Monday, May 29, 2006

THIS IS A REPULSIVE TABLE IN A PHOTO


Ok so here we are and the Day has been memorialized. It's Tuesday, and it's almost June. Let's see what we've got on the table:

1 salmon, whole, wild Alaskan
2 pocketbooks full of styrofoam pellets
5 half-eaten yogurt cups, lemon chiffon
1 smaller table
6 European lotions, spa treatments specifically for the upper arm
1 Pamphlet for Devry University, ample candle wax drippings all over its surface

Do you see the table? Do you see its contents? (in your mind's eye) Good. This is the table of my soul. Now that I have let you in, please help me. My soul is crap. I want diamond encrusted kitties rather than what I have got. But you can't always get what you want. But you can always hit. Don't forget your human capacity to hit in the face. Also, don't forget your ability to google the word capacity.


NOW- what do I have on the figurative table?
Well:
I am a new contributor to www.girlspoke.com. It's a really cool website that describes itself as such: "We are a bunch of women hand-picked by Meme for our good looks, wit, style and our uncanny ability to make complete asses of ourselves in socially awkward situations." My first article is up today. It's dirty and if you like it when I talk like that, you'll like this. I will be writing for girlspoke every Tuesday. Thanks Meme!

And I have a show tonight that I very much want you to attend. I'll give you free beer if you do! See the show info below. (At the PIT at 8pm)

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STUFF!
So this awesomely whacky makeup artist I know has created the ultimate website for chicks who love products- the kinds that you put on your face.
Check out which goodies get KJ's seal of approval here.

On Friday night I had a great time at Lit Lounge. It was a mixture of one part good company and one part awesome DJ. Catchdubs rocked our night really hard and it enabled us to freely dance like fools with much enthusiasm. I asked him for his card and he gave me a free CD of his music. Score! It was the perfect accompaniment for this weekend of sunshine. Check out Catchdubs.

I've loved David Rees for a long time. If you've spotted me in a tshirt that reads "My Fighting Techniques are Unstoppable." it's from him. Here's a video of the man lecturing at Columbia and talking about his well-known clipart comics. There's parts you'll want to fast forward, but it's a great bit of political discussion fused with funny. Click here for David Rees Columbia lecture.


This is a gallery
of famous people from the past few decades who've done nude or semi-nude Rolling Stone covers. It's got everything from OJ Simpson to 90's Anniston. I hope some day they feature naked animals touching each other. But then again, who doesn't?

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Buy tickets now to Tuesday's show

Hey dudes. I am doing PIT Bosses this Tuesday. It will be a show unlike my other shows since it's a half hour show and I am going to spice it up quite a bit.

You can buy tickets here now:
http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/2492
Tuesday May 30
8pm
154 W 29th St
2nd fl
btwn 6th and 7th Aves near Subway.

212 563 7488
info@thepit-nyc.com
http://www.thepit-nyc.com

Please come! It will make me like you sincerely.

Friday, May 26, 2006

This sexy fish is for you because you are sexy mi amor

Hola mi amor. Did you ever make love in a sweaty basket on a Sunday while eating a plastic camel figurine? No? Well then you haven't experienced nothing. I will love you all up and down your ashy forearms and then pinch your knees with my rubbery fingers. Then at long last when you think you cannot take any more exquisite pleasure, I will ram a stick of sunwarmed butter, sweetly and gently into your left eyelid. After this activity has been executed to completion, I will bring you to my mother's house, where we will make sex inside of the mouth. Grrrr mon amor. Grrr.

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This summer's free films in Hoboken have been announced. They are great- something worth coming to from the city. It's on the Pier by the PATH so you watch with the NYC skyline in the background. I love the selections this year::

MOVIES UNDER THE STARS - Free
Pier A Park
Every Wednesday Night
begins at sunset
in June & July approx. 9pm
In August approx. 8pm to 8:30pm

Bring a blanket & low chair & picnic basket

June 7th The Squid & the Whale
June 14 Good Night & Good Luck
June 21 Crash
June 28 The Producers
July 12 Brokeback Mountain
July 19 Walk the Line
July 26 Rent
Aug 2 March of the Penquins
Aug 9 Curious George
Aug 16 Wallace & Grommit
Aug 23 Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire
Aug 30 King Kong

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MC Hammer has a blog. Because of this and other similarities, Heather Finks are 98 percent similar in genetic makeup as MC Hammers. It is the 2 percent that is the most fattening and should be avoided.

