Monday, February 27, 2006

Kara Janx Interview

I love Kara's designs because her clothes immediately jump out at me and scream "I want to wear that." In fact, I made a quick impulse buy and purchased her Kimono Dress in grey/blue (still on backorder- but coming soon). It's not cheap, but it cost me less than a pair of sevens, and the design appealed to me because I can get a lot of mileage out of it. The fabric is soft and cozy. I can be comfortable and sexy in it- wear it with a shirt underneath to work, or without for boobytime at a night event. Fusing sexy and comfortable should be every designers' aspiration for women's wear, and that's why I love this design.

Kara's Project Runway Bio
Pictures of Kara Janx's Fall Collection for Project Runway.

Catch the season finale of Project Runway this Wednesday!

Ok, so here are some questions I had for Kara:

What has the increased media attention you've gotten as a result of the show taught you about yourself?

I didn't know what to expect going into this, so it has been so interesting on so many levels, I have personally evolved, emotionally and on all levels of my design capabilities, the increased attention, has made me realize how I have grown and learnt to deal with the circumstance I am in, to take it all in my stride and really enjoy the moment. It has been so rewarding and refreshing to be received so kindly, and I feel stronger and more confident for it.

What's the funniest memory you have during Project Runway? A funny thing someone said?

There were such characters on the show, that I was completely amused by their antics, there were so many funny moments, Nick and I were always cracking up at each others outrageous behavior. Santino was a scream, Tim has the most wonderful sense of humor and the rest of the bunch kept me entertained.

What do you wish was different about the fashion world?

It's the hardest business in the world to be in, the struggle is endless. It would be nice if it were a little easier.

How would you describe your unique vision as it translates into fashion?

I think I have an innovative approach, a fun design sensibility, I am able to mix pattern, color and texture, and make it look effortless and well put together. I feel I have an innate sensibility toward urban street-wear that is feminine and flirty, but at the same sensual and sophisticated.

Are you a New Yorker? Do you enjoy busy city life?

I am a New Yorker through and through, I felt like that after 5 mins of being in the city, and I fell I have earned my keep after 8 years. I am completely addicted to the hustle and bustle of the city, it can get pretty stressful and hard at times, but for some reason, the city never lets you down, it challenges you constantly, but ultimately rewards you. I can't imagine living anywhere else. I LOVE NY!

Inspirations: movies, music, tv shows, art- what inspires you, and what do you recommend that others must check out:

I am most definitely inspired by NYC, the streets are vibrant and teeming with all sort of interesting tidbits.

I love travel, and travel when ever I get a moment, I think it's so important to experience other cultures, travels heightens my intensity for color, and textures.

My sister-in-law Maya is an incredible muse, and she never ceases to fascinate me with her unique and fabulous way of dressing...she has been such an inspiration.

I am always following the young design scene and love to see how innovative the new generation of designers is, it's interesting and important to see what our contemporaries are doing in all the arts.

I think anyone who is seeking to be a designer, it's essential to take in all things, culture,architecture, music, art, hanging out with friends, travel and love, this is what ultimately makes up who we are, and thus shapes the way we see things.......

What's up next for Kara Janx?

I have been working around the clock, I plan to persevere and move forward in the continued growth of my business. I have been so blessed to have had such great success with the Kara Janx line, and I am really striving for longevity and further successes. Ultimately I look forward to the Kara Janx empire!

What was the most irritating moment you experienced with another cast member?

Santino drove me NUTZ with those sleeves on the Jumpsuit, they were constantly falling apart, and he was constantly poking at me to put them together. The Cry and Cut scenario...well you can only imagine, I really had to bite my tongue(and cry), otherwise there would have been pandemonium.

Ok, which is your favorite: cupcakes, kittens, or lunchables?

Once you've had a Magnolia cupcake, there's no going back!!!!

