Monday, January 30, 2006

fuck. fuck! I dropped my fucking cracker

that is just life sometimes

anyways, I guess you should all know that I am having a show tomorrow night at Laugh Lounge, details in the top right corner of my website page.

and also, I have given up all hope in beginning of sentence capitalization. but I'll still do I's and proper names for now.

ps - cause of my cool job,

Boy George gets nominated for a gay porn award. Yep. (scroll down the nom list in the post)

Friday, January 27, 2006

Starman! Up to his crazy Shennenigans!

Who knew Starman felt so passionately about world events such as Israel/Palestinian relations? Not I.

Furious protesters demand Palestinian leader quit
This poorly worded headline links to an article about furious Fatah supporters.

All the Oprah-is-disappointed-in-you-cause-you're-a-liar you could hope for.


Elmo the Prophet speaks. What's the big deal anyway. He's just telling the inevitable truth. For some anyway. Starman is immortal. Maybe. I am not really sure. Oprah is immortal.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Matador= eh, Video Clips? Yes have some.

So I saw The Matador yesterday. Pierce Brosnan's character was total awesomo 5000. Fuck, did I just talk like that? Yeah whatever, a girl reads a few comic books and she turns into the guy at the simpsons comic store (I'm on the classics now BTW, reading Watchmen and Sandman, waiting for new Y The Last Man, Fables and Ex Machina). Anyhow, the strengths of the Matador were Pierce Brosnan's acting, the dialogue, and Gregger's wife, played by Hope Davis (American Splendor). I also really liked the locations. *Almost* the whole movie was pretty enjoyable actually. Greg Kinnear didn't bring much to his humdrum character, and I felt another actor could've done more with it. Not that I don't like him, he just played it too obviously. Thumbs up on visuals, and I liked the large text labels for cities. Thumbs down, deep down, for the ending. The last scene is so inane and lazily written that it might make you forget the good stuff before it. They pulled a movie blueball- working you up, leaving you hanging. Oh well, there were some hearty laugh releases with Brosnan's consistently fun character.

And if you want to see what's new at my work, enjoy this worksafe, zero nudity video.

Dangerous Liaisons Documentary Trailer

Mike Tyson's Punchout out clip (thanks Adam). WAAAAY better than getting punched in the 'gina by a sealion.

And finally:
Yes, have some. (my faaave movie quote)

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Talkin' Bout Aliens N Shit ...

Note to self: MAKE YOUR OWN ALIENS!!!

New technique finds Earth-like planet
If something is habitable, does it follow that it's going to be habitated? Like if something is suitable for life, does that mean that there will be?

When you are taught evolution, you learn about how the earth started billions of years ago with microorganisms, etc. And you learn how the first cells formed. And how membranes first existed. And from one thing formed another- like, because of X Y Z conditions on earth, like our changing atmosphere with it's different balances of oxygen and carbon, all of the sudden made certain life possible. So it's seems suggested to me that an important characteristic of life and existence is that when something's creation becomes possible, it will happen- that is without the intervention of human will. Like when animals are fertile and in close enough proximity of each other, they will do it and make a baby. It never seems that in the case of life that things "won't" unless cognitive interference, like choice, comes in its way.


And I guess that makes human will powerful outside of ourselves because the nature of our capability is more important than we should be thinking about every day. Is human will the only thing that flies in the face of the natural order where anything that can happen will happen? That's what I want to know. If there is another planet where life is possible, does it necessarily mean that life will exist there? Does life "happen" or "come to be" whereever or whenever it can? Does life want to be? Are we supposed to want life cause it's the nature of life to want to be alive? Are temperature and climate, stuff like that, the only thing holding the rest of the universe back from life like that on earth?

Just wundrin ...

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

My friend, no, America's friend, Richard Bey

The Good ol days of television died when The Richard Bey Show went off the air.

He made days at home meaningful. He was the reason to get sick.

I felt the emotions, I went right along with all the drama in the show. Yes, she is a nastay ass ho. Yes, that woman is the Queen of the Bitches. And yes, that man can talk the talk but he sure as hell can't walk the walk. Oh. No. He. Didn't.

Pre-Jerry Springer, Pre-Howard Stern, Pre-Fear Factor, on the heels of Double Dare. No one can deny that Richard Bey was a pioneer of American Pop Culture.

