Sup My Niggaz.

Nigger is a horribly offensive word. All I know is that movies showed me a black person was treated really badly and made to feel really sad and terrible when someone used the word nigger in a mean way. And I read some books like Harriet Tubman's Underground Railroad, and I learned about all kinds of really horrible and sad things. These sad things were taught to me, and are successful at making me feel sympathy and sensitivity towards black people and their difficulties in the world. But I am not a black person and nobody has ever called me a nigger. So I can't discuss this topic from a truly informed standpoint. But.


It strikes me that when I listen to Kanye's "Gold Digger" on TV or radio, the lyrics are changed from "I ain't sayin shes a gold digga, but she ain't messing with no broke niggaz" to "she ain't messin with no broke, broke." Broke doesn't rhyme with digga. Nigga rhymes with Digga. Kanye makes that sound good. And his song, among others, have the word nigga edited out for radioplay. And I wonder what that's all about. Is this to have a public sensitivity towards the word? Is this to ensure that children don't just drop N bombs carelessly? It strikes me that there's a reason to edit it out. Nigger is a word used to mean black person. But it's bad because when it was used in the past, it was used to hurt the feelings of a black person, or to degrade them. Actually, screw the past, I am sure people still use it if they are racist and want to let a black person know that they hate black people. But it's also been reclaimed as a word that black people use amongst each other in friendship. And it's kind of cool because white people really can't use it. So it's theirs and we really can't have fun with it.

Now in writing this it's kind of annoying that I am talking about black people like "others" or like a thing to be studied. I don't think that way, but I know that I am not a black person, so I can't say "us" or something like that. That said, I'm gonna continue,

The word Nigger in itself is from the word Nigeria, I guess. I really don't know. It doesn't mean anything other than black person and it's only bad if the person using it is using it in a meanspirited way. So if a person is using it without any mean intentions, why should it be so bad? So a person is a nigger. So what? There's nothing wrong with being a black person. Why should it be edited? So lets say I am black. Someone refers to me as a nigger, and not in a mean way. Like "Sup my nigga". Ok. I am a black person. That's nothing to be mad about. Like when someone says someone runs like a girl. So what. Girls are great. To be like a girl isn't a bad thing. So you call me a nigger. So what. Black people are great. I am a black person. You get what I mean?


I think the reason we edit that word is because our scared American culture can't begin to truly embrace its own history of slavery and racism. We are the birthplace of political correctness. Now that's kind of sweet because it means we are a polite and considerate people- attempting to be sensitive to the many flavors in our idyllic "melting pot" culture. But maybe we are just trying too damned hard. I still think we are a little tight lipped about the whole white/black thing. Hundreds of racist themed movies have been out there, all seemingly saying the same thing in a cheesy consensus one after another. True statements that affect people regarding race issues in America are few and far between. I thought that Bamboozled actually said something. But I am not sure if I can think of much else that said something new and different.

It's like a big horrible breakup. And white Americans and black Americans walk down the street every day pretending like the feelings are all cool and pretend to be happy in public, wounds healed, life going by as usual- but it doesn't take much for a wound to open. There's a lot of suppressed anger and a lack of understanding of cultures on both sides. Anyhow that's just interesting that they edit out the word "nigger" like it was "shit". It's not shit to be a black person. Or maybe it is. What does my cracker ass know anyways?

Damn P*ssy Bombs Dropped Like Mad in SouthEast Asia Once Upon a Time- don't you keep up on the news?

So I went to this Luncheon yesterday for the launch of these charity boots.
And I didn't think Uggs could get any Ugg-lier, but, um, well, damn celebrities were suppossed to paint these custom boots for St Jude's hospital (an awesome charity). Lesson learned- Calista Flockhart sucks at painting.
Look at these stupid things!
And to make matters worse, they designed these super cute and ultra insensitive- Tsunami Boots!
What gives Uggs? Remember all those people who died this year in that Asia place? Are you really designing a shoe, this year, to be donned by irritating mother fuckers who are going to rehash the SoLastYearAndNotThatCuteAnyway skirt/Ugg combo, fuck! Leave the insensitivity to the likes of me and other unsuccessful young comedians desperate for cashing in on offensive laughs- seriously!

A city by any other name will never smell as sweet.

