Friday, April 28, 2006

Workin on the job!


I'm a good typer. Check out my typabilities!

I went to this NFL draft party last night. I don't like sports at all. But I do like very much the fact that were Reggie Brown to hold me in the palm of his hand, I would feel like a little kitten. He's a big boy.

But that wasn't all that fun. I had a little taste of the UCB Theatre last night. I've been a stranger to that theatre since they got their new space. Which has been over a year now. But there's so many great shows there. I surpose I gotta rethink that strategem.

Hey, hey, hey you. I thought this video was funny. This one. From the ladies at Variety Shac.

PS- This weekend is Queen's Day, a big ol Dutch Holiday. So if you see orange, that's why. I think the Empire State will be orange too. Hup Holland.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Sometimes Nuts are Manufactured in a Nut Factory and Not by the Grace of God. It's a fact.


I am really looking forward to an awful lot of things. For one I am a participant in LVHRD's ACTHRD Thespian Royale. Who's LVHRD? They are the party/events division of The Happy Corp, a very cool company located in SoHo. I can't quite explain who they are, so you can just check their site -> bam And here's the event announcement. And here's where you can buy tickets. It's open to non-members. I've got to open with a monologue so I've got somethin secret up my sleeve. It's not Antigone.

I got me a manager and he's super! Nick Bayne of Bayne Creative Management reps other comedians who I totally adore, and he's attentive and straightforward, therefore pleasing me in a way that most men don't. I look forward to what's next.

I've got some shows coming up. Like, tomorrow or whatevah. See in my sidebar? It's on the side of la pagina.

A little thingy I wrote is up on winneroftheweek.com. It may be semi-familiar to you blog readers. That site is a very silly, cool endeavor of my friend Matt's. It was edited a little though. I used some strong language that was changed. We even had an email back and forth about it and we got mad at eachother and then we made ammends by joking about raping babies. That usually solves everything. Thank you Matt for the link. You truly are the winner of my week.

I went to this event last week. Tinsley Mortimer and company are the most boring and uninteresting people I've ever drank with. But I guess that's what you get when you are surrounded by dresses and champagne. I like it better when models are making out with people like on Tyra's show, or getting arrested like Kate Moss. It's so charming.

This guy is really sexy on his man-pony.

Tip: Opening this weekend -> The Plumm, 246 W. 14th St (between 7th and 8th), Reservation line: 212-675-1567

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

This Computer is Shooting a Cookie Jar Out of it. And other exciting cliparts.


What do you think about when you think about lesbians? I think about eating. Do you know why? Can you guess? My one friend said he thinks of cut fingernails. We have really good conversations.

Yo, I learn about a lot of cool stuff at work, like Jaculex. It actually works, what does it work at? Making dudes shoot huge loads. Apparently it's healthy for your cutie pootie lil prostate as well.

Ok, I have a lot of other fun stuff I'd like to tell you all about, not just this dirty stuff. But it will have to wait. I've got important things to do! Soon. Soooooon.

Monday, April 24, 2006

Charlie White


My artist friend turned me on to Charlie White's work recently and it struck such a chord in me unlike any other modern (this decade) artist. One thing that blows me away about some comic books artists is how they choose to communicate a complex idea in one story panel. Here, Charlie White opens up a world of themes, emotions and ideas in one simple picture. I guess that's what all art does, but I just feel like he is saying a whole lot, and he's saying it very pointedly, as opposed to the guessing games of abstract art.

Pink
Here's a video that he made. Charlie conveys a powerful statement about aesthetics in itself, in this video, the particularly girly/pop aesthetic as the woman is enveloped in the kitschy art of it. The music by Greg Weeks also excited me. Download that shit. The sound of organ is so moving.

On this webpage, PBS discusses one of his subjects:

"Who is Joshua? A life-size, puppet-like character created by artist Charlie White and the poster boy for all men who've ever suffered rejection and low self-esteem. EGG takes a look at White's photographs of Joshua in the suburban hell he inhabits, and with the artist's help, attempts to understand what it means to be an American male."



More on Charlie White.

On the Colonel Blimp website I discovered lots of great music videos, from artists I enjoy like Luke Temple, the Thrills, Bjork, Streets n stuff like that.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

The Sparks Phenomenon


There is just something about Sparks that drives people absolutely wild. This drink was introduced to me with great enthusiasm by these young men named Adam, Mark and Udi. You can pretty much depend on the fact that if you see them on the weekend, they will enthusiastically whip out some Sparks and proclaim their love for the drink, and when drinking Sparks, have much joy in their hearts.

