you, and quite frankly, not giving a fuck. Just going with and doing what feels right. Whatever you are enjoying, what feels like a good idea. Not ever being pressured, and being able to tell a guy, hey you- fucking cut that out- when you don’t like what they are doing. Not even having the night be about getting some cause the night has so much more to offer than ass.

So no, I am not some portrait of a desperate and lonely single woman in her 20s. And no I am also not some hurt and tainted chick who hates all men and refuses to settle down. If I fall in love, I fall in love. It’s fucking fine with me to do it all again. Because the resulting pain is a part of life and at least I hope I have a better sense of what to expect next time around.

I am the exciting character penned into all those novels and screenplays. Twenty-something single girl with few real responsibilities having her adventures in the big city. The muse of silly shows like Sex and the City, and stupid (sometimes good) movies where some free-spirited girl dates boring dudes and changes their lives and opens their eyes, you know- Along Came Polly, Sweet November, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Garden State, Lost in Translation. I am a cliché, but a lovely cliché at that. Nobody cares about the housewife until she becomes Desperate. And I am flying far away from all of that.

I Respect Him for Not Ruining the Surprise.

The News pisses me off so bad with their stupid titles of stuff with years in it and all. Blizzard 2005? You call a foot of snow a blizzard? Shit dawg it's just a snowstorm. Damn, you all remember 1996? Like 5 or 6 feet of snow? That was whack. My kitty cat tried to walk out in that snow, and gosh darn it that was funny! That kitty got way lost and had a panicked look in his eyes as he could not figure out how to overcome it. But don't worry I snatched him up in a blanket. Oh that kitty he did the darndest things! I used to miss his little kitty paw prints in the snow. RIP kitty. When we buried him my dad dug a deep hole and I tried to place him gently into it, but instead the hole was deeper than I thought and he just kind of fell onto the hard ground and I heard his bones against the rocky soil go "thud". Needless to say that was one of the funnest days ever.

Did you notice my new feature? I am going to make a calendar with cool events and suggestions for stuff to do in NYC. The link is on the side bar. It's
http://heatherfink.master.com. Click for fun times!

Aeon Flux movie photos released- not quite as cool a costume as the cartoon . . . Want more IMDB fun? Here:
A former ping-pong champ is brought in by the government to infiltrate a high-stakes underworld tournament and bring down the organizer, a feared crime boss.

Ok- so I have a policy about not putting my relations with boys in this blog- but one recent interaction may be worthy of sharing- plus I'll never see him again and he doesn't know anybody I know- so I think it's fair play.

About a week ago I ended up with a young man who looked a lot like a young Antonio Banderas at my place. We were making out and he was so very into it. Every little kiss was so very exciting for him- you know like shivering, moaning, the whole nine yards. It was kind of hot. So yeah, we were just making out that's it, no third base or anything, when all the sudden this guy freaks out and stops and says "This isn't right".
Me: "Um, ok, we can stop that's cool."
Him: "I have to go to my friend's place, I am visiting here to see him and it isn't right for me not to be there. I'm just going to catch a cab."
Me: "Um, ok, that's fine, but it's like 6 in the morning and you can't really catch a cab in Hoboken at 6 in the morning. And I'm not so sure your friends will care. You could probably just stay till daylight and try then."
Him: "No this isn't right, I have to go, I don't do things like this, this isn't right."
Me: "Uh, yeah, sure, ok here's directions to the PATH, bye."
And I return to my bed as he leaves and find a big wet (sticky) puddle in my sheets.
I guess it was his cute little way of saying
"Surprise, I came in my pants!"

You'll never ever be able to read this whole blog. I will ensure it with all these words.

Seafood Middles are another kind of good middles if you're a little meow meow kitty.

Nine Inch Nails has announced tour dates- two shows in London so far. The US is soon to come. I better not be in Thailand when they hit up the NYC. And by that I mean that I am threatening anyone and everyone if I miss it. I threaten to be really bitchy and all like I am having my period to anyone I talk to. And I talk a lot so this could be hellish for a lot of people out there.