"At GangstaGold, we understand you want to get your bling on and for this reason we offer a variety of solid 14kt, 10kt Yellow or White Gold and Sterling Silver Custom Nameplates. We also know that purchasing a custom nameplate is a serious decision and an investment that is designed to last you a lifetime. "

Let's get personal:
Heather, 24, like freedom, favorite movies include Maid in Manhattan, Maid in Manhattan, and MAID IN MANHATTAN, girlfriend! In my spare time I like to look at pictures of kittens on flickr and pictures of different Marriots and pictures of soldiers eating holiday diaramas online. I don't give blowjobs out of hatred for men. My ideal companion hates tires as much as I do.

Another little taste of my work world? This was funny.

Devon's new blog.

Goddamn it! I had planned to really write about some other good things today but I don't have time! And I don't have time for a very good reason- my boss spoiled the hell out of me today at a certain private sample sale where I got to try on an exclusive italian collection at 90% off the tag price. And not to mention that I didn't exactly have to spend all of my own money. All of you who might think my job was a bad idea- you are fools! FOOLS I tell you! As my friend Christina says it's like I'm his mistress only we aren't sleeping together- so it's like all the good stuff without the yucky sex requirement (being as how I lost my vagina in NAM rendering sex really unpleasant for me anyways). PS- We are going to be promoting this product with one of our models.

Sure to Ring Through the Anals of History, the Greatest Sylvester of All.

I don't know if you know, but I learned something. I have to tell you all about a great man, Mister Sylvester Stallone. There was this one time he hit Wesley Snipes really hard (in his face) in the future. Now anyone who knows me well, knows how much I LOVE the future. Sylvester also put on this hat with Sandy B that was supposed to be like sex, but in hats! Supposedly it was virtual. MURDER DEATH KILL. Man that was good. Surprisingly enough, Stallone has done other movies besides 1993's Demolition Man.

In spite of all of his great accomplishments previously mentioned, as he reaches the September of his years, he manages to Shock and Awe much like that HILARIOUS war campaign in the Middle East where all these people died, some bleeding to death.

I had mentioned it before, but I still feel his great recent accomplishment has been overlooked. This man has designed his own energy pudding. That's right.
Have YOU ever designed your own energy pudding, for sale nonetheless?! No, because Sylvester Stallone did it and not you. Unfortunately lemon cream flavor is out of stock. See for yourself here. This is surely the best 50 bucks you'll ever spend, I know that in my heart of hearts.

Pudding Pioneer Stallone has far more up his musclebound sleeves, where does he find the time?! He's writing and directing a new movie "Poe" about Edgar, starring that nice man who likes drugs almost as much as your mom (ha, I done told yo mama!). And it has been in the news that there will be another Rocky. But Rocky I care not- RAMBO! He's doing Rambo IV. Oh my god I almost forgot to mention that he is writing, starring in and directing a new movie all about Biggie and Tupac called Notorious, well I guess we could have seen that one coming. I mean sheesh what 64 year old man hasn't done that? Either way, his list of accomplishments builds like an eager slave laborer.
What a Man Indeed!

I just blasted "Everytime" by Britney Spears in the office. We all feel closer now. It's so sensitive.

Also- click here to watch Robbie Williams shake about his floppy bunny. So yes, there is nudity in this link.

Louis Vuitton bags are ugly.

Yet there's entire Chinese families who eat because they can make a living selling imitation plastic near authentic versions of them on Canal St. And as stupid as the tourists and people-who-might-be-good -hearted-but-have-poor-fashion-sense -so-I-look-down-on-them-and -dismiss-them-entirely-solely-because
-of-their-terrible-taste look, they look a whole lot less stupid than the girls with real ones. Why? Because these girls spend hundreds, if not thousands of dollars on the real fucking thing!

Really. They might as well go to an art supply store and purchase the fattest marker they can find and right "freakin idiot" right on their moisturized little foreheads because that purse is effectively doing the same thing. Ok, so you really spent what is equivalent to my entire paycheck on some little bag- that isn't even cute. My god. Yes, I have opened up a real designer bag and felt bits of ecstacy at the smell of that fine soft leather (yes there's nothing greater than the tanned dermis of dead animals), the intimate detailings, and the sweetness of the careful stitching. But at the end of the day I am not paying 100s of dollars to have a glamourous place to shove my tampons (my dear I've already got a more glamourous place for those). Not only that but I carry around this beautiful all leather vintage 80's black purse that's just gorgeous. It cost me 25 bucks. And before that I had this great brown leather purse, that was actually a fake prada, but you could hardly see the word prada on it and was simply a great looking real leather bag, for 20 bucks. Now that's smart and sexy.

