Thursday, August 31, 2006

VMAs recap

Yay! Important stuff:

Blonde hair + No eyebrows + botox =
John Norris

Jordan Catalano is still in high school, only it's the 2000s, not the 90s, and he's one of the hipster goth kids.

Going against type, I surprised myself in discovering that I'd like to do Jack White. Raconteurs Jack White has more physical sex appeal than White Stripes Jack White. Maybe it's cause he's among his man friends and they make him seem more mannish. Either that or his face looks less white than normal and I like that in a man.

I think Beyonce likes me. No. I KNOW Beyonce likes me. She was telling me through the tv. But I don't know about all of that. She would be goddamned if she saw another bitch on my arm. I have lots of bitch on my arm. I don't know how it got there. I need a good scrub.

Pumping Iron

I very much care about being strong. When strength manifests itself in human behavior and actions, it's a beautiful thing. I've always felt the things that require the most strength are bravery in the face of vulnerability. I respect the pro-athlete because he performs in front of a crowd, with a team of people relying on him or her. That's vulnerability. Getting on stage, exposing yourself- that's vulnerability. The nature of strength lies in these circumstances. And intimate showings of strength, where people interact privately, take their root in honesty. Honesty is a tricky thing. The subconscious mind often shields us from knowing what the truth is. But when you find it and you feel certain that you know what is what, giving that to another person rather than the ordinary bullshit is a noble thing.

People are always protecting themselves from hurt. They protect their egos so severely that they don't allow others to have an edge on them. Especially in dating. They play inane games that aren't fun, just obnoxious. It's like people live on some fake level, pretending to be the person they would like to be rather than who they are. I don't suggest living this way because anything that doesn't have the substance to back it up will ultimately fall to pieces. It's like a talentless celebrity. Over time, that person will become a sad and pathetic thing.

I am pretty much always honest about everything, and I let a guy know exactly what I am feeling. It's immensely empowering. You have nothing to hide or defend if you admit and embrace your vulnerabilities. If you are weak in some way, and you come to terms with it openly, somehow that weakness disintegrates into a simple matter of fact.

And for him, well, many guys who have their way with me end up learning something that makes them a better boyfriend, for someone else. Because ladies, we all know that there is no such thing as changing a man for your own benefit. You have to like a man as he is, or give him a few years on his own, check in with him, and if he hasn't ripened with age, fuck it. That bitch will never grow up. Anyhow, my point is that no one learns anything from their relationship experience if the two players are passing bullshit back and forth. That's what dwarves people into being unfit for caring about others, leaving them jaded, bitter, and seriously lame. That's what forms eternal bachelors who treat women like crap, and women who are nothing more than trickass hoes. Contribute to the social good- school those motherfuckers on what's what. Be real.

Friends tell me I shouldn't give certain guys so much credit. Well, I just don't think it's all that big of a deal. It doesn't mean I care about a guy more, and if he wants to think that, who cares. It doesn't matter what he'd like to think. What matters more is how I feel. If I am happy at the end of the day because I know I got to say exactly what I wanted, go ahead and let him think he's the shit because he got to me.

Dick comes and dick goes, isn't that what they say? I'm just happy when it comes in the first place, even if it leaves a mess all over my proverbial stomach, if you will. Something tells me you will.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Fuck! Just fucking look at how tan and Jersey I was last August:

(I'm on the end)

And look at me now- I am beige goddamn it. BEIGE.
And what the hell has happened to my face? Look at that shit, it's like totally evil!

I AM NOT NOT DOING A BEACHHOUSE IN THE SUMMER AGAIN. This is some fucked punkass bullshit.

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

You can hear my most recent Playboy radio show "appearance" here at

And just a reminder that I write new stuff every week at, ya know, if you like that sorta thing.

Sunday, August 27, 2006

I gots rain on my booties.

It's been a rainin this weekend! I kinda liked it. Let's start this blog off right. First, we see a dog in a special rain outfit.

Ahhh. That's the ticket.

I just realized that the name of Justin Timberlake's new album is FutureSex. That's great because I love FutureSex! The most great thing about it is that it's really futuristic.

These are my favorite things that happen in the future:
- Condoms stop working and everyone gets sick of diseases and gets really extra pregnant
- Candybars develop arms and learn how to hug, it's really funny cause they always melt, but they don't care because they are so loving!
- Butter becomes the new "milk" and it is fashionable to eat cereal covered butter sticks.

That's about it. Aside from the fact that I found this peice of scary upon googling FutureSex.

