Monday, July 31, 2006

What's a tar baby?

I never heard of one. Solve my mystery.
Clicky click.

Friend: you don't know what a tar baby is?

me: no

Friend: it means really dark skinned black person. (in the south) they used it during plantation times
but it also means a sticky situation.

me: woah
thats offensive
i was thinking about funny babies covered in tar

Friend: well it is kind of the idea that a black person is like someone dipped in tar

me: ew

Well, Sexytime was a great success. The best part- the crowd and our guests. We fully packed the main dining room at Mo Pitkins and that was an unexpected surprise. I was very happy to see lots of Brandy's and my friends there, but I was most surprised at the amount of people who came to check it out without knowing us. It was also cool to hear from the Mo's that many people called to find out about Sexytime. I am really not sure where these people heard about the show or what drew them to it, but I'm very happy they came. Everyone seemed to have a great time, which is fairly easy to do at Mo's since they are a great bar and restaurant. We also gave people Brandy-made rice krispy treats which certainly enhanced the audience's experience. Craig Baldo, Seth Herzog and Jessy Delfino all brought their A-games and put on great sets. Ben Andrews, my pornstar guest, was adorable and charming as usual. I enjoyed bantering with Brandy, but I wasn't as satisfied with my material. I still went for some of my same ol same ol. Also, I was really drunk on stage- my most drunk while performing yet. They gave us free beer in the back room. I hadn't been drinking much lately because I wasn't feeling well. When I popped open my first refreshing drink of the evening- an ice cold PBR, well, it just tasted heavenly, like relaxation flavor. Unfortunately I got drunk enough that I don't really remember much of what I said or did on that stage which is a little bit of an odd feeling since so many others witnessed it. Oh well. I am fine with that.

On Saturday, I joined some friends who had a rooftop party. They made some yummy food and had a rather enjoyable blowup pool on the roof. I didn't have anything to change into much to my chagrin. So since I was going out later I didn't wet it up. These boys made excellent smoked meats. Later that night I saw those pilots that were being screened and Judd Apatow's North Hollywood reminded me how much I love Jason Segel. It was such a great show. Anyhow, it would really please me Mr. Segel could put it in me. He's fucking adorable and always funny as an actor. Speaking of which, since I was back at Mo's on Saturday night, I caught part of David Wain's movie's party. Adam Brody is in it so he was there, talking to Ken Marino. It was an awesome man sandwich that I wanted to be in the middle of so badly. And they both gave friendly, approachable glances that made it seem totally ok if I wanted to talk to them. But there's no way I could have, for I was overpowered by my mind's eye, and surely the only words I could have uttered would have been "put it in me". Seriously, if I could've thought of anything else at the time, I'd have been fine talking to them. But at no time was I able to think of anything else. And that's that.

In ohter news, Boy George is really going to be sweeping Chinatown sidewalks for community service. That's pretty cool. Those sidewalks are dirty. Almost as dirty as the Chinese, whom I hate for what they did to my family.

(The Chinese didn't do anything to my family, but that would be a good justification for my aimless anti-China racism. Unfortunately, my hate is mostly just blind ingnorance and an aversion to General Tso. I guess my problem is with the fact that I was making chicken like that way before he was ever on the scene and he's just a dirty poser. I'm sure you would feel the same way if you were in my shoes: cheated. Angry. So alone.)

PS- It's always important to look your best and dress fancy.

Friday, July 28, 2006

A contest!

Here's an excerpt from a thingy I wrote, I was asked to write a sketch for a news show:

Female Newscaster: In local news, Warry the warbear, fuzzy king of biological warfare, took consumers by surprise when it spontaneously omitted mustard gas from it's plastic eyeballs and intermittently urinated live poisonous jelly fish; killing a handsome group of spritely little boys on Sunday.

Warbear Company Rep: You see, we were hoping to capture the warlike essence that we know a teddybear has the potential to produce; however, we did not think that our efforts to produce a warlike bear could have had any real world consequences. We were all taken completely by surprise upon discovering that in fact, things happen when you set up a situation in which such things happening becomes favorable. When we created a bear that could omit poisonous gasses and urinate a species of sea-life, we were so overtaken by the joy of our creation, we simply could not fathom the pain, suffering, and death of children that Warry brought about. And to the families of the dead babies and little children, what can I say, shit happens. I’m sorry, I mean, life is hard and then you die.