For those of you who don't know about the Richard Bey Show, let me share this blurb from Wikipedia:
His show, which was produced from WWOR-TV in the New York City area, featured such events as Miss Big Butt and Mr. Puniverse Contest, Dysfunctional Family Feud and Blacks who think OJ is guilty vs. Whites who think he is innocent. The show was a precurosor to reality television featuring a variety of games relating to the guest's stories, most famously "The Wheel of Torture," in which a guest would be strapped to a spinning wheel while someone else, usually another guest, poured slime on them as punishment for a misdeed.

I was just thinking about Richard Bey when the news told me that UPN and WB were merging. Ah UPN, born in Seacaucus, NJ, once a local station. WB, father to Dawson's Creek and successor of WPIX, the channel that dominated my family's extensive library of movies taped off of the televion. Because of WPIX I could watch Supergirl, Police Academy 3, and Ghostbusters over and over again.

Goodbye UPN, and if I didn't say it in the past, goodbye sweet Richard Bey. You showed me that the misbehaving needs sliming, and that adults cannot be trusted. Surely you lent to my lack of respect for my elders, by showing me that things were far worse among grownups than with kids on Fun House, or on shows where kids merely got Wild n Crazy.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Don't let them out without paying the luxury creme tax

When I bought a 50 dollar bra at Victoria's Secret it not only looked really cool, but it also made me look nice in the boobs. However, I didn't expect the damn thing to break within 2 weeks of purchase. I didn't expect either, that the one expensive pair of jeans I'd ever purchased in my life -for 250 dollars- would rip loud and proud under my ass-cheek as I removed my cowboy boots following a long day of work. I wasn't too thrilled either when my fancy nike sport headphones for use in my iPod unexpectedly stopped working, without me shaking the wires repeatedly, after 1 month of use. And as my year old digital camera and similarly young laptop computer cause me more trouble day in and day out I wonder if there is any more real luxury available to the middle class. They just don't make things like they used to. And that, my friends, is why I rely on high end lipglosses and toiletries. You just put a cream on and it does its job. The instant pleasure of these treats is one I can depend on, day in and day out, like an old man kept in a cage for personal use- another one of the less extravagant luxuries I indulge in. If you don't keep him in the cage, he will not be tender, so sweet and tender like the delectible pain juices of a fresh veal flank.

PS- If you've caged a man, do not let him out without making him pay a luxury creme tax- yes, creme and not cream because I think we can all agree that creme is a better word. The luxury creme tax is in place because often time men in cages do not have money. They also rarely have luxury creme, but I like nice cremes, such as those that you put on your skin for moisture.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

When politicians stop being careful and start talkin delicious

So this guy, Nagin, mayor of Nahlins said he hopes it becomes a chocolate city. People got all pissy that he said that so he had to clarify.
And I really must directly quote this one:
"Do you know anything about chocolate? How do you make chocolate? You take dark chocolate, you mix it with white milk, and it becomes a delicious drink. That's the chocolate I'm talking about."

Damn. Solidarity.

Friday, January 20, 2006

More than words can say, I need you now.

Last night's show went well even though I was filled with negative energy during the whole thing. There was negative energy from my personal life, a long day at work. And then the girl who went before me, Sara Schaefer, was so good I was totally intimdated following her. Also entranced. She did this amazing bit with a stapler. Damn. Anyhow I was glad to get good feedback even though I just felt shitty. But of course a lot of my feedback was based on low expectations. I got a lot of "Since you're a girl, I didn't think you'd be funny." Ah well, so long as they low expectationally enjoyed it.

But don't worry. I'll be back. Mean and hard and, ... hard.
January 31st
at The Laugh Lounge
151 Essex Street

8:30pm showtime -- you and your friends should be at the club by 8:00pm to check in and for comfortable seating
Without you
, my hope is small
Let me be me all along
You let the fires rage inside
Knowing someday I'd grow strong