The writing for the Emmy's was pretty edgy last night. Conan kept calling out all sorts of "scandals" and such. Yay Kareem Abdul Jabbar and boo Barry Manilow. Blythe Danner was definitely drunk when accepting her award but her dress was AWESOME- great choice for her age too. I like Jamie Presley. I'm glad Piven won but I am not glad about most of the wins. I do like My Name is Earl though. Still bitter about Six Feet Under getting almost no noms. And fuck that, Steve Carell should win all awards possible.

Did you ever hear about Behind the Green Door? It's fairly interesting.

I'll be on Playboy radio tomorrow morning again. 7:30. I'll post the mp3 on the site. This time I will be talking about the AWESOMEST THING EVER- this chick REALLY has TWO VAGINAS!!! And she has a blog! I wonder if she has chosen to be a virgin in the one of them and save it for someone special. Either way, check out her blog:

Check out this great transcript from a radio show where Hannity and Alec Baldwin get in a major bitchfight.
Here's a bit of what was said:
BALDWIN: And who's that - who's your little cabin boy there with you.
LEVIN: I'm not a cabin boy, butt-boy.
BALDWIN: What are you doing there, cabin boy? ... I now dub you Sean Hannity's cabin boy.

Finally, I got a little Reznor for you today, and this is pretty special. This video is pre-Nine Inch Nails Trent Reznor. It's really cool because it's from an old news show talking about how people are against music made by computers- it's in the 80s and the trend had just begun. He is SUCH a dork in the video! Him and his band are like Flock of Seagulls or something. It's great to see someone who is such a badass rockstar be so completely silly and cheesy.

This weekend was extremely pleasant. On each day of the week, I ate a homecooked meal with great people. On Friday night I enjoyed a hot pot with delcious Asian goodness and spicy things in it at a lovely gathering in a LES apartment. On Saturday I spent time with my family and we went to a pig roast where there was a whole pig. I ate some of its face, some weird tasty meat near its spine, and even some of its skin. Then on Sunday, Yaz made an amazing brunch in her SoHo apartment. Homemade blueberry mufkins! Group meals in homes are pretty fantastic and a great change of pace from NYC restaurants. I always look forward to those.

Did you ever see the movie "The Family Man"? I just remembered how much I like that movie when I thought about how much I dislike Nick Cage's more recent projects. It's really very funny.

PS- Ed Burns is so fine!!! (and talented) Yum I just want to think about him for a bit.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Notable things of Note

I saw this film on Tuesday:
The Last Movie by Dennis Hopper. It was ridiculous, experimental and wishy washy, but there was something completely genuine about it that I respected. Dennis Hopper is nuts! There was plenty of sex, nudity, bizarre behavior, and even some violence.

Check out this article on the film, which I do not recommend, though it's quite ... something.

In "The Last Movie", Dennis Hopper hits this chick in the face a lot and then he does her on a rock while a priest watches from above. Don't worry, it's in color.

And last night I went to what was a really cool event, though I didn't exactly enjoy it all that much. (click here)
John Stewart, Sufjan Stevens, David Byrne and others, including that guy from the Mac commercials gathered to do a bunch of performances. Here's what impeded my enjoyment:
- I had a headache
- Our seats sucked ass and the Beacon's accoustics don't travel well up to the balcony
- I'm spoiled. I've seen John Stewart on the Daily Show live and I've seen his live standup which were amazing. To be teased by moments of him wasn't as exciting. Same thing for Sufjan. His show at the Allen room was so fucking fantastic, this couldn't possibly compare. And it made me kinda sad I wasn't still sitting in the Allen room enjoying that concert. Oh, and I really wanted David Byrne to start yelling about burning down the house and that huffy puffy voice he makes in the song, but he didn't and that's my very fave thing he does.
- It was for charity. I HATE less-privileged people. It's not my fault that some kids can't read, I was a great reader and did so well in school! I did my part at being awesome and I don't see why some losers deserve my help. ESPECIALLY victims of devastating circumstances. I didn't tell those idiots to go to Phuket or New Orleans. What were they thinking!? They should have known.

What a grumpypants, eh? Sometimes there's this really cool thing inside me that makes the best of any situation and can always find something to appreciate. But it wasn't there! I can only ultimately assume that I am a bad person.

Sufjan is the prettiest thing to ever touch a banjo. I would like to be boyfriend girlfriend with him but he's all super Christian so he'd probably hate me on account of my strict Orthodox Greek lifestyle.

Oh and did I mention? My morning bus to work got stuck on a ramp in the Port Authority the other day. I kind of liked it on account of all the confusion it caused.

Ok, I'm off to go scabies catching. Have a nice time with yourselves now, kids! You only live twice, or so the Orthodox Greeks believe.

Working hard.

Please excuse any delays in blogging.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

What can I say ... I've been up to stuff lately.

