Saturday, December 30, 2006

Saddam

I think this whole deal with the US turning Saddam over to Iraqi custody is really weird and sets a crazy/strange precedent. It's like we're this all big n better than you super civilized democracy and then we get all barbaric when it's convenient for us. I'm certain this was a well-crafted loophole. I mean the fact that we had and captured him as the world superpower we are is a little extraordinary, but to see that after his trial which was as song-and-dance as government gets, we put him into the hands of people we know will barbarically execute him is amazing.

Now I am not saying whether or not he deserved it. This isn't a discussion of the fact that this guy is an awful bad man and he deserved awful bad punishment for his crimes.

I'm just saying from a legal standpoint here when it comes to the UN or international law in general, that there really isn't any law and there isn't anything more powerful than the rule of states, ours in particular. Saddam's execution is a modern and dramatic example of how unevolved international law is since for better or for worse we can manipulate it with this kind of outcome so easily.

I think historically this is huge and will hang over the heads of international relationships for a long time. Is this an example of western and arab nations working together or against each other? That's what I want to know.

Anyhow it's interesting to see this whole thing play out along my life time. I remember being in 4th grade and seeing dartboards with Saddam's face on it. How disconnected we are as people from world problems yet how amazing is it that we share the language of who is evil and who is good. The gulf war began from remnants of the cold war and that's when wars became more about America asserting it's economic interests and propaganda on the world versus prior wars over territory and cultural domination. I think the fight against Al Queda is really similar to our fight against communism and it ultimately comes from the same place.

Fuck why am I typing this now? Because David ordered a bottle of wine at dinner.

I gotta go to sleep. I think I might have accidentally given myself a black eye. There's at least a little cut. I really hope I don't wake up with a black eye. Ok good night.

Friday, December 29, 2006

OMG almost no more 2006! SUSPENSE.

I made some year end reflections: Mathematics of a Year
Last Year's welcome to 2006.

Found on Youtube:
Ness Jenkins, The Face of a Killer


It's time for a vote- A Princess Vote!

A)

B)

C)

Hurry the poles close soon!

Tuesday January 2 at Mo Pitkins catch me n Brandy doing sets at Chicks N Giggles.

Check out this new show:
Street Meat
www.StreetMeatComedy.com
The fantastic new LES show hosted by Adam Newman, Carlen Altman and
me. Comedy mixed with real folks from the street! Everything from
scientologists in the subway to flute players in the port authority.
Yay!
At Cake Shop
152 Ludlow
FIRST SHOW:
Mon Jan 8
8pm
This show will feature Dave Hill, Carlen's Mom and her glowworm,
Trevor Williams, and another special street guest. Comedians either
do material about street vendors/performers or they get up on stage
and pretend to be one and then we interview them in character.

And Carlen from Street Meat did this really great little funny show, watch it here:
Carlen Versus.
And here's an outtake- Carlen's Mom with her glowworm.

And the next Sexytime is Jan 19 ... wooo hooo.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

There's just some things you know.



I am really in love with my Bear Hands. They are the best thing I bought since I started wearing pants. HA! Man. As if I didn't wear pants at some point. That would really be CRAAYYZAY.


I LOVE THIS

I am really excited to spend a mere 50 bucks so I can shoot guns on 20th St. What a convenient way for me to try something I've been dying to try for a long time now. I really really hope I don't suck at shooting guns. I think I'd feel badly about myself and it would really impact my self esteems.

As for iPod action, I started downloading all the songs I used to sing in voice lessons. I knew they were arias but I didn't realize they were mostly operas. I like opera. And I like to sing opera. But I guess that's the problem as to why I didn't want to pursue it. I don't really like the idea of being an opera singer. It doesn't seem remotely fun. My voice is so out of shape though. It makes me feel kind of sad singing along cause it just don't work the way it used to.

The Good Shepard is a movie that seems really awesome at first- and then completely sucks. You keep waiting for the payoff, and it doesn't come. I really really wanna see Children of Men and Little Children. It's all about them Children titles, isn't it now?

My cellphone stopped working on xmas eve and it's all punked up. I will get a new one, but in the meantime, it shuts off when I don't tell it to, and also deletes my texts.

And finally, I am aware that the things I have typed herein are vapid peices of reflection, but unfortunately there's all too much unmentionable drama in my private life. Not like I just got an abortion and subsequently lit a building on fire while peeing my pants and laughing hysterically. Just, well, the things going on in my mind about family, work, and social life are full of unmentionables. Let's just say I've got a lot on my mind and a lot of things are happening.

Oh, one other thing I realized ... one thing I really like about dating is taking a new stranger into my world to absord the drippings of all that's going on around me, and then having him walk away with it. There's something I love so dearly about letting in the ears of those who I haven't really let in. There's something I love so dearly about new people and all the new adventures this city lends itself to. I know that's pretty ordinary of me, but still, I love it. Part of my choice in who to date is doing that with someone I am ok with walking away from me. Some of these folks become my friends in the end so it depends, but there's always that gamble and that risk. There's just some folks who I know are better off without the likes of a lady like me. Not that I think I'm all terrible. Just intense. I'm certain that I'd make some men puke their brains out were they to attempt to swallow me.

Saturday, December 23, 2006

Holiday Greetings from your friends at Bubble Bath Babes.


P.S. I Love Babes.

Sexytime had its smallest crowd yet but I really loved the show. The audience was really positive and great and all the performers kicked ass. I kinda felt the love. Christian Finnegan couldnt have been cooler about our lack of large audience. He seemed to sincerely enjoy doing his set and had a good time. Margot and Micah were also delights. It was Wolkin's bday so we invited him to the stage as well and he enjoyed that. I well appreciated his yogurt cup sex noises. Had to be there people, had to.

- David Rees' brilliant Get Your War On has been adapted to the stage.
- Big tip I probably shouldn't share cause I don't want any of you poop heads bogarting my chances at getting a ticket:
THE ARCADE FIRE
performing five nights in a special intimate setting!
FEBRUARY 13-17, 2007
JUDSON MEMORIAL CHURCH
55 Washington Square South
between Thompson St. & Sullivan St.
On Sale Fri Jan 5 at 9 AM through TICKETS.COM
- Carlen Altman, my new Street Meat comedy collaborator, and her project with Vice TV!

Thursday, December 21, 2006

After a storm comes an even larger clam, and then, well, you know. A larger storm.

Last night I saw Casino Royale. It had really strong dialogue, made me want to travel, and it was VERY well made, BUT I just don't find Bond all that interesting. I recommend it as a solid piece of entertainment, but to me it's kind of like a football game. Football games happen all the time. One team wins, the other loses, sometimes they tie. Each game is its own drama in itself, but they all seem the same to me. That's how I see Bond and TV shows like CSI or Law and Order- it can be well done and all, but meh ... just not capable of showing me something interesting that I am gonna care about. Like robots or swords (i.e. Terminator, Kill Bill).

Loved this character played by Eva Green EXCEPT for when she got all weak and cried like a dumbass. She is a hard ass spy, there's no crying in being a hard ass spy. And there's most especially no showering in your fancy outfit, shaking your head like you're in the damn Crucible or something.

Afterwards I was at an eatery and the sound of Alan Rickman's sly, bellowy voice soothed and comforted me the way only Rickman can. Not because he was on the telly in the background, but because he sat with a table of friends behind us and his dinner conversation carried over. I liked it.

In my life lately, I've been dealing with grown men who act like a bunch of little baby sissy boys. I always find it humorous/disturbing when grown people result to childlike behavior such as being "tattle tales", gossiping and getting all catty. That's all I am going to say about that.

Ok, Sexytime is tomorrow night. Git your tickets now! It's going to be a kick ass time and fun for all.
Also, tomorrow Margot Leitman is performing on Sexytime. Check out her insightful essay on fuck buddies up at Hello Hilarious.