Sunday, February 26, 2006

All that I want is to be in the arms of a loved one, holding their hand, sitting on a couch peacefully when nuclear bombs explode the earth. When my atoms rip to shreds and fire and nuclear winter falls upon the earth, I want to have been happy and in love the moment that my existence ceased to be.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

I think that penguins, kind of like Lucy Lawless, would be really nice in person. They always act so kind to each other in public.

Penguins, Lucy Lawless, both probably nice in person

Thursday, February 23, 2006


"Devoted sister, beloved cunt."

Yesterday was great. I was well rested with plenty of energy to tackle my day, and then I met with a friend to check out Bloomingdales cause he's got an employee discount (who's spring collection is totally uninspired, super ick!). Walking past the Armani makeup counter, a perky, 100% lovable young lady, who was a former model turned makeup artist, asked me if she could give me a makeover. Sure, I'm going to an event, I love makeup. Yes. Pimp my face. And as I sat there and she applied foundation, I thought to myself, "Sure, this Armani stuff is ok, but Makeup Forever is the best. I'll only buy the best."


Am I fucking serious? That thought went through my head? And it's definitely not the first time I've thought or said something like that. Yes. I know that Shu Uemura makes the best eyelash curlers and Nars Orgasm is the best blush in the biz. What kind of fucking cunt and I to turn my nose up at some Armani product because I know of one from a better Parisian collection? Yes me, Heather who loves her Bud Light and can give any woman a step by step guide to getting off (community service, people) in any bar on any given night of the week. The fact that I have this knowledge just shows what a spoiled little cunt I am.

Cunt rhymes with punt. Punting stupid looking dogs is the best way to punt.

Anyhow. I do have an appreciation for all this. It's overwhelming, in fact, sometimes, when I think about how privileged my life is, I thank god for misery and all the pain I've experienced because without it I wouldn't be able to enjoy everything so much! Thank god I've been a loser and a failure! I am not famous, I am not at the top of my game, I'm not rich. I make enough to live comfortably, and I enjoy the crest of this wave I'm riding right now. All I know is that in light of all things that could suck, I've got it great. It's not perfect, it's not spectacular. All I know is that I'm having a really good time and I'm very lucky for it.

And it's just natural in New York City to be cuntified as I am. The offerings of fun, adventure, and exploration exist as a limitless bounty to be carpe-d per the diem. For example- there's not just jeans here. There's citizens of humanity, Paper denims, Earnest Sewn, Evisu, like 100 brands which are better than you and cooler than you, and if you don't know them, you're a fucking idiot. And you are. This kind of knowledge- whether it's jeans, restaurants or bands- is the ultimate clue as to how New York Cool you are. And true enough, I think it's legit. I like to know what the best of the best things are in this world and I'd sure as hell like to be in the company of an entire city that will help me find it. Now I'd really be a cunt if I judged a person for not knowing these things. I don't, and you shouldn't cause that would make you a douche. And if I expected everyone to know this stuff, I wouldn't have any likable friends. It's just nice, fun, and helps me enjoy this great world we live in to the fullest. So learn up ya herbs.

I was writing a joke and realized I wanted to include this phrase, "with all the charm of Ted McGinley in his finest films, mixed with the attitude of the Cobra Kai" but wondered if people would know what I am talking about. What do you think? I am editing the Bush joke, if you've heard it- the one with the robot. I'm making it more meaningful.

Oh about last night's event- it was a premiere of Project Jay, Jay McCarroll's new show for Bravo. I invited a bunch of friends to join me, and for those who missed it, no biggie. I was being publicist Heather at the time and exchanging business cards and all that. But I met some great people, and I really enjoyed the show. It's the best Director of Photography I've ever seen in reality. And the whole midwestern, down home appeal of Jay's home life, plus his witty personality, plus the whole relateable New York city life element of the show are going to make this a hit. And thank you to Daurisa Villanuava for pimping my face. ---> after photo.

Also, the restaurant La Bleuwe Orange is awesome. And I don't think I am spelling it right but I also don't feel like looking it up. It's on Crosby and Grand and they serve French/African.