I'd gotten to a place in standup where I didn't really think too much about what I was going to do beforehand and I kind of went for it with what was in my head combined with existing material. It worked for a while but I didn't have much new stuff that I was really happy about doing. And usually drink either one light beer or a jack and coke before a show, and then attempt to go balls out on the mike. But last night I thought about what I was going to say, wrote it all out the night before, printed it out, studied it, and then just read it all out, half memorized- no drinks. It was really satisfying. I felt so focused. That feeling of focus was the nicest part. And I loved the show. One of the hosts, Luke Cunningham, just did my Hoboken show and he's a really funny guy and a great host. I recommend seeing and performing in his show at the Duplex. His co-host Jessie Geller is also hilarious.

Johnny Drama's reaction shots in the last episode of Entourage were the best part of the show. Actually, I kind of think he's the best character on the show period. Well aside from Piven. And Lloyd. Not that he's likable, just a great character.

My boss got mentioned on tv news and Page 6 in the Post again! I love when I can see the fruits of my labor. They taste sweet like a 9 year old's ...

OMG I don't want to go down on a young child at all! Unless you're talking about Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone, it's a timeless classic. In that case of course, I wouldn't enjoy it, it would just be out of respect for a film that I found to be a great thrill for the whole family.

I don't dream of that magic lady.
Speaking of weird shit, I finally stopped dreaming of American Psycho this weekend. Instead, the following things happened:
My friend PJ had a kitten that lived inside of him that entered and exited through his mouth. He wasn't covered in saliva or anything and was kind of fat. I asked if he'd like to let the kitten out to play. He said the kitten preferred to be inside of him and he put the kitten back in his mouth.

I also dreamed that there was a very elaborate ferry at the Hoboken pier. The water was shallow. It was just like the water in Holland's Big Sea. The pier looked like a fancy TGIF. There were couches to sit on that overlooked the water. And they were serving burgers. But then this art deco looking penguin was wading in the water. He wasn't one of those cute "March of the Penguins" type cuddly things. He was an obnoxious, pop artish asshole penguin. And he crawled on me, and all I could think to do was sit still hoping he would go away. He nuzzled his stupid jerk penguin nose on my back and it made me angry.

Over the weekend I danced so hard that I smashed my knee into the ground.

Oh and last night I tried the Fatty Crab for the first time. The food was delicious, fatty, reasonably priced, our waiter was hot and they have a cool looking logo. On the way there, we were a little lost, and I swear that it was Tobey Maguire who stopped and asked if we needed help finding our way. Sara thought so too. It just seemed an odd thing for a famous person to do. So I'm not sure it was him, but it looked like him.

Did you ever lick a magazine because the person pictured in that magazine was attractive to you? Me neither.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I have a show tonight!
7 pm
Duplex at 61 Christopher Street. [Corner of Christopher and Seventh Avenue in the Village]

Also, Check out the latest buzz about my man, Michael Lucas. The comments on that website are priceless (click on em to read them)

This is not bleak.

I am envelloped in layers and shrouds and volumes of bullshit.
Blizzard snow covers embryonic green.
I'm in here hidden and impossible
Low visibility navigation
Polluted pathways
Where's the beef?

Let's get some sun in here to melt this shit,
to shed some light on the substantive stuff
the lasting and the real
the material self

Where did all of this space junk come from?
Floating in a crap gallaxy.

Need to get the fuck out into zen, into purity, into now.


I am some things.

"Not necessarily" my mind says

That, too, could change.

Where are my constants?

I am currently experiencing a loss of

Does dissection kill?
Letters are not words unless they are put together.

I am weaving when I could be walking straight ahead.

All realities are created and chosen.


Sometimes I'll say something to someone, extreme or powerful, or do something to see what happens- out of wholehearted curiousity and the spirit of experimentation; that's my favorite thing about existing- things happening- things happening, existing, being outside of myself, my powers and my control and its fascinating how things spiral as they tend to do- that time is a thing continuous; made of things happening and each second pushes the next second. I can be more motivated by the desire to push those seconds- to somewhere different and changed- than by the possible consequences of my actions.


I've always been someone so pragmatic and deeply invested in the self that my hyper-self-awareness discovered along the way. So I've had all these truisms to who I am- and I know it's just an element of my personality to always want to define myself and stay true to form. But in the past few years I've grown far more interested in challenging my own foundations. I've taken to acting against my own principles and the things I believe in just to see what happens if ... believing that there is no certainty in human existence. Believing that everything you know can be proven wrong, and knowing that to be true. And I think it's ok to do this, but it involves playing with a good amount of fire. It involves doing things I know are bad, destructive, or just plain wrong- because I am not sure that I am right about these things being wrong, and there's only one way to find out. In the past year especially, I've done a lot of this experimentation. And it's created doubts so thick that I'm surrounded in fog.