Speaking of Thailand, I am so irritated at United Airlines. Granted I hate Air France AKA "I am gonna have another strike cause I really just want to take my vacation while you try to take yours but at least the soft cheese spread we have is really tasty" Airlines. But these mofos over at United can't seem to do something as simple as ensuring that my seat is next to my friend's seat. WTF. This is not so difficult. There's seats on a plane. There's people on the plane. Each person has to sit in a seat. Just make sure that we sit in seats that are next to eachother. Oh, and I prefer one not in the middle section. The middles of planes always suck and are filled with weirdos. And people with bad sleeping habits. I hate plane middles. Not like the middles in those Keebler Magic Middles with the chocolate in the middles- like even when there's chocolate chips in the cookies- still also chocolate middles. And also like Freshen-up gum with gooey sugar middles. Those are good middles. Not plane middles. Sucks to your assmar United. Screw you and your stupid air unity. PS- Singapore Airlines is the bomb- just a little, um EXPENZIVES- and I don't have that kind of cash money cause I spend most of my Office Manager loot on PARTYING EVERY NIGHT aka being a professional little 23 year old.

This chick this morning got on the PATH and motioned towards me and made a little mumble indicating that I should move or excuse me or something unintelligible, not so that she could get by, but so that she could stand specifically where I was standing. There was a nice big space to stand directly next to me, offering the same kind of accomodations as my little spot, but no, this woman wanted to stand in my space that I was occupying. That was my space. And now I'll never have it back its so sad.

All That Could Have Been
Finally, it has been a big adjustment for me to take the back seat to life I have chosen. I've always been in the front seat, working for something big, plotting out some big course for me, competing to be on top of something. And one of my big 23 year old revelations was what the fuck am I trying to be on top of exactly and why the hell do I want to be there anyway kind of thing- ya know- like how even if I was miss top fancy pants lawyer would I even want that to be me and be my life anyway? No. But I feel this need to just actualize my potentials. I guess one thing I realize I want more than anything from anything I do in life is to see what I am capable of. I will. Just not right now. Right now I'd like another cocktail.

Jesus christ, just listen to me ramble on. How can I be more narcissistic? Should I ring Vincent Gallo and find out? Maybe I should make an artsy black and white movie where I get head from a hot actor for 20 minutes. Maybe I should.

On the American Version of The Office.

Oh you should be happy I go on this much to distract you from the fucking awful truth of society. W is being inaugurated. I originally thought I would come to DC for the festivities. The last inauguration in DC was one of the best party weekends I have ever been to- but I guess it just seemed slightly disgraceful that W was our leader, and the protests were light hearted and happy. Now it's just pitiful. Damn pitiful stupid right to vote being used to show exactly how dumb other people are. And I don't find the stupidity funny. It's sad. Fucking red states. Now them states r a trail of tears!

Holy Shit

Holy Shit I love these shoes these shoes are fabulous holy shit.

And they might be comfortable too cause they are jelly shoes.
Red wedge jelly shoe from Melissa by Alexandre Herchcovitch, $95, available at Opening Ceremony, NYC, (212) 219-2688.

I'm truly sorry this post is merely so-so, I'm eating Raisin Bran right now. It's out of my control.

Look at these assholes and their Raisin Bran- why does it have to taste so good? I wish I had nothing to do with the stuff, honestly.

Stella 2005 Review:Well, my holiday tradition of many years is coming to an end- or at least changing. At last night's Stella, they announced that this run of shows is the last ever at Fez- and they said they will bring it back at another venue- but still- Fez was a great place. I am also unsure about whether or not they can bring back the show the same as before. You may have read earlier that they are developing Stella into a TV show for Comedy Central, and who knows how that will impact these guys' schedules. Anyhow, I hope it's still around because I love bringing my friends to these shows. We always have a great time and I think I would really miss them. I'll also be going to their Feb. 1 show.