And finally- if any of you out there ever call me a cunt and mean it (it's far different from saying it to yourself), I will crush your nuts. And for all the ladies, I will suckerpunch your tacos. And by tacos I mean that I will, in fact, destroy any Mexican meal that may be in your near future.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Show Report 15.8:

The show went so awesome last night! soosoosososooso superfucking awesome. No it didn't. Here's my story: I did it last minute cause the lineup sounded great and it was a new venue. But I had no sleep the night before and all I knew I needed in order to perform was a nap. I quickly secured a bed for napping. A new friend who wasn't even home called his roommate to let me in so I could nap for an hour before the show (couldn't go back to Hoboken). I felt like a friggin idiot going into his home and all, but his roommate was kind enough to seem not to care. Anyways, there I was, all rested up, all ready to do the show, and the audience was only 5 people plus the performers. Now I've performed to this kind of crowd before. I was ready to go. I spent cab money to get there! After a half an hour of waiting for the show to start, the hosts cancelled it. They were nice enough to give me cab fare, which surely made up for some of the inconvenience. But, uh. It was unpleasant.

But you know what I say- when life gives you lemons you find a fairy godmother and have them turned into a bunch of awesome babes to party with! (Everybody fucking loves to party with babes. Babes make the world go round)
Which reminds me. This is the difference between babes and hot chicks.

Hot chick->
Fuckin hell yeah, the queen of tittytown.

another example->
Princess Diana

Babes ->
Babes wear cool makeup in jewel tones and they wear dresses made of stretchable cotton that are form fitting and short. They also wear heels. They really like to party in their time off from starring in arcade race car games, as Kelly's friends in Married With Children, and in movies like Weird Science. Sometimes they also are at conventions or on motorcycles that are not their own.


Anyhow I made the best of it and met up with Shayna, Justin, and Lynn, a young lady of my college years I hadn't seen in a long time. God if you only knew how much I loved Shayna. She is so totally the best. Anyway. Shayna and her man Justin are the dynamic duo of knowing everything there is to know about NYC restaurants. They are one powerfuck away from being the next Zagats. And that sentence had no meaning, cause I don't know what sort of unit of measurement a powerfuck is exactly, but they totally could be new Zagats. Anyway, they whisked us away to Pylos. The food and drink was fantastic. And even moreso, the eye candy. A man, looking exactly like Nick Lachey, with a French accent. So it was like all the niceness in the face, with none of the stupidness of the personality. Cause with that accent he HAD to be charming. And then I wondered. Isn't Lachey a french name? Is this the real thing and Nick is a pretender. Fuck. Stop thinking you idiot and start partying. Harder. With babes.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Show tonight!

@ Plan B Tuesdays @8:30pm, $5
339 East 10th Street
Between Avenue A and B

Guests for 2/21:
A story from Todd Hanson (Head Writer, The Onion)
Stand Up from Seth Herzog (Stella, The Baxter)
Rachel Feinstein (Preminum Blend, Montreal Comedy Festival)
Biz Ellis (MEAT), who will be reading the most embarrassing excerpts from her high school diary

AND ME. Yay.

Last minute deal. Check it out n shizzle.

Friday, February 17, 2006

The love a man has for a mermaid is the purest love of all

cause he can't even do it with her. She doesn't have any gennies.

Peta is smart.

They got me to listen to their message by using celebrity spokeperson, Trent Reznor, in this video. It really is totally fucked up and horrible what they show happens to animals. But a lot of PETA people suffer the same problem as the feminsts: being entirely too angry when spreading their message, and misappropriating and blanketing blame. I wear fur and I like it. But I see as something fine. It's ok to eat and wear and kill animals. It's a food chain nature thing. On this earth we use things, living or otherwise. We consume. I really don't think that's the problem.

It's kinda stupid of the vegetarians to think that by not eating meat and not wearing fur that they can change anything. They waste so much time and energy campaigning for that because it will never stop people from consuming animals. What they need to do is spend more time lobbying governments and campaigning for change in the way animals are treated while alive. I'm sure animal activists have already improved things by doing that- by acting as watchdogs on companies, etc. I don't doubt they've influenced legislation against animal cruelty. They need to do more of that. Because there is nothing innately wrong with wearing and eating animals. It's natural. But it is horrible to abuse nature and living things. It's not the killing that I have a problem with, so long as the animals are treated well beforehand and I know that's not the case. That must change.