But they are not alone. Young people across America, possibly around the world, are sharing in the love of this drink. But just what is Sparks?

The makers of Sparks say
Sparks is a ready-to-drink that contains 6.0% alcohol by volume with the addition of active ingredients caffeine, taurine and natural herbs guarana

And they call it an Alcohol Caffiene Taurine Hybrid.

That sounds delicious. The fusion of drunk plus energy attracts widespread praise in many forms, some of which can be found on websites, like the site PrettyPonyParty.

Here is one passage where the Sparks drinker proclaims:
"So there we were. Sunday. Drinking Sparks. Torturing the cat with an iron. GOOD GOD I HAVE TO SHIT RIGHT NOW BUT THIS BITCH IS IN THE THIRD STALL."
More passages on Sparks can be read here.

Wikipedia gives a pretty good introduction to the drink:
"Its flavor is similar to standard energy drinks such as Red Bull, Monster, and Rockstar, with a tart, citric, sugary taste. Much like Pixy Stix."
The website also reveals that it is created by the same masterminds who bring us PBR.

The folks over at Ilikesparks.info even enjoy sparks with a fancy meal:
"Simple, as always: organic spaghetti with a tiny bit of olive oil and some gorgonzola... Served with sparks."

It is clear to see that Sparks is a very special drink. Is it awesome? That is for you to decide. I like to encourage independent thinking. It's like they say, give a horse a fish, he eats that day. Teach a horse to fish, and then tickle him till he poos in his horsepants.

OK I got some meatball hotpockets to eat. Peace out.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

The instruction manual for a new board game.

me: i am indoors today because i need to write
him: Write what.
him: The instruction manual for a new board game.
me: yeah
him: I wish that were true.

LOW AND BEHOLD, IT SHALL BE:

Take the cardboard and put it on a flat surface

Roll the dice. If you get the number 7 you can move your gamepeice one space up on the board. The goal is to win the game. In order to win the game you have to move all the way to the end of the board, and then have all the money. If you make your way to the end of the board without having all the money, you have to take the camcorder provided with this game and make a sextape which must be broadcast on the internet or you will have bad luck for a couple of minutes. During these minutes you could potentially be stabbed by a bad guy.

NO RUNNING
You can't run around
You should sit down next to the game. It's not going to be comfortable if you are standing.
This game isn't like manhunt or capture the flag
You can't be in the game physically, you have to chose a representative piece. This is an exercise of the mind and soul.
The game pieces are made to scale with the game so they can fit on the cardboard, which is the playing area. The cardboard is a game playing surface. This is the world within which these rules apply. In order to play the game you must believe that what occurs on the cardboard has certain rules. To play the game with other people, you must ensure that the other people with whom you are playing the game agree with the rules setforth herein and that you all subscribe to the same ideology or the game will not work.

You can't just approach everything in life so half-assed. It's bad enough with the love handles and your pathetic social skills. You have to approach this game with a true competitive spirit.
When I was young I was in competitive choirs. In 7th grade I was one of two 7th graders in my school that made it into the New Jersey Regional Chorus. I was part of the elite group of Soprano 1s who could sing higher than everyone else, and we looked down upon the mediocrity of the Soprano 2s and the Alto 1s. This achievement brings me joy to this day and makes me feel that my life is worthwhile and valid.

The playmoney that comes with the game is not real money, and any jokes that involve pretending as though the money is real, and truly coveting the money as though it could be exchanged for goods and services in an establishment that is governed by the real world economy are not acceptable behaviors and will result in the forfeiture of the game.

Within this box you will find two melted ice cream cones. These two melted ice cream cones are the prize to the winner of the game. These two melted ice cream cones can be eaten, destroyed, or awarded with a medal of honor. The choice of what happens to these two melted ice cream cones is the gift of the winner, but these two melted ice cream cones cannot be taken for granted because it is immoral.

When selecting the gamepiece that represents you but is not actually you, be sure it is a good one. The unicorn with chubby rubber nuts is by far the best one. The shoe would only be selected by a bland individual who is greatly lacking in personality and a sense of drive and motivation. Watch out for the player that selects the shoe as his or her representative gamepiece. This individual should be destroyed upon completion of the game. Committing murder prior to playing this game will enable you to engage in this game with greater skill and success.