Moving along, after the show I shoved raw emu into my delicate palette. Amy and I found our way to a charming Australian restaurant (no Katie, not the Outback restaurant). The place was called Eight Mile Creek. It was very authentic and loaded with Australian expats. They were all very charming, including the waiter who made physical contact with my friend, firmly hitting her back because she was delicately coughing. We ate emu carpaccio, which I hoped I would like but didn't. It was one of the weirdest flavors I've ever had in my mouth- I felt this way about Thai soups when I first tried them and some other foods, and soon seriously desired that unique flavor. But that emu just didn't do it for me. Amy liked it. Far more savory was the Kangaroo. Kangaroo is some dope ass shit, man. Kangaroo meat is so tasty and juicy and yummy. I think it was the first marsupial I ever ate. The Oyster Pie was good too, but nothing unusual. Finally for dessert we had "Sticky Date Pudding", which the waiter said with utmost emphasis on every consonant until it sounded really sexy. And they have some kick ass Aussie Shiraz. That is all.


Check out my friend Matt's new music he made with his fine woman, Molly. It's called Flore Lacombe. His voice reminds me of Son, Ambulance/Coldplay, but the music is modern indy/electronic.

Finally, as an official appreciator of all fine things in life, cookies, cupcakes and the like, I must tell you about Crummy Brothers' organic cookies. They make them in CRRRAZZAY flavors. I tried the Lavender, Orange and Mint- all chocolate chip- which is important as a base cookie, as it is the best. Now I was banking on the Lavender, but the lav flavoring was too mild for my liking. Orange isn't my thing but someone else who is more into that flavor tried and gave a thumbs up. I was, however, quite a fan of the Peppermint. And the packaging is cute too, making it appropriate for cookie lover gifts.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Why'd they say it was gonna be crappy out. It's sunshiney so say the clouds of New York City.

(Note to self, it would not be funny to show pictures of September 11 to illustrate clouds in the city)

Listen to me very carefully:
1. Download Celine Dion's "All By Myself"
2. Add it to a playlist you enjoy on your iTunes
3. Update iPod
4. Forget that you downloaded it, or remember, it will still work either way
5. Walk down the street in your daily routine
6. Allow song to play
This will provide giggles unique to this experience. It is a reliable source of said response and it's great to hear when you feel just fine and don't really need to be reminded that you could otherwise be feeling pathetic.

Jetblue is offering $59 tickets each way from Newark, NJ to San Juan Puerto Rico. I almost just bought some tickets last night. That would make a perfect weekend trip- you know, take off a Friday and a Monday. I looked into it and planned the trip all the way to where you put in the credit card and it's 4-real. Friends- who's with me? Perhaps we can start up a youth oriented tour group or Quarter-life mini-spring break redux.

Bajiner is a good way to refer to the female anatomy.

Oh and Heather Reznor made her gay porn debut yesterday. I guided a business man to a lovely spa experience and told him that his masseuse would be with him shortly. I might clarify that I did not play the role of business man or masseuse. Related: I looked up the word masseuse on google cause I knew it would correct my spelling. I came across an establishment that advertises itself with the following:
Whoever Tried Says So.

You may notice the feature article in the Times about a fuzzy kids Palistinian tv show, where dialogue includes:
"This is Nablus, this is Gaza, this is Al Aksa mosque, which is with the Israelis and should be in our hands."
Also enjoyable from this morning's NY Times, Dr. Zizmore deconstructed. Uh, Thanks ... Dr. Zizmore. But no thanks. P Diddy told me to use ProActive and that's how it's going to be.
But if you want real skincare advice: Pure Aloe Vera gel on your face at night before bed.

Ok, run along now darlings, Mario style- defiantly into walls n shit.

PS- I just realized that I can look at any scene in early mario bros videos and know exactly what music plays- you know like the different sounds in ice worlds and underwater worlds. Man I loved the frog suit. And the panda one that turned into a rock. Japanese people- what will they think of next!

Wishful, unrealistic thinking

About this: Human rights in Iraq 'much worse'

Please just admit you made the wrong move, say you're sorry, pull out, and leave? Like when you paint your nails and mess up a little spot and then try to fix it and then it just looks like crap so you should just leave it be and stop fucking with it before it gets even worse ... yeah, Iraq's like that. Not to say that we're wrong and Saddam's right. He's not. Just that this War didn't help or improve a damn thing and people died because of it, and we only went to war out of desperation and couldn't think of a more intelligent solution.