But I'm happy and lucky. For one reason alone.

I do have hope that the smoke will clear and I'll see,
I'll be
just fine.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Hey look: I'm sharing!

Hey guys, I just want one thing right now- it's to SHARE! That's what I'm doing right now. I am sharing thoughts and wants and desires with you. Are you ready? Here we go:

I soooo don't like spreadsheets.

Every day this week I have been dreaming out scenes in American Psycho with very few details changed. Like my mind is a DVD player with only this film in rotation. He KEEPS telling me about Huey Lewis and the News. I think that's what started it. I've been listening to "The Power of Love" a lot lately. That's also what Michael J Fox listens to with his girlfriend Jennifer in Back to the Future.

I have like 487 million friends on myspace these days and I'd like to say that I feel really really good about it. I've managed to fuse tight internet connections with so many wonderful people, events, and bands. Whenever I think about it, I really really like myself a lot.

Youtube is just so great. You can even find what was once hard to find- like videos from MTV's The State. The quality is pretty bad but it's still awesome. Here's some favorites:
Muppet Hunting.
The pope's visit.
I wanna dip my balls in it.
Fried Bumblebees.
Raised in a barn.
I'm outta here.
Monkey Torture.
and a personal favorite: toothbrush.

And finally, Beyonce is a crazy bitch in this video and I like it.

Photos of sharing!

(how whimsical!)


(share a tender moment, cuz you're not dead, yet!)

(it's laden with toxins! yikes!)

(they look different than me, but I think we could get along!)

(oh me so horny, me love you long time!)

Vote for your favorite.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Tickle Fights in Scarsdale

Me and Lindsey Lohan are getting mud baths in Arizona, cause I am majorly exhausted right now and that's where we've retired Inside Heather's Head.

For I am an airport terminal with all signs blinking "delayed delayed delayed" at the time being.

Hoboken Comedy Night was a blast on Sunday night. More fantastic comics and a great audience. Brian Van took a bunch of fun pics too, including this spritely photo of myself and comic Erik Andre.
We love this menu!

One thing I'm worried about is how busy I am about to get, especially into the fall months. I'm trying to plan out the Sexytime Comedy Show at Mo Pitkins and Terminator 4: The Musical as well. I can't even book new Hoboken Comedy Night dates right now because I may have to go to LA now for work when I was planning to have the next one. I hope to figure all of that out as soon as possible.

And I will be in a fashion show during fashion week for Mandate of Heaven! The theme is Alice and Wonderland and I play the Mad Hatter. Designer Carissa had me over on Saturday for a fitting and explained the outfit. It's gonna be mad sexy. Ha HA get it- MAD sexy. OH MY GOD it is no wonder I am a comedian with these hilarious things I say. Anyway ...

Showing off my inner princess in Mandate Saturday ...

Work is just crazy. Extremely busy. We have a major film shoot coming up and a bunch of more high profile events and press appearances that I have to deal with.

I'm trying baby, I'm trying to juggle all of the opportunities in front of my face in my personal and work life because that's what PR and entertainment is all about. It's about seeing where you can find open doors and opening them. There's a lot right now, and I am not a person who can live with the regret of NOT doing something, so that's just not an option.

Yeah, I think I'm winding up doing some things half-assed, just look at this week's blog, she's suffering. Also suffering- my standup. My performance last night was simply not good enough by my standards so I've really got to whip it and whip it good, into shape.

I was able to pump out something for yesterday, but considering the personal nature of the material, even that's something I'm not so comfortable with seeing in print. Especially since there's so much back story to it all. And all of those statements have volumes more behind them.

About me and Lohan, well, I'd never expected that we have so much in common! Even the same shoe size! She's lending me these FAB dinosaur skin pumps from Christian Louboutin, and I've traded her my ethanol powered rocket shoes in return. Also, we both love minature gherkins because they are the cutest pickles and way cuter than totally not hot spears. And we agree that anal beads are mega lame and are for dorks- but not cute hipster dorks, we mean losers. Ah ... imaginary female bonding at a spa in Arizona with a celebrity who is famous for exhaustion is the best! We've totally thrown our cellphones away- tee hee!

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Still not much free bloggy time today. Enjoy this photo set with whimsical captions by Jim from that Missy Elliott party thing. Pellegrino! (towards the end)

And download another really great Tapes N Tapes song: Omaha.

I will update SOON!

Monday, August 14, 2006

No time to type, must help the penises be their best ...