They always show a funny little Stella Video at each show, and at this show they showed a video that I think was part of the new TV show. And judging from that clip, I think that the show will be a hit. And honestly, I am kind of glad to see them have to make their videos with less dildo. Cause while I love the use of their many dildos in earlier sketches, for tv they can't use it, and though some of you may think there is no such thing as too much dildo, believe me- there is. (If you've seen their sketch Dickfish- you'll know what I mean).

Anyhow- I think that the Stella TV show will be really great. The guys doing it- Micheal Showalter, Micheal Ian Black and David Wain- have a great sense of silliness reminiscent of Monty Python, and even when they talk about sex or dirty humor, their sense of play and innocence dominates and charms the audience. That's precisely what's so compelling about them- they manage to hone in on the charms of boyish innocence- and they do it all in a distinctly American way. Naturally, Monty Python is very much a product of English attitudes and society and has an English perspective. The same can be said of Kids in the Hall being uniquely Canadian, but I think the distinction is more apparant in MP. Anyhow- as John Cleese can speak volumes on precisely what silliness is, Stella seems to capture American silliness with energy and creativity- and I appreciate it. And the difference between this show and sketch variety shows like SNL or Mad TV is that it revolves much more around the charicatures of the three men and how they interact with given situations.

As usual there were a variety of performers- this time Bobby Tisdale, Jessie Klein, the Sklar Brothers, Joey Adams/Joe LoTruglio, Eugene Mirman, and a duo whose names I honestly didn't catch but were quite enjoyable. I was most impressed by Jessie Klein, who I had never seen before- who had great timing, a very natural disposition, and the looks of Natalie Portman all at once.

Justin Theroux, who has starred in some UCB stuff in the past, is in Micheal Showalter's upcoming film "The Baxter". He was there and I wound up chatting with him, and I have to say of all the well-known individuals I have ever spoken to, including those with less fame, he was by far the most genuine and polite. So yeah, he's a talented actor, handsome, and a real class act. Surely if he can maintain that disposition it will take him wherever he hopes to go. I hope Hollywood treats him well. Oh yeah, and he also told me that one of my favorite stand ups- Demitri Martin- is a law school drop out. That's kind of encouraging, no? Yes. Encouraging.

Damn it's cold as a whorebitch (a dead one that's in Alaska, not a warm living one) and I almost did a split sliding into frozen dog-pee this morning but who fucking cares- all is well. My boss is back from being out sick with the flu- and I am happy about that cause he's a lot of fun to have around, and I got me some CDs in the mail today- including The Downward Spiral cause I lost it and it is totally one of the finest CDs ever crafted, Sondre Lerche, Kings of Convenience, Pete Yorn, and Damien Rice.

Let's Get One Thing Straight Here

I may have a filthy mouth and a filthy mind and maybe sometimes I don't wash my hands before eating and I may like my naked ass to be smacked with wet garbage (on occassion- ok?- jeez) - but I do not- I repeat- do not have a filthy crotch. So that is why today I have to let my Colin Farrell Obessession RIP.

Oh come on now- don't give me that face- No, I'm sorry Colin, but it's sooo over with us . . .

Colin Farrell says that paying for sex is like having food delivered. And he means it in a positive way.

“It’s like ordering a pizza. Someone comes around, you spend an hour, you have a smoke with them afterwards,” the Irish bad boy star told Britain’s B Magazine. “I’ve never been with a prostitute I haven’t been completely polite to and treated like a human being.”

Farrell, it would seem, has a bit of a problem with commitment. “Girl trouble for me is when you fall in love — that’s [bleeping] girl trouble,” he said. “If you have a bad lay, that’s not girl trouble.”

The man fucks hookers. Damn, son. Viral infections of the penis are so "not my bag" if you will Austin Powers with me for a moment. The idea of waking up with this man with red sores in places just destroys any possible fantasies. Plus the idea of a man who pays for sex just doesn't sit so well with my ideas about sensible human rights for women. Plus along with the Hugh Grant thing- what is up with super hot guys who could get with whoever they want paying for sex??? I mean they don't feel powerful enough in bed just being one of those guys who millions of woman drool over? They need to feel they are purchasing it too?