PS- In other news regarding the super fun privileged American lifestyle: check out Thor, new top secret hotspot in the Hotel on Rivington.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Epilator Action

So this Saturday afternoon I ripped hair out of my body. Why? Well ya see folks, my blog is awesome. So awesome in fact, that a company will send me their product gimmie some monies to write about it. And being the no bullshit know it all type of gal I am, this suits me well.

The Norelco HP6475 Satin Ice Epilator arrived in a big scary box with big scary directions. I did not previously know what epilation was and why I would want to do it to myself. It took me quite a while before I actually took this machine to my body. Ya see, I soon found out that an epilator is like a waxer/electric razor for ladies' bodies. There were a lot of things it recommended I should do before I epilate. First, the machine had an exfoliator head. It said to exfoliate before I epilate. So I did. That was my favorite part. It felt like a vibrating leg massage. Quite nice. It supposedly made my skin ready for excitement. I also had to place the freezer cassette in the freezer. That thing is supposed to cool and numb my skin either before or after the hair ripping. But I am still not sure about it. I'd say it was kinda pointless. It also recommended that I shower before hand. So I did that too.

Ok so I was ready. I put the thingy on my leg. It hurt a little, but at the same time I wanted more. It was cool to see this thing totally rip my hair out instantly. That's the good part, it's quick. I'd say it's pretty much the same concept as waxing, but not messy and easy to do myself. So I did that to my legs. Supposedly it will leave them hair free for weeks. This is pretty cool and an exciting prospect for summer.

Next it was the ubiquitous "bikini" area. Ah the good ol area of bikinis. I got close, even ripped a hair out. But no. No no no. I can barely stomach the occasional waxing. This was not for me, I am too much of a wuss. So instead I tried the electric razor head. I have never used an electric razor. It was awesome! It made my skin super duper smooth. I think it's really great for people with my hair type- not very hairy but still post-pubescent. Ok and this is where I realize I am telling people more than I'd like.

The moral of the story is this: The epilator is actually a great product. And I didn't have to say that. I just had to write about it. I recommend it for different hair types because it offers something for both the waxers and the shavers.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Sufjan Brings The Rapture

After seeing Sufjan Stevens perform live at the Allen Room on Saturday, I can say with certainty that he is one of the most talented and gifted people of our time. His music is so beautiful that it can be overwhelming. His show is a real emotional experience. This man masters all things aesthetic. As composer, instrumentalist, lyricist, vocalist and man, he creates really really pretty things. His voice is the most beautiful male voice I've ever heard. His face is sweet and soft, with lovely lines and angles. His eyes sparkle with his charming lyrics. He makes all of the instruments around him dance. His music breathes air into wings so they spread.

Sufjan and his big ol orchestra.

The Combination of Things
What strikes me a great deal about artists such as Sufjan is their brilliant way of juxtaposing sounds. That's why I've always found NIN's music to be perfect. That's why rap/rock combinations are so enjoyable. It's the interesting choices the composer makes in contrasting sounds and combining them well. This is a fundamental element of existence- that when something is well paired, it makes wonderful. A farting model, a strong man holding a baby, a rock band's ballad, pork chops and apple sauce- all complete pleasures because of what they are together. I think the best music in the world is created with the skill of making unique combinations.

Finally, the Allen Room is one of the nicest venues I've ever been in. It's got this dramatic backdrop overlooking columbus circle. 60th street makes a line and all the lights from cars reflect as though the windows were wet. Just gorgeous.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Today's Best of the MothaFUcking NET yeah.

This DJ that was at Salon last weekend mooshed together the instrumental from The Cure's "Close to Me", one of the greatest coverable songs, and he put Wu Tang's "I like it raw" over it and it sounded so good. And I want it, but can't have it. He didn't do it with an ipod. He did it with records.

Madonna is having more fun than all of us and does not care what we think, so long as it does not adversely affect record sales. At least the "Hung Up" video so indicates.