Check it:

These are my boys. I have the most bestest interns in the whole wide world, and here's 3 of them! They posed for my blog but I wasn't sure if they wanted their names out there so I'll just tell you about them otherwise. One of them spoils me and brings me treats even though I tell him it's really not necessary. It's not, but man a lady does love herself some treats! He's the perkiest fellah out there and a ball of energy always great at cheering up. Then another one is my new assistant. He's hilarious and a smarty pants. He goes to a fancy school and studies fancy things. He's even gone out drinkin with me on occasion and I love it! Another one is the sweetest thang I ever did meet. He goes to school upstate so he's only with us over the summer and on holiday break. He's really cute and doesn't know it. And another one who's not pictured here started out as an intern and now has an office job. He's like a friendly, gay, asian version of Daria. His dry, intelligent humor is appreciated on a daily basis. My office attracts a lot of great people because for gay dudes, it's a great place to meet other cool gay dudes. Plus it can be a fairly fun and entertaining place. Anyhoo this is a hoooray for my boys. They are one of my most favorite things and I love when they are around. I try to be a nice boss lady even though I ask them to do boring stuff sometimes. But I don't want to do that stuff. So they most certainly have to.

PS-

Moreover, I am co producing a new comedy show with Adam Newman and Carlen Altman at Cake Shop called "Street Meat". We mix crazy lunatics off the street and subways (street performers, scientologists, flute players, whacky vendors- you name it) and comedians who are invited to perform what they would perform if they were a a street performer or vendor. And it will be interspersed with sketch and verbal banter btwn Adam, Carlen and myself. The first show is January 8th at Cake Shop on the Lower East Side!

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

The Holidays Are Coming!



The holidays are coming and I want to propose a special challenge to those of you out there in the world in your warm homes, sitting smug, high and mighty atop your throne like couches, a beer in hand and loved one in the other, reading your fancy tv guide magazines, day dreaming about all the spiced puddings you will eat and the turkeys you will smoke in the privacy of your elephant like bedrooms. I ask that you break free from your hodge podge ways and rise above the cozy, familiar world you know, yes rise. Rise so high that you see your world anew and open your mind to thoughts that scarce enter your frontal lobes. And think. Think about those less fortunate, like Anderson Cooper who still hasn't made it to network news, or Kevin Spacey who once did the movie, KPax. Think harder and squint your brains till you push out a thought about those who are no longer with us, such as Lynn Peters of Decatur Michigan who died of arm cancer yesterday who I am not sure even exists because I made her up. And now think harder ... pose questions in your mind such as, "Why do I exist" "What can I do to be a better person?" and "What can I get Heather for Christmas?"

And then be grateful because in this moment of clarity I am able to transcribe my very wants this holiday season.


I'd really like a bunch of this hot sauce. You can never have enough and I always think to myself "Hmm, I wish I had this in my apartment. I would put it on everything, really, every single goddamn thing."


I want these people reading my website. They are the ones that really get me and appreciate the finer qualities of my writing in the very way that I hope for as I sit, dilligently stroking my keyboard keys like they were my babies and I haven't seen them in a long time since "the accident".


I want anything from Agent Provocateur. My life would be so much better if my gennies were covered in something worth 300- 1000 dollars. Oh and if you buy me these pantsies, please buy me a mirror.


I would much like to wear them and stare at myself for hours. My crotch is my favorite thing in the whole world. To me it is more beautiful than a sunset or the miracle of life. I would place the mirror near the thousands of photographs I have taken and framed of my crotch which I have already hung on the walls of my bedroom so that I am surrounded by it's endless love at all times.


And finally, I want you to promise me that you will never leave me. We were meant to be together like this mermaid and this centaur.

Happy Holidays. I hope you and your family don't die or anything like that.
Booo
I'm feeling all sick and so I am not doing my show tonight for Chicks N Giggles. Be back with blog update later.

Monday, December 18, 2006

New Comedy Shows!

Yikes ... I am a bonerface cause I didn't realize till today that I am doing Chicks n Giggles tomorrow at Mo Pitkins. It's holiday themed so I am gonna try and think of something tonight rather than do old stuff.

Here's about tomorrow:Tuesday, December 19 @ 8 pm
CHICKS AND GIGGLES: Holidaze!
Mo Pitkin's
34 Ave. A (2nd/3rd)
FREE!

PLUS there's sexytimes coming up.

This Friday 12/22 at 11pm go to Mo Pitkins!
There you will find lots of great stuff like Christian Finnegan, Margot Leitman, Micah Sherman, and Nina Hartley! See details at www.SexytimeComedy.com

Future Sexytimes include:
Jan 19, 11pm
And then we move to the upstairs stage starting in February!
Feb 16, midnight
Mar 16, midnight

Oh and I have a new show at Cake Shop starting January 8. More details to come.

Friday, December 15, 2006

last minute show!

See me tonight, 11:30, at the Laugh Factory in NYC.

PS- In this month's Elle, a lil pic that includes my face in it.

You know, if you're into that sort of thing ... what sort of thing? ... you know, faces.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

The nature of what I can only term as a “busy New York lifestyle”, where I have my weeks almost entirely mapped out, where evenings are doubled booked in parts where one half is dedicated to one thing, and the later half to another … well, it causes some mild discomfort and a burning, itching sensation that is not between my legs (for once). Sure, there’s something innately fancy feeling about being “too busy” for this and that, prioritizing and turning things down. But the unsettling feeling that comes from never having enough time for the simple things – laundry, writing, hanging up my clothes, shooting the shit with friends- all the comfort that comes with the ordinary elements of living, well- I’d easily trade that feeling of douchy self-importance for all of that- most especially the ability to truly absorb all the things happening on a daily basis.

I feel surrounded by rough edges and feel as though everything is leaking, dripping, seeping slowly.

I don’t feel like my life is spiraling out of control.

I don’t feel like I can’t handle it.

Just … drip, drip, drip … a sound I can’t ignore … the ever present threat of overflowing fountains.


PS- Shoes

and

I perform tomorrow(Thursday)
Grandma's Candy Box
BAR NONE on 3rd Ave between 12 th
and 13th streets. Show starts at 9:30pm.
THE SHOW IS FREE. THE DRINKS ARE $2.

Oh dear diary

it's been so many days, where do I begin?



Links about last night's event.
- Fleshbot/gawker
- Patrick McMullan
- Sheeps
- Adam Newman
- Wow Report

Last night we had the red carpet premiere of the rated R version of La Dolce Vita. I've never put together an event of this scale before so I was basically really nervous every second that I could pull it off. My boss is a tough customer and very quickly lets me know when I've screwed something up. And I couldn't screw this one up. There were all these little things I didn't think of, like ... wait a minute ... these people will be here for a while around dinner time- they need food! And so there's no decent day-of catering places at good prices so I ran to Dean and Deluca (would have much preferred Trader Joes but it's not located close enough to the venue) and put together some plates with whatever odds and ends I could muster, we made little programs, figured out how to bring 200 large swag bags to the location, figured out how to get an actual red carpet there, checked on rsvps, needed mix cds for reception, rigged the screen and projector (I didn't do that), blah blah blah boring stuff.

And then I felt even more nervous because I have a small role in the film as a tv reporter and I knew that people would see me and I feel more like a behind the scenes person here than an in front of the camera person (I usually like to separate my Fink and Reznor identities ... Fink likes the stage and the camera very much so, Reznor's just tryin to do her job).

Well, it went very well and we pulled it off. It was such an unusual event and I was really nervous about how the crowd would respond to the movie- once again, this thing is about an hour and half with all of the naughty stuff taken out so it's like a real movie. Well they were all very loud and uproarious like it was Showtime at the Apollo. Lots of silly comments, laughter and clapping. What surprised me the most is that the crowd went nuts when I was on screen! It made me so squeemish- my boss does not like to be upstaged! Fortunately he was the focus of the whole event and the film so I think he was pleased and he saw how much everyone enjoyed everything. Anyhow I guess people responded so positively to me on screen because I deal with all the press and Michael's friends all the time so maybe it was fun for them cause they all know me or something ... so yeah, I am officially an adult film star, without showing any skin- who woulda thunk?