I've always really liked Mexican food and a taco is a simple and delicious Mexican dish to enjoy. I am eating a taco.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Yummy Weekend


My boss had another party last night. I realized it was one of the few times I attended one of his gatherings without a guy in tow. So I got a lot of "So where's your boyfriend???" And I don't know if they noticed it wasn't always the same guy. And I'd be all like "Well, that guy wasn't my boyfriend."

"No???"

"No, I was just doing him. You know, like how Bel Biv Divo and the crew used to do chicks." Which isn't actually what I said. I don't really know what to say cause I am always so confused when people are surprised that I don't have a boyfriend, or that I might just be dating a guy instead of going steady. Isn't that very normal? I often get asked questions like "So how do you meet guys, what's dating like for straight people?" Stuff like that. I don't really know how to answer that question. And it makes me think back on all the retards I've made kisses on in the past months, years. Yes, you Daves, all of you, you Dav"id" too. God help me if I never meet another Dave. Being around pornstars and 'hustlers' often makes me wish I could find me a super hot straight trick, no hassles, a professional. Just in and out no bullshit, no whining. Like Dylan McDermott (correction: Dermot Mulroney, jesus christ what kind of fucking name is that!) in that movie with that chick from Will and Grace and they try to make her seem charming and charismatic but she's just conservative and annoying and the hotness of the dude makes up for all of it. Yeah I saw that on my tv. You got a problem?

At work I came across this:

So, is that like an awesome white, Nordic remake of Boys in the Hood? Cause if so that's gotta be good.

Another weekend approaches. And the damn sneezing hasn't gone away. I will kill a human being if this doesn't stop soon. I mean seriously, hasn't this gone on for long enough? How's a girl supposed to be all awesome and loving life if she has to blow her nose all the while? ANSWER ME!

I am doing a show this Sunday at Rififi in the East Village. Check out my sidebar for links and info.

Speaking of boyfriends, I found this humorous poster on the internet.

Which brings me to this:

Ok, now I HATE smoking. And I am so super excited that smoking is finally illegal in NJ bars and restaurants, but this is stupid. DUH BROOKE SHEILDS OF THE 80S! Of course you're going to spoil your looks if you put the cigarettes in your ears!!! Smoking looks really cool if you do it right. You are supposed to light them on fire and put them in your mouth. Like a penis, Brooke. Like a penis.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

oh yeah, today's 4/20

don't forget to celebrate and uh, tell your family you love them and be thankful for stuff

What's that thing on your face?

Oh this? You mean this thing that looks like a "blemish" or "pimple" or whatever? Yeah, it is that. Why are you asking? Is there some reason you should have cause for concern for the fact that I have this imperfection? Do you have some possible information you simply must convey to me depending on the possible prescription of what exactly is on my face? Are you concerned that it might perhaps be some magical wizard disguising itself in the form of a pimple on my face, and were you told when you were a young boy that some day a wizard will surface on a young lady's face and you will be the only one able to stop that evil wizard from unleasing unspeakable evils upon the earth, but only if you find the wizard before it's too late? No? Ok then fucko, yeah. I have a pimple on the left side of my face above my cheek and below my eye. I know, life's just NUTSO, CRAAAZAAY in fact.

And this goes out to you too, Mr. "Are you finished with that plate, because although I can clearly see it's empty, I thought maybe you had some unfinished business with the plate itself that needed attending to" Waiterman.

Who is, of course, less annoying than, "So where's your boyfriend" Unattractive Man who talks to you while you clearly are not interested in speaking to anyone at the time, as indicated by your listening to your ipod and their convenient speakers which ordinarily remove you from the obligation of engaging in casual conversation with the world around you.

Moving on,

On Tuesday I ate a passover dinner with my family. There was bread on the table. And it was Tuesday.

Today is a beautiful, lovely, gorgeous day. Thank god. I like when all the New Yorkers come out of hibernation and linger in the streets and sidewalk tables. I also like other beautiful, lovely, gorgeous stuff. Like dinosaurs. They are really great. They always have been and they always will be.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Feelin like a pimp (accept for the part with selling hoes)


Ah God, I feel so much better today I could just tittyfuck the world! Praise Jesus. And my head is actually still congested, annoyingly so. But I felt better enough yesterday to see me some baby, some awesome baby. I saw the little baby boy and he's pretty damn cool. He makes these little yelpy noises every now and then like a puppy and it's great!