I'd like to request from readers that they send me homemade drawings or renderings on their computer of Warry. The best one wins something good.
Send them to:


PS- Sexytime is tonight, 11pm at Mo Pitkins


UPDATE: The bar has been raised. This submission, sent in my Mr. Manu, is the current frontrunner:
Dear Stuff Magazine:

I hope to one day fulfill my dream of gracing your smooth glossy cover. And Stuff, I choose you- the 3rd most popular men's magazine. I like the number 3, and do not have the confidence to approach the tastemakers of the prestigious Maxim Magazine, for I know that I am certainly no Brooke Burke, Stacey Keibler or god forbid, Cindy Margolis. Those ladies are big winners. As for FHM, I'm always certain that the lady on the cover is a real "somebody" in the world.

I want to be a babe- a STUFF babe. I can't even describe the elation I would feel to see my face across from a bachelor's toilet. Just to think that I would be sitting on the floor in any number of men's bathrooms across the country would give me such joy. When the female form wants to be appreciated in the finest airbrushed splendor possible, I know you do your best to deliver. Somewhere deep inside of me, I know that I can validate myself as a woman, that the vomiting and starvation has paid off, and that people will definitely be looking at my breasts for sure. That's just the kind of special feeling I know being a STUFF babe could bring me.

It would be really cool if people could think I wasn't just regular hot, but magazine hot, and then want to sleep with me moreso cause I'd be kind of more famous than before. I bet guys would be more likely to buy me things and that people I didn't talk to much in high school would come out of the woodwork and want to catch up on old times. They'd know for sure that I was a bad girl who's really good in bed and probably swallows no matter how chunky.

One day, Stuff magazine, I can see myself, flawlessly emblazoned with the right amount of highlighting, bright eyes, blown up titty and hopefully I'll even get to curve my back and stick out my ass while wearing some hipster panties. Then I'll feel really good about myself. You have a skill for making every woman look their most beautiful as all women in your magazine look exactly the same. You guys know what guys want and what they like, and quite honestly, I am worthless when I'm not tailoring myself to such ends.

Seriously, I mean it. It's really not enough to be good looking. I'll always feel inferior without Stuff magazine certified babe status. Dear god, please, please objectify me. I am going to fucking freak the fuck out if I don't have more pathetic, unattractive retards adding me to their spank banks. Not that all of your readers are retards. Just that I know some of them are, and for their sake, I'm grateful. And lord knows I'm dying for the thumbs up from fratboy meatheads, they're my fave.

Anyways, you just think it over and I'll be over here doing situps and prancing around my room in heels and short shorts. I'll be sure to wear a cropped tank top with underboob hanging out just in case. And if you ever need a racy quote to correspond with my picture, I'll happily oblige, and PS- I like to eat popsicles and lolipops while having my picture taken (though I wouldn't mind if we skip the metaphors and put an actual dick in my mouth).


Heather Fink

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Check out these sex machines!

And I don't mean the metal thing- I mean those guys! I did them in their butts. Old people are so cute!

I also girlspoked today.

Comic conventions are cool- here Borat visits the one in San Diego.

Video from when my boss n I went to Yale in Feb.

NY Mag's Cheap Eats Guide.

And I'm seeing this on Saturday:
THE OTHER NETWORK - Saturday, July 29, 10:00pm at Mo Pitkin's, 34, Ave. A
Un-Cabaret's collection of the best un-aired TV shows ever made introduced by their creators:
"HEAT-VISION & JACK" The awesome, incomparable action-comedy by DAN HARMON & ROB SCHRAB, directed by Ben Stiller, with an inspired performance by JACK BLACK as a super-intelligent ex-astronaut, Owen Wilson as the voice of his talking motorcycle, and Ron Silver as himself, the villainous actor/NASA enforcer.

"NORTH HOLLYWOOD" A brilliant coming-of-age story by JUDD APATOW featuring Amy Poehler as one of a group of Hollywood hopefuls, includes an astonishing performance by Judge Reinhold playing himself.

"LOOKWELL" The legendary pilot by CONAN O'BRIEN & ROBERT SMIGEL, featuring an amazing performance by Adam West as an actor who played a detective on TV and can't let it go.