I was really enjoying this celebrity crush. It had no chance for heartbreak or getting too serious or temptation to drunk dial- cause- well- I didn't have his phone number and he has no clue I exist- a big plus in my book. So who the hell do I crush on now? A real person? Grrreat. That's no fun.

In other news I ate the nastiest Roast Beef sub today. It was just filled with so much meat. And it wasn't good roast beef either. It was thick and tough and over cooked. And I like it with mayo and oil/vinegar- but the place COVERED it in these toppings. It was dripping with nasty subjuice. The bread was wet. It smelled like it was sweating.


Stuff that Dreams are Made of:
I'd rather be eating my most favorite ever: Lekker VLA
The pudding of the gods. It comes in Cartons!! In some Dutch neighborhoods the milkman brings it in bottles to your house!
Friesche Vlag Dubbelvla bestaat uit twee smaken, dus dubbel zo lekker!

Finally:
To all the ladies in this place with style and grace-
allow me to let you in on my fantastic little hair secret. I get fantastic hair-jobs on the cheap in Hoboken. Jessica at Hoboken Buzz is a great colorist and cutter. She always does my highlights, and yesterday she gave me an awesome cut for 20 bucks. That's right, 20 bucks. So what if it's a men's barber shop? Aw damn.

I have a dream, that one day some white people will have Monday off of work.

I bought my tickets to Thailand today! And no none of the places I am visiting are where the tsunami hit, and hey, the country wants and needs the tourism anyway. March 19- April 3, and we'll be there for one of their famous Full Moon Parties! Yay!

How bout them golden globes, eh? Seriously. Yeah.

I had a nice time this weekend. Nice enough to have to clean the sheets anyway. Take that to mean whatever you want. And then go spread rumors (include something about some CRRAAZY old lady in them too- that will add an unexpected and reliably funny twist).


Bang kok - "Sounds" like my kind of city dude! Pun alert!

Now Equipped with Karma Machine

It's a really great new machine. Instant spreader of good karma. Simply click on one of the ads up above, and instantly you spread good karma this way. And I will of course throw good karma back at you in mysterious non-squishy ways.

And to sweeten the deal I am providing a free Dirty Cat Vortex as well.

ROCK IT LIKE A CAPITOL LETTER, TIGHT. COOL.

Duchess: Prince 'deserves a break'

From what? Being a fucking idiot?

P.S.
CHECK THIS OUT IT'S COOL

This is a Musical

In Nine Inch Nails news, the new album "With Teeth" is complete, yet still not in stores, and they'll be touring soon. Word is that Dave Grohl plays drums on it and some dude from Tool plays some other something on it too. So long as it's got my musical genius Trent on it, I am cool with that.

Peter Gallagher will be singing a song called "Don't Give Up on Me" on this week's OC. And it's his real voice. You can download it on itunes. It kind of sucks but I like it anyway.

Also, after a friend shared some "Bright Eyes" with me recently I've really grown to love it. Download free Bright Eyes mp3s at this website: Saddle Creek- Bright Eyes. Conor of Bright Eyes is also featured in an article in New York magazine this week, cause he's a New Yorker now, living on the Lower East Side and dating this chick in another good band, Azure Ray. Also, he'll be performing in NYC in the end of Jan. I got me some tix.

And if you were being a bad blog reader yesterday and didn't download and listen to Flight of the Conchords, I am giving you a second chance:
Flight of the Conchords mp3s

And if you like Robots dancing: watch this. (Thanks Brad)

Finally, if you go to Madonna's Website, you can watch the video "What It Feels Like For A Girl", which was banned from MTV. It's on the Album "Music" if you click on it. This version of the song isn't as cool as the original, but I like the sound clip that seems to be from some movie that gets played. Worth a look. You can also see other videos on there. This chick has had a few banned over the years. Oh yeah, and you can see the old "Music" video which has Ali G in it, who is a lot more popular now than when the video came out. Did you know that Sacha Baron Cohen is engaged? He is. He's sexy, I'm pissed.

Speaking of which, here is a link to
Ali G speaking at Harvard's 2004 Graduation.