I like all of My Chemical Romance's videos. I think their videos are the best in effort and story telling of any mainstream music videos being made right now. And I think that lead singer is kinda hot and I usually don't like feminine guys. I do like dark haired men who wear black eyeliner however. It always looks hot:

I know I've seen Jared Leto and Colin Farrell wear it too. Hot hot. And for a straight dude to wear it I think it's a testament to their security in their manliness. Actually, black smokey eyeliner smudged around the eyes creates hotness on just about anybody. When I try that look, I use a black kohl pencil and get around the entire eye, on the parts inside the lash area, and the pile on a ton of black shadow all over, including under the eye, even if it looks bad, then take a jumbo cotton ball and smudge and wipe away extra powder. It's nice to blend into the upper lids with a soft shimmery pink, like Makeup forever's pink # 90916 starpowder- a product that also looks good on everybody and is good for blending.

Eugene Mirman is a NYC comic that I've seen before but wasn't all that into. But last night at the Onion Holiday Party he really impressed me with his set. It was for a really big crowd, which is a tough atmosphere, but he owned it. I guess that's why he's toured with bands. His comedy translates well in this awkward for jokes atmosphere. Related: The Wrens rocked really very very hard last night.

I accidentally texted (name near other name in phone book) this guy I dated last night (along with an abnormal amount of other people). It had been months since any communication. This was a guy who I thought was playing games or I don't even know what, but I was just annoyed- you know, being shady about calling back and hanging out- so around Septmeber I was all like, listen dude, just don't bother anymore, I don't know what your deal is, but it's annoying and tiring. I just wasn't invested enough to bother. And it's a shame cause I was really attracted to him, and I think to myself, eh maybe he's not bad, but when it comes to relations- he's a baby. A sexy baby. But a baby nonetheless. Goddamn I love babies. Sexy babies. In baby thongs. (PS- In an attempt to google "baby thongs" google tried to thwart my searching asking if I meant "baby things" no google, no. Bad google. Bitches want mad baby thongs. -> related- "Thongs & Freak Dancing Equal Trouble")

Tomorrow is the 5th Annual No Pants Subway Ride. I will sadly be occupied by other activities.

Ok, have a nice Saturday. I'll be Sufjan'n it tonight.

Coming soon to a Fink Blog near you -> Adventures in Epilation, Crummy Cookie Exploration

Thursday, January 12, 2006

I am tired.

It's fair to say that I am quietly working my ass off these days, taking my work home with me, staying late hours out of my own volition, feilding after hours or weekend calls if I know it's important. And it's ok with me because I really enjoy my job but yeesh. Today I just want to sleep. I had to work late today anyway, but now I realized that I forgot my keys. I decided to wear a different jacket on account of the spring like weather and I can't imagine running errands or hanging out with friends or anything like that. My roomie won't be home till 10 and I'd honestly rather sit here on the net and watching tv in the office a little longer. Ok, this isn't interesting. This is just venting to the empty mysterious void that is the internet. So I'll share this:

Today a pretty young lady walked into the office. It's a big open space when you walk in and few people were around.

"Can I help you?"

"You're an entertainment company, right?"

"Yes, so ..."

"I am an actress. I was wondering if you needed any actresses."

And then, with a smile, I responded:

"This is a gay porn company. So I suppose unless you turn into a man and then proceed to have sex with another man on film, I do not think we have any roles for you."

Followed with the sweet sound of an intern's laughter.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I wish I was like 6 foot 9 so I could git wit Lioshi yo she don't know me but yo she's really fine

If I was a man, I would buy this tshirt. I would also donkey punch mad bitches and give em all crabs. Stupid women.

I thought a good episode for a sitcom is to have a lonely character attend a Martin Luther King Jr Day march to meet new people and possibly score some blow.

Pop open a bit of bubbly. Miss Christina Savage is the new senior financial analyst at MTV! I am so excited for her!!! This impressive lil vixen is a year younger than I, at least in schooling, and she done got herself like 3 fancy ass offers at cool places. What a woman.

And don't forget to save a glass of Champagner for me. I got my 60 dollar rebate check from Sony in the mail today. Baby's gettin herself mad cobb salads. Like 20 of them. I don't even like cobb salads. It would be all pure luxury.

It's My Prerogative

Bobby Brown.

My cool "dear in headlights" or "crazed lunatic" pose.