My friend Kelly is a rock photographer in Toronto. Check out her site: www.scopophilia.ca

Ok you stupid bitches. It's WEEKEND TIME. Memorial Day 2006 VETERANS N SHIT ROCK THE MONDAY LIKE NOBODY'S BUSINESS.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

Yay Puerto Rico

This vacation to Puerto Rico was one of my best trips ever! At least it was the most fun. Shayna (who is well known for being like warm cupcakes) was an amazing travel companion and she shared my insatiable thirst for adventure. One theme paved the way for the entire vacation. Everytime something seemed like it might suck, it ended up either turning out awesomely, or just plain working out.

Yay airport!For example, our flight was delayed for 3 hours due to a Thunderstorm. But I bumped into a fun friend from high school, and he happened to be a member of the President's Club, so we hung out in the lounge drinking free drinks and catching up on old times.

Numero Uno at Ocean Park, San Juan
Then we get to our first hotel at night. Numero Uno Guesthouse. It's a perfect and really cute little place that was only 100 bucks for the night. It's right on the beach in Ocean Park. We had a day there in the sun where we got our first bit of sunburn. Our skins were on fire but it was ok cause there were yummy drinks and soft sand. Before we left for our ferry to Culebra, the most whitest man in the world started talking to us. He was very bland. So much so that we liked it. He made a point to apologize on behalf of the Puerto Rican people for being poor and uneducated, and hoped that he could set an example as a good Puerto Rican since he had no accent, went to college, had lots of money, and had most likely just hopped off the Yacht up in Hyannisport. Then he proceeded to name facts about the island. Highlights included population density and information about the nation's Gross Domestic Products.

DSCN2331
Finally we left for the ferry to Culebra. We got there too early and it was entirely unpleasant waiting in the hot sun. We were really cranky and uncomfortable. But much like our airport delay, fun was around the corner. These two 18 year old Puerto Rican boys who just finished high school sat down next to us and started talking. They win the award for most hilarious. They were very energetic and had lots of funny questions. Although their favorite question was whether American girls were easy like in American Pie and whether or not we went around kissing other girls (answers which we would not induldge to the teenage minded boys because it seemed icky), they had a lot of other things to say. And they were drunk. One boy was amazing though. He had gotten into fancy schools like Harvard and was going to become a surgeon. If I was 18 I suppose I would have fancied him hardcore. Anyway we finally got on the island, thoroughly entertained, and hopped on over to Flamenco beach, driven in a Publico (big shared van) where the driver had a bottle of rum he drank while driving. FUN!

Flamenco Beach
The next day we enjoyed Flamenco. It's pristine and perfect and all sorts of awesome. We stayed at Culebra Beach Villas and got a private villa for 125 a night. Also awesome. We went into town and while there, a guy overheard us talking about how we wanted to see the little islands (you can take a water taxi to them). He offered us to join him and his sailor friend. It only cost 30 bucks per person vs. 100 per person which they normally charge for a private charter. (but that's the next day) Everywhere we met there were tons of interesting people who would just go up to us and start talking. This night, some Puerto Rican guys in their 20s started talking to us. One was cute and the other totally sucked. They actually just sat on the hammock outside of our villa waiting for us to ohttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.gifpen the door, where they waited, smiling patiently. While the cute one was perfectly entertaining, the other one was awful, yet hilarious. He only said three things and he said them repeatedly:
1. I am veteranerian from Ponce, Ponce Veteranarian.
2. This is my bulldog, see my bulldog. It says my name on it (as he pulled down the corner of his shorts to reveal his tattoo, showing us uninvited crotch action).
3. (as translated by his more fluent friend) He says he wants to sleep with one of you.
These 3 things were repeated in rotation every few minutes. His voice strongly resembled the Fez character from that 70s show. We did not sleep with him.