I'm performing some standup at Pete's Candy Store in Brooklyn tonight. Google it to find out more. 8pm. It's Jen Dziura's show

Thursday, August 10, 2006

What People are saying about

So this morning I get the nicest surprise in my myspace mailbox. It's from Slaney, my girl Sara's friend and certainly a new friend of mine.

Subject: "you're kind of amazing"
Dear Heather,
I'm sure you get this all the time, but as someone who is new to your blog and to this whole idea of blogging in general (which sounds gross, like, ew guys, i made a really big blog today), I just wanted to tell you I love your blog. You're smart and hysterical and inspirational. Rock on.

Now that's really freakin nice to start my day off with. It would be awesome if I got that all the time, but instead I often get a much more colorful mix of responses. Sometimes I avoid posting the best ones on the blog out of fear of psychos. Anyone who's been reading this from day one remembers the sister site created - yes this actually happened- back in 2004- called, effectively ripping on me and calling me an ugly and pathetic loser, pointing out my large platter like face (what can I say? I'm a round headed girl.) and mocking my bad grades in law school.

And who could forget the crazy ass craigslister who started sending me explicit naked pictures of obese women?

Ooh and then there was the fellow who Im'ed me BEGGING to suck my feet, which actually turned into a serious, possibly/hopefully life changing conversation with the young man where I explained that he would not likely be successful in sucking a stranger lady's feet if he flat out asks. I suggested that he form a relationship of some sort with the lass first, and then bring up his footsucking desires after said relationship has been formed.

Oh the joys of a society that is less anonymous via the internet superhighway of LOVE!

Anyhow, It's been a while since this guy sent his letter, and it's by far the best I've ever recieved. And I'd love to show you the pics he sent me of himself, but I'll protect the guy's anonymity just cuz. By the way, sending pictures of oneself to a lady without provocation is just no good, no matter if you are cute or not. I emailed this guy I stopped dating a question about something businessy and he replied with a "by the way" and showed me "what I had been missing". That is a truly hilarious thing to do- no if ands or buts.

Without further adieu, I bring you my favorite response letter ever sent:



"Whatever you do or dream you can do, begin it now. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it."

We connected rather unexpectedly (your site). I believe peoples' paths cross for reasons unbeknownst to us.

When I saw your picture, you hit a chord with me (in my soul). From the sights and sounds of your life, I would imagine such things are a bit far fetched (or not?).

A friend of mine, t.v. anchor woman for Fox 5, Lisa Cabrerra, reminds me of your...

And Jane Seymour when she did "Somewhere In Time" ( I knew Jane at then).

I admire your flair for life and you honesty.

I recently wrote a book about my journey to hell and back in the art world.

You may have heard about it as it caused an uproar in the status quo. We are not in the process of putting together feature inspired by my story.

After spending nearly four years doing book tours, radio (BBC), t.v. (NBC/CBS etc), tons of newspaper and magazine intereviews about the dark side, the circle is about to complete itself.

My partner (who worked for Andrew Lloyd Weber/EMI Records) etc. and I are working on a major art, media and celebrity event in Dubai scheduled for January 2006. We have been invited by the royal family which is, in and of itself, a kind of miracle considering where I was less than ten years ago.

Withough the gay inferences (I'm straight), my life has been compared to that of Oscar Wilde who put aesthetics above and beyond all things in life, thereby losing his grasp on reality.

My quest in life now, like yours is to be as brutally honest as I can be without hurting people.

I believe that truth is a very powerful thing when it is used with kindness and compassion.

I also believe that love is the greatest power on earth.

Perhaps we should meet and talk. There may be a way to do some work together in terms of the Dubai project and other situations we are involved with.

This summer we developed a plan to put a cultural center and upbeat, media, art and music/film situation at 23 Wall Street in the JP Morgan building.... we are also working on a worldwide art attraction that will show people the ins and outs/dark and light side of the art world.

I can't explain exactly what it is about you, but you look so familar to me... your eyes, the shape of your nose, flat on your face like a boxer. You are very beautiful yet strong and someone I would like to get to know.

I have had quite a journey so far... lived and died about three times and am about to reach the summit once again.

If the spirit moves you, please write or call.... I would like you to have a copy of my book.

We are off to London and Dubai in a few weeks.

Possible to have drinks or dinner one night?

A good friend of mine lives in Hoboken. I am in NYC... started a cutting edge gallery in Soho, moved to LA, built movie star collections, wrote my book and now the movie.

I also did a film for New Line on the discovery of a Jackson Pollock painting (50 million dollars) in a thrift shop).

I have a feeling we have much to share.

With Warmest Wishes.