In the end I asked Michael, Are you happy? And he said yes, and he meant it. Sigh ...

Things that went wrong:
- We were supposed to give out Savanna Samson's wine after the event- they ran out super fast and I heard they charged 3 bucks! Bastards!
- I'm really annoyed at some people who complained that they weren't invited to this thing AFTER the event- like hours after. Why couldn't they think to say something beforehand so they don't get their panties in a bunch?

But that's pretty much it as far as I'm concerned. People had a good time and liked their fancy swag bags and so that's good. I think some good press is to follow in the next few days so humph. All's well that ends well.

La Dolce Vita
-----------------

Moving on, highlights from the weekend:
Went out in Lower East Side Friday night. Was at this place called "Belly" on Rivington and they played good music and old hippy videos from I dunno what but it was neat. And then to my surprise a lady stripped down to her underpants and started dancing around. It was unusual given that it was a very ordinary bar. Later that evening I got myself a really great cubano sandwich and returned at the end of the night for flan to-go which I ate in my bed, very pleased with its tastiness.

Saturday I met up with some old college buddies. One very interesting fellow in particular, mister TJ Miller, who I hated in college. Actually, does your mind sometimes mix up memories from the past? Like you only fully wrap your head around parts and gists of things but not such a things' true essence? Well um, I did that I guess. I had completely forgotten about a time when we were "real good" friends and various fun that was had many years ago. I did remember doing a scene with him in an acting class and it being rather lovely ... but most details were lost to me.

I specifically remembered hating him. There was one comedy group in college- it was pretty good and they did all the things I was BORN ta do- and one person from my year that was chosen to be in that group and it was him and not me and that really pissed me off. Especially since I tried out the next year and didn't make it again, was told it was cause they didn't want a lady that year, and a sub par individual was in the group instead. BALLS. I think I blamed it on TJ but now that I am older, wiser, and less of a douchebag (kinda maybe I hope?) I realize that's not fair or accurate. Man what a baby I was ... And when I talked with him on Saturday he flat out said- yeah dude, you were mean to me ... Sheesh. I guess that's what happens when someone gets in the way of Ms. Fink's raging ambition. And knowing that is a little embarrassing. Like when I read old blog entries I wrote 2 years ago. I think a lot of them are idiotic and foolish. One learns a lot every year, eh?

Anyhow. I got really really wasted and drank lots of whiskies and had a nice time. Plus I really respect TJ's comedy- he's runnin about being a comedian same as I, and it's much nicer to be friends with such an individual. Plus we had lots o fun. And later that night I puked a lot (too many whiskies, so little absorption?)

Sunday I enjoyed Shayna's "I'm going to Asia" brunch, parked my car in Hoboken, went to an antique store and got some treats (including a beautiful and fancy old costume jewelery necklace which the old lady told me "would take me anywhere" so I'm fairly certain it's magic because things usually are when old ladies say things like that about them), caught the relatively boring movie, "Stranger than Fiction" and was impressed by the acting of Will Ferrel and Emma Thompson, and had Shabu Shabu with Mr. Gregor.

Ok diary, have a nice day and don't choke on any clams. I just have this awful feeling that you will choke on clams today. Call it my sixth sense. RIGHT NOW I DEMAND THAT YOU CALL IT THAT.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Sorry

I have been a bad girl not blogging very well. I think I will have time tonight ...

Plus I heard I was in Elle Magazine (a picture) which is out today but I have not seen it. Fun. I like magazines and even moreso the idea of being inside of one. Did I tell you I auditioned to be in a Grand Theft Auto video game? It was neat. Ok TTYL.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Yo dudes um hey woah yeah I don't have a title

I remember back in the day The Spark used to be really funny. Space Ghost's website also used to be really funny from about 1999-2001.

Anyhow, I shall never forget the humorousis deeply embedded in this:
"Poor Spelling Children Pay Dearly for 'Letters to Satan'"

Here's some of the kids letters- but you should really click over and read the articulo.






Moving on- why not?

Free music from a Japanese clothing store? Sure.

Ok, that's all for now. I'm gonna down 5 Hot Toddies and get things DONE.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Ha!

This was just emailed to me:

Dear Heather,

I'm writing in response to your Boozang blog, which I stumbled upon only an hour ago. I regret to inform you that this woman's malfeasance was not limited to your experience. I graduated from the law school several years ago, and I can honestly say that Boozang was as disingenuous, vindictive, and nasty a person as I encountered in 21 years of schooling. I graduated from the law school, but she nearly destroyed both my career and my life.

Regarding this:
Karma Attacks!

Ha!
Ha.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

God Bless Thy Lower East Side Cowboy of Fury and Might

So here I am sitting in Cake Shop, overwhelmed by the hipness I'm immersed in and surprised at how instantly I've acclimated to my new living situation ... well not acclimated, I just love the lovely tone of that word and wanted to use it. I know the truth is that I'm simply surprised to be here. I've never been one to have my laptop in a coffee shop. I am not a coffee drinker and I am too lazy to get out of bed when I don't have to. My best writing takes place while in dirty scrubby old tshirts smelling of my night sweat while my face glistens of morning grease and is accented by the red ornaments of popped blemishes from the night before. And VH1 talking heads make fun of things I wasn't aware people cared about in the background. And the passing thought ... I could be one of those fucking people ... grrr ... scrolls through my mind like the mundane marquee script that must be shared by a thousand heads ...

But that's not now. Now I'm enjoying the fairytale. My free independent adventurous 20 something living on my own in New York fairytale, the picture that wasn't painted nearly complete by the NewYorkNearness of Hoboken, quaint, sweet Hoboken unfortunately lacks one very important quality: it is not Manhattan.

And so I feel extremely happy. I don't just like the Lower East Side, I idolize it like a celebrity, in that it embodies so many ideals for me- ideal bars, ideal food to eat, ideal people to be surrounded by, ideal outfits to see on the people in the street, because I am surrounded by people who know things because they care to know because they have not resigned to the anonymity of suburban life where no one sees what you wear or eat or drink really ... and New York City is for wild bursts of fun like weekends ... and now I have weekend every day.

New York isn't new to me. I've been having my fun here for years, but it's really quite another thing to be in the center of the place that I love more than anywhere. I love it more than New Jersey and more than Holland and I love New Jersey and I love Holland.

I had a very bad day. Yesterday and today. But I have a really wonderful life. And I am extremely grateful for it. And I will show my gratitude the only way I know how- by working hard to be certain that I've earned it and doing my best. I think that will do the trick.

There's certain people who think that I am not a good person. That hurts because I am trying. But the sort of person who would tell you that you are bad is bad for doing that.

But let's not get off topic here.

Actually, I need to stop. I think this coffee shop is

WOAH, I was about to make fun of this coffee shop, but just now an angry man in a cowboy hat just proclaimed "This fucking place sucks my ass", stormed out, and pushed the door really hard- which is hilarious because, well- he was "showing his badness" via door pushing, OMG fun! He just came in, went downstairs, and I heard a loud thing, and he came back up and pushed the door really hard twice this time!

Man, everything is gonna be alright.

Monday, December 04, 2006

IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM FINK

If you're not reading this website for entertainment purposes, but rather you googled me or are nosy or are some nosy gossipy family "friend" who thinks it's appropriate to judge and critize this site and have the nerve to SAY SOMETHING TO MY MOTHER TO UPSET HER- take a moment to realize that you are READING THE BLOG OF SOME 20-something girl/comedy writer. AND FEEL WEIRD ABOUT IT. This site is not for prying, nosy mofos who are interested in learning things about me you haven't come to learn yourself over time because we don't know eachother "in that way".