The whole idea of vegitarianism just seems so contrived, like we're dissociating ourselves from our true animal nature. Hunger and bloodlust are important things, don't you forget it.

Peta is stupid.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Who is your daddy and what does he do?

Ah the sweet smell of producing a comedy show, not unlike the smell of penis hands (see exhibit 4G). I'm super excited for this whole Hoboken Comedy Night thing, and what makes me most happy is how awesome and diverse the acts are. A lot of really great comics confirmed. These are people who's stuff I really enjoy and I look forward to showcasing stuff that I like. Like milk. Some people don't like to drink milk but I think it tastes delicious and can be really refreshing. It's safe to say that I like milk as much as I like enjoyable comedy acts. But it's not as though I would forsake one for the other.

(Psst Okkervil River's songs are really great and you should download this one, pass it on!)

Anyway, last night's show went well, at least until the end where I made a very off-color insensitive joke that nobody laughed at and it made me feel like a bad, shameful person and I feared that people took my very insensitive remarks seriously. It was just a shock to me that I cared. Aren't I supposed to be all In Your Face and shit? I mean what the fuck dude. Am I some sort of lilly livered milk toast panty waste? I think so cause I even emailed some people from the show to apologize.

What's going on? I put my heart in a cool metal cage guarded by guards with big metal armor with massive spikes on it n shit. I'm all like, yo dude, back off cause I'm tough and impenatrable by the forces of weakness, that's how I come off all ruff n stuff with my afropuffs, all like, yo I don't give a fuck- and it's obvious cause check out my blog, yo! I say all kind of shit up in my blog like I don't care bout nuthiN!

But then someone sent me an email on Tuesday morning and after I read it, I was so touched that I cried to myself, hiding behind my big Mac G5, for a solid couple of minutes. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Feelings? Why must I be reminded of you! Listen feelings: You can't just sneak up on me and make me feel real things like totally out of nowhere like that. How am I supposed to be cool and stuff when you're gonna make me cry n shit? Discipline. You lack Discipline. Well, I've got news for you. You are mine now. Stop whining. I'm detective John Kimble.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

HEARTS cupcakes TEDDYBEARS candies

Wait a sec, in Anderson Cooper's 360 world, there's vaginas? Woah.

Today was the first time that a man ever gave me flowers on Valentine's Day. It was not from a suitor or admirer however. It was from John Paulus.

Lineup announced for 3/5 at

You can see me at MoPitken's tonight. Wear your Sunday Best. Because I will be bringing my time machine with me and we will ride it to Sunday and then go to church for an afternoon sermon.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Good Morning Snowboken.

As I sat on the bus to Hoboken this morning for an hour and a half, a trip that normally takes 5-10 minutes, I started thinking. Looking at cars completely burried in snow, I remember the morning I woke up to move my car out of the snow for street cleaning to avoid a ticket. I was trying to find a better parking spot, but they were all covered in snow. I went for one spot, but as I pull into it, I saw a half buried fire hydrant. I tried to pull out and got stuck. Then an asshole cop started yelling at me telling me I was in the way and he called me an idiot. Having my wheels stuck in the snow while a cop called me an idiot was enough to make me cry. So I did. And then I went back to my bed where my exboyfriend lay sleeping, grouchy, and not desiring any interruption from sleep, to tell him all about the mean cop. And then he said "quit your damn whining it's not a big friggin deal." So then I cried some more. Man I loved that guy.

And after all these thoughts, I grew really irritable because I was still sitting there, inching towards the tunnel. Trying to cross the Hudson. In my mind I was all pissy and annoyed. So I took it out on my ears. Aw yeah. Fuck yeah. I played rock and roll music. The angriest, loudest, screamingest songs I could find in my iPod. I may have sat obediently in my bus seat, legs crossed like the lady I am, but in my mind I WAS ROCKING SO HARD. I was so bad ass. I listened to all kinds of tough songs for tough people. And I loved every fucking second of it.