PS- Somebody who downloads music free please send me mp3s of "Waltz for a Night" by Julie Delpy from "Before Sunset", and Madonna's original "What It Feels like for a Girl." I need them. And I don't download free music cause I don't want to infect my machine.

Ted McGinley is just so awesome.

I can't say enough that Ted McGinley is just so awesome. I feel, deep within my heart, that awesome was meant for him. It's possible that the word was invented in his name.

Ted McGinley didn't like nerds. I don't like nerds either. Good call, Ted.

I love makeup. I love the sparkles, and the shimmers, and the creamy things. I love the tubes and the sticks and the little powder circles. I like the pretty brushes and poofs. I like the smells and the feels and the colors of it all. Boys may not get it, but makeup can be so much more than some thing to make you look nice. It's so much fun to play with and use. And I got this tinted moisturizer stuff from Make-Up Forever yesterday and I love it. I love Make-Up Forever cause it's made in some little place in France and I like to envision that what I am using is crafted in the finest little apothacary in some whistful, um, French place. It's not about needing it really, it's about putting something on your face that makes you feel like a little princess. I like feeling like a princess. This stuff I got because it's supposed to make your skin glow and make it feel nice. I desire both things. And my face feels soft like a little baby, it's so cool.

Have you ever felt a baby? Seriously, I remember when my neice was born her little face and hands were the softest thing in the world. Man, I don't know if it has something to do with knowing the baby, and I never spent any time around any babies till my neice was born, but their little faces are so bright and glowing and full of life, it's amazing. The first time I saw her I just couldn't stop staring. Me and my family just didn't want to take our eyes off of her cause you didn't want to miss some cute thing, and when she would first open her eyes, it was only for really short time periods, and you saw these bright blue globes getting their first glimpse at the world. And then the only real interaction you get is when you put your finger near their hand, they grab onto it. It's so cool- like wow- it's really alive! Ah, but anyway, babies are really great and cool. I don't know about babies you aren't related to- I think its a little different. And I still don't like the gross stuff like feeding them or diapers. But anyhow, they are the softest things ever.

If you can't tell, I am in a certain mood. I am drinking my Madagascar Vanilla Red Roobobos Tea, and after last night's dinner at Blue Mill on the corner of Commerce and Barrow (THE prettiest intersection in NYC), followed by Belgian Waffle at le petit abeille, I am all sorts of chill. And the young gentleman who accompanied me whistfully queried whether or not I had a learning disability. Somebody come listen to Edith Piaf with me while we abuse substances. French substances . . .

Flight of the Conchords

Let me remind you about my favorite live comedy act(aside from Stella). I found an awesome website where you can download their mp3s. I'd say I love all of them accept for "frodo live". Download, save them, listen to them, you WON'T be disappointed, that is if you have a super-cool sense of humor. Click Here: It's Business Time!


"We don't make mistakes here, we just have happy accidents. We want happy, happy paintings. If you want sad things, watch the news. Everything is possible here. This is your little universe."- Bob Ross

Stock up on Hole Reinforcements. It's Back to School Time!

Friday was Goofus and Saturday was Gallant, yo.
The boys on Friday night pissed me off so bad that it was the first time in weeks that some sad thoughts arose from being single. I got so irritated by the boys at the bar that I was inspired to make a new set of rules for those creatures:
1- Don't grab at me.
2- Don't put your filthy paws on my waist.
3- Don't pull at me.
4- If I do decide to dance with you, don't grope me.
5- When I say "Hey, stop grabbing me", that's my coy little way of saying "Stop grabbing me."
6- When I see you and ask you "Did you just follow me to the bathroom?" You say "No", because you in fact were not following me to the bathroom.
7- After I say "Stop following me", stay put as I walk away.
8- If you put your grubby mits on me, and I rip my arm away as though I had been touched by feces, do not proceed to reach for me once again.