How awesome does that look? Very. I wonder who will be there to present the show. I like Conan and Judge Reinhold and Poehler and Judd Apatow. All those shows seem like they would entertain me. Yay Saturday yay Saturday.

I tried to sit down to write while something played it the background. It was War of the Worlds which I hadn't seen already. I heard it sucked. It did not suck. I couldn't stop watching. I thought it was great! Very scary and imaginitive with great lighting, fx, and acting. I don't like Cruise but he did well here. Them kids are great too. The ending is lame and the sciencey stuff isn't perfect, but all in all a really well done suspense movie. Speilberg did well.

And this Wednesday (today) I am a guest on Frowned Upon's talk show.
see info on my sidebar --->

Monday, July 24, 2006

I'm gonna tell you all about the time that I pooped blood.

No I'm not! Sillies. As a refined lady I don't even have an anus, rather, I have a decorative hole near my womanly cavity.

Nah, I'll tell you about other stuff instead.

I am writing you from the sanctuary of my peaceful apartment AND LOVING IT!

On Friday some unexpected badness came about. Dealing with this totally exacerbated all and any anxieties, insecurities, stress, and bad feelings that I had been experiencing in the past few weeks. In contrast to the excellent month I had in June, July had really sucked so far- many good things seemed to be falling apart. I hit a momentary low that felt so similar to where I was 2 years ago when my world turned to poop. Anyhow, the day served as a great catharsis for all of the shit I needed to get out of my mind so that things could get better, and they did the very next morning and have continued this way for some time now.

On Saturday I went on a trip with RuPaul, Michael Musto, Bruce Vilanch, my boss, and others. The premiere of a Documentary about one of our adult masterpieces was taking place at the Philadelphia Int Gay Film Fest and there was a whole event surrounding the screening- reception, panel, etc. It was definitely interesting sitting with RuPaul on the train as we learned more about each other- from totally different perspectives. He's such a kind, gentle person. It's cool. Musto kept to himself a bit more and had quite a few people whisper about him and ask for his autograph, but he's always a quick one with the wit and pithy comments. Anyway, the turnout for the documentary was fantastic- this big auditorium was packed with hundreds of people!

Instead of staying overnight, I hopped on a midnight train back to the city where I checked out the end of Shayna's party and crashed on her futon. Our friend Justin was hilariously wasted and passed out in a humorous position. I'll have to get his permission to share those photos with you ...

On Sunday I got a haircut in Nolita by these Japanese people at Ueno who have a hip little place with cool magazines- even Vogues from the 60s. It's a fine haircut, but basically the same as before. Then I grabbed some Pho at Pho Tu Do in Chinatown and planned out the SEXYTIME show with my cohost Brandy Crawford. I loved it, though I am still a fan of Kelly and Ping's lunchtime Pho Bac.

Pho Bac with the fixins (basil, lime, beansprouts)

On Monday I received a copy of the spring '06 Yale Journal of Law and Feminism. Instead was my boss' essay "On Gay Porn", ghostwritten by me! (All ideas and stuff were his of course) I mean, finally- I stood no chance in hell of making law review at SHU Law- but now porn has granted me the opportunity to be in a law journal at Yale! Yay porn.

In other yay porn news, Lucas is doing a big budget remake of La Dolce Vita, to be filmed this September in modern day NYC. For the part of the blonde, we wanted to find a famous, notorious, glam blonde female pornstar to play the non-sexual role analogous to the movie-star/Anita Ekberg role in the original. Well, the one we wanted said yes! When it gets announced publicly I'll tell you who it is.

Finally, all of the things that were up in the air are finally falling into place. I worked out casting issues I was having for Terminator 4. And I was nervous because the person who is making the "documentary-type thing" about me wasn't in touch. Turns out that her company threw a tv show on her last minute so she was drowned in that, but is back in action. So that's good. Also, I applied to this special sketch comedy type thingy that I wanted to be a part of, and I got a call-back style interview for them on Thursday. It made me happy cause the email seemed to be sent to few people. The fact that Friday's show is all good and ready to go also makes things all a little more awesome.

So, aside from the fact that I've got a whore of a sore throat, stuff is manageable and awesome enough to keep me motivated once again. Can you high five me through the blog? Go ahead, place your palm upon the screen. It's a nice way to express simple celebratory camaraderie. It's normal. Do not hesitate. Touch screen now.

Sexytime Lineup announced!