DSCN2400 Then we went on our boat trip to Culebrita! This island is incredible. It's an uninhabited little place you can only get to by boat. It has perfect white sand and perfect clear waters. You can see all the way to the bottom of the ocean from 30 ft or more- you don't even need a snorkel. The guys we went with were great. Pedro was an American guy who now lives in Culebra and is just plain friendly. He just wanted some company and was happy to come on the trip. Federico was so awesome. He was our own private pirate. He looked exactly like Christopher Meloni, but he had a thick leathery tan, had to have been 50 years old, had a lovable belly, and sounded like a pirate. He was the sexiest older man I ever met, but he never hit on us or anything. This man had travelled the seas and had wild adventures. He loved talking about eating seafood and enjoyed cold beers. They were so fun. While there we explored some crazy rock formations and walked across the island to the other beach. It rocked.
DSCN2390
Later that night we went and got drunk at a seafood restaurant and it was just lovely. Unfortunately, there were no cabs on this side of the island back to our hotel late at night on a weekday, so we were stranded and it sucked. But then these Americans had a car and gave us a free ride back. Thumbs up! They were super nice and happy to help out.

Next we had our final day in Culebra, just enjoying the beach and a super yummy meal at Mamacitas. We went back on the ferry and arrived at our last hotel: Water Club in San Juan on Isla Verde. It's San Juan's version of W Hotel and we got a deal where it was 150 for the night. It was fantastic: rooftop pool and bar, waterfalls in the elevator, and all around fun decor. Later that night we went to Old San Juan. It's a gorgeous, slightly sketchy part of town that looks just like a European city. We wondered around into this place that is for seafarers to have a place to chill while in town. It had a great view. Then we searched for a restaurant and happened upon this Indo-Carribe place while looking at the menu at the same time as these friendly guys. We shared a table where we got great food, drinks, and a hookah. There was even a belly dancer. Yay! Later my friend Tom and his girlfriend Jessica who live in San Juan joined us as well. They were the nicest guys and we went back and hung out at the hotel bar on the roof. Later we went on the beach, and, well. I went skinny dipping with one of these nice, young, cute guys in the middle of San Juan and made some memories. All in all, it was a great night.

On our final day, we pretended to be guests of the Ritz Carlton and enjoyed their luxe pool and ammenities. We then met up with our new friend, Jesse, for lunch. We had a great day and a wonderful meal, chillin in the sun. The rest of his friends did not make it for lunch. Jesse was so sweet he even ended up giving us a ride to the airport. Anyway, he and his friends were in San Juan cause they were airforce guys, their base happens to be in Jersey. Anyway, in conversation, Jesse, who did not know about my skinny dipping excursion, revealed that all of his friends were married. In fact, the boy I thought was sweet and wonderful, actually was a father of new born twins. It was at this point that I knew my vacation was fucking over.

DSCN2416
So yeah, for much of the plane ride I was left with utter disgust. I am completely horrified that I made out with a married man, no less, a daddy. This guy certainly initiated things and though I am happy they didn't go all that far, they went far enough. It's just awful being on that side of the equation. That would have been a happy memory, hot naked guy in the moonlight and the warm ocean at our feet. But UGH. Just thinking of this guys unknowing wife, a new mother nonetheless, and how he lives his life just acting like she doesn't exist ... it's soooooo depressing. I don't know how "other women" do it- women who know that a guy is taken. I found it absolutely heartbreaking to think how shitty it must be for this woman that this is her man. And it just drilled that point into my mind, when you get jealous over someone or know they were with someone else- "Did you like it?" "Was it as good as me?" Well I don't know, but in this case, he seemed to fucking love it all, and he very efficiently hid all evidence of having someone else in his heart in seconds. Ugh. Why people even get married (aside from babies) is beyond me. Either you're in it or you're not.

Anyhow, here I am on Thursday, and with sleep I was able to shake that yucky guy. I am left with one hell of a fun vacation- exactly what I needed, and I feel refreshed and happy as can be. YAY. Fucking hell yeah yay.

And I learned a new phrase:
Tu grande ano es muy bonita.
Your large anus is very pretty.

Actually, I just learned the word ano and took it from there. But I mean it. It's lovely.
I'm back.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/heatherfink/

Friday, May 19, 2006

Hooray, I'm going on Holiday!