But Saturday was super-fantastic!- Just like these Mega Smash Hits!
I had my first new comedy writing class on Saturday. And I love it! I was worried that it might suck, but it doesn't just not suck, it's great! During the class my mind started sparking all these ideas just like I used to. By the end of the class I felt so inspired and ready to start writing all kinds of skecthes- something that was completely interrupted by the events of last year. And the students are all really funny and have a lot to contribute- which is really important to me when taking a class like that (or any performance art class) because you can learn from them, and everything gets done at a higher level of quality. And the teacher is super awesome. If you were a fan of "The State" as I am, the teacher is the Red Haired man, Kevin Allison- and he's a great teacher, at least so far. And we get to watch all these great sketches and go over them- so we get to watch State skecthes in class, Kids in the Hall, Mr. Show, and I think Monty Python too, and discuss them. How great is that! During the week we get to take home sketch comedy dvds too. And we have to write 2 sketches every week- which I think is really great for me to be doing. Anyhow, there was lots of laughter and I really enjoyed being there. PS- keep your calendars open cause we will have a show March 12 in the NYC baby.

And then I had an unexpected GW reunion at some bar Saturday night and saw one especially beloved old friend amongst other faces I hadn't seen in forever- all a bunch of Colonials pimpin the NYC.

And my roommate is back! Which I like cause I was getting all antsy alone in my apartment. Speaking of whom, we were actually mistaken for sisters by a waiter on Sunday, and that's especially silly cause it wasn't even the first time that has happened. And it's silly, cause, well, we don't look alike.


I love these they are so USEFUL!

Oh and one other benefit of my denouncement of bad feelings towards my breakup- I have fabulous hair today! That's right- my hair is soft and shiny and smells like strawberries! And do you know why? It's cause my ex used to have the best shampoo and he would buy it in large sized bottles, and I loved that shampoo, and I had it shoved away back in a cabinet cause I wasn't prepared to be reminded of him whilst alone in the shower- but now that I don't love him like that anymore- I can use it all I want!! High Fives! And in related news, I was thinking I could never get back together with him either cause too many of my friends have little sisters and I think that would be a real liablity all things considered, ya know? And I kind of mean that seriously. I would always be paranoid that this creepy fucker would get all Kevin Spacey in American Beauty on me some day and that would be an entirely unpleasant and unwelcome element in the relationship. So what I am saying is that it could never work anyway.

And while at Target on Sunday, I got a super cool new bikini (gotta stock up for Thailand, right?) that looks like something I think a 70s Charlie's angel would wear. BTW, they have the coolest men's clothes at target right now. And these awesome zipper jackets that are like puma jackets with little lions on them. And the lions are like the lions of the Dutch flag. Kinda like these:


And finally I am going to end this with some bitching.
I find it really annoying when people start saying that they are "private", or opt out of a debate because they "don't talk about that kind of thing". Did you ever notice that when people either don't discuss politics, or are "private", that they talk about it like they are so much better than you for it- and that you are somehow less of a person for not being like them? Well I have. And fuck being all private. If everyone was all private there would be no art, or good art at least. Anything really worthwhile tends to reveal something personal about the artist whether you as an audience realizes that or not. Just think about memorable song lyrics- you love them because you can relate to them. And they are talking about something you don't ordinarily articulate. Oh, and people who opt out of debates or arguments who act all superior because of it- that's great- but maybe you just don't have anything worthwhile to say. Or maybe the other people debating enjoy their debate. So shutup and let them you pompous dickis. PS- it's cool by me if you are "private" and a non-debater- just don't say it like you are so freakin superior for it cause you're not.

Time to go write write write. Thank goodness I kept up this here blog cause it has kept my writer muscles toned (they're located under your butt).
Butts!

Butts!
Butts.
Butts!

New Jimmy Eat World video!!

I drank alcohol on New Years.

This is by far one of the most unattractive, horrifying things I have ever seen. And it's me. And it's not suitable enough for you to listen to at work. And I desperately need a hairbrushing. And I don't know why he would make a million dollars. Can it get worse than my Elimidate performance? Yeah.

And if my prediction is right, I am going to run into some trouble with the feds.
I kinda wish I just sparkled like Christie.