Do like I do ladies. Stop being dumb as reeboks. If you're going to splurge on an item, first of all, make sure it's actually cute instead of looking like these raging ugly purses that have no style and are only pushing their brand and stand as a symbol purely to communicate the amount of money you're willing to waste, or if it's fake, how desperate you are to have the next best thing even if it looks like a vinyl turd. Second of all, make sure that the cheaper version of this item isn't actually a hundred times cuter and more interesting. Shop better. Look, I've even tried to help. Vintage and places like Marshalls, Century 21, Daffys, Loehmans and Filene's are the best kinds of places for purses.


Nothing says "check out my ugly" better.
Well, maybe this:

Old people hugging a tree in love. Yechhh.


PS- Apparently they've re-aired my episode of Elimidate. Yes, that was me on that show, it was filmed in the summer of '04, yes I am over that evil exboyfriend, yes I did find out he was cheating on me by reading his email, and yes it was extremely weird and embarrasing how upset I got on that show. The producers really fuck with your head on reality shows and I understand why people come off as crazy because they put all kinds of ideas in your head about the other people and edit you weird and manipulate the situation.

Not Yet

I have been receiving some extremely vigorous advances from men in their 30s in the past year. Growing all the more vehement when I don't devour their bait. Which makes me wonder, does something magical happen on a man's 30th birthday?

Now don't get me wrong, I like people in their 30s, and I'm not terribly far from it. But I notice that I've become a shiny little trophy, and that the thirtysomethings like to wrestle for the prize. They seem to take interest in the 24 year old with just enough pedigree to please their mommies, as most of this lot likes to tell me just how much their mother would like me. Perhaps they are holding onto a happier time, when being a bachelor was cool- ah the roaring 20's . . . and they'd like to tell all the world- hey, I can still get me a fresh out of college specimen that looks good in tight jeans.

These type have a little more bank and connections with which to bait me. They offer me fancy connections with countless individuals on the brink of fame and importance. They even offer timeshares and bonus His and Hers watches if I act now without delay. Their lives are near complete but they're just missing that special something- ah yes, the younger woman. And it's good to get them when they are younger than you- that way, no matter how smart, pervasive, or always right she is, you'll always have the upper hand of life experience.

Sexy is ageless. But -

I say no thanks to the older man and embrace the mid to late 20 year old, so long as I am one as well. For he has been watching just about as many sunrises, and discovering the same phase of life that we can share together. Me and the mid to late 20 year old have much in common. Hand in hand we go as we begin to assert a new independence from our parents, still live in cramped apartments with roommates, pay off college loans, gripe about the weak economy that met us post-college, work off our freshman 15s, and split the bill with our meager wages. We still drink glamorously and look good in ripped up jeans. Leave us be, thirtysomethings. We're not better than you, just different. Go pick on someone your own size. Though I commend your persistence. I am sure you will have success if not with me. People do seem to like money and fame. And it's rather amusing when you try your hardest to hold it over my head.

Interview with Brian K Vaughan

Brian K Vaughan, writer of Ex Machina, Runaways, Y the last Man and a whole bunch of other stuff, gave me a moment of his time for heatherfink.com to answer a few pressing questions. You can check out his website here: http://www.bkv.tv/

1. You've recently optioned the movie rights of Ex Machina to New Line Cinema. What do you think is your best line of defense against them making it suck?

Well, I'm writing at least the first draft of Ex Machina, and I'm in talks to be more involved with the Y movie, but at the end of the day, there's really nothing I can do to prevent the movies potentially sucking ass. I hope they won't, and there are great people involved in both movies, but there are a million places where either could go wrong. Still, there's nothing anyone can do to take the comics away from me, and since the original work is what matters to me most, I'll be fine, no matter what.

Plus, fame and fortune is fun, rumors to the contrary.


2. Any casting ideas? I was thinking Peter Krause for Mitchell Hundred, even though he doesn't have black hair. (Justin Theroux wouldn't be bad either . . .)

Nah, I can only picture those characters as Pia and Tony have drawn them. I'll leave that stuff to readers, as they always have better ideas than I do.

3. Your work is very political. Are you simply interested in politics or do you have more of a political background that we don't
know about?

Well, my grandfather, David Borders Vaughan, was an Undersecretary at the United Nations, and my brother currently works for the Department of Defense, so I've always been interested in politics and government. But no, no personal background (though I was a finalist to appear on an HBO reality show that never materialized called Candidate 2012). I'm just a groupie.