And for lunch, I went to this great deli near here that's very delicious recommended to me by Corey Witmer, a fine young lad. Who had this to get off his chest:
yeah aren't they amazingly friendly (for now) although like many NYC buildings they only have one of their two glass doors actually unlocked and able to open so if you grab the one on the right you look like an idiot and then you have to play that game where you do alittle dance and wait for the other person to come out- HATE IT
why do buildings always do that? why do you build a door and not use it

maybe there are others.
that share my views on "the other door"
perhaps we could band together with pitchforks and torches and open
these portals to more freakin elbow room in this god-forsaken city

Ok peace out homies, I'm checkin out this place, opening tonight:
Blue Owl
196 Second Ave (between 12th and 13th)
It's a speakeasy/tiny cocktail lounge behind a two-way mirrored door. Small and shaped like a backdoor passageway, with a separate private entrance (through a gated courtyard off 12th Street) I'll let you know if it's worth the visit.
UPDATE, that place was hardly hidden. LIARS. I like my bars MAD hidden n' shit. Also, it was very ordinary and bland like nachos that are all chip and no dip.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

I made something!

I made it new! All by myself!
Look, look:

I made something, AND THEN I put my name on it! That's one of my favorite things to do.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

So today's a crazy day with all this stuff going on in the office. Keep your eyes open for the news n all cuz media's goin apeshitsies right now ... bein a Publicist is weird.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Everybody Dance Now

View this clip on Vimeo
This is my friend Dave dancing. It's nice. It's old, circa Halloween 2005.

In unrelated news, if you noticed this Sunday's Outback Steakhouse superbowl ad, it starred super-cute and funny New Zealander Jemaine Clement from Flight of the Conchords. Read more here. Anyone who's received a FinkMix will recognize him from "Business Time", as in "It's Business Time".

And in my current comic book readings, Watchmen is getting amazinger and amazinger. It's written by Alan Moore who wrote an introduction in Miller's "The Dark Knight Returns", which I've got about 10 pages left of. I actually wasn't that into the book during the first two chapters, but chapters 3 and 4 are so awesome. It's about an older Batman who had retired and now comes back. Some interesting bits about the book: Robin is a girl, Superman is in it, and the Cold War plays a big part in the plot. Anyhow, Moore's introduction to the book sheds a lot of light on what I enjoy about modern comic books writing. The whole thing is great, but he says,
"The fictional heroes of the past, while still retaining all of their charm and power and magic, have had some of their credibility stripped away forever as a result of the sophistication in their audience. . .
He (Miller) has taken a character whose every trivial and incidental detail is graven in stone on the hearts and minds of the comic fans that make up his audience and managed to dramatically redefine that character without contradiction one jot of that character's mythology."

Overall it's interesting to read his discussion of how modern comic book writing, in order to adapt to the modern world and be fresh and exciting, must reunderstand old icons and discuss them in political contexts, coming to understand the characters and embracing greater realism within the realm of fantasy. Good stuff.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

you rock

Michaela Hutchison became the first girl in the nation to win a state high school wrestling title while competing against boys.
And she's even kinda cute, which if you haven't already noticed, is the only thing important to me in measuring someone's self-worth. Anyways, I don't know her but I'm so proud!

Have you ever wondered where you could see good longform improv? Well, Baby Wants Candy is some of the best improv I've ever seen, and it happens to be musical improv. Unfortunately Jack McBrayer is not performing with them this time around. He's an amazingly talented performer, so it kinda stinks he won't be there. Click here to get tix cause they aren't in town often.

I think Gloria Allred is dope as hell. Saw her on the Today show this morning and she was making me feel all nice and inspired inside.