And in a follow up letter with the picture:


I wanted you to see this image.

It was taken in front of my house in LA when Tom Hoving did a feature for Connoisseur on the celebrity art collections I was building.

I had a great time in LA but I love being in London. Must have had a former life there.

For someone so young, you have an old and very wise soul. I love the way you look.

Heather is a beautiful name... it reminds me of the scene in Wuthering Heights when Kathy crowns Heathcliff, her prince on the moors... amidst the heather.

Dream Big, Heather Fink... many are called but few are chosen.

You are one of the chosen

With Warmest Wishes,

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Reaching into my soul again. Not! I get to talking about fucking pancakes- can you believe it! Read on for the part when I namedrop pancakes.

Ok, I'm getting really impersonal here, but I'd like to publicly announce that if you're a person that's emailed me, and I haven't emailed you back, I'm like majorly backed up on all that. There's stars and flags all over the place, and I feel a bit ashamed of my dirty dirty inbox.

Speaking of dirty. Here's some free and unique dirty. You should watch that alone.

There's another Hoboken Comedy Night this Sunday at 8pm. And on Monday I'll be doing some Brooklyn.

There's also a lot going on at work. You can read about some of that here.

And speaking of work and the seemingly annoyed comments from "E", yeah I, as Heather Reznor, was boldfaced in Page Six, but I dunno. It wasn't really about me. Here's what it said:
METROPOLITAN Opera fans who like porn should keep their eyes glued on the Lincoln Center fountain this fall. That's where adult film director Michael Lucas hopes to have Savanna Samson re-enact the famed Anita Ekberg fountain scene for the porn remake of Federico Fellini's classic "La Dolce Vita." "She'll be outfitted in a stunning white dress, which will get wet and may become see-through - although since it's in public, we'll work with what is legal," said Lucas' flack Heather Reznor.

I guess I get a good amount of coverage as Heather Reznor. You can check more of that out here.

By the way, I have no idea who "E" is. Who are you? Do I know you? Is "E" short for Eric Bana? Are you Eric Bana? Oh my god you probably are! I LOVED you in the film Rain Man- you totally made autism sexy- OMG!

But what you should really learn about is Kitlers and the people that hate them.

I'm gonna be a Mandate girl! So excited. Mandate of Heaven is having a fashion show this fall and I get to strut on the runway. I even measured myself. I don't normally measure myself and I have to say I liked it. Not because of what the numbers were but because I like the way the measuring tape felt upon my body. It was the first time I had been touched by tape of any kind in a long time and I have to say I missed it.

You see, when I was little I was raised by a variety of tapes and tape related products. Back in the day, my parents were held hostage by an vengeful farmer who envied my parents' amateur farming abilities when he had such a difficult time growing full and delicious crops. So when I was a baby, as the farmer took my family and me into his evil hay truck, I bounced out of the side of the truck into another truck that belonged to the 3M corporation. I was among their stock of double sided tapes and at night in the warehouse the tapes came to life and we sang and danced and they made me pancake dinners.

A picture from my last visit with my 'foster parents' circa 1999. Don't question this.

Oh enough sentimentality for one night! Needless to say I miss the good old days when life was simple and all I needed was some adhesive and flapjacks to feel complete. But don't we all! Yeah.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

When you're young, and I mean a kid- someone in school- you're in a position of boundless hope. Everything is about tomorrow, and you've got plenty of time. You're living. And building. Building potential for the day when you get to use it. Learning. Procrastination is an inherent element of youth and you allow yourself to wait for so much. You'll get there when you're older.

You have principles. I have principles. Strong borderline-absurd ideas about who I am and what I am doing here and how I want to do it. Age erodes all of this as I stand on the shaken earth that was once the core of my identity. What will I stand for, how will I take what comes my way? What will I tolerate, what will I embrace, what will I neglect and let disintegrate?

What does any one person need to have?

I don't know. Stability, money, love, confidence, a sense of self, friends, sex, health, fun, relaxation, joy, delight, to be understood, to be heard, art, to be able to express self, desire for something that matters.

And if you don't have these things you need to have hope that you will have them in the future.

Marriage, kids, a steady job, a nice apartment, big tits, a vacation, to be at the shore on a sunny day, to get out, to get wasted, to get off.

There's always going to be so many things. Some of these things you don't need at all, but something inside you, not having, not knowing, will leave you wanting. To some you need all of these things, or you will need them some day, but maybe not today.

No maybe I won't be pregnant today. But probably, some day.

Will I need that to be complete?

I don't know but I am something right now without it. Maybe I'll need that one day, when I get closer to the end. Before my womb shrivels and potentials expire.