4. How does the social life of a hip comic book writer compare to
that of some other accomplished entertainers?

Not favorably, I imagine, though I am going out drinking with Garth Ennis (note from Heather: The guy that writes the Preacher!!! That's like my favorite comic writer sandwich!!) tonight, which is more fun than doing blow in a Spago's bathroom or whatever (I'd imagine). But normally, I work seven nights a week, sleep all day, and drink only seltzer water at parties so I can be lucid for my gig. I'm like a poor, bald Bruce Wayne.

5. So you're a New Yorker at heart (me too- this place is great). What does that identity mean to you, and what's important to you about the integration of New York into your stories?
Along with my wife, New York City is the one person that I'll never get tired of living with, writing about, etc. It's all that matters.

6. Mitchell Hundred has this very Dagny Taggart (don't know if you
get this reference- Atlas Shrugged?) no bullshit impurity about him-
like his motivations come from a very pure and moral place. How do
you describe that characteristic in him- in any person?

Hm, I don't know. Mayor Hundred is much less of an idealist/moralist than I. He's still an engineer at heart, and his decisions are almost always based in cold logic and practicality. He'd make a shitty Senator, but he was born to be mayor.

7. Why is Mitchell Hundred so sexy?

Ha, you're just into guys with questionable sexual orientations, right?

8. Y the Last Man is littered with strong female characters- are
these based on any smart, special women in your life?

Absolutely. My mom, my sister, my wife, and a parade of ex's.


9. Could you name some favorite directors, artists etc- you know- the
type you tell other's they HAVE to check out?


Directors: Kubrick, Coen Brothers, Scorsese, Welles, old-school Spielberg, Polanski.

Authors: George Orwell was probably my favorite writer growing up, 1984 and ANIMAL FARM. Other books I dig, uh… CATCH 22, DAY OF THE LOCUST, FERMATA, AMERICAN TABLOID, KAVALIER AND CLAY.

Non-comics artists: Tom Friedman. Not the political columnist. I saw a show of his in Chicago a few years back. Most amazing stuff I've ever seen.

10. In Y the Last Man, the last man on earth has a small penis. Why do you hate women?


Hey, he didn't have time to chump up! And... and maybe he's a grower, not a show-er! And, I mean, he wasn't THAT small... was he? :(

I, Ickybot

I watched a lot of HBO On Demand this weekend as I was feeling under the weather and I had to get my damned On Demand money's worth! My favorite was I, Robot. Man that comma is stupid, but I liked the movie. Second fave of the weekend was Door in the Floor, Jeff Bridges is super cool. Also surprised that I liked Vanity Fair, didn't like Elephant. Anyways. After I watch movies I like to imdb and rottentomatoes them. I wanna see what other people thought. I was horrified by what I discovered on the imdb page for I Robot. People think that Sonny, the robot, was sexy. I do not want to know what they will do with theirs. I simply cannot accept this. I can accept that other people do all kinds of crazy things with their butts and stuff, but not this. Lusting after a CGI robot. So frightening. It makes me feel like a shivering kitten inside.

Walking into work this morning I thought of what lies ahead for the week. In my mind I was thinking of all the work-related things I wanted to accomplish. I thought to myself, well, it sure isn't simple promoting the image of a porn star.

But it's been a great morning. The cold that I felt looming has dwindled, and first thing I was met with presents! My boss just got back from a trip and he spoiled me with a Pashmina and all kinds of little presents. He likes to give me makeup and clothes. I think he likes to dress me up. And I don't mind. But that's not all. One major cable tv show wants to do a special on us and they are meeting with us this week! How cool! They saw us in Time Out NY and took and interest. So who knows, maybe I'll be on your small screen again . . . this time no crying ;)

Daniel Craig as Bond just proves how stale that series has become. Not sexy enough. Not brooding enough. Clive Owen baby. He's the only one debonair enough of this generation's guys. I suspect he might have turned it down. He seems to make better script choices.

There's a Vending Machine eating challenge at 218 Bowery tonight.