Anyways I am so glad to be in good spirits after a solid week of downtrodden crappiness.

So, like, if you haven't gotten the points I've been trying to make. Hmm, here's what I'm talking about:
Days prior, I was like


Now I'm like


Dude whatever! I can take whatever life throws in my face! Be it a hefty challenge, like a mathematics quiz, or be it a hefty sac of nuts- go ahead "life" make my day!

Monday, April 17, 2006

GODDAMN it Sharon Stone! Stop being so exciting in your contrived 40 plus promiscuity!

I actually wrote some other blog entries this week and scrapped em. So negative. No way. I don't want to read someone else complaining and I am not going to subject someone else to it. I still have this nightmare headcold and the whole time it's been here I've been feeling extremely down. After going out one night drinking during this cold and having it get worse I realized I really have to stay in. So I've missed out on a lot of things. During that time indoors I would have loved to write, but my head hurt too badly (congestion kind of thing) to do anything. Ah sheesh. No more complaining, but you get the picture.

There's these nights, Friday nights. They're in New York City. And people fight. Friday Night Fights NYC

I don't think the new season of the Sopranos is all that good. It seems they are just bringing out random ass storylines and not exposing any of the goodness that was around in earlier episodes.

This is a quote from this article.
Sidore is as real to me as a human woman,' explains Davecat, right, 28, a lab technician from Detroit in the US, as he gazes lovingly at the slim, raven-haired creature beside him. 'I imagine most people think anyone who loves dolls is a pervert, but I feel normal,' he says. 'And with my silicone girlfriend, I'm part of a couple who are infinitely healthier and happier than most couples.'


If Marie Claire can write about these fuckers, why can't I have myself a big page of literary weirdness? Cummon, gimmie a big page a big big one! On one side of the page you can have a picture of my beautiful left wrist- life size! And then you can challenge readers to draw a bracelet on the wrist. Prettiest bracelet wins a prize- free bacon mc muffins!!! And then on the right side of the page, if you thought it couldn't get any better with wrist, you were wrong, cause I will draw some hand etched letters, such as J, F, or P, and a picture of a fat snowman. Instead of plain borders on the page, I will write my last will and testament around the outside for good measure. Career in print media- why haven't you come to me!?

I'm getting juiced up for my one year anniversary spectacular, which is really just my half hour timeslot at the PIT on May 30. It will come after my return from Puerto Rico. Hopefully I will be all rejuvenated and ready to be awesome. If you're not sure what your position is on anything Heather Fink, perhaps your attendance on May 30th will assist you in your puzzlement.

Oh yeah, one more thing, my friend Christina and I made a madlibs (inspired by Jen's show madlibs) while on the subway last week. It goes like this:
Mrs. Astronaut likes to eat butt so much that she gallops her piggy and that's not good because her herpetic grandmother jizzed epilators.

And don't you forget it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Yay Baby Boy


kitties and babies have similar characteristics on account of babies sharp teeth and claws
I know that a lot of times finkdotcom is anti baby, but today it's very pro-baby (I'm suspicious of the babies, you have to be, they are not often trustworthy), one baby in particular- my new nephew!!!

YAYY

My sister had a little baby boy. But right now they can't decide if they want to name him Brandon or William. Someone suggested to me they name him Pacman. I guess I should call my sister up and suggest that name to her so as to make the decision easier since Pacman is a fine name for a boy.

Anyway, what sucks is that I am still totally sick and sneezy so I can't go see my sister or the baby in the maternity ward. Which is understandable cause I don't want to get all the little untrustworthy babies sick. I guess I'll have to give a follow up report when I see my new nephew cause I am excited and I'll surely want to talk about it. As I recall from my sister's first baby, my neice Madison, babies can be totally amazing. Which I didn't really know cause I never went up close to a baby before Madison was around. How'd their hands get so itty bitty??? What's up with them little face cheeks, baby? Damn, baby, what outfit you got on? You craaaazayy. Eatin mushy food in little jars. Damn, baby, you da bomb! Yay baby.

Friday, April 14, 2006

Other Stuff

My sister is about to make a baby within hours or something. I think tomorrow morning.

That cold really got the best of me. My head hurt so very terribly. I felt very grumpy and stuff like that.