My mind feels totally dominated by work lately. I think about some random person I should email, some new idea I have, some disjointed idea from the day that I finally resolved in my mind at some other point in time. It's so hard for me to tell people what I am up to. They never seem to know. It's just all these trains running in my head at the same time. I take pleasure in finishing a task. I love closing windows. I love my Mac but hate when it disrespects me with programs that are not responding. Which reminds me, now would be a great time to dispel a myth. Men do not, at all ages, have greater sexual prowess than women.

I'll put little dashes here to signal to the reader that something else is about to be discussed:

I've noticed, quite contrary to the messages the media bombards us with, that if you take a sample of women, post high-school who have boyfriends, the women are the sexual aggressor in the relationship more often than not. Finally, the great mystery surrounding the marriage of Al and Peggy Bundy is solved. Why wouldn't pathetic Al want to sleep with his hot wife all the time? It's cause once we're all post pubescent, we want it more- at least most of us. All I'm sayin is that a lot of times those fuckers will put sleep, fantasy sports, television, and other crap first. I mean sure, once you've got em "muy durable" they're totally yours. But those fuckers are all talk and no game. (And I'm not in a relationship right now so I'm not speaking about any one guy in particular.)

Monday, February 06, 2006


"CNN has chosen to not show the cartoons out of respect for Islam."

Are you fucking kidding me? When has literary cowardice been so sickeningly obvious? By covering this, you are publishing the violence the Muslim protesters are asking the world to see- but you won't show the cartoons themselves? These cartoons are absurdly non-offensive, relevant political statements. For all of the racist bullshit I've seen these cartoons are very easily valid expression of ideas. And at this moment in time, my bossman, the gay porn star, has something more to say than all of CNN: click here.

In other cartoon news, I very much enjoy The Watchmen. For those who've read it, I just finished the section where Rorschach tells the psychiatrist about the dog head. AWESOME SO AWESOME. Love that Dr. Manhattan too. Up there in my favorite comic book characters along with the Saint of Killers.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

My Porntastic Weekend

Yesterday was a long day. I drove to Yale with my boss and a filmmaker who is making a documentary about my boss. Yale looks a lot like Princeton, only more spread out. My boss participated in a symposium at Yale Law School, and inside it looked exactly how I'd expect. Old stained glass windows, wooden chairs with Yale insignia on it. All very ivy league. But my goodness, many of those ivy league law students are an unattractive bunch. Perhaps some are lovely, they just desperately need makeovers. I just happen to be of the opinion that there's no point in having a physical self if you aren't going to make the best of it. Pygmalion central up in there dawg ...

Anyhow, the symposium was on Sex as a Commodity, and the conversation quickly focused on feminist issues. The main point of my boss' argument was that while it may be true that women are oppressed and humiliated in porn, gay men are not. Society closets gay men and their sexuality, and not only can a gay man be open on camera, but men across the world can see that gay sex happens, and they can see how it's done, and have an outlet for their sexual expression. It can be education, (positions, safe sex etc). And there was another panelist talking about feminist filmmakers, making pornography for and by women, and the empowering effect it can have. The debate got heated very easily as the feminists scowled and felt angry.

But then I interjected. It went a little something like this: Hi, my name is Heather, I am the Director of Public Relations at Lucas Entertainment. But before that, I was the president of the George Washington University Feminists. And as a philosophy major I wrote two papers about the negative aspects of porn in society and I agree that much porn perpetrates an violent hegemonic society. But at that time I never considered gay porn. And I never really considered that there are some positive aspects to pornography such as 'feminist porn'. And I see so much anger up there, but in your anger I think you are closing your mind to the fact that we are a society made up of human beings who have sex, and this sexuality needs to be addressed. I'd like to hear your response to the idea that where there is violence in porn, it is simply a reflection of the violence in the minds of society, that the problem lies in people, and in our nature, and the porn that is being made is simply a reflection of what lies in the heart of people- and that some aspects of pornography are positive and helpful forms of sexual expression (or something like that- I really don't remember exactly what I said)