Kelly Pickler is illiterate and it's just so fucking endearing. I saw her on that wonderful Access Hollywood program and they were showing her words and asking her how to say them and she had no idea. I'm glad pretty Kelly is out there showing kids just how cute it is to speak with the proficiency of an oxygen-deprived mind. But no, seriously, it is entertaining.

This reminds me of the little thoughts that dance like sugar plums in my head some mornings, but the chicks are dudes or whatever ... And I like this one too. Read more Viceland Dos and Don'ts.


Isn't it soooo cute of Mr. Cutie Pootie El Presidente to distract the country from the War in Iraq with his interactive "Fuck with the Immigrants" game? I think so too. Remember, if you've pissed someone off about something you can't fix, ruin something else and they'll totally forget.


Free samples.

The Da Vinci Code opens this weekend. Spoiler Alert!!! Supposedly it is a lovely tale of two blonde teenagers exploring their sexuality on the Ivory Cost of West Africa. When one girl loses her virginity, she soon also loses her wallet, leaving her to adjust to a life amongst the native people, where she gets in touch with her roots. As her friend is ready to leave, she finds that she has fallen in love with the simple way of life on the coast, but is also filled with bloodthirsty rage, which is a combination of her sexual appetite along with her anger over losing her wallet, which contained her collection of ironic cards, such as "World Class Bitch" Club, and Member of the Titty Inspectors which reminded her of her first boyfriend because he was good at inspecting titties. Soon she murders a lot of people, and then after all of that, she finds her wallet on her nightstand- it was there all along! In the end of the movie she eats all of the sandwiches the Opus Dei made for their party celebrating one of the Opus Dei guys' having one year of sobriety after his crippling alcoholism. But she's really lovable so they laugh together and the two blonde teenagers are BFFs forever, never forgetting their fantastic idiosyncratic adventures.

Yesterday I packed really quickly and thought I was going to have a boring night, but in the end I wound up having an unexpectedly awesome time in Hoboken. I fly on a plane to Puerto Rico in hours! WOOO WoOOO yay. I can't wait.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Check out what I got

I am so happy I could cover myself in neoprene and wash a puppy with one arm! (A one armed puppy that is, I'd surely need two arms to wash a puppy. One to soap him up and the other to drink my 'puppy-washin' beer.)

Why so happy? Cause I am going to Puerto Rico tomorrow! I'll be spending most of my time at Flamenco Beach. Check out Flamenco Beach.

Check out (newly married) comedian Jennifer Dziura's hilarious Sex Toy Blog.

Upcoming Hoboken Comedy Nights are going to be awesome. Check out the lineups.

Check out my kindling.

photo by mike stone www.photo.net.au/gallery
photo from www.photo.net.au

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I tried a lot of new places in the NYC lately. So I figured I'd tell you all about them because I am generally a really nice person.


Angel's Share
:
Surrounded by a mixture of cheesy NYU student bars with some gems mixed in, Angel Share's location is a little surprising. It's one of those semi-hidden places. You can find it near St Marks and 9th St (that weird angular intersection), and it will say Angel's Share on the awning. You go through the ordinary looking Japaese restaurant to an unmarked wooden door. When you get there you must wait to be seated, and behave yourself. Behaving isn't my favorite, but the relaxed atmosphere and amazing cocktails and food make it worthwhile. We ordered 2 appetizers: the Satay mixture and the Sashimi assortment and they were outstanding. A great after work thingy.

Jadis:
The ULTIMATE wine bar. This new LES spot is a block away from Freeman's Alley with a much calmer vibe. Go all the way to the back where you will feel like you are in a living room. The luxe leather couches certainly help, and they even have a fire escape/porch area for all of the smokers. The wines and food selection rock. It's euro-cheese plate type fare, but enough selection to make a dinner. I liked it better than 'inoteca, and since they are near each other, unless you get an outdoor table at 'inoteca, I think Jadis is a better choice.

The Annex:
152 Orchard btwn Stand and Rivington
A gorgeous new, large bar. Great stage too. I really think the scene depends on the night and who is performing because they do feature new bands. A great private party space is in the basement.