Sometimes I can't think of the right thing to say to someone so then I don't say anything to them at all.

There's this party tonight where there's gonna be people from high school. I think it would be nice to stop by and see friendly faces. But I heard there was a cover charge. I don't think that someone should have to pay for such an activity.

The other morning this dude sat down next to me while I was waiting for the bus and it was way too early in the morning for a stranger to be chatting me up. He was all like "Why are you going in the city? Are you in the movies? Do you have a boyfriend? I bet he can't make you smile like I can." And I found him extremely annoying. But he made his visit worth my while by uttering this tempting offer "Ok baby, if you need me, I'll be over at McDonalds. You can meet me there."

And then of course I banged him in the ballpits while rubbing french fries on my face ... milkshake strewn about the room in ecstacy and delight.

I am performing at The Goldhawk in Hoboken for someone else's show on Sunday at 7pm, not my show though. Not Hoboken Comedy Night. So if you can't wait till April 30 to see me do my thing at the Goldhawk, this Sunday is your chance. Ohhhh how I tempt ...

This is the face

Last night, someone I know asked me to dress up like a greek or roman and whip him on stage in his comedy show. I thought, sure. Cool. Silly. Fun. But when I got there, he was like, yeah, you have to be a sexy gladiator, can't you make that outfit skimpier, can't you show more? Can you just tie that little piece of fabric around you? And I was like "hell no". And without making a fuss of it, or letting him know how I really felt, I just found something kind of revealing to throw on, and I did what I agreed to do. Thing was, I looked forward to being there and doing something silly. I just have no desire to simply be some T and A.

I felt humiliated. He knows I am a comedian. He really didn't seem to want me to do anything funny. I was just being "put in my place". I'm young. I'm female. I have some T and I have some A. And you know what? I am ok with showing and sharing it. I would pose in one of those men's magazines if I gained some notoriety one day- but only if I was there because it said "Heather Fink: Comedian", accomplished writer, Heather Fink: Woman with brains and thoughts and a force to be reckoned with. I'm not a model. I don't have a Victoria's Secret catalogue body. Those women want to be known just for their looks. I don't. I don't care. It's just silly because I don't even look like those women and I don't understand why anyone would want that from me when there's a million other ladies in the world who specialize in being hot. They aspire to it. The only reason I would show off any of my physical self is to say hey: this is what funny and powerful can look like. And to say hey: image means nothing, she doesn't look like she could be smart, she doesn't look like she could be funny, but she is. That's if one day I work hard enough and accomplish enough to have people think that. I know I am not there yet. I'm not satisfied with the quality of my standup. I know I can do better. I will.

Yes I am ok with having a little titty exposure here and there in my future (though I don't seek it) so long as ***any time anyone sees any of that titty they full well understand what kind of woman it's attached to***. And under those circumstances alone would something like that ever happen. Anyway, I am not some fucking comedian groupie. Networking is one thing, but I refuse to suck or fuck my way to the top. If anything, I want my own fucking groupies, not the other way around. I refuse to "pay my dues" in this way, though such offers abound.

Sometimes I wish to death that I didn't have so much "dignity", that I didn't have so many principles in the way all of the time, that I wasn't so difficult, that I wouldn't always be so compelled to speak my mind even when it burned bridges and displeased others. It would be easier. I would be having more fun. But I am just one of those people who realizes too much for her own good. I am a ruiner. But it makes those good moments so much better, so much more raw, so much more real.

And I am an optimist. I despise when someone becomes upset about something that might happen, instead of something that has happened. So I never assume or concern myself over negative outcomes until I am met with them. But I also expect and understand that bad things happen.

But I am drawn to a world with natural lighting- so I can see the makeup gracefully layered over flawed surfaces.

I just can't control myself. I can't behave, keep my mouth shut, be attractive on purpose, or forsake my principles for the benefits of others.
And I think it's beyond being immature. I think it's who I am.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Inferior Cellular Composition

Dammit organism that is my body! What kind of bullshit membranes allow some pussy ass bitch of a cold up in them? Huh?!
Stupid head.
Stupid tummy.
Stupid "throat".
STOP HURTING! I got these parties I want to go to, it’s not fair! Parties are IMPOTENT! Ha! Misspelling. I mean IMPORTANT. Parties can't be impotent cause they don't have vas deferenses.