On a final note, I have been receiving a lot of emails and IM messages from people who come to the site lately since my traffic has increased. Some messages are welcome. Some are perverted and irritating. The only reason I have my IM there is largely because many people I know have gotten it that way. Among my friends I rarely think to ask- hey do you IM? So a lot of people I know have my name now cause they see it there and I like that. Anyhow. I'd like to say that just because I work for a porn company does not mean I am into all kinds of fetishes. Please stop asking. I also do not date people that I meet through the internet. It's just not romantic enough and I'm just not looking. But thanks for the interest. It's flattering, though some of it borders more on the disturbing side of the tracks. If you'd like to send me cool images of Arnold Swarzennegger blowing things up, or of ninjas, mutant ninjas, big sandwiches, or funny elevators, that's more than welcome.

I Feel Gubernatorial

Natalie Portman decided to look 40 years old and malnourished today. Damn that bitch has it made!

I saw Bobby Flay on the street a few minutes ago. As I recognized who he was I just smiled, looked him in the eyes and said "Yay". He laughed and walked on by. "Yay". I like his show and his food. Man, I shoulda said something cool like "Be my friend."

To quote Trent Reznor's Wikipedia article, as all cool people do,
"Reznor is believed to be involved in discussions regarding a musical version of the novel Fight Club."
Woah. Could they really fuse together 2 things I love so dearly? And to have Reznor's music live on stage with an Orchestra possibly!!!! Oh my god I love life dearly.

As I begin Volume 7 of Preacher, by Ennis, I have come to realize something. This is the most entertaining thing I have ever experienced. I like it better than any movie, tv show, book, website, music, painting, or live show. Preacher is so great and so impressive and awesome. And you can buy it on amazon.com . I reccommend that you buy Vol 1 and 2 (I actually didn't like it all that much until after the first half of Volume 1) first. It's brilliant.

Are Jews smarter? I don't know. But I do know that everyone on the Jewish side of my family got a 1500 or above on their SATs. The Dutch ones just knock about in their wooden shoes eating cheese and pickin Tulips all the live long day.

Both NJ gubernatorial candidates support Medical Marijuana. Cool I wanna be medical.

A Basket of Hope for the Holidays

Did you know that I set foot in a synagogue yesterday? I did. For Yom Kippur. It's a fact. And it filled me with the silent intimidation that only gym class and religious worship can instill. Ah yes, two areas in my life where I have been weak. Athletic activity and participation in organized religion are two areas where I feel like a foreigner. But recently I got over the athletic thing- the fear lies in trying to seriously participate in an athletic activity when other people can see me- with the kickboxing. So I figured it would be cool to take in some organized religion as well. And it was just fine. Not that I'll ever be that kind of believer. These are essentially my religious beliefs. But much like working in gay p*rn and seeing the inside of a world that goes on day by day that wasn't within my consciousness before- people do all kinds of things that I never see in places of worship. I like reminding myself of the world outside of my own.

So anyway I am half Jewish by heredity. So I half fasted. I didn't eat after sundown last night. But I ate me some soup and nuts this morning. Yum! My god I am being boring. Dammit.

So instead I'll be hopeful. Like Sartre.
This is a picture of Jean-Paul Mad Dog Sartre. He loved pounding 40s and loved Japanese baseball players. I'm pretty sure that's what he was famous for anyway.

Back to being Hopeful. Let me say a something about the future. In the future baskets, wicker, Easter, Fruit, and otherwise, will become far more important.

Also, at this point in the game, I've learned a lot. If any of you decide to go back, or have already read the first few months of heatherfink.com, you will see a sad, pathetic, desperate mess. I'd also add, an incomplete, struggling, empty, wretched little girl.

So about the future.

There's a lot of sad and miserable, hopeless people out there. I am a strong proponent of the power of human will. "Free" will is kind of what I am talking about but I'm entirely sure the extent to which I believe free will exists, but I know that the will does. And the sexiest part of the will is choice. There's at least some embodiment of the ability to choose in the human mind and it's really the main purpose of human existence- our distinguishing characteristic in comparison to all existence is the power to reason, and the next step as far as the practicality of reason lies in exercising choice/making decisions. And don't ever forget that you have that power.

Self-victimization is the laziest and most pathetic thing you can do. Losing hope and giving up and pitying yourself is indulgent. It has is value as a temporary therapeutic tool. If you are prone to always be in control and powerful within your own sphere- feeling victimized and weak and wallowing in all the sadness you can is extremely cathartic and helpful. But of course this is no way to live and when it overshadows your hope to choose to live differently- so much so that you feel you can't choose a better way to be alive.