5Ninth:
GORGEOUS space. Across from Pastis. The Garden is lovely- perfect spot for bruch. Lounge and restaurant space as well. Great find in the meatpacking.


The Capital Grille
:
Old school, business suits, waiters that would possibly rub one out for you if they thought it would contribute to your dining experience. This taste of old New York reminds you that Americans over the age of 40 do in fact spend time in New York City. Salad and dessert- thumbs down. Filet Mignon and red wines- thumbs wayyyy up.

The Back Room (aka the LES Toy Room):
102 Norfolk St
Great spot- cosy, drinks served in mugs, but the shitty part is that they are strict at the door so all of your friends may not get in, especially if they look young

Decibel:
(9th near 2nd Ave.)
Good music, great drinks, food's not so good. I ate wasabi octopus and that was one of the least pleasant things I've put in my mouth. The desert, sweet potato with caramel, is glorified sweet french fries. Thumbs down.

Still dying to try:
Ditch Plains- new oyster and beer bar on Bedford
Pegu Club
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Finally, I wanted you to know: I'm having your baby. With a side of filo-encrusted salmon topped with a beet reduction and anjou goat cheese souffle meatpackets. I'm not sharing.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006



and is also more famous than me.

A little cat in a ceiling that watches people masterbate is more famous than I, making rounds across emails and myspaces abroad.

Is this a tip that life is handing my way? That I should change my ways? That for all the pomp and circumstance I create, I ought to look at things more simply to achieve the notoriety I desire? That all I must do is cut a hole in a ceiling and peep out of it while people touch their junk and also be a cute cat? Is that all?

Well I'll be. Some folks just have all the ideas.

One day I'll be a somebody. One day.

Monday, May 15, 2006

New Jersey: At least we don't have gators eating people like in your crap state.



Also, there's something I wanted to tell you about, because sometimes, KITTIES JUST GOTSTA HUG!!!

FUCKIN HUG IT OUT KITTIES.

I want a Honda Fit. I like Hondas. I like little cars that are easy to park. But I am not going to spend money on it.

I loved tonight's Hoboken Comedy Night. The performers were so enjoyable.

Hey, guess what, I am gonna bitch about something that sucks. But then get over it. But I am a little excited cause I can bitch about this here. Often times I don't bitch about stuff that's really bothering me, especially stuff in the past fews days, because I have to protect people's anonymity. But hellz yeah I am pissed at someone who totally doesn't read this! Yay ...

So: My friend is living in this amazing apartment in Manhattan that's an incredible price for what it is. She just moved in and it's a 3-bedroom and one person is moving out next month. So I talked to her and they were all like- yay you should totally take this room, no hesitation at all- the girl had excitement about the idea of me moving in. And then I told my roommate about it- and it was awful timing cause she had a lot going on and I didn't want to stress her out- but I also couldn't wait to tell her cause it was time sensitive. Anyway, I figure shit out with my roommate and my landlord (my lease was ending soon anyhow) and then I think I'm all good to go. Only my friend says this girl wants to see new people to have them look at the apartment- strangers off craigs list. Long story short, I have to wait for days to get an answer out of this girl, only for her to say that she doesn't like the idea of me moving in cause me and the other girl are already friends and she wont feel comfortable and will feel left out or something. cuntcuntcuntcuntcunt. Anyways, it was very shitty cause I had to make arrangements in response to the situation all for not. So yeah, for those of you who I told I may be moving to Manhattan- I'm not. Yet. Fall or Winter I'll be searching for a reasonable place. Bollux.

PS- I think I figured something about finding meaning in things. I spend much time engaged in circular, frustrating thoughts about the meaninglessness of existence, but recently I realized that like love, meaning is not something you can search for or find. If you go about looking for meaning, you can't find it. Meaning happens. Relationships, moments, and circumstances happen and you can't control that much. There is nothing you can do to guarantee fulfillment or success or meaning in your life. Just do what you believe is right and life takes it from there.

Peace out Sunday.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Stuff that happened recently

Yo check out this recent discovery I made:

Click on this link for all of your modest apparel needs!
Bitches want modest apparel right quickly!