Normally when I get sick, my emotions become vulnerable along with my immune system. Almost always I start feeling needy. Like I want to be hugged. And tucked in. And snuggled. And someone else to give me soup and stuff. And then I always miss exboyfriends. But right now I don’t feel any of that. I mean, yes I do want to be snuggled, but not any more than normal. And don’t get the wrong idea that just cause I want snuggling and shit that I am not a hard ass gangsta. I kill animals. I break dance. You know that I’m for real. You know that I’m super racist and want to bring violence upon those different from me, of course- it’s me! Finky!!!

But I’m suffering of apathy and a mild case of nihilistic lobotomy. Like this:
How are you Heather?
Eh.
Not good, not bad. All good things and bad things happening lately seem pretty balanced. I’m making progress in some areas of my life, and I’m being held back by others. I hate plateaus, so at least I’m not stagnant. But it just seems that anything that happens doesn’t last long enough to throw me into a state of anything in particular.


I guess I’m just reaching the benchmark of being content with being single. I’ve admitted on this very blog that I might as-well-a-face-it-I’m-addicted-to-love. But, I dunno. I’m not feeling particularly loved or unloved and it’s whatever. I guess maybe I am ready to be super single again. And by super single that means I’ll be slutting it up bigtime. And by slutting it up bigtime I mean that I will go out and find no one particularly attractive, get wasted, flirt a little, and then listen to a guy talk and become discontent with the state of the human race. And then fall asleep and wake up and jerk off. With my big penis. And by my big penis I mean the one that I found on the side of the highway when I was doing my routine weekend gravel collecting.

In other non gravel related news, I really enjoyed doing Jen’s show on Monday. It was a great space, great audience, and it was the kind of place where I could really get into my zone. That one show that you can see on my site was not me in my zone. Laugh Lounge and Standup NY crowds aren’t exactly my peeps. I like shows with no red light to cut you off and no fucking tourists. But I do enjoy pleasing them too if I can. Anyway. I’m gonna go take those little tissues out of my nose that have been shoved up there to stop the running. Hey, it ain’t easy being so attractive all the time, but somebody’s gotta do it.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

sucks to my assmar

fuck! fuck fuckiddy fuck

no time to write again

will try tonight

or will catch up with a long ass novel of a blog

dammit

Please read "Greatest Hits" on my sidebar, (the right side of the page) under the little flickr photo thumbnails, if you need shit in your brains.

And like John D. Rockafeller said,
"When all else fails, show them another picture of a prosthesis."

Monday, April 10, 2006

When we rock, we rock prosthesis

Show in Brooklyn in 2 hours.
(7:30)
http://petescandystore.com/petes_map.html
That's a map of where the place is.

I wanna go to the Pretty Pony Party tomorrow. In spite of or because of all the inevitable ice creams at a party with attractive ponies.

By the way, Moses Martin is untrustworthy. In his first hours of life I heard he was acting really shady and pissing people off like nonstop.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

i'm drunk
and right now i am so in love with you
and i don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do

That was one of my most favorite opening lines of a song. That’s a Nine Inch Nails song. Get with the program. What program?

Why none other than the ADHD treatment program, OF COURSE! I can’t believe yooooo didn’t know that! OMG. I am embarrassed really. You need better educationing.



Last night I went to Tiki Barber’s birthday party (birthday, ha! More like girthday, he has a huge penis or so I am told wink wink) by invite from my friend Neil who is really nice and lives in a beautiful loft in Chinatown which smells of the sweet perfume of shrimp crackers. Tiki Barber had 5 birthday cakes. I was hoping he would eat one whole one, but he didn’t. Pictures on Monday.

Yo, there’s some pretty crazy shit happening in the city tonight:
---------
Trashion Saturday

Join the Urban Gypsy Circus as we convert a SoHo loft space into a
trash-fueled memetic battleground orgy of multimedia creation and
destruction. Featuring a lingerie body paint room, a hula hoop
competition, and the music of N.R.O., Golden Child, Chan, Singapore
Kane, Isa Majal, and Mat Namer, with Dru Klein spinning the best
dance tracks you've never heard and the lovely Miz Metro MCing.

The Urban Gypsy Circus is a free form new media collective which
promotes social awareness and aesthetic freedom through fluid-
interactive-live music-art gallery-dance parties.

