Monday, August 21, 2006

This is not bleak.

I am envelloped in layers and shrouds and volumes of bullshit.
Blizzard snow covers embryonic green.
I'm in here hidden and impossible
Low visibility navigation
Polluted pathways
Where's the beef?

Let's get some sun in here to melt this shit,
to shed some light on the substantive stuff
the lasting and the real
the material self

Where did all of this space junk come from?
Floating in a crap gallaxy.

Need to get the fuck out into zen, into purity, into now.

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I am some things.

"Not necessarily" my mind says

That, too, could change.

Where are my constants?

I am currently experiencing a loss of

Does dissection kill?
Letters are not words unless they are put together.

I am weaving when I could be walking straight ahead.

All realities are created and chosen.

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Sometimes I'll say something to someone, extreme or powerful, or do something to see what happens- out of wholehearted curiousity and the spirit of experimentation; that's my favorite thing about existing- things happening- things happening, existing, being outside of myself, my powers and my control and its fascinating how things spiral as they tend to do- that time is a thing continuous; made of things happening and each second pushes the next second. I can be more motivated by the desire to push those seconds- to somewhere different and changed- than by the possible consequences of my actions.

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I've always been someone so pragmatic and deeply invested in the self that my hyper-self-awareness discovered along the way. So I've had all these truisms to who I am- and I know it's just an element of my personality to always want to define myself and stay true to form. But in the past few years I've grown far more interested in challenging my own foundations. I've taken to acting against my own principles and the things I believe in just to see what happens if ... believing that there is no certainty in human existence. Believing that everything you know can be proven wrong, and knowing that to be true. And I think it's ok to do this, but it involves playing with a good amount of fire. It involves doing things I know are bad, destructive, or just plain wrong- because I am not sure that I am right about these things being wrong, and there's only one way to find out. In the past year especially, I've done a lot of this experimentation. And it's created doubts so thick that I'm surrounded in fog.

But I'm happy and lucky. For one reason alone.

I do have hope that the smoke will clear and I'll see,
I'll be
just fine.

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