That said- I have never hated my self and life moreso than last winter. And I'm about to say something that embarrasses me. Every morning when I woke up from about August- December 2004, I wished that I was dead. I would search on the internet about suicide, learning that people often seek it when they feel that their pain outweighs their ability to cope with that pain. Very insightful. I was sad and hopeless in so many ways. I was faced with the quarter-life crisis and despair of not knowing what to do with my life, and feeling so disconnected from any possible way to achieve my dreams, and I lost what I thought was the greatest love of my life- and was so heartbroken that I thought I would never be able to love or be loved again.

So yes, last year, about this time, I had to abruptly face that the life choice, years in the making- going to law school as a stepping stone to being a Congresswoman or whatever, was not happening. And my other dream, being a comedy writer, was too unattainable at the time. I was overwhelmed. Some tiny thing inside what felt like a dead shell of a person was fluttering with a little light- but it had no idea where to fly and where it wanted to go. All roads seemed vague. You cannot attack without a target.

And I'm not going to go over the events that took place between then and now. But all I am saying is that I was there. I would open my eyes, alone in a queen bed, which seemed like a vast oasis of open space, missing what I had, incapable of envisioning a hopeful future. Aware of the pain and failures of the world around me, thinking I'd rather not bother with all of it, as it seemed like a whole lot of bullshit. It seemed like I could release it all in one swift blow if I could just die. Yeah that's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I wanted to. I could say how I thought of carrying it out and why I didn't do it, but it's kind of off topic.

So I was there.
But now I'm here.

Here I am free. I am confident. I am happy. I am content. I am fulfilled but still hungry. And I did it my way.

Tyler Durden taught us that it's not until you lose everything that you are free to do anything.

Here I am now. Only 24. I love my friends, I do not feel alone. I love my job, I am finally applying my mind in a new and interesting way. I love my social life, and where and how I live. I am writing comedy and sharing it in various ways. I was able to do stand up. I was able to assert independence from my parents while at the same time maintaining a loving relationship with them. I feel good about my body and appearance, which I reclaimed from the freshman, sophomore, junior, senior and 1L "fifteen". And I am involved in a caring, intimate and positive relationship. I feel that the sky's the limit given what I've got on the table.

And so I offer you a simple fact. A year ago I felt so horrible that waking up was the most painful thing I faced every day. And now, I just never want the day or night to end.

Things change.

Heather Think

WISDOMLY ADVICE COMMENCE here:

Teeth make for better nife fights. Nifes are better than knives.

Music recommendations-
Best album purchases of the last year:
Arcade Fire- Funeral
Muse- Absolution

Songs of the week:
Jimmy Eat World- Disintegration
Orenda Fink- Do You Realize? (Flaming Lips cover)
George Harrison- Give Me Love
Cursive- Dispenser
Reggie and The Full Effect- Caving
Hot Hot Heat- Bandages
Mr. Bungle- Goodbye Sober Day
Shannon Wright- Hinterland
Pete Yorn- Closet

WISDOMLY ADVICE TRANSMISSION FEED END.

Dakota Fanning has recently been gallivanting around on a horse. Proving once again, that she is better than me. I am secure enough in myself that I am ok with that, but I wish our Lohan/Duffesque feud would end. If not my kickboxing skills will serve to make me feel better about myself via violence. Violence upon the pure blood of Dakota Fanning. It feels so wrong to say these things. God help my DF bloodlust.

DF Bloodlust . . . a new fragrance from Britney Spears.


BEGIN STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS:
Do I order the red folders or the black folders. Do they have them in silver? That would be nice. Oh, there's business card slots. Not sure about the 3 hole fasteners down the middle . . . then again, why not. Today's just that kind of day.

Clammy hands are sexy. If you're crazy.


Clip art people must be the loneliest people in the world.

Leather Pants Look Stupid On Men Who Aren't Rock Stars

dork alert
AKA How the fuck is this news? Britney Pulls Bra From Ebay
This one time I pulled my bra off through my sleeve cause I wanted to take off my bra but not my shirt. REPORT THAT SHIT CNN! CAN'T YOU SEE! I'VE BEEN IN TIME OUT NY! I AM A HUGE CELEBRITY NOW ADORED BY THE MASSES. WTF!!! BITCHES REPORT THAT COOL SHIT ABOUT MY BRA MANUEVERS IT'S AWESOME!

Which reminds me.

I had a nice weekend. Ever sit in a hot tub with 6 people in the pouring rain while drinking a beer that has some hot tub water in it? Well let me tell you I did that for my first time and it was great. Just excellent really.