Comedy with your hosts Brandy Crawford and Heather Fink
Friday July 28 at 11pm at
Mo Pitkin's new downstairs stage
34 Ave A near 3rd Street (East Village)


Craig Baldo
As seen on Premium Blend, Late Night on Conan, Last Comic Standing

Seth Herzog, AKA the Zog
Host of the Lower East Side comedy staple "Sweet", Best Week Ever, The
Baxter, and most recently The Chappelle Show's lost episodes

Jessica Delfino
Comedian and Dirty Folk Singer, bringin it!

and Pornstar Ben Andrews, Lucas Entertainment exclusive and biggest
cock in porn!!! He's such a sweety too ...

It's f'ing Sexytime- only the most best special time that there is!!!
Featuring cute outfits n shit ... oh yeah, and we're bringin the "blue
material". Hardcore.

Friday, July 21, 2006

New Standup video and stuff

Dude, I am the fucking least happy person and had the shittiest day today. But let's not talk about that. Here's some multimedia Fink.

Ryan Leider taped this- thanks! He can tape your show too. Email him at if you want him to tape your show.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

I don't hate hipsters.

I really don't.

I think a lot of your hipster hate is misdirected. It's teenagers and young-folk, and they are annoying no matter what fashion trends they adopt. There's nothing wrong with dressing in the clothes of this era and enjoying the creative counter culture.

Stop hating hipsters you hipster haters.
You think you're so cool that you're better than cool- well who's the hipster now, eh! It's cool to hate hipsters, isn't it?!

You should be ashamed.

Now go put on some fucking legwarmers and behave.


And this is from last night at the Chicks N Giggles show:

(Photo by Brian Van)
Thank you to Brandy, Christina, David, Shayna, Lisa, Adam, Eric, Meme and Meme's friend who likes to bang hookers for coming to the show!

Monday, July 17, 2006


Check out mah new show!

The first one is Friday night, July 28 at 11pm at the new downstairs stage in the main dining room at Mo Pitkins.

More details TBA ...

Mo's is on Avenue A near 3rd St. (Take the F/V to 2nd Ave and walk uptown and east a bit) I'll be there in Sadie's lounge performing at Chicks and Giggles tomorrow (Tuesday) night at 8pm. I said that already, but this time with more detail.

God I need new pics. I hate my stupid freakin face. But I feel that pose captures the essence of something worthwhile. And that ballerina shit I have on the top of this website has also got to go. Bollux.

More desirable than this is Brandy Crawford, my co-host, who unabashedly appreciates tappin ass perhaps as much if not more than I. She's funny and lovable and we are gonna have a sexytime explosion alll over. Check our her blog:

CNN decides that using the word "Shit" is ok when it's really good shit

Like presidential shit, like this shit:
Bush caught off-guard in chat with Blair
Watch the video. It's not terribly interesting that he used the word "shit" but the overly simple manner in which he discusses world politics. Just sounds like someone whose opinion and insight is basically worthless. And he's the prez. Sigh, I guess we're pretty much used to this shit by now, eh? Oh, our pointless America.

By the way, I am doing a show tomorrow night at Mo Pitkins at 8pm. Go. If you want.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

There's always something.

My apartment is basement level and there's a semi concealed area underneath the stairs in front of my door. Last night when I left my apartment around 11:30pm, I opened the door and screamed "JESUS CHRIST"! It was not because Jesus was there.

Rather, two young Hobokeners were fucking under the stairs, in front of my door. The young gentleman stood there with his cock in hand and looked into my eyes, "We were fucking," he told me, as his fair lady stood by with a sweet and gentle smile. They scared the shit of me, and I am sure I scared the shit out of them. I checked to make sure that my door was locked and replied "Have a nice time" as I walked away.

Half of me laughs as I remember the look in their eyes when I screamed the lord's name. Half of me is still trying to erase the memory of the strangeness of this man, holding his cock, scared, explaining to me that he was fucking. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.