Last night at the Sirius radio launch of OutQ radio, I saw a live performance by Rufus Wainwright. Goddamn that man has a beautiful voice. And he's so pretty. Kind of like a less insane looking Cillian Murphy. Sigh ... Hmm. I wonder which gay celeb I'd like to un-gay the most. Well, actually this one guy that we work with, Wilfried. He's one of the hottest people I've ever seen. Here's a picture of him on a boxcover. (He's not naked and he's the one on the right)

I was at a French restaurant for lunch today. I had heard of sweetbreads before and knew they were something gross but not exactly what they were. So I figured why eat chicken when I can eat somethin crazy that I might not like ...and they were delicious. I thought they were brains but then googled them when I got back to work. Here, learn with me:
Sweetbreads are the thymus and pancreas glands of animals. They are a light meat that is firmer in texture than brains.

My favorite website that I learned about from an industry magazine that I get at work is mean bitches. They are the best! You must read about them and all the face sitting that they do. NSFW.

And I just got the worst manicure ever from a Vietnamese trannie who I believe was coked up. She kind of threw stuff at my nails. Then I paid her. God that was so hot.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Webbernators


naughty little bitch

So I saw an ex-boyfriend slash now my friend last night at an event he performed in, and I honestly don't feel sad or angry or wanties to get back together, but still, almost no matter what, nobody EVER likes any new bitches in your exbitches life. I mean unless the relationship is LONG dead and they are like getting married or he's found true happiness and you can feel happy for him. Like I like my first superboyfriend's (I guess a superboyfriend is one that lasts a long time) woman and they live together and I am sincerely happy about that pairing cause I know she's one of those make-him-a-better-man chicks.

Anyhow. If whatever it was ended less than 2 years ago, I think it's safe to say that whatever hole they deposited their filet-o-fun into is going to annoy you. And seriously, I saw this chick I knew he crotch-touched and we didn't talk, and I didn't even stick around after the show cause I had other gittins to go to, but just the sight of her big ass smile annoyed the momentary fuck out of me. I mean, I've never met the girl, but an instantanous mental catfight occured in my mind as I caught sight of her. It lasted but a minute, but it was intense enough to conjure the meanest little judgements based on her presence alone. "That waspy big smiled horsey little bitch. God her smile is so ... Kathy Lee Gifford. FUCK!" And what's funny is that she looked at me with recognition, and god bless her for that bit of normalcy. See, I know she's had to have seen me on his active myspace and friendster pages. And now people- am I right here? Any person with an ounce of sanity should be compelled to investigate the exes or suspicious members of the opposite sex that are obvious on the page. Am I right? Yes I am. Cause I've had many a conversation with a friend where all the mystery women on their dude's webprofilicular pages are instantly "bitches" merely for their existence. But, hey, we always qualify it with "I'm sure she's a nice girl" the go-to phrase for insincere good-sportsmanship of the dating game. Yep. I am sure Kathy Lee Sukhiscock is a nice girl. And hey, I'm sure to many another lady out there, I'm a nice girl too.

A woman's propensity toward investigation of any said man is a true reflection of her interest. Perhaps the same is true about a man. Does any woman google a guy she just wants for only one thing? Does she look at his little profile with curiousity about the shit he does? Not unless she either sweats him or hates his ass. Whatever the feeling is, if he gets under your skin, he infects your webconscious. Permissive spying (meaning, you allow people find out about you because you have a myspace page or the like) is an element of the World Of Today and I think many are compelled by it. Hell, an ex's new woman used to read my website every day for over a year. I know because most websites (including my own) have some kind of free tracker that can tell you where your hits are coming from, and I had plenty from her podunk school in the middle of nowhere.

We choose what we make public. And the increasingly public element of every person- the very fact that you can probably learn a little something about aquaintences and those new people in your life- is extremely weird. Something's out there about everybody. You either gotta balls out embrace it, or pay special mind to mask your footsteps with every net-step you take. We're either a less annoymous world for it, or a more skillfully presented one at that.

So in spite of the idea that many people think machines and computers may be the enemy to man, they serve as a social viaduct- feeding the temptation to know more about other people. Like words, the internet is another creation of man for reaching out to another, and this one is just the most passive aggressive, useful, and vice-inducing at all. One can be complusive and feed a curiousity at any fleeting whim. Hense the net-porn concerns that people have for kids. The instant gratification that the internet provides is kind of like golf. The only thing to beat is your own handicap.