And yo, if today's entry isn't packed with enough cool shit, you gotta check this out:
Cima's UTF-8 Magic Pocket Encoder/Decoder
The site says this was created as a joke. Well I'll say! Hoo it had me rolling around in hilarity for hours! Good one fellas!

Skills and Sweet Tricks

Get a clue from these cool dudes about who you should really be imitating.
I finally watched Napoleon Dynamite last night. Which I resisted with all my will. Yes it looked really funny in all those commercials. And way before him I loved tater tots and ninjas. Don't forget it was the ninja turtles and not Napoleon who enlightened our pop culture consciousness that nunchucks are great. I just COULDN'T FUCKING STAND the quoters! It was more disappointing to watch and then discover that people I knew said stuff that I thought was them being funny but was really just them quoting someone else being funny. WTF! You gotta cite that shit like bluebook (2 law school references in 2 days, what am I infected in the brain by devils like in Wu-Tang's Liquid Swords?) Anyways . . . I resisted it like I resisted Titanic. Talking about something too much does not make me want to see it. Like if a guy talks about what hot shit he is, I'm not gonna care . . . like, like- man enough similies-please

It was clever. But the non specific timing confused me cause they had the internet and other stuff. Was it just in the present but in the mid-west where people are supposedly in a backwards timewarp? Not that I've been there but that's the rumor. What I really liked was how Napoleon was honestly dorky. At times, totally unlikable. Like when he pretended that glamourshots girl was his girlfriend. A real hero dork character wouldn't lie like that. But he was real, not trying to win you over, just being extremely quirky. I liked moments like these. John Hederer did an excellent job with the character as well and I'm sure brought it to life in step with the writer's vision. It was silly and low key and I think it's a good movie to have in your vocabulary if you're writing a comedy movie in this day and age. It capitalizes on a fresh style, similar to the royal tennenbaums but much less glossy. So my review? - Not bad.

Links:
Being embraced by the gay community feels nice: My mention on Queerty.,
and The Onions' Women Have To Stop Starving Themselves Past The Point Of Hotness

Dammit Joey, Heal My Sins!

Isn't that neat that Katie Holmes is having an immaculate scientology conception? Holmes is soooo the new Mary, don't you think?


Sooo my site has been getting a lot of hits from, if ya haven't seen it yet,
Click here to see my page in Time Out NY.
But now I've got some performance anxiety. You people are all looking at me! Ok Heather, don't lose your cool . . . you like the attention . . . remember? This is so much better than Pennoyer vs Neff! (weak ass law school joke)

For those of you with curiosity about what I do, might I redirect you here:
About my job,
And here's where I talk about being a writer,
and this is from this one time I threatened my hard drive.
Anyone else got any posts you really liked? Perhaps I'll make a list.

Ah I can feel the buzz, a soft excitement of the day, vibrating through the atmosphere like a fever pitch (I don't know what fever pitch means but yeah that sounds right- please exclude any Jimmy Fallon associations). They are shooting today on a very lovely set in our 6th floor studio. Damn that fake living room looks stylish . . . and I'm really excited for the make-up artist we are using today. He's one of them there pro's with the fancy skillz. I think I want to watch the prep but there's no way in hell my eye balls are ready to see any action. Lord knows what viewing the occasional wrong email has done to me. Chicken salad sandwiches and photos of saggy balls are a surprisingly ill-paired match.

Speaking of Jimmy Fallon, Mo Pitkins is a cool place. Went there the other night right after the mascara incident to meet with my cousin and a lovely group (photo to be updated soon).

And remember how I said I made my knuckles bleed in kickboxing? Well now I know why. I was punching wrong. I sure gave my little pinky a hell of a time. Now I think my wrist is my next victim. Nonetheless, I still think kickboxing is cool! It just takes me to those special movie places, Fight Club, Rocky, MD Baby, the Predator! One day I hope to battle my alien equivalent in strength while covered in mud. I think I am honestly obsessed with Schwarzenegger's old Sci Fi flicks. That and the comic books Preacher and Ex Machina. Not to fear though, my gender identity is not entirely in shambles. I love lip gloss and high heels as well. Just not Win a Date with Tad Hamilton or Sweet Home Alabama.

P.S.- I'd like to mention, we are hiring a few assistants, if you're qualified as a photo or pr assistant, please email press@lucasentertainment.com. And also, though we recently hired a few new interns, I could always use more. Thanks ;)

The Furious Battle over the Gays, Not Without Its Casualties

The Battle Over Gay Teens, this week in Time Magazine.