This site is not for anyone who could pick up a phone or get to know me in a real way, unless you are such a friend of mine and the blog enhances our friendship experience. I am not comfortable with family or people who I know in similar ways reading this so-
1. If you are such a person, and are reading this without saying "hi" at least and letting me know you are reading this- you are being creepy and should cut it out
2. I don't give a shit about your judgments. My writing and the maintainance of this blog has done so many positive things for me and afforded me a lot of great opportunities professionally and personally. For example, the last amazing job I was offered was largely because the employer loved my site.
3. "Gossip is the opiate of the people." Erica Jong
4. Apparently you are "disgusted" by some of the things I say. HELLO PEOPLE- HAVE YOU EVER HEARD EDDIE MURPHY, GEORGE CARLIN, DENNIS LEARY, DANE COOK, CHRIS ROCK, JOAN RIVERS, THOSE SOUTH PARK GUYS, BOB SAGAT, RICHARD PRYOR- And yes I am naming names you'll probably know- TO USE EXPLICIT LANGUAGE IN COMEDY WRITING IS SOMETHING THAT HAS WORKED WELL FOR YEARS. THIS IS NOTHING NEW. FUCKING GET THE FUCK OVER THIS FUCKING SHIT.

THE MAIN PURPOSE OF THIS WEBSITE IS TO ENTERTAIN THOSE WHO ENJOY IT AND THIS TYPE OF HUMOR.

If you don't like what I am saying here

do
not
read
this
website

Instead, why not try any of the internet's other fine offerings:
cnn.com
and if you really do like gossip- this site at least writes about it in an entertaining way
Defamer

Unrelated
PS- I LOVE MY NEW APT IN MANHATTAN! It's so full of awesome and I'm so excited I finally get to live right in the heart of my most favorite place ever.

Oh, and I've got a show tonight-
Minty Fresh
Monday Dec. 4
Mo Pitkins
34 Ave A
Sadies Lounge
8:30 pm

Thursday, November 30, 2006

dammit



These goddamned Oreos I am eating have no flavor. It's akin to a sexy person having no genitals. I goddamn hate it.

I wrote a press release today and there's an error. A stupid goddamned typo error. ARG. It's sent out into the place it goes. I can't get it back! Farts. I hope nobody notices and hates me.

How can one woman so obviously do this on purpose? And how can she get it so hair free with not one little red irritation? Are there some kind of kick ass lasers out there that the rich and famous get up in their snatchtopias?

I like Pamela Anderson. Kid Rock is a loser. I hope she shoves him into something unpleasant like cut open dead animals. She's cool and I liked her in Borat and V.I.P. and her articles in Jane. People assume she sucks cause she's hot and has tits like an amazing magical rhinocerous who has breast implants. But they are wrong. She's got personality and she seems pretty darn cool. I pray for Ms. Anderson to try doing it with someone cool and not nasty like her past lovers. I like bad boys too and if I were her I'd try doing it with both really super hot dudes and also boyfriend material boys. Is she crazy or do just douchebags try to date her? Oh fuck I've just put too much thought into someone I don't know. I need to stop.

And continue on with these shitty cookies.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

golf the pain away


Ok- so the weekend.
It started off f'ing great. My friend and incredibly funny comedian Jordan invited me to this once a year party thing thrown on T-giving eve. I went last year and there were tons of celebs, but this year was better for 2 reasons- I've gotten over my fear of celebrity (used to find it intimidating and nauseating and weird when I know who a person is and they don't know me), and the people there fucking kicked ass. Oh, and the whisky and the dancing (faves of mine). What was especially cool was that on top of the NY celebs I've seen around town, there were LA ones I've never seen before. Including these highlights:
- The hot dude from the office (american version)- who is SO HOT in person. He has skin like a magical baby.
- Ben Gibbard! I never imagined I'd see him at a party. He seems too emotionally fragile to drink.
- Matt Dillon and Ethan Hawke- 2 really hot older ny famous people. Didn't talk to Dillon but spoke Hawke and he is a really nice dude. (related item: Julie Delpy's Waltz in Before Sunset)
- Artie Lang- nicest famous people encounter ever. And to think that back in my porn hating feminist days I used to hate Stern and all of those on the show (don't any more). Might he do a Hoboken Comedy Night? Maybe :) fingers crossed anyways.
- Heather Graham, still hot, still lame.
- Jimmy Fallon- nice, cute, on coke. I think. Maybe he's just like that.
- Dave Attell- Really drinks like that.
And if you think I'm bragging- I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO. I'm still a nobody, and I'm not cunty or jaded enough NOT to care about meeting these sorts of folks. Please crown me in douchehooddom if I stop caring about such things.

Thanksgiving- nice. Fine. Lovely. Tasty. Family

Friday- Oh what a nice day! I set my mom up with an Ipod for the first time- taught her how to do all the ipody things she needs to do. Went to the hardware store and bought cool shit for the new apartment. It was lovely. UNTIL DINNER TIME.
DINNER OF DOOM
FAMILY FIGHT FROM HELL
ARG.
All fucking bloody piss and hell broke loose. What can I say? Me and my sister are opposites. I want to say I hate her but I can't because I don't. But maybe sometimes a little. I just want her to be happy, but not to actually have to spend time with her. Because it always turns into something awful. I can't explain it. I feel weird saying it. But if I can just say this- she voted for Bush. We're different. In every damn way. But we are both venomous little fighters. It's intolerable. And some people took sides. That hurt for me a good deal. I left.
And even so I think such things are normal and love my family.

That night I had a great time. Hit the driving range at Chelsea Piers with good company, saw Volver (it's AMAZING and Penelope Cruz must be nominated for Best Actress at the oscars. And it's funny. And listen to this clip of her singing- anyone know if that's her or lipsyncing? My word she is lovely.)

And on Saturday I was forced to be civil and pretend everything was ok and see my family at a thing on long island with extended family. And it was really extremely pleasant and forced me to be nice with them when I'd rather go on longer without speaking. But what also lifted my spirit a great deal was cruising down an unusually traffic-free LI Expressway in a good car listening to my music really really loud.

Later that night I saw a really really great comedy show with good friends and then Brandy had a party and I did my favorite thing- get wasted at Brandy's and get all belligerent. And then I crashed on her floor and woke up with an achy body. But it's ok. Because I like floors. Your pants on them. Your mom's pants that is.

Sigh. Exhausting weekend. I see NY Mag's topic of the week is burnout- I anticipate that. I have more on the calendar (not complaining though, it's stuff I look forward to) in December than I've had in any other busy month. Somebody order me a happy ending please.

Monday, November 27, 2006

mmmmm

Once there was this girl who.

Ok- so if there's some shit you have to know about me cause I beat it into your head it's that I'm Dutch and I love Trent Reznor. Well those are just 2 things. I beat a lot of things into people's heads cause I talk a lot, repeat myself, and have a violent disposition.

But oh god. When I watched the youtube video clip posted below, I moaned. Out loud. Like if you heard it you would think it was weird. Like I surprised myself. Like maybe it was creepy that I did it.

Mmmmmm, I like. A lot:
Click it (the visual quality is not good but the sound is decent)
It's not just Trent Reznor, it's Trent Reznor playing my new favorite song (non-entity) that I can't even get on CD yet (does that mean he's doing another album cause he wrote a new song, I hope I hope), and it's Trent Reznor with his super hot post-goth-90s-phase body and his perfect new little beard face, AND HE'S MAKING HIS GREAT WONDERFUL MUSIC WITH AN ORCHESTRA. WTF WTF WTF WTF OMG. So in love.

Check out more videos from his concert in October with live Strings. Click here!
I would pay ludicrous amounts of money to see him perform live with a live orchestra.

Speaking of which, I just got tickets to Calexico at the Allen Room. If that's anything as awesome as Sufjan and the Allen Room I am in for a treat. PS- Bad news, Mos Def's performance there in January is already sold out. Bollux and turds.

PPS- The only business card you'll ever need. For all your needs.