Work is mad busy so I am going to sum up last night's show as quickly as possible:

the show was so super fun last night ... biggest crowd I've ever performed standup for ... and it was a packed room ... and Standup NY is like a real legit place that people go for standup so it felt all official or something ... and then all the comics were pros and they were all really great and it was super cool to be among them ... and the headliner, Donnell, from the Chappelle show, was like so super good ... and then Bobby Brown was there and he was super nice and we reminiced about living in the same part of Jersey (he currently lives where I grew up) and then he stopped and took a pic with me and was really patient even though my camera was being weird- unlike Heather Graham who was like super bitchy to me when she posed for a picture with me a few months ago and when the person taking the pic didn't press the button right she was all like "whatever I'm out of here" and rude and looked stupid in a super ugly orange dress and anorexic bone shoulders ... and then my set went well even though I did mostly new jokes ... and then and then and then um ... then people invited me to do their shows ... and I was so nervous but tried not to let it show on stage and I think I was successful in that ... so then I knocked back a ton of drinks after I performed cause I didn't want to drink before I went on so I needed to shake those nerves ... and then these producer types and people experienced in the biz paid attention to my set and gave me all this feedback ... and then I rode the PATH home really drunk and read my comic book but really slowly cause I wasn't doing too well with my reading comprehension ... and then I ate Dunkin Donuts and then I went to sleep and now my head hurts me.


And about 20 people RSVP'd and 7 of those 20 showed up. I much appreciate those who come to my anything and am very greatful for that support, but please don't get my hopes up- liars!!! I like people. I like when a person tells me I am gonna see them. And then when they don't show, I look down at the ground a little and get a little sad and then I put on some lip gloss and tell myself it's gonna be ok. Please let me know ahead of time if you can't make something that you RSVP'd for. Thank you. But you can make up for it:

See my long, full, luscious FREE set at Variety Underground Next Thurs, Jan 19 7-9 pm 317 E Houston St. I have all new jokes for 2006, so come see the new and improved show.

And thanks so much Jodi, Shane, Jen, Shayna, Niv, Dayci and her friend for coming!


Also, if you go to IMDB's message boards for the March of the Penguins, you can catch this hilarious conversation, which includes such highlights as:
"I am wondering if there is any penguin nudity? >>

There is. The whole of Antarctica is like a nudist camp for penguins
Anything goes out there"

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Weekend of Lazy Review

I saw Pretty Persuasion with the ladies yesterday. It got a lot of bad reviews but all of us loved it. It's a dark, clever comedy. It's extremely well-written. Actually I think it's some of the best writing I've seen. If you're actually going to see it, I don't recommend watching the trailer or anything cause I wouldn't want to ruin any of the moments, but if you're not, or just curious, check out some of the quotes from the movie. I think it had a very complicated ending message, something to say, on top of being really clever and funny. It was a very very smart film. And the acting! Oof! Evan Rachel Wood reminds me of other very smart actresses like Scarlett Johansson in this role. There's a great ensemble cast including Ron Livingston, James Woods, Jamie King, Selma Blair, Jane Krakowski and newcomer Elisabeth Harnois. I highly, highly recommend this movie, but warn since it's gotten so many bad reviews that it might not be everybody's cup of tea. But I saw it with Christy and Christina and we all have different taste and liked it a lot anyway.

And I caught half of Happy Texas on Comedy Central. I really like Steve Zahn. William H Macy and Illeana Douglass also make it fun, and I love the cover of "It's oh so quiet" the little girls perform at the end.

SPACEKEES & TERILEKST are so awesome! It's Dutch rap and it's really good. Put it on your ipods!
Go to "Klik bitch" and then download the mp3 for
"Ik wil een meisje" (which basically means I want a girlfriend, literally a little girl -think 'shorty'), others there are great too,
and then I like this one even better:
Een <--- right click "save as" from here

Okkervil River is another great new band, right click and save as to download their cover of
The War Criminal rises and speaks.
Here's the super cool lyrics to that song.

Another good free download is a newer band from Saddle Creek (Bright Eyes' label) is from Two Gallants "Las Cruces Jail", it's very screamy, so you've got to like that. It's kinda country folksy with screamy vocals. I saw em live and it's just these two very intense dudes. I like.

I read somewhere I can't remember, maybe it was a comic book, that you've never really lived a human life until you've experienced heartbreak. That's pretty right. It opened up so much of myself I never knew was there. Like how people say when you get a deep tissue massage it lets out all these toxins hidden deep in your body. I think that's what happens, it purges all these elements of your self you didn't know about that hides deep inside dark places. Love doesn't even speak an intelligible language. That's why we are all so clueless, trying to maintain control of ourselves in spite of the fact that we can't control it. Like the levees in New Orleans and the ocean. We are the levees and love is the water. All we can to is try to move it the way we want to but ultimately we cannot control it. Hense all the learning (from the heartbreak).