149 Wooster Street, between Houston and Prince, Manhattan
8p doors, open bar 8-10p-late; $10, $25 VIP open bar all night with
topless bartenders
----------

Dance Like Forever

So, every month or so we have a dance party. Not just any lame ass
dance party, but a dancelikeforever event. These events are produced
by an amazing group of people who put in their all to make sure our
guest have an amazing and unique experience each time. There are also
countless others who also contribute their time, money and photos to
these events: most just by showing up.

What are they all about? Good dance music: from Prince to the latest
underground house track. The whole loft is done up with drapes,
murals, visual effects and beautiful people.

Center Stage
48 West 21st Street, fourth floor, at 6th Avenue, Manhattan
10p-4a; $10
http://www.dancelikeforever.com/


Neat. We will see if I investigate these happenings. Right now my head hurts a lot on account of whiskies.

I’ll tell you what else. I almost cried in the comic books store yesterday. You see, I am all emotional and pissy cause I am bleeding out my womanhole, and I have fallen so in love with Starman that I must read more. There’s 10 volumes and I only finished 2. Well I couldn’t find 3 and 4, and then I find out that the series it OUT OF FUCKING PRINT! nNOONnnonono. It’s so sickeningly good. Like Preacher good almost. What they had in the store was just what they had left over in stock. Well I did find every volume at amazon.com and one used one that was normal price of volume 4. But no 3! Well I went all over the internet and found it for 150 bucks. WTF! I checked again today and it was 50. That’s cool. So long as all Starman can be mine.

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And this is the introduction to Starman 2 written by Roger Avary- that guy who does the screenplays for all the Bret Easton Ellis stuff like Rules of Attraction and also wrote Pulp Fiction. I liked it enough to share it with you.

As I write this introduction I wonder whether anyone is actually reading it. I mean, I know what when I sit down to read an anthology collection of comic books. I pass right by the introduction and jump into the reason I bought the book in the first place. The introduction is sort of like foreplay, and if I were actually taking part in a sexual act I’d most definitely take great interest in the foreword… but comics aren’t sex. They’re what you do when you can’t get sex. Sort of like masturbation. Sort of. Now, I don’t know about you, but when I masturbate I don’t bother with imagining foreplay… I cut right to the chase. Forewords and introductions, I believe, are meant to be read before a secondary or tertiary reading. Something to read when you’ve already been through the story once or twice before.

So, unless you've already read this collection once before, I suggest you turn the page quickly and get into the main course. It's not like I'm going to reveal any spoilers in this introduction, it's just that you really must be anally fixated if you're reading this sequentially to be thorough. You're probably the kind of person whobys a magazine and actually reads the letter from the editor and the letters before you flip forward to the articles. God help you if you read all articles in the order they've been printed.

I'm going to assume that if you are still reading and you haven't been through the book once already that you're a total freak. Don't expect any enlightenment in the material here that you won't find on your own. I've just been hired to vacillate and wax adoringly over the creative stars that came into allignment to make these comics possible. That I can do with a good conscience ... anything else (anything in the arena of intelligent criticism) should really be left to someone else. You see ... I'm just a fan. Like you.


I am also planning my Puerto Rico trip and getting mad excited. I found out about this beach which is on a small island off PR, and it's one of the world's most unspoiled beaches. It's near the Virgin Islands, and those are mad nice, so this should be amazing. I also wanna visit the rainforest and waterfalls. Anybody have any Puerto Rico tips?

Finally: This is what I sound like when I make love.

Friday, April 07, 2006

sorry no new post in 2 days
been a little busy
must
find
prize inside

new post coming soon
with 100 percent more capitalization and a moderate increase in punctuations.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Everywhere he goes, there I be ...


I just discovered these videos today on Youtube:

Mardi Gras at the Roxy
Michael is the one being videotaped by the other camera.

In the background at the GAYVN awards

The boos at the GAYVN awards

And for something unrelated and more gay:
Harmonic Gayvergence

HEY, by the way, I am reading Starman. Just finished Watchmen. Here's my current order of liking comic books:
1. Preacher by Ennis
2. Watchmen by Moore
3. Ex Machina by Vaughan
4. Y the Last Man by Vaughan
5. Starman by Robinson
6. Fables by Willingham
7. Batman: The Dark Knight Returns by Miller
8. V for Vendetta by Moore
Haven't liked some, they aren't on the list.