PS - I loved last night's OC. (You smell like Cohen, . . . nice)
And have ya herd? Cuddle Parties

Oh, and if it makes any difference, I am one half European, so, I'm like classy n shit. Classier than in that vidbit anyways.

The Wave of the Future

In the future, everyone will have their own website. In that future I will have decided that having websites has become uncool and become a filthy recluse with no address or pores in my epidermis. Because in the future you won't need pores.

Party really hard like a table

Hey.
Bloggers are people of the year. I feel so honoured and I would like to thank god for this award. But sometimes we can't all have what we would like. So instead I am going to thank Anna Wintour and Jimmy Carter and wear one of these great t-shirts.

Moving on, I recommend this video:
Eminem "Like Toy Soldiers"
But I have to warn you, it's kind of stupid. See- I love that original song as performed by those chicks who sang it- which is what makes it good. But I must say that Eminem's whole schtick is getting really old to me. Like, ok ok Em- I hear you- the world is sad and can be fucked up- oh and that thing about you really being a nice guy and having good intentions- I really care. Eminem, you are truly showing your sensitive side, and it's oh so touching. Your apologies are like so so entertaining to me. And when you blab on and on about how much of a good guy you realy are cause you are too much of a wuss to say crazy shit without publicly apologizing in your songs- it's just the bomb. And oh man, yeah, the trauma of the rap wars is so moving. I can't believe that shit about Biggie and Tupac and the modern riffs. Cause you rappers man- you are some hard core tough shit and you have it so rough. I really feel sad cause you can't help but let your retarded tough-guy egos take over because it IS that important to act all macho. Yeah Eminem. I feel you baby. And when you're done be sure to release another one of them silly LPs and maybe this time you can collaborate with Weird Al Yankovic.

That said, I do think Eminem's first 3 albums were good if not great. It's just all starting to, well, suck. Ciao my angry siren. I vote you, Eminem, most likely to actually experience PMS. But if you really want to see something god awful:
Gwen Stefani's Rich Girl

Furthermore, I'd like to say in response to the extreme sucky crap that Hollywood is capable of making money off of, that there seems to finally be some sort of subtle awakening. Perhaps our own little 90's grunge-esque escape from the banality of crap pop is coming on and I welcome it. Because right now, dressing like a hip rock n roll punk is becoming more mainstream, and a lot of indie rock isn't so indie anymore. With the advent of Garden State's mass popularity, and the public outcry against Ashley Simpson at that football thingy- I think America is interested in sucking just a little less. Our generation should be ashamed of the past few years where Britney Spears, the Spice Girls, and the Simpson sisters were embraced as artists. I mean, I have found some of their crap entertaining- but I deserve to feel some kind of shame for liking it. So anyhow I welcome the advent of our new alternative nation with post-y2k twist. This time it's got some rap fusion and kick ass boots and even some nasty hipster porn. Oh, and have you heard about Manhattan's invasion of an old Williamsburg (brooklyn) tradition of live rock karaoke? Yeah, that's karaoke with a live band. Right now it's mostly Monday nights, but I hope to find it somewhere fun on a weekend night. Right now Crash Mansion, Pink Elephant, and Rothko are good spots to find it.

And that's all for now. I watched From Dusk Till Dawn again last night. What a teenage boy's dream. Bad words, boobies, vampires, and pointless tough-guy M.O. But it's just the kind of sleeze and vampy gloss that makes Robert Rodriguez one of my favorites. Speaking of which, I'd like to give a shout out to my favorite directors of the moment:
Michel Gondry
Mark Romanek
Jean Pierre Juenet
Robert Rodriguez
and Tom Twyker.
I lurf you.

Stella News

What up DAWGZ.

I just found this particularly relevant and wanted to share (for those of you who know my Stella love)
1) STELLA, the TV series, has been picked up for ten episodes on ComedyCentral. Michael Ian Black, Michael Showalter & David Wain will write,star and exec produce the scripted half-hour comedy. Slated for a summer premiere . . .

2) The http://www.stellacomedy.com/ videos are back online, at collegehumor.com

Winter Fucking Storm!