Yawn


exhausting action packed weekend
good and bad
much to tell
not right now
right now, check out sexytime lineup: www.sexytimecomedy.com

was talking about sexy men with boss (big surprise)
he likes alain delon
eurostuff
i like errol flynn
paul newman
scenes from tigerland
cowboys and jokesters
and my usual crushes: Trent Reznor, Peter Krause, Ron Livingston, Billy Crudup, Mike Patton hmmm. gotta get my mind out of the gutter and back into the gay porno ... focus focus be productive.

peace out.

Friday, November 24, 2006

This article just came out. Exit Weekly Magazine is a NJ thingy. Hobokeners can get it in places ... I like the article.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

The making of the fashion show, I'm kinda in this n stuff ...

Renting in Manhattan: A Love Story.


There is nothing more humbling, bullshitty and cocksucky than renting an apartment in manhattan. I'm going to pat myself on the back for taking the very first apartment that I liked (which just so happened to be the first one I saw) because at least I avoided the bullshit of fighting over a place at some horrendous open house. Yeah, I've heard that getting an apartment in Manhattan is a pain in the ass, but this is not like mild post burrito anal discomfort- it's more like being thoroughly buttfucked by a horse.

It all started when we had to haul ass from the lower east side to the real estate agency on wall street to complete our applications for the apartment. That day we also gave a 500 dollar cash deposit. Then we had to gather all kinds of stupid documents and we had to gather them right quickly- everything from W2s (who the fuck puts those where they are supposed to?) to bank statements and all that nonsense. And all the while we had to deal with these real estate agency motherfuckers saying things like "We're pulling for you, we're working hard to get this place for you."

Pulling for me? Really. Hmmm. Well now you've told me that we have to pay $3100 as a fee to you. You fuckers. Oh, and 2 months security deposit. Oh, and you said maybe we could do Dec 15 move in since we have to pay December in Hoboken already. But we have to pay starting December 1st. I hate you so mmuch already.

And oh - what's this now? The landlord is located in Harlem and we have to go there during work to sign the lease?


Wonderful! Let's have a tea party now, shall we?

MOTHER FUCKERS. I'd rather get my car towed than deal with this bullshit. And STOP CALLING ME AND USING TOO MANY WORDS ON THE PHONE! I HATE VERBOSE MOTHERFUCKERS WHO WASTE MY TIME WITH INEFFICIENT WORD USAGE . You are not my friend. You are taking my time and my money to do things I could have done for myself.

I need to think about my delicious 7 by 11 foot bedroom in the heart of the lower east side and bust a chick nut in the delight of my manhattanization. For it is all that I have to keep me going.

FIST IN THE AIR
FIST IN THE GODDAMN AIR
Grrr.
NYC you have been very very bad today. You'd better start thinking now of how you're going to make it up to me. I'm thinking free robots that knit sweaters for every New Yorker by the year 2008. Get to it now. Or else I'll pout more intensely than any one city can handle.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Conservation of Energy

BEFORE
before

AFTER
after

Love,
The Weekend.

Pointers from Miss Manners


When eviting guests to a holiday event, use tact. For example, writing "Please join us for a joint holiday raping of this adorable little lady" might be in poor taste. Rather, something like, "Please celebrate the holidays with me" would be more appropriate.

PS- The folks at evite really prepared for the rampant eviting hipster demographic. Good thinking Evite Incorporated!
Check out pictures from the Sexytime at www.SexytimeComedy.com.

Can't type now ... will type later :)

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The death of Heather Reznor?


Yay! This morning I just got my first metion in Metro's gossip column for Michael, and me n Brandy are in AM NY's listing for Sexytime tomorrow night! (also in Time Out NY and the Onion yay!)

Anyways it was another busy day, but not too busy for me to talk about myself to lots of people- my fave thing to do!

So here's the letter I just wrote to the people I do business with, it may explain some things to y'all:

Dear friends and esteemed colleagues,

I was going to write a goodbye letter to the adult industry this week. I was recruited to work as editor of a new website for a major media company. The job was incredible- I would select and oversee the content - including funny videos and music. The company is based in Paris with offices in New York and Italy and I would be able to travel and seek out arts and entertainment all over the world. And that's not all. There was a goddamned waterfall in the fancy ass office building.

I turned it all down to continue working in gay porn.

Maybe I am some kind of crazy mofo not to be trusted around your children. (probably true as it were)

Or maybe I love this job and Lucas Entertainment is just that great. No maybes. It's great.

Though there've been times when I wanted to KILL Michael Lucas and hang him by his Magnum XLs, at the end of the day, I love this man. A lot. And that means something because he won't even put out for me. (that pesky gay thing) These past months of butt eating and weiner touching have really meant a lot to me. This job is the most fun and interesting thing I've ever had in my life, and it's a privilege to be here.

I made this decision because I realize that I am happy already. I am not going to gamble with something as important as happiness to move to some fancy new job. I believe in myself enough to know that when the time is right, I'll be able to take advantage of new opportunities.

And of course it doesn't hurt that Lucas matched their salary, gave me a new assistant, and FRIDAYS OFF!!! Seriously. That was what made the deal for me. My job as Publicity Director for Lucas had become such a monstrosity of a responsibility, that it interfered with my life's ambition: to be a comedy writer. Now I have Fridays off so that I have time to write and pursue my dreams. I sure as fuck hope that I didn't make the wrong decision, but either way, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I love these homos and smut peddlers!

Finally I'd like to say how much I look forward to the future of Lucas Entertainment. As I watch this young company mature into the fine cast of characters that compose Lucas Entertainment today, I am so proud. From our company's nefarious (JK, LOL, he's the shit!) namesake, CEO and star, Michael Lucas to Tony DiMarco, our endlessly talented Creative Director, to Richard Munguia, our dedicated Director of Sales, to Anthony, our fastidious accountant, to Edmond, the graphic arts genius, and Bryan, our meticulous Production Manager- I'm surrounded by a hardworking and amazing group of people.

Much love,

Heather "gay porn 4 life" Reznor (aka, Heather Fink, and you can call me either)

Monday, November 13, 2006

- I am not leaving Lucas Entertainment. They gave me a great counter offer. And I have Fridays off to write starting in January. I am writing something specific which is a larger project. Sooo I get to chase my dreams and have a day job. I'm fucking thrilled.

- I am moving to Manhattan ASAP. Hoboken Comedy Night will still exist. And it's on Sunday.

- Sexytime

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Lady Bunny is one of my boss' friends. She's a hilarious comedian/dj/drag queen. Back in the day, she touched Sascha Baron Cohen's thingy!!! She's so lucky.

Watch the video above to see Borat pre-Borat!
And check out her blog- she's REALLY REALLY funny.

Friday, November 10, 2006

my greed

I'm 25 - and you know what I want?
I want marriage in 5 years
babies in 10,
and the career from now till I die.
I want the fucking American Dream.

the house, the backyard, the puppy and the kitten, the big closet and the dinner on the table
and I want him to go down on me like there's no tomorrow

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Ooooh a video a video.

Check out this video I am in created by Trevor Williams and Ed Mundy

Watch "Depressions"


PS- Alan Cumming is marrying his dude in England!
(congrats, he's a really awesome guy. both are awesome)
We try the Lucas Pout

That's his dude in the pic with us and Michael.

PPS- spank bank SPANK BANK!!!! A recent amazing safe for work find on jewlust.com (Also, just wanted to say - in high school there was a rumor that jews aren't hung, as I've grown into a lady, I've learned that's not true)

ppsspspsps -

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

I don’t even know what to say. I got a new job. An amazing new job. At a really big fancy company. There is a waterfall in the lobby BUT I don’t have to wear a suit. My job description is really cool. AND the dude who hired me likes my website which means he's cool with the real me and I don't have to pretend to have a stick up my ass! I guess I am entering the legitimacy phase of my life where I grow up and do something really respectable. Respectable. Hmm. Do I really need that? I feel I've got a lot to be fortunate for as it is, do I really need to live a legitimate lifestyle? I’m too used to struggling for what I want. In fact, I’ll cut and paste my law school application essay (personal statement) below so you can see where I’m coming from. It’s cheesy and it was written when I was 20. But, there it is-

Life gives me lemons and I make champagne. No one has ever handed me any freebies or taken me under their wing, but I accept that and I maximize the potential of what I have been given. I strive to create a legitimate self without becoming an opportunist whose self is merely an amalgamation of chance. In other words, life does not happen to me in some kind of neat cycle. Any illusion of ease or privilege has been a contrived effort on my part. The world is not handed to me on a silver platter. I take a silver platter and set it down before myself, which is what I did when I created Capitol goga.