You are fucking guilty, people. You all misbehave on the internet.
As Devil-Pacino mocks:

"God is watching."

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

My most favorite thing about David Blaine


Is his contribution to society.

That, and also how he can inspire a two hour show about absolutely nothing.

Hell yeah, I'm inspired. I saw this box in the street this morning. I think I am going to go find it on my lunch break and sit in it for a long time, and then get people really excited about it by making grandiose statements.

Monday, May 08, 2006

STEP OFF my uterine

When am I going to be some dumb rich artist's muse already? I need some mad guy who lives in an awesome apartment to be so inspired by me that he creates countless works of art. Then all I do is chill and basically do whatevs and he'll give me stuff like good wine and invite me to fun parties. He'd probably be really hot like one of those crazy brilliant guys with facial hair and unkempt hair. Being a muse would be great cause you don't have to be a ho or anything. You just have to hang out and be yourself. One thing I don't like about muses though is how often times they are really coy and for some reason look over their shoulders a lot and often have naked backs. When I sleep my back gets pretty cold. I like to wear a tshirt or something. I also like to wear socks. I need to be really snuggly when I sleep because it's important to me. When I was little I required many things to sleep properly: I wore long sleeves, pajama pants, and I would tuck the pants into my socks, and then tuck in the bed around me really tight. Actually, I would tuck it in before getting into the bed and then slide in. Fortunately, sleeping in beds with boys obliterated these habits and taught me that it could be ok to sleep with not only an untucked bed, but no socks or pants all together. Holy shit you're a moron for reading this. I just made you 23 times stupider. Or did I?

I want to make a video where one guy is doing another guy and he goes, "I'm gonna Fuck You, I'm gonna Fuck in the ass".
And then the other guy says, "Um, excuse me, but, um I believe you are already."

I had a great time gallavating about the city on Saturday with my girl Sara. And then on Sunday I got down to business writing things. I wrote something for the stage. A play of sorts. It's not finished. But it exists. On both Friday and Saturday I got good kind of drunk. Brain cells are for nerds.

I bought a new pair of super comfy Paper Denims at a sample sale today and they feel like pants, pants that love me. They hug me.

Speaking of sexual relations, one time, years ago, I was hanging out with this guy and he was all like "I want to go down on you." And I was all like "Hell no, I have my period." And he was all like "Come on" and then he dove for my cooter. And then I swatted his head away and said "Ew, what the fuck." I actually hit his head away. STEP OFF my uterine lining, bitch.

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Why was Mark so Angry at his Balls? And other unsolved mysteries ...

You must watch this video: Stephen Colbert's Blistering Performance Mocking Bush and the Press Goes Ignored by the Media.

I have a friend participating in this beard competition.

Here's a new Sufjan Stevens song to download: Dear Mr. Supercomputer. (right click, save target as)

I don't know what last night's post was all about, but that's the risk you take when you have both internet access and a drink or two all up in your grill. I had fun last night at a Cinco De Mayo party. There were pinatas and candy coming out of them and I love that fact about last night. I took way too many pictures cause I felt every moment of whacking was exciting. Ahhh.... trip down memory lane time:

I love smashing or breaking stuff. Not good stuff. Stuff that should be broken. Like those guys in Office Space smashing that printer. Back in the day I liked to hang out with kids who were bad, but not really bad. Like kids that did some drugs and alcohol and were promiscuous, but they were nice and did fine in school and are probably not in jail today. Anyway, it seemed a popular pasttime around my town for people to throw old tvs off this one bridge. That was pretty cool. I remember me and my college boyfriend searching around the state of New Jersey for a good place to smash this old tv we scored but we had a really hard time finding a good spot. The old bridge wouldn't work for that anymore. Instead, we smashed it on the side of my house with a wrench and then cleaned it up afterwards. But sometimes I like good, oldfashioned, super harmless smashing- like food. Food is really great to step on or smoosh. Like, if you are fortunate enough to happen upon a grape or an orange in the street. You must step on it and smoosh it because it is just so much FUN.

Have you heard about new new rooftop bar at 230 Fifth (at 26th)?