Other great weekend discoveries include:
Blair Butler, comedian. Saw her on Saturday on Premium Blend, then on this cool weird channel called G4 on "Attack of the Show" on Sunday reviewing comic books. She's both very funny and into good comic books, hense the appeal.

And on top of all that I did actually leave the apartment and go out, at least on Saturday. On Friday night I sat in my bed reading "Y the last Man" and "Fables". Sooo tight. We were going to try Milk and Honey but my bitches didn't want to leave Spice Market, where we engaged in some intense and satisfying conversation. Also noteworthy, Salon, a new westside spot. The music got crappy further into the evening, and the drinks were too strong- which yes I think does happen (if I wanted a shot I'd have ordered one) but the beautiful decor made up for it.

Friday, January 06, 2006

What Sexy Means to Me- by Heather Fink

There was a fat man sitting next to about 20 large boxes of chocolate slim fast on 24th street today near the corner of 6th avenue. The chocolatey milkjuice was dripping out of somewhere and he lay near a puddle of it as it soaked into part of his grey sweatpants.


In the meantime, the 2006 Bloggies are nigh. I want an award.
Here's a current list of my accolades and awards:
- Eighth Place in Forensics Speech Competition in 6th Grade
- Team Soccer Trophy in 3rd Grade
- Ability to hold myself up the longest in a sitting position against the wall, co-ed, 6th Grade
- Dean's List, Spring Semester, Sophomore Year of College, GWU
- Teacher's Worst Nightmare, High School
- Class Rowdy, High School
- Honorable Mention, Shopright Kids in the Kitchen Competition
- DARE Diploma, 5th Grade
- Mixologist Degree, Professional Bartending School, Clarendon VA.

All true and fairly comprehensive. Quite impressive, I know.

Yeah so, click here and vote for me if you like (might I suggest the humor and writing catagories?). Let's give those other guys a run for their monies. You know, all millions of other blogs there are out there. And if you're so inclined, toss in a nomination for best glbt blog,

I also decided to do something smart and catalogue the greatest hits my blog. I saw some other sites that did that, and that's cool cause then even when I write a poopy entry, I can be all like, hey there's these other time when I didn't suck.

So which ones do you think should make the final cut? Comment or email with your suggestions.

Bonjour 2006
Sad Poem
I run low on Fairy Princess
On Religion
Basal Metabolism
Stay Away Stupid Lady
Everybody Hurts
My Working Mother
The Importance of Being Easy
Most of All
I Am A Writer.
Being Is
Without Sex
Never Forget
Sup My Niggaz
Not Yet

Back Fat
Shake It
Fun Things
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Dammit Brain. Let me sleep or I am gonna kick you in the nuts. Uh, not that I mind the cause ...

Ever since I had one week off of work, and more free time based on the ol singleness, I've been writing so much freakin standup. I've got like tons and tons of jokes. Considering that I once struggled to transform what's funny in my brain into standup style, and came out with like one decent joke in my first try, I'm really surprised that the little wheels in my head keep turning and turning. I am not getting good sleep cause I keep waking up with ideas. It's just like when I was in high school. Starting in 7th grade, I kept these books that I'd just write and write in- mostly free verse poetry and "philosophical type" observations of the world. I used to just go crazy in those notebooks right as I tried to go to bed. As soon as that light is off and I feel snuggly my brain is all like - write this stuff out or I won't let you sleep. I still have these two little sheets I tore out of one of my young notebooks that I keep in my nightstand. One is a little angsty towards men "Why did god give us hearts and minds to feel and think if all he wanted to do was fuck us?" and "Comedy is power and a tool to maintain the status quo".

Hmm. Anyway I stopped writing in them books when I started college. Too many papers to write- I started expressing myself through those. Ok, well my point is that I haven't gotten this bug since I used to write in those freakin journals. Now I've got so much freakin material I'm not sure what to do at the next show. Should I stick with old n good ones, or do my new stuff? They don't give me enough time to do all of it. Hell, my best joke is like 10 minutes long. Don't think I can do that one at all. Hmm well maybe I can condense it ...