When I came to The George Washington University, I auditioned for the school's one and only comedy group, Recess. I did not make the group. With no outlet to perform and create my favorite things, I was devastated, but that was not the worst news I was about to receive. Apparently, I had not made the group because, from the words of the group itself, "I'm sorry, but we're not looking for a girl this year."

Instead of suffocating my talents and desires by accepting the fate Recess had bestowed upon me, I created my own group, an all female comedy group. I directed the group, created the website, coordinated our press, logos, t-shirts, gigs, auditions, wrote sketches, edited videos and orchestrated the logistics of the group. I did not care how much of the work I took on. I did whatever it took to not only create a group, but to create a fantastic group.

Our first show sold out with more than one hundred seats filled, and with people standing in the back. In our first summer, we performed at New York City's Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. This past September, we had a turn out of over two hundred people. This December I graduated, and I performed with the group in my last show. Before we went on stage together for my last time, the girls shared their feelings about how this group has changed their lives and opened up doors for them. I learned that this group has become intensely important to the lives of others. And more importantly, I did not have to abandon the political causes I cared about to get to this point. We used the ticket money from our big shows each semester to raise an approximate total of eight hundred dollars for charity. Every semester we contacted GWU Student Organization based charities and asked them to apply to receive our show ticket money. We contacted such organizations because we support the interests of our student and DC community when we give back. We helped Alpha Epsilon Phi raise money for their philanthropy, the Elisabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. We also gave to The Campaign to End Abortion Clinic Violence. This past semester we gave ticket proceeds to PUSH America’s fund to help the disabled and also to a personal fund to assist the former residents of a 21st street house that burned down. As an alumnus, I continue to work to support the group in their efforts. This summer Capitol goga will continue their success by performing in Chicago and New York City once again. I now leave behind a fantastic group of ladies who will create comedy, while giving both laughter and support to our community. Capitol goga will be a part of their lives, and the life of the University, indefinitely.



Ok ok ok, let's push this aside and embarrasingly let you judge this thing however you want. That's who I was then, and when I became a failure in my own eyes, shitting out of law school and starting with a 24,000 a year job in entertainment, and then moving into porn and becoming a mediocre comedian, let's just say that at times I felt like a real fucking loser. And let's add to that slice of sugary failure pie that I dated a guy this summer who I started off with "I'm not looking for a relationship right now" mutual agreement, and then I developed feelings for him, while he fell in love with someone else - while with me- who is now his girlfriend. Yes I felt like a turdface who sucked ass - and we are just talking the past few months. Sure, there were plenty of things to feel good about but sometimes you just can't embrace those things cause you are surrounded by bullshit. Or just because the fragile human heart allows debris to seep through it's bounty of cracks ...

Whatever it is, sure enough things are looking up- in every way from my comedy, to boys, to now my future ... and it's nice ...

Did I mention I'm drunk right now? Yet again I was at an open bar. I had whisky. At this weird event at MOMA. Last night a homeless man fell on my legs and I was too weirded out to move or react. I hated it. And earlier that night I did a reading to a room explaining to all of them how much I loved cock. And truth be told by the end of that reading I thought about weiners so much I got all hot n bothered. But I did keep it to myself and just got an ice cream cone instead.

Man, I love Michael Lucas (go ahead, click the link, just don't scroll down tooo far past the text ...). I can't even begin to explain the complexities of our relationship and the wonderful amazing journey I've been through with this company and all the adventures I had. What a fucking cool thing I just did! I'm really sad and nervous that it's about to end (in the end of December). What happens next?!

Wow Democrats!

So there is hope for America! Oh the shamey shame I can shake off when e'er I do set foot upon foreign soil. Oh the human rights that are less in danger!

Ha ha Bush, you can finally do the ass kissing that your lips so desperately deserve.

As a Democrat I've been hanging my head real low ever since I watched us lose the election in 2000 while at the DNC headquarters. You have no idea how sad that room was. And when we got our faces rubbed in the dirt in 2004, well. It really really sucked. I dunno if you guys knew this, but I actually used to get out and campaign and go on the road to other states and all the nonsense that an idealistic college dork might do. This is the first time I've had hope for this country in years.

PS- Bush is a doo doo head.
PPS- Lieberman will switch parties once inside, right? If Jeffords did it I don't see why he wouldn't.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The terrorists did win.
We voted for Bush and the country turned to shit.

Listen you wussy ass organic cupcake eating liberal fucktards: Just vote today. It's very punk rock and cool to have the president lose control of congress.

Monday, November 06, 2006

1) New flickr pics up on my flickr page. They are from BRANDY's camera because I DON'T have a camera anymore. That's my fault and I deserve to suffer because I am a shitty fuck face.
2) Thoughts of the old TV show Bosom Buddies entered my frontal lobe. So OF COURSE I googled them. I Hate www.BosomBuddies.com. Hey fuckfarts over at bosombuddies.com- that's a misleading URL!
3) WHY do I have to perform in a show when DARREN ARONFSKY is speaking for free at the Apple Store in SoHo tonight (at 7pm)? I saw Spike Lee talk there over a year ago and it was fanfuckingtastertic. Aronfsky is so incredible! As a director, he is able to warp and manipulate your gut so severely. I wish I could hear this brilliant man speak.
4) Yeah, so I read my cock essay in Williamsburg (Brooklyn, not colonial Virginia) tonight. 8pm, Galapagos. More info in the sidebar of this website. Right over there ---->
5) Hoboken Comedy Night last night was great- I loved all of the performers and the audience! That made me happy.

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Drank Drinks. Beered my sweater pants.

Ok, so I was really looking forward to this party Friday night. My friend sent me an invite and told me she went last year and it's the funnest ever. (Thank you Shayna.) So I sent it to some of my homies and we RSVPd and I was all set n looking forward to going AND THEN Gawker went and posted it on their site. So I thought: Boooo! It's ruined and it'll be packed and we won't be able to get in anymore!

But we did get in. We were all on the list accept for one, and so I told her to tell the guy her name firmly with confidence- and he ended up crossing someone else's name off the list- yay! So we all got in, and once inside, we learned that it was OPEN BAR. OPEN FUCKING BAR. So there I am drinking shots and beers for free - and there's snacks. And all my homies are chillin wit me! Anyhow, we have our fun there for a little while and decide to go to another great party we know about- which is on the same block! What lovely convenience!!! At this point I am just so pleased with how all my needs are being met by the night I don't think it can get better. But it does. The next bar, Cake Shop, wasn't letting anyone in not on the list- but Adam hooked my whole group of people up- and this party had better music and free Sparks! I was so drunk in a good way.

In fact, I've come to learn something. When I get to a certain point where I know I am drunk- and it really doesn't take much - I start saying and doing absurd and ridiculous things. Pretty much every morning I wake up after one of these nights, someone will tell me, or I will remember something that will make me say "I did what?! Why?". Morning me is really pretty entertained by the antics of drunk me (how's that for narcissism, eh?). I guess it sounds like it should be bad to wake up to absurdity, but I think it's pretty harmless. I'm not drinking insane quanties and I'm rarely puking. BUT when I drink I instantly start becoming a little Animal. Like this Animal:


So back to the weekend- this behavior started happening- and I started yelling gross/silly stuff at people and laughing really hard at it. And this one guy didn't understand that I was joking around and he should move along and not talk to me. So he didn't end the conversation or get that I wasn't being confrontational, I was just saying random silly nonsense. So he wouldn't go away and I just yelled "Goddamn it why can't this conversation end now!" And he was like "You're a bitch and blah blah boring boring words" And I was like, "Seriously, If you don't stop talking to me I am going to punch you in the face!" And he was like "I'm gonna punch you in the face." And then I was like "GREAT! Punch me in the face if that's what it takes to make you stop talking to me!" And that was when Adam grabbed me and escorted me away from the situation. Great thinking Adam! Walking away is a simple and effective solution that didn't occur to me. I should use that more often. If you are talking to someone you don't wanna be- don't say anything- just abort and leave!