Damn, RooftopBar, you nasty.

Ok. I know this blog is pretty tame right now. But don't worry. I got stuff building and brewing and when I unleash it upon you, it will be ungodly.
i'm pretty wasted
its been too long since i've visited holland
this is not poetry

Thursday, May 04, 2006


Japanese Teddy Bear Gun proves that the Japanese people are bad. The exploitation of little pink teddy bears, while delightful, is wrong, and sometimes you have to do the right thing no matter how difficult. That's why I think America should attack Japan and free the pink teddy bear captives.

That's all I really want to talk about right now. That and the fact that I keep dreaming about these numbers. It's the same numbers in different orders and I don't know why.

Well, also I'd like to say that it sucks so bad that technology isn't good enough to let us all go to outer space like it's no big deal and it isn't expensive. I really want to go to outer space. But it's not going to happen. Unless ...

Tuesday, May 02, 2006


It really pleases me when you get take out or something from a deli, and they give you the exact appropriate utensils for the item you purchased. When you open that bag, looking down, anticipating some level of disappointment and you expect you'll have to grab the requisite spoon for your pudding cup, and you see that spoon already in your bag, laying on top of that pudding up in it's modest white plastic beauty ... well. I suppose that's what ensures me that I am capable of being loved in spite of all my shortcomings.

No. Wait.

Nevermind.

I am too much of an asshole to be loved.

Time to find some insecure, mildly overweight woman who has just gotten out of an abusive relationship to push into elevator doors.

Sigh. Tuesday.

Monday, May 01, 2006

I like flavored milks


and flavored non-milks, like Chocolate, green tea, or vanilla soymilk.

I also enjoy a good Horchata, or an Iced Chai Latte.

To be honest, I don't even mind when the powdered Quick is pasty. I like it syrup or mix, really I don't care.

Flavored milks are good. I like them. This is the real me talking, and it really doesn't matter to me anymore to hide these truths about my real thoughts and feelings.


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Now I'm gonna tickytalk about my weekend!!!!


Fuck it! Shit's about to get awesome!

Well. Friday was bland. I performed blandly in a bland room. It was actually kinda decent accept the room was overbooked so there were too many performers on the roster. Booo. Then I went to a bunch of bars but the beer just weighed me down instead of drunking me up. So screw Friday.

Then I had an appointment with this fancy hairstylist that works at one of NYC's top salons. If you get your hair cut at his apt, he charges half price. So I went to his doorstep, and he didn't show up. And I was sad and not happy about this. But next door was a random really cute looking hair salon. I thought- shall I venture into unknowns and let some strangers cut my hair when I have no knowledge of their reputation? Well. I live life on the edge so I went for it. And it's like the super best haircut I got in a while. Still long, yet full of flavor and vitality.

Then I met up with some nice young people to play a rowdy game of Capture the Flag in Central Park. But the subway went express on me and dropped me off in Harlem instead of 103rd. So I walked from there. Then I got a little lost in the park. That place is nuts-on-yo-4hed! Then I got there. Then we played. It was really nice out. I suck so bad at Capture the Flag.

Then I went with some nice young chaps and we saw Mike Myers perform improv at the Magnet. It was cool/weird to see such a huge celebrity expose himself like that- a little stage, small crowd, nothing planned, audience of comedy people, and other improv people who probably rehearse more than he does. But it was cool. He created some intense characters and was thoroughly entertaining. I actually found other stars in the show to be funnier than he, but still. I totally respect that he's having fun and doing something like this- which is purely for the art and not the monies.

Then I had dinner. Then I went home to Hoboken. Then I drank beers and danced a lot. This time the beers just created a silly effect, as opposed to Friday's blanding. All in all the night ended very well.

And then on Sunday I stayed in my room and wrote. But didn't finish enough. So I hated myself for it. Then I realized how pretty my hair is and then everything was so rad. Then there was some comedy. Some Hoboken Comedy Night. Which I generally like.

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Beyond Therapy, my favorite play ever written, is playing in the city. I dunno if this is a good one. The casting makes a huge difference. It's also on video starring Jeff Goldblum, directed by Robert Altman. Rent it! Or see it on stage.

fuckdolphin