Right now I feel like I need the shore in summertime but I tell myself I am ok without it, it's too complicated to make that happen and I've got too many other things that need attending to. Like my goals and dreams, including the ones that I'm foolish for having.

The need for love is the biggest bitch of all needs. You can't make it happen when you want it and if it's happened to you once, you'll always want more of it. Even when you hate all of its packaging and the things that fragile erratic beast requires.

I want to be somebody, I think I need to be something but I'm not sure what that will mean. I was once almost so many things and here I am now being something and I don't know if it's anything.

When I grow up.
Well I'm full well grown.

Time to start makin shit happen, at least the shit that I can control.
Time to find the fate that I can manipulate.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Friday night was all birthday parties and karaoke. I don't really like karaoke. I can sing pretty well but I feel very embarrased about it and don't want to call attention to it, so if I ever try I make sure to pick a song like Du Hast so there won't be any reason to sing pretty. I don't like people who aren't funny when they sing and I don't like people who try to sound good but sound godawful. But with the right people it can be tizzight. One birthdaying fellow picked Tracy J's Watering Hole, and he did a really lovely duet to Afternoon Delight. Then the permanent marker came out. I've had a fat black permanent marker in my purse for years and I usually forget that it's there. But oh, we were drunk, and that's always conducive to that great idea of writing on bodies, because of course you forget what a bad idea that is once morning rolls around. I got THUG LIFE written in very large letters across my stomach. The birthday boy got him some "Daddy's Little Princess" on his arm- but that's what he gets for being Daddy's little princess. What was even better was that I went out elsewhere briefly after and had the opportunity to surprise my friend with my thug life pride. Oh, and I forgot to mention that we tried free samples from Max Brenner at one point that evening. It's so good it makes me angry.

we went in a big group to my friend Yaz' killer estate in Conn. It was the most pimped out thing ever! We all went in a big party bus from the city and when we got there there were these people that greeted us and cheered. There was even a red carpet and lots of ice cream and punch! Missy Elliott performed for the party and she was so incredibly entertaining- very fun show. She had all of these awesome dancers doing crazy shit on stage. She gives me reason for so many superlatives. God it was such a pleasant and lovely day. Yaz' family is the awesomest- nice, happy as hell people. Her dad was dancing it up and appreciated everyone having a good time. The company, awesome food, place and decor was all so pimptastic. Even the outdoor bathrooms had A/C. Nice touches and great people all around. What can I say, check out the pics!

It doesn't matter if you're a fan, bringin Missy is bringin the fun!

We got back to the city around 9, napped it up, washed up and I went to another fellow's Yachting themed soiree. It was lovely and there was yet more excellent opportunity for dancing, which was complimented by the outfits of the guests.

Fuckin snack wraps. Snack wraps ended it all. On my way home, all MaryJaned up, I was drawn to the flashy whore that is McDonalds-late-night. So tacky, so tasty, so right now. I ordered one of those newfangled snack wraps and a small fry. The suave McDonalds man gave me an extra snack wrap and a free soda. Oh god I just put that all in my mouth! And I had already eaten so much free food all day. Snack wraps.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Photo by Naughty James

Celebrity Spotting:
I was walking on Grand St. Thursday night from Soho to the lower east side and I saw Adrian Brody a lot cause first he was walking in front of me and then he turned around and walked back. The fellow I was with pointed at him saying "He's got an academy award." Good point. That reminds me of other interesting celebrity spotting. I was really drunk and going back to the PATH train recently and had to go pee so I went to this restaurant across from the 9th st station and Felicity was in the bathroom with me. We drunkenly washed hands together. I stared.

Dance related learning:
Dance can be substituted for running and running can be substituted for dancing.

- Running is dancing: It's really a lot of fun and a good replacement for dancing if you put your hands up and just kind of run around. It's also really a lot of fun to bounce on couches for as long as you can until the bouncer yells at you for bouncing and tells you to get down.

- Dancing is running: I've discovered the ultimate best workout in the world. It's fun, cheap, free, and easy. It's apartment dancing. Before I get in the shower, I strip down to my bare essentials (don't want to make dirty sweaty clothes if I don't have to) blast my favorite music and dance the shit out of myself. I'm talking all-out I'm wasted at a bar and it's my birthday kind of dancing. Lots of flalling arms and scissor kicks abound. You make love to the music with your body and your body will that you for it later when it becomes bangin cause you're treatin it right. This is not the same as simply dancing around when no one is around. You've gotta get into it. Dance like a pervert- gyrate, move all over the goddamn place. Serious dancing only.

Gawker told me that now sells milk, and people have reviewed the product. Their reviews are hilarious. Check it out.