We got Harvel Keitel in the left corner. (Not to be watched while having sex. Heed my warning, if you are having sex and have left the tv on, and Harvey Keitel is in what ever you are watching, TURN IT OFF. You can't do it. His image in Cathode Ray Tube format kills boners and makes things uncomfortably squishy, just take it from me- ok.)

Harvey "The Boner Killer" Keitel is battling over the gay teens cause he wants them to jump around in his recently built entertainment center on Ventura Blvd somewhere in California. He built this mega-million mega-ton entertainment complex in 1947 hoping to reign in on the gay teen media fun market industry. Over-stepping the mediocre publicity campaign of his staff, he hopes to single handedly draw them in with his might and fists- if not with the complex's brightly lit "Hairgel Tent" and the 24/7 running nude musical production of Reservior Dogs.

In the right corner we've got the staff of Ford Motor Company. Research proves the undisputed fact that gay teens manufacture the best quality American automobiles. The infamously relentless staff of Ford Motor Company will stop at nothing to tap into the rich well of skilled automotive production at stake in the battle over gay teens. Says Edna Figgers of Human Resources, "Come Hell or Harvey Keitel, the sweet sweet honeypot of gay teen labor will be ours! I will chew his neckflesh if I have to."

(No I haven't read the article. But duh, that's obviously what it's about.)

I don't really want to hurt you, sir.

Boy George just yelled at me. I am too tired and out of it this morning to deal with it really. I get a phone call at work:
Me: "Heather Reznor"
Voice on Phone:"Boy George"
Me: "No, this is Heather Reznor".
Him: "Boy George . . . What, Heather?"
Me: "Yes?"
Him: (unintelligible angry complaining)
Me: Um, can I help you?
Him: (unintelligible complaining and a request for me to send him something)
Me: Ok sir, perhaps you can email me your name and address and I can send it over?
Him: Bloody hell, can't you just messenger it over?
Me: Your name?
Him: This is Boy George
Me: Ooh, oh. Sorry I didn't realize why you were saying Boy George.

Interview with friend/artist Brian Montuori:
Brian Montuori: How dare you try and simplify my work on such a trivial level? I can't work like this, this interview is over.
Brian at CRG Gallery.

I saw Claire Danes perform in this yesterday. It was based on Andrew Wyeth's Christina's World- which I enjoyed with a friend who shares my love of "Preacher", in which the main character enjoys the painting while sitting back, smoking a cigarette, and seeing it in MOMA. Now I am not really all that into "interpretive dance", nor do I think much of the audience was. Nonetheless, it was fairly moving as I felt something in my cold black heart, a near impossible feat of achievement on behalf of Ms. Danes. Honestly, the pleasure was not so much in the meaning of the dance, but in what a striking performer she is. She embodied the idea of body as instrument. She is such an amazing dancer. The entire dance was extremely challenging and pretty damn long at that. It said she took 15 months studying dance for this and she hadn't danced since she was a child. In the program she thanked Billy Crudup. Heh . . . that famous s.o.b. Anyways, the way she looked in this dance, aside from people who I have loved, she was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. Seriously, she was so so beautiful. Her entire body moved so carefully and perfectly as she danced about someone who was handicapped. Each muscle was so strong, in perfect form and shape. She looked so feminine and so powerful at the same time. Her hair, her every movement was so alive and inspired. She was able to dive so deeply into something- as each movement was so purposeful and important. It was really cool to watch. Everything became beautiful, her hair, her eyes, her hands. She spoke a few words too. And they packed so much force behind them. Ms. Danes then personally captivated me. The was one part where she walked really close to the audience. I was sitting in the front row. She didn't smile the entire time. She looked me square in the eye. It made me smile and laugh a kind of silent laugh, and so she smiled back at me in the same way. It was such a strange moment and I am not sure why she did it. She didn't do it to anyone else. But my god, she is mesmorizing. Definitely born to be a star. (Billy Crudup is really hot. So here's a pic of the two in Stage Beauty)
NYC article about it.

College Wit on Academic Badasses. This sort of behavior reminds us how silly the things we do are. Being told what to do all the time gets tiring, after all.

I finally punched hard enough to make my knuckles bleed during kickboxing. That makes me feel like I am a cool person.

PS- My site is new and different, but I lost all my old comments. I am working on that though . . . enjoy izzle. Created with the assistance of webtastic Patrick and the photography of Ms. Kate Shafer.