So I woke up Saturday thinking about that absurd moment, and then this morning I was reminded that I kept pouring beer on my crotch and thinking it was funny. Brandy thought it was a dumb idea cause that would make my crotch cold when I went outside. Fortunately I was wearing these child size sweater pants and the crotch was located below my actual crotch cause they were too small and so I didn't feel it. HA. I beat the system.

Anyhoo, I had a good weekend- thank you friends and alcohol! I'm pretty happy about it. Often times nights can turn out crappy, but not this weekend, no sir. I guess I'll thank god and Jesus for all the nice fun I had. Thanks dudes! I coulda just sat around farting on my sock drawer but you came out and made me some nice parties. Hugz!

Friday, November 03, 2006

OHMYFUCKINGGOD. TRENT REZNOR JUST GOT EVEN HOTTER.

Ok so first he starts going to the gym and packin a slammin motherfuckin body on top of his awesomeness and hottedfacedness- and now he has supercute facialstubblehairs. RAWGEGRRADACKK. That is the sound of someone will be spending the next few hours in her bed alone with 60 backs of batteries and some juice for energy and stamina.



PS- Go to Hoboken Comedy Night at the Goldhawk, corner of 10th and Park at 8pm this Sunday.
If you click this link and then click "more" under their first blog post, you can see a short video clip of me performing a dramatic interpretation of "My Neck My Back". I was robbed of winning that damn competition. Robbed!

Blam


Why Blam? Cause I'm feelin it is why.

Last Night I witnessed the following:
- HYsteria due to the Latin Grammy's at MSG. The streets were packed with people and cameras, red carpet nonsense- it was insanity like I've never seen.
- Riot at the sample sale. It was supposed to go until 7pm, doors closed at 6:30 and these other people who were there got SO angry I thought they might rip the flesh off the security guard with their teeth. (Earnest Sewn sample sale: 76 Greene St Nov 8-10, 8am-8pm, Nov 11, 10am-5pm; went last year, long line- but it was sooo worth it- great pants for boys and girls!)
- I went to see a friend's improv group perform at Variety Underground last night and wound up doing a set. I felt good about doing it, which is nice, cause I wasn't enjoying standup as much lately ... so, I'm back? Yeah. I am. I'll make an effort to do more shows.
- On the same stage, 72 year old lesbian sang really dirty songs and it was fucking unbelievable
- Then I met up with Adam cause he was hosting a CMJ show and we were gonna do a comedy bit ... and there was a band called Cinemechanica and they had TWO DRUMS! TWO DRUMMERS! It was sooooo good. I love that shit.

This morning I got Pride of Baghdad by B K Vaughan in the mail. I can't wait! It's about these lions living in war torn Iraq. The lions talk in the word bubbles. Oh boy.

Wearing skirts makes me feel more frisky. It's like all there, like just, you know ... THERE. I can feel the goddamned breezes, or "air sluts" if you will. Teazes those breezes.

I, much like everyone else with brain cells, am eagerly anticipating the Borat movie, which I will surely enjoy- but it's kind of making me sick. He's really saturated everything. Their PR people kick ass. Unfortunately he is so likeable that kind of like Napoleon Dynamite, I anticipate that people will kill the fun of Borat. Indeed, Sexytime Comedy show is named after a Borat-ism.

And lastly but not leastly, I have a new intern who works for a bakery and brings me treats EVERY time he comes in! I feel like such a special lady!!! Although I've gotten more flowers and candy from gay porn boys than any man I have ever dated. Oh well. That's a fact I can accept. Because I have to.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Dear people who call other people "sluts".

(note: if you don't like rants, you won't like this!)
Are you serious?! Someone who uses that word and means it reflects so poorly on that person's character. First of all, when a person uses the word slut it probably comes from some fucked up, hostile, bitter place inside of a person. I imagine that place houses other selfish hateful urges like the "I'll show them some day when I'm famous" kind of thoughts. It's either mouthed by someone who is jealous, insecure, puritanical or sexually frustrated.

AND I HATE people who judge others.

There's people out there who I dismiss and hate- but not based on surface shit like what they do- because what they are doing could be a mistake, naivete, or the result of livin and learnin. Everyone is flawed. All strong people are equally weak in some way or another. I despise gossip and people who hate on celebrities. It's fun to make fun of them, especially when they do something obviously heinous like rape people, but how can people give Lohan and Paris Hilton such a hard time? Who gives a fuck about girls wanting to party and get out of hand? So many people hate these girls so much but celebrity is so absurd and I'm sure it's difficult to handle. I can't imagine the embarrassing things taken out of context that people would hate on if I was followed by paparrazzi.

I hate that we live in a world where people get a hard time for fucking up now and then. The world would be so boring if nobody acted like an ass on occasion. I don't like coke, but I'm glad Kate Moss did it in public. Because that's what autonomy is all about- doing what you want and not giving a damn. I'm glad that society is not so sterile that you don't see people make mistakes. It's precisely what's wrong with elections and campaigns- people are expected to be perfect with flawless records, their words easily twisted into smear campaigns. Anyone with a flawless past is probably a weirdo and should not be running this country.

So back to the slut thing ... can you really judge a girl for that? How much is too much according to any of you motherfuckers? I remember being called a slut in high school. It's because I've never had a problem talking openly and honestly about sexuality that I guess I gave off that slutty vibe ... but it was hilarious because I was a virgin in high school and I never gave a blow job in high school either. It's not scientifically possible to be a slut under such circumstances.

And sex is totally great. Anyone with brains knows that. If a chick is promiscuous- how can people out there hate on that! I think that when someone gets some and it's good, a high five is in order. PLUS guys love sex- how can these same guys who want to get some from ladies, hate on the very same ladies who give it up to them? ARG!

Being cool is about being able to dismiss your care for what others think. Calling someone a slut and expecting them to care just shows that you think it's important for others to modify the way others perceive them for the sole purpose of vanity and public appearance.

Maybe you've heard this all before. But I'm putting it out there again. You fucking sluts probably love this shit.


Sexytime Comedy
.

PS- Another Hoboken Comedy Night is this Sunday.

There will be NO pictures today.

Listen, I am not like the rest of you douchebag motherfuckers that go around losing your cellphones and your damn furbies all the time. I have never lost a cell phone and always hang on to mine till I can get a free trade up.

But last night I had a great time and took losts of amazing pictures with friends, costumes, and even famous people! Famous people pictures are always great.

I'd really love to show you my great pics, but I left my damn digital camera in the cab last night. At least I think so. Cause I was reminiscing in the elevator on the way out looking at my pictures, most especially enjoying my pic with super cutie Paul Rudd when I looked up and saw him standing in front of me. Yes I do remember that.

Man, I got all Tara Reid/Lindsey Lohan wasted last night. BUT I was like really responsible. I went back home to Hoboken with my wallet, cell phone, and my self esteem. For some reason like 5 former people I've made relations with in the past called me, but I slept alone like how a lady sleeps.

ARRGG. I just CANNOT get over this digital camera thing. It's pissing me off so bad. Oh and I misplaced my Debit card too. Not freaking out about it though cause I checked and no charges were made.

Eh, who am I gonna fool ... something about waking up without your debit card and your digital camera gone makes a lady feel like an ass. Somebody hug me. It's pout like a little baby time up in here.