This Starman character is so great cause basically there's this dad, and he was Starman, and then he had 2 sons. One was like Goofus and one was like Gallant. The good one always wanted to be Starman and so he was but he gets killed. The other is kinda bad, used to sell drugs and stuff- an outcast always pissing off his dad. But then shit goes down and everything is fucked up and there's no Starman and the Goofus type son realizes he has to be the hero but he doesn't want to be- so he's not really a bad guy, he's just bad-ass. And it's really cool to have the hero be someone who thinks being a superhero is stupid bullshit.

Anyhow, I realized that I find this character extremely attractive, a lot of the heroes. And I don't care that you think it's lame that I think comic heros are sexy. Everyone wants to bang Bruce Wayne and if they don't they are nothing but liars and cheats. What I love most are these guys who have this relentless morality. Like inside they do the right thing always, but it's not like a Brady Bunch right thing. It's a bad-ass right thing. I don't like nice guys but I also don't like assholes. I like good, interesting guys. Too often the nice guy is a boring person with no depth or character. And assholes are just fuckheads who are totally interesting, but they are like diseases and they ruin things.

No, the perfect guy has deep moral convictions, a strong sense of personal responsibilty to virtue, and treats people with respect. But he's not a douche. He drinks, he parties, he's amazing at touching my down-theres, and he can kick your ass if your ass deserves kicking. I'm telling you- this quality is one I've only sort of seen in a guy now and then. Of all the qualities that I like in a guy, this is the only one that will sweep me off my goddamn feet.

I need a hero.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Things have been recorded


You can see my standup from last Tuesday at the Laugh Lounge here:
Click these words to see my standup. THANK YOU Jarrah for the video! Jarrah's site is here: www.genandjarrah.com. Contact him if you have any camera/director or editor needs. You can be sure he's well good. He's getting his masters at NYU's film school.

There's some things I don't like about my performance, but it helps me to see where I need to improve. Either way- it's my internet stand-up debut!! Woo hah.

Last nights' Hoboken Comedy Night was a little off. The sun being up when the show started was definitely weird. I think I might make the show a little later. Like at least 7:30.

I created a J Date profile this weekend because that website fascinates me. I said in my profile that I am not really looking for dates, and I am not particularly Jewish, only half, and hope to have no organized religion in my life whatsoever. I guess I wanted to see what people would say cause I am pretty sure that's against the whole point of the site. I got lots of messages but I can't read them because then I have to pay a monthly fee and I am too cheap for that. Ironic, no? But what I really want is to be able to say "I met him on J Date." Maybe part of my motivation comes from being in a relationship with a Jewish man who I couldn't stay with cause I wasn't Jewish enough and didn't want a Jewish future with him. But please believe me, this isn't hostile. The experience has just created great curiousity about cool Jewish people who are still exclusive about their faith and what that's all about - I'm very curious about awesome Jewish people who I know and love but still want to remain conservative and insular about their dating activities. Vincent Gallo thinks I'm Jewish enough, and he doesn't have to settle. He told me so but that's another story.

I was eating a fine pasta dinner with two gentlemen last night when I reached in my purse and was greeted by lots of lube. I had a bottle of lube in my bag which had opened up and got all over my stuff. My belongings are officially their most slippery ever. And while you might think: yay! slippery possessions! It's rather unpleasant. I guess I don't need to have lube on me at all times and I suppose I can stomach life's little lube needing emergencies completely lubeless.

This one time my lazy hippy friends and I smoked herbs on the national mall, and then I forgot that earlier that night I had stolen butter packets from the dining hall to put in my dorm fridge. I put the butter packets in my jacket pocket. I put my hands in my pockets. The butter had melted. My hands were covered in butter. So basically I am saying that I know how to party.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Ode to the NCAA basketball games and modern rap

The balls go in the hoopies
And all these skeets skeets skeets skeet
All these bitches crawl
The basketballs they drop hard and fall
But ooh girl you nasty
You nasty
You nasty
Ooh girl you nasty you nasty
George Mason sucks your nuts till they hurt
And not it's time for Kurt
(Freestylin)
Kurt Vonnegut on the mike 1 2 3
Harrison Bergeron don't need to be futuring me
I do my what I want when I can and I please
I bet all money on the losing team
(end of interlude)
Sippin on some sizzurp till I can't sip no more
I don't even understand sports much but I like brackets
cuz their brackety shape reminds me of sluts and sluts are where the party's at

WORD fucking peace out

SHIIT!
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I hope that was relevant for all you Motherfuckers