I went to a Mandate of Heaven party last night with Sara, a Mandate girl. It was basically a wonderland where girls can play. Mandate of Heaven is a clothing line created by designer Carissa, with a fantastic flagship store in Williamsburg. The party was a place with cupcakes, champagne punch, pot and girls trying on outfits and dressing up like a bunch of dolls. The designer has a love affair with Alice in Wonderland, which is obvious in her store. She calls her creations "playsuits". They are made out of re-cut and sewn vintage clothes and are hyper-feminine super sexy pretty little things that show off your legs, boobs and ass- highlighting you in ways you forgot you were capable of- and they are all so unique and cool. So we played. I am only going to purchase one though. Her one of a kind designs come at a fair price for her effort- but it ain't a cheap one.

Check out more of her collection here (and yeah, it was kind of just like it looks in the pictures only there were boys there)


And today I went to Long Beach with a great group of people. It was kind of incredible in its last-minuteness. It was kind of "Hey, what are you doing right now, meet me in front of Penn Station in 10 minutes, we're going to the beach." Thanks to Shayna for figuring it out and encouraging 9 people to gather at 10 am on a Sunday. There's an express train to Long Beach at 10:20 am on Sunday that makes no stops and takes you 5 blocks from the beach. It's quick too!

Oh and Friday, well Friday I got really really drunk and threw m + m's at strangers. It wasn't exactly charming as it was belligerent and fun for me. You must understand, watching an m+m bounce off an unsuspecting person's head who is in close proximity to you can really bring those giggles on.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

good afternoon

After a series of joking emails with an industry competitor, I received a priority overnight package this morning. Inside was a very large dildo.

Yesterday my boss showed me the most disgusting video I have ever seen. Every now and then, I will think I have forgotten about it, and then I remember it, and then I feel like I have witnessed some awful apocalyptic thing, like "Preacher"s demon/angel, or a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. It was a video of a man placing his entire head inside a lady's downtheres. Sometimes I hate the internet.

In an email from someone who wanted us to advertise with them- "I promise to work you guys the BEST deal that I can just because it would personally be fulfilling to have you on board."
Personally be fulfilling, eh? Well then. I would love to fill you with that joy.

There's a free Okkervil River concert tonight in Battery Park.

By the way, that Pirates movie is awful. I saw it last night and it was the biggest piece of Disney marketing crap. Not surprising cause it's Disney, but man- the laziest writing and directing! And the only cool thing about it was the makeup special effects with these sea creatures. But one character was a total ripoff of John Carpenter's design for Predator. A lot of other movie goers liked it though, so what do I know ... Oh, and Orlando and Keira should've gotten naked and had sex. That would've improved the film.

In my dream last night, Federico Fellini called me up and asked me to star in his next film which was written by Vincent Gallo. Fellini and Gallo were in my childhood bedroom with some other people casting for the movie. He was casting the male lead, and they wanted to see if I would have chemistry with him. He was really hot and looked kind of like that Smith guy from Sex in the City, which isn't my type but he had really soft skin so it was cool. And so we started making out and then we climbed on top of my dressers and got naked and were about to do it, and then I screamed at him "not without a condom" and he was like "I have one on!" and I felt for it and it was there but it had a knot in it and felt weird. But we did it anyway and for some reason no one else could see us. And then my alarm clock went off and I awoke to the memory of the man's head inside that lady.

Work. Sheesh.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Stuff that I like today

* Drunken Jackie Chan

* Boobling the word "boobs" on booble.

* Tumbling

* The reality that someone may have fabricated the existence of their baby.

* The idea that blogging is a worthwhile endeavor.

PS- Something that I dislike today:
The premeditated creation of this graphic art-

(click here to see the "Nuclear Tension" special on
Nuclear Tension is not something I am interested in mediafying and tossing into the spin zone. CNN, cut it out you jerkoffs, or I'll make you pregnant in the ass with assbabies (more commonly known as popples. yes, popples ARE assbabies, another very good reason to use a condom during anal.)

Monday, July 10, 2006

I look stupid.