Thanks to Craig Baldo who DJ'd the New Years Eve party I was at when the ball dropped. He played The Pogues cover of Auld Lang Syne and it made the party better. That's a sign of good djing, playing music that makes a whole room feel all pumped and dancy in the pantsies.
This shit is P-I-M-P free music all day long!

Good news for math people, bad news for Prime Number Pooping Bear. Sheesh.

I am looking forward to seeing The Matador.

Lindsey Lohan is cool for admitting all kinds of stuff like about vomiting your way to skinny and snorting coke. I respect an honest woman IRregardless of her pukeycoke past. Seriously.

And why do I feel a sentimentality towards stupid crap like Jamesway and Caldor? Maybe cause Jamesway had the most bangin Halloween costumes every year and Caldor was so easy to steal from when I was in eighth grade. Hmm. Nah, it was the awesome tacos. Though, there are no tacos at Jamesway or Caldor. There are no Jamesway or Caldors. Sorry for getting so deep on you. Woah (like Joes Lawrence of course- after all that is the only way to woah).

Monday, January 02, 2006

Bonjour 2006, Sucez les Os de la Dinde de mon Frère, Si Vous Plait.

I stood among champagne and music as I had an epiphany this New Years Eve. There I was in blue silk, leather boots, a fur wrap, my mom's old eelskin belt and my new purple eyeshadow, with the fading remnants of pot and alcohol in my brain. I was having fun. In the company of friends, dancing, laughing, and merriment, my mind took a moment and in a few seconds the commotion disintegrated to a blur as something occurred to me. I do not like being alone.

I do not like admitting that I do not like being alone. What I have often mistaken for a ravenous libido and good luck among the sea of fishes now seemed to me to be less about being boycrazy and more about just plain desire for male company. For a long time I have thought that admitting this, that I do not like being alone, would mean that I am not a free and independent woman. Because, yes, I am happy, generally. No, I don't need a man. But I guess I wholeheartedly enjoy a good one.

Much has been waxed philosophical about the greatness of a good woman, what with movies like Scent of a Woman, and morals of the story where men romantically discuss how much they love women for all their complicated ways, though we all know they discuss the details of their ass and tits more often than not. But what about a great man? I just broke up with a boyfriend. And before that I had another, and before that another. And for all four years of high school I dated countless guys. In fact this past year I wasn't happy unless I was dating at least 3 or 4 at a time, rotating my litter on a monthly basis. And of course my obligatory reclarification, I didn't sleep with pretty much any of them. The quantity of "partners" I enjoy is just about the only thing I am conservative about.

I love a good man. Of all the things that could be compared to a fine glass of wine, a good man is the most pleasant. This is not to say that I like them in all shapes and sizes. I don't. If I am not instantly attracted to a man- if there's no chemistry- there is no amount of wining, dining, gift buying, or making me see his clever ways that will do. Such a man with whom there is no chemistry makes a great friend. But each one can be quite different and wonderful. With his own personal variety of music, oddities towards certain foods, beat up jeans, ideas about who they are and who they are going to be, hidden talents, dirty secrets, lovable faults. I love a good man, and scorn him when he ends up doing something weird with his penis making me never want to talk to him again. Lord knows I've got good horror stories about that. But such stories belong to the spoken word. Such filth should never disgrace not even this blog, it makes for witty and disarming drunken banter instead.

It's easy to love being in love, and when you're fresh out of it, you definitely feel an emptiness where something once was. But I know better than to seek it out from the past. One of the greatest pieces of wisdom a woman can have in dealing with a man is to know that you cannot change him. And you should not. The only harmless woman influence is to help him dress better. And of course if he's a good one, he will learn from you and you will learn from him to both be better. But never ever push against a man's nature. If you don't like him, or your situation with him, as is, don't bother liking him at all. If he'll ever change, let him do on his own time, and out of his own volition.

And with those thoughts I embrace the future and tell myself it's ok to feel a little lonely sometimes, especially when you're not in the mood to shove your tongue down anyone's mouth on New Year's Eve. Nothing an afternoon in SoHo and movies on the couch can't cure. That is when your lady friends are busy anyways ...