Ok- most of this blog is old stuff I forgot to mention earlier. Will be back soon with more current info and reflection fo yo ass.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Little Miss Sunshine

I forgot to mention that I saw Little Miss Sunshine on Tuesday. My plans got cancelled unexpectedly so I decided it was best to take shelter in a cold movie theatre. Steve Carell is so amazing. His character is dealing with great sadness and I think his expressions are so powerful. Anytime the camera focused on his eyes, he has such incredible screen presence. Even in 40 year old virgin- he brought depth, sensitivity and humanity to a character in an outlandish comedy that I don't think would be there if the role was played by anyone else. He's really quite the actor and as far as comedian actors go, I think he has more acting potential than Jim Carey or Sunshine co-star Kinnear.

The whole cast was great though. And it wasn't as over the top as you might guess. (Though there were moments) It was a well written story, silly, enjoyable, etc- loved the climax of the movie. What was most awesome, moreso than the story, was the ensemble cast. You definitely wanted to see more from them. And at points I found the movie very sad and kind of painful. Each character dealt with their own issues with personal achievement, failure, and issues with ambition- something I'm struggling with/obsessing over a whole lot lately.

My name is Heather Fink and I am an expert on dick. In fact, I am a dickologist. This is true.

My new roommate has great stories. First she told me about a man who tried to jump off her train (not subway but train train) today. It was a delightful story of an African man who was angry and hanging of the side of the train screaming that he was going to jump, and also screaming in an African language. What was great was that the train was moving very slowly.

Then she told me an even better story.

Today she decided to sleep under her desk at work (a lawfirm). She shoved something under the door so that it would make a noise and not open properly. She slept for about an hour and a half when someone tried opening the door.

"Hold on a second" she replied.

"What's wrong with the door?" said the senior partner of the law firm.

"I don't know, I think it's broken."

He flips the lights on.

"What were you doing, sleeping" he asks.

"No ..." she said.

HOW GREAT IS THAT! What's even better is that she never saw that episode of Seinfeld. Anyone that would do something like that is my kind of people.

My favorite restaurant in Hoboken, The Jefferson, has closed out of the blue. What upsets me most about this is that my friend and I would visit occassionally just to see this waiter who was the cutest man ever. And I was way too shy to ever say anything to him aside from smalltalk, but he was so freakin attractive. Goddamn it! We had the intention of going back more frequently so I could man up and say something at some time, and now our time is gone!!! Oh Kevin! Kevin of perfect body and modelish face and hardworkingness as he was putting himself through grad school! How respectable and adorable of him. Tell me about the wines again, please! You always knew how I liked my full bodied and rich SuperTuscan or a respectable Meritage. Oh how you would describe the goat cheese and endives, I adored you so ... tell me about the arugula just once more


There was a dead mouse in the office so my boss thought it would be funny to put it on my desk and tell me that he had left an important document there for me to review.

It's the second anniversary of Seth Herzog's show- Sweet, tonight and you should chiggedy check it out.

THURS (8/3)
SLIPPER ROOM (SW corner of Orchard and Stanton)
8:30, $5
with special musical guest, ANGELA McCLUSKY.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Here's some stuff that I kinda wanted you to know.

It's a hot day. The pandas need their watermelons.

I really like this song Cowbell from Tapes n Tapes. (right click, save target as)

If you haven't seen it already, you've gotta watch these guys prank the newslady on Fox 5.

A listing of the top 100 music videos of all time. I don't agree with the list, but it's entertaining, and they provide the videos.

There's this whole movement of "alt-porn" which I think is actually pretty cool. It started with Joanna Angel and Suicide Girls, and now it's gone corporate with Vivid-Alt. The thing that still annoys me is that most of the directors are still male at Vivid-Alt, but I think it's great that the women are showcased as cool girls. And they have hip, modern graphic design and pay attention to style, etc. I absolutely love the fresh look of the site and photography, and I think this kind of thing can greatly change cultural approaches to sex. I have some problems with straight porn, but I think this is hotter and more real. I think that a lot of porn out there too easily dissociates the realness of a woman- personality and all, in sex. But if new stuff that's being made is all about wanting to fuck a cool chick, well that's a lot healthier for the women in the porn and the men watching it. Now if only we could get real hot straight guys to be a part of this whole thing, we'd be good to go. Oh,and I don't see what's the big deal with the tattoos and peircings. The whole style and sensibility is still great without all of that. I like skin. And only moderate tattoos on boys. I think sleeves ruin what's already great looking.

I'm looking forward to seeing Little Miss Sunshine.

Here's one of my favorite lines in 40 Year Old Virgin. She was a ho for show.

Oh, and I girlspoked again.