A fucking winter storm is coming!
Yahhh!

Celebrity Tuesday

So yesterday I read this:
Colin Farrell's interview in GQ about kissing dudes in movies
Where Colin said this:
"When you feel his stubble against your lip, it's repulsive to me, as repulsive to me as for a lot of gay men the idea of putting their tongue near a pussy is—something that, for me, is akin to heaven sometimes."
Which is precisely why I love this man. Something that I so enjoy and hold near and dear to me in leisurely activities is this man's idea of heaven. Now Natalie Portman is rumored to be in a G string in "Closer", which critics have predicted to become an image welded in the minds of men for ages to come. Well Mr. Farrell stole the brain cells right out of my head with his quote right there. Oh his brazen way with words. I fancy myself to take his form if I was male. I wish anyway. New rumors say he's banging Lindsay Lohan. I mean, she sucks, but she's not bad looking. Plus I think that's kind of funny. From his perspective anyway. If he married her or seriously dated her I would think he was a loser. But what do I know anyway, right? I don't really know these people.

Anyhow.

Back to the matter at hand.
Some girls don't like him cause they think he's dirty. But to me he's perfectly dirty. The right amount of foul mouth- used appropriately for humor purposes. And those tattoos are glorious. Oh, and that armband. Oh, and that hair and those stupid hats. And that facial hair. And that body. It's perfect because it's not like Brad Pitts- which is really perfect. Brad Pitt's body is like Michelangelo's David- it looks chiselled by God, and if I had it in front of me, well, I would like it, but I don't know if it would feel like a real guy like the guys I know. I like Colin Farrell cause he doesn't have a perfect body. In shape, sure, but not surreal like Pitt. Let me demonstrate:

This is my favorite picture of Brad Pitt. Anyhow. Notice that everything (I'm talking muscles here) is in perfect proportion and size. Almost plastic.

Dammit. The website that has the Colin pictures I like won't let me right click to get the link. Or it's my computer being stupid. Anyways- look here:
Colin Farrell There's this one picture with his head cocked back, and well, ladies, I dunno about you, but I really like that one.
See, he looks like some of the specimens I have actually sampled before. And that's cool with me.

Anyhow. That's my pointless celeb crush explained. And it's some real bullshit cause it's totally pointless. With real crushes I have the liberty to pursue. Man when a guy really sparks my interest- and I mean more than I just like him- when I develop a full blown crush- which has only happened to me like 3 times in my life- I swear I'd tear into those mofos with my bare teeth. Somebody told me I don't have enough self control and I let my passions take over. They're kind of right. Somebody else also told me yesterday that they saw the Aviator and that I am like Howard Hughes. I don't think they are right about that. I only peed in a jar, kept the bottles and lined them up this one time.


Scarlett Johansson's nice quote: "If you're comfortable with yourself, then it's sexy. Maybe people think I look sexy because I fell sexy. I am a very liberated person that way. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality, my body, my face - well, sometimes I'm not comfortable with my face, but it's stuck there and there's nothing I can do about it." Johansson admits her favorite feature is her breasts: "I'm proud of my girls. They're my charms, my feminine wiles."

Finally, some relevant Song Lyrics:
Laryn Hill "I Used to Love Him"
As I look at what I’ve done
The type of life that I’ve lived
How many things I pray the father will forgive
One situation involved a young man
He was the ocean and I was the sand
He stole my heart like a thief in the night
Dulled my senses blurred my sight

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

I chose a road of passion and pain
Sacrificed too much and waited in vain
Gave up my power ceased being queen
Addicted to love like the drug of a fiend

Torn and confused wasted and used
Reached the crossroad which path would I choose
Stuck and frustrated I waited, debated
For something to happen that just wasn’t fated
Thought what I wanted was something I needed
When momma said no I just should have heeded
Misled I bled till the poison was gone
And out of the darkness arrived the sweet dawn

I used to love him but now I don’t
I used to love him but now I don’t

Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it’s replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished

I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with

I used to love him but now I don’t

FIN.