I really hate my outfit today and think it looks stupid. I've wanted to peel it off after the second I put it on. I don't know why I did this. In theory, it's ok, but I feel like I belong in a Cathy cartoon. It's just so bland. And my black capri pants ... well they're capri. I hate that. All I can think of is the lady cigarettes. Anyhow, they are dirtier than I thought in my dimly lit room. There's something crusty on my inner thigh near my knee. I think it's beer or food from their last wearing. It's so unsavory. The thing that bothers me most is that my shoes and accessories match, so it seems on purpose and that effort went into this. Every time I look down at my body I feel disgusted. I would prefer wearing pantyhose that were covered in taco sauce. At least I wouldn't be so bland, and I'd be really great to hang around if you were eating a sauceless taco. Surely the sauce being on my hosed legs is no deterrent as my hosed legs are a might-bit appetizing to some. Anyhow, I haven't hated my own outfit this much in a long time. It reminds me of the fashion mistakes I made when I tried to be bold in my youth. There was no place for unique fashion choices in early 90s/late 80s elementary school. I had a fur coat in third grade. Kids would rip the fur off. Why the fuck I insisted on wearing it makes me think I was unintelligent at this age. Or I must've had a penchant for the fur. Like a lesbian. Ha. Ha. Furpie lovers. That makes me think about furbies. Man, I really hate my thoughts today.

Friday, July 07, 2006

blah blah blah Trent Reznor Nine Inch Nails whatever ...

Ok, so if you're not that into Reznor or NIN, you might enjoy this video of just Trent and his piano from a Katrina benefit cause it's lighter and easier to digest than some of his music.

Oh the hottedness. My heavens.

And though I am a major *hearts* fan of NIN, I am not the kind of fan of anything to do research on them and know facts, cause I really just want to enjoy the music. Well back in the day I stupidly confused their album "Broken" with their Downward Spiral remix album. I didn't want to spend money on a remix album so I never bought it. I just realized I didn't have it until recently, so yesterday I finally bought the thing. Which is awesome because it's discovering that your favorite band in the whole wide world has another great album in existence. He played a bunch of songs from it at the last show too. And I love the lyrics to this song:
"this isn't meant to last
this is for right now"

Fun fun fun.

And oh yeah, Terminator 4: The Musical is going up at the UCB Theatre in late September. YAY.

AND go to Hoboken Comedy Night on Sunday at 8pm!

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Stinky Finky

Today is the first time since I've been working here that a porn model personally pissed me off so I am in a don't fucking fuck with me mood. Let's just call it a well developed instinct I've had since childhood- here's the facts- as a child I was a girl who was a weird class clown type, and since I was female I got picked on a good deal extra. I didn't laugh at the cool boys as every other girl did, and instead I challenged them and tried to one up them. This invited them to bring it on. Rather than become one of those "I hate myself and the world" kids bitter with resentment towards those who put them down, I thank those spritely little fuckers for giving me some great opportunities.

Being made fun of like that enabled me to develop a sharper sense of humor, and a very well developed defense mechanism- I have the evil little skill of manipulating someone's words so that they may be used against them, and I'm not so bad at verbal humiliation. Being made fun of like that also put things into perspective- I realized at a very young age that those who are on top of the food chain can be the biggest douchebags. And if you don't idolize or fantasize about those who are "on top", you can have a great amount of confidence in who and where you are. So if you're legitimately not jealous of others, you've already eliminated a major weakness and vulnerability. Anyhow, being picked on was a wonderful experience that strengthened my confidence, humor, and ability to manipulate the outcomes of situations to work in my favor. If you're lacking in these areas, I recommend that if you one day go in a time machine, aside from grabbing almanacs and making out with young Paul Newman (2 cute!), you might also find it worthwhile to get picked on as a child.

And while I'm at being pissed off, fuck you NJ Democrats and Jon Corzine- who is a freaking idiot. I actually volunteered for his Senate campaign back in the day when I wasted my time with politics. I still have strong beliefs and care about certain "issues", sometimes passionately, but I don't believe that government can be trusted nor do I think they are a good place to turn to enable social change. I do think government is a necessary evil, made up of power hungry yuppies, not respectable or trustworthy awesome folks (though every now and then there's an anomaly). Yeah, I'm generally a democrat and I think Bush has not human blood, but devil juice running through his veins- but I'm not some blanket liberal who believes in politicians, left or right wing. Corzine is a fool- his first year in office and he wants to raise taxes- the one thing that gives democrats a seriously bad name and stands in the face of us holding offices across the nation- AND he has the nerve to take away things like parks and beaches from the taxpayers he wants to punish during the SUMMERTIME! WHAT THE FUCK! That's beyond idiotic. A good democrat finds a way to reapportion funds- taking government investments out of special interest and putting them into social welfare. Fuck you, Corzine, for giving us democrats something we won't be likely to shake for a while.

Check out these things:
My friend Kelly Wray is a talented Canadian. Check out her company and their site:
They specialize in photography for live music acts.