I had so many feelings about it all. And I was so annoyed to see that feminism is still represented by the same bawdy, stuffy, humorless, sexless, angry women it was back in college. I can't stand the angry feminists. They do nothing but hold us back. I am tired of the complaining. I do very much appreciate the great crusaders and critical deconstruction of society that many feminist thinkers contribute. But these women are few and far between. I saw this woman up there on the panel and I thought to myself- my god, here is a woman who will never make any progress for the things she believes in. I am so sick of the complaining and anger from the women who steal the title "feminist". We do live in a world of serious inequality, where working at a company around gay men is the first time I have ever in my life been in a work environment completely free of sexual harassment and dirty little comments. We live in a world where many many women are raped and victimized. Where we are treated as pieces of meat and we don't make as much money or earn as much respect as the men. But the world really isn't all bad. Many feminists adopt such a narrow minded view of the world, it's impossible for them to actually enjoy it.

A lot of what's out there in porn and the world is disgusting and an abhoration. But sex isn't disgusting. Sexual expression isn't either. And it is such a primitive, fundamental element of human beings that you better fucking believe it will always be there. You are losing an idiot fight if you think porn should one day not exist. But you stuffy angry feminists out there should stop for a second to take a look at the fact that porn itself can change. It is changing. If the way that sexual expression is created in the media becomes more healthy, sexual attitudes can change. I truly think that by making porn better, you can make people better as well. Sex is very important. It's not the only thing, but it's really something. I think the more closeted, embarrassed, and shy people are about their sexuality, the more deviant we will become. We live in a world where a woman can't walk into a porn shop without feeling like a total weirdo, and where many women in their 20s haven't even had an orgasm yet. It's a freakin atrocity. We also live in a world where many women are too embarrassed about their 'ginas to have a man go down on them. It's so totally fucked up.

It upsets me to see feminists expressing their anger and frustration- the same frustration I feel too, but in such unconstructive ways. Once and for all, I am certain that the only way for women to succeed and improve their place in the world is by living example. When individual women take on leadership positions in society, and become the creative forces behind art, music, comedy and public expression- only then will things ever improve. You must make change in doing. And I'll be very happy one day if feminists ever drop the blinding anger they possess and open their eyes to a world that isn't defined so narrowly as they'd like it to be, so it makes pointing the finger much easier.

And I really wish that everyone from every perspective could take a moment to reconsider that in this world, there are exceptions to every thing. And it's never constructive to demonize or deify any one thing, especially human beings.

Friday, February 03, 2006

The Epididymis is my favorite part.

Salad bars potentially play an important role in human socialization.

I played a new favorite game today at work: guess what does and doesn't taste nasty at the corner salad bar.

Salad bars are lot like a man's testicles. They look so good and delicious on the outside, but once you bite into the insides, it's kinda gross.

But when you first go to a new salad bar- go for all the pretty looking things. Taste all of em, and then you'll be in the know- which is exactly where you want to be. So scoop into the bucket-like metal tins and bowls at the various stations and have at it!

Verdict for the lunch spot on the corner of 38th and 8th avenue?
Eat: Avocado salad, Shrimp and Avocado Salad, Soba Noodles, Tomato salad.
Do Not Eat: Anything Italian, fried, or warm.

I expect the payoff of my adventuring to be tremendous. I can certainly get great pound for pound value on my avocado and shrimp feasting versus your ordinary establishment where food is not being served in various tubs and vats.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

We Need to Talk

I was a troublemaker in school growing up. Never mean spirited, just always wanted life to be fun, and life always seemed funny. How seriously should a kid take themselves anyway? I took life seriously enough to get good grades and all that kinda poop. But nonetheless my childhood felt like Footloose playing in a loop. Kid wants to have fun, shakes things up harmlesslessly, people with sticks up their asses make a big deal out of it and demonize the kid.

Needless to say, throughout my life someone has said "Let's talk" or "We need to talk". It meant that in the midst of my laughing and happiness, I was going to be pulled into a room, sat down, and told that I was bad. Boys will be boys, but Heather, what the hell is wrong with you. Stop misbehaving. You live in a world of serious people who are paranoid about other people not taking them serously enough. Stop being a child. Stop having fun. Stop playing. Stop day dreaming. Stop making jokes. You have done something wrong again.