Monday, October 30, 2006

All Apologies.

I chose to be JonBenet Ramsey for Halloween.



But instead I looked like a lady in a silly dress and cowboy boots with a rash. Cause I wrote "JonBenet Ramsey" on my chest in pink highlighter. I'm a clever one, I know.

It was piss poor exection and for that, I am sorry. But Saturday was practice for tomorrow. I will be Kill Bill Uma again (prior years costume) tonight, and tomorrow, I will be well executed JonBenet, complete with horrifyingly unattractive wig and all. If I get laid on Tuesday we will know it was by a man with no taste.

And even still, that will not bring her back.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

I have GREAT news.

I opened up my myspace account today to discover a new friend request from none other than fitness celebrity JOHN BASEDOW. That's right. You can see his profile here. He wanted to add me. Maybe this doesn't come as a surprise to some of you. After all, I have been known to share a drink or two with members of society's elite. I just suppose that today is the first time I've come to realize that the rich and famous will be going out of their way to get to know me, and I guess that as I grow to be a more notable person day by day, it's something I've got to start getting used to.

Victoria's Secret bitches be creepy right now


Stop the hugging all village-of-the-damned with the crazy smile eyes. I don't want the lipgloss anymore.

i'm not actually drinking beer, yet

the distinct and prounced taste of beer spontaneously arrived in my mouth just now

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Willy Warmers!


I ordered the chenille rooster for mine.
(click here for more)
At least now I know what dad's gettin for Christmas this year.
Regardless of the fact that I grew up on dirty New Jersey punk rock boyfriends, I just now discovered that Deftones is great.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

desires


ha ha! what up Cold Shoulders, ever think of wearing a sweater jacket you freakin tool!

I was just wondering how the fellas feel about the idea of doing this one armed woman. She's a very attractive and athletic young lady. Seems pretty cool with the surfing and all. But I wonder how awkward it is to do a lady with only one arm. I do think it's kind of hot that it was bitten off by a shark. As far as one-armedness goes, shark bites are fantastic explanation for it, as opposed to other possibilities like an angry man with a rare disease that makes his urine burn human flesh urinated on your arm and ran away.

One thing I hate at work is when I come across gay erotic literature written in some magazines I clip articles from or read to keep on the up n up of the industry. I actually am not a big fan of erotic literature. Erotic stuff is so serious but they are talking about penises and vaginas!!!! What the F! I just want to giggle at it. I giggle at penises all day long, how can these people take themselves seriously? Seriousness is the worst. Anyhow, here's a quote from one of these things: "I kissed him sloppy and I kissed him wet- I did it until his face was a glistening as his ass." GLISTENING ASS? No thank you.

Ok, sooo the weekend ... Well I think I have some fun pictures but I left my camera in a place that it does not belong. So expect a delay in such photos bring brought to ya mothafuckin face. Oh dear I'm sorry for the obscene words, I don't know where they came from. Anyhow. Saturday was great because Dara, one of the best people that there ever was, came and visited, and Brandy had another impromptu party and I loved it a lot. All of my favorite folks made appearances. And Hoboken Comedy Night was fantastic. These high school folks performed and I told them a story about the first time I touched a wiener. They liked that story.

So I woke up feeling good about the weekend at first on Monday but quickly got majorly bummed. Random crappy things kept happening and it was all gloomy out side. I was so irritable and moody I kept thinking "I must have my period" cause everything was pissing me off, but every time I checked to see if it was there, it wasn't. Later that night I filmed a "sex scene" for a comedy video with some homies and it made me giggle so much I think I felt better. And I never really realized or thought about it before, but I have a giggling problem when it comes to boy-girl touching. I'm often a really hard person to try and kiss cause I get sooo awkward and think it's so funny to see that look in a person's face change to "ok it's business time and I am going to touch you and caress you now" when they go in for the kill. Don't get me wrong, I adore sex and naked time, but it's just sooo silly to me! All the parts look so funny. I guess you'd think a girl with a job like mine wouldn't think about it this way but I do. It makes me laugh so much and I often can't look guys in the eyes I am having relations with cause if I do I'll laugh, and I wouldn't want them to think I am mocking them. Especially not when they are so nice as to be "giving it to me" and "giving it to me good". I really quite appreciate the gestures. Anyhow. I know I don't giggle as much when I know a guy better or have gotten past initial hookups ... but last night was a learning night. Cause as I pretended to engage in sexytime I quite unprofessionally laughed my ass off almost the entire time.

Final thought:

Oh god I've been lusting after freshly steamed spinach. I love it and miss it so much. THERE IS NO GOD. First you curse us with the pain of existence and now this! Creator, I spite you! I'm ripping out my cells in protest and squishing my mitochondria into my ribosomes to show you how you've wronged me. (gods hate that)

Monday, October 23, 2006

Had great weekend, lovely time, Hoboken Comedy went very well ... much happy times.

A little bummed today, have to go to Chinese consulate, seems that there is something wrong with the port authority, very unhappy with the turnout of this. And that's a very bad picture.

Will be back with more words later ...

Friday, October 20, 2006

Monkeys HATE Barbasol


But worry not you sweet and loving monkey. I am going to dedicate most of this email to things like comedy and funny videos so you can laugh and laugh. And really monkey, if you stop thinking about the barbasol and start giggling, you might actually feel better.

I had a pretty great day today. Not only did I wake up and not bother to shower, but I got good news AND there was birthday cake a work today. Ben and Jerry's ice cream cake, woo hoo! And I saw that in over the course of a measely 2 days, 13,000 people watched the La Dolce Vita teaser! That means I done did my job well.

Oh my god and if that's not good enough I learned about a great new game for friends and family to rejoice and have happy times:
click here to purchase. Boys will be boys!

Still thinking about what to be on Halloween. I can always be a "Desperate Mother" because apparently there's a wig for that.

And I have another Youtube video that you just gotta try from comedian Lucas Held. He's pretty hilarious. Check it out! He has other funny videos but this one is my favorite. I can't watch the others though right now cause I can't, but later.

Also check out this video from Jake and Dan of Cleanest River and Olde English. It makes me laugh.

Hammerkatz
, another super funny sketch group, has a show this Saturday at the UCB theatre. 7:30 pm. It's really important to them or something like that. You should go.

Oh and click here for a free download of one of my summer's favorite songs: Bitches Ain't Shit from Ben Folds.

Finally, I'd like to say, go to Hoboken Comedy Night on Sunday.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Just hangin out bein sassy



Yay! I found a rubber ball bearing in my oatmeal this morning so the establishment gave me free food. I got one of those pick and choose salads, not caring how many items I picked. I mean, I was all like, hmm, sugar peas or artichokes- nay- sugar peas AND artichokes. Oh what a morning. Unfortunately I thought "thai basil" sounded like a delicious dressing. It's not and it tastes yucky. Sigh. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and then you have chubby school girls.

Hunkmania Hunks seem like really nice guys. Plus they're certified so you can be sure that they are authentic.

A frog jumping onto a log.

Rico is my friend. He writes me song lyrics. Here is the grand premiere of the Bright Eyes song lyric of the week by Rico:
"replacing the toothpaste with my love so that you can taste it in your mouth and spit it out but remember that brushing for two minutes and thinking of me is the only way to a healthy smile."

Thanks Rico!

My very first ex and I are so "just friends" that it's hard to imagine we were once romantic partners ... but every now and then he reminds me why we were together in the first place when he says stuff like this:
"every day i have a yogurt with bifidus regularis and then at 930am i have a granola bar and it makes me so regular its unbelievable."
and
"yeah, this bifidus yogurt is supposed to regulate your digestive tract. Add some non sugary granola and your set."

Mark told me all about Monk-e mails. I made one, see! You gotta have volume on this here.
(Editorial note from Mark: hearing the monkey say things like "this dick aint gonna suck itself" is funny)

And another reminder as I am known to provide- Hoboken Comedy Night is this Sunday. Bitches love Hoboken Comedy Night.