This is a Knife
, presumably named from Crocodile Dundee, is a cool site.

Mike Patton was plucked from obscurity and for some reason, Danny Devito interviewed him in this myspace video. If you don't know who Patton is, he's second on my list of musical geniouses I'd like to bone, with the hope that I could possibly absorb some of their geniousity through their dick cells. Mike Patton is most well known as the lead singer of 90's band Faith No More (with the awesome song "Epic" with requisite awesome video with dying fish on ice), and is also the lead of the brilliant Mr. Bungle (buy the Mr. Bungle album "California"), and is also the lead of Tomahawk and Fantomas, recently toured with Rahzel and collaborated with Bjork and Handsome Boy Modeling School. Mike Patton is sooo cool. And cute.
He looks kinda like Jack Knight I think.

And reminds me a little of Bruce Campbell.

All good.

Breaking news: Putin kissed boy 'like a kitten'
"I tell you honestly, I just wanted to touch him like a kitten and that desire of mine ended in that act."

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I was just thinking,
Writing is like hunting
hunting for things that are already inside you. Sometimes it takes time to find out what's in there and where the jokes are. But when you catch em it's satisfaction.


Well, here we are, 4th o' July. This past month has been the best of my life so far. I'm just a happy little bunny. Life has been bountifully better than worse and all of the shit that's been handed my way is the kind of crap that I can take no problem. I ran into a bit more bad luck in the past few days, but I find it well deserved considering all the happiness. I believe in emotional communism, pleasure and pain should be equitably distributed among the masses.

I smoked so much whacky tobabacky on Friday night that I'd like to take a break for a little while and stick to getting wasted. While under the influence of the herbal treatment, which we enjoyed on a rooftop, we got locked out of the building on said rooftop. It was so scary up there being all stuck! And my friend freaked me out by climbing down the fire escape (which didn't work)- gadzooks (madlibs holla)! When we got back in (thanks to his roommate and our cellphones) I ate all of his stuff. Most equisite, beyond his plentiful cheerios, was my spoonfull of peanut butter and nutella. Mmmmm.

The next morning, I discovered my car had been booted and towed. Fucking A! Well, that encouraged me to deposit my car with my parents at the end of my weekend. Stupid cars and stupid parking of cars. Grrr.

This weekend was fantastic. I detoxed and relaxed. It's been a while since I've had innocent fun, so that was cool. I went to Rhode Island with two ladies. My girl Shayna has the coolest grandmother ever. She's 90 and teaches aerobics and is totally with it. Absolutely delightful. And Shayna is from the same town where my dad grew up, so I saw his house- we used to visit my grandparents there all the time. It had been 9 years so that was kinda cool. After that we went with Liz to her gorgeous waterfront house. It was so relaxing, and her family was cool too. I ate the most kickass seafood, 2 nights of grilled swordfish, and on the last day I drove all over RI till I found the ultimate seafood feast- 30 bucks included clam chowder, salad, lobster, Ipswich steamers, homemade pie with homemade whipped cream, and my beverage- and the waitress was delightful! Ugh it all felt so good in my mouth. Anyways, I bought a styrofoam cooler and some ice and brought back lobsters, steamers, and lobster hats for my family, got to see them yesterday, and then headed back to NYC where I got to invite xtreme wastedness into my brain again. Why? Because I like to! Last night was a nice hot n sweaty summer night with good company and plentiful drinks. And tonight I'm gonna enjoy the fireworks on a friend's east side rooftop. Hell yeah, life. Give it to me good.

And on this holiday, I hope life gives it to you good, too. Right in your favorite body cavities.


Paul Simon's 50 Ways to Leave your Lover is a really great song
when your ipod is being really awesome to you during shuffling, it's enjoyable to firmly encourage it with the words "Fuck yeah ipod! You kick ass!" when you are alone in your car
it's really fun to blast "I want to fuck you like an animal" while driving slowly through suburbia with an innocent smile on your face as families play in their yards
Water is not an adequate substitute for milk in cereal.


I'm gonna write a real blog shortly, but in the meantime, there's another Hoboken Comedy Night this Sunday that you should know about, and tomorrow night I am doing a show at Otto's Shrunken Head.

And also, check out these here links:
Hello Hilarious

Oh, and I wrote a July 4 post over at