But I am a big girl now.

That moment when someone placidly pauses far more calmly than their usual demeanor, looks me in the eyes and softly tells me "We need to talk." and guides me to a corner, a room, a space in a room where it's more private- that moment scares me in the most primitive way. It's in my gut, the nervousness. Again, I have done things my way, the only way I know, and it's wrong again. When people say "We need to talk" sometimes it's good. Sometimes it's very rewarding and I learn something new, or something good happens.

But when an ex love of mine said that to me after never saying that for a year, we didn't need to talk. Because before any talking happened I knew, I screamed histerically "Are you breaking up with me??!!" And indeed that was how the news of the cheater came to fruition.

And my mother, the sweet, very emotional heartfelt person she is, always dealt with all things that concerned her with talks. But my god, a lot of things concerned her. I was frequently being sat down for serious talks. And as she went in to detail on what was wrong, and I sat there hearing her but knowing there wasn't anything that I could magically do to change the situation of things, I just wanted the talking to end so badly. I wish for people to not be so upset. But that's what will happen when people interact with other people.

Personally, ill meaning or celebratory, the most frightening words in all vocabulary are "We need to talk".

Or in other words,

Ahh fuck ...
do we fucking have to make a big fucking deal out of this too?

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I'm Feelin You, Eagle.

I just need to talk to you all for a second about grumpyness and frustratingity. ARRRg. I went to Cold Stone Creamery and saw they put fresh bananas in the ice cream. I asked if they had fresh strawberries, or if the strawberries were canned. I don't like those canned things in the sugar syrup, I think it's icky, unless they are in my mother's wonderful champagne cocktail recipe:
1 part Sprite
1 part Cranberry Juice
1 bottle Champagne
1 package of frozen strawberries
Scoops of Raspberry Sherbert
And extra Vodka if you're serving it to youths or small mammals or throwing it at people's eyeballs.

Anyway the lady said, yes they are fresh. Great! I ordered it. And then she throws the fucking strawberries into my icecream all syrupy and not fresh. Why didn't she just say NO. No they aren't fresh. WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON! And so I was like "Hey they aren't fresh" so she takes em off the ice cream and is like, I'll put something else. So I don't mind canned black cherries and saw them and pointed to them. I said "cherries are fine". Then that CRAZY ASS LUNATIC puts raspberries on my FUCKING ICE CREAM. Oh god I was so fucking pissed but I paid and ate it anyway.

And I'm in midtown cause we moved offices to a new big large fancy place. Fucking bloody stool I hate midtown. Yeah there's some cool stuff here. I'm pretty sure they sell bacon or pancakes near here if you want that. And I like being near the nice movie theatres and stuff, but dammit. There's a lot of shady places to eat too. Like Chevy's. Don't order takeout there. I ordered a soup/salad combo. Soup and salad is so totally premade and easy to give to a person. Well I waited a half hour. Then they brought it to me in dishes. Then I said I ordered take out. Then the man took 15 minutes (that felt like urinary tract burning the whole time) to give it to me. I wanted fucking take out cause I wanted to get back to work so I could eat while simulataneously answering emails you fucks! RAAWRARAWR.

I'm so crabby. So crabbity all up in my head. I think midtown has frustrate-filled karmas and they are crawling up my swimmin trunks. Oh well, at least I'm super pretty! Being pretty is just the greatest.

Last night's show went well, and I was very happy that many of my friends came. The best part about that is that they will give me honest feedback, telling me which jokes work and which don't- the things I need to improve on. Why it's more helpful than a hooker with an ice cream cone.

Rube Goldberg contests are cool.

Getting prepared to go on a roadtrip this Saturday with my boss at Yale Law School.

My idol and number one inspiration gets her own show. Sarah Silverman my hero.

If you like romance, you will like this romance.
If you like anal romance, you will like this romance.